the last 18 years

perhaps its bad form to point out the flaws, but you lose the strengths of doing anything only sparingly, and writing is no different.  Grammatically incorrect and structurally derp, please forgive the way its presented and just take the message... 

Today is an important day in the life of one d$.  It was on this day in 1998 that I moved to Birmingham, Alabama.  I knew no one, I had no church, I didn't know my way around... but I chose B'Ham.

Why, you ask?  Well, my original intent was Mobile, a city that I still think is cool.  My other options were Atlanta and Nashville, because I'm more of a city guy... or was when I was 23 anyway.  But job offers had not come from Mobile, but I did get one job offer from Birmingham, at a little place called Designers International.

Now, if I could go back, there are a number of things I would tell 23 year old d$ to consider before shaking Rob Zuckert's hand and agreeing to work for this company.

First, what will I be doing?  The answer ended up being going door to door, store to store, parking lot to parking lot, selling knock off perfume out of a box.

Next, ask what my starting salary would be...  The perfume was $22 a bottle, so anything price I got beyond the $22 was mine to keep.  My first week in Birmingham, I made $7.  I wish I were kidding...

Finally, ask where the door was so I could leave... this was a disaster, but that's another post.

No, the main reason I moved to Birmingham was for a girl named Amy Wible, because I thought we'd go out.  When the girl you dig says "Move here and we can see each other!", you move.  Or I did.  As it turns out, we actually didn't see each other for another 2 years, but that is also another story.

But, this day in history... my friends Allysong, Shelby, Eddie, Troy Mac, Claire and a few others helped me load my stuff into my car and into another, and we drove to Birmingham together to unload it into my new, $435 per month loft at Carousel Apartments on Lorna Road.  My friends were so cool, in fact, that we drove back to Troy, loaded up the rest of it and came back... the guys spent the night with me, the girls with Allysong (who was from Alabaster, a Birmingham suburb), and early the next day, they drove back to Troy, Alabama.  Without me.  I was on my own.

My dream, besides working at Designer International, was to catch on a radio station and maybe be behind the mic... after all, I did it for 3 years in college, so this can't be hard, right?  Or maybe work at a TV station, first in production and then perhaps, who knows, in front of the camera?

It's been 18 years since my dreams of my two years in Birmingham would surely spill into a great job in Nashville, TN, or maybe over in Atlanta, maybe with Amy, maybe not. Or maybe I'd just move to New York City for a year or so... but first, let me spend two years here, get settled, pay off some debt and then pack up and move on.

But a funny thing happened on the way to 2016.

I met a guy named Michael and ended up moving to Pinebrook Apartments with he and Shawn and Big Tom Johnson.  Then we moved to Briarberry Circle and founded The Deuce.

I joined Valleydale Baptist Church, now known as Valleydale Church (an sbc fellowship), my first -- and only -- church membership. I'm still there, despite all the changes.

I met Stephanie Campbell in our college & career group at church, and thought she was the cutest thing ever.

I got a job as a temp at Parisian Corporate, which turned into a full time sales assistant job.

I worked at a radio station as a sales assistant, and realized I didn't want to do radio as a career.

I worked at the local NBC station, again as a sales assistant, and realized it was the worst job I'd ever had.

I worked at a movie theater and learned that many high school students are lazy. But many work hard.

I reconnected with Amy and realized she wasn't the one for me (and she knew I wasn't the one for her) 

I worked at Starbucks because I decided I would pay off my debts and save up for a ring because I really, really liked that cute girl named Stephanie Campbell.

I worked at The Disney Store and it confirmed my love of all things Disney. And I realized that yes, you can have a complete broken heart when the job ends.

I worked at Starbucks again and realized, maybe years too late, it wasn't my life's goal.

I worked at Alabama Power, to help clear my head of Starbucks.

And then I became a full time travel planner.

I've been a ticket tearer, a perfume pimper, a make-salespeople-look-good'er, a barista, a shift supervisor, an assistant manager, a manager, a barista, a shift supervisor, an assistant manager, a shift supervisor, a Cast Member, an engineering contractor (!) and finally, a travel planner.
'
I helped start a podcast with some of my best friends, my Deucemates... I've been close to my Sunday Scho... er, Life Connec... uh, Life Gro... that group on Sunday mornings for over 10 years now... I've reconnected with my BFF Best Mate Wookiee after a few years apart... I've reconnected with my worst first date ever, Ginny Kochan... I've become friends with reality stars like Brooke from The Bachelor, now on NBC, and been put into the Million Dollar Hold by WWE Hall of Famer Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase... I joined the cult of Jon Acuff, and three years later, I can say names like "Clay Shaver" and "Rick TOOOOLIE" and "Debra Henessy" and "Liz Clark" as some of my favorite people on the planet, people that help push me to what I'm doing now...

In 18 years, I've written 1000+ blog posts... traveled the East Coast... watched 1000s of movies... read 100s of books... been to Disney World countless times, and even did the "four parks in one day" thing twice (while doing the water parks too, for a 6 parks in one day trip) and accomplished 50 attractions in 24 hours...

In 18 years, I got married to the cutest thing ever, The Lovely Steph Leann... we had Campbell Isaiah, who is the most amazing kid I know...  lost both of the people who raised me, but gained a mom who'd let me go 36 years ago... we paid off debt, we bought a house, we bought a brand new car...

And if I had moved to Mobile... I would have never had The Deuce... I would have never found Valleydale, and thusly never met The Lovely Steph Leann... I might've never met Clay Shaver or Liz Clark... Wookiee may have never come to see me in Mobile, so we would have been another case of "best buds in college, but lost touch over the years"... my life would be different.

Maybe worse, maybe just a lateral move in quality (I mean, who's to say that I wouldn't be talking about my life in Mobile, wondering what life would have been like had I moved to Birmingham instead?) but...

but... I like it like this.  For what was supposed to be a two year stop in Birmingham before moving to bigger and better... I somehow found my bigger and better right here.

Two years becomes 18, and 18 will likely become 25 and beyond.

Here's to the next 18.

38 memories of wookiee

My best mate Wookiee (aka, Christopher J. Fulaytar) has a birthday today.  I have a card for him, but like a bad friend, I keep losing his address. 

Its worth noting that two of my other good buddies--Mikey and Shawn--also have birthdays today and tomorrow, respectively, but I'll see them on Wednesday, give them the cards I bought them, and probably will leave them notes on Facebook with my birthday sentiments.

But I thought this time for Wookiee, I would give you, the reader, some insight into why I love this big lug.  Actually, many of you won't get many of the references listed here, though each has a story behind it. 

So, in no particular order, here are 38 memories I have of Wookiee, my best mate Wookiee, one for each year of his hairy life.

1) Fruit Wheels Twin Packs.  His cereal of choice.

2) Eating at Denny's once per month.  Its like... our man date or something. 

3) I was trying to use up a roll of film (remember the days before they were digital) and I walked into Wookiee's room and said, "Okay!  Show me mad!"  And he did.  "Okay!  Show me happy!"  And he did"  I took a pic with each emotion... flirty... serious... fun... and when I said, "Sexy", this pic is what he gave me.  Check out those pants.

4) The fact that, as big as he is, I found him one night curled up in the corner of that same bed you see here, playing video games.  His reason?  He saw a mouse.  I left.  I came back around 3am, four hours later.  He was in the same position, telling me, "Dude, I ain't getting up til I know that mouse is dead, or daylight hits." 

5)  For some reason, Wookiee and I liked to perform the 50s classic song "Little Darlin'".  Well, he would lip-sync and I would play the spoons.  And I would not just play the spoons, I would also drum them on anything within reach, which usually meant Wookiee's head was fair game.  One night, our buddy Barrow was spending the night on our floor, and our antics had him laughing so hard he could barely breathe.  He literally opened the front door and hung halfway down the steps to get some fresh air.  It was classic.

6)  His mom and dad are are awesome... they are really, really good people.

7)  His wife Gina is also a great person, helping him produce his spawn, Austin.... and his other spawn, Abby Grace.  Good job, Wookiee.

8) He's been a part of at least half of my moves from one place to another.  Somehow, we finagled him into moving our big Sony Trinitron from The Apartment to The Deuce... and he helped me move from our first apartment to The Cabana.  And when I say helped, many times I mean he's moving heavy stuff and I'm supervising.  That's the way it should be.

9) He used to drive a Trans-Am T-Top.  He is 6'9, so its understandable that you couldn't sit behind him in the backseat.  He had the seat pushed all the way back.  I'm pretty sure his head stuck out of the top of the T-Top itself.

10)  Wrestlemania.  He, Big Tom and myself attended last year's Wrestlemania in Atlanta, an experience I'll never forget, and one of the top four coolest things of all of 2011. 

11)  He took me to see Troy play Central Michigan in the GMAC Bowl in Mobile.  It was my first overtime bowl game (Troy lost in 2 OTs), it was crack ninja cold out there, and our seats were eh.  But Gina, the wife, had given him two tickets to the game, and he called me up to go. 

12)  He booked us a room at the La Quinta.  Not the Marriott next door, or the Hampton Inn on the other side, but the La Quinta Inn.  It was, however, within walking distance of... you guessed it, a Denny's.

13)  We dated the same girl at the same time, he as a freshman in college, me as a senior in high school.  It was absolute hilarity when we discovered this fact some years later.  I'm serious--we laughed for an hour.

14)  Our Halloween party at the Thomas Circle apartment.  He went as "Fulaytar Vader"

15)  In our Three Notch Street rented house, we shared a huge bedroom, complete with a wall gas heater.  When The Wench, his chick at the time, broke up with him, he skipped all of his classes for like, two weeks, sleeping in the room alot.  As a result, our gas bill was over $175.  As a broke college student having to pay for half of this, I had no idea what to do, until he told me he was going to pay all of it because he felt like he was responsible for it being so high.  This is the kind of guy Wook-Fu is.  (she cheated on him, but they got back together soon after)

16)  A year or so later, at our next apartment in Thomas Circle, I get a tap on my window at like, 6 in the morning on a Saturday.  I open the window and see... its The Wench.  "Can I talk to Chris?"  I rolled out of bed, opened the door, and let her in, then went back to bed.  About two hours later, Wookiee opens my bedroom door and says, "I just broke up with The Wench."  Awake now, I said, "Dude, what happened?  Are you okay?"  He nodded and said, "She cheated on me again.  I just said, 'Get out, The Wench'.  I'm cool.  Want to go get some breakfast?"  And we did.  He might have even bought.  And he was fine. 

17)  A teacher, he got a job after graduation in the humming metropolis of Hazelhurst, Georgia.  On the morning he was moving, he had all his crap in a U-Haul, ready to go.  We had breakfast at Julia's in a hotel nearby, and then he said a somewhat tearful goodbye.  It was sad to see him go.  But I'll always remember the sadness of seeing my best friend leave for however long it would be. 

18)  Troy State versus Missouri.  His bachelor party, as a bunch of us bought this ticket to see the 17th ranked Tigers come to Troy, anchored by Heisman hopeful Brad Smith.  Then in an unbelievable night, we watched Troy handily beat Missouri, knock them out of the rankings, kill Smith's Heisman chances and then become the 24th ranked team in the country the next week.  What a night.

19)  Exploring the USS Alabama with Wookiee.  Both of us have connections to the military, so it was great doing something like that with someone who understands it.  If only I hadn't lost all the pictures. Whoops.

20) People don't understand our bromance.  We're very special.  Or some would say. 

21)  The 1996 Olympics.  Yes, The Wench was there, as was the upstairs neighbor, Smokey Steve, but we actually got to see the second incarnation of The Dream Team play--Jordan, Robinson, Barkley and more.  And, of course, we were almost blowed up by the bomb in the park.  That was fun.

22)  The hilarious sight of him, in only his boxer shorts, leaving our apartment and walking up the hill to the parking lot to get the morning paper.  There are somethings you just can't un-see.

23)  One day, I'm reclining in my bed watching TV, and he sticks his head out of the bathroom.  Then we have this exchange...

Wookiee:  Uh, d$... can I ask you a question?
Me:  Sure.  Whaddup?
Wookiee:  When you are in the shower... does the curtain ever... well, does the shower curtain ever attack you?
Me:  Uh... sometimes.
Wookiee:  Okay, just wondering. 

Then he disappears back into the bathroom.  And I cracked up.  And 17 years later, I just laughed out loud thinking about that conversation.

24)  He was the best man in my wedding, and I in his.  Wouldn't have had it any other way.  He was petrified he would lose the ring, and more petrified of the bride's reaction if it happened.

25)  He knows how to break it down.  Like a big, hairy clown.  (and though it looks like pants, I am totally wearing jorts in this picture)

26)  During the Deuce Days, he lived at The Deuce for two summers in a row, and it was awesome watching him immediately integrate amongst all the friends I had here, and become just a part of the group.  He actually had a portable closet he kept in our dining room with all of his close.  And sometimes, because he would get so annoyed with Tommy and Drew playing Tetris until the wee hours of the morning (especially when Wookiee is trying to sleep on the couch), he would hide Tetris.  And THAT was hilarious.

27)  I wrecked my car on the third Saturday in October of 1996.  Fell asleep at the wheel of my old Buick on the way back to Samson, ran off the road and into a telephone pole.  Head snapped forward, face hit the steering wheel, and it caught me in that space between my upper lip and my nose.  Blood spatter on the windshield, and I was lucky I didn't break my nose entirely.  Had stitches from one nostril to the next, and three feet of thin gauze in each nostril.  And I was without a vehicle. And Wookiee, graciously if not begrudgingly, gave up the Alabama/Tennessee game to drive an hour south to Samson, pick me up and take me back. 

28)  Many of my favorite catchphrases somehow lead back to him.  We went rock climbing with Michael Brunson and a few other friends one day, north of Birmingham.  And when the rock climber guy in charge strapped on the harness to Wookiee, it was fastened around his mid-section.  Before the V-shaped harness was pulled tight, the rock climber guy in charge gave caution to Wookiee for any necessary... well, adjustments.  He said, "You may want to make sure and keep 'Sparky' in the 'V'"  And "Sparky in the V" is a phrase that elicits loud laughs even now.

29) So, in the Three Notch House, in our shared bedroom, we both woke up on a Saturday morning around the same time.  Neither of us wanted to get up, so we both went back to sleep.  Around 11, we both woke up again. And then both went back to sleep.  By 1 or so, we had agreed upon a contest... whoever gets up first, loses.  About 515p, I won, when Wookiee had to get up and use the restroom. 

30)  Also in that bedroom, also when we are both laying in our beds, refusing to get up, we are watching TV... it might have been the same day as the sleeping contest, who knows... and the former President Bush is on TV.  The annoucer is saying something political, with a "something something something something George Bush something something."  And randomly, Wookiee pipes up, saying "Yeeesss George Bush".  After I finished rolling in laugher something like 20 minutes later, I wiped my eyes and knew I had something.  And the "Yes" catchphrase caught on big during The Deuce Days.  Its not used as much now, but you'll still hear it from me, or Mikey or one of the guys from time to time.  Yeeeesss Wookiee.

31)  We are riding in the car with a friend of ours, some tiny little vehicle we were stuffed into--me in the backseat because Wookiee couldn't fit... anyway, at the time, Jann Arden had a big hit on her hands with the song "Insensitive", which came on the radio.  I actually really like that song, and was singing along.  Apparently none of us knew the second verse, though, because it was all quiet in the car when Jann Arden sang, "How do you numb the skin... after the warmest touch... how do you slow your blood... after the body rush...", to which Wookiee breaks the silence by saying, "Yeeesss body rush."  I lost it.

32)  Because of our height disparity, people think its fun--and original, to take our pictures back to back.  And this pic is the typical result (taken at the 1995 Farmhouse Fraternity Formal).

33)  We are all sitting around The Deuce one day, plotting on how to get the downstairs neighbors to move out, so we could rent that apartment as well, putting a firemans pole between the two apartments.   I, who worked for a radio station at the time, said, "I'll broadcast subliminal messages that they need to leave!"  Mikey, working at a bank, said, "I'll screw up their finances and force them into bankruptcy!"  Shawn, who worked for the phone company at the time, said, "I'll tap their phones and black mail them!"  Tommy, working in interweb stuff, said, "I can plant viruses in their computers!" 

Not to be outdone, of course, Wookiee, a teacher, yells, "And I'll make their kids stupid!"  I lost it.


34)  The Great Rib Eat-Off.  Tony Roma's, when they were open, offered "endless ribs" for $20 or something like that... Mikey, Big Tom, Wookiee and I went to Tony Roma's to participate in this feast of gluttony.  Well, actually, Big Tom got something else, and I think I went the burger route... but Mikey and Wookiee went at it.  And they ate, and ate, and requested more, and ate and ate and ate.  All in all, they ate 50 ribs.  Each.  Between the two of them, they devoured 100 ribs.  The lead cook came out to meet them and tell them that they went through an entire case of ribs, plus 4.  The other patrons watched in horror wonder. 

This is the actual napkin from that day at Tony Roma's.  I dug it from the upstairs back bedroom, which is
full of random Deuce memorabilia that I've somehow been able to keep... who knows if this will make
it back upstairs.

35)  While typing this, its fitting that my 21st favorite movie of all time, "Major League" is on TV... like myself, Wookiee is a huge sports nut, and a sports movie nut too--he shares my love of "Major League"...

just a bit outside... going somewhere, meat?  about 90 feet... and for the Indians, that's one run on, let's see...one hit? That's all we got?  One goshdarn hit? [Monty: You can't say "goshdarn" on the air!] Don't worry; nobody's listening anyway... up your butt, Jobu... hey bartender, Jobu needs a refill!... personally, I think we got hosed on that call... I can't find it, to heck with it!... this guy threw at his own kid in a father/son game... forget about the curveball, Ricky!  Give him the heater! 

...but he also has a big hankerin' for "Mystery, Alaska", something I will admit I've never seen. That's a bad friend on my part.  Hold on...

...I just added it to my Netflix queue, 7th on the list, in between the remake of "Fright Night" and Disc 3 of Everwood's first season. 

Anyway, Wookiee has an almost obsessive love of the Chicago Cubbies, the Boston Celtics and I believe the Dallas Cowboys.  Being a Orioles/Spurs & Magic/Broncos fan, we always had something talk about--especially when it came to college football. 

Though we love the line, now that we are married, Heywood's line "How's your wife and my kid?" doesn't work as well anymore.  Sad.

36)  You can't help but love a guy who does this to a swimming pool... our buddy Drew called it a "complete phenomena of water displacement." 

37)   At our very first DeuceFest, on June 20th of 2000, we had a karaoke machine... too good to pass up, Wookiee joins the father figure of the group, Mikey's dad Mr. Ken on "stage" to sing a rousing rendition of "My Way".  It was quite a hoot.  And a holler.

38)  I became a Christ Follower in January of 1995. He became a Christ Follower a week later, led by the same guy, Reggie MacAllister. It was thrilling to relate our testimonies to each other, and share in such important spiritual matters as our eternal futures.

And one to grow on...

39)   He's my best friend.  Wookiee truly is.  We've known each other since September of 1993, been friends since April of 1994, and he is my brother in Christ and my best mate. 

Happy Birthday, Wookiee.  Hope I made you proud with this dedicated post, though I'm sure there is something vital that I'm forgetting... Next stop... FORTY!!  Well, 39, but FORTY sounds so much more dramatic. 

Everybody's Free to Have a Quiet Time

So, sometimes when I am looking for something blog and I know I have to not only be up in about 7 hours for work, meaning I'll need to be in bed in an hour or so... and so tonight, I found this little gem.  Well, to me its a gem, to you it might just be something to skim on your daily check of Clouds in My Coffee

...which I've noticed I'm getting alot of traffic daily, probably due to The Summer of Blogging--so... thank you so much...

...anyway, its the lyrics to a version of "Everyone's Free to Wear Sunscreen", done by Baz Luhrmann from 1999. 

It originated in 1997, when Mary Schmich of the Chicago Tribune wrote a column entitled "Advice, Like Youth, Probably Just Wasted on the Young".  She described it as "a commencement speech, were I asked to give one".   Over the years, it has been erroneously attributed to Kurt Vonnegat, though it became truly famous when, in 1999, Australian film director Baz Luhrmann used the entire essay in a spoken word song entitled "Wear Sunscreen". 

And by 2000, this song was everywhere.  So, on January 9th, 2001, I did my own version.  And I thought I'd give it to you...

"HAVE A QUIET TIME (EVERYBODY'S FREE)"

Ladies and gentlemen of The Deuce... read scripture.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, a daily quiet time would be it.  The long term benefits of The Word has been proven time after time by God and joy in your life that comes with Him, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice...

...now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of The Deuce.  Oh, never mind, you will never understand the power and beauty of The Deuce until it has disbanded.   But trust me, in twenty years, you will look back at photos of Deuce Christmas and an old DeuceFest shirt and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much fun you had and how fabulous the Deuce guys really looked.

They are not as lazy as you might think.

Don't worry about the future or worry, but know that worrying is as ineffective as McLeod trying to be entertained by watching Jason Takes Manhatten.  The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that has a Mercedes blindsiding your insuranceless car at 10:30pm on a random Tuesday.

Bring one new person to Common Ground, even if it scares you.

If you are Stephanie Campbell, sing.  Unless you are Rebecca Glassco.  Then act.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with Delta Zetas who are reckless with yours.

Use coasters.

Don't waste your time on jealousy... if she likes you, great, if she doesn't, being jealous will only turn her off of you even further.  The race is long and though you may never reach the end, enjoy the run.

Remember compliments Michael gives you, forget his insults.  If you succeed in doing this, you aren't Sarah Hasha.

Keep your old movie tickets.  Throw away any bills.

Slam.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 20 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 25 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of Hamburger Helper.

Be kind to the Nipp family... you'll miss Sunday lunch when its gone.

Maybe you'll get a date, maybe you won't.  Maybe you'll go out twice, maybe you won't.  Maybe you'll go stag at Deuce Date Party, maybe you'll eat cheese fries on your 2nd anniversary.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, dont berate yourself to much either.

God's will is going to happen, whether you like it or not.

Enjoy the Deuce.  Visit every chance you can, don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it.  It has some of the greatest fellowship you'll ever know.

Watch the History Channel at least once a week, even if there are others things on.

Don't worry about the directions, just shove them behind the DVDS.

Do not read Shawn's Better Homes and Gardens, it will only make you feel gay.

Get to know Factor 7's music.  You'll never know when they'll break up for good.

Be nice to your roommates.  They are the best link to paying rent on time, and the people most likely to stick with you when everyone else won't.

Understand that friends come and go, but a precious few you should hold on to. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and gender, for as the older you get, the more you'll need somewhere to go and just relax.

Visit Hunter Street once, but leave before it makes you hard.

Visit Brookhills once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Accept certain inaliable truths... Daniel will have his palm pilot,  and Ty Coffey will own Samford and Mike Williams will try to date Rebecca.  When you get older, you'll fantacize that when you young, Daniel used an ink pen, Mike was meeting girls at Ropers and Ty was merely a Senator.

Respect Wookiee, Sybil and Jimmy, for they are your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to pay your bills.

Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a loaded roommate, but you'll never know when either one will run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you are 40 you will look like you are a minister at Valleydale.

Be careful where you buy your used cds and movies, but be patient with those who supply them. 

Know that advice is a form of nostalgia.  Dispensing it is a way of sharing your opinions without seeming like you are telling the other person what to do.  Usually its recycled advice spoken for more than its worth.

But trust me on the quiet time.

The Summer of Blogging Day Forty One

If You Smell...

Oh, I'm just so tired.  I mean, its all on me, its not like I've been forced into slave labor, but its been a long, crazy weekend, which of course was capped off by

WRESTLEMANIA XXVII

Thaaaaat's right, my best mate Wookiee, my former DeuceMate and buddy Big Tom and myself headed to Atlanta last night for the Super Bowl of Wrestling events, the 27th Annual WrestleMania.  And I won't be naive to think that my readership will be all engrossed in all the details of who won what match, and how it all came down and so on... but I will give you the highlights...

I got to see The Rock.  That's right, The Rock was a guest host, so he came out, did his schtick and was fantastic.  He even interfered in the John Cena match against the WWE Champion The Miz.   As The Rock made his way to the ring, I had no words.  I was speechless.

It was cool to see legends like Shawn Michaels, who was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame, Randy Orton and Edge, who both have cool entrance songs, The Big Show, Kane and others that I see from week to week on WWE Raw.

Stone Cold Steve Austin came out, so it was cool to see him do his thing.  I've never been a huge Stone Cold fan, but I think he's a legend.  Of course, when Booker T returned, and did the spinneroonie in the ring, Stone Cold gave him quite a stunner.

Finally, I will say that in my 25 years of watching wrasslin', I've seen some fantastic matches.  HBK and Bret Hart's Iron Man Match in Wrestlemania XII.  Goldberg and The Rock for the title.  Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat and Ric Flair in the very first Clash of Champions. 

Last night's match between The Undertaker, 18-0 at Wrestlemania matches, against Triple H, 13 time world champion, member of DX, and probably the heir apparent to the WWE when Vince McMahon steps away, was the greatest.  The absolute greatest match I've ever seen, and maybe thats because I watched it live, maybe its because I am so familiar with the lead-up to this match, maybe because The Undertaker ended Shawn Michael's career last year at Wrestlemania... who knows. 

Either way, it was magnificent.  Tons of 2-counts, Triple H being bodyslammed off a table, 'Taker being thrown over the top rope and drop kicked, just one hit after the other.  Wookiee, Big Tom and I hung on every move both H and 'Taker made, and when it was finally over, when H tapped out, all of us were already standing, we were applauding and all we could say was a single word:  "Wow".  It was amazing. 



We got to see The Rock wrestle.  It was a beautiful, tear inducing moment
in my life.

 And of course, at the end, Cena vs. The Miz, and here comes The Rock... and he ends the night with a Rock Bottom on John Cena.  The Miz was able to capitalize and defended the title.

My throat hurt, I was tired, I was hungry and didn't look forward to the 71,614 other people trying to leave The Georgia Dome, but it was truly one of the best events I have ever been too. 

Say what you will about the WWE, and believe me, you've said it--I've heard everything from ridicule to awe when people found out I was going to WM 27--bottom line is, the WWE knows how to put on a show.  We sat in the rafters, yet we still had a great view of the ring, of the entrance ramp, and though we were looking on the side of the WRESTLEMANIA big sign, we still could see just about everything else.  WWE had blocked off the section of seats that would have been impossible to see from, so really, every seat was at least a decent seat.

Anyway, we smelled what The Rock was cooking, and it ruled.

Got Idol stuff coming later this week, and I'm trying to finish a Disney Project this week, and then we'll get back to our regular blogging schedule!  So, be patient Brad Latta!

The Rock Rocks (and other thoughts)

What a glorious day here at The Cabana.  Its my day off, so I was able to sleep until around 10ish this morning, after staying up until 1am watching almost 3 hours of American Idol and another hour of Survivor: Redemption Island, and sometimes when you sleep late, and you do that groggy, wobbly stumble to the toilet for your morning relief, then that shower that comes after is just wonderful.  Got out, had me a quick lunch, then set about the task of finishing the laundry that had been piled up for five days now... well, heck, we were gone for twelve days, so everything we owned was dirty.

Now, I'm just sitting on the couch, chilling out, relaxing all cool, you know, shooting some b'ball outside of the school... okay, thats not true.  Thats too much excercise.  It is a beautiful day outside, and some may criticize me for not being in it... but what would I do?  Run?  Go stand on the corner, inhale the fresh Birmingham/Hoover air and mutter out loud, "Wow, what a pretty day!"?  Nah, I just like it here in The Cabana, all the windows open, the bright sunshine pouring in, and a bad Steven Seagal movie playing on the TV, on a channel with no HD, making it fuzzy, which probably makes it more enjoyable.

I guess "Bad Steven Seagal Movie" is itself an oxymoron.

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So, The Rock, who I have a total mancrush on, is back in the WWE.  It was a glorious return on this past Monday Night Raw, and I watched the twenty minutes or so he was on about three times.  He was in fine form, shouting out things like, "Layeth the smacketh down on your candy a#(@*" and "Know your role and shut your mouth!" and "All you jabronis..."  It made me giggle.  He rules.  He... well, Rocks.



And of course, the big news is, he'll be "hosting" Wrestlemania XXVII, this time in Atlanta, Georgia, on April 2nd.  Myself and my best mate Wookiee had been discussing going anyway, and we were tossing back and forth about a third like Danny Ocean talking to Rusty in "Ocean's Eleven"... "We need one more?  You think we need one more?  Okay, we'll get one more..."

So enter Big Tom Johnson, another former Deucemate.  The discussion of whether we go to Wrestlemania XXVII shifted to overdrive when I found out that The Rock will be there, and a major part of it.  Toss in the possibility that Kevin "Diesel"/"Big Daddy Kool" Nash may be there, as well as Booker T, and even the outside shot that WCW'er Sting might show up--highly unlikely, but then again, so was The Rock's return to regular WWE appearances... anyway, add all that in, and the discussion went from "are we going?" to "how fast can we get tickets?" 

A visit to StubHub (stuuuuubhub!) today got us some tickets.  Granted, we are in the upper upper deck, and granted we'll be about 10 rows from the top of the Georgia Dome, and granted everyone, Diesel, The Rock and The Big Show included, will look about an inch tall from our seats, but WE WILL BE AT WRESTLEMANIA.  If you could get Super Bowl tickets, you'd take 'em, no matter where you were sitting.  And at about $67 bucks a pop, you just want to say you were there.  April 2nd, we will be.  I rule.

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Speaking of The Rock, I just, in the middle of writing this blog post, left The Cabana, drove over to the ghetto and paid a buck at the dollar theater to see The Rock's latest film, "Faster".  To say that "Faster" is a bad film is understating the words "Bad Film".  This movie is flat out terrible.

The Rock plays a character only known as Driver, and that's not his name, that's apparently his role in a bank heist that ended up putting him in prison for ten years.  He and his brother Gary were set up, Gary was murdered, and The Rock, er, Driver, is out to avenge his brother's murder, one by one.  That's really all you need to know, because the plot doesn't get much deeper than that.

This picture in the corner of the screen would
have been better viewing the actual movie. 
Just sayin'.

Oh, well there is some nonsense about a double cross, and a plot twist that I saw coming about thirty minutes into the film, there's Mr. Eko from LOST, there's Carla Gugino looking extremely Carla Guginoey, there's Billy Bob Thornton mailing it in and wearing a horrible hairpiece, and finally, I'd like to put forth a theory that any movie can be made better by inserting Maggie Grace in there somewhere.  She's in this film, and thought I'm not sure why, it helped the scenery a hundred percent. 

Matter of fact, I think that if you know your film is going to be a piece of crap--and I assure you that somewhere in production, the producers looked at each other and said something like "Wow, The Rock or no The Rock, this movie is going blow chunks"--you as a filmmaker have a responsiblity, NAY, a duty to the moviegoing public, at least the male ticket buyers,  to just put a pic of Maggie Grace in her LOST bikini in the corner and leave it there, so we'll have something to occupy our time while the horrible film goes on. 

Let's be real here.  I only saw this because as a guy with a mancrush on The Rock, I try and support his films.  Take out The Rock and insert Jason Statham or Vin Diesel, and I save my money.  However, I can say that I have no problem giving The Rock my buck.   Cause, The Rock rocks. 

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One thing I have to keep reminding myself is... this blog is taking off.  Seriously.  Randomly, I look over and another person has become a "follower", or has left a comment making me say, "Who the heck is this?"  Anyway, got some propz from a reader named Nutsy--no knowledge as to whether thats a cute nickname her hubby gave her or a statement on her mental awareness--who looks like she's from the Northeast.  She added me to her own blogroll, so I felt compelled to do the same... her website is called "Miss Gracie: New Adventures on an Old Boat", and its worth a look.  She seems to be like me... she just writes whatever strikes her fancy, and hopes that someone finds it worth a look. 

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Wanted to mention another site too, started by a friend of mine, Scotty Latta and a buddy of his... its called "Joust", and its a brilliant idea, really.  The tagline is "Pick Your Battles", and essentially, it lets you compete against other people in contests ranging from sports games to The Bachelor.  I personally don't watch the latter, but I am already signed up for American Idol's league, which will come into play when the Top 24 is revealed.  There is no money involved, there's very little gambling terminology tossed around (parlays and over/unders and such), its just picking your battles.  Find it Joust at JoustNow dot com, or just click here.

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I'm flipping channels and stumbling upon a gem.  "School Ties".  Have you ever actually seen this movie?  Its from 1992, and stars Brendan Fraser as David Greene, a teenager in 1955 Pennsylvania, who gets a scholarship to a hoity toity prep school in Massachusetts, St. Matthews.  Problem is, David Greene is Jewish, and St. Matthews is Protestant, so the whole film is all about prejudice and stereotypes... 



Here's Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and Chris O'Donnell, along
with Randall Batinkoff, who went from starring in this hit
to... nothing. 



So David Greene is on the football team, the star QB, the reason he was brought to the school, and everyone is cool with him, he becomes popular, gets him a chick on the swim team (Amy Locane, before the vehicular manslaughter) at a nearby chick prep school, and it seems like everything is awesome... until his secret is discovered.   Then everyone turns on him, including implicating him in a big cheating scandal. 

Appearing in this film are young versions of Ben Affleck (playing a guy named Chesty!) and Chris O'Donnell (before Robin) and Anthony Rapp (before "Rent") and Matt Damon (before anything), and its so bad its awesome.  Not sure why they decided a shower fight scene between Fraser and Damon was a good idea (its PG-13, don't worry) but it just adds to the ridiculousness of "School Ties".

If you come across this film close to the beginning, watch it, enjoy it and dig it.  Didn't even need Maggie Grace in the corner (course she was nine at the time...ew...) but toss The Rock in there and you go from ridiculously awesome to ridiculously awesomer. 

Cause The Rock... well, rocks.

A Movie for Grown Ups

For anyone who knew me in The Deuce days, watching "Grown Ups" this past weekend made me think of one thing... this movie is what Deuce: The Movie would be if Deuce: The Movie was in fact a movie. 

Adam Sandler's films have evolved over the years, starting out a little hokey (remember "Airheads"?  Yeesh...) turning into borderline brilliant silliness and hilarity (I love love love "Happy Gilmore" and "The Waterboy", and know a inordinate amount of people who worship "Billy Madison"), before trying to get into more adult fare with little success--"Eight Crazy Nights", "Punch Drunk Love", "Spanglish" and "Funny People" were anywhere from mediocre to downright bad. 

However, Sandler can still be funny.  And when you throw in the likes of David Spade (who, let's face it, hasn't had a truly funny movie since the Farley days), Chris Rock (hasn't truly been funny in a real movie since "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back"), Rob Schneider (aside from the random funny cameos in most Sandler movies, he was last seen being funny in... in... well, The Lovely Steph Leann liked 'The Hot Chick"--a movie that I dug not for Schneider, but for Anna Faris and Rachel McAdams) and Kevin James (who was truly charming in "Paul Blart", was the funniest part of "Chuck & Larry" and truly held his own with Will Smith in "Hitch"), you have got the potential to have a pretty funny movie.  And for the most part, "Grown Ups" delivers what you would expect. 



Its a movie that features a group of guys who were friends back in the day, all playing on a middle school (back then it was "junior high") basketball team that won the championship... they grow up and lose touch, but are all called back together when their coach passes away.   They end up spending the 4th of July long weekend together, with Sandler playing Lenny, a successful Hollywood agent, married to Roxanne (Salma Hayek) with three completely spoiled brat kids.  Kevin James is Eric, married to Sally (an incredibly good looking Maria Bello) with a couple of problem kids of their own, including a 48 month old son who still likes to nurse... from mom.  Yes, that's 4 years old.

Rob Schneider is Rob, and marries a woman 30 years his elder, which makes for a running gag that eventually gets tiresome, while David Spade is Marcus, a player who never got married and still chases women.  Finally, Chris Rock is Token homemaker Kurt, married to the bacon-bringer-homer and very pregnant Deanne (Maya Rudolph), with a few kids of their own.

What follows in the course of the hour and forty five is a series of vignette-like scenes that carry the group through the weekend as they catch up, learn about family and friendship and say lots of innuendos and poopy farty jokes along the way.  You know, its five guys.  They do run into the grown up versions of the kids they beat on the championship team back in the day, allowing for fellow SNL alums Colin Quinn and Tim Meadows to make appearances, as well as Steve Buscemi, who looks like he's playing his squirrely bug-eyed look to the hilt. 

Some jokes are funny, some fall flat, but you just have to be into this kind of a buddy-reunion movie to enjoy a film like this.  Having lived with three other guys who paid rent and like, seven other guys that didn't, all at the same time, I could relate to this film in terms of how people change, the direction that life takes for some... though I cannot fathom being that close to your homeboys, and then having no contact with them for 30 years.  That's just... well, maybe I'm being idealistic, but that's almost unreasonable.

I almost feel like this could be Shawn, Big Tom, Mikey, myself and Tommy Mac in a few years.  Or Wookiee.  Or Drewski.  Or, if you are thinking Chris Rock, it could be The Hall--though I would think if we reunited for a coach's death, it would be for The Hall's funeral.  Then again, I don't fish... Just sayin'.

The language is fair, not too bad, and with the exception of Maria Bello's booby coming out for a nursing scene (without showing anything, by the way) there's nothing really bad in this film. 

Don't expect to see "Billy Madison" all over again... if you can wait until the Ghetto Theater for a Buck, do so.  If you just have to see it now, take a matinee, otherwise catch it on a rental in probably September or October.

By the way... the soundtrack is absolutely fantastic... REO Speedwagon... J Geils... Journey (something other than "Don't Stop Believin'", for once)... Jefferson Starship... The Kinks... Eddie Money's "Two Tickets to Paradise", one of my 100 favorite songs of all time... and Bob Welch's "Sentimental Lady", which Chris Rock's character declares to be, somewhat correctly, "the whitest song in history"... oh, and one more song that's in the movie, but not on the soundtrack...

That's Bob Seger's "Rock and Roll Never Forgets".  Bob Seger, what the crap, yo?  First, let's be honest, you rock.  "Shakedown" from "Beverly Hills Cop II", rocks.  "Hollywood Nights" rocks.  "Still the Same", "Turn the Page", "We Got Tonight"... they all rock.  And so does this awesome song called "Rock and Roll Never Forgets".  And you can't find it on iTunes. 

If you are Garth Brooks or The Beatles, who have catalogs that are both infamous for not being available, then I can understand.  Why sell on iTunes, you got a bajillion dollars anyway.  But Bob Seger?  Seriously, dude.  Open up that catalog.  I don't want "Greatest Hits Volume 2", I want that one song. 

N*Stync Presents... "Bye Bye Bye"

If you are reading this on Facebook, you'll want to click over to Clouds in My Coffee.  Otherwise, you'll miss the splendor.

Sometimes, you come across something that just has to be shared with the world.  The year was 2000, N*Sync was the biggest band in the entire world, and The Deuce was the most rockin' apartment in the whole, entire universe.

 

And, in our spare time, usually for broadcast during Wednesday night's middle school service, we made videos.  We did several, ranging from movie spoofs to musical bits to one where Mikey not only drove a fire truck, but he also threw the offering plate across the sanctuary like a frisbee.

 

But you have to see this one.  In order of appearance, its Shawn Sharp, Amy Dennis, Tom Johnson, Mikey & Yours Truly and Jason Lazzero.  Video work done by Jimmy Bowling.  Choreography & story outline done by Yours Truly.  Digital work & uploading by Shawn Sharp. 

 

I give you... "Bye Bye Bye".

 

If you can't see the video here, then you can click on the YouTube location

Random notes, just fyi...

• Amy & Jason were both allergic to cats.  Since it took about three hours to shoot this, both were miserable by the end of the night due to the presence of Max & Fisher, the cats of The Deuce.  By the time Amy makes that walk down the hall towards the end, she's about to pass out.
• Yours Truly looks angry here, but its really just a front for the video.  I'm doing some sort of animated hand motion thing... have no clue what that even is.
• Mikey looks angry here because he really was angry.  Unsure if this was the "Post Susan Neese" period just kicking in or what, but he was not a happy guy.
• Filmed entirely in The Deuce.  Notice all the VHS tapes atop and beside the big entertainment center. 
• I tagged Mike Williams and Mike Brunson on this on Facebook, two Mikes that I know from entirely different contexts--however, both will recognize that green and white checkered couch. 
• Finally, I've lost about six pints in tears from laughing so hard as I watch this.  We truly were something... well, something.

 Shawn did some work putting other videos in digital format, so I am sure those will have to come up soon too.

The Shawstavia Redemption

Where are we? Currently, sitting in the back of a police cruiser, handcuffed, in April of 2003. Find out how I got there by reading Part I.

As I sat down to finish the story, The Lovely Steph Leann was headed upstairs to lay that pretty little head to sleep. I mentioned that I had to finish my blog story, which she had not read yet. She asked which story, I told her it was the 2003 arrest, and she rolled her eyes. "I cannot believe you are telling that story." Then she disappeared upstairs.

Back to the story...

The Ford Explorer slowed down as it past the motel parking lot. I watched it turn right onto Highway 31, disappear for a few seconds, then reappear in the shopping center parking lot. I could see in the windows a very confused looking Wookiee behind the wheel, with Mikey and Tom and Shawn with him. The Explorer pulled to the front of the motel, almost looking like they were checking in.

My wrists were a little pained, by the way. Officer Tennessee Titan running back Eddie George had slapped on the handcuffs a little tight, so when Eddie George came back to the car, I asked if he would loosen them a little. I leaned over with my hands out, he obliged, uncuffed and then re-locked them.

Eddie George then turned around to see none other than Deucemate Tom Johnson headed walking towards them. They conversed for a minute or so, apparently with Tom asking permission to take my car back to The Deuce, which was denied, and then asking some questions about my situation... my best guess some years later would be him asking first, "Why is my roommate handcuffed in the back seat of a police car?"

This is different from the question Mikey would have asked, which would be, "Is he going to be deported, and if so, can I get him to sign his rent check real quick?"

Tom came over to the police car, under the watchful eye of Eddie George, looked in the window with a grin and said, "Hey d$." I nodded, "'sup Tom?"

We then chatted for a moment about the weather, about the prospects of Auburn and Alabama this coming fall, the possibility of you know, posting bail and I'm sure Tom made some remark about the soap being dropped and how that was a bad idea.

With Eddie George's permission, Tom was able to go to my car and pull out my debit card. I told Tom to go get about $200 cash out of my account, gave him my pin number, asked him to call Starbucks to let them know I've been delayed (re: detained) and sent him on his way.

About this time, with the fresh smell of bacon in the air, the Vestavia Hill Popo showed up. An old, gruff officer got out, had some words with Eddie George, and just like that, Officer Tennessee Titan running back Eddie George opened the back car door, asked me to step out, and then turned me over to Officer Grumpsalot. Without a word, Officer Grumpsalot opened the back door to his Vestavia Hills Police Cruiser and motioned me inside, which I did with little reaction.

He got behind the wheel, then began the drive up the hill to the Vestavia Hills Police Department. Unlike Eddie George, Officer Grumpsalot didn't say anything. He actually lowered his window about an inch or so, and lit up a smoke. Part of me was bothered by this, because really, I didn't pay a speeding ticket, and had an expired tag... sure that was wrong, and yeah, I need to pay some fines and such, but here I was, sitting in the back of a police car and now the Officer who isn't likely to win any congeniality awards is inhaling a cig, with smoke wafting back to me. There was a cage between us, not glass.

However, another part of me was quite amused by this. I don't feel sorry for anyone in the back of a police car, because whether the punishment fits the crime, the law is what it is, and here's an old school police officer lighting up a Marlboro, and I'm sure if I had said anything about it, he probably would have not only told me where to stick it, whatever "it" might be, he might tell me to go perform bad things on my own accord. So I kept quiet, slowly developing second hand cancer from the ride to the station.

I sighed and half-smiled as we passed Starbucks, the same one that I was supposed to be working at, by now a good 30 minutes. Keep in mind, I'm still wearing my Starbucks hat and my red shirt... and several of the officers frequent this Starbucks. Unfortunately, Eddie George nor Officer Grumpsalot were one of those.

We pulled into the station, he got out, pulled me out and led me inside, through a small lobby and into the booking room. That's right, I said "booking room". I could see the camera set up at the far end, and in the next room, a small counter with a few pads of black ink--fingerprinting. Beyond that, a small doorless entry way leading to what I glimpsed and could only guess to be... jail cells. Two of them, one on each side.

Another man, a tall, heavyset guy who looks like he'd be completely comfortable sitting 1) on a Harley hog and 2) at a buffet, was getting his mugshot taken. Officer Grumpsalot uncuffed me, handed me over to a nice older lady who could have passed for my grandmother, were she not wearing a police uniform and about to take my mug shot. She instructed me to stand in front of the camera, and hold a small black board.

The black board read, in removable tile letters "D-A-V-I-D D-O-L-L-A-R", and had a series of numbers under it. I held it, faced the camera, and it flashed. "Turn to the side, sweetie," she instructed, as if she were offering me a glass of tea to go with my cookies. I turned, held the sign beside me and the camera flashed again.

She led me over to the fingerprinting area, where Philo Beddoe the Biker was standing. She told me to just have a seat until Philo was done. I sat, sighing, leaning back in the chair. Really, I could have been upset... but why? It is what it is. I messed up, I was careless, and I got caught. I honestly found the entire episode more funny than anything else, though I was little worried about missing my shift at Starbucks, and there still was the issue of The Girlfriend Steph Leann, though by now, I had decided to just not tell her.

As I sat, a few of the police officers that I recognized walked in. One, who we called Officer Spill due to his propensity for knocking over drinks on our Starbucks counter (he'd done it twice by this time), saw me, looked bewildered, then smiled. "Well, guess we had better be careful that you don't spit in our drinks, huh?" I smiled back, thinking to myself, "Yep, and you no longer are going to receive quality drinks from my hand."

Remember that scene in "Con Air", when Cyrus the Virus asks Guard Falzon, "Oh, stewardess? Stewardess? What's the in-flight movie today?" and Guard Falzon says,"Well, I think you'll like it, Cyrus. It's called "I'll Never Make Love to a Woman on the Beach Again", and it's preceded by the award-winning short, "No More Steak for Me, Ever". He laughs and walks away, and Cyrus the Virus throws out a fake laugh before saying, "Funny f($**@+, aren't ya?"

I felt like that.

Philo Beddoe was done with his fingerprinting, and the officer led him into the small adjacent room. I heard the groan, followed a few seconds later by the clanging of a jail cell door closing. I was led to the fingerprinting counter, and the older lady with me gently took my left hand, then put my index finger on the ink pad. She rolled it onto the black ink, then moved it over to a large card.

My finger was placed and rolled on a square marked "Left Index". A few seconds later, the square marked "Left Middle" was marred by a black fingerprint, followed by the ring, the pinky, then the thumb.

Philo Beddoe, from inside his cell, called out, "Can I call my brother again?" One of the officers responded, "Yeah, just give me a minute and I'll get you the phone." I asked, "What are you in for?" and Philo Beddoe responded, "Funny thing, really. I got a speeding ticket about five years ago, right before I was moving to Florida. Forgot that I got it. I haven't been back to Birmingham in five years, and I came this weekend to see my parents. Got pulled over for some routine traffic stop, and here I am. What about you?"

"Dude, that sucks. Yeah, kinda the same. Got a ticket I forgot to pay, so here I am."

"Tell you one thing, man. When my brother gets here and gets me out, I ain't never coming back to Birmingham again. That's for dang sure."

I looked at the officer who was finishing up inking and rolling my right hand and asked, "Am I going to be in the jail cell?"

She nodded and said, "Yes."

What was jail like, you ask? Well, all I can say is, the first night's the toughest, no doubt about it. They march you in naked as the day you were born, skin burning and half blind from that delousing crap they throw on you, and when they put you in that cell, when those bars slam home, that's when you know it's for real. Old life blown away in the blink of an eye. Nothing left but all the time in the world to think about it. Most new fish come close to madness the first night. Somebody always breaks down crying. Happens every time. The only question is, who's it gonna be? I remember my first night. Seems like a long time ago.

Fortunately for me, The Deuce saved the day. A police officer came in and saw me, red shirt, black Starbucks hat, black inked fingers and nodded. "Your d$, right?" I nodded. "You got an entourage out here."

I followed him out into the main lobby, and there stood Mikey, Shawn, the honorable Rev'rn Ty, Tom, Wookiee and my buddy Demastus, Atty at Law, and as I walked in, the applauded. I nodded my head, smiled, and bowed.

"So, uh... can I get a ride to work?" I asked into the crowd.

The aftermath started by getting my car out of impound, which cost me about $110. I had to pay my fines, which strangely enough wasn't as much as I thought. Because I had such an old speeding ticket, my license was suspended unbeknownst to me. So when I was stopped, it was taken from me, and I was given a "driving with a suspended license" fine, in addition to my expired tag fine, and of course, the cost of the original ticket. However, I paid $155 the night I was sprung from prison, and subsequently, that was it. I called later, and was told that it was now paid up with my previous payment.

To this day, I'm not sure if the $155 I paid was for the tag, the license or the ticket, or maybe it was discounted because I'm a member in good standing of The Deuce, and truly, The Deuce Abides.

Now... The Girlfriend Steph Leann was another story. I went on to work, and caught much ribbing from the fellow baristas about being a convicted felon in their midst. Bummed a ride home, and the next morning, I got a phone call. It was Stephanie.

"Hey baby, how are ya?" she asked.
"I'm great," I responded. I had gone back and forth on whether to tell her or not, and had decided that I would just keep quiet, for now. Perhaps one day, when we were married, sitting on our front porch just covered in grandchildren and saying things like "No!" and "Stop that!", I would pipe up and say, "Hey, let me tell you a funny story about a time before we were engaged."

I never had that chance.

"So how was your night last night? Anything in particular you want to tell me?" she asked. She knew. Somehow, some way, she knew.
"Nothing really. Worked. Came home."
"Was ARRESTED?!?!?!"
"Well, yeah, that too."
"Yeah, Ty called me last night. I was eating dinner with my parents, and got this phone call, and had to fake it with them like it was nothing. YOU'D BETTER BE GLAD YOU DIDN'T CALL ME, OR I WOULD HAVE LEFT YOUR (@**# A#($** IN JAIL!!!" (she didn't really say curse words or use punctuation in her comments, but it was rather strong). To this day she still contends that she would have left me there. And to this day, I still remember that Rev'rn Ty sold me out.

All these years later, the whole thing still resonates. Sometimes people ask me if I'm rehabilitated. Well, there's not a day goes by I don't feel regret. Not because I was in jail, or because you think I should be. I look back on the way I was then: a young, stupid kid who committed that terrible crime. I want to talk to him. I want to try and talk some sense to him, tell him the way things are. But I can't. That kid's long gone and this old man is all that's left. I got to live with that. Rehabilitated? It's just a crap word. So you go on and make your judgements, sonny, and stop wasting my time. Because to tell you the truth, I don't give a rip.

So there it is. The story that was never told has now been told. Perhaps Mikey, Tom, Wookiee, Shawn-Fu, Ty and The Lovely Steph Leann will remember it differently, but that's how it happened in my mind. Hope you enjoyed my tale of lawlessness, reckless abandon and appreciate the fact I left out the gangster wars and rape from my time in the joint.

Thank you again for reading the blog, and here's to the next 500 posts, to getting to 50,000 hits in the next two years and I'll have you to thank for it all. You guys rock.

Arrested Developments (#500)

(Authors note... while this post was written in 2009, this particular paragraph is written on 10/3/14... I'm working on the blog itself, weeding through posts, deleting some things that don't make any sense, and so on.  At this point, I've gotten rid of about 35 posts--I was at 996 before today.  That means that even though this is declared at Post 500... if you do the math, it's actually somewhere around 460 or so.  But at the time, it was 500... so just go along with it =)

Not too long ago, I found a website that would print your blog. You can upload it, and within a few seconds, you'd get your blog in a book form that you can print! For a small fee, of course.

Anyway, I did the necessary steps to see what it would look like. And I waited. And I waited. And I waited. And I waited some more. I flew to NYC, saw a Broadway play, flew back, drove to Gadsden, had a nice Waffle House breakfast with NYCJenni, on the way back, stopped and played some gin rummy with KT, found Hurricane Rhett broken down on the side of the road, so I gave him a lift to Tupelo, Mississippi, came back, had dinner with The Lovely Steph Leann while conferencing Erin the Marine Wife on her new book, "Semper Wife", played tennis with Mikey and Jim Courier, then had a six movie marathon starring Amy Adams, whom I'm in love with. And I waited some more.

FINALLY, it came up. And for the low, low price of only $606.45, YOU can order your own copy of Clouds in My Coffee's Blog Book, and enjoy all 1709 pages of it. None of that was a typo.

Whether I'm any good or not is subjective--I'm sure there are some that would never visit this page other than to mock me, and there are others that visit every day... I know that at least 130 people have this page bookmarked in their browser, and many of you have this site linked on your own webpage (though Amy Mc, you don't. And we're going to have to change that somehow). None of that is trying to be all braggadocious, its just a pride of after four years of work, this page has some legs, and keeps growing.

I thought long and hard about what to do for this particular posting... I mean, you don't do your 500th blog every day, and it will be another 3 to 4 years before I get to 1,000, so I wanted to mark the occasion with something a little extra special. I went back and forth on ideas, thinking about actually introducting a website, then thinking I'd do a page of my favorite columns or maybe your favorite columns and then I thought of doing pictures, or music or something... but a few days ago, when The Lovely Steph Leann and I were driving through Vestavia Hills, it hit me. I'd tell a story.

I'd tell a story that hasn't been told online. I'd tell a story that several people know, but perhaps had forgotten... or had heard in second or third hand. I'd tell a story that The Lovely Steph Leann has told me her parents don't even know. Yet, anyway.

Its April 2003. I started at Starbucks on February 1 of that same year, and had been at the brand new Vestavia store for two months. The reasons for working at Starbucks were two fold... first, I had a girlfriend that I really liked a whole heckuva lot. So much so that I wanted to buy this chick a ring. Second, I had debt. I mean, we've covered this in previous blogs here and here, but anyone who knows me knows that in my younger day, I didn't do so very good with money.

Starbucks, at the time, was paying me a nice $6.55 per hour to hustle lattes, sling coffee, grind some beans and truly have a good time. And Starbucks is a good time, don't let anyone ever tell you differently.

Part of my debt was credit cards, part of my debt was personal loans, the majority was student loans, another big chunk was the car payment, and another chunk was the car insurance that I had gotten, finally. (June 2000 was when they mandated that all Alabama drivers have car insurance... guess who just got some?). But, at Starbucks, I was starting to make some headway. I was close to having my first card paid off, my AT&T Universal, and was saving some money up for this ring idea that I had.

The Deuce Guys were happier, especially Mikey, cause suddenly, instead of getting my rent and utility checks up last, or a few days late, I was plopping my power bill check on the bulletin board a good ten days before it was due. I mean, I was pulling at least $300 extra per month, after taxes and it was glorious.

So, its a Friday night. I pull out of The Deuce Parking Lot and onto Southland Drive. Its probably around 515ish or so, I have to be at work at 530ish, and I'm wearing my red Starbucks shirt, apron in my front seat. I leave behind Wookiee on the couch, Mikey on the other couch, Tom in his room and Shawn-Fu on the computer.

Being a Friday, traffic seems a little heavier that normal, and I pull to a stop behind another car at a red light. For those of you unfamiliar with the area, or have been gone so long from it that you barely remember this, Southland Drive is a little road that spills into Highway 31.

Highway 31 is one of the major highways in Birmingham, and if you turn right onto 31, you'll head towards the main Hoover area of the Galleria Mall and towards the towns of Pelham and Alabaster. If you turn left, which I was going to do, you'll pass turn lanes to Interstate 65, you'll go under the 65 overpass, and head into Vestavia Hills.

As I sit on Southland Drive, to my right is a small shopping center that contains Ellis Piano, the Purple Onion (to this day still a fave eatery of myself and The Lovely Steph Leann), David's Bridal (which in the years has since moved down 31) and a few other shops. To my left is a hotel that has gone through several name changes, only being a "brand name" you'd recognize just once, a long time ago. There's a restaurant there called... something or other, but Mikey and I went there once and I remembered it being terrible. The Where We Eatin' Blog would take it down, I'm sure. In the years since, the hotel has been torn down and... well, I'm trying to remember what is even there now.

So, to my right is the shopping center, to my left is the motel... and behind me at this very moment? A police officer. In a police car. And it is at this very moment that I remember... my tag is expired. Its April. I'm a "D", so that means I renew in January. Do the math.

The officer did the math, and before I could utter any sort of profanity that only I and God would hear that I might feel bad about later, the lights came on. The red light changed to green, and I wheeled over into the parking lot of the motel and turned the car off. Another ticket. This will suck. And my girlfriend, the Dating Steph Leann, who has been reminding me of getting this taken care of, will not be happy. However, my thought is to pay it off quickly, and just not mention it. That would be easier, right? Right.

Sighing, I pull my wallet out, or my dayplanner, or whatever it was that I was carrying at the time and set it on the passenger seat, and put both hands on the steering wheel. The big, black, behemoth of an officer came to my window and smiled. He looked like Eddie George, the then-Tennessee Titan running back.

"License and registration, please," he said. Then added, "Proof of insurance."
"Yes sir," I replied, friendly enough. I pulled out my license and my Geico insurance information.
"Do you know why I pulled you over, d$?"
"I am guessing it has something to do with my tag being a couple of months overdue, right?"
"Yep," he nodded, writing on his little tablet. Not looking up, he said, "Normally, if its a month late, I don't worry about it, but yours is three months past. I just couldn't let it slip." He looked up, nodded again and turned to his car. "Just sit right there for me, I'll be right back."

Eddie George got back in his police car, and I looked down at the clock. It was 5:42. I was going to be late, and I hated being late. And even worse, Eddie George was taking forever... finally, he got out of his vehicle, and walked back to the car.

"I'm going to ask you to step out of the car, d$," Eddie George said, suddenly sounding very official. Uh... okay...

I unbuckled my seatbelt, opened the door and stepped out. "Can I ask what the problem is, officer?" That is always such a cheesy movie line, until you are forced to ask it for real.

"Are you aware that you have a speeding ticket that is outstanding from 2000?"
"Uh... no. But I have a feeling I'm aware of it now."
"Please turn around, sir. I'm going to have to take you into custody."
"Seriously? Like, you are seriously going to arrest me?"
"I'm afraid so."

I turned around, and like something out a comedy, Eddie George grabbed my wrists and I felt the metal around my arms snap into place and the handcuffs were squeezed tightly. Eddie George led me to his car and opened the backseat. He nodded toward the backseat, and I climbed in.

"Well," I asked, looking up at Eddie George. "Now what happens?"
"I am a Hoover Police Officer. I've called Vestavia, someone's going to come and take you to their police station."
"Okay, officer, seriously... are these handcuffs necessary? I mean, I'm in a Starbucks shirt. You have my keys. Where am I going to go?"
"Sorry, man. Its policy. I gotta keep you there."

I then glanced over and looked at my car. Where would it go?

"Can I ask what will happen to my vehicle?"
"It's going to be impounded."
"Impounded? Like, I live right there," I nodded my head toward a clump of trees. "See those trees? I live on the other side of them. We could walk there in six minutes. Can I not leave the car here?"
"Sorry about that... its the rules. This is a private business, so it can't stay here."
"What about if... I dunno... you let me drive it, and you follow me back to my apartment. Take me in there. If I try to drive away, you know where I live, or you can just shoot my tires or something."
This got a chuckle out of Eddie George, who had had a half-smile on his face already. He seemed as if he knew I was just a guy who made a mistake, was no real harm, but he was just following the rules he had to follow. Didn't fault him for that.

"Man, if you did that and something happened, do you know how much trouble I'd be in? Gotta leave it here."
"Oh, I got it... my roommate Tom can just get the keys. I can leave them in the floorboard, he will just drive it back. Seriously, man, if you impound the car, its going to cost me like, a hundred bucks when I could stand on my hood of where my car is right now and throw a baseball through my bedroom window." Now this was a lie, because my arm strength has never been very good, but you get the point.

Again, he chuckled, but shook his head. "No can do, my man. No can do."

Finally, it was time to bring up the elephant in the room, so to speak. Say the awkward thing that was there... let's just say it.... "Did you know you look like Eddie George?"

Eddie George smiled again, "Yeah, I've been told that a few times."
"They won 11 last year. Think they'll pick up what they need in the draft?"
"Dunno, man. They need some offensive help, McNair can't do it all by himself."
"They'll be fine. They got a big year ahead."
"Oh, I agree. I see at least 10, 12 wins next season." He pushed a button on his walkie-talkie and took a few steps back.

I sat back as much as I could, though it was harder when your hands are behind your back, pressed against the plastic seat. It was a bonafide plastic bench. I looked around, traffic whizzing by, knowing that I was going to be all kinds of late, or not show up, and I glanced over toward Southland Drive. I couldn't help but grin as I saw a red Ford Explorer, with four faces glued to the window, almost like a scene in a comedy.

In the front, Wookiee, while driving, was staring out the window. Next to him I saw the face of Shawn-Fu, and behind them, I saw the face of Tom Johnson and Mikey. The Explorer was going about seven miles per hour, all faces glued on the red car that they knew was mine parked in the parking lot, and probably the shape in the backseat of the police cruiser that they knew was me.

Mikey called The Rev'rn Ty, and said only, "Ty. The (fecal matter) has hit the fan."

Coming Thursday... Arrested Development's Conclusion...