Doin' the Cabbage Patch

Traditionally, the Campbell family heads to the beach for the week of Thanksgiving.  (In years of doing this blog, I can't remember if I've said this before, so forgive me if I have).  Usually, Yours Truly and The Lovely Steph Leann join with Tyler, the brother-in-law, Big Daddy Ron and Mama Ruthie (the parent-in-laws), Angie (the sis-in-law) and her husband Randy, and their two kids Nephew Benjamin and Niece Madeliene, load up on a Sunday, travel to Edgewater in Panama City Beach and part of the family stays in a cushy, top corner floor four bedroom condo, while another part of the family (Angie, Randy & the kids) stays in a cushy, top floor, just down the hall condo, and we spend the week enjoying the sun, being lazy, doing a little shopping, cooking Thanksgiving dinner, eating Thanksgiving dinner, eating Thanksgiving leftovers and then packing up on Saturday for a return home.

My first holiday with the Campbell family came in 2003, when we were in a Sandestin condo, but then I enjoyed the preferrable PCB place in 2004, 2005 and 2006.  We broke tradition in 2007 and went to The Most Magical Place on Earth for the week, and in 2008, due to taking a job with The Happiest Place in the Mall, I watched while the family rolled down to Panama City Beach on Sunday, and I had to join them Tuesday, only to come back on Thursday night, while the rest of the family returned a few days later. 

Here is the entire family, taken at the country club where we had Thanksgiving dinner (more on that later).  From left to right, Big Daddy Ron, Mama Ruthie, The Lovely Steph Leann, Yours Truly, Nephew Benjamin (in front), Angie, Niece Madeleine, Randy and Tyler

This year was different.  Big Daddy Ron and Mama Ruthie have been friends with the Young Family for a while, that being Bill & Terry, and The Lovely Steph Leann were friends with their kids Jason & Jennifer.  Terry lost a battle to cancer some time ago, as Jason married Jada (she's white, by the way.  you know you were asking) and Jennifer married Jake, and they all had kids.

This year, Bill, Jason & Jada and the kids and Jake and Jennifer and the kids had worked it out with The Campbell Family to meet up in a couple of cabins in Ellijay, Georgia.  I had no clue where this even was, and had I not heard The Lovely Steph Leann say, "it's north of Atlanta", then I would have been even further in the dark.  As it stands, The Youngs, The Smiths (that being Jennifer & Jake), The Campbells and The Wests (that being Randy & Angie and the kids) went to Ellijay, Georgia, on Monday, leaving Tyler and myself to come on Tuesday.  Tyler had finals at the U of A (they got 12) and I had to dish out some magic on Tuesday. 

Tyler and I left around 315p Tuesday afternoon, and utilizing the GPS, we traveled down I-20, through Atlanta, stopped at Waffle House for a large dinner (tried the buttermilk waffles for the first time... eh... terrible aftertaste) and arrived in Ellijay later that evening.  There are cabins all up and down the side of this small mountain, and the little truck on the GPS looked as if it were following a crazy squiggly line--which is essentially what we were doing.

Anyway, we arrived, unloaded and relaxed.  It was a quaint little cabin, on a riverside (the name of the cabin was "River's Edge", which only reminded me of that 1980s Keanu Reeves & Crispin Glover movie where one of them killed his girlfriend and asked his friends to help hide the body--Happy Thankgiving!) with several bedrooms (The Lovely Steph Leann & I took the basement room, while Tyler took the gameroom/den area just outside), several bathrooms, a front & back porch, and a fire pit area.

So, Wednesday morning, as I mentioned in the previous little snippet, I had to choose whether to go sit in a golf cart for five hours while everyone else played a sport that I have no interest in (why can't someone in this family say, "Hey, the guys are going to play tennis"?) or go visit a landmark that I have no interest in.  I chose the latter, mostly because later that day, we'd be touring Dahlonega, a little town with an antique square--and I kind of enjoy antiquin'...

And here are some snapshots of Babyland General Hospital in Cleveland, Georgia...

It kinda looks like a mansion, or a plantation house.  It might have been both, who knows.  Anyway, they were in another location until apparently last week, as as soon as you walked in, I smelled fresh paint.  The lady (nurse?) at the desk told us they had been in this building for about 4 days or so.  There was a huge open field in front of it, and I immediately thought, "Man, that would be awesome to play flag football on that field."
Poor Nephew Benjamin.  He's a Power Ranger, Ninja Turtle, Lego Bionicle, Ben-10 lovin' little 8 year old, and this was not the place he wanted to be.  He came knocking on our door early Wednesday morning, asking, "Can I go with you and Aunt The Lovely Steph Leann?  Mama and Madeleine are going somewhere I DO NOT want to go!"   I laughed and said, "Well, unfortunately, I think we are going there too.  But you can hang out with me, and we guys can make fun of everything."

If only that kid had a blog site.  Later, while in the midst of the doll horror, he rmarked, "I'm so ready to go.  There is NOTHING here for me, there is NOTHING here I want."  I said, "I feel ya, man, I feel ya." 

Lots and lots of celebrities have visited Babyland General, including, but not limited to, Robert DeNiro, Shari Lewis, Hugh Hefner, Pat Benetar, Steve Martin, Stevie Wonder (he didn't see anything he liked), Tony Danza, Buzz Aldrin, Tom Hanks, Patti LaBelle, Michael Jackson (he only wanted the boy dolls... what?  too soon?), George Bush, Bill Clinton and yes, Bo Duke himself, John Schneider.  And John Schneider's mullet.  There are at least a hundred 8x10 autographed photos on the wall, but I didn't see anything past 1998--and I only say 1998 because Michael Jackson had it dated on his photo.

Somehow, its not cool to visit Babyland General Hospital anymore. 




I came upon this kid on the shelf, and it frightened me slightly.  Perhaps that is because I'm in the middle of re-reading "'Salem's Lot" by Stephen King, and excellent vampire story. 

This is one of those dolls that, if you were trapped in Babyland General overnight, and the doors were locked, would come alive and lead the Evil Doll group in an effort to maim you.  Happy Thankgiving!

And another thing... these names!  "Brady Holden" is at least acceptable... but "Lon Anton"?  What about "Willodean Ruth"?  "Skye Joyce"?  I mean, I guess you could say that some of these kids get beat up by other Cabbage Patch Kids, but chances are, other Cabbage Patch Kids have terrible names too. 

I found this whole place kinda creepy.  Here is part of "The Cabbage Patch".  The heads, though you cannot see it in still photography, are rising a little up and down out of the cabbage leaves.  No kidding.  They come up a little, they fall, they come up, they fall. 

I came upon this little basket of what is supposed to be Christmas Ornaments.  Little plastic balls with babies inside.  But when I saw this, I didn't think "Christmas Ornament".  I thought "The Matrix".  Harvesting these kids, plugging them in and sucking the energy out of them. 

And the $9.99 tag on them was considerably cheap.  Some of these things were going for up to $79.99... some of them are handcrafted (by little Mexican and Chinese children trapped in hot basement, working for 3 cents per hour and a promise to bring their illegal family over, no doubt) and have soft, cloth faces. 

Some of them are only slightly handcrafted, and have hard, plastic faces.

All of them, however, are apparently "born".  While I was using the powder room, I heard the announcement, "Attention, if you would like to attend the birth of our newest Cabbage Patch Kid, please gather around the big tree in the middle of the room."  I thought, "Oh, this should be good." 

I joined the large group by the big tree, and witnessed as... well... I bore witness to a... a cabbage leave... giving birth... spitting out an actual doll.  It was kinda weird.  Then, she asked for names, and some kid yelled out "Zinc!"  The Lovely Steph Leann and Angie corrected me when I whispered "Zinc?", as they said, "No, Zeke".  The "attending nurse" asked for a middle name, and some other kid yelled "CJ!", so the newborn Cabbage Patch Kid became "Zeke CJ".  Only, it was in fact "Zinc", because I saw it on the birth certificate.  I told The Lovely Steph Leann, "When you want to know what NOT to name your kid, you come here."

Of course, when you can't find a good name, you can always go with a solid wrestler name.  This CPK got named "Keven Nash", which made me immediately think of Kevin Nash, part of the former tag team champs The Outsiders, co-founder of the nWo and then later, The Wolfpac (which had the coolest theme song for a faction in the history of the wrestling universe).  Anyway, I guess being named "Keven Nash" is better than being named "Diesel", or "Big Daddy Diesel".  Then again, that's kind of a cool name... Diesel $.  Not sure The Lovely Steph Leann would go for it, but hey. 

And finally, here's a cute little picture managed to take... not sure you can see it clearly, but let me describe for you what I saw.  I see these cute/creepy little Cabbage Patch Kid dolls, sitting side by side.  Now, most of these things look pretty similiar, but different color eyes and a different outfit can easily fool the common five year old into thinking his little Cole Jaxon is different from that other four year old's little Max Butch.  However, I spotted these two, looking exactly alike.  Both have big tags that say "Limited Edition", and both, in the bottom left corner, say "I'm One of a Kind!".  Do you know how many of these things I found, pink dress, brown eyes, baby rattle and such?  Fourteen.  Fourteen that are "One of a Kind".  I counted.  There might have been more.

Since this is already a long blog, I'll stop... I'll keep writing the rest of the weekend for your reading pleasure, and post it later...

Click here for the conclusion of the Thanksgiving week, "Dahlonega Days & Thanksgiving Buffets"

The World's Wildest Blog Videos Caught On Tape

Hey... big ups to Joey Thornell and Alissa Kelly, who got engaged tonight! Joey is a great guy, and Alissa is a beautiful girl, and together, it seems just right, doesn't it? Congrats!!
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One of the biggest shockers in Idol's history... and I wasn't surprised. Well, okay, I was a little surprised, but inevitably, someone who could potentially win gets voted off before someone who has no business advancing.

Michael Johns fell victim to the same curse that saw Daughtry, Melinda Doolittle, Kimberly Locke, even CheezyDeezy, and countless others get the boot, while watching lesser talented (in this case Syesha Mercado) or less interesting (in this case, KLC) advance, to join Jasmine Trias, Sanjaya, Josh Gracin and even Taylor Hicks in the "Shouldn't Be Still Here" group.

I can actually agree when they say "this is the most talented group ever", because truly, when David Rob Thomas Cook, Young David Archuleta, My Next American Idol Brooke White, Irish Carly Smithson and The Dreadlocked One Jason Castro go head to head as the final five, its going to be awesome... if they all make it that far. Let's face it--I like The Black Julia Stiles. I think she's borderline hot. But she's kinda boring, really. And KLC? There's nothing interesting about her. She seems pleasant, but she's not My Next American Idol.

Bottom line is, Michael Johns deserved to stay. His version of "Dream On", while not perfect, truly wasn't his worst. But that's me.
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I do love my DirecTV. There's a Jewelry Channel. Like, really. Right now, I'm watching truTV (formerly CourtTV), some show called "Bait Car". I don't really know the premise of the reality show, or as TruTV says, "actuality show", other than... well, "bait cars" are placed out to bait car thieves. Apparently, it works, hence, the show "Bait Car".

The in-car dash cam catches this exchange between a father and son:
Son, realizing the cops are behind him: Go! Just go, dad, go!
Father, drunk: Naw, son, they got us
Son: No dad! Just hit the gas! Go!
Father, pulling over: Naw son, they got us. They got us.
Police, in the background and getting out of their car: Put your hands where we can see them!
Son, raising his hands straight up through the open sunroof: I love you, dad

No, KT, I'm not making any of this up.

Another show I dig on truTV is Panama City Beach Patrol, which is just what it sounds like. Cameras follow the Panama City Police during Spring Break. I hail from Samson, AL, which is about 70 minutes north of Panama City... actually, take a left out of my parents driveway, head down Hwy 87, which turns to Hwy 81 when you cross the Florida line, travel another 50 miles, take a left, then take a right, and 15 minutes later, you're at the water. You could literally skip school, enjoy five hours at the beach, then get back before the last bell rang. Not that I did that.

Anyway, its fun to watch Panama City Beach Patrol, because I totally recognize, and have actually stayed, at some of the hotels and motels in the background. I watch the show, and I'm like "Hey, I made out with Labett White there!" or "Hey, I danced in a fire lit circle outside of that hotel!" or "I went to that club!"

Crap like this is a guilty pleasure--though I'm not a big fan of "Cops", cause there's only so much redneck I can take. I love those "World's Wildest Police Chase" shows too... Once, while actually in Panama City, I was about to head out of the hotel room to enjoy the sunshine of a 75 degree day. One of those shows was on, and I ended up sitting down and watching it. Drew Morris came in. He started watching it. Shawn Sharp walked in, and he too was caught. Another guy came in, and was sucked in. So, at the worlds most beautiful beaches, on a nice 75 degree day, when there are scantily clad Christian girls outside in inappropriate bikinis (this was a churchy type retreat), and there are four guys, watching two hours of "World's Wildest Police Chases" on the local Fox affiliate.

On right now? "The Smoking Gun presents The World's Dumbest Drivers Caught On Video", featuring commentary by Danny Bonaduce, Tonya Harding and Leif Garrett. I love my life.

Watching this show, though I did flip through the channels though, and on certain settings, you can see the information about a show as you continue to watch the original show. This is important to know the channel never changes when I tell you that right now on Cinemax is "Bikini Girls From Lost Planet". I only mention this because the info says "Scantily clad women are pleasing to the eye". I laughed.
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I just realized that I've got 9,830 files on my iPod, a collection of songs, videos, TV shows and other fun stuff... and nowhere is Bobby Darin's "Mack the Knife". This is a travesty that must be corrected immediately.

I'll download it tomorrow, at the same time as "Over the Rainbow", the version by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole, as peformed by The Dreadlocked One this past week on Idol. I'd heard this version behind some commercial, but didn't know who was singing it... now I know it, and I'll own it. I rule.
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Seems I have lots of C-list celebrity friends... many of you readers know that Ambre Lake and I, from "Rock of Love 2 with Bret Michaels", were friends in college, went out once, and did children's theater together. I'm also friends with Michael Warren, local musician and on the verge of breaking it big. And now, my buddy Bobby Black (turn up your volume, then click on the top section... its priceless) found me on Facebook, and not only has he done some successful cruise work, he's been headlining with his group The Las Vegas Tenors.


Bobby is the one on screen when you see "A Night To Remember!" splash across the screen.

He also told me he's friends with Paige Davis. I love Paige Davis. Seriously. Now I'm jealous.

Which brings me back to The Panama City Beach Patrol... they rescued some kid from alcohol poisoning at the same Holiday Inn that Miranda Bryant, Mandy Stewart, Bobby Black and I stayed in, when... you know, this is where the circle of fire comes in... you only thought I was kidding about the part, didn't you?
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Last summer, I worked really hard on assembling my favorite 100 movies of all time, in list form. I called it The Dave100. Then, I set out to list them, one by one, starting at 100, all the way to my favorite movie ever. Well, life caught up, as it tends to do, and I never got past the first ten movies or so... in that time, I've managed to see a few more films, such as "The 40 Year Old Virgin" that I absolutely love, and films like "Enchanted" that I know I'll be able to watch over and over and over...

And I've reviewed my original list, and seen a few movies near the bottom that, last summer, I really was crazy about, but upon further review today, perhaps aren't as good as some. I watched half of "To Kill a Mockingbird" today--my pick for the Greatest Film Ever Made--and realized it should be ranked higher. I love that movie.

And... my number one has changed. I have a new favorite movie, really for the first time in about, I don't know, 18 years.

So, with all that in mind, plus a few new people I can call on to commentate, such as KT, or Jason, or even DeLisa and husband DeNick, I'm going to restart the list this summer... restart and finish the list this summer. That's my pledge.
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On the "The Smoking Gun presents The World's Dumbest Drivers Caught on Video", just saw a clip of guy who had stolen a car, veered off the road and jumped out to surrender. Only, he forgot to put the truck in park. He leaps on the ground, puts his hands behind his head, and the truck proceeds to roll over his leg. The funniest thing was, the guy kept his hands behind his head when he started screaming in pain, and rolling around, and the cops just ran up and planted their feet in his back.
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Okay, I just flipped through the channel guide, and saw that "The Last of the Mohicans" is coming on Starz! tonight, at around 130am. I don't plan on being awake, but if I am, I'll end up watching it. "The Last of the Mohicans" is not only in the Dave100, (Spoiler Alert!) its in the Dave25... just an incredible movie.

When Daniel Day-Lewis is holding on to the then-hot Madeleine Stowe in the waterfall cave, you hear one of the greatest Pimp lines ever... "No, you submit, do you hear? You be strong... you survive... you must stay alive, no matter what occurs! I will find you. No matter how long it takes, no matter how far, I will find you."

It's God's will that I didn't deliver these lines to Kathy Hollingsworth my freshman year of college, because she would have totally been mine had I done so. I'm okay with how it turned out, ya know?