The NYC/San Juan Idol Auditions

The blogs have come fast and furious this week, with lots to say, and remarkably some time to write... in case you missed it...
A post on the lost importance of Miss America... The 100 Coolest, from 40, then from 30.... Idol from Jacksonville and then Idol from Salt Lake City... and of course, this chick.

I just got home from The Happiest Place in the Mall... I'm tired, I'm bleary eyed, I'm worn out. I don't have to work again until tomorrow afternoon, though, so I do have a chance to sleep in--though I am, by virtue of 31 days in January and my last name starting with a "D", being forced to visit the tag office tomorrow to get new stickers for Toni Rocki Honda and Honda that The Lovely Steph Leann drives.

For a few minutes, I've debated... I came in, checked the email, checked the blog site, checked Facebook, surfed the quick headlines on ESPN, Drudge, Fox News, The I Love Obama site, checked a bid on eBay, and then leaned back.... do I watch Idol tonight or tomorrow? Its going to be a busy weekend, so I likely won't have much time on Saturday or Sunday... and perhaps I could do it on Friday, but there is the tag issue, plus I really need a haircut... then again, I haven't actually seen The Lovely Steph Leann since Tuesday morning... but you and I both know right now, she's dead asleep...

Oh, roody poo...

THIS

IS AMERICAN

IDOL!!!!!

Two cities, one show. San Juan and New York City. Not sure if this is one city per hour, or two cities per hour, but we'll see what happens! I've never been to Puerto Rico, though my friends The Hawbakers, winners of the 2009 Hannah Pruitt Eternally Cool Award, have been a few times and seem to like it. I was called a Puerto Rican once. It wasn't very nice.

I've done missions several times in NYC, and I do know there is a huge Puerto Rican population, especially around Brooklyn and Coney Island... first up, someone with a thick accent who quit their job to come to audition. She's been compared to Mary J. Blige... Adeola is trying "I Am Telling You", and I am telling you, she shouldn't have quit her day job. Literally.

Right now, in The Cabana's upstairs master bedroom, The Lovely Steph Leann probably has a blanket on her head. Terrible. She is asking for one more chance (Adeola, not The Lovely Steph Leann) and when told "no", she sings anyway.

Whoever told her she was good enough to quit her job should be smacked in the face... if I were this chick, I would be mad at my friends. Simon is on the phone with Adeola's boss, asking for her job back--and gets it.

Now Jorge is... wait, did we just switch cities? Is this how we're gonna roll tonight? Alright, Jorge is in San Juan and is "ready to rock America". He's singing something in Spanish. I think he just said "Paul is dead". Paula says, "Nice. How do you sing in English?" And he answers that question by singing very well. Paula just slipped him her room key.

And he makes it.

Jessika is from Michigan and is 19... wait, 20. She made that mistake on the air. She's a former "Most Beautiful Baby" contest winner, so come on y'all--respect the flava!

She's bragging that she has won many singing contests, and belts out "I Surrender" by Celine Dion. And when I say "belt out", its like sticking your head out the door and yelling as loudly as possible. She's done this her whole life, this is her dream, this is all she's ever wanted, she's nervous, she can sing... they should give her another chance, because this is an impassioned plea I've never heard before!

She gets a "no" from everyone. But she knows they are wrong. She's going to keep going. Just like the next few girls they show who know they are going to make it, who needs American Idol! They aren't looking talent, they don't want good singers!

I'm sitting here wondering if the next young lady is voluntarily bald. Wait, excuse me...

.......

.......

Sorry about that. I just heard this chick say, "I'm happy when I dance naked in my room... I feel like my soul just releases", and I had to go set myself on fire. The only thing keeping this wretched image out of my head is that I now have 3rd degree burns on 91 percent of my body. But it still might not be enough. Oy. I'm dry heaving because her soul isn't the only thing that I'm sure is releasing everywhere. Oy.

She wants her voice to uplift humanity. At this moment, I would say "no" right there. We are then subjected to a rather uncomfortable exchange about whether Melinda wants to be naked now, which is a no, but only if you all were, which leads to Simon telling her to imagine Randy naked which makes me reach for the lighter again.

Melinda is going to try to sing "Feelin' Good", by Nina Simone, one of the sexiest, funkiest tunes ever... and I'm sure she's going to be great, and I'm sure she's going to Hollywood and I'm sure I'll have to experience Melinda again.

My life rocks, about 99.9 percent of the time. Melinda is that .1%. And she is going to Hollywood. Make it .2%.

Jackie Tohn is a rocker chick. A slight backstory, and for the first time, the back story makes me interested in her. She's going to sing "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz. She is so-so, and they stop her and ask her to sing something that will show off her voice more. Its kinda raspy, but kinda fun... I like this chick, don't ask me why.

Randy likes her. Kara says yes. And as Simon begins to talk, the glassy plastic screen behind them collapses. One of those scenes that Fox keeps showing, and then when it happens, you say, "Really? That was it?" Four yes votes, and Jackie is off.

In San Juan, I hear the familiar tune of Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game", as they showcase some terrible auditions, including one guy who says "Please" after every "no way" sentence Simon utters.

And more terrible auditions, this time with yelling, dancing and breakin too (electric boogalu). In San Juan, we have this really stupid dude, I guess trying to be the Puerto Rican Johnny Knoxville or Tom Green... and not doing it very well. He walks in with a large iPod frame, and then murders "To Be With You" by Mr. Big. Great song. But not by him.

Though I actually enjoyed "Just Take My Heart", their underrated follow up just as much, if not more. I have the cassette single, and the single version has the slow guitar pick lead up and I only talk about this to avoid paying attention to this schmoe. Seriously, I didn't laugh one single time.

In New York City, here's another goofy guy named... Norman Gentle? Nick Mitchell? It doesn't matter. They trade insults, they make a few gay jokes and it falls apart. He finally sings "Amazing Grace", and shockingly doesn't do too bad... until he gets past the first couple of lines.

Simon says no. Kara says, "You don't have a shot in hell, but yes." Randy says... yes. And he's another guy who will end up being the one to screw over whoever is in his group--and seriously, I hope the judges take that into consideration.

Now we get to see a few people who actually have good voices. Kendall Beard. Hot. Dude with big 'fro. Cool.

And now, the bad auditions. I think its kinda cool that Idol is going toward showcasing the good voices over the bad, but let's face it, the bad auditions is why many, many people watch the show.

So, this next chick is bringing in her little 9 year old brother who it seems that everyone just finds adorable. Quite a ploy. He brings in a seashell for the judges. Monique is the sister, the one who is auditioning. I would give aaaannneee-thing to hear this kid say, "Did you know that bees and dogs smell fear?"

Monique is trying out The Supremes' "You Can't Hurry Love". Not an astounding audition, but pretty good. Her 2nd song is "I Turn to You" by Xtina. So, in my humble opinion, Monique is good enough to make it to Hollywood, but would never make it past that round. Randy says no. Kara says no. Paula says yes. They claim that she's just not ready yet. Simon says yes. Monique is on to Hollywood.

And coming back from last year, Alexis Cohen, a terrible rocker chick that was terrible, and then flew off the handle, with colorful phrases and telling Simon he's #1 and all that. But now? She's changed! She clean up a little, though still... not... pretty... at all...

"Like a Prayer" is her song. This is my favorite Madonna song of all time, and let's face it, I can sing this song better. And I have, at least in the car. Simon and Kara both think she's gotten worse since last year. And Alexis gives him the #1 sign. And more language.

"I've had thousands of people across America supporting me. I just choked in there." I think she's lying. Through her crooked teeth.

Back to San Juan, Patricia is here to sing Whitney's "I Wanna Dance With Somebody". She even has the same hair (wig?) that Whitney had in the video. Whitney was so amazing back in the day, pre-crack. I mean, throwing down on "I'm Your Baby Tonight" or busting out with "I Have Nothing"... I mean Whitney was great... until Bobby. And crack.

They tell her it wasn't good enough, and offer her another chance to sing something. She sings in Espan-yola. Randy says yes. Paula, showing some spine, says no. Apparently Kara and/or Simon says yes, because she has a golden ticket.

So... finally... its off to Hollywood. There were 26 from NYC, and only 9 from San Juan to head off to Cali.

Sunday night... The Annual Super Bowl Blog!