graduation day

This was written back on Saturday, May 6th, as I sat in the audience, via iPhone's Blogging app.  It is until just now that I got around to posting it, in between all the other posts that were more timely... so, enjoy.

So... My first college graduation. The time is 1242p, and I'm sitting in the middle of the Coleman Coliseum, planted right on the campus of The University of Alabama.

My brother in law, the Super Cool Tyler, is getting his degree today in Mechanical Engineering, meaning he is smarter than I and he makes more in his internship than I do in real life.

When I say it's my first college graduation, I mean that--I graduated from Troy State U (go Trojans!) in the spring of 1998... However, to walk, you had to pay like, $50 to rent your cap and gown and such, and honestly, I didn't have 50 bucks for anything, and I missed the deadline for ordering... Were I to walk, I wouldn't have anything scholarly to wear. There was a mission trip to New York City with our BCM that March--right during Troy's graduation... So I saved up some money, and in mid-March, on that Friday, instead of shaking hands with Chancellor Hawkins and getting my diploma, I was instead strolling down 8th Avenue in Manhattan, headed towards FAO Scwartz with Allysong Guy, Claire Baldwin and Troy McConnell.

So, here I am. And the whole family is here too... There is Big Daddy Ron... Mama Ruthless... Aunt Becky... coming soon is Angie, the sis-in-law, Randy the bro-in-law, and the kids, Madeleine and Benjamin. Sitting with us as week is Tyler's fiancee, Brynn... And lest we forget, The Lovely Steph Leann. Who is holding our five month old.

The graduates file in, one by one, ready to end their dreamy college
experience and begin the strange new adventure known as "The Real World"

Our five month old. In a crowded, loud arena. For three hours. What. Could. Possibly. Go. Wrong?

107p... We find out, as Campbell has decided he has hungry a little ahead of schedule.

113p... As the graduates make their way into the arena, Angie and Company have arrived to join us. The gang is all here.

114p... We are currently playing a little game called "Find the Tyler"

117p... One of my favorite things at graduations--high school up until today--is to hear the "Name Reader" butcher the simple and not so simple names. And with names like "Mohammed abdulrhim al Ibrahim" (pg 49) and "Meisam Salahshoor-Pirsoltan" (pg 24) it might've been a fruitful afternoon... However, I've been informed by Trey Cartledge, sitting in front of us, that Eugene Proffit, the "Name Reader", is a god among insects when it comes to such things... He apparently doesn't miss names. We shall see.

129p... Camille Sonnier, at least according to the jumbotron, sings the national anthem... U-S-A! U-S-A!!!

132p... Surprisingly, an invocation. Albeit one to "the Creator", but still...

138p... The Doctorates are first. Some chick named Wookjung Chang is up. Her family? The Woojung Clan.

144p... After pronouncing Cui Cui, this exchange:

Brynn: this guy is a baller
The Lovelt Steph Leann: he has been doing this a long time

146p... Just had a Michael Scott AND a Miaomiao Pang.--pronounced "Meow Meow".  Just saying.

147p... Elizabeth Luzer. What a rough name to overcome. Im not a Luzer, I'm a Winher!!

149p... Candidate for Cinemax name of the day... Willie B Breedlove.

151p... Campbell shows his support by pooping. The Lovely Steph Leann will be right back.

156p... The Business Degrees are up. And if Danielle Marie Drago doesn't name her son Ivan, then there is no justice. I'm also expecting big things from anyone named William Augustus Burgstiner IV. Just saying.

207p... So far, Procter is like a pimp on these names... But, I'm wondering, is it possible that he is getting a ton of these names wrong, but says them with such conviction, no one questions him?Maybe the graduates are told "okay, he might goof up your name, but go with it."

208p... If I were William T. French, I would have totally gone by "Will T. Freedom" back in the early part of the 2000s.

211p... If your last name is Gooch, and your a guy, cool. If you are a chick, you are looking to marry out of that name as soon as possible. And surely John Nicholas Grabowski's nickname is The Big Grabowski. Right? Right?

217p... If Lisa Yoko Lawless is dating the guitarist, you know the other bandmates are nervous.

220p... The name Brooke Elise Pancake just came up. I have about 3,877 breakfast jokes right here--by the time I decide on one, the moment is gone. Sad.

227p... Peter Joseph Scatamacchia? "yea, I need a tall latte, and venti mocha frap and a grande Scatamacchia... With an extra shot, please.". Love it.

229p... Jenna Nicole Stiffler probably thought she had a name that was fine, forgettable and unremarkable. And then those American Pie movies came out.   And her poor mom.

234p... We enter Hour 2 of this name fest and it's time for the Engineering... Which means Tyler is up.

Mommy and Campbell, before he decided he liked it
better outside, where the attention was all on him.

242... Look! There's Tyler in line!

(cue record screech sound)

We are sorry to interrupt this blog, but further jokes about names and random comments about graduation proceedings are now impossible, due to the fact the 5 month old in our group has decided he'd had enough and had begun to cry... Meaning Daddy--yours truly--now has him in the lobby, walking around, patting him on the bum and whispering comforting things to him.

I actually think I heard the family yell for Tyler as I was exiting the row... I said "excuse me" to the lady at the end of the row as she had to stand to let me by and added, "this little guy has had enough".

She smiled with a smirk and said, "yes he has.". I took Campbell out.

259p... And it's over, the grads are filing out. A few pics, a hot walk to a distant parking lot and 20 minutes later, we are now all at The Cypress Inn Cafe, awaiting a seat.

So, I guess that's it. There is your Alabama graduation... Oh, I guess since I'm in Tuscaloosa, home of the 63 time national champs (according to them) and the 6 time national champ (according to logic), I guess I should end this with those two famous words...

Go Gators.

Giving the Sexy Beast the Diploma

On May 26th, 2006, I attended the first graduation I'd been to in 7 years, watching my little sisters Kourtney, Kandice and Jaci, among others, grow up and move on. I was also introduced to one of the top five names ever, that being Sammy Funkhauser.

Well, last week I went this time to Spain Park High School's graduation, witnessing my bro-in-law Tyler "The Sexy Beast" Campbell walk and get his diploma. I also proudly watched my friends Garrett Cheney, Steven Hunt, Alan Renfroe and Trey Cartledge and a few others get a pass into college life... and like last year, I figured I'd talk about it...

And since most of you don't know any of the people I'm talking about, I'll try to make it entertaining.

Held in the Wright Center Auditorium of Samford University, the night started eventful as I arrived with the Lovely Steph Leann, and meeting up with the Campbell Clan. Everyone was there except, of course, for Tyler, who had taken the wrong exit and was downtown in 6pm traffic... mind you the Wright Center is in the same city that Tyler has grown up all his life.

Then, the even better news came when it was discovered that Tyler, in all his genius and wisdom, left his cap at home. His cap, as in, "cap and gown". The one with special tassle, because he's Salutatorian (unlike last year at Oak Mountain High's 133 valedictorians and 132 salutatorians, there was only 2 and 1, respectively, at Spain Park).

Somewhere, someone had an extra cap and correct colored tassle, so all was well, but not before Mama Campbell made a few threats she'd never carry out for fear of a future Cold Case Files being based on her life.

First up was the Senior Class Chaplain, which shocked me because... well, they had a chaplain. This guy actually prayed. To God. And not only called for a moment of silence for lost classmates, but actually stretched that moment to like, 30 seconds.

Next up was the principal. Spain Park's Principal? Billy Broadway. Good ol' Billy, a country boy with a country accent. He gave an amusing little speech on the graduates, and had me on his side until he said something like "...you'll be facing the problems of tomorrow, like global warming" I missed the next few lines because I threw up in my mouth, but was fine after that.

Then, the speeches. There were four, from the Senior Class President, the Salutatorian, and the two Valedictorians... I rate them as follows:

President Addison Leigh Ragsdale gave a charming little speech on life, and how the graduates were seemingly playing a real life game of Monopoly. First as Frosh, you'd run that first strip where all the crappy properties were, by the time you're a Junior, you're driving (hence, "Free Parking") and the Senior spot is Broadway and Park Place, you get the drift. It was short, it was light, and it was entertaining. I was going to give her a A-, but when she was done, someone in the back gve her a slow-clap... warranted a step up. Grade: A

Salutatorian Ronald Tyler Sexy Beast Campbell spoke next, and though I can't remember much of his speech beyond the Teddy Roosevelt quote he gave, I do remember liking it. He spoke way too fast at the beginning, which was a shame, because he tossed out a few jokes that would have gotten some laughs, but his speed caused most people to miss 'em. Grade: B+

Valedictorian James Robert William didn't start out too well, as a few jokes were mumbled and missed due to speed of speech, and the ones that did come out clearly fell completely flat. I was worried we might be looking at a "C" grade speech, but he saved it quickly... he made a crack about Hoover High School (football rivals across town) and MTV's "Two-a-Days". When the thunderous applause at the Hoover jab simmered, Jimmy Robby Willy had everyone in his hands. He made several great pop culture references, and ends up with a A-

Valedictorian David Marshall Harris ended up with 38 scholarships to colleges across the country. Thirty eight. I'm not sure there were half that in my senior class combined. And when he walked up, I thought to myself, "he looks like he earned 38 scholarships", cause... well, he did. His speech revolved around the premise of Forrest Gump, and how life truly is a box of chocoates and so on, made a great nod to Indiana Jones, and made us laugh here and there. But, overall, I'd put him with a B-

Then, Billy B'way started handing out the diplomas. The mandatory "please hold all applause until everything is done" was given, so the first dozen or so graduates (smart kids first) got no love from the audience. Then, you hear a slight clap here, a small "wooo" there, and when Billy B'way doesnt silence them, it builds. The audience tests the waters little by little, until finally, every kid is getting cheers and affection. Typically, it happens when a disabled kid graduates, and so when Laura Lee Hughes walked across, it was over. All the grads and the entire audience roared as she used crutches to get her diploma, and it went from there.

Since I don't know 98% of these kids, their names are fair game, as far as I'm concerned...

**I sorta wanted Kendall Leigh Frazier to trip and fall, just so I could shout "Down goes Frazier! Down goes Frazier!" (instead, Andrew Chabert Ogle had the honors of stumbling on stage, though he didnt fall)

**I was curious how many of the mafia attended Frank Robert Gambino's graduation. He is family, ya know.

**Don't tell me that the nickname "Beer" has never been used for Robert Alan Heinke

**If I'm James Tyrone McWain, I'm calling my dorm room "The McWain Center". Seriously.

**I wonder... if Christopher James Taylor truly has seen fire and has seen rain, or just those sunny days he thought would never end.

**Mary Katherine Wackenhut. Too... many... jokes...

**It's gotta be good to be Parker Louis Holt. I mean, come on... he can't lose

**If I'm buddies with Elijah Chai Ngaruiya, I'm calling him "Soy"

**I've seen the future for Jonathan Austin Brook... he looks like a starving artist

**Names that make me think I've watched the future computer engineers graduate tonight: T'Chandria ChiMaine King, Laith Al Hundeidi, Manika Iqbal Issa and my favorite "I'll Never Say This Name Cause I'll Muck It Up" Name, Heber Arauso Viana Paiva. And Taylor Jones too.

**Porn name of the night? Caleb Zachary Bedgood. Runners up? Rizwan Amin Poonawalla. Somewhere, Brock Landers and Chest Rockell are looking for successors.

**"...don't come around, uh oh...Randall Otto Paul der Kaemmerer's in town, uh oh..." Okay, I reached. Sue me.
**William Quinton Gurley and Austin Nash Priddy. Gotta be tough. One's a Gurley Man and the other is a Priddy Boy.

So now, we wait for next year's class, sure to be full of more strange names and bad jokes...

We Want the Funk(hauser)! - My Night at Graduation

Okay, so before we get into this, let me tell you about my high school graduation. Here's a complete list of the Samson High School Class of 1993:

Beth Adkison, Greg Avant, Jonathan (Avery) Baine, Traci Baine, Lydia Cade, Michael Creech, Yours Truly, Clay Fulford, Dennis (Wade) Fulford, Shane Gillis, Brian Green, Rodney Hornsby, Sherella Hornsby, Misty Kimble, Cathy King, Drew King, John Knowles, Michael Knowles, Jennifer Lambert, James (Anthony) Landingham, Leslie Lane, Jan Lolley, Wendy Marsh, Chris McCall, Stan McDuffie, Jonathan (Buckshot) Medley, Victor Miller, Christie Mock, Kecia Morgan, LaToya Morgan, Stephanie Phillips, Monty Powell, Brandie Schertel, Felicia Farris Simmons, Jason Slay, Jason Smith, Joey Stephens, Daniel Stephenson, Tammy Thomas, Pamela (Nicki) Vann, Susan Ward, Tammy Ward, Toney (Chad) Ward, Jackie Warren, Leslie Whigham, Shannon Williamson and last but not least, Tonya Windham.

Thats it. That's all. When we graduated on May 23rd, 1993, we sat in chairs on the football field... when our names were called, we got up our of our chairs, walked up the steps, recieved our diploma, shook hands, took a picture, walked back down and then had a seat. Then, the next person was called. The whole thing, including a prayer (!), addresses from both Salutatorian & Valedictorian, awards and the aformentioned diploma process, lasted somewhere in the neighborhood of about 45 to 50 minutes.

This is only important because its in stark contrast to the 2 hour, 400 Senior graduation I attended last night for Oak Mountain High School. It was the first high school graduation I'd been too since the Class of '99, when I saw Stephanie Knipp, Ginger Thomas, Leslie Cordell, Hillary Kelly, Alyssa Guy and Megan Bryan graduate. Last night, I was at Bartow Arena on UAB's campus to see Kourtney & Kandice Kelley and Jaci Gresham graduate, and it was pretty entertaining, let me tell you.

I think what surprised me is that were like, a combined 187 valedictorians and salutatorians. Our version of the "Honor Court" was the "Top Ten Seniors", which consisted of Jason, LaToya, Leslie, Stan, Jennifer, Stephanie, Yours Truly, Misty, Tonya and Daniel. Jason was our Valedictorian, LaToya was our Salutatorian. None of this 580 Valedictorians, or 74 Salutatorians... I personally think you should have one of each, 1st in the class and 2nd in the class, and everyone else above a certain GPA (maybe 3.5? 3.8?) gets to be part of an honor court, or whatever you want to call it.

Of course, that takes nothing away from Kandice (a valedictorian) or Kourtney (a salutatorian) who, along with Jaci Gresham, cause they are all smarter than I am, I'll admit.

Why list all the names above? Wanted to show you that I truly did graduate with 45 people. You could count 47 names, but from what I gather, Brian Green & Drew King didn't really graduate. Samson High let them walk as a tribute to their combined 11 years from 9th to 12th grade. I'm not making this up.

Okay, back to Oak Mountain... they had, from what I counted, about 400 kids walking the stage to collect their diploma. I was supposed to meet up with my old friend Dana Mitchell, who was sitting with Jaci's family, but for whatever reason, the number I had for Dana was incorrect. So, when I got to the Arena downtown, I just sat next to one of the entrances where the b'ball players usually come out. Lucky for me, it was one of two places where graduates gathered to walk out. At 7pm, they began to play the great hip hop classic "Pomp & Circumstance", and the graduates began to walk out. I got to see Kandice & Jaci, as well as Leigh Pegg, Jenifer Lewis (a name I hadn't heard in a long time) and Shannon McGahan, who is now dating my bro-in-law Tyler--yes, she's a senior, he's a junior, the whole older woman thing is working for him.

Before we go on, and before you begin to think of me as some sleaze for being there only to see some 17 to 18 year old females graduate, know that all of these kids, except for Shannon, were on my drama team way back in the day, at Valleydale Church (an sbc fellowship). I've known most of these kids since they were in 6th or 7th grade... and now they are going to college. Yeesh.

To tell you how this worked, they all walked in, there was some "Inspirational Thoughts" from Erica Marie Mihelin (when she stepped up, I actually said out loud "Heaven forbid they pray". It got a few laughs from the immediate people around me). They had thankfully short speech from Steve Martin from the Shelby County Board of Education (what, Hoover High & Spain Park got the good speakers? They could have called Tyler Watts or Ruben Studdard? Those guys aren't doing anything), followed by a scholarship given out, then they recognized the Vals & Sals.

Ashley Corinne Brown, was the Head Valedictorian, but didn't seem at all happy or enthused to even be there. She gave a cliche filled speech filled with phrases like "Chapters ending" and "new beginnings" and so on... I'm sure through no fault of her own, because I'm sure it had to pass through several sets of eyes for approval.. I'm curious as to what she might have said if given free reign. Then, Shaw-Ming Lin, the Vice-Valedictorian, spoke... I'm sure he's a nice kid and all, but when he started talking, I could actually imagine him standing in front of Simon Cowell, dressed like Clay Aiken, saying "I AM the next American Idol", and launching into "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson.

I ended up sitting next to the parents of one Samantha Jane Funkhauser, who, besides the kids I knew, became my favorite name of the night. As they were walking through, the Funkhausers, myself and dozens of other parents who were fortunate enough to sit there, were standing next to the railing watching the graduates come in. When Samantha walked through, that led to Mrs. Funkhauser saying this:
"Samantha! Samantha! (looking at Mr. Funkhauser) Is she chewing gum? (looking at me) She's chewing gum! (looking then at Samantha, who was walking below us) Samantha Jane Funkhauser! You get that gum out of your mouth right now!! (looking back at me) I'm still her mother." For the record, Samantha immediately jumped out of line and spit her gum in a nearby garbage can before entering the big arena area.

So, some moments & thoughts that warrant mentioning, as I watched the proceedings--(besides the kids I just mentioned, plus Rachel Nicole Robinson, Annika Danielle Hindman & Emily Claire Arledge, I don't know any of these people)

--Oak Mountain Principal Randy Fuller was doing the name calling for the Vals & Sals, and ended up stumbling on only one name: Chandra Jayanthi Chakravarthi. When the diplomas were given out, he sailed through that name, plus a brutal stretch on the program that included Sotaro Sano, Eric David Schauwecker, Logan Alexander Schencker and Shraddhaben Rajendra Shastri.

--Of course, this success on the aforementioned brutal stretch was moments after he called out Michael Brooke Penn... who is actually Michelle Brooke Penn. You'd think that name he would master. Overconfidence. It happens. Especially if you are on the Crimson Tide football team playing Central Florida at Homecoming. Okay, okay, I had to reach for that one...

--They gave out diplomas to the Vals & Sals in another order besides alphabetical--wonder if it was class ranking? Anyway, then they started on the alphabetical list of kids, to which someone around me says quietly "now its time for the also-rans."

--They began with the normal "Please hold your applause until after all the names are called." This actually worked for giving the diplomas out to the Vals & Sals. Of course, this makes me feel sorry for them, and "also-rans" from Sarah Kathleen Alderson to Aaron Adarius Anderson... they got no love from the families, as I think everyone was unsure how much cheering would be tolerated. However, a kid named Nicholas David Antonio, who looked like he had Downs (no, I'm not making fun, I'm serious), walked across the stage and the place went bonkers. After that, chaos ensued.

--First it was subdued cheering, but as the Seniors went one by one, the cheering got louder and louder, and by the time we got to the L's, it was clear that no one was going to tell the audience to simmer down. So, some yutz in the upper deck started blasting this air horn, like you hear at sporting events. Everytime it went off, which was sporatically at first, everyone--me, the Seniors, the Funkhausers, the faculty on stage--jumped. Then, somewhere around Jackson Walker Moon, the air horn blasted long and loud. So here comes Principal Fuller, who says "Security, please get rid of that air horn." Then, he called out the section and row where the schlub was sitting. The whole place erupted in applause.

--Among the cheering were signs. When Gabrielle Grace Green got her ticket, her family held up big white signs with her name plastered across, each family member with a letter. Big family. Other families had signs too.

--Jonathan Wayne Guthrie was an evacuee from Hurricane Katrina--Mrs. Funkhauser told me so--which, along with doing a cartwheel on stage, got him a big applause. Then she added, "Samantha is supposed to go out with him later." Mr. Funkhauser smirked, "Yeah... I'm really happy about that." (Jaci later confimed that Mr. Funkhauser's hesitations were warranted)

--Poor Jacob Paul Gwarjanki had to follow young Master Guthrie, and I'm not sure anyone even knew he was up there.

--So, for a while, I was thinking that William Dorsey Ponder had to be the smartest kid in the building, even above Ashley Corinne Brown... I mean not only does he belong to the National Honor Society, Mu Alpha Theta Math Society, the Foriegn Language Honor Society and he's a Valedictorian, he's in the National Forensic League Honor Society! I'm thinking he's a genius in anatomy, and medical forensics and autopsies and everything else... imagine my let down when I see that the National Forensic Honor Society is really about leadership in youth. I watch too much CSI.

--By the way, when did they do away with the practice of having a class song? Is this only small school tradition? Ours was "Its So Hard to Say Goodbye To Yesterday" by Boyz II Men, a great ballad about death. Comforting. Though I will say that "Freebird" was almost the winner... somehow, good taste won out. I wanted "Forever Young" by Rod Stewart, but everyone looked at me like I had two heads. I liked our song, though... it was better than the class before us, which had "Friends" by Michael W. Smith. Incidentally, the Class of 94 had "End of the Road" by Boyz II Men, a great ballad about... death.

--Kourtney told me later that when the Senior Singers got up to sing the alma mater, someone in the class actually yelled "Freebird!" Its good to know that redneck will never die. I'll bet out of 400 students, about 390 of them didn't know the alma mater (and probably 200 of them didn't know that OMHS had an alma mater)

With 400 graduates come 400 names... and I'd be remiss if I didn't give you some of my favorites:

• Samantha Jane Funkhauser, my favorite name of the night. If I were a Funkhauser, when I got to college, I would totally plaster on my dorm door, in big letters, "The Funk Hause". And it would be cool.
• My second favorite name of the night was Edward Dickson Hicks, VI. Thats right. His name is Eddie Dick Hicks the Sixth.
• Loved the name Poppy Leigh Tidwell. Poppy Leigh sounds so uppity, but there's nothing like remembering your redneck roots by being a Tidwell. Maybe she'll marry someone named Worthington and leave allf o this behind. Or she could marry the brother of Sarah Virginia Cox. (get it? poppycox? poppycock? ha!)
• You gotta know that when Joseph Edward Bobba was a child playing Star Wars with his friends, he always had an upper hand on being Boba Fett, if only because he played the "its my last name!" card constantly.
• Poor David Blane McPeake, Jr. His name was so simple and nice until that stupid magician got famous.
• Are we so preppy now that we can't just say "Cory" or even "Korey"? Do we really have to spell it "Khoury Lee Wood"?
• Na Lin. How can you not like someone with a name that my first name could encompasse?
• Heather Rebekah Hannah. Never, ever trust a chick with three first names. Especially if she's hot (I wouldn't know... I could only see her from afar)
• Annika Danielle Hindman used to come to our church (I used to call her Anakin, natch)... I know a guy who thinks she's the hottest thing ever, but would never admit it because it made him feel creepy... not anymore, though. She's a college kid now.
• The coolest potential nickname had to go to John Thomas Cubelic... being called "Cube"? There's not much cooler than that.

Alright, well, I'm off to Barnes & Noble to kill some time until I get tired enough to sleep (gotta be at work early). It was fun last night, and I give a big, hearty congrats to my girls Jaci, Kandice & Kourtney... I'm honored to have worked with you at church in drama, I'm humbled by the things God did using me, and I'm proud of the beautiful young Godly women you've become.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go change the batteries in my hearing aid and get my arthritis cream.

Advice for the Grads (Column #100)

Well, here we are at column #100.

That's right, at this time, I'm typing out what will be the one hundred posting on my blogsite, The Adventures of Dave. I wanted to do something cool for this 100th posting, so I thought I should address Kourtney & Kandice Kelley and Jaci Gresham, three of my girls from drama at Valleydale Church (an sbc fellowship). I've known all three since they were in 6th grade, so to watch them grow up has been remarkable... and I'm proud to say, God did good.

So, for your graduation this week, plus anyone else who is on the verge of leaving High School, I'd like to give you what Mary Schmich of the Chicago Tribune wrote to the Class of 97... it was also made into a song a few years later, produced by Baz Luhrmann. Who is he? Never mind that now, I'll explain later.

Anyway, my first piece of advice would be:
"Follow God, no matter how silly, no matter how crazy, no matter how much it doesn't make sense. Follow Him. He's done alright so far, so you can trust He has a plan."

Beyond that, I say this:

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’06... wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be IT.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice...

...now...

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

You are NOT as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults... if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.