i am the stupid park guest

I'm not one to play a whole lot of video games.  In fact, we've had a Wii for about four or five years, and the number of times I have played it in the last two years is, maybe once. Maybe twice.  My history with video games actually goes all the way back to 1989, when my mom and dad bought me a real, genuine Nintendo 8 bit system, with the Duck Hunt gun and game, AND... check this out, AND the Power Pad.  Like, the mat that you plug in, and run on for the game World Class Track Meet.  It had four games--the 100 yard dash, the hurdles, the relay, and the Olympics, where you can combine all three games for a big score.  Was there something else?  I don't remember.

Don't know what the Power Pad is?  It looks like this picture... it was awesome. Anyway, there was a way to position your heels right behind the circles, and then quickly tap your feet on the circles... if you did it just right, there was no stopping you.  Don't believe me?  My 100 yard record is 5.61 seconds.  I remember that number, even though I haven't actually played on a Nintendo Power Pad in at least 12 years, and haven't set that record in about 20.  The other side of it had some sort of set up for a Dance Aerobics game, but that was lame-oh.

Aside from that game, I played a heavy rotation of Super Mario Brothers (1 & 3, because 2 was dumb), Tecmo Bowl (Bo Jackson was unstoppable), CastleVania (I never got past level 4), Contra (Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right A B Start), Rygar (I never understood the game, and never got anywhere), Paperboy (I liked breaking virtual windows), Mike Tyson's Punchout (I beat him once.  One.Single.Time), Tetris (I played so much, I saw it in my sleep), Top Gun (the first level ruled), Marble Madness (that game was so hardcore) and of course, the original The Legend of Zelda.

But as the game systems and technology grew, my interest in them waned.  Well, let me rephrase that.. they got smarter, I didn't.  I skipped the Super Nintendo, and by the time the Game Cube rolled around, the controllers were all fancy with 287 buttons each, and it was just too complicated. 

We bought a Nintendo Wii some years ago, and I spent 100s of hours on Star Wars Legos, and a bit of time on Toy Story Mania... but that's about it.  Just no time for such things. 

A screen shot of Forest Frontiers, after some heavy work

The game that I really like, though, when I have time to waste, is Roller Coaster Tycoon.  There might be a video game system for it, but I have the PC version... I borrowed--and forgot to give back--the original game disc from my brother in law, Tyler... I had no instructions, no clue how to do anything, and when the first game, "Forest Frontiers" popped up, I had to wing it. 

Essentially, it opens up with a big patch of a land and a park gate.  You are then to build an amusement park.  You have an opening set of rides and attractions, a handful of coasters, a few drink and snack bars and so on.  And, you are given a budget.  I tried to do the Dave Ramsey thing and build it debt free, but that's pretty fruitless.  You also have to build walkways or renovate existing walkways, and with each ride you build, it costs you money, but you have to build an entrance and an exit.  On some levels you can buy more land, some you have to clear trees and landscaping to build more, and if you want more than the initial rides and attractions, then you have to allocate money to "marketing and research";  meaning every little while, another coaster, ride or stand will be available to you to use. 

Each level gets a wee bit harder, and each one will have different objectives... some will say "Have 900 guests in your park by the end of Year 3" (each "year" lasts like, 15 minutes or something) or "Maintain a Park Rating of 850 by Year 2", and sometimes you have a brand new patch of land to work with, build your park and open with, and other times you have to start right in on an existing park, already filled with guests. 

Its a fun game, and an addicting one too.  Every time I go to Walt Disney World, I find myself thinking about Roller Coaster Tycoon, and what I can do different.  You can even hire "security guards", "mechanics" to fix rides (which I always name Larry, Gary, Barry, Terry and so on) and "janitors" to clean up (which I always name Jill, Bill, Gil, Will and so on).  Because to make an amusement park, you also have to have guests... and the guests in Roller Coaster Tycoon are... well... stupid.

In the game, or at least in the initial version of the game (there are now multiple sequels, as well as expansion packs for each, etc), the only differentiating characteristic of each guest is the color of their shirt.  Their faces, skin, size are exactly alike.  Each guest is given a number, and they all had different amounts of money in their pocket to spend, as well as various levels of stamina when it comes to hard rides and such.

But they are all stupid.  Case in point... build a coaster.  A nice roller coaster, and let it build in popularity and make you lots of money.  Eventually, that coaster will break down more and more often, making it more trouble than its worth... so you can do one of two things:  You can "close" the ride, which means all your guests in line and on the ride will exit, make their way onto your pathway and go to other rides, then you can delete your coaster. 

OR

You can just delete it.  When you do that, everyone in the ride queue turns around and walks out.  However, the people on the ride suddenly drop to the grass below.  Some will find the path, disappear amongst the hundreds, and keep going.  Others?  Well, this is the stupid part. The others will start wandering aimlessly.  And when I say, aimlessly, I mean AIM-LESS-LEE... they scatter like a flock of startled birds... you have little "tweezers" that you can pick each guest up and place them on the path, but if there are dozens of them, its hard to pick them all up... invariably, you lose some.

You'll think you have all of them, and then suddenly you hear a beep-beep-beep notification, telling you that "Guest 194 is lost".  You do a click, and the screen will pan all the way across your park to find one or more poor souls just wandering back and forth, through the grass.  Click on them, usually they'll have a mad look on their face.  Lost.

And occasionally, you'll have everything laid out, pathways correct, connected to other pathways, and you'll still get a beep-beep-beep notification that tells you something like "Guest 491 is lost".  How are you lost, chief? I mean, seriously... you are wandering around the Carousel!  The path to the exit is two squares in front of you, genius!  Even when the path is clearly marked, Guest 491 is furious its not laid out for him completely.

Sounds like someone I know.  Namely, me. 

I am the stupid park guest. 

When everything is going swimmingly, then suddenly, something is deleted, I fall to the grass.  Most of the time, I just start wandering off in my own world.  No sense of where I'm going, but hoping I'll know where "there" is when I get there. 

I am the stupid park guest.  The path many times (re: most of the time) is very clearly marked.  And I ignore it.  I pout until I get my way, until its made even more clear... only then will I move. 

I am the stupid park guest.  Usually with less money.  And while I scoff at Guest 93 for paying my price of $9 for a drink, I then leave and spend my last bit of cash on something dumb when I should be saving up.

I am the stupid park guest.  Like the guests you can pick up and drop into the water just to watch them drown, I drown in my own fears, insecurities and general dorkfacedness. 

I am the stupid park guest.  Even when things are set forth, right in front of me, sometimes I just stop and puke on the sidewalk.  Or turn in the wrong direction anyway.  I get mad.  I get confused.  And I realize I am must be like everyone else.  No uniqueness.  No individuality.  Nothing that sets me apart. 

I am the stupid park guest.

Thankfully... I've got someone else holding the Holy Tweezers that picks me out of the mess, out of the wilderness and from the lost grass and places me back on the pathway.  Be real... you've never heard the term "Holy Tweezers" until now, right?  See, this is why I'm here.

We don't have to be stupid park guests.  We don't have to wander aimlessly.  And we don't have to wait for the Holy Tweezers to get us... we can make that move on our own. 

(thanks to Katie Porath, a friend in the START Experiment, for the inspiration for this post...)

Six Flags Thursday

Ever been so tired that your eyelids stick together? Seriously, no joke, driving on Thursday night, everytime I blinked it was a struggle because my top eyelids were actually sticking together and I had to make a goofy stretch-face expression to unstick my eyelids.


The night before, the Lovely Steph Leann had come home from three days at Calloway Gardens in Georgia, where she had been for a business trip. And on Thursday morning, she was flying out at 515am to Minneapolis, MN, for a Creative Memories Conference, with she being a Creative Memories Consultant and all. So, I get back from Financal Peace University, she's packing, we're both up late, neither one really sleeps well, and all in all, I got about 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Up at 330am, out the door around 4am, go out and pick up Steph Leann's cousin who is going with her, and to the airport by 5.


Well, I could go home and sleep for... 2 hours, having to be at the church at 730, or I could pass the time until then. I decide to go to Waffle House for breakfast, then go to Starbucks because I have a few things to take care of before Monday, even though I am on five days vacation.


Finally, at 710, I'm out the door and headed to Valleydale Church (an sbc fellowship). Where are we going, you ask?


Six Flags Over Georgia


I had signed up to be a chaperone for the middle school group going... why can't we say Junior High? You have High School, and Junior High School, and thats it, why do this "Middle School" thing? Where was I?

Because we aren't a loaded church, it was decided not to rent any sort of charter bus of any kind, so we were taking cars... and I was a driver. Kathy Compton, the middle school assistant, put out a sheet with everyone's name on it, letting the kids sign up for the car they wanted.


And wouldn't you know it... in my car... Jessica Heckman, Emily Griner, Kayleigh Parvin and Jenny Combs. All girls. And not just all girls, but Jessica, Emily and Kayleigh are three of the loudest, most hyper 13 to 14 year olds you'll ever meet. Kayleigh is actually the younger sister of a friend of mine, Christy... it's one of those "you know you are getting older" moments when you realize that a friend's little sister is suddenly not so little anymore.



Two of my passengers that kept me awake


So we're humming down the road, headed to the ATL, and the girls are all arguing over which music to listen to... I give in to Fergilicious, but ban Justin, Britney, Christina and Pink from the car, just for the inappropriateness, then ban the Backstreet Boys just on principal. Seriously, I felt like Chris Hansen was going to pull me over. "Have a seat right there. What are you doing with four 14 year old girls in your car?"


It was actually reasonable mild outside... it was hot, because, well its the South + August = Muggy and Humid, but it still wasn't too bad. When we got there, I managed to attach myself to a couple of the guys that I know from WalkAbout, Grant, Jacob (who is called Pinky), Connor and Aaron, and we end up walking from coaster to coaster most of the day.


Because the day really isn't that remarkable, or at least, other than the usual day at Six Flags--lines, high prices for anything, gum all over the signs in every ride queue--I won't go into great detail.


I will say, though, Six Flags is apparently trying to set themselves up as more than a stop for roller coasters... numerous Warner Brothers characters were throughout the park, as were DC characters. I saw everyone from Sylvester the Cat to the Green Lantern standing around, and the Q-Bot thingy rented to get through the lines faster is now called the "Flash Pass", with the Flash as the mascot.


They even had a stinkin' parade, with the WB and DC icons all riding floats or walking in it. I'm thinking its a little much, because with Disney, you go not just for the rides, but the experience. Every ride and attraction is an atmosphere, its a story, nay, its an adventure! At Six Flags, you go to ride roller coasters. Plain and simple. With Disney you have breakfasts with Stitch, and marvel over Cinderella's castle and collect pins and yeah, enjoy Space Mountain, but with Six Flags, I just want to be tossed to and fro by some metal beast. In fact, stop paying the characters and build me another coaster--or fix the stinkin' Deja Vu.


It reminds me of the attempt of Las Vegas to set themselves up as a more family oriented place, several years ago. They ran a huge ad campaign, letting people know they weren't just dancers and stripper and casinos and gambling, but they were in fact family friendly, so hey, bring the kids. Apparently, that didn't work, and the Las Vegas Tourist guys sat around a table and said "Screw this family crap. Everyone thinks we are Sin City... lets embrace that. If you can't beat 'em, at least get 'em to come here".


So they tossed out the family friendly thought, embraced who they were, or at least, who everyone thought they were, and thus, the highly successful "What happens here stays here" ad was born. This is what Six Flags should do. "Screw this Bugs Bunny crap. Let's use that money to keep the park cleaner, and build, like, four more monster coasters!" That's what I would do, anyway. I should be an amusement park director.


They've also added names to the park sections... not just one or two easy names, but names like "Cotton States", "British Section", "Confederate Section" (which you'd think would be the same as Cotton States...), again trying to be like Disney or Busch Gardens.


Oh, and another thing... you're sitting on a coaster, and suddenly you remember you've got a hat on, or you're carrying a small bag or something... what do you do? You just toss it onto the platform, where you'll get it later, right? Oh, nay nay.


Not only do they have lockers before a few of the newer rides, with big signs saying "Put your crap in here, cause you ain't leaving it on the platform", they are now coming down hard on people who do toss their stuff. Several times I'd see a hat hit the platform, then have Shequetha the "Ride Entertainer" say "Whoever threw that hat, raise your hand!" A few seconds later, you'd see the hand of some unknowning little kid, and she'd say "Pick it up and put it away". The whole ride would be held up for this little kid to unbuckle, grab his hat and either sit on it, or put it in the shelves they have.


My guess is, the rides have been put through the ringer this year... not only did the Deja Vu stop, start, stop and start again, the Superman ride was shut down for an hour or so, the Georgia Scorcher stopped midway up the hill, and the Batman ride stopped while we were two people from boarding. In that one, the harnesses wouldn't come unlocked, which is good for the people riding, but bad for the ones about to get off... and even worse when it happened at Superman because you are literally facing the ground, hanging by the harness.



You never want your ride to stop and see a worker climb beside you. Not good times, bad times.


So, in order, the coasters at Six Flags:

10. The Ninja... the most uncomfortable ride ever. Your head is smacking the headrest, its jerky, its violent. Just not well thought out. I don't know a single person who likes this ride. I'm betting this ride goes away in the next few years for another coaster.


9. The Great American Scream Machine... kinda boring, but I love wooden coasters, so it has its moments. The hills are great, but it just doesn't do much... but its got one of the best roller coaster names ever.


8. The Dahlonega Mine Train... almost a kiddie coaster, its still fun in the back, just for the amount of shaking. Unlike the Ninja, its a fun jerky violence.


7. The Mindbender... I remember back, before Batman (which brought in the DC connection) when this coaster was an ugly brown and by itself over here in the corner. When they made Batman Forever, with the Riddler, they built the Batman ride, then painted this one green with question marks all over it... the ?? are gone, but the ride is still classic.


6. Deja Vu... this has the potential to rank much, much higher, except for two things... number one, it takes then almost ten minutes to load and unload passengers. I actually timed it several rides, and it was unbearably long. Number two, its always broken. Steph Leann and I rode it when it first opened, and in the couple of times I've been back, its not worked. We stood in line for about 30 minutes, a line we only joined because it had just reopened and we figured not a ton of people would be there. We decided to leave, because it just was taking too long, and on our way out, we saw other people leaving, and we heard they had shut it down again.


5. The Georgia Scorcher... one of those standing coasters where, you get into the seat and you have to position yourself before they lock the seats in place. Too high and guys have problems. Too low and you're bent awkwardly for 90 seconds. Its a great ride, though. Loud and whipping, and 4Gs can't be wrong.


4. Superman Ultimate Flight... the appeal of this is that you get strapped in, they strap your feet in execution style, then your seat goes horizontal, with you facing the ground. So as you ride, it feels like you're flying... and you keep a mental image of how far you'd go if the harnesses broke.


3. Batman: The Ride... probably the best feet-dangly ride I've been on. Its just a lot of fun, really, though they really should shorten the queue... you have to walk about 1/4 of a mile just to get to the line.


2. The Georgia Cyclone... I love wooden coasters, and this one is awesome. Modeled after the Coney Island Cyclone, the coolest thing about 2005, its just rip roaring shaking whippin' tossin' fun. Especially if you're in the back. In fact, the Cyclone is the basis of my theory that every coaster should be ridden in the front and in the back. NYCJenny, insert jokes here.


1. The Goliath... the newest coaster at Six Flags, it is AWESOME. Worth the price of admission alone is the 200 foot drop, one that doesnt look nearly as tall until you are in the car ascending the hill. And the drop is massive. 70+ miles per hour, the thing runs through half the park... the Free Fall and Parachutes are both gone. It really is the smoothest coaster I've ever been on. And actually comfortable too.


I also managed to get video footage of the Batman, the Scorcher and the Cyclone, all from the front row... if my computer wasn't so slow, and if I knew how, I'd post it.

Anyway, the boys and I decided against eating for the afternoon, because we had only gotten on 2 rides before 3pm, and we were leaving a 7 for dinner, so we just kept ourselves hydrated (we found a concession stand that sold $6 funnel cakes, but gave out free water...). When we did leave, we stopped at the Arbor Place Mall Food Court, where I devoured Sbarros in about a minute.


And needless to say, I was tired. Very tired. But... it was a good time, and that's whats important.

Taking Alabama Adventure For a Spin

As I sat in the little gold car, snuggled up next to the lovely Steph Leann, with only a small metal bar across our laps to protect us from centrifical forces, I closed my eyes. I closed my eyes to perhaps stop the spinning. The little gold car, with its metallic sheen and blinky lights, spun rapidly on it's base. The base itself was attached to an arm which led to a small hub, where three other arms spread out in opposite directions, all arms spinning, each with its own gold car attached. The bigger hub of four cars was attached to a giant arm, which led to the central hub, the big fancy thing in the middle, the big thing that itself was spinning, creating for me not just on immediate spin, but two others occurring at the same time.

And this was all on an incline.

On thought went through my mind... Toby Keith. Well, not Toby Keith himself, but a Toby Keith lyric....
"I ain't as good as I once was... and that's just the cold hard truth. I still throw a few back, talk a little smack, when I'm feeling bulletproof"

When the ride stopped, and the lovely Steph Leann and I slowly made our way off the platform and wobbled into the walkway, we decided that would be the last time we'd ride the Mind Spinder again. I looked at Steph Leann and grimaced "Wow... I'm not 20 anymore."

But that's okay, we were at the Park Formerly Known as Visionland, that being Alabama Adventure Amusement Park. That's right, it was Birmingham's own Miracle Strip. If you're standing in the welfare line, and you ask for Land O'Lakes butter, Kraft cheese and Six Flags, they had you gubmint butter, gubmint cheese and Alabama Adventure.

Sidebar: I cannot express to you how my heart sunk when I discovered a few years back that Miracle Strip Amusement Park was being torn down for a high rise condo (of which the deal, rumor has it, has fallen through). I grew up in Samson, right across the Florida line, about 70 minutes from Panama City, and Miracle Strip Park was a yearly destination. They had all the rides Alabama Adventure has, only fancier, and admission was cheaper, and darn if the Starliner Coaster wasn't one of the scariest coasters ever... not because it was built scary, but because it was so old, you knew one day it would collapse.


Miracle Strip has become Miracles Condos. I weep for the future.

In our yearly trip to the beach with the Campbell Family in 2004, I drove by in horror as some of the rides had been removed, weeds grew in the parking lot and a construction fence was surrounding the lot. It actually hurt me. RIP, Miracle Strip Park.

Steph Leann works for Southern Company, and they sometimes do "team building days" where everyone from a SoCo department gets together has lunch somewhere (in this case, Alabama Adventure) and has fun "team-building" exercises and games. Late in the afternoon, after everyone else has left the team building un, I drove out to meet Steph Leann for some Visio... er, Alabama Adventure fun!

For those of you unfamiliar with the park, its really set up like any other park... when you enter, you have several shops and snack bar areas on either side before you get to any rides. There are actually two parks--Magic City USA (named for Birmingham being "The Magic City") and Splash Beach, the water park next door. Our tickets actually included admission to both, and part of me wanted to visit the water park, but just not tonight.

Go down the steps at the end of "Celebration Street", where all the shops are, and you enter into the game area, where you can pay five dollars to toss a ball and miss for the chance to win an oversized Shrek that if you did win, you'd have to carry around all day.

The big thing happening tonight is the Summer Concert Series, which this summer features such superstars as Aly & AJ, Jesse McCartney, Darryl Worley and tonight, megastar Bo Bice. Bo is from Birmingham, so his audience is a bit bigger than usual. For my money, though, I'm ready to ride the two roller coasters, the Rampage and the Zoomerang.

We tackle the ferris wheel first (which I hate ferris wheels, so I won't be doing that again), then go to the Log Flume, a ride that seems to take, oh, about 9 seconds. Seriously, in a fiberglass log, you go up a big hill, drop about a foot, go around two small curves and then down a hill. A little water splashes and that's the ride.

We go up the hill to the big swings... like the ferris wheel, I hate the swings. Just can't do it. So I sit this one out... Steph Leann loves it, though, and I see her smiling as she rides.

Immediately after the Mind Spinder, we gather ourselves and decide to ride something a little less spinny, The Scrambler. It doesn't spin quite as much, but still, it spins. Perhaps too soon after the Mind Spinder. After the Scrambler, we figure to play through the pain and just knock out the spinny rides. The Himalaya.

I ain't as good as I once was, my how the years have flown, but there as time back in my prime when I could really hold me own...

If you've never been to a county fair or festival, or have never seen the Mind Spinder (or rides like it) or the Scrambler (which is the universal name for this--or should be), you will probably know The Himalaya. Its a bunch of cars crammed together in a big circle, and the whole things spins. You go up an incline and down an incline. Then, about two minutes later, the whole thing sping backwards. Haven't been on the Himalaya in a while, and this one was missing something... The Unintelligible DJ.

At county fairs and festivals, there is an Unintelligible DJ in a booth next to the ride, playing loud music like "Pour Some Sugar On Me" or "Sweet Emotion" really loudly. This time there was music playing, but I think it was an OutKast cd. Anyway, the DJ is talking, but perhaps due to the ride spinning or the DJ having biscuit dough crammed in his mouth, I dunno, but you can never understand a word he's saying... save for two words. "Go Backwards". That's the announcement that now the ride will in fact be reversing its course. Here's what you hear:

mmphmmph mpm pmmph mp mmp Go BACKWARDS!!

Miracle Strip called it the Muzik Express, and they had The Unitelligible DJ.

We had a chance to meet Bo Bice, because I knew a few people that worked there from working with them in a previous job, but Steph Leann and I stood there in the meet and greet tent and just stepped out of line. I mean, what do I say to Bo Bice? I don't own his CD, I am not planning on buying it, and that terrible song "The Real Thing" that came out last year doesn't make me a fan. I'm sure he's a nice guy and all, but we shrugged and headed for the coasters.

Steph Leann had ridden them both earlier, and it kinda gave her a headache, so I ventured solo onto the Zoomerang, a big metal coaster that resembled the late Viper in Six Flags Over Georgia.

I used to be hell on wheels back when I was a younger man. My body says "you can't do this boy" but my pride says "oh yes you can"

I have a firm belief that every coaster should be ridden in the front and back (NYC Jenni, insert your own joke here) so thats what I did. Front row, then climbed back in line and sat in the back seat. As coasters go, its not bad, but I can name several that are better than the Zoomerang. Someone liked it, though, as I passed by a triangular patch of hurl on the sidewalk on the way down. I was excited about the Rampage, though, as I've ridden it before--its a wooden coaster, and wooden coasters are awesome.


The reason I wanted to come to Visio... er, Alabama Adventures.

I've been on the Rampage before, a few years ago, riding it four or five times in a row, but I was excited to revisit the ride. The Travel Channel even listed it as one of the country's Top 10 wooden coasters, and its right here in Birmingham!!

Its never a good sign, however, to see four guys with harnesses and toolboxes walking up and down the tracks of the coaster. This led me to believe that I wouldn't be riding it tonight.

We hit the pirate ship and then the log ride again, battling swarms of gnats along the way, and decided it was time to get going. I missed The Rampage, though.

It's probably a good thing. After multiple spinny rides, and too many twists and turns when all I'd eaten was some soft serve ice cream and some of Steph Leann's funnel cake, I was about done. Heck, when climbing out of the back seat of the Zoomerang, the chick asked me if I wanted to ride it again. I politely declined. After all...
I ain't as good as I once was... I gotta few years on me now... but there was a time back in my prime when I could really lay it down...