to campbell, on your 12th birthday

 Dear Campbell,

I don't understand the math, but somehow you are 12 years old today. You were born in 2011, so if I used all of my fingers, plus two more, counting to this year... yep, 12.  Wow.

So, I read my letter from last year, and I sort of cheated you out of a good note, and for that I'm sorry. I didn't take the time you were owed to share my thoughts with you - I apologize, kid.  So let's hope this one is a little better.

It's been one crazy year - they all seem to be - and maybe I'll say the same thing year after year, but you have grown so much. Your vocabulary is grown by leaps and bounds, not only in what you say, but what you spell out - your thoughts on kindness, on Jesus, on faith, on your love for us and understanding how much we love you... it's mind blowing. 

Lot of growing up for you too this year... finally, at Alabama Splash Adventure park, you got to ride the roller coasters by yourself... I asked you, "Do you want to ride by yourself, or do you want me to ride with you?" you'd say quickly, "By myself."

Your independence is coming, dude. I feel it. 

Of course, I still love the fact you like hanging out with me. Our weekly Saturday afternoon adventures are always memorable, and something I look forward to - our weekly stops at the Joyful Bakery, at Whole Foods, sometimes a Wal-mart, occasionally the mall, and of course, "Homewood Target".  Why? "The elevator!"  You sit in the cart, I wheel you around and get my own steps in, we look at Thomas stuff, books, clothes, Legos, and everything else in our Target trip... though admittedly, soon, you'll be too big for the cart and will be walking everywhere.  Your mom is feeling that now while you are in Disney World with she and GG, because even though we get you the special needs stroller that is larger, it can only hold you for so long.  So, kid, be prepared to walk everywhere soon... though if I'm honest, I think that's what you'd prefer anyway. 

Let's talk music... a few services like Spotify have this thing where they tell you the artists you listen to the most - we don't do Spotify, but we do Apple Music, and I gotta be honest, it's a little annoying because it's all YOU dude.

I mean, seriously. I'm not listening to 
"Rolling in the Deep" 281 times without
some sort of outside coercion

(Pardon me, Campbell, while I explain to the audience what I mean... so each night, as part of our bedtime routine, we listen to music as we get him ready for bed.  Campbell has picked the playlist, and while the first song has rotated some -- we've had Morgan Wallen's "Last Night" and "Before He Cheats" from Carrie Underwood and "Africa" by Toto and Harry Style's "Satellite" to name a few, we are currently on Gotye's "Somebody That I Used to Know"

The other three songs are staples... "Levitating" by Dua Lipa, featuring the rap by DaBaby, which I of course have to sing... I'm not kidding, it's his request... and then "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele... and finally, "How to Save a Life" by The Fray.  After music, we do our Bible story, but 1 or 2 times per week, we skip the story and do a fifth song, "Your Song" by Elton John.  I like that one, because I get to sing the line "you are the sweetest kid... I've ever seen...". Then we turn out the lights, say our prayers, and go to sleep)

So, because of your songs every night, my Top Ten played was dominated by YOUR music... including "Rolling in the Deep", "Levitating", "How to Save a Life", "Break My Heart" by Dua Lipa (also originally on the rotation before being moved out), and "Your Song".  We have to get to the 9th song on the list before we get to a song that wasn't or isn't on your list - "Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry.  Which you'd like that one too if I'd let you have a 6th song. 

ALL that said... I LOVE that you love music. I love that you love piano, that you listen to everything, that you enjoy dcTalk as well as Taylor Swift as well as Elton John, and even some Will.I.Am, though thats from the "Rio" soundtrack.

Your movies this year?  After a year or two of not paying any attention to it, you cycled back to "Rio 2", which has become almost a daily watch... this, of course, was after a few months of daily "Encanto", which followed a few months of daily "Moana", and it's still fun to not only hear you sing the songs, but actually quote lots of dialogue.  

TV? You're still all about GameShow Network, loving you some Cash Cab and Family Feud and American Says ("host John Michael Higgins!") and People Puzzler and much more, though you'll settle in with your mom on the couch and watch Hallmark... granted you have your iPad in hand, volume on, snuggled up so close to her you are almost under her, which led her to start using captions on the TV, but still. 

Okay, last thing before I go... I want to offer you some advice as you grow and finish your elementary school career and head to middle school next year... Campbell, always let kindness carry you. Always.

One of the things we’ve really picked up on this year is your empathetic nature, which is going to be a blessing, and a curse as you grow up. You’re ability, your nature to take on the pain of others, and to feel what they feel, is a remarkable trait that not many people have. As you live your life, you’re going to be able to see and hear things, and know things about people that some other people will miss because they’re just not feeling the emotion of those around them. And God is going to use that gift tremendously to show compassion and care to so many people.

However, middle school is coming, and it’s going to be a gauntlet. This isn't to scare you, but to just remind you that it's something your mom dealt with, I dealt with, nearly all adults have dealt with... it can be wonderful, it can be fun, as you'll meet new people and make new friends and have new adventures that you've never had a chance to before... but it can also be hard.

But let kindness carry you. Not just in middle school, but everywhere you can. In every possible case, don’t just be nice, be kind. 

Sometimes that means saying or doing things that aren’t popular because it's the right thing, the kind thing to do.

Sometimes that means sticking with people who aren’t the best people in many other eyes because that's where kindness carries you. 

But kindness also doesn’t mean to roll over and let people walk all over you. As I've told you before, I want to prepare you for the fact that there are people out there who are just... well, mean. Doesn't mean Jesus doesn't love them - He does. Doesn't mean that we shouldn't love them - we should. But it also doesn't mean we have to like them or be around them.  We don't. 

As you grow up, you’ll have to discern when to stand and when to back down. 

Stick up for those people around you who cannot fight for themselves. Stick up for yourself. And hold close to those friends who will stick up for you. You have an army of older folks, parents, teenagers, friends who would be willing to fight every battle for you they can… But none of us can be there all the time. 

I want to remind you, it won’t be easy. But, I am there for you. Your mom is there for you. Your friends are there for you. And God will always be there for you in a way that none of us ever can be. 

Finally, Campbell, we live in a crazy world, a world where somebody who believes one thing gets super mad at somebody else who believes something different. 

 Campbell and his mom, taken not
long before I published this post. 
He loves Disney World SO MUCH

Our family believes in the death, and risen life of Jesus Christ,  and in that sacrifice, our sins, our bad deeds are covered. Everything we’ve ever done before, everything we ever will do, is covered under the sacrifice of Jesus.  Knowing you have accepted Jesus in your heart is a beautiful thing to us, an answered prayer from the day you were born.  

But there are many people out there who don’t believe that, and while we know and are positive of what we believe in, it is important to remember that we should never make fun of, or treat badly those who believe something different. 

No matter what people believe, they deserve respect. 

Sometimes people will treat you with disrespect, and you just walk away.  Jesus is in your heart and He will be there for you, that I can promise you. 

Okay, I've rambled on long enough. 

I love you so much, more than you can possibly imagine, and I pray every day that your mom and I can be good examples for you as you grow up - I hope you see and feel the love we have for you at all times. 

It's your birthday today, and your mom tells me you were enjoying a birthday burger at Sci-Fi Cafe in Hollywood Studios today, and honestly, it kinda made me a little sad that I wasn't there with you today. But I promise you, we'll enjoy a good meal on your birthday next year.  Of course, you'll be 13 and probably won't want to hang out with me because I'm not cool enough, but I'll try anyway. 

Your mom loves you, your GG and Pops love you, your aunts and uncles and cousins love you, your Granny Jan and PawPaw Randy love you - and Jesus loves you more than all of us put together, times a bajillion.  And that's a lot, my friend, a lot. 

I'll see you in a few days when you return home! 

Love always,

--Dad 

"to campbell on your 11th birthday" link is at the beginning of this post... here is the link "to campbell on your 10th birthday", and the rest of the letters are at the bottom of that post... 

in the early hours of fathers day

"...it's late at night and neither one of us are sleeping..." - "Just Take My Heart" by Mr. Big, 1991

Happy Father's Day and look, I still have a blog.

Ironic enough that I just spent the first hour or so of this, my 5th Father's Day (It's the 6th, if you count the pregnancy, which The Lovely Steph Leann does not, but I still want to give credence), getting my crying kid to go back to sleep.

The Lovely Steph Leann left earlier today to head to Salt Lake City for a Young Living convention, not to return until after next weekend... so that's a whole lot of Campbell & Daddy time between now and then.  (if you are one of those snakes who like to rob people when they think the home will be empty, just know I work from home, so joke's on you, loser).

Aunt Becky is scheduled to come into town for half of the week, but with her age and lack of mobility, that's really just an extra eye on the little guy while I get shower at a decent hour.  Hashtag unnecessary rhymes.

The afternoon has been fine... Campbell & I both had lunch, and while he played, I watched a movie ("The Death of Superman Lives", an excellent documentary on the ill fated attempt at a Superman revival in 1999 starring Nicholas Cage.  Yes, that Nic Cage).  In the early afternoon, he and I visited Let's Play, a local indoor play area, and then ran some errands to Wal-Mart and dinner.  He was pretty beat, which was according to plan, but I made him hold out until after I finished the documentary I was watching in the evening (Part 4 of the also excellent ESPN 30 for 30 film "OJ: Made in America"), and by 8ish, he was dead to the world.

For those of you who are reading this and are unfamiliar with my 4 year old, he's on the spectrum.  Most of his 4 years have been spent being rocked to sleep, so I thought I'd turn on some super daddy skillz tonight and after his bath, after putting on his pajamas, instead of rocking him, I just laid down with him in the bed.  It took him a little while to sleep, but sleep finally came... out like a little light.

I came downstairs, then knocked out the final part, Part 5, of the OJ doc, then cleaned up the kitchen a little bit... the usual, with dishes, getting food ready for tomorrow, dishes, spraying and wiping down counters and of course, dishes. All of this while starting on the final 8 hours of the 21 hour audiobook "Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows" (it's a race to the finish now, as I've gone through the other 6 books in the last few months, and their length is really slowing my pace to finish 43 books this year... it's mid-June and Deathly Hallows is only Book 16! Where was I?  Oh yes...)

The kitchen cleaned, I sat down in front of the laptop to open it for the very first time today and was just making a slight change on a Disney trip for a family (if you didn't know about Campbell, you probably didn't know I plan Disney trips for a living. #ShamelessPlug), and was listening intently as Harry was questioning Mr. Ollivander, the wandmaker, about the Elder Wand when... I heard crying.

I paused the iPod, left the laptop and everything on and ran upstairs.  There was Campbell, sitting up in bed, in pitch dark... the diffuser I had going earlier had gone out, so I fumbled for the small bathroom light to turn on.  I flipped the switch, and he just looked up at me with a pitiful look... sniffling, he reached out to me.

I got on the bed with him, stroked his hair, laid next to him and let him cry for a minute. What about, I have no idea.  See, Campbell can't tell us these things yet. He has no way of vocalizing if things hurt, if he's scared, if he doesn't feel good... all we can do is just comfort and make guesses.

I asked if he had to "go potty", and his body language said that while that wasn't making him cry, he could probably go about now.  We went to the bathroom, he went, and we came back to the bed.  I re-set the diffuser so it's light could replace the bathroom light, and could also fill the air with some oil that may help him if he was congested.  Then I lay back beside him.

And he cried and cried.  No tears, so I suppose it could be night terrors, or it could be hurting somewhere... or he could just decide that it was time to cry, right now.  I lay there with him as he cried and sometime screamed in my ear. I had some patience, but regrettably, it was wearing a little thin -- The Lovely Steph Leann is always so much better at this than I am. And she's gone.  I never resent her trips unless this happens, then I wish she'd never leave.

When I've rocked Campbell to sleep before, I usually will pray out loud for him.  I  pray for his health, I pray that he will find Christ in His timing, I pray for his development and I always pray that Campbell will begin talking -- not just the words that he can say here and there, or repeat back when we ask him to say something, but to actually communication.

This time, however, my prayers were a little more forceful. I challenged God. I asked God "Why won't you help him?  I'm not asking you to make him a typical child, or to suddenly increase his development, but You know You could snap your fingers and make him talk. You know You could blink Your eyes and he'd be asleep, without any pain he might feel right now.

God, I have a kid who can't even tell me and his mom that he loves us. I can't play LEGOs with him, I can't enjoy milk and Oreos with him, I can't take him to see Finding Dory, when I'm at Let's Play, I have to watch him even closer than most parents watch their kids because he doesn't understand whats appropriate around other kids... why won't You help him?  Why do You refuse to?!"

It's questions I think I've struggled with subconsciously for a while.  Just... why.  Keep the autism, that's fine, that's who he is and who God made him to be.  But just fix that part.  That talking part. Please.

It was at this moment I noticed Campbell was quiet. He had nestled into my left arm, which was holding him, with his head on my shoulder.  Even in the dim light, I could see Campbell's eyes open. Big, wonderment-filled eyes.  They looked around before finally looking straight into mine.  Campbell and I laid there, eyes locked for probably no more than 30 seconds, but it was enough.

And in those eyes, God spoke to me.

He said, "d$... your question to me is 'Why won't I help him?', but what you are really asking is... 'Why won't I help YOU?' He knows nothing of LEGOs and Oreos and movie theaters. These are all things YOU wish to experience with him, for him.  These are not bad things... in fact, they are wonderful things. But these are not things for the two of you to experience.  You will have your own experiences that other fathers and their children will know nothing about. Because this is the plan I have for him. And for you."

As I finished this blog post, I ran back up to take this pic... and he was in
the exact same spot that I left him. Cute little guy, ain't he.

And it made sense. It wasn't what I wanted to hear, but it did make sense.  And yes, selfishly, I want those things. But I learned many years ago -- though I still struggle with it constantly -- to not mourn what I'll be missing with Campbell, but to celebrate what I'll be getting, what me and The Lovely Steph Leann will have in our son.

Well... I'd love to tell you that Campbell went right on to sleep... but he didn't.  He rolled over, cried some more, jerked his whole body so that he essentially butt-punched me in the stomach, accidentally (I think) smacked me in the face, and cried a little more.  But finally... finally, he closed his eyes for the final time tonight (I hope) and was gone.

Which allowed me to come down here and shut everything down... allowed me to jot down my thoughts here before I did.  I've this is my 4th re-read of the Harry Potter series, so I know that Harry, Ron, Hermione and Griphook are about to take on Gringotts (#NerdAlert) so no need to continue that tonight.

Happy Father's Day to you fathers out there. Take a bow.  And to those who are mourning the loss of their own father, I grieve with you, as the man who raised me passed 16 years ago.  And to those fathers who have lost loved ones, I nod to you as well.

Dads... remember... this day is about you. But it's always about them.  And always will be.

(ps... because it's now 207a, my usual terrible lyrical style was made even more terrible, so please excuse the bad grammar, misspelled words and lack of proper punctuation)

the 2014 golden globe recap

I love major award shows, especially when it comes to movies... okay, well, I don't watch the Directors Guild or the Producers Guild or the People's Choice or the Independent Spirit or the Palme D'or or the BET Awards or the Soul Glo Awards or the Latin Grammy show or whatever else... but I DO watch The Golden Globes and The Academy Awards.

In years past, I would live blog, tossing up thoughts, jokes, tweets and so on every few minutes.  But since we've had Campbell Isaiah, "live blogging" has a been a little more difficult.  It's not that The Lovely Steph Leann is opposed to it--in fact, she rather enjoys reading it the next day, and even while I'm blogging, she's made many a joke that has ended up in the published post.

No, Campbell has bathtime in the middle of the evening, and then he goes down for bedtime.  While The Lovely Steph Leann does the bath and bedtime, I will prep the room for his bedtime, get his PJ's laid out, then get some of my things gathered for the next day and so on.  However, I'm usually finished before he is asleep, so when we watch a live program like the Golden Globes, she asks me to pause it, so we can pick back up where we left off when she comes back downstairs.

And in the age of social media, to keep pace, it's harder to push pause--because the winners are revealed, the moments are tweeted and posted on Facebook, the pictures are on Instagram and so on... it's easy to say "Oh, then just don't look at social media until its over!" but that's hard to do when you yourself are live tweeting.

So, no live blog this year, but instead, a few highlights of the show...

• Best joke of the night went Tina Fey & Amy Poehler, after they rattle off a list of accomplishments from Amal, George Clooney's new bride, and then say, "And tonight, we give her husband a lifetime achievement award."
• Tina & Amy then went on to burn Bill Cosby while discussing the movie "Into the Woods", saying that, ''Cinderella runs from her prince, Rapunzel is thrown from a tower for her prince, and Sleeping Beauty just thought she was getting coffee with Bill Cosby.''
• Both then do an odd Bill Cosby impersonation all about "putting the pills in the people."  The audience, in an awkward, but laughing, state, gasped then laughed more.  Personally, I thought the Sleeping Beauty line was gold, but putting pills/people schtick just wasn't that funny.  Not because of the subject, just because it wasn't that funny.
• I do love me some Tina Fey, though.  Man she's gorgeous.
• Jennifer Aniston was nominated as Best Actress in a movie called "Cake".  What the heck is "Cake"?  I don't know anyone who has actually heard of this film.
• Margaret Cho came out dressed as a North Korean high ranking soldier, taking a picture with Meryl Streep, only to be photobombed by Benedict Cumberbatch.
• Gina Rodriguez won for the CW show "Jane the Virgin".  Who?  What show?  Huh? 
• Jeffrey Tambor, veteran actor, won an award for a transgender character on the Amazon show transparency. 
• Ruth Wilson won an award for the Showtime show "The Affair".
• Essentially, alternative lifestyles and open marriages are the new hotness.  Straight people and committed relationships? Not so much.
• Prince showed up.  Like the singer.  I can't say that I've ever heard him talk, and yet, there he was, simply saying, "Here are the nominees for Best Original Song"
• Allison Janney, in the audience, was one of several who went a little batnuts crazy.
• Oh, and Prince had a cane.  He didn't use it, he didn't walk with it, he just brought it with him. #BecauseHeIsPrince
• Kristen Wiig and Bill Hader, two normally very funny people, came out and did a bit where they recited lines from classic films, only the actually just made up the lines.  Many people felt this was the funniest non-Tina & Amy moment of the night.  Again... I just didn't think it was that funny.
• George Clooney got the Cecil B DeMille Lifetime Achievement Award tonight.  It's so weird, because Jodie Foster got it a few years back at a then-age 50, while Clooney is 53. It's only weird because again, I grew up watching Clooney as he started his career on Facts of Life and "Return of the Killer Tomatoes".  Interestingly enough, those are two pieces of work that were not shown on his highlight reel.
• This award is supposed to go to old people like Kirk Douglas and Cecily Tyson and Burt Lancaster (Kirk won it in '68, by the way), not to young folks like Clooney or Robin Williams (recepient in 2005) or Michael Douglas (got it in 2004) or Spielberg (2009). Sigh. I'm old.
• Michael Keaton had a great speech, winning the award for "Birdman"... but I also liked Billy Bob Thornton's speech, simply saying that you can get in trouble for saying just about anything so "I'll just say 'thank you'".
• Have you seen "Birdman"?  The movies is great, but the movie as a whole is outshone by a combo of brilliant performances from Keaton, Emma Stone, Zack Galafinikas, Naomi Watts and definitely Edward Norton.
• When Amy Adams (whom I'm in love with) won an unexpected award for "Big Eyes", I tweeted the following:  AMY ADAMS AMY ADAMS AMY ADAMS AMY ADAMS.  My Timehop app posted a tweet this morning from last year, apparently when she won an award for "American Hustle".  I tweeted the following last year when she won:  AMY ADAMS AMY ADAMS AMY ADAMS AMY ADAMS.  Good to know my feelings are the same.
• Everyone freaked out with Prince and John Legend both being out.  No one is talking about the fact that rapper Common... COMMON... has a Golden Globe.  It's like when Three 6 Mafia won the Oscar over U2 with "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp". 
• Colin Firth came onstage.  Be still The Lovely Steph Leann's beating heart.  I think if he, Robert Downey Jr and Hugh Jackman ever starred in a movie together, she'd camp out for tickets--and she doesn't camp for anything.
• There is a transparent NBC logo in the left bottom corner.  Everyone, mostly chicks, that wear sleeveless dresses or tops end up looking like they have a faded peacock tattoo on their arm.
• Did NOT see that award for Best Animated Film coming.  "How to Train your Dragon 2" not only beat out Disney's latest, "Big Hero 6", but the heavily favored "The LEGO Movie".  I haven't seen Dragon 2, but I can already tell you it likely won't equal Baymax and Hiro's adventures, and will not be better than LEGO. 

And finally... here are my favorite tweets from the night...

"It makes me sad that a cummerbund company hasn't sponsored Benedict Cumberbatch's tuxedo for award shows yet. #GoldenGlobes" -- @jonacuff

"You can easily recreate Kerry Washington's dress with a little duct tape and a whole bunch of Capri Sun pouches. #DIY #GoldenGlobes" -- @JennaKimJones, as Kerry Washington literally shimmers onstage

"The clothes that 80s movies predicted we'd be wearing 2015... only Prince was listening. #GoldenGlobes" -- @RemodelingClay, on Prince's big appearance

"Prince you are making doves cry with that outfit. #GoldenGlobes" -- @LauraLeighC, on Prince's crazy outfit

"In the Globes control booth: 'Thank you Gambit. Iron Man, you're on!' #GoldenGlobes" -- @RottenTomatoes, as Channing Tatum introduced Robert Downey Jr

"Everytime Meryl Streep loses an award, her horcruxes grow stronger." -- @YrBFF, after she lost again.

"The Golden Globes should be, 'We all get paid because of superhero movies. Good night. Drive safely, everyone.'" -- @pourmecoffee

"The #GoldenGlobes folks use the word 'courage' a lot.  Glad I saw the #60Mins piece on Iraq/Afghan war amputees first." -- @IngrahamAngle

"If Oprah cries when you speak you automatically go to Heaven." -- @samir

"All these men get to throw on a tux over their winter fat.  These poor women haven't eaten in 35 days.  Life is unfair. #GoldenGlobes" -- @JenHatmaker

"So everything is NOT awesome?" -- @daltonross, when "The LEGO Movie" lost Animated Feature.

"Do you think if I use the Loreal shade that is 100% Puerto Rican that I can look like J.Lo? #GoldenGlobes" -- @jamiesrabbits

"I just got to second base with J-Lo's dress. #GoldenGlobes" -- @jenhatmaker

"Apparently it's 'Bring your tatas to work" night at the #goldenglobes. #AllTheGlobes" -- @IAmAmyLatta

 And my absolute favorite of the night...

@dawn_o_mite tweeted: "I often think Jessica Chastain has the career that Bryce Dallas Howard was expected to have 10 years ago."   That made me laugh long and heartily.

Ladies & gents, there are your 2015 Golden Globes. 

the worst week: a 3am upchucking

A few weeks ago, we had one of those weeks that in the grand scheme of things, was nothing.  There are problems all over the world, the county and our town that deserve a look before listening to the $ Family whine and moan about our five days of Hades... but it's worth a mention, nonetheless.

In fact, The Lovely Steph Leann called the week, once it was completed, "the most asinine week we've had in a long time."  I thought about calling this post "the most asinine week", but I wasn't sure how the word "asinine" would play in any blogrolls that I'm privileged enough to be a part of.  Heck, in that one sentence, I've just used the word "asinine" more than the entire history of the blog.

SUNDAY
Campbell wasn't feeling good.  We knew this.  He was warm much of Sunday evening, somewhat fever like, and we hoped that some fever remedy and sleep would help him.  Because we wanted to make sure that he was okay before letting him leave the house on Monday, The Lovely Steph Leann stayed with him Monday morning, going into work at lunch.

MONDAY
For summer school, he would normally go Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, while staying with the grandparents, Pops and GG on Monday and Friday.   The Lovely Steph Leann let Campbell sleep in, then got him up, bathed him, dressed him, fed him, and took him to the grandparents around noon, so she could head onto work. 

I pick him up in the afternoon, and though he seemed to be feeling better, we were very cautious.  The last thing we wanted to do was send him to school the next day at less than 100%, because aren't not going to be those parents who send their kid to school sick, giving everyone fever or asthma or Ebola or whatever he might have. 

He ate a decent dinner of English peas and carrots and some fruit, drank lots of liquids, meaning lots of wet diapers, played accordingly, and finally we took him upstairs to put him to bed.  If I remember correctly, The Lovely Steph Leann had rocked him to sleep, but when she lay him down onto the bed, he woke up.  She laid beside him, and he wouldn't go back to sleep.

I came to bed, laid on the other side of him to try to get him to sleep... and nothing.  We dozed, he dozed, he would wake up, waking us up.  We'd get him back to sleep, we'd go back to sleep, he would wake, we would wake...

1am... then 2am... by 230, I had already sent a text to work saying I wouldn't be in until between 10 and 11am...

At 3am, Campbell began to cry nearly uncontrollably.  I held him, sitting on our bed, legs crossed "Indian style", calming him down.  He quieted a little, and I thought perhaps this might when he sleeps...

...every parent knows that all children are different.  Even if you have multiple children, they are different in little ways as well as their overall uniqueness... and so when your child is sick, you know "the gurgle", or the little cough sound, or burp-like sound that is made right before it is about to get messy.  And many children put very little time between that sound and what's to come.  Perhaps just enough time to make you aware that it's about to get real up this piece... and Campbell is the same way...

...he gurgled.  Slightly, just a little, quietly, but I heard it.  I had just enough time for my brain to formulate the words, "Hey, The Lovely Steph Leann, he's about to..." before it happened.  Campbell threw up.  Gobs of half digested peas and carrots came streaming out of his mouth and nose, in large clunky chunks... in big chunky clunks... it dripped down my shirt, it coated his front, it went down my arm, and a large portion fell directly into my lap.  It was wet and warm and disgusting.  The stench hit me like a blast, both from the pile in my lap, the chunks that were on my shirt and arm, and from him, who had it all over his face and now hands, as he tried to wipe it away.  Scared, he began to cry even more, with his hot little breath in my face.  I'm someone with a strong stomach, always have been, but I immediately threw my hand to my own mouth, held my nose, closed my eyes and held my breath until the sensation passed. 

The Lovely Steph Leann, in the bathroom trying to get something for him, ran in quickly, and threw a towel over to both of us just in time to catch a little amount of the second wave of Campbell. While it was only a little this time, it was still enough to send the toddler over the edge in the scared department, as he wailed.  The towel, actually on the bed in case this happened, was out of my reach, and so when The Lovely Steph Leann tossed it to me, it made no difference, getting only a corner and a small spot elsewhere infected with digestion.

She picked him up, and after catching my breath, I set about the task of clean up.  Stripping the bed, changing clothes, washing off chunks from everything, tossing everything into the washer, going back and remaking the bed... The Lovely Steph Leann took Campbell into his bathroom, ran him a bath, calmed him down and slowly and gently bathed him.  She was a pro, keeping him calm, making him feel safe and secure...

By 345 or so, it was all over.  Fresh sheets, fresh clothes, freshly washed baby, washed off Mommy and Daddy... about 430, we all three fell asleep, finally.

TUESDAY
I got up a few hours later, showered and made it to work around 1130, just exhausted.  When I got home, The Lovely Steph Leann was resting on the couch, while Campbell played in the floor.  She said he had been sleepy and sluggish all day too, to no one's surprise there.

WEDNESDAY
We made the decision for The Lovely Steph Leann to keep him home one more day to ensure that he was feeling good.  And he was.  Whatever it was that hit him had seemingly passed through... literally, as he still had diarrhea on Tuesday, but it had mostly run its course on Wednesday.

All signs pointed to Campbell returning to school on Thursday, and The Lovely Steph Leann returning to work.   Of course, after we had dinner, I didn't think much of her saying her stomach felt kinda weird... she wasn't feeling bad, it was more of a throbbing pain of sorts. 

She used some Essential Oils, took some vitamins and we all went to bed, still-tired Campbell sleeping like a rock.

Surely, this is the end of the troubled week, no?  The kid better, we are rested, things are looking up, right? Right? 

If that was the case, we'd have called this post "The Worst 1/2 Week". 

Tomorrow... in The Worst Week Part II... the hospital... the waiting... the cutting... the shower...

learning the a-word

Tomorrow, I will get up at 430 in the morning.  I will take care of breakfast for The Lovely Steph Leann and the likely sleeping Campbell Isaiah.  I will cook his breakfast, probably of two eggs, and maybe a banana, maybe some avocado or blueberries.  He also has some baby vitamins he takes, so there's that.

He'll wake up, and I'll take him and feed him while The Lovely Steph Leann gets ready.  Then, around 645 in the morning, we'll pile in the car and head out... headed to Tuscaloosa, Alabama, about 45 minutes from The Cabana, our home here in Birmingham.

Our son, Campbell Isaiah, probably about 16 months
when this was taken...

Tuscaloosa... the home of the University of Alabama Crimson Tide.. according to many people, also the home of 7, maybe 8 national titles.  According to most, its the home of 14 national football titles.  According to the diehard Roll Tiders, the home of 277 national football titles--some of them have been awarded strictly because Bear Bryant lived.  Such is.

We won't be headed to a football game though... I will say, I've seen two football games at Alabama from the student section, and its unbelievably cool...

The Lovely Steph Leann, a graduate of the UofA will surely have lots of tales to tell as we drive through, including that of wrecking her bicycle--The Purple Passion--in front of an incredibly hunky Jay Barker.

But no, again, we aren't looking for memories and stories.

No, tomorrow morning we are taking Campbell to a clinic on campus to be screened.  An evaluation.  For autism.  The A-word has made its way to our immediately family.

The kid is over 20 months old... he'll be 21mo in about a week or more, on September 1st, but he's currently tracking at a communication level of a 9 or 10 month old, if that.  What does that mean?  That means, take an infant 1/2 of Campbell's age, put them side by side, and they will communication the same way.

Campbell doesn't talk.  Not a peep.  He may or may not have said the word "Eat!" a few weeks back, though I am thinking that was a reoccurring sounds of "eet!  eet!  eet!" and so on. He squeals a lot, makes motorboating sounds, drools like a fountain, and sometimes will toss up a "ka" or a "ba" sound... nothing that resembles "dada" or "mama", though.

Many parents, well intentioned, have told us, "Oh my kid didn't talk until (fill in age here), so you probably don't have anything to worry about!"... but its beyond talking.  He doesn't communicate.  He doesn't point to things he knows or recognizes.  He doesn't tell us what he wants, other than the seemingly obvious "hungry" and "tired" signs... even then, it can be a bit confusing. 

We noticed early on, maybe around 8 or 9 months, that he wouldn't look at you when you held him and talked to him. He would look everywhere but at your face.  He didn't start walking until well after a year old, and then wouldn't come to you when called. 

We decided to get his hearing checked... it turned out fine, but kinda of the cusp of fine and not so fine... they recommended he see a specialist for his developmental issues.  We did that, and learned about his delays.  And more than one specialist and/or doctor has recommended he been screened for autism.

So... tomorrow we go.  I don't imagine we'll know anything in a day, we might have to go back.  But they will do a psychological evaluation on him--don't ask me how they do this for toddlers-- and that will go a long way to determined our next steps.

The Lovely Steph Leann isn't really scared, as she has long thought that there are issues.  Me? I'm a little scared of the whole thing.  So, we shall see...

I'll be doing an update to this post soon, perhaps over the weekend, perhaps next week... whatever journey we are on, we are just beginning with Campbell...

Thanks for reading my rambleness...

no one ever told me...

So, Campbell has his very first ever fever.  I say "first ever", as its the first one I know about... he might have had one here and there, but nothing noticeable and substantial...

...a few days ago, he was a little sluggish and even turned away his food--and just know, he NEVER turns away food... yesterday he coughed all day and had a fever... last night, he slept off and on for most of the day... we took him to the doc today, and naturally, he's pretty fine. 

He has his daddy's immune system, methinks. 

Fatherhood has been an interesting ride, and its no secret that I call Campbell Isaiah our "inconvenient blessing".  He's a definite blessing. And tax write off.  He smiles and you melt, he giggles and it makes you laugh with him, and when he is all cuddly, its the best.  He's a blessing.

But he is darn inconvenient... you know how many movies I saw at the theater in 2011?  38.  You know how many I watched in the theater in 2012?  Less than 10.  Seriously.  I've heard other parents say "Less than 10?!  I would be happy with 5 per year!" but I'm an avid movie goer and movie watcher...

He is darn inconvenient.  Never realized how inconvenient he would be.  There are a few other things that people didn't tell me... for instance...

No ever one told me...

...kids can hate car rides?  ALL I ever heard was "Oh, when Junior is upset, we just drive around the block a few times and he goes to sleep" and "Oh, when Little Mary is crying, we don't go home, we just keep driving and she just goes right out" or "Oh, when Bon Qui Qui is cranky, we just put her in the car seat and she just nods off immediately..."

Somehow, someway in my feeble little mind I just had this image of putting little Campbell, bawling his tiny little eyes out, and him just quieting down immediately, and then after a few miles in the Red Robin, he is just snoozing away...

Not so.  Oh, nay.  Nay. Nay, he say.

Matter of fact, Campbell hated that car seat, especially for the first few months.  He wailed and cried and screamed and went nuts... if you are familiar with Birmingham, and Highway 280 in particular, you'll know where I'm headed with this...

Usually after work at The Most Caffeinated Coffee Shop in Birmingham, I take a ride up the mountain to the Greystone area to pick up Little Pocket Change to bring him home (grandparents help to take care of him during the week).

Most of the time he is fine in his carseat... but as we crest the Brookhighlands Hill and get into the turning lane to leave 280 and turn onto Valleydale Road, somehow that is his 15 minute threshold.  And that is where he'd go nuts. In his own little baby squeal, he tells me, loudly, "Get me outta this carseat.... like, five minutes ago, Dad.  Now." 

I thought they loved carseats.  Not so.

No ever one told me...

...I'd have to be a chemist.  We make our own baby formula now, which we feed Campbell, along with fruits and veggies puree'd or chopped into tiny, soft cubes for consumption... but before, in his first few months of life, we used Enfimel, then Gerber's Gentle baby formula.

My bathroom counter for the first five months of my son's life

He had this schedule of waking up around 1am for a bottle... and around 330 or 4am for a bottle... so somehow, The Lovely Steph Leann and I had an unspoken system that just came to be... Campbell cried, I would roll out of bed, stumble into the nursery, pick him up, bring him to the groggy The Lovely Steph Leann, then trundle downstairs to the kitchen to make his bottle... a few scoops of powder, a little bit of water, tighten the cap, shaky shaky shaky, and pour into the bottle.

Then I would stumble back upstairs, hand the bottle off and go back to sleep.  Or stay awake, depending on The Lovely Steph Leann and if she needed me.  Finally, I wised up, and kept the water and powder and ingredients in our upstairs bathroom... so when I handed him off, I could just stumble into the bathroom...

And yet, I found myself at 128am measuring powder and pouring water into narrow bottles, all with sleepy eyes that sometimes let my hands pour powder onto the sink, or water onto the counter... once, I dumped the contents of the newly made formula into a bottle... one without the liner in it, so it went straight through the plastic cylinder and onto the counter and floor with a kersplash. 

I had to be a chemist in the middle of the night.  Really?  Seriously?

No one ever told me...

...that formula was so darn expensive!  Holy crap!   Like, 15 bucks a can, and not even a big can.  And diapers?  FORTY BUCKS FOR 176.... that seems like a lot of diapers, but when Chunk Monkey is filling it up five times per day, that doesn't last as long as you'd like. 

Not just diapers and wipes and bibs, oh my... oh no... nay... we got toys.  And onesies.  And pants.  And shorts.  And shields for the BluRay player.  Which don't work ($14 gone).  And baby gates.  And toy leashes.  And pacifiers.  And paci leashes. And bottles.  And nipples.  Fast nipples.  Slow nipples.  Medium nipples.  And drying mats.  And car seats.  Not one, but three.  One for when he's little.  One for when he's bigger.  One for the in-laws as well.  And the one that was for when he was little now has to be replaced by one since he's bigger.  And strollers.

Is there any need for a stroller to cost $300?  Three.  Hundred.  Bucks.  I was floored.

And don't even get me started on smocked outfits that cost $40 and $50 each, outfits that he will not be able to wear by May.  I don't own a stitch of clothing that cost me anywhere near $50...

No one ever told me...

... that I would so freaking tired.  All.  Of.  The.  Time. 

I don't mean lack of sleep... combined, my hours of sleep are almost normal.  In the years BC--before Campbell--I only slept 4 to 6 hours per night... Combined, in the early days of the kid being in our lives, I'd get that, 4, 5, sometimes 6 hours per night. 

But they were never consecutive.  Sometimes, it would be 3 hours, then wake up, then 2 hours, then wake up.  Sometimes, I'd get 2 hour stretches of sleep 3 seperate times during the night, each interrupted by 20 minutes of baby care. 

In my job, I'm rolling into work around 430 in the morning several days per week.  The Lovely Steph Leann doesn't get much more, as she has to get up many days around 5 or 530, so she can get ready and then deliver Campbell to our caretaker--namely, his Pops and GG. 

So, I'd get to sleep around 10.  I'd wake up at midnight.  Then I'd close my eyes again around 1230.  I'd sleep til 230.  I'd get to sleep around 245, then be awakened around 345.  Then its 4.  And I have to get up.

Campbell Isaiah was born in December 2011.  No joke--I literally did not dream, or at least remember any dream I had, until about April or May.  I could never get enough deep sleep to dream. 

And The Lovely Steph Leann had it worse.  She is used to 7, 8, maybe even 10 hours in the night.  She loves to sleep... well, I do too, but I do like getting stuff done too... and she will sleep anywhere and everywhere she can.  So for her to get cut down to 4 or 6 non-consecutive hours of sleep was pretty much devestating.  Yeah, I was tired... poor her, she was a zombie for 7 straight months.  And still has zombie-like moments, even with Campbell at 15 months old.

And finally...

No one ever told me...

...about night terrors. 

What the what? 

All you people told me about not having a life anymore, and how we'll give up things in our lives, and how we'll have to watch the same TV shows over and over and how we'll have to stop going to the movies and so on and so on and so forth...

But NONE of you people told me about night terrors.

Its 1245 in the morning.  I awake to Campbell screaming his fool head off.  The Lovely Steph Leann turns the lamp on.  Campbell Isaiah is absolutely going bonkers... and yet... no tears.  He is just wailing, but in some weird way, he's not even awake.  He's just looking around, making loud, screaming, crying sounds.  He's not looking at us, and all efforts to console him are completely ineffective...

Of course, we do the parent thing where we wonder if he's hurting, and whether he's hungry, and maybe when he fell off the bottom step and banged his head, you know, two months ago, maybe that is now coming back to hurt him...

So, I Google it.  And I come up with "Night terrors".  The kid begins to cry uncontrollably, but is not fully awake, so therefore won't produce tears many times.  Efforts to calm them down usually increases the problem, so the solution is to let them cry it out.  Or so I read.

The Lovely Steph Leann held him for about 10 minutes, then passed him to me.  I stood by the bed and held him while he squirmed and wiggled and cried and wailed... and in about 15 minutes... he laid his head on my shoulder and went back to sleep, as if nothing ever happened.

She and I looked at each other with a "What the crap was that?" look, shrugged, and went back to bed. 

I would have appreciated one of you, out of the hundreds, nay, thousands of people I know, telling me about this. 

Epic fail on all of you.

And as this kid gets older, I'm pretty sure this list will grow. 

idolfornia dreamin'

I had every intention of watching American Idol on Wednesday night.  Seriously.  The Deucecast, which usually records on Wednesday nights, and my involvement in the excursion into podcasting excellence typically prevents me from watching the show on Wednesday when it airs... we try to get it viewed via DVR on Thursday evening, but sometimes it is Friday.  And even Sunday. 

This past Wednesday was free and clear, though.  The show's cohost, Mikey, had a sick offspring and felt the need to stay at home (pansy), which pushed the show to a rare Thursday night recording date... so after church activities, the plan was to get home and watch Idol with The Lovely Steph Leann.

However, Campbell needed formula.  Oh, and The Lovely Steph Leann needed floss.  And Degree Powder Fresh Deodorant.  And even though I had eaten at church, she had not.  Which meant a trip to Wal-Mart, which is always out of the deodorant she needed.  So that meant a trip to Publix.  Oh, and I'm also trying to find some of those Hyland's Colic Tablets, which Publix is out of, but I remember Wal-Greens having Hyland's Teething Tablets, which is similar. And that meant a trip to Wal-Greens.  And somewhere in there was a stop at Panera Bread for The Lovely Steph Leann's requested Fuji Apple Salad, no tomatoes, no onions.

By the time I got home, it was almost 930.  By the time I got changed and settled, it was almost 10.  And then we started watching Idol... we got through one single performance before I just spoke up and said, "I can't do it.  I'm dying."  This was after I had drifted a few times through Seacrusty's babble. 

But now, its Friday afternoon, and somehow, some way I have made it through a few days without finding out what happened on the show! 

So now...

THIS IS

AMERICAN

IDOL

We are shown a quick clip of last week's results show, in which Little Skylar Laine said goodbye... and this leaves the front runner guy, Phillip2... the main frontrunner, Jessica Sanchez... the dark horse (no pun intended.. or maybe...), Joshua Ledet... and the one who it can be argued is there about 3 weeks too long, Hollie Cavanagh.

Tonight is two themes... first, "California Dreamin'", which are songs about California, or songs written about California.  Or songs that have California in the title.  Or songs that feature John Phillips or any other members of the Mamas and the Papas, the artist of "California Dreamin'".  Or a song written by anyone who had been sexually abused by their father, like Kristy McNichol had written about, at the hands of John Phillips.  Or any song written by anyone who has ever heard of California.  And so on.

Secondly, its "Songs They Wished They Had Written", which means any song you want, or at least any song licensed by Idol... as in, "I like that song.  Um... I wish I had written it.  Yeah, thats' it.  So I'm singing that one!" 

Annie Barrett from EW commented that next week's theme will be "Songs". 

CALIFORNIA DREAMIN' ROUND

First up, its Phillip2... he's doing Creedence Clearwater Revival's "Have You Ever Seen the Rain?", a great old 60s rock tune.  Sans guitar, P2 takes his growly voice to the mic, and sounds pretty good.

Creepy Uncle Steven Tyler said, "You are living proof that the road to success is always under construction!"  Wait... what?  J-Lo loved it, and Randy the Dawg said it started a bit rough, but found its way a little longer into it... and then he loved it. 

For Hollie Cav's first song, she's taking on Journey's "Faithfully", which I reckon is California Dreamin because... they are from California?  Because then-lead singer has heard of California?  Because they probably played at a few arenas there over the years?  Who knows.

Anyway, the song isn't bad.  She has that quivering lip thing going on during the last "I'm yo-o-o-o-orrrsss!!!" final line, which to my untrained musical eyes, looks like it means something good. 

Randy the Dawg loved it.  Creepy Uncle Steven and J-Lo both agreed.

Next up, here's Joshua Ledet... first, here's Jason Derulo, who's been involved in this songwriting contest with Idol, trying to declare how this is his Now, and is wearing a blinged out neckbrace.  Wicked odd.

Back to Joshua Ledet!  He'll be doing a cheesy song called "You Raise Me Up", this generation's "Wind Beneath My Wings".  I don't think there is an un-cheesy way of doing this song.  And though Joshua's voice is good, and the song sounds fine, to me its just a boring picture of a mountain and a river on an inspirational poster set to music. 

Eh.

Of course, Creepy Uncle Steven Tyler, J-Lo and Randy the Dawg spend an hour and a half telling them how much they were raised up. 

So, for J-Sanch's California Dreamin' song, she's doing Etta James' "Steal Away"... and since J-Sanch is actually FROM California, really, any song she wants to do would be a California connection.

Once again, brilliant vocals.  Yet, plywood chemistry.  However, I think we need to start learning how to begin to learn how to start accepting that Jessica Sanchez will likely be The Next American Idol.  Just suck it in and breath out and take it. 


DUET TO IT!

I am struck by how odd it is that Joshua Ledet and Phillip2 are singing "This Love".  That is a song by Maroon 5.  And while Maroon 5 hails from California, hence the "California Dreamin'" spot, its frontman, Adam Levine, is one of the four judges on NBC's "The Voice", which is probably American Idol's biggest singing competition reality show competition.  I would think that Idol wouldn't want to give Maroon 5 and Adam Levine any press... but perhaps they figure "Hey, we're Idol.  We squash The Voice."  So be it.

You know what?  This version of "This Love" isn't perfect... but darn it, they both look like they are having more fun with this than anyone has looked in weeks.  The piano player is on his feet jamming, as are the other musicians.  Love this.

DUET TO IT TOO!

And whether this wraps up the California Dreamin' or this begins the Songs I Wished I Had Written, all I can tell you is that Jessica Sanchez and Hollie Cav are swinging.  Like, they are both sitting on rope swings, doing a duet to "Eternal Flame" by The Bangles. 

"Eternal Flame", by the way, one of the first five Cassette Singles I ever bought.  I remember "Paradise City" by Guns N' Roses was first, and soon after was "Shiny Happy People" by REM, "When I See You Smile" by Bad English and this Bangles classic, though I don't know in what order.  Just sayin'.

And as the judges give their two cents worth--they liked the guys a whole lot better, in the background, Phillip2 and Joshua Ledet are swinging on the rope swings.  Hilarious.

Oh, and Fast Forward through the unexpected Group Song

ROUND TWO... SONGS YOU WISH YOU'D WRITTEN... OR JUST, SONGS

Phillip2 says he wished he had written Damien Rice's "Volcano".  And here comes Jimmy Iovine, who says this song helped Phillip2 to stop sounding like everyone else and start sounding like himself. 

Dude, I totally dig this song.  I'd never heard it previously, but Phillip2 sits on a stool, on a darkened stage, with an awesome cellist sitting and playing nearby.  Not just a good song, but a great performance.

Hollie Cav says she wished she had written Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me".  And here comes Jimmy Iovine, who says to not oversing this song. 

Standing behind a piano, from the waist up, she looks like she's wearing an elegant black dress, and she is all fine and such, but when she steps out you can see its a black pant suit, and that kinda kills the look.  She also says "don't pah-tronize" and not "don't pay-tronize".  That could cost her the show.  And she's got this Michael Stipey Losing My Religion arm swingy thing going on there.

The song was pretty good.  But not brilliant.  Creepy Uncle Steven says she should have shown more emotional.  J-Lo says the same thing.  Randy the Dawg said she needs a song that "gives her a moment" and this song had no moments.

Joshua Ledet says he wished he had written James Brown's "Its a Man's Man's Man's World".  And here comes Jimmy Iovine, who says that it was a thrill to see this song being done by Joshua.

I gotta tell ya, the guys are owning me tonight... between Phillip2's "Volcano", their "This Love" duet, and now this song from Joshua Ledet, Dude Power reigns. 

You knew Joshua would scream at some point, and he does, but this time its warranted, and his scream is kept in check.  That was a great, great performance all around, with the vocals and the backup singers and the music and such.

And rightfully so, the judges just totally geek out. 

Finally, Jessica Sanchez says she wished she had written Billie Holliday's "And I Am Telling you That I'm Not Going".  Here comes Jimmy Iovine, and he is raving about her version of this tune.

She channels her inner blackness in this song, and sounds awesome.  J-Sanch is blowin' it right on up, doing her thing, hitting all the notes, and all that... but I then turned to The Lovely Steph Leann and said, "Tell me, as a music aficionado, what you thought of that song." 

The Lovely Steph Leann thinks for a second, and says, "Well... I don't think you are familiar with this song (I'm not), but this song builds.  The thing about it is, she didn't have time to really build it.  She did fine, she sounded good and all, but she didn't get the chance to take that into the part where she just screams it and gets all emotional and such, because this is an emotional song."

Of course, the judges loved it.  Over and over.  Its Friday, and I think they are still talking about it.

The Lovely Steph Leann:  You didnt like it?
Me: I did.  Again, I think she's got an incredible talent, but she's a stick in the mud charisma wise.
The Lovely Steph Leann:  I thought she connected well, better than some of her other stuff

It is funny to me, though, that Hollie Cav was cautioned to not "oversing", so she chose something deep and personal and sang without oversinging... but Joshua Ledet oversang the crap out of that song, and it was awesome.  Jessica Sanchez oversang the crap out of her song, and it was much ballyhooed.  Hollie Cav should haven't thrown down on her tune. 

And I'm afraid dear, sweet Brit Hollie will pay the price. 

My Best to Worst for the Night:  Joshua Ledet's "Its a Man's Man's Man's World"... Joshua Ledet & Phillip2's "This Love"...  Phillip2's "Volcano"...  J-Sanch's "And I Am Telling You That I Am Not Going"... J-Sanch's "Steal Away"... Hollie Cav's "Faithfully"... Phillip2's "Have You Ever Seen the Rain?"... Holly Cav's "I Can't Make You Love Me"... J-Sanch & Hollie Cav's "Eternal Flame"...  Joshua Ledet's "You Raise Me Up"

The Results are in the very next post!  Keep scrolling!

Those Frustrating Frustrations

I seldom get frustrated... yes, traffic, or more importantly, stupid people in traffic, frustrates me, but that's only a few minutes at a time.  When my computer gets wack (is it whack?  or wack?  what do y'all young folk say?  does anyone even use that word anymore?), it also frustrates me, but again, only a few minutes at a time.

But let's talk about little Campbell Isaiah.  That kid is as cute as a bucket of puppies, but sometimes, he gets more more frustrated than I've ever been.  Now, this is the part where you email me back and say, "Oh, I know!  That's part of it!" or "I told you it would be like that!" or "Let me tell ya, it only gets worse when they go mobile!" or some variation of that, so its okay, you can save such responses.  I have already heard them.

As all infants of his size and age do, or so I'm told, he cries when he's hungry.  And he cries when he is feeling a little gassy.  And when he gets that poop out, he cries.  And sometimes, he just cries for no reason at all.  Just because, methinks.  And its frustrating.

The Cabana is the third house on the left when you turn on our street.  As in many subdivisions, there are plenty of houses close together, and there happens to be a tall white fence between each house, near the front.  Thats important to note because it means you can't just walk out our door and walk around the house--you have to walk around the block.

So, Campbell Isaiah is having a complete meltdown... I unlock my front door, then open my garage, and walk out through the garage onto the street.  I walk a few houses down, take a left, walk up the block, take another left, walk the front of these same three houses, and then into my front door.  I walk through the house, then back out the garage again... wash, rinse repeat.  I repeat this same circle about 9 times, cradling Camp, patting him lightly on the bum, and he calms.  The moment I go inside again, say to him softly, "Okay little man, I'm going to sit for a minute", well, he ain't having none of it.  So, I get up and make the Campbell Circle again.  And again.  And again again again...

I'm a guy who wants to fix it.  I want to figure out what ails him, and make it better.  Give him some mylacon, or his pacifier, or just bounce him up and down for a little while, or change his diaper and clean him up or, oh its been two hours and 39 minutes, lets feed him, then burp him or whatever it takes to make him stop crying... not because the crying is driving me nuts, but I know he's crying because he's uncomfortable, and I want to make it better.  So I give him every comfort and benefit I can... yet sometimes, you'd think I'd put on a Streisand CD and made him watch "Jack & Jill" (the latest Sandler movie) because he's crying so much and is pitching such a fit. 

And its so frustrating.  He won't let me fix it, he won't tell me what's wrong, he just cries anyway.  

God's like that.

I find myself with every benefit and blessing I could ask for.  I have a house. I have a car.  I have a laptop and an iPod (two, actually) and an iPhone.  I have a great church.  I have a job, gainfully employed with an awesome manager and full benefits and access to warm cheese danishes at will.  My friends rule, both outside and inside of the church family.  The Lovely Steph Leann is amazing.  And of course, I got Campbell too.  

When Camp does this, I sometimes get frustrated.  But when I
do this, God loves me even more

And yet, I cry.  I cry because I don't get my way.  I wail because the book of James is too black and white when it comes to sin, and I don't want to read it.  I moan because I'm reading "The Resolution" and it strikes hard and is uncomfortable.  I whimper because what sometimes what God wants is not what feels good.  I cry and I cry and I cry because I don't get my way... I'm even so selfish that I have used the word "I' over 23 times in the last two paragraphs!

In the same way I hold Campbell tightly, pat him on the bum and back gently, rock him and quietly tell him how much I love him and how much I want him to be okay, God squeezes us in the same manner.  He pats us gently, rocks us, keeps us safe and warm, and though we wiggle, writhe and sometimes scream our heads off in what many times are fruitless and pointless fits, He tells us that He loves us.  I'm sure He is a little frustrated too, but He doesn't show it.  

And like my own son, when we finally realize that we are safe, when we finally realize and understand that even being a little uncomfortable is okay, we can stop wriggling, writhing, crying and wailing, and perhaps just relax into His arms.  Maybe suck on a proverbial paci, however that works.  

And its thoughts like this that keep me sane when I do have a screaming child in my arms... keeps me from being so frustrated.  Cause frustration is whack.  Wack?  Whax?  

Yeah.