"I Don't Know What America Wants to Hear"

We went to The Most Magical Place on Earth last weekend.  I'll do my best to discuss that later, but while we were gone, I had the DVR set to record the following:  Survivor.  The Amazing Race.  The Academy Awards (though I had forgotten to actually set it for the Oscars and had only gotten the pre-show).  WWE: Raw.  And the boys & girls performance shows of American Idol.

The Lovely Steph Leann and I got back late, late Wednesday night, a little after midnight, so after unpacking, we went on to bed.  We both had to be at work the next morning, with me beginning what I called a "Work Gauntlet"... that being The Happiest Place in the Mall on Thursday, Starbucks on Thursday night, back at Starbucks at 6am on Friday morning, a quick lunch then off to The Happiest Place in the Mall on Friday night, then back again at The Happiest Place in the Mall on Saturday.  Its hard to complain about anything when you get back from vacation, I recognize there are people with real problems in the world, but seriously, I was just flat out tired. 

We were able to meet up with St'ray and C'ray for dinner last night (Saturday), and I was able to watch Survivor finally.  This morning was church, and The Lovely Steph Leann and I took in "Alice in Wonderland" (review later) and then was able to relax this evening.  I haven't had a chance to zip through the rest of the shows, though I may or may not get to WWE: Raw.  I just deleted the Oscars pre-show, since I missed the actual show itself.  I'm two episodes behind on The Amazing Race, but will get there eventually.

That leaves American Idol. 

I had every intention on watching all episodes, even if and when I found out who was kicked off.  I went to EW.com on Friday, figuring I was tuning into the demise of Paige Miles, perhaps Lacey Brown, maybe even Katie Stevens, probably Todrick Hall and if we're lucky, Aaron Kelly.   Todrick was right on... but...

Katelyn Epperly?  Lilly Scott?  The Mulleted One, Alex "I'm Not Adam" Lambert?   For shame, America, absolute for shame.  At least He Who Must Not Be Re-Elected gave out false hope and promises to get votes... Aaron Kelly gave nothing.

This might be the worst season of American Idol ever.  EVER.  EEEEHHH--VVEERRR.

I turn it over to the great writing of Michael Slezak, on Entertainment Weekly's interweb site... this is his recap, which is enough for me.  I'm going to now delete all American Idol episodes so I don't have to watch Lilly Scott or Katelyn Epperly disappear...

Slezak writes:

Outrage. It's as integral to the process of enjoying American Idol as seeing Simon Cowell's insuppressible smile during a genuinely good audition, or rewinding your DVR after a performance by some heretofore anonymous kid who just gave you goosebumps all the way to your spleen.


Indeed, Idol's eight-season history is littered with unspeakable horrors that drove us to scream at our televisions and insist to anyone who'd listen: ''I'm done with this show! Never watching again!'' My stomach clenches even now thinking about Jasmine Trias over Jennifer Hudson, Haley Scarnato over Sabrina Sloan (maybe that's just me?), Sanjaya Malakar and Scott Savol over, well, pretty much anyone ever. But like I said, outrage is part of the process, imperative to create the ebbs and flows and emotional crescendos of American Idol the TV Show, even if it's our least favorite byproduct of the relentless search for the next Kris Allen or Adam Lambert or Allison Iraheta.

So you'd think by season 9 — during the inconsequential semifinals, no less — it would be easy to brush off the bad judgment of speed-texting tweens, to process the way-too-early exits of Lilly Scott, Katelyn Epperly, and Alex Lambert (plus the sort-of-maybe-too-early ouster of Todrick Hall), and move on. Once upon a time, we survived Daughtry's fourth-place finish, so why do the ritual killings of the dreams of four indisputably flawed semifinalists feel like they're part of something bigger, a shifting of the tectonic plates at the core of the Idol universe?

Maybe it's this: In the course of 21 episodes, we've endured the sadistic pillorying of Angela Martin, we've swallowed our disgust at the sight of Kara's rogue left shoulder rubbing hungrily up and down Simon's torso, we've witnessed precious few performances that would hold up to the Kelly Clarksons and Melinda Doolittles of Idol seasons past — let alone the Mandisas and Michael Johnses. And in the background all this time, we've heard the steady, approaching war drums of The X-Factor.

Which is why, for the past few weeks, we've looked to a ragtag group of 24 singers to reassure us that Idol's still got a little life in it yet. We wanted them to assure us that it's not yet time to leap off this carnival ride, shrug our shoulders, and shout ''Thanks for the memories!'' as we run full-tilt toward that monster rollercoaster the British guy with the deep V and the sunburned chest is erecting on the other side of the fairground. (Sorry, that was a lot of sentence.)

And that's precisely why each abysmal voting result tonight stung so badly.

Katie Stevens getting more votes than Lilly Scott didn't just mean that we'd lost the chrome-haired chick who experienced pitch problems Tuesday night on Patsy Cline's ''I Fall to Pieces.'' No, it meant we'd had the gift of surprise ripped out of our hands, and replaced by a three-pack of department store socks wrapped in ruffled, off-the-shoulder, hot-pink wrapping paper.

Aaron Kelly outlasting Alex Lambert was demoralizing not just because the latter teenager was so shattered during his exit performance that he resembled an expendable crew member about to get devoured by a space creature in a bad sci-fi movie. It was demoralizing because we'd lost the most distinctive male voice in the competition — one that with a little nurturing had the potential to be something special — and now all we're left with is a kid who'll offer semi-competent covers of Rascal Flatts and Lonestar and Garth Brooks till he eventually goes home in ninth place.


And Katelyn Epperly going home before Paige Miles? Do I need to dig between the couch cushions for an outlandish metaphor to prove the point of how freakin' wrong that is? No, I do not. Not if you heard Paige earlier this week channeling a car-battery jump-start to the tune of Charlie Chaplin's ''Smile.''

Heck, on some level, I'm even gonna miss the histrionic gymnast-dancer who sullied the world's favorite Kelly Clarkson tune in the most peculiar way. I mean, it's not like Todrick Hall had (brace for Randy-ism in 5, 4, 3 ,2...) a million-billion in one chance of taking home the season 9 crown, but wouldn't it have been more fun to spend a couple extra weeks with the guy who takes his coloring book and turns it into a papier-mäché sculpture than someone like Tim Urban, who's going to bore you to tears filling in the outlines of better artists with his pale, insipid colors?

Of course, the notion that bad things were about to happen was telegraphed right from the show's opening seconds. Please tell me I'm not the only Idoloonie out there who found himself deeply perturbed by the dated, red font the producers used to blast words like ''tonight,'' and ''Top 12 revealed'' and ''coveted spot'' across our screens. And then, of course, there was the fact that a crying Katie Stevens was the last image flashed on the screen before the cameras cut to Ryan telling us ''we could be in for a surprise or two.''

Katelyn was the first to walk the plank last night. And somehow, when it came down to the shaggy haired blonde standing next to the ''Smile'' killer, Simon declared that ''the one with the most potential is Paige,'' thereby continuing the fascinating mythology that Ms. Miles is some kind of powerhouse vocalist who saves her 'A' game for those special times when her mic pack is switched off and there isn't a camera within 100 yards of her. Memo to Paige: Survivor is the reality show where you win $1 million by hiding your gifts and ''flying under the radar'' in the early parts of the game.

It must be said, though, that Katelyn's sing-out to Carole King's ''I Feel the Earth Move'' was a vast improvement over her stilted Tuesday night rendition. Katelyn took a lot more chances vocally — twisting the melody till it resembled an origami swan that took flight.

The night's second elimination could've been a lot more suspenseful had Ryan put Aaron and Todrick in the ''one stays, one goes'' positions — and if Todrick hadn't chosen to wear hideous fingerless gloves for the second consecutive night. Did the dude learn nothing from Michelle Delamor and Jermaine Sellers last week?


Elimination No. 3 contained material that was unsuitable for young viewers, viewers with actual human-like emotions, viewers who enjoy good singing, and pretty much every other subset of our species with the possible exception of Heidi Montag and her new psychic manager. (God, please don't smite my brain area for housing such hideous information.)

And that's why I don't want to talk about seeing He Who Might Have Had an Actual Chance to Crack the Top Three If He'd Cut His Mullet and Learned to Confidently Phrase a Song standing next to He Who Has Been Defined by His Cover of an Awesome Paula Abdul Track. I had already suspected Andrew was gonna be safe, since Ryan had previously chatted him up about what he had to say to his fallen comrades. (''I love them and I'm glad I met them''? Kinda sounds like a tepid yearbook autograph, no?) But, oh, really...no...no...no. I am not ready to be done with Alex and his bad Russian figure-skater hair. The two of 'em (Alex and his hair, along with Katelyn and Lilly) have an open invitation to appear on Idolatry whenever they are next in New York City*. I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT THIS ANYMORE, OKAY? Because I can't bear to see Alex crying. And I can't bear to see Siobhan crying about Alex crying. Let's thank our lucky stars that Fox chose not to air slo-mo replays of whatever occurred during what Ryan called an intensely emotional ad break.

(*Offer does not include major holidays, airport layovers lasting less than one hour, nights when I have an Idol TV Watch recap due, or any time period where Matt Giraud is stopping by to perform Allison Iraheta's ''Scars.'' Standard text-messaging rates apply. Diet Dr. Pepper is on me. And I'm gonna expect you cats to sing. Jermaine Purifory, Tasha Layton, Jesse Langseth, Leneshe Young, Tami Gosnell, and Mishavonna Henson, this invitation also applies to you.)

And now I am going to slide myself back into a deep funk by returning the topic to Lilly's ouster. Kara's assessment that the juxtaposition of Lilly vs. Katie was ''very interesting'' was perhaps only slightly less phony than when she told Ryan earlier in the week that she had nothing to do with the offensive proximity of hers and Simon's chairs. I mean, come ON! Kara writes and produces hit records for a living; she has to know that Katie Stevens is the next Jasmine Murray, destined to be that name you'll Google search in two years when some misguided season 11 contestant decides it's a good idea to cover ''Put Your Records On.''


But since Kara didn't have the guts to speaketh the truth, Lilly did it herself. ''I thought I did really well. I really gave it my all,'' she said, clearly flummoxed by her swift and sudden downfall. ''I don't know what America wants to hear.'' Was Lilly response perhaps a tad cocksure? Um, yeah. I mean, it's Idol, and everybody's supposed to put up a facade of false modesty and wonderment — lest they lose a vote or two from easily offended audience members. But I have to give Lilly props for going out with her head held high, her feathers in her ears, and her own sense of Idol outrage as prominent as the zig-zags on her most curious tights.

Finally, a few random notations and observations...

A Memo to Simon and Kara: It is not your job to create an ''Idol moment.'' That's for the contestants. Stop frakkin touching each other.

A Memo to Ellen: Your hugs have consequences. For every bit of praise you lavish on Tim Urban for not totally tanking on ''Hallelujah,'' there is a counterbalance. Hopefully you learned that when you saw the devastated face of Mushy Banana tonight. Bottom line: Not everyone gets a gold star.

A Memo to Big Mike: Glad-handing your fellow contestants for the duration of the already interminable group numbers only adds to the discomfort and disgust the audience is feeling. You have a newborn baby, sir, but this does not make you the father figure to the top 12 contestants and/or the entire home viewing audience. Thank you.

A Memo to Lacey Brown: Wait. What kind of artist do you want to be again? ''I like to sing songs that evoke emotions.'' Ohhhh. Okay, thanks. I can't wait to buy that masterpiece.

A Memo to the Group Performance Choreographer: Your journey ends tonight.

A Note About the Scott MacIntyre and Matt Giraud Duet: In cooking terms, Matt threw it down on the grill; Scott gently nudged it onto the dorm-room hot plate. Methinks Matt deserves a followup invite to return to the Idol stage (and not have to share it with anybody) later this season.

And finally...A Memo to the Crystal Bowersox: We feel your pain, MamaSox, and we hope that by next week, you'll find the will to smile again, to enjoy the journey for however long this wacky nation of music lovers will allow. Because, honestly, we need you in this competition. We need you to give Siobhan a hug. We need you to keep up the jaunty repartee with Seacrest. And we need you to give guitar lessons to some of the doods.

p.s. We could read your lips after Katelyn got the axe, and we 100 percent agree with you. ''This is f----- up.'' Yep, it is. But keep on carrying on.

The 100 Coolest Things of 2009... 90 to 81

There are several videos on this post--if you reading this in Facebook, then click over to Clouds in My Coffee, so you can see everything properly. Then come back to Facebook, search Clouds in My Coffee and become a fan! We're 111 strong! Let's be 115! Yeah!

90... Dairy Queen Real Deals
Imagine my surprise when I walked into a Dairy Queen and saw a big square on the menu.  Three cubes on top, three on bottom, one on each side, and in the middle, the words, "2 for $3 or 3 for $4 or 4 for $5!".  So, for $5.40 (after tax), I can get a hot dog, a cheeseburger, a medium drink and a small sundae with anything from caramel to butterscotch (have to ask for that one) on it.  The marshmallow sundae is much better than it sounds, by the way.  I've eaten at DQ more in the last six months that I think I have in my whole life, including the year or so I worked there in 1995 at Troy's DQ. 

89... Stuff You Missed In History Class
I dig on podcasts and audiobooks.  I like listening to comedy, fiction, sports, nonfiction and... history.  There's this great little podcast from the website "How Stuff Works", which itself is a fascination podcast.  Well, "Stuff You Missed in History Class" has two hosts who essentially discuss... well, history.  In a fun way.  Usually its about stuff you dont know much about, or topics you've heard of, but don't know the whole story... some I've listened to recently include, "Why was Davy Crockett king of the wild frontier?" and "How the Berlin Wall worked" and "How the Emancipation Proclamation Worked"... now, don't ask me to remember any this stuff--I have the absorbing power of a concrete block (unless its about useless information, like what actually happened with the Montreal Screwjob), but nonetheless, its quite entertaining.

88... "Toy Story in 3-D" Double Feature
I'd been hearing about this for a long time, and thought The Lovely Steph Leann and I own both Toy Story movies, there is just something about seeing a movie on the big screen, especially a great film like both of these are. 



As far as the 3-D goes, ya know... it doesn't impress me as much.  I mean, it was good, but not unbelievable.  I sort of think that if you don't really notice the 3-D, then it might not be worth it (hence my review on "Avatar").  We saw it with family, which was fun, and its was just such a good time.  The problem came in, though, when The Lovely Steph Leann wanted popcorn and candy for the second film.  No biggie, right?  Go during the intermission... only, during the intermission, they decided they would show trivia, outtakes and other fun stuff.  So I missed a bunch of it. 

And Toy Story 3?  I'm excited.

87... Alissa & Joey's Wedding

I've known Alissa Kelly, the younger of two daughters of Pastor Calvin (Valleydale Church, an sbc fellowship), for at least 10 years, maybe more.  And I knew her before she was dating Joey, and then met Joey when they finally got together.  And then watched as they got engaged, and finally as they got married.  Perhaps I've not been really tight with either for years and years, but I felt like I've watched them both, especially Alissa, for a long time.  So, naturally, it was great watching their wedding, and it was great at their reception.  Beautiful bride, great groom, hilarious minister (Andy Murry, student pastor at Valleydale Church, an sbc fellowship) who said "Awesome" about fifty four times during the ceremony.  Congrats...

86... "The Smiley Face Commercial"
This ad just started coming on television not too long ago, and it hooked me immediately.  Its clever, its inventive, and it makes me think of driving... there is a semi-circle crack in the windshield of Toni Rocki Honda, just below my direct sight line of my driver's seat.  When I pull up behind someone, if I close one eye and cock my head just so, it makes a mouth to the brake light eyes, and it makes me happy.  Its the little things, really.



And I love the music.  Too bad its a great commercial concept for a credit card.  That's sort of like... well, I'll save the He Who Must Not Be Re-Elected potshot for later... Speaking of...

85... Joe Wilson Speaks What We Think
September 9th, 2009.  As He Who Must Not Be Re-Elected is spouting off, declaring how his amazing health care reform plan will save this nation, I watched this clip several times, and really, even though Joe Wilson (R-SC) yells "You lie!" at the 1:22 mark, he really could have yelled it at any point.  He Who Must Not Be Re-Elected is lying about "death panels" being a fabrication, about tax dollars not being used to fund abortions, about illegal immigrants not being covered under this plan and about tax dollars not being used. 



And what happens?  Wilson gets censured on the floor for "being disrespectful".  Heck, I'm glad that at least for one few shining moment, a Republican actually got passionate and stood up to He Who Must Not Be Re-Elected.  Cause in most speeches I've heard from He Who Must Not Be Re-Elected, "You Lie!" would fit.   And now you know.  And knowing is half the battle... Go Joe!

84... Paepcke Gets Told
Speaking of politics... let us turn to NBC Investigative Reporter Jon Paepcke, who is a former co-worker and a friend.  On October 28th, 2009, Birmingham's fine mayor, Larry Langford, was convicted on everything from bribery and embezzlement to tearing the "do not remove" tags off of his mattresses.  So, he does what he does best... mug for the camera.

Langford is doing a press conference about his innocense, when somewhere in there (its not in the video), Jon Paepcke actually asks Langford what he thinks this will do to Birmingham's Olympic chances in 2020.  When I saw that, I thought I was going to absolutely pass out.  Langford has been saying for years that the Olympic Games should come here--and he speaks as if this city not only has a shot, but a real shot.


(FYI... whoever loaded this video put their own commentary on screen--its the only copy of the video I could find to post, so please 'scuse)
 
So then, Langford them proceeds to go off on Paepcke, calling him a snake, the worst reporter of them all, and so on.  It was great.  I couldn't see the face of the blond reporter standing in front of Paepcke, but I can't imagine how priceless her awkward expression much be.  When he came into The Happiest Place in the Mall a few weeks ago, I ribbed him about it, and told him that video would be on this list.  He seemed proud.
 
83... "Men of a Certain Age"
I really dig this show.   And I would say the diggedness of this show is in no small part to the main three stars, Ray Romano (that "Ray" show), Scott Bakula (that "Leap" show) and Andre Braugher (that "Homicide" show), three guys I have always enjoyed in just about everything they've done.
 
Essentially, the plot is the friendship between three college friends – Joe, Owen and Terry – who are now in their late 40s/early 50s. Joe (Romano) is a slightly neurotic divorced father of two (Brittany Curran as Lucy, and Braeden Lemasters as Albert) who hoped to become a pro golfer but now owns a party store. Owen (Braugher) is an overstressed, diabetic husband and father, who is a car salesman at his dad's dealership. Terry (Bakula) is a struggling actor dating a much younger woman.



 
Ten years ago, I wouldn't have really enjoyed this show as much, mostly because I just wouldn't have understood it.  But the very first scene we see Owen in, when he's sitting up in bed, slightly overweight, looking frumpy and tired, sighing because its just another day... well, that I can identify with.   Its rated MA for language. 
 
Is it bad that I feel like in ten years, this show will be about me, my best mate Wookiee and Mikey?  With the Good Rev'rn Ty "Sharpton" Coffey tossed in?
 
82... "Paul Blart: Mall Cop"
I'll be honest, I wanted to see this film from the moment it came out.  I knew it would be bad.  I figured it would be bad.  I mean, its got Kevin James portraying... A Mall Cop.  The previews made both The Lovely Steph Leann and I laugh out loud, but they looked a little formulaic, a little cliched, and I thought, "Wow, that's going to be terrible."  And then a few weeks ago, I watched it via Netflix's Watch It Now Option.
 
...aaaaannnnndddddd........
 
I thought this movie was great, it made me laugh and was a good, shallow movie to sit back and enjoy.  I liked it because it didn't try to be anything that its not.  I liked it because Kevin James has a knack for being the guy who represents all of us kinda dorky guys who learns he only has to be his dorky self to be awesome.  I liked it because Jayma Mays, the ingenue/love interest, wasn't this unbelievable knock-out supermodel that would unrealistic to approach, she was this cute, down to earth girl that any of thinks we could at least talk to, and I liked it because the movie wasn't dirty, it didn't wallow in crude humor, it just told its story, made me laugh, then rolled the credits.  Yeah, yeah, its a little unbelievable that a group of robbers could take the mall on skateboards, but go with it...
 
...and this is unlike the other mall cop movie, "Observe & Report", with Seth Rogan, which might be one of the worst movies I've ever seen.  Here's what I said on June 5:
 
...I saw "Observe and Report" tonight at the $1 theater with Mikey. It was pretty terrible. It was a random (not in a good way) movie, it didn't go anywhere, it veered off into fifteen different directions, it wanted to be a comedy but still wanted to be taken as "smart" comedy, which it wasn't. Out of every character in that movie, including a usually reliable Seth Rogan's Ronnie, Anna Faris and several other "that guys" and B-listers, including Ray Liotta, the ONLY character in the entire movie I actually liked was that of Nell, the Cinnamon Bun stand worker, played by Collette Wolfe... otherwise, the movie was really lame...

81... The Amazing Race
This was the 15th edition of The Amazing Race, and the 11th that I'd watched.  Unlike Survivor, The Amazing Races all seem to kind of run together (ie, I couldn't name or even describe more then say, two winning teams in all 11 I've seen, excluding the last one), so it's always the contestants that make it for me.  And you're telling me that this one has two members of the Harlem Globetrotters named Flight Time & Big Easy?  Sold.
 
I would love to be on Survivor, but The Amazing Race would be awesome too, because its not so much a social game, as its a "get there as fast as you possibly can" game, which is awesome... sometimes, The Lovely Steph Leann and I will sit and watch together, usually picking out the challenges that she or I would do... though I told her that if we came to a 80 foot waterslide, one that was located in a resort, not in a tropical rain forest, and whooshed into a big pool, not a pirahna infested lake, and she refused to go down it--much like Mika did, while Canaan begged and pleaded for her to just let go of the bar--I think we'd get counseling.  It didn't help that Flight Time & Big Easy showed up, told her how scary it was and talked her out of it.  Mika & Canaan were in fact eliminated.
 
The big feud was Flight Time & Big Easy against Sam & Dan, brothers were both gay, and really, were just annoying and seriously a couple of jerks.  Naturally, though, the couple that fights and whines the most ends up winning, and thats exactly what Meghan and Cheyne (pronouced "shane", though not spelled the same for some unknown reason... perhaps they have a propencity for extra letters in their names.  Kinda like if I spelled my name "Dahyvedd".  I like it.)

Coming up...  A new "Bohemian Rhapsody"... Kate Wins... and more Pickles!  And later, could one of my friends be the next American Idol?

Reality Roundup Part 3: Solitary Amazing Race

Here's our final part of the "catch-up" from last week, after being at The Happiest Place on Earth... we've covered Idol, we've covered Survivor (featuring JT from Samson). Our last stop, at least for these batch of episodes, is The Amazing Race, followed by a television oddity called "Solitairy".

I've been watching The Amazing Race since its 3rd or 4th inception, and while it sometimes lacks the drama of Survivor, it is an equally good show... perhaps in some ways, better. I've often told The Lovely Steph Leann that were I given a choice, I would probably go on The Amazing Race for one factor only... its not a social game. What I love about Survivor is that not only do you have to be skillful in challenges, you have to play a people game--while that is fun to watch, I'm not so sure I'd be crazy about being in the midst of it. With The Amazing Race, its not social... its "first one there wins, last one there is out". Its a race, pure and simple. Oh, socialability plays into it, as there are many times you have to deal with other teams, negotiate, even help each other out, but for the most part, its "get there fastest, and your safe".

Don't get me wrong, though--if given a chance on Survivor, I'd be on that faster than President B. Hussein Obama would sign more legislation to take my hard earned tax dollars to give to someone who doesn't work. And if you think that I took way to long on that analogy because I'm a little bitter, than... you'd be right.

(searching the DVR for The Amazing Race... flipping past other programs that have been recorded already... flipping past "Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street"... flipping past "Pan's Labrynth"... flipping past some ridiculous Hallmark movie The Lovely Steph Leann recorded... flipping past three episodes of WWE Raw... flipping plast eight episodes of "Great Weekends With Samantha Brown"--oh, I do love me some Samantha Brown...)

(still searching, beginning to be concerned... and... sigh... I knew I didn't set the DVR to record last night's episode of The Amazing Race, but surely I set it to record the first one, last Sunday while The Lovely Steph Leann and I were watching "Wishes", the incredible fireworks display at The Happiest Place on Earth)

(has now come to the sad conclusion that I've missed the first two episodes of The Amazing Race... and also sad with the knowledge that while Survivor is available on CBS' website and on iTunes--how I watched the first episode last night--for whatever reason, The Amazing Race isn't available anywhere)

Well, this just sucks. So... I guess I'll surf on over to EW.com and read what I missed. Oh, but good news... there's only been one single episode! Here's the recap from the episode, and apparently I missed what might have been one of the greatest challenges in The Amazing Race history... says EW:

The best Detours and Roadblocks are the ones that truly break their contestants. Learning a local dance? Feh. Eating a big pizza? Phooey. Being briefly driven underwater in a Jeep? Back to Feh. But this was something special. Each team had to climb to a cheese ''aging shack'' at the top of a large, slippery hill, and then collectively carry four 50-pound wheels of cheese down the hill on an incredibly rickety backpack-type contraption. At first it seemed like it would be a simple relay race of brute strength, but then the carnage started.

The cheese was heavy, the backpacks were fragile, and the hill was slippery with wet grass and animal poop. It was glorious. The cheese racks splintered into pieces, and the cheese fell to the ground and roll all the way down the hill into the woods at great speeds. At one point Luke lost his balance and his legs began pinwheeling down the mountain as he desperately tried to keep upright, until he finally tumbled to the grass, his cheese flying out of his hands. Mel, who had said he'd prepped for the trip by doing pushups and sit-ups, suffered a groin injury and could only slowly inch down the hill on his butt, cheese in his lap: if only he'd done some groin-ups! And all the while, locals below laughed and laughed, much like the Russian marching band when frat guy Dan attempted to master marching last season.

Its a shame I missed it...

That brings us to Solitary, or as this season is called, Solitary 3.0--meaning the third season. Now this is a show you can only catch on Fox Reality (unless you download it, which I had to do with the first episode, to watch on The Happiest Interstate in Florida to The Happiest Place on Earth). The fact that its on Fox Reality should tell you something... shows that appear on this channel, and shows that keep getting renewed to appear on this channel are bottom feeding shows that you wouldn't believe.

For example, if one were to flip to Fox Reality right now, channel 250 on DirecTV, you'd be treated to a few hours of "Divorce Court", followed by "Ex-treme Dating", a show in which people are paired up with former loves, then "The Worlds Most Incredible Animal Rescues" and "Real Stories of the Highway Patrol". Later, "Smile Your Under Arrest" and "Battle of the Bods".

I think I discovered Solitary on iTunes during one of those "free episode" chances... it actually turned up as the 87th Coolest Thing of 2007, and you'll want to flip to this link to not only read up on this, but also for #86, where you'll see a link to one of my favorite music videos ever, Kenny G's "Don't Make Me Wait For Love"... I mean, the manifest destiny potential of this clip is just unchartable. Seriously.

Now, we've already had a few episodes of this show go by, so I'll give you the best recap I can... the first episode does something no other season has done--they are blindfolded upon being put in their "pod", that being the little room they'll be confined in, and when they pull their blindfolds off, they see another contestant in front of them. The pods are octagonal, with one little "food slot", or door they open to get something to eat, or whatever else they have to use. There is another little "isolation room" they have for bathroom use, and on the wall is a green button and a red button. At any time, if they choose to quit, they can press the red button. The green button is only used when they finish a challenge.

We have Katie, 19, an actress... we have Jennifer, 36, a chainsmoking pin up model... big tattooed Jason, 30, a bouncer... we have Jen, 38, a web designer... we have Ceon, a senior citizens home director... Maureen, 31, a former tv reporter, and so far, my personal favorite and possibly the hottest... Andrew, 20, a college student... Rob, 38, a computer programmer, and a guy who loves this show so much, he built his own pod at home... then there is Karrie and Trizz, who's ages and professions I didn't get.

Anyway, the first challenge for them to do laps around the small room, with the floor being covered in rocks. They complete as many as they can with shoes, then with only socks, then barefoot, each in 30 minute intervals. First they face off, pod vs pod, then finally, with 10 contestants and only 9 pods, the first to get bounced is 38 year old Jen.

And here's the Pod Rundown... #1 Pod Jen, the pin up model, is obsessed with serial killers. #2 Ceon runs a home for senior citizens. #3 Katie is a 19 year old kickboxing streaking actress. #4, RobRob, is stupid just cause he goes by that name. #5 is Maureen, who I did, even though I'm usually not an Asian chick fan. #6, Trizz, 27, is a cashier, a former foster child, hates technology and loves chick flicks. #7 is Andrew, 20, and an ametuer magician. #8, Karrie, is 28 and had a husband died in jail. And finally, #9, Jason, the bouncer, who loves bacon and hates old people.

Val, the computer voice who tells them what to do, gives them a chocolate bar for dinner, and then makes it about 98 degrees in the pod. Consider they also have not slept for over 24 hours. All for $50,000. This is a show I would not go on.

The first challenge involves a stool. They sit on the small wooden stool for an half an hour, or so, no big deal, even though they aren't allowed to put their feet on the footrest. Well, the next hour, they have to sit on a bicycle seat for half an hour. Then, for the next round, its a bowling ball for 45 minutes. This looks very, very painful...

Finally... they have to sit on a small round stool, perhaps four inches in diameter, for 60 minutes. To quit, you press the red button--but the trick is, you don't know if anyone else has pressed the red button yet, so if you can't take it, you can gamble that someone else has already quit. Within 60 seconds, Trizz, Katie and Big Jason pressed the red button... but its whoever is first that is gone. Trizz is now gone, the #6 pod goes dark.

Having been awake for over 40 hours, a bed slides out from the wall. They all get excited, but beware... I've seen Val give them as few as 10 minutes of sleep--without telling them they only get 10... this time, they get 30, before being rudely awakened by a loud alarm. We do this whole "speak to your loved one" for a segment (blah) and then onto the next challenge... in the pod, there are 8 weights, each with the exact weight of another contestant. They must match up each pod's contestant with each weight... there are over 40,000 possibilities... though knowing their own weight, it reduces the possibilities to only 5,000. Of course, several of them are getting their own weight wrong.

Finally, Val relents and instead of telling them "incorrect", she'll tell them "incorrect, you have four correct". Over 45 hours with only 30 minutes sleep, a chocolate bar to eat, and three hours into this challenge, #2 Ceon gets it right, only a few minutes before #1 Jen gets it right.

The next challenge is a big bowl of white rice... with one grain of orange rice. Using chopsticks, without tipping the big bowl over, find the orange grain and hold it up. RobRob, #4, finds it, but not before #2, Ceon, holds it up, making it 2 for 2 in challenges. His reward is a big plate of teriyaki chicken and rice--sometimes the rewards are pretty good, actually.

Everyone else wanders around their pod being silly, hungry, tired and stupid. And the next challenge is a pinching one. The contestants are required to place harsh metal pinchers on their body all over, in specific directed places, from faces to thighs to legs to arms to stomachs to fingers... Ceon, #2, gets to skip the challenge and also gets to make another (he chooses #9 Jason) put on 2 extra clips.

And the clips go on. My dear #5 Maureen, starts with her stomach. Others go for the legs. Some on shoulders. Another goes for his knees. Imagine a potato chip bag clip, times a thousand.

So, Fox Reality is showing all these shows that probably cost next to nothing to make, and seriously, how much could the syndication rights to "Celebrity Mugshots Exposed" actually cost? And yet, only $50K to the winner.

Karrie, #1, puts the clips on her fingers... bad, bad news. Ten clips, twelve clips, fifteen clips. Forty in all. Jen, #1, puts clips on her fingers too. Very bad. And finally, #1 Jen pushes the red button, hoping that someone else had done the same thing. The #1 pod goes dark, and red headed pin up model Jennifer leaves forever.

The bad thing about this challenge is not just the clips, but what happens when you pull them off. After so long on the skin, the skin deadens, but when the clips come off, blood rushes to the area and it causes great, great pain.

Alright, well, 2 episodes in, and I have 3 more to catch up on... and I'm not going to watch them all right now, frankly cause I want to do some other stuff.

Tonight... American Idol's first 12 contestants sing, and apparently, the top 3 go on to the Finals. And coming Sunday, the annual Oscar running diary... until then...

The Coolest Things of 2007... 60 to 51

Here's the next entry in our 100 Coolest Things of 2007....

#60. The Amazing Race All Stars
Back in the Spring, the pulled together the finest teams from The Amazing Race to... okay, did I say finest? Well, when you have a team that befits the best of the PG-13 nickname, "Team Bats***", plus teams that I nicknamed Eric & The Boob and Gay Miserables, and of course, Rob & Amber who are in a competition with Omarosa for the most reality shows ever, then you have one heck of an entertaining show.

I was rooting hard for Dustin & Kandice, two of my reality show hall of famers, but they only made it to third. Here was what I thought on February 20th:

I still love Dustin & Kandice. I can't tell them apart, but the fact that no one likes them because they are so competitive makes me root for them. I'm also pulling for Uchenna and Joyce, though I'm sure going on a trip around the world is the perfect solution for a troubled marriage due to infertility.

#59. "The Shining" by Stephen King
What a creepy book. I once said that this was the most frightening book I had ever read, and since I shot through several Stephen King books, both ones I'd read and ones I hadn't, I thought it a good time to get The Shining again. And I learned something... this book isn't that scary, or at least as frightening as I remember it. However, the book is about a hundred times better than I remember it being.

Its so easy to get influenced by the Stanley Kubrick version of the book, the one where Jack Nicholson plays the Overlook Hotel caretaker, Jack Torrence. This movie in itself is a great, creepy film, but it does so much gouging of the actual book--from leaving out the hedges to the fate of Dick Halloran to the true meaning of "The Shine"--it is not far removed from being a different film altogether.

At its heart, "The Shining" is a book about a father, Jack, who has been a failure all his life and will give up everything to succeed as caretaker, and his son, Danny, who loves and idolizes his father so much, it almost costs Danny his own life. Both Jack and Danny, and mother Wendy, and Dick Hallorann are so rich in character, its a marvel just to read their stories... and the other character is The Overlook, the sinister hotel high in the Colorado mountains. King writes The Overlook as if it had feelings, as if it had anger, love, emotion, jealousy and so on, because truthfully, it does. It comes alive to manipulate Jack into getting what it wants.

This is where the movie misses out. In the movie, its just a haunted hotel and a crazy man, but in the book, you watch the hotel slowly take over the Torrence family. In my favorite scene in the book, and one of the scariest in any book, the hedges slowly come alive to try and take Danny into the hotel's soul, and they try to take Jack as well.

I rented the mini-series that came out a few years ago, with Steven Weber and Rebecca DeMornay as Jack and Wendy and it... well, it was terrible. It was given a modern day feel, but still tried to use the verbage and language from the 70s, when it was written. It highlighted much more than Kubrick's "The Shining", including key parts like the croquet mallet, the furnace and the hedges, but its just acted so poorly.

Anyway, this was a great book, one that I highly recommend picking up over a weekend. Keep the lights on. Re-watch Kubrick's "The Shining" only after you've finished the book, and steer clear of the mini-series.

#58. MLK Weekend at the Beach
Spending the weekend at the beach is a great thing. Spending the weekend at a friend's house, when it doesn't cost you anything, is a better thing. Having a bunch of good friends with you is the best.

Because The Lovely Steph Leann never gets to see her BFFs, DeLisa, Lesley & Susie, from school, late in '06 we started planning (and yes, I was one of the initial developers of this great idea) to all get together for MLK three-day weekend. There was Suzie & Mike, who owned the house we'd be staying in... there was Lesley & Jason, who lives in Crestview, parents of twins (who stayed with grandparents)... there was DeLisa & Nick, who live here in town, but we never get to see because even when you live in Birmingham, its so big it might as well be another city... and there was Mike, one half of the Mike & Ken guy duo that hung out with them. Mike brought his fiance-now-wife Daphne... or perhaps it was his wife already. I don't remember...

In the back, Mike & Daphne, Jason & Leslie. In the front, there's Nick & DeLisa, me and The Lovely Steph Leann and in the bottom right corner, Susie and Mike.

Anyway, it was a good time. We just hung out, we went shopping the next day at San Destin, we grilled out, watched sports, and just had a good time. Mostly, it was good to see Stephanie reconnect with BFF Suzie, BFF DeLisa, BFF Lesley and BFF Mike. We were going to try to do it again this year, but that didn't work so well...


#57. Tyler Graduates
I've always talked about Tyler, the Sexy Beast of the Clouds in My Coffee Blog, in a great way, cause he's really a good kid. He's my brother in law, The Lovely Steph Leann's youngest brother, and truly fun to be around.

So, naturally, it was a good time when we got to see him graduate, along with my other friends Stephen Hunt, Trey Cartledge and Garrett Cheney... and of course, like last year's graduation with Kourtney Kelley & Kandice Kelley (which ranked #20 on the Coolest Things of 2006), it was a good time to have fun with some of the names.... names like Robert Alan "Case of" Heinke, Elijah "Soy" Chai Ngaruiya, Zack Bedgood and Rizwan Poonwalla (the new Chest Rockwell and Brock Landers), and of course, The Gurley Man and the Priddy Boy.

You can go back and read the entire graduation blog here.

#56. The Lovely Steph Leann's One Liners
Sometimes, perhaps more often than not, Steph Leann is really, really funny. For whatever reason, she waited until this year to start popping off the one liners...

Me, sitting at Purple Onion, listening overhead: Is that Lional Richie I hear? At a Greek restaurant?
Steph Leann: Hey, Lionel Richie is universal.

(you can read the full story here)

Me, watching some show with Elvis on it: Elvis was really a pimp
Steph Leann: Honey... Elvis invented pimp

Me: (I don't remember what I said)
Steph Leann: There are not dust bunnies in my belly button!!!

You get the idea. Funny, funny stuff. (I'm going to regret that last one)

#55. STOMP!
What a great show. We saw it in December with Andy & Kristy Murry, who'd never seen it before (this was my fourth time). It's always great to see it with people who haven't.

Anyway, STOMP! is the percussion show where the cast makes great music with advanced instruments like brooms, dowels, rods, balloons, plastic sacks, newspapers, trash cans, trash can lids, keys and everything else you can imagine. Its a marvelous show that obviously takes a long time to prepare for... totally worth the cost.



You know, what kills me is when I was in 6th grade, I had the chance to join the band. I thought about playing drums, which would have been cool, but I waited, picking up alto sax in 9th grade. But what if I would have started on the drums in 6th grade, then in 8th grade, turn to my fellow drummers, saying "Hey, why don't we get some brooms and such, and make some music? It might be cool." I'd be a freakin' millionaire. I chalk this right under Build-a-Bear in the "why the heck didn't I think of that??" catagory.

I would highly recommend getting Stomp Out Loud on dvd. Its a tv version of the show, lasting about an hour, and there's some stuff in it that you only see on tv.

#54. "Salem's Lot" by Stephen King
Unlike "The Shining", I had never read "Salem's Lot", and unlike "Cell", I didn't know what Salem's Lot was about... well, except for vampires.

Alongside "The Shining", "The Stand" and "It", "Salem's Lot" is considered one of Stephen King's masterpieces. Written in 1975, it tells the story of Jerusalem's Lot, or 'Salem's Lot, Maine, a town that is slowly dying--or, disappearing, rather. Ben Mears, a writer, moves back into town after his wife dies, strikes up a friendship with local doctor Matt Burke and sparks a relationship with old friend Susan Norton.


He's back to write a book on The Marsten House, the local "haunted house" (because every small town has one) that gave him nightmares as a child. Things are not well at The Marsten House, which of course, why would they be--this is, after all, a true horror story.
The build-up is fantastic... you don't even know its a vampire story until at least halfway through the book. The payoff is even better, as lots of people start dying, lots of vampires start attacking and lots of goose bumps start bumping. You can even read the "bookends" of the novel, two short stories that appear in Stephen King's "Night Shift", with "Jerusalem's Lot" set before "Salem's Lot", and "One for the Road" set after.

I've never seen the original movie adaptation, but I will say like "The Shining", steer clear of the Rob Lowe starring made-for-tv adaption. Its just terrible.

#53. Transformers.
We all loved the afternoon cartoon, and some of us remember the guilty pleasure that was and is the mid-80s animated Transformers movie, the one where Optimus Prime not only curses, but dies. So, we were pretty excited when we heard that Michael Bay (the director) and Steven Spielberg (the producer) would be involved in a 2007 update of the great kid toy line.

I'll be honest with you... there's nothing about this movie I didn't like. As in, I liked EVERYTHING about this flick. There's not a throwaway line, there's not a wasted scene, even Bumblebee going from old school VW Bug to a classic Camero didn't bother me like I thought it would. The Year of Shia LaBeouf continues as he's perfectly cast, while Megan Fox lives up to her surname. And of course, you have the Autobots and Decepticons, which every guy--and some girls--were so jazzed about because it took us all back to when we were 8, raging the battle of Cybertron on our front lawn.

The ending battle through the city is phenomenal, as is just about everything about the movie.

#52. Seth Rogan
Wow this guy is funny. Who knew? Althought I saw "Knocked Up" first, I can see where his reputation started to build after "40 Year Old Virgin". And then, in "Superbad", with the crazy 'stache, as a moron cop, he's hilarious too.

I'm so diggin' the Fu stache. I'm trying to convince The Lovely Steph Leann to let me grow on.

I'll end up having to put "Freaks & Geeks" on my Blockbuster Queue, where he started on TV.

#51. Facebook
MySpace used to be the place to go, until they opened up Facebook to the world, instead of just college students and business networks. I know, I know, there are some who wanted to keep it only for college students and businesses, but I, for one, am glad they opened it.

I mean, how else can I keep up with my friends Katy Boo, Leslie Ailsworth, Sam Allison, Amy Anderson, Blair and Matt Andress, Hannah Armstrong, Andrew Atkinson, Bobbi Jo, Shawn Baxley, Lauren Beam, Fish, BCM Brad, Binkley, Curtis Black, My Little Perfect Daughter, Jana Blackwell, Shelby, Katie Bolt, Tyler Bolton, Malinda Nichols, J-Bo, Meredith Brazzell, Wendy Brobst, Crush, Nikki Brown, Mike Brunson, David Bullock, Rob, Jessica & Kathy Compton, Sister Golden Hair, Cara Caillouet, All the Gfeller girls, Shiloh, Chad & Ashley Campbell, Tyler, Michelle Carr, Jamie & Trey Cartledge, All the Long Girls, Big Ben Caver, Karen Chapman, Lacey Chappell, Christi Chastain, Garrett Cheney, Paige Cheney, The Clark Girls, My Little College Freshman, Carol Anne, Marcus Clement, Jason & Andrea, Ty & Donette, Megan Bryan "was almost Dollar" Collins, Jordan Craddock, Jonathan & Amanda Cranston, Steph Crisp, Logan Crook, Shelley Streed, Josh Crosby, Brittany & Chris Croyle, Brooke Culpepper, Cassidy Curles, Jeremy Davis, Tama Davis, Tobi Davis, Wendi Deckermiller, Laura DeGH, Jeff Dickey, Sharon Dobbins, Ellen Donze, Luthor, J-Dotson, Beverly Earman, Liz Beth Earman, Clint Ellis, Adam Ellis, Deena Emaish, Jenn Ersnt, Lindsay Mims, Aaryn Figert, Joanna Finch, Jared Fincher, All the Fine Kids (minus Aaron), Kelly Fisher, Stacey Francis, Susie Franks, Caroline Franks, Wook Fu, Sammi Funk, Chase Garner, Mollie Garrigan, Louie Giglio, Lane Gilmore, Courtney Glicken, Abbey Gore, Emily Lovinggood, Kim Graham, both Zack and Kara Graves, Devan Grayson, Katie Green, Stephen Greer, Little Jaci, Matt Grimes, Tony Griffies, Jordan Grubb, the elder two Guthrie children, Alyssa Guy, Lora Haghighi, Ashton Hale, The Hall, Steph Halpert, Leah Hamel, Kyle Hanson, Anna Banana, Tamara Harper, Sarah Hasha, Philip Hasha, Drew Hataway, Haley's Comet, Jessica Hawbaker, Kelcie & Danielle Hicks, Jeff Herring, Annaka Hindman, Joey Hinson, Jess Hodges, Aleicia Hornsby, Julie Howell, Dan Howard, Whitney Huff, Stephen Hunt, Ink Hwangpo, Rachel & Sarah Jacks, Molly, Jill, Marie & Sybil Johnson, Joy JohnsTon, Megan, Chris and Jeremy Jones, Gabe & Giselle Josef, Stefanie & Stacy Jovanioviahnivhich, Andrew Kallus, Cari Kates, the Entire Kelley Family, Alissa Kelly, Lara Kolmetz, Gretchen Krisher (wait... who? Oh yeah, Gretchie!), Launi Larrabee, All three Latta boys and their women, Manda Laughlin, Kelsie Lawson, Alyssa Lehr, Jon Lenning, Ann Marie, My Little Muffinhead, My Little Muffinhead's bro Brad, Laran Lofton, Ashley Lovell, Deb Lowe, The Mackeys, Mama P, Erin Magonigal, Eazy E, Jonathan and Jennifer Marbutt, Morgan Marks, Paige Martin, Josh Martin, Crystal Martin, Meredith May, Ryan Mays, Chris McCall, Kasey McCarver, Keri McLendon, Jennifer McShea, Big Eddy Mac, Little Eddy Mac, Krista Mac, Jesalyn McCurry, Shannon Megan, Vicki McGee, Courtney McGough, Bradley McGuffey, Jonathan McKenzie, Tommy, Amy & Bruce McLeod, Paul McRae, Chad McRee, Mateo and Cherene, Karina, Steph and Kellen Miller, The Downeaster Alexa, John Milton, Jennifer Mims, Super Dana, Kelly Mize, Amanda Abbott, Drew Morris, Justin Moseley, Porcia, Andy Murry, Mikey Nipp, Katie & Alyce Noland, My Twinkie Adrianne, Trey O'Neal, Angie Mark Pilgrim Osborne, all three Osborne kids, Kelli Parks, Christy & Ricky Parvin, Rick Paschal, Andrea Payton, Leigh Pegg, Tina Pilgrim, Pinky, Bradley Pinkerton, Laura Parker Posey, Kevin Price, Hannah Pruitt, McQ, Rebe Raffini, Dave Ramsey, Jeremiah Rastegar, Matt & Steph Rector, Mary Reed, Alan Renfroe, K-Swiss, Amanda Rials, Ashley Rials, Destiny Richards, Jessica Rogers, Jenny Ross, Heather Rowland, Kevin Sanders, Melinda Schauland, Petey & Jenn, Kasie Secrest, Audrey Senkbeil, Beth Sentell, Shawnifer, Rene Sheppard, LP Sherman (42 Wallaby Way), Brain Sherrell, Christine Shores, Whitney Shores, Shrop, Kristi Simmons, Cindy Skipworth, Tallahassee, Shawn Smallwood, Steve, Justin and Jason Smith, My Little Sister, Rocky, Butters, Savannah Stamps, Beth Stanley, Gweer Stanton, Dave Stephens, Sgt Stone, Paulie Sutton, Kat Switzer, Ginny Temple, Saratara, Katytara, Lolo, Joey Thomason, Julia Thomason, Abby... excuse me, Abigail Thomason, Joey Thornell, Diva Trent, Courtney Trippe, Trinity Tucker, Haley Turnage, Jennifer Mullins Turpin, Amy Valdmanis, Julie Vance, Todd & Brooke Veleber, Luke Vogel, Nick Wade, Jessica Walker, K-Dub, Kyriae Warner, Sarah Warren, Michael Warren, The Wasyluka, Meredith Watkins, My Little Bobblehead, Maisha Watson, Weaver, Derek Weeks, Ashley Wehunt, Kelley Whatley, Erin Whidden, Molly White, Sierra Wiginton, Jordan Willcox, Jessica Williams, Leah Williams, Chase Williams, So Very Kari Wilson, Theresa Wilson, Alisa Worley, Angela Wren, Devon Yarbrough, PauYau! and Claire Young?

It would be impossible, really.

Coming up... the Top 50 Coolest Things of 2007, including Weird Al's Latest video, the war in Disney, Fergalicious and, at last, K-Dub.

Bryce Dallas Howard (and other reviews)

As I sat in the theater, watching Spiderman 3 at midnight on Thursday night, my emotions went from happiness to frustration to bewilderment, and back again. And, at 245am, I strode out of The Rave Motion Picture Theater at Lee Branch with only one thought on my mind... I wanted it to be better.

Before we get going, let me answer two questions that will pop up... yes, I am a comic book geek, which includes several Spiderman titles. And no, I don't get angry when movies stray from the comic book vision of a character, as long as it makes sense.

I've been trying for several days to pinpoint exactly what it was that made me not go crazy over this film much as I had after Spiderman 2 and the original. Maybe its a "3" thing... X-Men: The Last Stand, Superman III, Lethal Weapon 3, Police Academy 3, all inferior to the first two that make the series so great... I paid 8 bucks for it, and yeah, I'm okay with the fact that I did, but I wouldn't see it a second time.

The easiest way to do this is just list it... here's what I didn't like:
--It took forever to get to Venom. This was proably the most anticipated villian in a comic book movie in a long, long time, and though the payoff was great, the wait was maddening.
--Kirsten Dunst looks... well, crappy. Playing the gorgeous Mary Jane Watson, she comes across as someone who always has just rolled out of bed. She's sad, she's angry, she's impatient (yes, rightly so, but still). I file Kirsten under "The Angelina Jolie Memorial Chicks Who the Whole World Thinks Is So Hot But I Just Don't Get It Club"
--Harry Osborne is a dork. Plain and simple. The set-up from the last movie is that Harry wants to kill Spiderman for the murder of his father (who was also the Green Goblin). The payoff is like being teased with a steak from Outback and getting a hot dog from Sneaky Pete's.
--Another part that had the potential for being out of this world was Venom taking over Peter Parker. Venom, really an alien symbiote, is aggressive, and makes its host just as aggressive. Peter could have been vicious, crazy, out of control, almost like the Bad Superman vs Clark Kent kind of battle in Superman III (about the only decent part of that wretched piece of bile). What happens is he turns into a joke. Watch the dance scene, tell me I'm wrong.
--Emo Peter Parker. Read the above paragraph.
--Can we have one bad guy who isn't a result of an alien or an experiment gone wrong? Anyone?
--How 'bout they crammed what seemed like 1,633 subplots into this movie... you had Uncle Ben's death revisited, Flint Marko's dilemma, Eddie Brock, Peter loves Mary Jane, Peter likes Gwen, Harry is ticked off, Spidey vs. Venom, Spidey vs. Sandman, Spidey vs whatever Harry Osborne was calling himself (cause it sho' wasnt something cool like the Hobgoblin). I kept wondering if this is secretly a Robert Altman film and no one wanted to admit it.


Oh look, its an excuse to post a picture of Bryce Dallas Howard.

That being said, here's what is right about the film:
--Topher Grace, leaving all shades of Eric Forman behind, as Eddie Brock. Eddie is a journalist who is humiliated, and seeks revenge on Spiderman, and Topher plays him to the hilt. Even when he becomes Venom, Topher is totally cool and mean in the character. --Bryce Dallas Howard as Gwen Stacy. She wasn't really given enough to do in this movie, but she was... uh... well, she's quite the attractive young lady there.
--The effects were astounding. I mean, just simply great. The final battle is pretty wicked-bad too.
--Character actor JK Simmons is perfect as J. Jonah Jameson, and I now cannot imagine anyone else playing the part. (speaking of JK, its surprising how much stuff you'll see him in... Steph and I watched the last 30 minutes of a underrated Kevin Costner movie, "For Love of the Game", only to see JK onscreen as the manager)
--Thomas Haden Church was also perfect as Flint Marko, who ends up being The Sandman. I kinda like how he wasn't played evil, just forced to do bad things to help his family. Reminded me of Ahnold as Mr. Freeze in Batman & Robin. Okay, well, anything that reminds me of Batman & Robin probably isn't that good.
--Bruce Campbell plays yet another small cameo part. Bruce, a buddy of Raimi's, starred in Sam Raimi's classic Evil Dead series, and pops up here and there in various flicks. How can you not like a guy who is starring in a movie called "Bubba Nosferatu and the Curse of the She Vampires", and its not even a porn flick?

Should you go see it? Yeah, probably. I'm not telling you the movie is terrible, because it's not. It's actually pretty good. Not great, not very good, not amazing, just... pretty good. And that hurts me to say it, because when I come out of "Bug", the new Goddess & Global Ambassador Ashley Judd film, "pretty good" is a very good thing to say about it. For something like Spiderman 3, "pretty good" is a disappointment. I hope Harry Potter fares better.

By the way, it might have been only the midnight showing special, but we saw trailers for "Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End" (there's that "3" thing again), Live Free or Die Hard, Transformers, the new Harry Potter flick (you were right, Nikki), and The Bourne Ultimatum. All look great.

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Just finished a book called "Cell" by Stephen King. Now, you may not know I used to be an absolute Stephen King Junkie... I joined the "Stephen King Book Club" when I was a junior in high school, and every six weeks, I'd get a new book in the mail. By the time I left the club some five or six years later, I had about 30 of his books, and had actually read several of them... I enjoyed the heck out of "Pet Semetary", "Cujo" and "Christine", all keenly superb to the movies that tried model them. "The Shining" is perhaps the scariest book I've ever read, and my favorite turned out to be "It". Don't judge book by the silly miniseries.

The reason I say "had" 30 of his books is that I put them in The Deuce storage unit, and the Honorable Rev'rn Ty Coffey put two plastic bins of clothes atop of my book boxes, causing the closed box to rip and open... thus a year later, I've got 30 books covered in funk and mold. Thanks Senator.

I have yet to tackle the Dark Tower Series... frankly, it intimidates me. If I have trouble starting "The Stand", I know all seven volumes of The Dark Tower will kick my buttocks. And the only movies I can say are better than the stories that tell them are "Stand By Me" based on "The Body", and of coure "The Shawshank Redemption", based on "Rita Hayworth & the Shawshank Redemption". Both are from the King book "Different Seasons". Close, however, is "Misery".

Anyway, "Cell" tells the story of a man named Clay, who is estranged from his wife, but has good news to tell her--he just signed a comic book deal with Dark Horse Comics, and on his way to tell her the good news, stops off at an ice cream truck in Boston's Common area for a tasty treat.

A few minutes later, a "pulse" happens, though you don't know that's what it is at that second. Everyone who is or was on their cell phones at the time of the pulse goes crazy... they start killing people, biting into necks, running around grumbling gibberish. All this part I knew going into the story... I was not expecting the story that came to be after it, however.

Clay joins forces with a stranger named Tom, and together they work their way to the safety of a locked up hotel. Along the way, they meet and grab Alice, a 15 year old who had seen her mother get "pulsed" and go crazy, trying to kill her.

Clay's main concern is his son, Johnny G, who happens to own a cell phone, and the group sets off to work ther way up to New Hampshire, where Clay's residence is. Along the way, they make some startling discoveries... for one, the Phone-Crazies, as they are soon to be called, don't come out at night, only during the day time. Early in the morning and late in the evening, they are seen "flocking" in the same direction, all in lockstep with each other, all clearly moving with a common purpose. Another thing Alice picks up is that the Phone-Crazies are getting smarter.

Though never fully explained in detail, the cause of the pulse isn't as supernatural as you might think, and overall, the book is a fantastic story. There is an "out of the blue" death in the last 1/3 that left me rather empty, but after all their travels and meetings with strangers that become instrumental in what they are doing, the book draws to a satisfactory end.

It's classic Stephen King, with words written in such a manner that you can not just picture every character, but also the details of their face, the body langauge they give off and the personalities that you begin to either loath or enjoy, but at least you care one way or another.

I've just started reading "The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon", and it's not bad so far either... but I can definately recommend "Cell" to anyone who's thought about buying it. Go for it.

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Watched a great flick called "The Holiday" last night as well... I've heard alot about this, reviews were pretty good, word of mouth has been good--and after seeing it, I can say it earned its praise.

Iris (the wonderful Kate Winslet) is an editor at a magazine, and she's been in love with her ex, Jasper, for three years. He has just become engaged to the girl he cheated on Iris with, and didn't even bother to tell Iris, even though they work in the same building.

Five thousand miles away, we meet movie trailer editor Amanda (a surprisingly cute Cameron Diaz), who is throwing her shoes at her boyfriend Ethan (Edward Burns). It seems Ethan has been out until 3 in the morning frolicking with his secretary. Amanda kicks him out, and now we have two miserable girls.

So Amanda gets online, discovers this "Exchange-a-Home" program, where you change homes (this type of program actually exists, by the way), cars and lives for 2 weeks with someone... and the house she finds is owned by Iris in England. They agree, they swap houses, and we watch two stories unfold... Amanda meets Graham, an charming Englishman played by Jude Law, and they begin a whirlwind romance, while Iris is trying to over Jasper (who keeps calling anyway), and ends up meeting Arthur (Eli Wallach), an elderly legendary movie director, and strikes up a meaningful friendship... then she meets Miles, a movie score composer, played by... Jack Black.


Kate Winslet was my excuse to watch this movie, and lo and behold, I enjoyed it

I really liked this film. It was fun, it was funny and it was sweet in all the right places. All four leads--Winslet, Diaz, Law and Black--were perfect in their roles. The romance between Amanda and Graham is believable, and honestly, I haven't seen Cameron Diaz really attractive in a role since she was Kimmy in "My Best Friends Wedding". The romance between Miles and Iris is more subtle, and for good reason... who wants to see a love
scene involving Jack Black?

Anyone who reads this knows I hold Kate Winslet with high regard, and it was awesome to see her play a modern day Englishwoman... no corsets, no American accents, no sinking ships, just... her character was just average, which made her gorgeous.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

The Amazing Race ended on Sunday night, with a whimper really. It's been an awesome season, mostly because of the teams that annoy everyone, that being Rob & Amber (who were booted in episode 5) and of course, Mirna and Charla, also known as Team Bats***.

Remaining was the aforementioned batty team, Eric and Danielle, and my reality show hall of famers, Dustin and Kandice. A few weeks ago, I was reading the review of the episode on Entertainment Weekly's site (one of many tv and movie sites you can find by going to the side links on the right -->) and for whatever reason, scrolled down to read some comments. There was some jerk who said something like "I read that Eric and Danielle win, D&K come in 2nd, and Mirna and Charla are in 3rd".

So with this in the back of my mind, I kept waiting for Team Bats*** or Eric and the Boobs to get eliminated (but of course, not Dustin & Kandice) just to prove the poster wrong, but when these made it to the final three, I knew who would win. Darn it. Darn it darn it darn it. I am the guy who actually will read the last chapter of a book before I start the whole thing, and sometimes will find out how a movie will end before I watch it, but darn it, let my Amazing Race unfold.

I wasn't alone though... here's what EW's Josh Wolk said to open his review: So the insistently rude spoiler posting on this site was right: Eric and Danielle won. Somewhere out there, our little suspense obliterator was grinning happily as the platonic duo hit the mat first, pleased with himself that this was no surprise to anyone. Now that it's over, how will he spend his summer? Attending birthday parties and shouting out what's in each present just as children are about to unwrap them?

Anyway, I almost felt bad for Team Bats*** in the end, because two of the last three challenges were so physically exhausting, there's almost no way to beat Eric & The Boobs, and even Dustin & Kandice. And they didn't, the poster was right, and I was left feeling let down, after all the good build up, I wanted a better finish, and I felt... well, like I was walking out of Spiderman 3 all over again.