I'm not sure that anyone but myself, The Lovely Steph Leann and our friend Cindy Jo is actually watching American Idol this season. Heck, I stopped doing Idol blogs years ago, even before the dumpster fire that was the Mariah Carey/Nicki Minaj season...
SIDEBAR -- I'm proud to say I've been alive for the entire five or six years that Nicki Minaj has even been a thing, and I'm proud to say I haven't heard more than five seconds of any Minaj song. I know she has one called "Starship" or "Spaceship" or something, but I only know it because the title appears on my screen on SiriusXM, but I'm quick to turn it. To be fair, she does add a little flair to the Jessie J/Ariana Grande song "Bang Bang" which I want to publicly denounce, but deep down in the iPod of my heart, it sits next to "Party in the USA" as "My Jams" OTHER SIDEBAR -- I don't know a lot about Jessie J, other than she sorta looks like a poor man's Idina Menzel. And honestly, I'm trying not to like Ariana Grande because she's really flaky, but darn it if I actually kinda like her. Let's move on.
Where was I? Oh yeah...
Anyway, we are rocketing towards the finale like a Meat Loaf album title (wait for it) and most unexpectedly. The Lovely Steph Leann and I have had more than one conversation about how Idol has been a mainstay for Fox for a decade and a half, making it a bajillionty dollars, and yet, it's as if the execs at Fox said "Get it done and over as quick as possible."
So much so that we are chunking two at a time in the past few weeks, not even a separate results show, and seriously, I freakin' miss the Silver Stools of Doom that the Bottom Three had to sit on to await their fate!
I figured they would have at least a full Top Ten, even after that quick slashing of the Top 24... but nope. Knocking two out, then two more, then another, all under the guise of "Judge's Save", giving the power to Harry Connick Jr, Jennifer Lopez & keith urban to pick the best of the Bottom 3 to remain.
Anyway, tonight's show was the Final Six, soon to be a Final Five, as the judges use the "last Judge Save". I didn't even know we were calling it that.
Who do we have? Sonika Vaid, with her old school Demi Lovato teeth gap... Tristan McIntosh who, for the life of both myself and The Lovely Steph Leann, we cannot figure out how she made it this far... Mackenzie Bourg, who strikes me as very toothy... Dalton Rapattoni, the token eyeliner-wearing guy on the show... Trent Harmon, who is The Lovely Steph's Leann's favorite and seemingly a pretty cool guy... and La'Porsha, the big haired prohibitive favorite who can not just sing, but SAANG.
Here are my thoughts on tonight's episode... First... Harry made some comment about how this is the final night to use the save, and said something about how everyone is bringing it tonight because they haven't used it yet... but actually, when he said it, the Judge's Save had been used about 10 minutes prior to save Sonika. This show IS live, right? Are they pulling a Seacrusty Fakery on us?
Second... Olivia Rox should still be here. Avalon shouldn't have lasted this long, just like Tristan.
Third... If Idol were to continue, La'Porsha's version of Mary J. Blige's "No More Drama" would go down in A.I. folklore as one of those seminal moments on the show, a la "Summertime" by Fantasia or David Cook's version of "Hello" or Carrie Underwood's "Alone"... something you remember for years to come.
Fourth... While it's never a wrong time to have the performance of your season, like MacKenzie did tonight, it's not quite as magical when you blow everyone away with a tender version of Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean" only to have everyone be blowered awayer more when La'Porsha comes up.
Fifth... This is perhaps the first season that I could see anyone in the Top Four actually winning and being successful (which is a relative term for Idol, because though we have Kelly, Carrie, Daughtry and a few others, we also have DeWyze and Bowersox and many more forgotten names). I say four because Sonika will likely be dropped next week. It's time. Sixth... Do you mean to tell me that Idol listened to the fans and American actually chose "Wild World" by Cat Stevens? I'd almost guarantee that 88.4% of the Idol audience had no idea who sang "Wild World", and probably 67.9% of that group may not even know who Cat Stevens is. I smell shenanigans.
Seventh... Its a joy to watch J-Lo, Harry and keith do their thing, because you can tell they truly are having a great time. People complain that since Simon left, it's gone downhill, but I am one of those people who didn't watch for the disasters, I watched for the talents. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed William Hung and "Pants on the Ground" like anyone else, but I have really reveled in watching the real artists emerge(long live Julia DeMato!), and our three judges feel the same. Eighth... While not in this episode, go out and find Kelly Clarkson's version of "Piece by Piece" from a few weeks ago, her new song. Holy crap. It might be the best performance Kelly has ever pulled off.
Ninth... Speaking of returning Idols, what is Adam Lambert doing that he can't take 2 hours and sit at the table and judge? Or work with the Idols a little? Seriously... Kelly Clarkson is like forever pregnant, but sat right down and did a great job helping the Idols, and THEN performed. I give a pass to Carrie Underwood but Adam Lambert? Sit yo' butt down and talk to these kids.
Tenth... I'll admit, I like Tristan, but I agree with Harry when he says that she's uber talented, but just not ready for this. Which is annoying, because he was one of the three people that put her into this Top Ten limelight, but there it is. She sang a Martina McBride song for the 2nd week in a row, and while last week's "Broken Wing" saved her bacon (she did it justice), this week she did a piano ballady version of "Independence Day". That's not a song you can make into a ballad, or at least not easily. And while she sang okay, the song lost its umph with her version.
Last point... Tristan and Sonika were in the Bottom Two, and had to sing to try and earn the Judge's Save. While Tristan did the aforementioned "Independence Day", Sonika chose to sing, "Demi Lovato's 'Let It Go'"
This led to a deep chat between myself and The Lovely Steph Leann, because I was somewhat bugged by the fact that it was "Demi's 'Let It Go'" I immediately piped up with "That's Idina, not Demi. What the heck?"
The Lovely Steph Leann: Yeah, but Demi did it
Me: No, Demi did a version of it. That's Idina Menzel's song.
The Lovely Steph Leann: Yeah, but Sonika is doing Demi's version of the song
Me: Then Seacrest should say that she's doing Demi's version of an Idina song.
The Lovely Steph Leann: It's just like when the Carpenter's did "Ticket to Ride". You don't say they did the Beatles "Ticket to Ride", they did their own version of it.
Me: (Pause): Yeah, but still.
So, I was ever so close to 1000... I mean, like four or five posts away from One.Thousand.Posts. It would be 9 years and some change, from July 2005 to now, averaging slightly over 111 posts per year, about 9 posts per month.
That's not a pat on my back, that's not a "look at me! come see how good I look!", nay, I think its more of a testament to just how much I enjoy writing.
My first post was a countdown to the upcoming trip to New York City, of which this blog was really supposed to represent... I would blog about the trip for the people back home to read daily, and when I got back, that would be that. But between blog post #1 and the trip, I also decided the world needed to know about my fandom of Kelly Clarkson and a Harry Potter/MC Hammer mashup ...
As I flipping through some of the old, old stuff, I came across some stuff that just didn't matter. Some stuff that was like, point updates for the March Madness bracket of 2006. Some random crap that no one would even get except me, and there was one post that I read from 2007 that I didn't even understand... I was thinking "What the heck does this even mean...?"
So, I made a fateful decision... to delete them. I waded through ten pages of blog posts headings, at 100 posts per pages... found the ones that not only I didn't want to read, but that maybe I don't want you to read... and deleted about 35 or so. Just terrible stuff.
It's hard, isn't it? I've deleted a few posts here and there over the years, so honestly, if I counted everything, I'm probably somewhere around 1050 or so, but still... I'd like to think that what's in the archive now counts for something.
I'll have to go through one day and give you my favorites... but not tonight... but this post here is around 961 or 962, somewhere around there, so hopefully 1000 will be here later this year... and soon, #40for40....
(Preface... this was written on Monday and Tuesday of this week. Wednesday, the Lovely Steph Leann was admitted to the hospital for labor pains, essentially, and I didn't get to finish tweaking this for posting. So here I am on the 6th floor of the Brookwood Women's Center, the new one, in a quiet room, and I wanted to finish it up... so here ya go...)
And we continue with our countdown... first, a few reminders--this is a five part Vh1 show, I've already covered Hours 1, 2 and 3 (which you can read here), I've got Hours 4 and 5 coming up below, and just so you know, I'm seeing each song on the countdown for the first time... meaning, I haven't seen the list and know what's coming. I write it as I watch it appear.
Let's keep moving, with the 40th greatest song of the 2000s decade, according to Vh1...
40... "Sugar, We're Goin' Down" by Fall Out Boy (2005)
I cannot tell you for certain that I could name any song by Fall Out Boy... and I keep thinking of "Number One With a Bullet"... wait? That's this song? (the song is playing on the tv and they just got to the "blah blah something merry go round something number one with a bullet")
So this song is not called "Number One With a Bullet"? Its called "Sugar, We're Goin' Down"? Perhaps I should have had my late teens in this decade, and I'd probably know more. Personally, I like "Flagpole Sitta" by Harvey Danger.
Incidentally, one of the guys in this band, Pete Wintz, is the host of this entire countdown show. And he's terrible with a bullet. His hosting career is going down, down... see what I did there? Good one, d$!
39... "Chasing Pavement" by ADELE (2008)
Man this chick can sing. Actually, I didn't discover her until "Rollin' in the Deep", which freakin' rules. And ADELE is amazing, because she has this special quality that not alot of pop stars have nowadays... talent and a good voice.
But though I know what a pavement is, I am unclear as to why you'd need to chase it. It doesn't move much.
38... "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus (2009)
Um...
Maybe you should listen to the song about 114 times, and maybe that's the breaking point. That's the threshold. After that, you like it.
Uh...
Did you know that this song had a resurgence on the charts when Osama bin Laden was killed? To me, that's the final insult... you are this powerful leader for decades, causing fear, death and destruction in your reign, and your death is celebrated by your enemies with a Miley Cyrus song. Ha!
Me? Oh, well, I, uh... I hate this song.
No, I don't know all the words, why would you ask such a foolish question as that? You silly.
Um. No, I don't put my hands up when they are singing my song, and the butterflies fly away (butterfly fly away). Uh, no, I don't have the video. Why would... check my iPod? No, that's private. Why would you want to do that?
I think I just saw Chris Hanson, so let's move on.
37... "Oops!... I Did It Again" by Britney Spears (2000)
"Baby, One More Time..."? Absolutely. "Sometimes"? Heck ya. "You Drive Me Crazy"? Sure, why not?
"Oops!... I Did It Again"? No way. Terrible song. And was a terrible entry in the Christina vs. Britney battle. I mean, who likes crappy, catchy pop junk like this? (why are you scrolling up to re-read #38? Come back)
36... "Bye Bye Bye" by *NSync (2000)
Dude. This song flippin' rules. I ain't even joking.
Get past the boy-band part of it, and JT, Joey, Chris, Kirkpatrick and NancyLancey could own it. And this song was awesome. As a guy, liking the Backstreet Boys was straight-cred destruction. However, liking *NSync was just normal, cause we all like them.
However, my affection for this song may not be so much the song itself but the redux done a few years back by the cover band *NStynk...
35... "Daughters" by John Mayer (2004)
Fathers, be good to your daughters, don't let them near John Mayer.
I like John well enough--I really dig "Gravity", "Clarity", "No Such Thing" and of course, "Your Body Is a Wonderland"--but this song not so much. I think its about ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
34... "All For You" by Janet Jackson (2001)
Yeah! Love me some Janet! At least, Janet before the infamous Wardrobe Malfunction at the Super Bowl. I think she's more of a punchline now, but back in the day, especially back in the 90s, you had "Rhythm Nation" and "Miss You Much" and "Control" and one of my all time favorite songs ever, "Love Will Never Do (without you)"... she's fantastic.
And this song is pretty good too. A little dirty, though, so don't really study the lyrics. Have you ever read the lyrics to "If"? Great song, sounds awesome, and it frustrated me that she sang so fast, I couldn't understand them... so I looked them up. Holy crap. I blushed. I mean, its like, down and freaky. Wow. So now you know.
33... "Hurt" by Johnny Cash (2003)
Wow. So, I feel like cracking wise about this particular song, and Johnny Cash at the time he sang it would be akin to making fun of the opening battle scene of "Saving Private Ryan", or the ending to "Schindler's List" or anything serious and depressing like that. Not that "Hurt" compares historically to those particular times in our nation's history itself, but you get my drift.
So I won't.
But what I will say is this: This song, this video, is a pre-death eulogy. Cash had a successful, but at the same time hard and even horrible, life. He did this song after his wife, June Carter, had passed, and he passed not too long after. The video is crushing. Film clips of a younger him, celebrating, not knowing that some of his life would be so wasted, clips of June Carter and their relationships, so happy yet so stormy and rocky... and the lyrics are so, so moving. This is truly one of the few songs out there that I would classify as "painful" on so many levels, and I don't even have a connection to the song, other than I have a soul and am not dead inside.
Hurricane Rhett would make fun of this entire piece.
32... "This Love" by Maroon 5 (2004)
I really, really wanted to not like this song. I wanted to hate this song, and as a result, hate Maroon 5... but I can't help it. This song is kinda fun, kinda catchy. And Maroon 5's music is actually not bad. It's not revolutionary, but it does stick with you.
Sing it with me... This... love... has... taken its toll on me... she says goodbye too many times before (oh-whoa-oh)... everybody!
And Adam Levine gets some major play... at least in his videos.
31... "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse (2007)
Okay... "Amy shoulda gone to Rehab! Ha!" There, I said it. Oh, and, "We tried to make her to go to rehab, and she said No! No! No!" See what I did there? I kill me.
30... "Hollaback Girl" by Gwen Stefani (2005)
Fine. I'll admit it. I love the dang fool out of this song. Its addicting, Gwen is awesome, its stupid, its catchy, its poppy, its ridiculous and it forever changing our mental processes when it comes to fruit.
What with the number one song be, Gwen? Ah! You are keeping
yourself from blurting out the answer! Good job, girly!
Much like any mention of a chick named Stacy, you'll think about how going on her mom has it, a mention many times of a banana will elicit this thought: Its bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!
Were I a chick, a cheerleader, gay or all three, this might be my anthem. I frikkin' love this song.
Still unclear as to what a "Hollaback" girl is, and what makes one "hollaback". Not sure.
29... "Best of You" by The Foo Fighters (2005)
I guess while I was making time with Gwen and hollering back, I missed this entirely, because I've never even heard this song, like ever in my life.
Don't get me wrong, I dig the Foo Fighters, and "Learn to Fly" is in my Top 100 all time, I think Dave Grohl is awesome, and hearing a snippet of this song, I like it too... but I've never heard it. Maybe I should have listened to 107.7 the X more often.
28... "Music" by Madonna (2000)
This song sucks. So does Madonna any time after 1998.
That is all.
27... "Yeah!" by Usher, feat. Lil Jon and Ludacris (2004)
Another ridiculous, stupid, moronic song with no redeeming value that I just simply love and sometimes will blast out of the Red Robin, making sure my speaker colored thumping lights are thumping like a twitchy ninja, when it comes on.
YEEAAAHH!! OOOHKAAYYYY!!!
Kick that, rewind it back, Lil Jon, Luda and Ur-shure got the beat
that make yo' booty go boom!
Gotta tell ya, Usher... underrated talent. I know, I know, he's sold a bajillion records, though like Nickleback CDs, I don't know anyone that owns one... but Usher doesn't get a ton of mentions when discussing great voices. He's good. He's really good.
Then you toss in the stupid stoopid Lil Jon, who says, "The chorus of this was easy. You just say Yeah... then Yeah... then Yeah... and Yeah again. We kind of ad-libbed it." And finally, Ludacris in a cleaner form, at least in his lyrics, and you've got a legendary dance hit.
26... "Seven Nation Army" by The White Stripes (2003)
Yes, I have heard of them. I just feel like I'm not hipster enough to like The White Stripes. She & Him, sure. Ingrid Michelson, yep. The White Stripes? I've not only not heard this song, I've never heard OF this song.
25... "Hot In Herre" by Nelly (2002)
This made me laugh loud. Serriously. I've trried to tell my darrling wife, "hey, its getting hot in herre, so take off all yourr clothes", and in the real worrld, it doesn't worrk. Sorrry.
Let's be rreal herre... I didn't go to a ton of parrties in college, and even less in high school, so I'm not what you'd call, "A Parrty Going Experrt", but I can tell you this from my limited experrience... Chicks that tell you "I am gettin' so hot I'm gonna take my clothes off" are few and farr between. But when you do stumble acrross such a chick, you might be tempted to think, "Awesome!", and perrhaps at 19, I would have thought that. Howeverr, I'm old enough to know now that if such a statement is spoken by said chick, its a good bet she has done this beforre, lest you think you arre the test case for this scenarrio. And in thinking she's prrobably done this beforre, its not a long leap to assume she prrobably has an STD. And although chicks with venerreal diseases arre still people too, that would be someone you want to be fully clothed. I'm just sayin'.
24... "Get Ur Freak On" by Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliott (2001)
As much as a I hate this song, its a good reminder that I am a total music hypocrite, and even snob. As much as I dig on "When the taxi man turned on the radio and a Jay-Z song was on... a Jay-Z song was on... a Jay-Z song was on!" and goofy lyrics as such, sometimes the lyrics are just too stupid for even me. And when they are forced together to make a rap, its bad.
Like this song. Man, do I hate this song. I hate everything about it. I hate that beat. I hate that she hocks a loogie in the middle of it. I hate that in the video, she spits in a man's mouth... "In yo' face... open yo' mouth, get you a tays..." I hate the fact it uses "Ur" for "Your". I hate the video. I hate the fact I heard this song 3813 times in 2001.
Let's move on before I throw this nearby Katy Perry CD through the window. I wish I were kidding.
23... "Get the Party Started" by P!nk (2001)
I can't say I hate this song. I really can't say I like it, either. I actually could just take it or leave it. I'm not sure that apathy is what P!nk was going for.
However, I am considering changing my name to dav!d. Its a thought.
22... "Fallin'" by Alicia Keys
Okay, I have several things to say about this song, but first, I must tell you that I do really like this song. It think its a career-defining masterpiece. And I did use the word "Masterpiece" because that's how its performed.
However comma
Have you ever heard the expression "Could sing the phone book and still sound amazing"? That's what this song reminds me of. Allow me to put on my lyrical snobbery hat again, and just tell you, I'm bothered by how simple some of the lyrics are. "Sometimes I love you, sometimes you make me feel blue"? Really? "I never felt this way. How do you give me so pleasure, and cause me so much pain"? Each verse is only, like, two lines! Am I being overly dramatic in wanting a little deeper meaning in my lyrics?
No matter... Keys is amazing in this tune. You know what, forget I said all that. I love this song.
21... "99 Problems" by Jay-Z (2003)
If you having girl problems, I feel bad for you soon, I got 99 problems but a (crude term for someone of the female persuasion) ain't one...
How is this okay? Isn't this song a little misogynistic? Am I being overly critical here?
20... "Toxic" by Britney Spears (2003)
Ugh.
Really? Really? 10,000 songs in a decade and this is the 20th best of all? Seriously?
19... "Bootylicious" by Destiny's Child (2001)
Sigh.
And they just keep getting better, don't they? Okay, so this song is fun, and by far better than "Toxic" will ever be, and for the record, I pick Kelly Rowland over Beyonce any day, but I can't put this in my own personal Top 20. Or 50. Or 100. "I don't think you ready for this jelly..." is a fun line, though.
By the way, because of this song, the term "Bootylicious" was added to the dictionary. This is why the terrorists hate us.
18... "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera (2002)
Two things:
First... it is a good song. Yes, we've heard it a thousand times, and in 2002, that was per day, but when it comes down to it, it really is a great tune.
Second... I'm happy she beat out "Toxic". Unlike Britney, Christina has a great non-studio produced voice. Love it.
(sidebar... I'm reviewing this part of the list with The Lovely Steph Leann, getting any feedback, and with Maroon 5, she simply said, "Oh, I like that song"... but with this one, the floodgates freakin' opened... "Oh my gosh, I hate that Aguilera song! I hate it! Hate it!" She then proceeds to sing it in a horrible mocking screeching tone, accenting the word "beautiful" in a terrible pitch. She then ends her tirade by saying, "Hate it." Don't hold back, Steph, tell me how you feel.)
17... "Clocks" by Coldplay (2002)
Who doesn't like this song? Seriously? And if they do a 100 Greatest Songs Intros of Like, Ever, you'd have to see this song up there somewhere.
But let's be clear--I, you, maybe even them, have no idea what this song even means.
16... "Single Ladies (put a ring on it)" by Beyonce (2008)
All the single ladies! All the single ladies!
All the single ladies! All the single ladies!
All the single ladies! All the single ladies!
All the single ladies! All the single ladies!
All the single ladies! All the single ladies!
All the single ladies! All the single ladies!
All the single ladies! All the single ladies!
All the single ladies! All the single ladies!
All the single ladies! All the single ladies!
All the single ladies! All the single ladies!
All the single ladies! All the single ladies!
All the single ladies! All the single ladies!
All the single ladies! All the single ladies!
All the single ladies! All the single ladies!
All the single ladies! All the single ladies!
All the single ladies! All the single ladies!
All the single ladies! All the single ladies!
All the single ladies! All the single ladies!
(is it in your head yet? yes? mission accomplished)
Excuse me Taylor, Imma letcha finish... but Beyonce had one ada greatest videos of all time!
(and yes, I do like this song. its fun. even the lovely steph leann likes it)
15... "Beautiful Day" by U2
Dear Bono,
That's enough. You've had your run, and its been a great one. U2 is one of the biggest bands in the history of the world, and we all know it. Your music will live forever, and transcends generations. Your album "The Joshua Tree" is immaculate. Songs like "With or Without You" and "Streets Have No Name" and "New Years Day" and even later stuff, lesser known stuff like "Mysterious Ways", is music I am excited to let Campbell Isaiah and/or Lorelei Addison experience. [which we now know as Campbell Isaiah only]
But Bono, its 2011. Apparently you put an album out recently, and no one even knew about it. Its time to step away. Its time for you to free up more time for Darfur or the rain forests or Ensley or whatever, and allow Larry Mullen and Adam Clayton time to do more music for Mission Impossible movies, and to say, "Hey, The Edge, its time for us to part." Let it go, Bono. Its time
Signed,
d$
Not sure if this is a performance of "Crazy", and I'm
not sure if that is Danger Mouse in the trooper outfit,
but either way, the picture is cool.
14..."Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley
Holy crap this song is awesome. Like, every beat, every second, every minute detail, every word of this song rulz to the maximum allowance of ruling. "Crazy" is fan-flippin-tastic.
Were I to give my own 2000s list, its easy to put this Top 25, maybe even Top 15. Cee-Lo Green has this unusual, cool as grits voice, and Danger Mouse is just cool for having the nickname Danger Mouse.
13... "American Idiot" by Green Day (2004)
I knew this song would come up, and I was dreading it, mostly because I hate it when I throw up in my mouth. And I just did.
These are the same guys that had an album called "Dookie", and sang about going to a shrink and being told that lack of sex will bring you down. Yes, people can, and do, change. I get that. But really, BJ Armstrong, can you just sing your fun songs and quit telling me that liberals are awesome and conservatives suck?
Sorry... just threw up in my mouth again.
12... "I Gotta Feeling" by The Black Eyed Peas (2009)
The first time I ever heard this song, all I could think of, "This is going to be a party anthem and/or a sports anthem and/or a celebration anthem for ages to come." When B-list celebrities in 1981 were sitting around and discussing the best songs of the decade just completed, I'm sure that someone was saying about "Rock and Roll Part 1" by Gary Glitter the same things they are saying about "I Gotta Feeling"... "Party song..." and "This song is the ultimate going-out song" and "I gotta feeling..." and such.
Personally, I'm a little flabbergasted that "My Humps" hasn't shown up yet... however, we have 11 more to go...
11... "Umbrella" by Rihanna feat. Jay-Z
My main issue with Rihanna? How her name is spelled. When I hear her name, I automatically think Fleetwood Mac's classic "Rhiannon", which was an outside consideration for my kid's name (thought I never shared it with The Lovely Steph Leann. Probably a good thing.)
She's very talented, though through no fault of her own, its a little disconcerting that all of her songs keep breaking all sorts of sales and chart records, and I'm bothered by this. Why should Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You" fall to whatever getting-it-on tune Rihanna is blathering out?
That said, this is an addicting song. You know, Umbrella-ella-ella-ella-ella-ella-ella-ella-ella-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-ella-ella-ella-ella-ella-ella-ella-ella-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-ella-ella-ella-ella-ella-ella-ella-ella-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey...
If this doesn't get stuck in your head, I have this to say:
All the single ladies! All the single ladies! All the single ladies! All the single ladies!
Your welcome.
AND NOW, Vh1's TOP TEN OF the 2000s...
10... "In Da Club" by 50 Cent (2003)
Really? Like, really?
9... "We Belong Together" by Post-Skank Mariah Carey (2005)
I have often referenced my inclination to Pre-Skank Mariah and how awesome she was over Post-Skank Mariah, so I won't go into it.. but I will say that everything after 1997's "Butterfly" album is pure skank. Notably, the song "Honey" is where it all took a turn for the ho.
This song brought her back around again for me. While not my favorite Mariah (that's a tie between "Vision of Love", "Dreamlover" and "Always Be My Baby"... or maybe "Fantasy"), its vintage. Its a throwback, yet just hip enough to be in the 2000s. Ah, pre-skank Mariah, may we see you again soon.
8... "Empire State of Mind" by Jay-Z feat. Alicia Keys (2009)
This is a quite a love letter to a city... a New York City Anthem, and I'm not sure why the city itself hasn't adopted it as its City Anthem.
And Alicia Keys is awesome, as always. I can listen to this song over and over and over, and have. Great, great song.
7... "Sexyback" by Justin Timberlake (2006)
Oh no he di'nt! Oh no he di'nt! This song is my jam, y'all, MY Jam!
Okay, not really... but I can see a few of these songs listed on this countdown not necessarily for their artistic merit, but more for their importance, and this song was a monster. Timberlake had broken free from *NSync, and was on his way to superstardom, had some huge hits, and then a few years later, released "Future.Love.Sex.Sounds", and this was the lead-off single. And a catch phrase was born.
Its not even so much that "Sexyback" is cool, it is more that Justin Timberlake singing this is cool. And how many people do you know have used the term "I'm bringing sexy back..."
6... "Gold Digger" by Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx (2005)
Dude. This song. Like, this song. Can't help it. For all the punk that Kanye is and can be, this song is fantastic.
Here's the scene... 2005 Video Music Awards.. I was watching (don't ask me why) and out of the floor of the stage rises one Kanye West and one Jamie Foxx, looking all cool and sleek, posed and frozen. Suddenly, Jamie starts into a "She takes my money... when I'm in need..." then the beat kicks in, and I watch one of the coolest live performances I've ever, ever seen. And its this song.
I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger... she ain't messin' with no broke (broke)
Do me a favor... holla "We want pre-nupt!" (we want pre-nupt!)
I love love love this song
5... "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson (2004)
Everyone likes this song. Some people love it, some only like it a little, but to some degree, everyone likes this song. How can you not? Its infectious like the basement of the CDC...
The Lovely Steph Leann has joined the room for the Top Ten, and she's over on the couch bobbing her head, watching with total interest. And when this song comes on the radio, I sing along. And so do you. Kelly might never have been better before or since... though I do enjoy "Behind These Hazel Eyes". Love me some Kelly Clarkson.
4... "Lose Yourself" by Eminem (2002)
We've now hit the first song on this entire countdown that I could make an argument for being the #1 song of the decade. This song... amazing. And he even won a stinkin' Oscar for it.
Now, my favorite Eminem song is quite simply "Without Me", a totally hilarious, yet quite incredible rhyme... but "Lose Yourself" might be his actual best work. I saw "8 Mile" not too long ago, and its not that bad.
And when Em sings, you believe it. He's blowing the mic away, he's jamming, he's just rapping and singing with so much ferocity, and you really get into it. And if you knew the words, you'd sing along, though you probably don't know the words.
3... "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga (2008)
Sigh.
I have come to accept that Gaga is here to stay. Perhaps in 1982, fuddy duddies like me were saying the same thing about that new Madonna chick that just came up on the scene... and now, here's Lady Gaga.
Okay, she's got a great voice. And "Bad Romance"? I'm a sucker for it. And yes, this song is pretty good. It's catchy. But #3? Really?
2... "Hey Ya!" by Outkast (2003)
Now... if I had to list a "Greatest Songs of the 2000s" and "My Favorite Songs of the 2000s", this song would be #1 on the former list, #2 on the latter list. "Hey Ya!" is one of the best songs ever performed, crossing all genres of awesome. Even The Lovely Steph Leann likes it, and she don't go for the blasted rappin' crappin music! She says, "Its not rap, its pop. I like pop."
The video? Best of the 2000s, in my Top Five All Time. There are EIGHT different Andre 3000s on the stage, and he even manages to slip in a few scandalous lines towards the end (don't read the lyrics if you don't want to know, though its nothing too terrible) but the song is so fun, you don't even notice.
It shows a Beatle-type frenzied performance by the band Andre 3000 and The Love Below, consisting of eight members: Possum Jenkins on bass... Johnny Vulture on guitar (yes ladies, he's still single)... Benjamin Andre (on keyboard)... Dookie on drums... Andre (ice cold) 3000 on lead vocals... and, of course, The Love Haters on backup vocals. And all are played by Andre 3000 himself.
And yes, the song asks you to shake it (you can determine what "it" is) like a Polaroid Picture, and Polaroid had to come out with a statement that said, "Hey ya, you used to coulda shaken our pics, but don't do it anymore, you don't have to."
I love this song, man. I really do.
And finally...
1... "Crazy in Love" by Beyonce feat. Jay-Z (2003)
This song? Beyonce singing along with her babydaddy?
Uh-oh uh-oh uh-oh
No no no
I'm conflicted... while I don't think it should have been the top song of the entire decade, I can't make much of an argument against it--heck, I sing this song sometimes at work.
As Vh1 shows clips from the video, I can only surmise one observation... well, two. First, she jiggles alot. And honestly, I'm not sure I'm ready for that jelly. Secondly, there must have been a heckuva lot of double-sided tape used in those particular outfits.
Great song. Great choice.
And there you go. The Top 100 Songs of the 2000s... agree, disagree, its not my list, its Vh1. What's my list? That's a great question... perhaps soon...
Its a yearly tradition to have a theme where our 10-12 Idol contestants (the tradition tends to rear its lyrical head early in the Finals shows) sing songs from the years of their birth. Its been interesting to note that, while watching American Idol over these some odd 9 years or so (we neglected to watch Kelly Clarkson's win in the first season), the "year of birth" has been getting later and later. That is to say that early on, Songs From your Birth Year featured stuff from you know, 1979, 1982 or maybe for those really young, 1986...
Now? Songs from 1979 wouldn't qualify because it would put the Idol contestant at 31 or so, about 3 years over the age limit. Tonight? We have a song from 1995 make our auditions. Nineteen. Ninety. Five. That's a full two years after I graduated high school, and depending on exactly when the song was released, it would have found me as a sophomore or junior at Troy State University (Go Trojans!)
Because of a project I'm working on on Wednesday nights now--details coming soon--my Idol recap shows will mostly appear on Thursdays now, and I'll stick the results on the tail end of it. All that said...
THIS
IS AMERICAN IDOL
Ah, its a beautiful day here at The Cabana... the Plantation Shutters are opened, the door shutters are wide open, the sunlight is pouring in, and the television is adjusted just ever so slightly so the glare is minimal! Seacrusty reminds us that last week, ProActiv Spokeschick Ashthon Jones was given her walking papers, so Week Two of The Finals begins now.
Songs from your birth year, and this will give us people in our mid-30s a great indication of how old we exactly are...
And tonight, we begin in 1984, with Naboo Agrabahao, and videos of her parents show us that even they are wearing traditional African garb, complete with head wrap. Tonight, Naboo is taking on Tina Turner's "What's Love Got to Do With It", which at the time, when I was 9, I thought the song was kinda dumb. Years, decades later, my tastes a little more appreciative and refined, the song is quite a masterpiece.
Tell you what, though.. I wouldn't use the word "master" to describe the "piece" that Naboo's song is tonight. Its terrible, and I don't say that only because I'm not a fan... it sounds awful. Like, she would sound better if she were reading it with style.. awful.
Crazy Creepy Uncle Stevie calls it... beautiful? What? What? J-Lo builds her up first, but tells her that she's pitchy--even drawing some boos from the audience. Randy the Dawg says the same thing.
Thankfully, though, this might be what gets her kicked off the show. Unless the judges save her. A-freakin'-gin.
Next, back to 1984 again, Idol's version of Bradley Cooper, Pauly Mac, is singing Sir Elton John's "I Guess Thats Why They Call It the Blues", and this should be interesting. I love this guy's voice, but it just doesn't fit this song. Wasn't there a Rod Stewart song in 1984 that he could have taken on? Maybe "Some Guys Have All The Luck" or "Infatuation"? Just a thought. Truly, though, he does sound good, revealing that he does have a sinus thing going on.
J-Lo says, "I feel you... you sounded good!". Randy the Dawg doesn't give him a pass because Pauly Mac "because you have a cold, because singers have to deal with that.." but compares him to Ray LaMontigue, which is not bad. Cool Uncle Steven Tyler says, "Your a cool dude in a loose mood..."
And now, 1995... Thiamegia was born. Like, if I had started early, I could have been her dad. In 1995, I think I was with Julie Haynes. That's funny...
Where was I? Okay, she's singing another ballad? Really? "Colors of the Wind", from Pocohontas, the Vanessa Williams version... not only do I not like the original, I don't like that movie, and its my least favorite Vanessa Williams song by a mile. I dig Vanessa, but give me "Save the Best for Last" or the funky "Running Back to You", but not this one.
I just fast forwarded through it. I'm sure she was fine. Randy the Dawg said it was just "okay". And he says it was boring, and to stop singing ballads. Uncle Stevie says it was good, but wonders if that's who Thiamegia thinks she is. J-Lo says to work on her vibratto. Whatever. It was crap.
Let's take it back to the late 80s now with The Straight Adam Lambert. His birth year? 1989. I was in 9th grade, maybe 10th, and the biggest band dork ever. Ever. And watching his video interviews, I can see his Asberger's or Tourette's coming out--his eyes twitch repeatedly. Like he's squinting in the sun, but he's doing it over and over.
"I'll Be There For You" by Bon Jovi is the song, and I hate that I didn't get to see this with The Lovely Steph Leann, because she might have been a puddle on the floor. She LOVES her some Bon Jovi, and truly, this song was the favorite song of every chick I knew in 1989--from my classmate Tonya Windham to the hot senior Sandy Wright--Bon Jovi was the love of anyone and everyone who was the female gender. And even some male genders (I was going to toss a name in here, but I'll refrain, James Rodgers. Oh come on, we were all wondering.)
As for The Straight Adam Lambert, not bad. Not great, but not bad. The song itself is what, 34 minutes long, with 11 minutes of guitar intro, so I guess its hard to pick up a good 90 seconds to go with. Uncle Steven Tyler says, "What? 1989? I have sandwiches under my bed older than you! Don't get too poppy on me!" And The Straight Adam Lambert smiles back, "I'm saving Aerosmith for the Finale!" That's awesome.
1989 was a good year for Aerosmith too, with the album "Pump" still going strong, with "Janie's Got a Gun", "Love in an Elevator" (which I'd be shocked to hear on Idol, because that song is so not Emmy Turnbow safe) and the rock on, broken hearted balled "What It Takes", that I still know every word to by heart.
J-Lo thought he was great, as did Randy the Dawg. I concur.
Seacrusty asks a loaded question... "What Whitney song will Haley Reinhart perform?" Wow, Haley.. taking on 1990 Whitney Houston. She's singing one of my three favorite Whitney songs, "I'm Your Baby Tonight". I mean, this song is funky and cool and awesome and rockin and soulful and so on... so Haley, tread lightly. This is WHITNEY. Pre-crack Whitney, which means awesome Whitney.
Okay, so Haley isn't...
Well, she's not...
Okay, so she's singing okay, good enough I guess, but she's...
...um...
Fine. She's not black enough. There, I said it. This isn't a racial statement, but to sing this type of Whitney song, you have to have soul. Haley has a lot going for her, great smile and great voice, but soul? No. None.
J-Lo starts the feedback, and I know its going to be bad.. "Hey... you look beautiful tonight..." She beats around the bush in telling Haley that this was not the song for her. Seacrusty comes out and helps her wipe a little stray lipstick off of Haley's chick. How random is this?
------------------------------
So, I would love to continue the reviews and the witty banter, giving you the full report, but unfortunately, here's what just happened... I finished Idol and the post... I was working on links, pictures and a video, and while I was jamming to said video, I noticed it stopped halfway through. Lost connection. Now, sometimes this does happen... but here, at The Cabana, its happened more and more. I've been around and around with AT&T already, and they sent someone out here today to replace our cheap, piece of crap modem with a wireless one.. and it worked. While the computer was sitting by the modem, while the guy was here. Sort of like taking your car into the shop--the noises stop when Joe Goodyear is looking at it, right?
So, I get this page that says, "Your internet connection has been broken"... and then ten seconds later, it says "Hey, we fixed it! Just close your browser and you'll be up and running on the interweb, pancho!" So, naturally, because I'm an idiot who doesn't think--ask The Lovely Steph Leann, ask any of The Deuce Guys, ask Melanie--I just closed it and re-opened it, expecting to find what had been saved to be there.
Of course, it wasn't. So, you will not get to read my whole thoughts on Peepee Tuscany, Stefano Italiano, Deep Voiced Scotty, America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina, The Soulful Jacob Lusk, Casey A, K-Rod, nor will you get to read the lead-up to me saying, "If I were a lesbian, this would be my anthem." So, I'll just do what I did last week, give you the quick one line to those that my reporting didn't save.
Peepee Tuscany... Favorite of the night. Brilliant Whitney. Safe
Stefano Italiano... This kid is growing on me, and he sounded great. Safe
America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina... She did well, but nothing flashy. Safe.
The Soulful Jacob Lusk... Judges loved him, but I thought he was terrible. Safe tonight, though.
Casey A... I've heard him better, but his risky take on Nirvana was old. Safe.
K-Rod. Horrid. Horrid. In danger.
Deep Voiced Scotty... He did his thing, and he did it well. Safe.
Also safe is The Straight Adam Lambert... I think Pauly Mac and Thiamegia are borderline, and Neoxmia Agrahbah and, unfortunately Haley, are in danger.
Results tonight!
Whatev! Results NOW!!!
The good thing about Idol Results shows is that I can fast forward, alot. Tonight, we won't hear musical performances from The Black Eyed Peas and Lee DeWyze, and we won't see a new Ford music video, and we won't see a group performance... we will see 12 people squirm in their seats until the Couch of Anxiety becomes the Couch of Safety, and we'll see 3 people head to the Silver Stools of Failure. And one goes home. And unless is Niagra Fallsagogo, the judges won't save 'em.
THIS IS AMERICAN
IDOL RESULTS!!
Seacrusty follows Randy the Dawg, Crazy Creepy Uncle Stevie and Jennifer Lopez out, and its another exciting show!
We do get an update on the American Red Cross drive from last night... if you text REDCROSS to 90999, it will send $10 for Japan relief. Say what you want about Idol, they do alot of compassionate work for our world. Go Idol.
Aaaaand.... I just cut out about 10 minutes of show by fast forwarding through the Group Song, the commercials and the Ford Video. I love the power of DVR. Seacrusty instructs everyone to look under their seats in the audience, and the audience each finds a copy of the 10th Anniversary Idol Compilation, the best from the last 10 years of Idol.
Cute little video montage of the Idols discussing their talents, their pets, their accents, their desires to learn foriegn languages, and Thiamegia takes a fun shot at America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina's twang.
Back to the stage, Seacrusty says, "Dim the lights", and an Irish song comes on, the stage goes green, and apparently, that wasn't supposed to happen, cause Seacrusty makes a joke about the stage director tossin' back the brew, and then calls for the "Tension... dim the lights please."
Up first, Casey A, The Soulful Jacob Lusk and America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina go to the center of the stage. I would imagine they will all be sitting on the Couch of Safety in a few seconds. Smart, though, go ahead and get the front runners out of the way. Seacrusty tells The Soulful Jacob Lusk he is safe.
Now, America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina, and Seacrusty sends her back to The Couch of Safety. And finally, Casey A... and predictably, Seacrusty sends him back to The Couch of Safety.
Seacrusty, you faker! But you didn't fool me this time! I'm on to your tomfoolery!
Now... Haley Reinhart and Pauly Mac... this will be a little harder. I can expect Haley to take a Silver Stool of Failure, though Seacrusty may pull a "you are both in the bottom three!" on us. You know that Seacrusty! Pauly Mac has the whitest teeth I think I've seen on this show, and this kid cannot stop smiling. Great thing, actually.
Seacrusty says one is safe, the other is in the bottom three... and its Haley, like I expected. Pauly Mac will be around next week, as he takes his place on The Couch of Safety, meanwhile Haley forces a grin from the Silver Stools of Failure.
Fast forwarded through two commercial breaks, sandwiched around an American Idol Winner Lee DeWyze performance that I didn't hear at all.
Next is Deep Voiced Scotty, Peepee Tuscany and The Straight Adam Lambert, and I'm guessing Seacrusty will do another all-three-are-safe trickeration.
Deep Voiced Scotty is safe. Peepee Tuscany is safe. And The Straight Adam Lambert, as long as he keeps performing at least decently, doesn't have to worry much until they get down to about 7 or 8. And... he's safe.
Told you! I'm on to your shenanigans, Ryan Seacrusty!
Now... Stefano Italiano and Naimey Aquafina are up. And I predict Stefano Italiano heads to The Couch of Safety, and Nameya heads to The Silver Stools of Failure. Am I right? Yup. (and I typed "yup" as Seacrusty said "After the nationwide vote..." and before he said "Stefano is safe")
Now, K-Rod and Thiamegia. K-Rod, bottom three easily. She was dreadful. And the judges are on crack if they said she was better than last week... she did that Selena song, but her cover of Taylor Dayne probably made Taylor Dayne want to kill herself. Wouldn't shock me if Thiamegia was in the Bottom Three, because her song "Color of the Wind" was sooooo boooorrinnnggg... one is safe, the other is not. After the nationwide vote... Thiamegia is safe.
Do I know this show or do I know this show? I'm wise to your strategery, Seacrusty. The Bottom Three, Haley, Neoxmea and K-Rod...
I fast forwarded through the commercials and was going to go through The Black Eyed Peas, but caught sight of Fergie in her white dress... okay, she fascinates me. She's sexy, yet borderline skanky.
Alright, enough of that. Fast forward through the song, and commercials.
Seacrusty is going to send one of the Bottom Three to the Couch of Safety... and that person is... Noxema. Curse it all! We can't get rid of her! She's like acne that just won't stinkin' go away! Well, let's get rid of K-Rod at least... Seacrusty says, "The person in danger of leaving us tonight is... K-Rod."
Now, Seacrusty might as well have said, "Since neither one of you are named Naimey or Casey A, the person who WILL leave us tonight, because the judges aren't going to save either of you, is..."
With tears in her eyes, she sings Mariah's "Hero" (which I fast forwarded through), and the judges deliberate to tell her no. Randy the Dawg tells her its not unanimous, but they aren't going to use the save on K-Rod.
Sitting with Amarylis By Morning (up from san antone), Hurricane Rhett, JustFish and his wifey wife KellFish, the reviews are in... Idol... is pretty good. Okay, JustFish and KellFish didn't really give an opinion, but Amarylis By Morning (up from san antone) and Hurricane Rhett are digging it. And so is The Lovely Steph Leann and so am I.
Tonight, its the third episode of Idol 2.0, with Steven Tyler, J-Lo and Randy the Dawg, and we open up with Steven and Randy doing a little freelance version of "Sweet Emotion", one of my favorite Aerosmith songs. No joke, its a great driving song.
We're coming from Milwaukee, WI, the home of The Widower Danny Gokey... and in fact, we see The Goke himself talking to some of the crowd.
THIS IS
AMERICAN IDOL!!!!!!
Scotty from Garner, NC, is up first. He's clean cut, he's dressed to the nines, and he's 16. If Paula Abdul was here, her room keys would be thrown at Scotty's feet. "Your Man" by Josh Turner is his song... and I'm glad he's singing this song, because that's one of those songs that I keep hearing, but didn't know who sang it. I'm going to download it right now.
The Lovely Steph Leann looks up at me, and says, "He's so smooth...."
At the judges request, Scotty from Garner sings "Put Some Drive in Your Country" by Travis Tritt, which makes Steven Tyler say something about getting something, get the matches, &#*$ a duck and see what hatches. What the?
Scotty from Garner heads to Hollywood.
The Lovely Steph Leann looks up at me from under her blanket and says, "I'd listen to him on the radio..."
I just down loaded "Your Man" by Josh Turner.
Joe Repka comes up... and sometimes you can just tell this is going to be a disaster. He's kinda tall, he's kinda frumpy, he's got a fat head, he's got a bad 'stache, he's dressed horribly... this is going to a train wreck of heavy duty proportions. Seacrusty just talks to him like Joe actually has a chance.
And the judges know this is going to be bad too. He says he is 19, but he could pass for 31. And when he says he's going to sing "The Longest Time" by Billy Joel, both The Lovely Steph Leann and I groan. And when he actually starts singing, she grimaces, I giggle, Steven Tyler sways and J-Lo hangs her head.
Steven Tyler says, "Do not quit your day job. Brutally honest." The others agree. And Joe jumps into the classic Idol mistake of, "They hated my first song, so I'll sing something without being prompted so they will hear me sing beautifully..." and in all my years of watching Idol, I have never seen this work.
From the previous commercial break, we see a chick saying something original like, "This is my dream", while crying. Well, now we see her and her family in an SUV, and she tells us how she was 5 when Kelly Clarkson won the first Idol (The Lovely Steph Leann whimpers, "We are so old"), and how they came from Colorado, and drove 16 hours to Milwaukee.
Emma Henry, 15, is singing "True Colors" from Cyndi Lauper... personally its one of my least favorite songs ever, but she's not doing as badly as I thought she would. Steven Tyler says he likes her character, J-Lo says she needs to keep working on her quality, and Randy the Dawg says he's not sure that she is ready. J-Lo says no, and she needs to work on it. Steven Tyler says yes.
"I want this so badly, music is my life..." she starts crying, cue the sad music. Randy the Dawg says she's going to be swallowed up in this whole process. She whimpers, and says, "I'm going to work so hard!" Randy the Dawg relents, and Emma Henry shouts for joy as she gets her golden ticket.
My own opinion? She's got talent, and she's pretty good... but she needs to be trained up. She needs more work, and I think she'll be pheeeeenomonal. The Lovely Steph Leann agrees.
Trailer for "The Roommate" comes on. The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up, "I've seen that movie!" When I look at her, bewildered she's seen a movie that hasn't been released yet, she says, "Yeah, I've seen it. Its called 'Single White Female' with Jennifer Jason Leigh!"
And we're back, with a quick montage of people who think they can sing, but cannot sing. ATTENTION IDOLOONIES... DO NOT AUDITION WITH LADY GAGA. DOESN'T MATTER THE SONG, DON'T AUDITION WITH LADY GAGA'S MUSIC. BAD, BAD, BAAAAA IDEA. Thanks.
And now, we hear about SummerFest, a huge music festival in Milwaukee, and we meet Aduba Malukaahaa, or whatever her name is, who works ground crew at SummerFest. And Idol will change her life. Sometimes she cries because her music means so much to her. Her words, not mine.
So Naiuma Arkardapoo is going to sing Donnie Hathaway, and shockingly... she's not bad. Actually, she's pretty good. Here I was all set to make fun of Noxema Alahyoudaoo, and here she goes and does her thing right. And she goes to Hollywood with three yes votes.
I look forward to not being able to spell, type or pronounce Nobooboo Arachanidco's name in the future.
Back from break! We see a somersaulting contestant somersault straight into a cameraman and it was awesome. Here's the montage of bad songs... including a "Jenny from the Block" take.
Jerome Bell, a bar-mitzvah singer, is singing "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye. He brings it loud, a little over the top. I'd like to think of Song of Solomon had a soundtrack, this song would be it. Yay God.
The judges dig Jerome's groove, and he's headed to Hollywood.
The Lovely Steph Leann: I'd like one single year without that song being used in an audition.
Me: I haven't heard any Mariah or Whitney so far
The Lovely Steph Leann: I'm okay with that too. But no more "Let's Get It On".
Seacrusty discusses the age limit being dropped to 15, partly due to the popularity of 9 year old Justin Bieber. Thia Megea is 15, one of the many 15 year olds who have auditioned.
"Chasing Paper" by Adele is her song. And she's fantastic. She sounds like she's 29 years old, and a veteran. And she kinda sounds like a sista, too, though her look is more Hawaiia'n.... and they all say yes, so Thia is headed to Hollywood.
And every 15 year old that came in walked out with a Golden Ticket. Steven Tyler says, "Thank God for people who can sing..." And we see the teaser for the bad, bad singers to come.
Back from break, we see a guy named Nathaniel who is a Civil War Re-Enactor. Was the Civil War in Wisconsin? Was that a state in the 1860s? No, I'm being serious.... that's a real question... Nate is in full Civil War regalia, and his dad is joining him, looking totally like a hippy. Nate tells us, however, that dad is not a hippy.. "He's not a hippy! Hippies have sex!"
When Nate walks in, J-Lo mutters, "oh no..." And she was right for saying that... because "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is being slaughtered with a Civil War musket. And the judges mock him, though Steven Tyler does it a little more discreetly.
This next guy can barely start, he's so nervous, and he ends up facing the other wall, composing himself. He should have just walked out. Yikes. Neither me or the woman knows the song, but it doesn't matter, because it was gawd-awful.
The next girl? "I am an intern at the White House and I'm in love with this president." I now don't like this chick and will root against her completely. She went to Harvard, so she is probably extremely book smart... but seriously? In love with the President? "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay" is her song of choice, and she's not as bad as I want her to be. Molly Swenson is her name, by the way. Or I'll just call her The Idealistic Ignorant Molly. She goes to Hollywood.
After the break, its Day Two!
Back from break, its Day Two!
The bubbly, pretty, toothy Haley Reinhart comes in, telling us this is everything she wants. She auditioned last year, and didn't make it, so now she's back. "Oh Darling" is her song, and I guess she got better, because she sounds great. Steven Tyler loves her. J-Lo loves her. Randy the Dawg loves her. Haley is Hollywood!
And from Chicago, its Tiwan! He's busting out some Sam Cooke, and The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up, "I like him. He needs braces. But I do like him." He sounds good. They all like him, and Tiwan and his Elliott Yamean teeth head to Hollywood.
"It looks like his mouth needs, you know, three more teeth to fill in the spaces," The Lovely Steph Leann adds in.
Steve is a CPA, and is an auditor... "So I really don't have many friends," he says. He adds, "I'm a wedding and funeral singer... weddings tend to be more fun." And he has the humor of an auditor. His voice is not great, but its not bad. Both The Lovely Steph Leann and I are going back and forth on whether we like him or not...
Steven Tyler likes him. Randy the Dawg says yes. J-Lo says yes. And Steve the auditor goes to Hollywood.
And here comes the girl from the teaser, when Seacrusty said, "And the judges have a showdown..." Vernika is singing "Loving You" by Minnie Riperton, and "singing" is a stretch. I just looked around and the glass on the front door of The Cabana just cracked.
J-Lo tells her no, and how its not going to work. Steven Tyler says she won't work for this show. Vernika declares that "half'a dese peoples don't even sing good, I sing better than then half'a dese people. Its cause I ain't skinny." And she walks out, straight past Seacrest and the camera.
We get a few crying chicks, including a few choice words by some, a mama who is protective of her kid (who she then tells to shut up), and a dude who drops his own words.
Back from break, we get Albert Rogers III, who thinks he sounds like Usher, Ruuuuuben Studdard and Luther Vandross. He's going to sing "Stand By Me", and J-Lo starts to giggle. She knows what's coming. And its a disaster. Albert Part III is trying way, way too hard... and he gets a no from the judges.
Scott Dangerfield comes out, a 22 year old student teacher in shorts, a long sleeve button and square glasses. He's going to sing "Dreamin'" by Amos Lee. And right out'ta gate, Scott throws down and does it right. J-Lo says, "You might just be my favorite so far." All the judges say YES enthusiastically. The Lovely Steph Leann says, "I wasn't expecting that... and he kinda has a Jodie Foster look about him."
Back from Break!
And now we see one of the Green Bay Packers biggest fans ever. Or so she says. She loves the Green-n-Gold... her name is Megan Frasier, 20, and yells "Go Pack Go!" to the judges. She's going to sing "Baby" by The Beebs, and its atrocious. The judges all yell, "NO!" at the same time.
Alyson Jados is shown in tears when Steven Tyler came through the crowd early in the day. And now, she goes to meet the judges, Steven Tyler included, who gives her a giggly-inducing hug. She's going to sing "Come Together" and gives it that rocker edge, sort of a Allison Iraheta tone.
She continues with "Dream On", though she admits she can't hit that last note, which Steven Tyler fills in. He then tells her she's very pitchy, J-Lo tells her she's got a good quality, and Randy the Dawg says he doesn't think she's ready. J-Lo says yes. Now, its up to Steven Tyler to determine a yes or no. Of course, he says yes.
And now we get one last guy, which is our Sob Story (always disguised by the phrase, "his incredible journey") of the night. Chris Medina is 26, from Chicago. He's engaged to be married, and she works at a Starbucks! She was recently in an accident, and she has a traumatic brain injury... and in a month or so, she woke up, with severe movement disabilities.
"Break Even" by The Script is his song, and he slows it down to a bluesy kinda of jam. Snapping fingers, he belts it out, and sounds great. The judges ask to meet his girlfriend, and they wheel her in to meet the judges. They shower her with hugs, kisses and love, and its probably one of the most sincere moments I've ever seen on Idol.
You wouldn't see that with Simon.
Milwaukee puts forth 53 contestants to Hollywood, out of the 1000s that showed up... and tomorrow night, its Nashville!
And here we are. Seven hours of fluff to give us 12 seconds of news. Rock on.
THIS IS THE AMERICAN
IDOL
FINALEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Sez Amarylis By Morning (up from san antone): American Idol 10 (its Season 9-d$) is the biggest snoozer since Jordan Sparks won it. There is zero anticipation for me.
8p... Yes, this show started at 7pm tonight, and yes, its 8pm, and we just started. The Lovely Steph Leann and I decided on dinner first, and we headed to The Purple Onion over here on 280. The owner of our favorite location on Hwy 31 is apparently owning this one too, because he was sitting there in the cafe. And it was awesome. I love me some Purp'O, and I'm happy a great location has opened up less than 3 miles from The Cabana, instead of the 10+ mile trek we have to usually make.
The judges are introduced, and The Lovely Steph Leann's first question: "What in the bejeebers is Randy Jackson wearing??"
8:04p... The finalists come down the steps, and we both notice that Lee and Crystal are all wearing Preparatory Outfits. We are confused, until the Top 12 are introduced and I realize they are doing "School's Out" by Alice Cooper. Glee this ain't.
About to fast forward through the group song when I notice none other than Alice Cooper himself, Christ Follower (no, seriously) and staunch Republican, come out.
Fast Forward through Commercials
8:08p... About to fast forward through Kris Allen and The Lovely Steph Leann tells me to put down the remote as he is about to sing his new single, "The Truth". As Seacrest sends it to Kris, and Kris begins, we still hear Seacrest and some backstage chick talking. Really, Fox? Your the biggest show in the country for what, 7 years running? Get this right.
8:11p... A montage of Simon Cowell clips, as this is his final Idol. Many of these audition clips I actually remember. A great appearance of Paula the Flake... I miss Paula.
8:13p... Siobhan Magnus and Aaron Kelly. Doing us the Bee Gees.
8:13p... The Lovely Steph Leann tells me I can fast forward, but I'm intrigued by the fact that Siobhan and Aaron are singing "How Deep Is Your Love"... and then , the curtain rises, and out comes Barry Gibb, and another guy I can only assume is another Gee. The last time Barry Gibb was on this show was really, really bad... a few seasons back, they did Bee Gees week, and Barry performed "To Love Somebody", and it was so bad, so terribly bad, that years later, I still randomly break out with a "there's a.light. some kinda light." in mockery--and it still sounds better than that night.
8:16p... Barry Gibb sounds marginally better
8:16p... The camera pans to David Hasselhoff in the audience. The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up, "There's The Hoff! He's in every one of these finales! The camera just finds him!"
Fast Forward through Commercials
8:18p... Big Mike comes out, singing a song that I cannot place... I don't know the lyrics, but I know the music... what is it... what is it....
8:19p... "Takin' It to the Streets"! And here comes Michael McDonald! The Lovely Steph Leann says, "I still have a hard time realizing this guy is white..."
8:20p... Michael McDonald is awesome. "Sweet Freedom" from the '86 Billy Crystal/Gregory Hines piece of crap "Running Scared" was awesome. "Keep Forgettin'" was awesome. His lead on "What a Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers. Awesome.
8:22p... I have a hard time disliking Dane Cook. I only say that because he's now onstage singing a comedic song dedicated to Simon. Most people I know aren't Dane Cook fans, and certainly, if you've ever seen "Good Luck Chuck", you'll know why. However, his movie "Employee of the Month", as terrible as it is, I'll watch it everytime its on, and laugh all the same. Anyway, this Dane Cook bit tonight? Pretty crappy.
Fast forward through commercials
8:25p... Lacey Brown singing Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful". In the first five notes, we are reminded why she was kicked out in Week 12. We fast forward through, til we see Xtina herself appear, leading the group in "Stronger"
8:26p... Christina Aguilera sings a new song. We fast forward.
8:27p... Ricky Gervais appears via satellite to say goodbye to Simon the Cowell.
Fast Forward through Commercials
8:29p... Lee DeWyze is on stage to sing Hall & Oates "I Can't Go For That (no can do)", which sounds really, really good. It sounded great til Andrew Garcia joined him. Casey James then leads us to "Maneater". Now I'm wondering if Hall & Oates will make an appearance. That would rule.
8:30p... Aaron Kelly singing this song is funny, because you know he has no concept of what this song even is, and who the artists are. And he wouldn't even get the joke 'Ah, its Jeffrey Dahmer's theme song'.
8:31p... HALL AND OATES!!!!! I just told The Lovely Steph Leann that if they came anywhere near here, I'd totally go see them. And they start singing "You Make My Dreams Come True". About three lines in, The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up and says, "Dude. Darryl Hall. You are obviously too old for this."
8:32p... Law #8,878 I'm forcing through when I become president in 2028... John Oates is required to sport his 80s 'stache at all times. At all times. Shaving it is a punishable fine of $100,000 and/or up to ten years in maximum security prison. Just sayin'.
8:34p... Crystal Bowersox comes out and sings "Ironic". And then, as now expected, Alanis Morrisette herself comes out, starting out with "You Oughta Know". How can I fast forward through this darn show when I actually want to watch the performances!? Crystal changes a key line in the song, "Would she go down with you to the theater". You know your old when you see that line, and immediately know what the original line is. Hey, "Jagged Little Pill" was a college icon album for me, one of those "what CDs would you take with you to a deserted island" kind of albums. Even The Lovely Steph Leann likes this CD, which is saying something, because a rocker chick she ain't.
8:36p... Alanis/Crystal duet. AWESOME. The Lovely Steph Leann is even singing along to "You Oughta Know".
Fast Forward through Commercials
8:42p... The Lovely Steph Leann and I have this quick, spirited discussion about whether "Jagged Little Pill" was a rock album or not. I say yes, she says it was more alternative, to which I say, "Yes, alt rock." I'm right. Again
8:42p... Carrie Underwood comes out. She's singing "Undo", a song I'm not a huge fan of. I like Carrie, though, because she really shows how appreciative of Idol--she comes back all the time, and shows her gratitude frequently. Unlike Kelly Clarkson, who seems like she wants to forget Idol is the reason she has a career.
8:44p... Typing that last paragraph, almost missed fast forwarding through the Ford Commercial. Made it, though!
8:45p... Casey James introduced singing "Every Rose Has its Thorn", which makes me throw my hands up, saying "Bret Michaels is coming out! Yeah!!" How can you not like this guy, and this song? Seriously.
8:47p... Okay, so Bret Michaels is having the best year ever. I mean, "Rock of Love", "Rock of Love 2", "Skank of Love", "Rock of Love Bus", "Venereal Disease of Love 5" and all those shows, while it make him a punchline of sorts, made him relevant again. And then, with the Celebrity Apprentice having such a great season this year (and it was awesome) and him doing so well, plus his medical issues--don't get me wrong, I don't wish ill on him at all, but everyone has felt for him, and learned to love him... he can do just about anything right now.
8:50p... Lee DeWyze is out now, joining the band Chicago for a medley of hits. If I were to even think about fast forwarding, The Lovely Steph Leann would be on the phone with Brad J. Latta, Atty at Law, discussing divorce. She loves loves loves her some Chicago. Even the old crap.
8:52p... Reality hits bigtime, as they start "If You Leave Me Now", and I say, "They sound unfortunate". The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up, "Yeah, they sound a little like Hall & Oates. Maybe Lee should sing the whole time..."
8:54p... Another Simon montage. Then Seacrest says the magic words... "Pants On The Ground". The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up, "Ohmigosh... they are actually doing this song on the stage? Oh dear..." They bring out the barely alive Bee Gees, then redeem themselves with Alanis, then a little off-key Hall & Oates, which I still love, and then they go all awesome with Michael McDonald and Bret Michaels. And now? The Pants guy... and William Hung. No joke.
Fast Forward through Commercials
8:59p... Remember, we started this at 8pm, and we've got 30 minutes left to get through. Another Simon montage... and here's Paula the Flake herself, looking absolutely gorgeous for the first time since, I dunno, 1994 and the "Rush Rush" video...
9:02... And now that she's talking, and I remember why I call her "Paula the Flake". I'd like to think she's stumbling and bumbling because she's not reading from a prompter, but I can almost guarentee that she IS reading from a prompter... and she still sounds like this.
9:05p... So, I guess the producers said, "Hey, Lee and Crystal can sing... but they have no personality... lucky for us we can concentrate on Simon's leaving and make the finale about that! Hey, someone call Shady Oakes Retirement Village in Irvine and see if Barry Gibbs and John Oates and that singer from Chicago are available next week!"
9:07p... Here comes Kelly Clarkson! And then Ruuuuuuben! And Fantasia! And then Carrie! And then Taylor! And now Jordin! And now Kris! Where's David Cook??
9:08p... They are doing a song that's something about "look what we've become..." or something. I'm happy to see Kelly Clarkson here, though she looks like "I really don't want to do this..." Anyway, the Idol winners are dressed in black, and out walks, in white, a ton of former Idol standouts, like Blake Lewis, David Archuleta, Ace Young, Mikaylah Gordon (okay, I said standout, but I guess anyone can come), Jason Castro, and.... PICKLES!!! I love Pickles.
9:11p.... "Hey, fellow producer, let's remind America that this show CAN be great! Let's get a whole bunch of former Idols up there to remind America what we've done!"
9:12p... Simon gets up, says a few words, and gets misty eyed
Fast forward through commercials
9:13p... The Top 12 start out with "Again" by Janet Jackson, a lovely little ditty that I have on cassette singles. And of course, here comes Janet... I do love this song. My favorite Janet songs, starting with 5, is "Escapade"... 4) "Again"... 3) "The Best Things in Life Are Free", a duet with the late, great Luther Vandross from The Dave100 movie "Mo' Money"... 2) "Miss You Much"... and my favorite Janet song is "Love Will Never Do (without you)". I love that tune.
9:15p... As Janet Jackson sings solo, we have this exchange:
Me: Ya know, she sounds a lot like Michael did towards his end there
The Lovely Steph Leann: That's exactly what I was thinking!!! I almost wonder if maybe she was doing his singing...
9:17p... I fast forward for just about 4 seconds before I stop it, realizing she's going to another song... and when I realize its "Nasty", I just set the remote down. That's right. Don't call me baby. Its Janet, Jackson, if you're nasty.
9:20p... Seacrest: Tonight... its about Lee and Crystal
Me: No, no its not. Its about Simon
The Lovely Steph Leann: Lee who? Who's Crystal?
9:22p... Lee and Crystal come out together to sing "A Little Help from My Friends", as made famous by The Beatles, but popularized by Joe Cocker on my #2 favorite tv show of all time, "The Wonder Years", recently supplanted from the top spot by "LOST". And on cue, Joe Cocker comes out to sing a little. And I think he just missed a line. But man, he can still wail, even at the ripe old age of 104.
9:25p... After a brief debate on The Beatles version vs Joe Cocker's version, I go to the source. Wikipedia. Lennon and McCartney did it in 1967, but Cocker did a radically different version in '68, one that he performed at Woodstock, and it went on to be the version used by "The Wonder Years".
Fast forward through commercials
Its 9:25p. There is about 6 minutes left recorded on the show. We are now concerned that we will miss the winner, unless Seacrest gets to it.
Its 9:27p... Dim the lights! After the nationwide vote... the winner and new American Idol is...
...is...
...is...
...Lee DeWyze.
Okay, so there's that.
Lee is emotional, and its kinda sweet to see him almost speechless. They pan to the judges and Simon looks bored, like he knows the wrong person won (and really... after last night, Crystal should have won this) The Lovely Steph Leann says, "He should be bored and ready to leave. Lee shouldn't have won... that should have been Crystal."
The Lovely Steph Leann is not upset at Lee's win because she doesn't think he's good enough, she's upset at Lee's win because "We needed a female to win. Suck it."
And what a fitting phrase to end a disappointing season of Idol. Suck it. Well said, The Lovely Steph Leann, well said.
Anyway, we are rocketing towards the finale like a Meat Loaf album title (wait for it) and most unexpectedly. The Lovely Steph Leann and I have had more than one conversation about how Idol has been a mainstay for Fox for a decade and a half, making it a bajillionty dollars, and yet, it's as if the execs at Fox said "Get it done and over as quick as possible."
