The 2012 Golden Globe Running Diary

So here we are, with the Golden Globes once again... in keeping with tradition, I'll blog the show bit by bit... sometimes funny, sometimes boring, rarely funny, mostly boring, it will be a trip nonetheless.

Now, its 9p, and we are starting late.  I could go into detail about how we had a great dinner with Melanie and Family, or how when we got home I had to put sheets on the bed and we had to do this and that and the other... however, I'll just use five words that most of you will understand:

We've got a kid now.

That will explain everything.

So, let's get going... Ricky Gervais is hosting again--last year, he got acclaim and criticism for his harsh joking on the celebrities, and though yes, they are people too, its hard to feel too bad when they can dry their tears with their Benjamins and sob into their silk couch cushions.  Give me a cool few million and make fun of me, I'm game.

9:07p... Yes, you say "it was 9p, why are you starting the DVR'd show at 9:07?  We've got a kid now, that's why.

9:09p... Show has started.  Ricky Gervais is out onstage, and I can tell half the stars in the audience are holding their breath, wondering if they are on target.  And he's drinking right off the bat.  "So, where was I...?" he begins.

909p... "The Golden Globes are just like the Oscars except without all that esteem.  I'm Britain's #1 comedian on the 2nd biggest awards show on the America's 3rd biggest network.  Fourth?  Okay, 4th biggest network..."

909p... Ricky makes a man-parts joke, and the camera shows Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, who are unamused.  Then makes a dirty little joke about the film "The Beaver" and Jodie Foster.  You see where this is going.

914p... The opening monologue is short, and considerably--and I mean really, really--tamer that last year.  Johnny Depp comes out as the first presenter.   Ricky asks him, "Johnny... have you seen 'The Tourist' yet?"  He's got a point... its a bad, bad movie.

915p... "Hugo" is the first of the nominated Best Drama movies shown.  I'm completely on the fence about seeing it, though I've heard its great.

916p... Gerard Butler and Mila Kunis comes out... besides "300", I don't know that Gerard Butler has done anything worth watching.   Mila Kunis has actually done some great work, though, "The Book of Eli" and "Friends with Benefits" are great examples.

917p... Best Supporting Actor in a Film.  Right before we heard his name, I said aloud "Christopher Plummer gets this".  Plummer is nominated for "Beginners", a movie where an old man (Plummer) comes out of the closet after a long, hetero life.  He's a legendary actor, but I feel like this movie is this years "The Kids are Alright"... that is, this year's Gay Movie.  I expect Plummer to be on the fast track to the Best Supporting Actor Oscar.

920p... Chris Plummer is still talking.  No "get off the stage" music.  I have a feeling that he is on the short list of people that the producers say, "Don't you dare play him off stage..."

How awesome would it be for him to work in how much he hates "The Sound of Music"... because in many interviews, he says just that very thing.

921p... Ashton Kutcher and Elle McPherson come out, doing the award for best actress in a Comedy or Musical.  So far, we've got Enlightened, Parks and Rec, 30 Rock, The Big C and something else that I don't watch... Laura Dern gets it for Enlightened, an HBO show that I've never seen, but I'm sure is enjoyed by dozens of people every week.  Expect HBO to rack the heck up tonight.  Personally, I'd like to see Laura Linney get it, because I do like me some Laura Linney.

923p... "I like this dress she's got on.  Not the belt".  Thanks to The Lovely Steph Leann for the insight.

Julianne Moore is on my short list of people, along with Amy Adams,
DiCaprio, Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise that deserve an Oscar at some point.

924p... Something for each of us.  Rob Lowe, a member in good standing of The Colin Firth Club, while for me, Julianne Moore and her awesome red hair.  The prompter fails, and someone hands the banter script to Julianne Moore.

925p... The nominees for Best TV Movie or Mini-Series.  "Cinema Verte"... "Downton Abbey"... "The Hour"... "Mildred Pierce"... "Too Big to Fail"...  I've only seen the last of those films, and it was pretty good, but not a major masterpiece to me.  I kinda feel like "Too Big to Fail" was that movie "New Years Eve" except with a smarter cast.  The winner?  "Downton Abbey", some show on PBS about old school England, which can pretty much guarantee that I will NEVER watch the show.

927p... The producer from "Downton Abbey" is speaking, and he's saying that ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

928p... Rob and Julianne are back for Best Actress in TV Movie or Mini-Series.  Who will win this?  Kate Winslet for "Mildred Pierce".  That's my guess... and?  Kate Winslet.  Anytime my dear Kate wins an award, I'm all for it.  She deserves 293 Golden Globes and about 102 Oscars.  Perhaps one of the top five most talented actresses alive today.

930... Christopher Plummer gets as long as he wants to talk.  Apparently Kate Winslet hasn't gotten to that status yet... she is played off stage.  Frieda Pinto comes out to introduce "Midnight in Paris".  The only reason I haven't seen this movie is that Woody Allen directed it--and I am not a Woody Allen fan at all.

933p... Jeremy Irons escorts the Hollywood Foreign Press Prez Dr. Something Somethingsomething.  The HFP is the group that does these awards every year, but I couldn't tell you anything else about them.  The camera pans to Madonna, leading The Lovely Steph Leann to say, "Why is Madonna there?  What the heck?"

934p... Jake Gyllenhaal.  He's out to introduce "My Week With Marilyn", another nominated film in the Drama category.  Another one I haven't seen.

This picture doesn't do Paula Patton's dress justice, as here
its muted.  It looked like a highlighter machine threw up
all over her.

936p... Ricky Gervais comes out again, making a joke about his agent and God, sparking an uncomfortable chuckle in the room-here and there.  Melissa McCarthy and Paula Patton come out, and the TV is filled with Paula's bright yellow dress.  Best Actor TV Series Drama.  All five shows I don't watch.  And the winner?  Starz gets one!  Kelsey Grammar wins for "Boss"!  Take that HBO!!

937p... Wait... does the Hollywood Foreign Press know that Kelsey Grammer is not playing "Frasier" anymore?  Is this why he won?

939p... Now the nominees for Best TV Series Drama.  Another set of shows I don't watch, though I think "Homeland" will be something we pick up... And "Homeland" wins!  I'm going to stick that in our Netflix queue.

942p... Adam Levine ("The Voice" plug!!) and Jimmy Fallon come out now.  The award for Best Song and Best Score is up.  Levine and Fallon are doing a schtick, and the camera shows George Clooney, who isn't even cracking a slight smile.  Best Score is first.  All five movies I've never seen.  My guess is "The Artist" and... I'll be right.  The Lovely Steph Leann remarks, "I'm a little disappointed in all of those nominees..."

945p... The winner is a Frenchman, and he says in broken English, "I'm sorry... I'm French..." and then tries to make a joke in broken English.  Doesn't work.  Best Song award is next... Gnomeo and Juliet's song... Machine Gun Preacher's song... Albert Nobbs' song... The Help's song... W.E.'s song... which is from Madonna, which makes both of us go, "Ahh... thats why she's there."

947p... Madonna wins.  Leads to this exchange:

Her:  What is "W.E."?  I haven't heard of half these movies!  When did that happen!
Me: Uh... we have a kid now.
Her:  And her dress?  Its horrible.

950p... Who the heck is this chick?  Upon seeing this foreign chick's dress, The Lovely Steph Leann doesn't say a word... she just slightly gasps.

951p... Debra Messing AND My Girl McPhee?  Holy crap.  Best Actor in TV Movie or Mini-Series.  Winner?  Idris Elba in... "Luther"?  Is that the name of it?  I know this guy as the Gatekeeper guy in "Thor".

953p... Brad Pitt walks out.  Millions of women my age collapse in a tizzy.  He introduces "The Ides of March", which was a great movie.

Beckinsale's face is genuine--she had no idea Seth was going to say it

955p... Seth Rogan and Kate Beckinsale walk out together... and Seth deadpans, "I'm Seth Rogan and I'm currently trying to conceal a..."... well, he says he's turned on.  Kate is cracking up, so I'm not sure that line was planned.  Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy, winner is Michelle Williams.  She will now be the second-runner to Meryl Streep in the Best Actress Race.  A chick from Dawson's Creek takes home a Golden Globe.

955p... Seth Rogan's one inappropriate joke > Ricky Gervais' entire monologue thusfar.

958p... Piper Perabo and Sarah Michelle Geller come out for Best Supporting Actor in TV Series, Mini Series or TV Movie.  Winner?  Peter Dinklage for Game of Thrones, for which he also won the Emmy some months back.  That's awesome... Short People Rule!  Dinklage says, "My mom said to me 'Have you seen Mildred Pierce?  Its so good!  Guy Pierce is going to win!'"

1001p... Ricky comes back out, drink in hand, introducing George Clooney, who walks out with a cane.  He introduces "Moneyball", another fantastic movie... like "The Ides of March", I think its a movie that gets better the more I think about it, and I'm looking forward to seeing both of them again.

1003p... Channing Tatum and Jessica Alba come out--I'm not sure putting both of their talents together would equal the right fingers of Kate Winslet or Colin Firth.  But hey, Channing was awesome in "She's the Man", right?  Right.

1003p... Best Animated Film, and honestly, I don't think there was a whole lot of strong animated movies.  "Cars 2" is nominated, but without a strong Pixar movie to win, I don't know who takes it.  "Rango", maybe?  The winner?  "The Adventures of Tintin", a movie that could care less about seeing.

1004p... I would imagine this award means as much to Steven Spielberg as his Blockbuster Entertainment Awards.

1006p... Ewen McGregor comes on the stage, introducing a wonderful movie as a best comedy nominee, "50/50".  I think more people should see this movie.  Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Seth Rogan and Anna Kendrick are awesome, and this movie appears on the first post of The Coolest 100 Things of 2011.

1008p... Clive Owen and Nicole Kidman for Screenplay.  "Midnight in Paris"... "The Ides of March"... "The Artist"... "The Descendants"... "Moneyball".  And the Golden Globe goes to... Woody Allen for "Midnight in Paris", who isn't there.  Uncomfortable.

1009p... Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy, a real life couple, does a little song together that gets a huge applause.  Very cute.  Best Supporting Actress in a TV Series, Mini-Seires or TV Movie.  The winner is... Jessica Lange for "American Horror Story", a show I've never seen, but I've heard its scary and weird and awesome.

The Lovely Steph Leann:  Her dress is an American Horror Story on its own.

Another American Horror Story?  The fact that Jessica Lange also won a Golden Globe for the 70s version of "King Kong".  Wow, what a crappy film.

1013p... Back with Ricky, who introduces "The queen of pop... no, not you Elton John...  she's 'like a virgin", then coughs loudly.  Madonna comes out, saying "If I'm like a virgin, come over and do something about it--I haven't kissed a girl in a while."  There is laughter, but not much.  Foreign Film nominees.  The winner?  "A Separation" from Iran.  I wonder if they checked the cast and producers for bombs as they came in.   I also wonder if he publicly calls the US "The Great Satan", if Sean Penn would hop on stage and hug him.

1016p... Dustin Hoffman, Hollywood legend!  This is Best Actress TV Series Drama.  The Lovely Steph Leann and I both cheer when Callie Thorn is announced as a nominee for "Necessary Roughness"... what a great show.  Claire Danes wins for "Homeland"!  I like Claire Danes.  What a lovely lady.  

1022p... Emily Blunt comes out to introduce "Bridesmaids", one of my favorite films of 2011.  Absolutely hysterical.

1023p... Jane Lesbian Lynch and Tina Fey come on stage to do Best Actor TV Series Comedy or Musical.  Or as Jane says, "Music-Cal".  The winner is... Matt Le Blanc for "Episodes", as he plays a parody of himself. Four nominations, all for Friends, but no wins... good times.

Dr. Drake Remore gets a Golden Globe.  I love it.

1026p... People's "Sexiest Man Alive", Bradley Cooper is here to introduce the Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture.  Octavia Spencer will win this... and the winner is... Octavia Spencer.  She looks humble, but she had to know she was the front runner for this--and the Oscar now.  She gets a partial standing ovation from the crowd, and is stopped by like, 9 people on the way to the stage.

Me: This is going to be a speech about black women everywhere.
The Lovely Steph Leann:  Of course it is.

Yup.  Four seconds in, and we get a Martin Luther King reference.

For anyone who has seen that movie, would you be a little apprehensive if she served chocolate pie at her award party?

1030p... Reese Witherspoon.  Yeah!  Let me tell you, I'm guessing she won't be doing the Bend & Snap in that dress.

She introduces "The Descendants", a movie that I really, really want to see, mostly because I know its one of maybe two leads for Best Picture for the Academy Awards.  And with George Clooney at his table?  Stacy Kiebler, former WCW and WWE Diva.  Rock on!

1031p... Sidney Poitier comes out to award Morgan Freeman with the CC DeMille Award... Sidney is given a huge standing ovation.   I know I'm getting old because no longer are these lifetime awards given to the 50s and 60s stars like Deborah Kerr or Spencer Tracy or Burt Lancaster... no, we are watching actors that we've grown up with get LIFETIME Achievement Awards. Wow.

And Morgan Freeman is so deserving of this very thing.  What a phenomenal actor, and what an incredible narration voice.  Helen Mirren comes out and says, "I have had a few glasses of wine, so excuse me when I complain that Morgan Freeman has been in over 50 films and I've only been in one."

I wonder if they asked Morgan Freeman to narrate the Morgan Freeman
tribute.  I want him to narrate my funeral.  Can anyone help with that?

Among the many awesome movies Morgan Freeman has done, here is My Favorite Morgan Freeman Roles:

10) Lucius Fox in "Batman Begins" & "The Dark Knight"
9) Azeem in "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves"
8) Hoke Colburn in "Driving Miss Daisy"
7-tie) Jim in "Hard Rain"
7-tie) Joe Matheson in "Red"
6) God in "Bruce Almighty"
4) Ned Logan in "Unforgiven"
3) Det. William Somerset in "Se7en"
2) Rawlins in "Glory"
1) Red in "The Shawshank Redemption"

He truly is one of the Greatest American Actors Ever.  Hats off to you, Mr. Freeman.

The Lovely Steph Leann also points out that he does the voice of The Hall of Presidents--true.  And despite the presence of He Who Must Not Be Re-Elected, that makes it great.

1046p... Robert Downey Jr is here to introduce "The Artist", a movie I think I want to see, but I'm not sure.

1048p... Angelina Jolie comes out, and hardens my resolve that I not find her attractive, ever.  She looks ghastly.  Best Director... Ides of March... Midnight in Paris... The Descendants... Hugo... The Artist... and the winner is... Martin Scorcese for Hugo.  Very interesting...

The Lovely Steph Leann:  Angelina's arms are so teeny.  Like, the size of Campbell's arms.

1051p... Ricky again.  "I can't wait to introduce Salma Hayek and Antonio Banderas!  I think they are interesting, I'm not sure because I [NBC bleeps out what he says]".  Salma and Antonio come out, and the entire bit by them is silenced.  Even the nominees for Best TV Series Comedy or Musical is quiet.  The picture goes haywire... and Modern Family wins the award.  What the heck?

1054p... Michelle Pfieffer, a legendary Hollywood beauty, comes out to introduce "War Horse".  With no desire to see this film, I think I've realized I'm not a fan of horse movies.  I've never seen, nor do I care to see, "Secretariat", "Sea Biscuit", "Sand Biscuit Hidalgo", "Black Beauty" or any of those.  "Hot to Trot" was kinda funny, though.

I put Jessica Biel in the Angelina Jolie All Stars for me--that is,
those chicks who the world tells me that I'm supposed to be
all hot for, but I don't see the appeal.  Sorry.

1055p... Mark Wahlberg and Jessica Biel comes out, and The Lovely Steph Leann gives the line of the night... "Ugh!  That dress!  Its like she has a third boob!"  Its true.  Its like Jess Biel is a Sister Wife.

The winner for Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical goes to Jean Dejlua?idh for "The Artist".

1058p... Queen Latifah is introduced, and she's introducing "The Help" as a nominee for Best Movie.

1101p... Ricky is out again, introducing Colin Firth.  The Lovely Steph Leann swoons.  Ricky Gervais then makes fun of the fact that Colin Firth is talented, acclaimed and loved by all.  "But what you don't know is that he's very racist.  Here's the evil Colin Firth!"  Best Actress in a Drama Movie... the winner is... Meryl Streep of course.  That's my prediction, anyway... so, the actual winner is:  Meryl Streep.  We knew this.  She says, "I'm so glad that Ricky Gervais' deal fell through and they came to me to play Margaret Thatcher..."  I think she curses again, because the sound cuts out.  This is NBC, though.

1105p... Meryl is still talking.  She gets that "extra long speech time", though the music just kicked in.

1106p... Jane Fonda follows suit onto the stage, now is giving the award for Best Musical or Comedy.  50/50... The Artist... Bridesmaids... Midnight in Paris... My Week with Marilyn... and we know this.  The Artist picks up another win.   I dunno if a dog has anything to do with the movie, but there is a puppy onstage that some of the cast is playing with.

1110p... Ricky Gervais now brings out Natalie Portman, who won last year for Black Swan, a movie I haven't seen and am on the fence about.  Best Actor Movie Drama.  George Clooney... Leo DiCaprio... Michael Fassbender... Brad Pitt... Ryan Gosling... the Golden Globe goes to... George Clooney for "The Descendants".   Another predictable winner tonight.

1114p... This must be the final award of the night, because it brings out cranky Harrison Ford, and they are rushing through this list of Best Drama Movie... and the winner is... "The Descendants".  Right here, right now, I call it--a two film race for Best Picture at the Academy Awards between this and The Artist, with The Descendants getting it.

And that is your 2012 Golden Globes!  I know, I know, its a day late, its hurried, and I'm sure I missed some stuff... but hey...

We've got a kid now.

The Great Thing about Tiny Lister (and other random thoughts)

So, I read that "The Expendables" is possibly heading to a sequel.  Man, I hope so, cause that movie is the most craptacular spectacle that exists on His green Earth today.  Its a testosterone overload.  The movie, of course, was a rousing success, with Sly Stallone and Jason Stathem in the lead, and guys like Jet Li, Randy Couture, Stone Cold Steve Austin and Dolph Lungren.

What's the plot?  Doesn't really matter... something about an arms dealer in a South American island, which is where they usually are. 

Anyway, I bring this up because I was reading on the movie's Wiki page about a possible Part 2, and those who might star in in... those names include:  Jean Claude Van-Damme, Hulk Hogan, Mr. T., Carl Weathers, Vin Diesel, The Rock, Charlie Sheen, Lorenzo Lamas, Chuck Norris and yes, it lists Ryan Seacrest (!).  Now, with the addition of Seacrusty to that list, one must assume this is a very tentative list, as the words "action star" and "Ryan Seacrust" go together like "Obama" and "concern for the American citizen", but there it is.  Wiki isn't known to be 100 percent accurate, but they are fairly close most of the time. 

Of course, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger shared screen time with Sly Stallone in a quick scene that was highly praised as "the three biggest 80s starts at the same time", and sources say that Bruce is hoping to reprise his role as "Mr. Church", possibly being the main villian.   Ahnold was also thought to be in a bigger role, but after his baby-daddy scandel the last few months, that might not happen.

Its targeting a August 2012 release date.  I'll be there.

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So, went to the doctor with The Lovely Steph Leann.  Why is it that there are fifty chick mags in the office, all lying around, like "Parenting" and "Women's Health" and "Good Housekeeping" and "Ebony Baby Mama", but for the men, you usually have two options... "Field and Stream" is always one of them.  My dad read that magazine when I was a kid, and I have a hard time believing it still exists.  The other is "Sports Illustrated", though its a rule that doctors offices cannot have any issues that are anywhere close to recent.

Go to the doc's office and find an SI, and you are likely to see something on the front cover like "Saints Win Super Bowl" or "Will LeBron Pick Cleveland?" or "Favre Becomes an NYJet".  To be fair, if you see a People Magazine, you'll also see something like "Elizabeth Smart Found!" or "Jesse and Sandra!  Happy Together!".

Can they not subscribe to Entertainment Weekly or Newsweek or something?  Seriously?

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Being a Sunday afternoon, a lazy Sunday afternoon, we are just flipping channels and watching whatever is on.  "Ironman 2" was finishing, as The Lovely Steph Leann dozes and I type.  We both were awake at the end, though, when the Hammer Droids were all defeated, but rigged to blow up (hope I didn't spoil it for you... whoops).  Anyway, this little light starts blinking and goes, "Beep... ... ... ... beep ... ... ... ... beep ... ... ... beep ... ... beep ... beep ... beep .. beep . beep beep beepbeepbeepbeep", which simply led me to observe, "If we are standing around destroyed battle droids and a little red light starts blinking and starts beeping at a progressively increased rate, perhaps I would start to run."

The Lovely Steph Leann just says, "Yep."

Hasn't Gwyneth Paltrow seen "Predator"?  This is exactly what happens.

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Speaking of "Iron Man 2", we were just chatting as the credits rolled, and I noticed something kinda funny... you know, like, at the end of movies when you see the American Humane Society logo, and it says "No animals were harmed in the making of this film"?  I've often wondered what happens if an animal is, in fact, injured, and that claim is no longer valid.

Well, the end of the credits, the American Humane Society logo pops up, and beside it simply reads, "Animals were monitored during filming".  Guess there's your answer

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Yeah, so I guess we'll have to baby proof The Cabana.  Kid coming and all.   Very weird feeling.

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Judging by the flannel, I am assuming this is
Tiny Lister as Deebo in "Friday"

So, this post extended into Monday morning... and usually in the morning, there's not much on worth watching.  First World Problem and all... anyway, right now, there is an action movie currently on, called "Blast!" from 2004, and it's starring Eddie Griffin, Brecken Meyer and Vivica A. Fox. Those are actually the names along the top of the DVD box, along with action mega-star Vinnie Jones (and that, of course, is sarcasm).  

That's the first indication that the movie is a bit unknown, when anytime your DVD box sports those names as your title stars... the second is what I just found out--you have to actually put forth an effort to find this in Wikipedia and IMDB.  I mean, when you have to work to find the Wiki page, no bueno.  

Oh, lest I forget, someone who didn't make the DVD box, but is worth mentioning none the less, is Tommy "Tiny" Lister, the big, lazy eyed black dude from such Oscar winning films like Hulk Hogan's "No Holds Barred" and for winning a Golden Globe as Deebo in Ice Cube's "Friday" series.

(Can poke some fun at Tiny Lister, but can't knock him too much... on 1999, he gave his life to Christ when Benny Hinn prayed over him and told him that he could use his acting career for the Kingdom.  Lister is a member of The Light of the World Christian Church in California.  Word.)

Truth be told, its on right now because Samantha Brown's Walt Disney World doesn't start until 10 on the Travel Channel... and that's where I'm headed.  Samantha + Disney = me enthralled.

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And finally... so, I don't watch "Glee" all that much... The Lovely Steph Leann is giddy when its on and Gleek personified, but for me, its not a bad show, I just don't watch it.

However, NBC has a similiarly styled show next year called "Smash".  It won't take place at a high school, but will instead focus on the competitive nature of Broadway and those trying to make it.  And, it stars not only Katharine McPhee, but also Debra Messing. 

McPheever and Debra?  I'm in.

Unfortunately, its NBC, so it will probably get scheduled against American Idol.  Then they'll blame the show and its stars, they'll screw it up and cancel it.  Then replace it with something like "Law & Order:  Latta's Rule".  How do I know this?  Its NBC.

Summer of Blogging Day Fourteen

The 100 Coolest Things of 2009... 80 to 71

We continue our countdown of the Coolest Things of 2009... and looking at the next ten, this might be the "Guilty Pleasurest" block of ten in the five year history of The Coolest List.  Not all of them, but some.  Several.  And if you are on Facebook, flip on over to The Clouds and see the blog in its better glory. 

80... Kate Winslet Gets an Oscar
Beyond The Goddess, beyond Amy Adams, whom I'm in love with, a founding member of my own Colin Firth Club that The Lovely Steph Leann keeps tucked away is none other than British actress Kate Winslet.  She'd been nominated six times for an Academy Award, but on Sunday, February 22nd, she finally got hers... in my running diary, I posted this:

1032p... KATE!!! KATE!!! KATE!!! KATE!!! KATE!!! KATE!!! KATE!!! KATE!!! KATE!!! KATE HAS AN OSCAR!!! KATE HAS AN OSCAR!!! KATE HAS AN OSCAR!!!!!! KATE WINSLET WINS AN OSCAR!!!! KATE!!! KATE!!! KATE!!!

1035p... We knew Kate Winslet would win this, but that doesn't make it any less freakin' awesome. KATE KATE KATE!!!

Needless to say, I was excited.  Still am.

79... Pickler's New Album
For anyone who has read this blog longer than a few days, you'll realize a few things.  First, Mama Gilmore is much more attractive than Daughter Gilmore.  Secondly, Hootie & the Blowfish rocks.  Third, I love stupid movies.  Fourth, I eat lots of food.  Fifth, I believe the Dixie Chicks only deserved a small part of what they got.  Sixth, He Who Must Not Be Re-Elected is a one-term president.  Seventh, if back massages were on Facebook, I'd hit the "dislike" button.  Eighth, I will only watch "A Christmas Story" on Christmas Eve, and refuse to buy it.  Ninth, Erin the Marine Wife is to be commended.  Finally, I think Pickles is awesome. 
 
Her first CD, "Small Town Girl", was pretty good for a post-Idol debut, better than even Kat McPhee's decently good CD.  So, when Pickles second album came rollin' out, I went to Best Buy and I bought it.  Yeah, I might be the only person you know that owns a Pickles CD, but hey, I dig it.  Favorite track?  The great, soarin' vocals of "Didn't You Know How Much I Loved You".   I would post a pic of Pickles here, but 1) I'm running out of good pictures to post for Idol blog references, and 2) not enough room for the above picture of Kate and the below picture of...
 
78.. Jon Thompson

One of the four guys I took with me to Walt Disney World (that trip to be ranked later), this dude cracked me up the entire time.  Example... with five guys in a single room with two beds, I had to sleep next to someone.  One of the guys slept on the floor.  And Jon had to sleep with one of them.  The one that Jon had to sleep with decided he would just sleep naked.  Naturally, Jon had a real problem with this... so much so that he leapt out of bed, and started yelling things like, " Why would you do this?  Why!  Why can't you keep your shorts on?  What the crap, dude?"
 
And, being guys, we all turned it around on him--telling him things like, "Settle down, go to bed" and "Seriously, its not a big deal."  Personally, I totally agreed with Jon--who wants to sleep next to a naked guy?  The Lovely Steph Leann doesn't even want that, and I'm her hubby! 
 
He ended up sleeping next to his "bed-mate" who agreed to wear shorts.  Later, I discovered that said bed-mate actually de-shorted during the night and re-shorted before Jon woke up.  I think I laughed for quite a while as all this was going on.
 
He kept the riot going on the way back, marveling at the luck and blessed life of one Tyler Campbell, the bro-in-law, who won a randomly won a car and gave swimming lessons for like, $70 an hour.  Jon?  He worked at a screen printing shop that, after three years, "I'm somehow making less money than when I started!  While I'm on the other side of the tracks, Tyler is over there living in the bourgeois!'.  Course, bourgeois actually means "social middle class".  Who knew.  Jon rocks.
 
77... Hank Azaria in "Night at the Museum:  Battle of the Smithsonian"

Out of all the movies I saw in 2009, I would rank this one somewhere in the middle.  It was good, but it wasn't great.  It had its moments, but like my original review, "...with this movie, you know what you are going to get... lots of historical figures making pop culture references, lots of funny action and Ben Stiller doing what he does best."
 
This movie itself doesn't make our list, but one of the two standout performances does--first, Amy Adams, whom I'm in love with.  Secondly, and more importantly (for this movie, anyway), its Hank Azaria's absolutely hysterical performances.  He "not only plays Kahmunrah to the hilt, leaving you convinced that he had a blast playing this part, but he also does the voice of the Brooklyn-accented Thinker sculpture and of Abe Lincoln, fresh out of the Lincoln Memorial."   His Kahmunrah voice is especially great, slightly feminine and non-threatening, and he makes for the best part of the movie that doesn't include a redhead. 
 
76... The Muppets Do Queen
Kermit, Miss Piggy, Beaker, Dr. Bunson Honeydew and the gang are making a comeback...
 
\
 
...and its awesome
 
75... "Hey" by Mitchell Musso
Uh... a fun song.. makes me kinda bouncy and... uh... its... um...
 
74... "High School Musical"
Um... I saw the movie off and on... we, uh, at The Happiest Place in the Mall we played... and... I really like the them song and... well... uh...
 
73... "The Hoedown Throwdown" by Miley Cyrus
Uh... its... the movie was terrible but this... I like this song and uh...
 
Boom clap, boom de clap de clap, boom boom clap, boom de clap de clap, come on y'all, boom clap boom...
 
Everybody!  Boom de clap de clap...
 
Boom boom clap?  
 
Anyone?
 
(silence)
 
(crickets)
 
Let's move on, shall we?
 
72... ESPN's "30 for 30"
The concept is brilliant, really.  To celebrate ESPN's 30th Anniversary, they brought in 30 different directors and/or directing teams from all walks of life, all lifestyles, all film styles, to direct 30 different sports documentaries on subjects near and dear to their own hearts.
 
The results thus far have been golden.  First up was "King's Ransom", a mildly entertaining film about Gretsky's trade from the Oilers to the Kings, which I never knew was such a monumental, watershed moment for both Gretsky and the NHL... Peter Berg directed.
 
What followed was "Muhammed and Larry", chronicling the fourth bout between Ali and Homes, directed by Albert Maysles... "The Legend of Jimmy the Greek", about the slow rise and quick fall of a commentator legend, directed by Fritz Mitchell... "The Band That Wouldn't Die", an awesome look at the Baltimore Colts marching band that kept playing for over a dozen years after the Colts fled for Indy, directed by famed director Barry Levinson ("Diner", "Good Morning Vietnam", "Rain Man"). 
 
The only one I really didn't like as much was "The U", directed by Billy Corben, scanning the Miami Hurricanes teams of the 80s... it showed the teams, the successes, but didn't really spend too much time into the real issues of the team's problems.  Personally, I wished it would have talked about the crash of the program, not just the rise, but alas, I didn't direct it.
 

 
The two I loved, though?  "Without Bias", directed by Kirk Fraser, about the incredible impact that the death of Len Bias had on the Boston Celtics.  Two days after the NBA Draft, Bias dropped dead of a cocaine overdose, he not only altered our perception of casual drug use and became the tipping point of America's drug crisis in the mid-80s, but he practically ruined an already floundering franchise right as it was about to find a guy who they could build around. 
 
Secondly, "Small Potatoes: Who Really Killed the USFL?", directed by Mike Tollin which showed the success of the USFL, attempting spring football, leaving the NFL in the fall--and they were doing pretty good with it... but it took a dive, due to over-expansion, bad management, and one Donald Trump who bought into the league, and wanted to immediately move it to the fall, taking on the NFL head-to-head.  After a monoply & anti-trust lawsuit against the NFL, the verdict came back in favor of the USFL... in the form of a check for $3.76.  The USFL went belly up.  The documentary is made even better by the interview with Donald Trump, who ends up walking out on Mike Tollin.
 

 
Ahead are films on the legend of Steve Bartman... speedskater Johan Olav Koss... NASCAR driver Tim Richmond and the little disease that killed his career... and even one featuring Michael Jordan's suspension from the NBA for gambl... um, I mean, his retirement for two years to try out baseball.  Oh, and Ice Cube puts his touch on a film about the Raiders.  Good times.
 
71... Read the Rules, Shankapotomus
The Lovely Steph Leann prefers the one where the buddy "flexes the golden pipes", but personally, this is my favorite commercial of the year... 
 

 
Coming up... An Idol goes Kanye... The Best Greek Film of the Year... and later, noddin' my head like yeah, movin' my hips like yeah...

The Complete Rat Package... Idol goes Standard

Tonight... another night... another night of music... another night of dreams... another night of dreams broken... another night of song... another night of The Ambiguously Gay Screeching... what is this, you say? Its a talent show. Its an entertainment show. Its a variety show. Its a competition. What is this?

THIS

IS

AMERICAN

IDOL

Two phone numbers for each contestant, now that they are down to only five. Our judges, Randy the Diggity Dawg, Kara the New Hotness, Paula the Flake and Simon the Cowell are sitting front and center, and Ryan the Seacrest introduces the theme... Standards from the Rat Pack era. Dean, Sammy, Tha Chairman... and those other guys that no one can remember... the mystery mentor this week? Kris Allen says, "The theme is Rat Pack... and all those people are... dead...?"

Jamie Foxx, an emblem of the 1960s standards and Rat Pack era music (I say this in all sarcasm), is the mentor. Personally, I think he was awesome in "Collateral".

Up first is The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen. She is bummed by the fact that our friend, KT, doesn't like him. KT didn't like My Last Next American Idol Brooke White either, so pooh on her.


I don't care what you say, KT... I loved My Last Next American Idol Brooke White. Her new single, "Hold Up My Heart", is pretty terrible, though.

He's taking on "The Way You Look Tonight", which I personally dig Frank's version of it. Tony Bennett's version is a little too slow for me, though I think Kris will emulate that version. Not that that is a bad thing.

Its a song from the film "Swing Time", and actually won the Academy Award for best song that year.

The Lovely Steph Leann is a currently a puddle on the couch. Jamie Foxx says that if things don't work out, "you and I can definately do something together, man." Not a bad compliment at all.

And the version kicks up a little in tempo... well done, The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen, well done.

Randy the Dawg says he is looking to see who's in it to win it... "Dude. I personally think this is your best performance to date." Kara the New Hotness says, "You have set the technical standard so high for this evening." I tell The Lovely Steph Leann that I thought it was good, and she just smiles. If that were Colin Firth singing the same song in the same way, I think The Lovely Steph Leann might have been kissing the screen, a la 1988 Kirk Cameron.

Paula the Flake babbles. Simon the Cowell says, "It was a little bit wet." What does that even mean? He says that he's not sure that The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen can even win this competition. The producers are wondering now... should they continue their course of The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert and The Gokenator... or should they throw in an underdog? Hmm...

Speaking of Next... here comes My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta, who has just turned 17! She's a year away from legality! I kid, I kid... if I was into jailbait, I'd be all about Emma Watson. Not that I am. Moving on.

Jamie Foxx is actually not a bad mentor... what he is telling the Idols makes pretty good sense. My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta is singing "Someone to Watch Over Me." It's a song from 1926, a Gershwin tune from the musical "Oh, Kay!". This song was done masterfully in Idol Season Five by My Girl McPhee, who went on to be Vice-Idol with Taylor Hicks. Not a great season of Idol, aside from McPheever... and Pickles!


Yay! I love Pickles!

By the way, My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta was awesome. Randy the Dawg says, "You look like Britney Murphy, looking dope, you sing like P!nk, only with 9,000 more octives!" Kara the New Hotness loves her too. Paula the Flake uses the words "Alluring" and "Tender". Simon the Cowell asks My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta if she thinks she can win. Simon the Cowell doesn't think she feels like she can win, and has a sinking feeling she might be in trouble.

Matty G says he's all stoked about this week, saying he loves the jazz part of it all. He's singing "My Funny Valentine". Jamie Foxx gives Matty G lots of love and props... something tells me he's going to drool over The Goke and The AGAL...

Did you know this song is from a 1937 musical called "Babes in Arms", and has appeared on over 1300 albums by over 600 artists?

I liked the song, though it wasn't as good as the first two. Randy the Dawg agrees. Kara the New Hotness agrees. Paula the Flake blubbers and drools on herself. Simon the Cowell disagrees with Randy the Dawg, and says it was "the only believable, authentic song I've heard tonight. I thought you were brilliant."

Up next is The Widower Danny Gokey (which, of course leaves The Pimp Slot for The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert) and he's singing "Come Rain or Come Shine". Its a song that was from the 1946 music "St. Louis Women", but like many of tonight's songs, the tune has long outlived the musical from which it came.

This song was also done by Kat McPhee back in Idol Season Five.

Trombone assisted, The Goke starts. Emmy Turnbow is sitting next to Cindy Jo Warner on the Goke-Wagon, and agrees with The Lovely Steph Leann that he looks much like Robert Downey Junior. Robert Downey Jr Junior, if you will.

And The Goke tosses out a pretty good song... The Lovely Steph Leann says, "For me, for him, that was the best I've ever heard him do. Ever." I would agree that it was pretty good...

Randy the Dawg says that The Goke could have an album with songs like this tonight... Kara the New Hotness commends "The Rat Pack Swagga..." and Paula the Flake says "Stellar." Simon the Cowell says it was great.

New show called "Glee" on Fox. The Lovely Steph Leann is so hyped about this show.


Mentioned Jamie Foxx earlier, being in the Michael Mann movie "Collateral." Excellent film. Tom Cruise as a bad guy, frickin' awesome. This video is probably Emmy Turnbow Safe, which means its NSFW, probably because of language... it is Rated R, but not for boobies (I don't remember any) but just for language and lots and lots of dead people.

And finally, its The Ambiguously Screechy Adam Lambert in the Pimp Slot. He's taking on "Feelin' Good", and he's already screeching in rehearsals with Jamie Foxx. Its actually from a 1965 musical called, "The Roar of the Greasepaint--the Smell of the Crowd", but its mostly known from Nina Simone's definitive version of the song. One of my 100 favorite songs of all time, just so you know.

Here comes the screech... wait for it... wait for it... and... bingo. We have screechage. This guy is a chump. The Gay Chris Isaak smiles, and the judges are speechless.

Randy the Dawg says it was a bit dramatic... but loved it anyway. Kara the New Hotness uses about 58 adjectives for him. Paula pees herself. Simon the Cowell loved it as well.

My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta... The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen... The Widower Danny Gokey... Matty G... The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert


Here's Nina's version, complete with the scatting at the end. Masterful. Turn it up. Enjoy.

I Left My Idol in San Francisco

Though I didn't plan on watching any of The Messiah's coronation, I DVR'ed it... you know, in case anything happened. No, no, I wasn't hoping for something, I wasn't wishing for a big whatever to happen, but I wanted it on tape in case... well, things went bad.

I got home from a full day at The Happiest Place in the Mall, and also a shift at Starbucks, and before I watched American Idol, I figured I would flip through some of the inauguration ceremony. After throwing up in my mouth twice, peeling back three fingernails and getting a migraine from rolling my eyes during President Obama's speech, I decided it was time for something else.

Just so we're clear... Condi Rice, Thomas Sowell, Clarence Thomas and Colin Powell paved the way for our first Half-Black President... and they were skewered in the media. They were slaughtered in the papers. They were called "Uncle Toms" and "Whitey Lovers" and more. So... Barack Obama doesn't impress me. Furthermore, I've tried to root for him. But I cannot. To root for Barack Obama to succeed means wishing that all he stands for will succeed. And I want everything he stands for to utterly fail. Because if he fails, that means conservatism, and America, will succeed. I wish the man well, I hope our country doesn't fall apart, but I cannot and will not cheer for the accomplishments former (very few) or future of President Obama, not because he's black, but because what he stands for is wrong.

Sorry. I had to rant for just a minute. Whew.

This.

Is American Idol!

Here we are in The City By the Bay, that being San Francisco! Already, the previews look less than promising, with a silly laughing girl, another struggling to get out "larynx" and still another heartwarming (re: sob story) tale of a guy who "needs this!".

But, on the flip side... McPheever started here in San Francisco. Kat McPhee, one of my favorite idols. She's no Pickles, though. I love Pickles!

Randy, Simon, Kara and Paula are ready, and here comes said silly laughing girl, in a silly flowing dress with a Mexican accent. Her name is Tatiana. She just saw a psychic who told her that she would make it to the Top 12. And they play her laugh over and over... its pretty bad.

"I desire to be the American Idol more than anyone wanted anything," she says. Thats a pretty broad statement. I mean, I am sure Erin the Marine Wife wants her husband home, I'm sure KT would love to NOT be at work right now (I'm assuming that is when she's reading this), I'm pretty positive that The Lovely Steph Leann would rather be asleep... and I had Zaxby's for dinner, so I'm pretty sure I would like to visit the bathroom, all more than Tatiana wants the Idol crown. Where was I even going with this?

Tatiana comes in and hands off her portfolio photos and music. And she's taking on Aretha. The way the show was setting this chick up, I expected her to be terrible... and she's actually not that bad. However... Simon doesn't like her--and so without another word, Tatiana starts singing Whitney. Simon starts talking again, and she starts singing again. Paula pipes up to say yes. Randy says yes. Kara says no. Paula says yes, Tatiana gets the Golden Ticket. And she laughs on the way out. That's quite annoying, actually.

Nick, a bad beatboxer (and I mean bad like really crappy, not bad as in early Michael Jackson), totally bombs out. Dean Anthony Bradford, a self proclaimed "failed entrepenuer", is wearing this gawd-awful jacket, hoping to impress. He seems like a funny enough guy... but can he sing? Let's find out!

The answer? No. The Lovely Steph Leann is actually upstairs asleep right now as I watch this on DVR, so I will reach over and grab the blanket and cover my own face. The judges show mercy upon America and reject DA Bradford.

Jesus Valenzula is up... I mean, his name is Jesus! Hay-suess is how we Mexicans pronounce it, though. Though it might be cool to see him get through to the Top 12, just to see people hold signs that say "Vote for Jesus!" He comes with like, 27 people, which I'm sure all are in the same car... hey, hey, yes, I made a joke... I'm half Mexican, so I can riff on the stereotypes, okay? But YOU can't. So there.

Simon says no way. His kids come in with him at the request of Paula and Kara, and one of them is holding a sign that says "Make No Excuse, Its Hollywood for Jesus!" That's kinda funny. Randy, Kara and Paula send him through. He doesn't make it past the Hollywood round, that's my prediction.

Dalton has this talent for doing the Rubik's cube really fast. Bailey Turnbow, the son of The 47th Coolest Thing of 2008, can do it better. I've seen the kid in action. He actually showed me his Rubik's Steroid Monster last week, its like a 12 sided cube that...

Oh, so Dalton is doing his Rubik's thing, and finishes in 24 seconds. I used to peel off the stickers to impress Janet, the cute girl that lived upstairs in our Austin, TX, apartment building. She was a year older than I, and I haven't actually seen her in about 27 years and I'm saying this to distract myself from the butchery of "Baby Baby" by Smokey Robinson & the Miracles. Wow. Terrible.

Another bad voice, with one guy who keeps going after everyone tells him to stop. Idol now shows us clips from The Summer of Love, 1967, how San Fran played a big role in the music scene.

But now... here in San Francisco, Simon and Kara go at it like Simon and Paula. Aaaaaand here comes Akilah, who has a folder full of papers showing training plans for singing, maps and charts of the human vocal system, which includes "the lar-nax" and the "tray-chee-uh". Or "tray-she-uh". And there is a "distinctive sound to my voice". This will be frightening. I feel bad for the pretty blonde sitting next to her in line.

These are moments that I want The Lovely Steph Leann next to me on the couch. Her reaction right now would be priceless.

Akilah has an original song called "Make Sweet Love". Okay... um... I'm going to take an entire paragraph to try to relate what I'm seeing, but here goes... so you know, in the movie "The Ring", this underrated horror flick from like, 2002, where Samara the dead girl is coming out of the television... she does this weird stop-motion kind of walk thing, like they removed the frame of film between this step and that step, so its not a fluid walk, its like she immediately moves from one step to the next... Akilah's jaw is doing that. Its weird.

Like, I want to laugh, but at the same time, I'm terrified. What if Akilah's jaw comes out of the television and renders me dead like Samara did with that Noah guy? The song "Make Sweet Love" is terrible... and she's not really all that bad... until she does "Natural Woman". Aretha belongs up there with Whitney, Mariah and Stevie. Don't. Just don't.

They shut her down, she begs for more music, and Akilah's jaw begs for help. The charts don't help, and apparently her lar-nax is not helping her tray-chee-uh. Please, for the love, get her off the screen! She tries to sing another one!

Akilah's jaw just said, "I shouldn't have let Simon, Paul and Randy, and Kira, though I don't even know Kira, whoever she is, I shouldn't have let Simon, Paul and Randy era... era... e-rack-ti-tate me." Eractitate. I don't know what that even means, but I think I'm going to use that. She wasn't being "true to my own true self".

Finally! They show someone good... singing Stevie! Another good one, singing Aretha! Another good one, digging on some Dusty Springfield! Yay!

Annie Murdoch is trying on "Summertime" from "Porgy & Bess", a show I know very little about. But to all you aspiring Idol'ers... you should never, ever, never, ever sing this song. You will ALWAYS be compared to Fantasia's performance in Season 2. Of course Annie is just terrible so it doesn't matter.

If David Cook and Rob Thomas had a love child together, it might be this kid coming up, Adam Lambert. He's singing "Bohemian Rhapsody", and nailing it. Randy likes him. Kara likes him. Paula likes him. Simon likes him. Off to Hollywood for Adam Cook Thomas.

Oh geez, backstory. Here's Kai Kalama, the last of the day. He works as a musician at night, because he takes care of his mom during the day, his mom being afflicted with a seizure disorder. Mom feels a little guilty because Kai is sacrificing, and in the background, we hear Israel Kalawoeaookale'loeoalleo'owele's version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow". Tears all around.

Kai is going to sing The Platters' "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes"... and predictably, he's good. I couldn't imagine, after that story, this guy sucking. The judges tell him a big yes, but tell him to work on showmanship and be more confident.

After all that, only 12 get the Hollywood call... and tomorrow night, its off to the races as Idol, and Clouds In My Coffee, goes to Churchhill Downs, Kentucky, home state of The Goddess!

It's Idol Time 2009, Part II (guest starring The Lovely Steph Leann)

Its the next night of the "2 night premier", which is really Fox's way of saying "we're going to have 2 episodes, but make sure we lump them together so that you can't miss a minute of all of it for more ad revenue!"

This.

Is American.

Idol.

Kansas City, home of David Cook... I'm here, its late, we're watching it on DVR, "we" being Yours Truly and The Lovely Steph Leann, blanket in hand, ready to cover her face when appropriate.

By the way, its Missouri, not Kansas, so get it right. The Dreadlocked One, Jason Castro, is here, because his brother is auditioning today. KT thinks he's legally handicapped, but The Lovely Steph Leann loves him.

Backstory! Right outta the gate... its Chelsea, talking about how powerful her voice is. And... The Lovely Steph Leann gasps. And I gasp. And Chelsea is awful, slaughtering Mariah's version of "Without You". Simon squints. "Make her stop" is the call from across the room, said at a painful whisper. Then, loudly, "PLEASE!!!" I kinda feel back for this chick, cause really, with her backstory she was sharing, it had us fooled... we thought she might be pretty good. And... no.

How does she have all these chick friends waiting for her, surprised she didn't make it! What were they telling her??

Ashley Anderson sings Leona Lewis, "Footprints in the Sand" though she sings "footsteps". Clever girl, as the song was co-written by Simon Cowell. Of course, if you change a comma to an apostrophe, you get a "co-written" credit. And she gets through, as well she should.

And we're back, with a commercial/ad with David Cook. Erin the Marine Wife is going nuts right about now.

Simon says, "I like Kansas alot". Remember what I said above.

Casey Carlson sings, "A Thousand Miles" by Vanessa Carlton, and really good. One of my top 100 favorite songs ever, by the way. Shut up Wookiee, its a good song. Though when I sing it, I have to add in the piano tunes as well. It used to be my ringtone, actually. I said shut up, Wookiee! Casey makes it. I think she'll make the Top 12.

If Joey Fatone, the cool N*Sync'er not named Justin, gained about 40 pounds, he'd be this next guy. Complete with bad chest hair and strange leotard thing going on. Brian, his name, though it doesn't really matter, is destroying "Think" by Aretha. The Lovely Steph Leann has her face partially covered. It was terrible. Entertaining, but different. He actually says people compare him to Josh Groban and Michael McDonald... and of course, he starts singing, hoping against hope that they will say, "Whoa!? That's awesome! We change our minds!"

Now, a montage of crying contestants who sucked. One girl is screaming and stamping her feet. And screaming. And screaming.

Has "The Simpsons" really been on for twenty years?

And now people come up, trying to take familiar favorites and put their own twists on them... a'la David Cook doing Bon Jovi. Randy hides his eyes while some guy that I'm sure I saw Chris Hansen nail on "To Catch a Predator" kills X'tina's "Reflection".

Backstory! Von Smith, who attempts things no one attempts to sing--his words, not mine. "Over the Rainbow" is his song of choice. He clears his voice, clears it again, and then belts it out. This guy is no Kat McPhee. He's going for a "look what I can do!" instead of a "I can sing!". The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up, "Gah, I would have hated to be in that room." He actually sounded decent when he wasn't screaming. The judges love his instrument, as they call it. So, dope voice and all (Randy), he goes to Hollywood.

Now, The Brother of The Dreadlocked One comes up for audition. Michael Castro, short hair, all spiked and pinkish... Melissa Clark, the Official Clouds in My Coffee Stylist, would be horrified. "In Love With the Girl" by Gavin DeGraw is his choice. Not too bad, he sounds like he could rock it out if he had to, perhaps when his vocals will be overtaken by the band. Simon says "good-ish". And just like that, The Brother of the Dreadlocked One gets through to Hollywood.

Here's another series of bad contestants. Guy in a yellow suit singing "Do You Want a Banana". That's an example.

Backstory! Gotee'd, bald dude with a wife and kid, he sings, he plays guitar, he's ready! Matt is a welder, and like everyone else in the entire world, he's been singing since he was a child. But he admits he wants to be successful to provide for his family. "Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers... one of my 100 favorites. And, truthfully, I like this guy. Great version. Very raspy, though I can't help but picture Hugh Grant walking through Notting Hill in the film of the same name, in one of the best scenes ever. Though Randy says no, Simon and the chicks say yes, so Matt heads to Hollywood.

This chick is something something, but goes by the nickname Jazz. (Jasmine is her name). The Lovely Steph Leann says about the death of "Over the Rainbow": "She's scary". And she is. The Lovely Steph Leann twitches, which was honestly kinda funny. So, would the things at the bottom of her arms be called... "Jazz Hands"? Just fyi. The judges are silent, Jazz leaves.

Jessica, with guitar and a backstory, is actually kinda cute. Glasses, personality, old strange grandmother (though KT has my fave grandma of all... dementia does that). I want her to be good... please, please, please... "Crybaby" by Janis Joplin is her weapon of choice. She's really not singing it so much as she's talking loudly, in rhythm. Screaming worked for Von, so it works for Jessica Paige Furney too.

Lots of people in line just met, another lots of people came together... including the sisters who are auditioning together. And... they are rapping together. They say they are talented. India and Asia are their names... they are actually kinda funny, entertaining... rapping about a song called "Steal Your Cookies", dedicated to Randy. The jokes over, Asia sings for real... well, not for real. India sings next, much much better. By the way, they are funny together, because one is really big, one is really small. And India gets the yellow ticket. And dey mama just molest Ryan she did.

Jamar Rogers is up next, doing "California Dreamin'", another one of my favorites. Screaming again. This is where my tone hard of hearing comes in... I ask The Lovely Steph Leann, "Is he any good?" and she sighs and says, "I think they'll like him.". She's relieved when Kara says he was a big over the top--but he goes through.

Now, Jamar's best buddy Danny comes in. "Oh no, there's a backstory," I groan, and The Lovely Steph Leann chuckles, "Of course there is a backstory. Its American Idol." Danny has had an emotional sacrifice... his wife died a month ago. What? Holy poo... this is rough! He's on camera, tearing up, the few people around him are tearing up... "I Heard It Through the Grapevine" by Marvin Gaye is what he belts out... and I like him better than the other guy, Jamar. And they love the guy.

And he goes the wrong way to get out. The Lovely Steph Leann: "Is it so hard to go back the way you came in? I mean, the door is right there!"

Someone who looks an ugly Ambre Lake kills some song so bad Simon just laughs. Another one kicks Mariah Carey in the face. Another guy... wait, its a girl, belches out something. Oh, its old school Loretta Lynn's "Not Woman Enough (to take my man)".

"Thank You" by Boyz II Men is what Anoop Mamood Admadeinjad is singing. Or whatever his name is. Yes, I heard Pastor Calvin's lesson, shut up. Anyway, he's really good. And they are calling him Anoop Dogg. There's a nickname I don't have to make up, at least.

A pasty white girl is taking on Stevie. And another girls teeth almost came out of the screen and tried to kill me.

Can you imagine how hard it is for a producer on this show? All the people go through the producers first, and they make the decision to who to send in front of the judges... good and bad. You have to show impartiality, possibly making people who can't sing thing they can because they made it through. I'm thinking when I started putting syringes between my fingers, they'd notice something was up.

Oh, its a montage of costumes... ninjas, rabbits, cowgirls, pimps, chickens... and cheerleaders. They are doing a cheer for the next contestant, Andrew. This cannot be good for his prospects, at least with Simon. He's going to be singing "My Girl" by The Temptations. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but it wasn't great. Randy says yes, then Paula asks him to sing something else... he sings "Ain't Too Proud to Beg", Paula tells him he's too theatrical, and then Randy changes his vote. That has to be a first...

Asa is a band director, musical and ready to go. Backstory! Kind of remindes me of the teacher guy, Anwar, from years ago. "The Way You Make Me Feel" by Michael Jackson (again, good, not as creepy MJ) is his song, and he's getting it on. Go Asa! One of my favorite contestants so far this season...

Michael Nicewonder is coming up, wearing a medal that he won in vocals in elementary school, with a fortune cookie fortune slip taped to the back. "My mother doesn't think I can sing, but I'm gonna prove her wrong". He's going to sing an original song. I just chewed my tongue. The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up, "Generally if your mom tells you you can't sing... she's showing you love..."

And he's crying. He's seriously crying. The tears don't make it past his cheek, though, as his front teeth's gravitational pull draws them in.

Dennis is going to sing "With You" by Chris Brown. And it was boring and goofy and terrible. And Simon says he didnt like it, so what to do? Well, sing another one. Of course. When that fails, tell them its your dream, and how you can sing much better when you aren't so nervous. Simon says no, Paula says yes. Randy says yes. And Kara says yes. This guy won't make it past Hollywood ("and neither will Bikini Girl," says The Lovely Steph Leann)

Another montage of people who didn't make it. A few are crying, a few are not. Then more who did make it, cheering and laughing. And then there is Mia. We know she doesn't make it from the "You gonna be sorry Simon, cause I was gonna be the next American Idol!" before the break. And now, she's executing "Lovin' You" by Minnie Riperton. I mean, brutal. The Lovely Steph Leann looks up and me, closes her eyes and shakes her head. When Simon says no, she keeps singing, all the way up to the high pitch note. And even though they all say no, emphatically, she goes after Simon in her post-interview. "You made the wrong choice, and God's gonna get you". Then she curses.

Backstory! I haven't heard her sing yet, but I can tell Lil Rounds is going to make the Top 36. Lil lost her house in a tornado, so her family has been staying in a Weekly Suite place. She treads onto dangerous territory, doing Stevie, and she does it... well. Very well. They love her. I thought she was great too.

Thus ends another night of American Idol recaps. And they ruin the moment by using Fantasia's screeching voice as the background music. Twenty six are going to Hollywood from American Idol's stop in Kansas City.

By the way, I love love love Hollywood Week. Seriously. Its so freakin' nuts.

Off to bed with ya now.

The 100 Coolest Things of 2007... 100 to 91

Here's the Intro...

#100... Michelle Carr. She's a lifelong missionary, and leads a blessed, faith filled life that most--including myself--could only dream of. My friend Michelle has one of those kind of lives that, when God calls her home, Jesus will say, simply, "Well done, my good and faithful servant. Well done." And that makes her cool in any year.

#99. "The Myth of You and Me" by Leah Stewart. Yeah, its kind of a chick book, or at least, a book about friendship. But its sweet. Its the story of a lifelong friendship, one involving Cameron and Sonia, and its a friendship that has its ups and downs... notably a devastating betrayal by one and a refusal to forgive by the other. I found myself enthralled in the book, a short one that was knocked out in two days, and was happy after I finished it. Then I went and set something on fire just to feel manly.

#98. Tony Dungy. He's the coach of the Indianapolis Colts, who won the Super Bowl. It was his players in Tampa Bay that Chucky won the Super Bowl with back several years ago (2002?) and finally, Dungy took Peyton & the Colts to this years championship. However, its not what he did, it's how he observed it. The hype was all about how Dungy, and Lovie Smith, coach of the Chicago Bears and the Colt's opponent, were the first two black coaches to face off in a Super Bowl... and after the game was over, here's what Dungy had to say about that:

“I’m proud to be representing African-American coaches… to be the first African-American to win this…But again, more than anything, Lovie Smith and I are not only the first two African-Americans, but Christian coaches, showing that you can win doing it the Lord’s way, we’re more proud of that.”


You can read more, and see videos too, at this website I found.

#97. The Air Supply Infomercial. Flipping channels late at night, I stumbled upon the guys from Air Supply. Yeah, that one, the crooners of what I think is the pinnacle of Soft Rock Cheese, "Making Love Out of Nothing At All". Anyway, there they are, hocking the greatest soft rock in history, 11 CDs, 168 songs, and a low examination fee of only $9.95! (You can order here, if I just sold you... personally, I don't know how they got into Paula Maddox's LP collection, but hey...). But its so bad, its so corny, its so filled with cliche and bad music, you can't turn away. Its like... a wreck on tv. You're glued. Its the only infomercial I think I've ever (conscience) watched twice. Wanna see it? I know you do... here is a sample on You Tube, complete with a Gino Vannelli sighting.

#96. Katharine McPhee. That's right. I've still got McPheever. And after a lame season of American Idol, and the flop that is Taylor Hicks national career & autobiography, Katharine still shines. Her album is actually pretty good, with some catchy pop tunes (I mean, don't expect to hear "Singer-Songwriter" used often, this isn't Carole King) and her videos are fun too. Plus, she's in my Top 10 Hottest Chicks of 2007 Not Named Steph Leann or Ashley Judd.

You give me McPheever... McPheever when you hold me tight... McPheever! McPheever in the morning, McPheever all through the night

#95. "Surf's Up". I didn't expect to like this movie, and to be honest with you, the only reason I even saw it was the fact it was the free movie attached to the double feature at the Argo Drive In, when we went to see "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer". And you know what? "Surf's Up" was better than FF:RofSS. It was fun. And funny. And well done. Perhaps its just the Year of the LaBeouf, as the great voices included Shia, Jeff Bridges, Zooey Deschanel and a hysterical turn from Jon Heder as Chicken Joe. Some of it is filmed in "documentary style", which is fun since its an animated film about the Penguin Surfing Championships. Check it out. You'll notice that "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer", though fun, didn't make the 100 Coolest Things of 2007 list, while "Surf's Up" did.

#94. NYCJenni. She was #31 last year, and still makes the list, albeit at #94. Why did she slip? We just haven't talked that much in the latter half of the year, but I still had to include her because we did talk. NYCJenni, one of my favorite blog characters, still has a great shot of making it back in the Top 50 in 2008.


#93. Amy Adams. I didn't rank her higher only because, though I noticed her in "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby", I didn't really pay attention to her until "Enchanted". Now, I've got "Junebug" and "Cruel Intentions 2" on my Blockbuster queue to check out her other works. I look forward to being fascinated with her for about two more months before I move on.


#92. "Love Song" by Sara Bareilles. Clever pop song by newcomer Bareilles, all about a girl who's trying to write a song about her man, but since she's been wronged, she's not going to write him a love song... and ends up writing him a long song. Isn't it ironic... don't you think? Fun song, good beat, snappy little tune. I dig it.

#91. "Knocked Up". Its raw and raunchy, much like the new Hollywood Gang of Seth Rogan, Judd Apatow, Paul Rudd, Leslie Mann and the like are making their movies. And somehow, it works. Starring Rogan and Katherine Heigl (who was in the Top Ten Hottest Chicks of 2007 Not Named Steph Leann or Ashley Judd until I found out she was a smoker, and that ruined it for me), its a family friendly comedy about two people who get way wasted and have a one night stand--for a dork like Ben Stone (Rogan), it would take alcohol to get someone like Alison (Heigl) to sleep with him. And lo and behold, she ends up pregnant.

I'll be honest with you.... this movie was hysterical. Even the Lovely Steph Leann liked it, though she gave her famous "...but I don't want that movie in my house". (see also: Superbad, American Pie 1 thru 3, The Phantom Menace--no one blames her on the last one)

I really like the fact she doesn't consider abortion, and what really makes this movie is the entire ensemble cast, including Leslie Mann, Jonah Hill (who went on to star in "Superbad") and the funny, funny, FUNNY Paul Rudd.

Coming up... The singer of that 1-2-3-4 Apple song... a canceled Fox show... the hottest travel host ever... and K-Dub

Idol's End

Here we are... the last night of Idol. And it's time for the running diary...

702pm... Out comes a dashing Carrie Underwood, followed by Taylor and My Girl Mcphee, then all the rest of the ousted Idols, all dressed in white. They are singing some crap that would be perfect to go with last night's crap, "My Destiny" and "Proud of Me"

703pm... Random Heather Locklear and Ben Stiller cameo. At least its not David Spade... how did that all happen?

705pm... A compilation of Randy Jackson's vocabulary, consisting of these words: "Dude", "yo" and "We got a hot one tonight" (not to be confused with "America! We got a hot one tonight!"). Paula's compilation is next, filled with kittens and cleavage. Finally, its Simon's turn. And its funny.

707pm... Todd Bridges again? Where's Gary Coleman??

708pm... A report from the BJCC, featuring ousted semi-finalist Becky O'Donahuge (sp?) and her twin... why them? Oh yippee... they are bringing back all the finalists to sing (gotta fill two hours somehow), and first is Annoying Paris (complete with her Patti LaBelle hair). She's singing with Al Jarreau, all in pimp gear.

712pm... Okay, so the Fed Ex commercial with the cavemen is on. I love this commercial... if only because the couldn't-care-less boss caveman grunts "Not my problem" when he fires the other caveman. The other caveman walks out, and gets stomped on by a dinosaur--but not before he kicks a small dinosaur. Classic. Almost as funny as that silly Geico commercial where the guy says "Its so easy, a caveman could do it". Cut to the dinner table at the swanky restaurant, where he's apologizing to the two caveguys. One orders "roast duck with the mango salsa", while the other says "I don't have much of an appetite, thank you". Then smirks. Classic.

7:15pm... Ah, its Idols with their Idols... which is why Daughtry is now singing with Live. I can't believe Ed Kowalcyzk agreed to this. You gotta think at the next Bonneroo, Live's cred is pretty much shot.

719pm... a Video called "Puck & Pickler", featuring Wolfgang Puck, the famous chef, and Pickles, who has cut her hair. I'm a big fan of short hair (re: Stephanie Dollar), but I liked Pickles with long hair. Anyway, Puck is teaching Pickles about famous, expensive food, as a result of the "didn't know what Calamari incident earlier this year. He's making her eat es cargo--snails--which she's resisting. I liked es cargo.

722pm... My Girl McPhee is singing a Celine Dion song with... no, not Celine. Meatloaf. Yes, that one. I'm not sure I even have a joke here.

723pm... Okay, now that I've regained my thoughts after seeing Meat Loaf and My Girl McPhee onstage singing "Its All Coming Back to Me Now" by Celine Dion, plus My Girl McPhee's dress, let me address this. The words "When you touch me like this..." sung to Meat Loaf is just weird. And creepy. Meat Loaf's hit in 1993, "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)" has a video that is almost exactly like "It's All Coming Back to Me Now".

724pm... You CANNOT convince me that Meat Loaf is My Girl McPhee's idol. No way. Oh, and apparently, he's got "Bat Out of Hell III" coming out. This is after the 1970s album "Bat Out of Hell", which spawned hits like "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights" and "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad", and 1993's "Bat Out of Hell II: Back Into Hell", which gave us the aforementioned "I Would Do Anything For Love". I wonder where the Bat is going in III?

730pm... A little clip called "The Golden Idol Awards". Steph said "Talk about filler...". Of course, its a mocking video... the first award is "Best Female Vocal", and they just showed Cierra Johnson, who was AWFUL in the auditions. Then Kristen Pryzkyzyyzky, who had the rugged suntan. And for "Male Vocal", there's Derek Dupree with pit stains the size of my head... and thats a big head.

735pm... And there's "Dancin'" Dave Hoover, the guy who just jumped and screamed all during the audition, and somehow got a golden ticket to Hollywood. He's jumping all over the stage. Ryan says "Bring on the mace"

740pm... More "Puck N Pickler". I have a feeling this will be a running gag through the show.

742pm... Here's Chicken Little, Bucky... Bucky... Elliott Yahmean, Daughtry and Steph's Man Ace with the Ace Hair all singing BTO's "Taking Care of Business". They didn't. Thats why Taylor is in the finals. Ha! Speaking of, here he comes, on the harmonica. Now they transition into "Tobacco Road", which only Bucky, Daughtry and Taylor look remotely comfortable singing.

744pm... Fleetwood Mac? If you look in the back of the Kodak Theater, you'll see the words conveniently on the teleprompter. Those Fox guys are so helpful.

750pm... Ryan just matter-of-factly handed My Girl McPhee and Taylor hands to new Ford Mustangs. You'd think they'd be more excited. Now, more Golden Idol Awards, this time "Proudest Family Moment". Elliott Yahmean's old mom wins. This leads to Elliott performing with... no one. He's singing "One" by U2. Don't tell me Bono is coming out.

753pm... Oh, here comes Mary J. Blige. Okay, so Idols performing with their own Idols is now not true. Currently, she's singing more of the song, as well as better, than Elliott. She's got his hand, pumping the fist, and making him look like one awkward white boy.

801pm... Hey, its Carrie Underwood, fresh off of 2 country awards. One for best new artist, one for "Jesus Takes the Wheel". She looks hot. And she's a Christian. Which means she's a righteous babe. Ha!

806pm... Hilarious little clip featuring Ronetta Johnson, and her very, very foul mouth. You had to see the original show back in January.

807pm... Taylor Hicks is singing "In the Ghetto" with Toni Braxton. Did they just draw who is singing with who out of a hat?

812pm... Shania Twain song alert! Here are all the chicks... Lisa Turtle, My Girl McPhee, Mandisa, Annoying Paris, Pickles and of course, Melissa "Does Anyone Know who I Am?" McGhee.

817pm... So, if next year, Alabama, or Birmingham specifically, has no connections to anyone in the Idol top 12, will this area even care about American Idol? I mean, we've had Ruben, Bo, even Diana--whom it was a stretch, but she did live her for the first year of her 17 years--and now Taylor...

821pm... Clay Aiken. Right now, I'm losing it. Clay Aiken.... Clay Aiken!

822pm... So, they gave out the award for Best Impersonation, and the winner was Michael Sandecki, who did one heck of an awful Clay Aiken impersonation. So, Sandecki comes out, Ryan asks him to sing, and he starts into "Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me", and its AWFUL. And here comes Clay Aiken. So, Sandecki turns around, almost faints and freaks out. Clay is singing, and now he's got longer hair. Steph said "I like his hair, but its too long... he should trim it for his gay self." Then Steph looks at me and quietly says "Oh, he is gay, right?"

826pm... Ryan just said the words "Burt Bacharach", "Tribute" and "Here are your Idols". This might be where I go to the bathroom.

828pm... Ace Young. You can't convince me that Michael Bolton didn't look like that when he was 24.

828pm... Melissa McGhee had better make the most of this appearance... after this season, she goes the way of Julia DeMato, Vanessa Oliveraz and Charles Grigsby. Who, you ask? Exactly.

833pm... Chicken Little is singing "Whats New, Pussycat?", made famous by 60s sex god Tom Jones. I'm guessing the producers were laughing their heads off when they decided to do this to poor Kevin Covais. And now, two names I thought would never go together... "Chris Daughtry" and "Christopher Cross". Annoying Paris is now singing The Carpenters. Stephanie is very happy. And now.. its Dionne Warwick.

835pm... What kind of comedy would it be to have Dionne go "My psychic friends network told me the winner would be..."? I had an algebra teacher named Mrs. Maund, a little white woman. Dionne and Mrs. Maund look alike. I actually called her the White Warwick. I'm just sayin'.

837pm... I was hoping it wouldn't come to this (and I'll be the majority of the Idols were too), but she just busted out "What's What Friends are For". Daughtry better get back stage and beat the crap out of Chicken Little just to preserve his cred, otherwise Fuel is gong to retract their "be our lead singer" offer. I hate this song. Always have.

844pm... They are reshowing "Brokenote Mountains", featuring Cowboy Garet--a hilarious sooof with two hicks and a black dude that made it to the second round... but no further. And here they come, singing "Mommas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys". Funny, funny stuff.

848pm... In a bizarre twist, Prince just came out. And it looks like he got his jacket back from Taylor last night. I mean, talk about your filler...

850pm... I am wondering why they've never done a Prince night on Idol, but it occured to me that most of his songs are pretty dirty, and at least innuendous... "Little Red Corvette", "Raspberry Beret"... you don't want to know what those songs are about.

854pm... Just went to the blogcounter website to see why my blog counter wasn't working... it told me I've jumped about 40 hits in the last three hours. You guys rock. Its nice to know I've had some views. So, who are you?

856pm... Taylor is being forced to sing "I've Had the Time Of My Life" from Dirty Dancing. Now My Girl McPhee is joining in... okay, okay, I like this song. Leave me alone.

856pm... "Nobody puts Baby in the corner" (if you don't get that, Google it)

858pm... Okay, here we go... the winner is...

859pm... 63.4 million votes came in last night... thats like the number of hits on Scott Latta's Sporting News blogsite!

859pm... And the winner is... Taylor Hicks. Soul Patrol! Soul Patrol! Awww... Taylor is about to cry... that's good stuff. Heck, even David Hasselhoff is crying. Who knew they had some Hasselhizzle in the House?

900pm... Oh man... Taylor is ruining the night by singing that suck "Proud of Me" song. Perhaps I'll turn it off and relish his win happily.

902pm... Okay, thanks for indulging me tonight... and this season. Now I gotta find something else to write about.