Showing posts with label growing up. Show all posts
Showing posts with label growing up. Show all posts

Monday, February 10, 2014

clarity from an invisible jet

(I originally titled this post "Jumping Sticks", and was going to be a lesson from the Samson playground... and somehow, it went a different direction.  So I'll still write "Jumping Sticks" later... but for now, enjoy this "Lesson From Home")

When I moved to Alabama in October of 1984, they had just built Samson Elementary School.  I left Mrs. Underwood's 4th grade class Ridgetop Elementary in Austin, Texas, to join Mrs. Smith's 4th grade class in Samson...

...twas a good thing, too, because about three weeks before we moved, or before I even knew we were going to move, we were given the task of going to the library, picking out a book and doing a book report on it.  For whatever reason, even 29 years later, I still do not understand why I chose the 306 page behemoth-to-a-4th-grader book, "National Velvet" by Enid Bangnold.  Maybe I liked horses that week, and it had a horse on it.  Maybe I liked Elizabeth Taylor or something (I hadn't yet discovered Jo from "Facts of Life", much less real girls yet) or maybe I just thought it would be a challenge.  Either way, five days before the book report was due, I had only finished part of the book.

And then we moved like, a day or two before it was due.  So, Brian Bruner, Becky Roacha and Melissa Gonzalez, hope you did well.  You know, in early October 1984.

Where was I?  Oh yes...

...Samson Elementary was brand new, so new that they didn't even want the students leaning on the walls, cause they might get all dirty and stuff.  And with a new school, a new playground, which was also fun... jungle gyms (do they still even allow those?)... one of those fort type things with a wooden suspension bridge (that I think it collapsed with someone on it, so later it became a straight bridge)... a real life tire swing (which Leslie Whigham punched me in the stomach so hard that I lost my breath because I cut in front of her in line)... and other odds and ends of things to climb on. 

Of course, as a 4th grader, soon a 5th grader, you didn't really want to play on the "kiddie" things, so we tended to make our own fun... many times, we played "V" on the school courtyard.  One guy would be Donovan, one girl would be Julie, another chick would be Diana, and the rest would be just minions.  We would form fake guns with our hands, crouch behind planters and posts, and just yell "Pew! Pew! Pew!" for 20 minutes until it was time to go inside. 

There really wasn't any rhyme or reason as to whether you lived or died... there wasn't a laser pointer on my hand nor did any paintballs shoot out of my fingers, so I couldn't really tell you if I had truly shot Wade Fulford or Monty Powell with my ray gun, but if they chose to die--which was really them wanting to be dramatic and act out a death scene more than them building my confidence--then hey, that's lucky for me.  Another notch on my kill list. 

I do hope Campbell Isaiah will be allowed to play "V" when he gets to be in 4th grade.  Probably not.  He'll be forced to act out Downton Abbey or something, because we all know if a little boy fakes shooting an alien wearing human skin hellbent on world domination with a hand formed into a laser gun, then of course, he's going to grow up and shoot up the local community college. 

Besides "V", we also did versions of The A-Team, sometimes Knight Rider, and of course, GI Joe...

And for GI Joe, there was this one kid who had like EVERYTHING.  Well, he said he did, and who was I to doubt him?  Sometimes, The Kid in Question (I'm going to call him that, lest he actually read this and think I'm poking fun at him... well, I mean, I am, but that's besides around the point), would bring a bunch of his GI Joe figures and vehicles with him to school sometimes, and at recess, he would pass out the figures and the vehicles, like Jeeps and tanks and cool helicopters and other awesome war machines that we would see on the show that everyone watched after Transformers came on...

See, though, I was never all that popular.  I talked about this a little bit in a previous post, but please do not think I'm complaining... the more time goes by, the more I can reflect on those daily ventures of my childhood that were both meaningless and completely meaningful all at once. 

Looking back, I'm glad I never got this
guy.  Though honestly, I would LOVE to
own this dude now.  I mean, Ice Cream
Soldier?  Really?  REALLY?
So, in not being that popular, I would be towards the last of the kids to get whatever toys The Kid in Question was passing out.  I'd set my sights on a Rapid Fire Motorcycle (RAM) that I could put Roadblock in... and it would get handed off to Jason Smith.  Well, then I'd peer into the bag and see a Cobra Flight Pod, complete with Destro sitting inside... and Chad Ward would claim that one.  Finally, I would see a brilliant Cobra Rattler ground attack jet, with Wild Weasel in the cockpit, and think, "That's still in there!"  I'd stick my hand out and say, "Oh, oh!  Can I have th..." and would be cut off immediately with Daniel Stephenson already running away with it, flying it through the air, "Pew! Pew!ing" all the way down the sidewalk.

Dejected, finally, The Kid in Question would hand out the remaining figures.  I remember once, I got Bar-B-Que.  Like, really?  Bar-B-Que?  An orange guy who didn't even have a flame thrower attached? 

What to do, what to do... everyone else is flying around, playing war with their GI Joes, and I have Bar-B-Que. 

This actually happened a few times, with me getting lame figures like Chuckles, the Joe in the Hawaiian shirt, or maybe Raptor, not named for the cool dinosaur that would become popular in Jurassic Park 7 years later, no... named because he was a bird trainer, code name "Cobra Falconer"...

One day, I did get a lame figure.  And no jet to fly him in, no ATV to wheel him around in.  Just a figure.  Well, it was time to stop complaining, and start solving my problem...


So I took Bar-B-Que, bent his legs a bit and put him in a seated position.  I then declared he was "in an invisible jet", which I then, placing my thumb and index fingers on Bar-B-Que's tiny plastic waist, I zoomed him through the air to simulate flight.

"You can't do that!" came the cry of The Kid in Question...

"Yeah, yeah I can," I replied, Pew Pew'ing someone in their tangible ATV.  "My lasers are invisible too!  I just blew you up, The Kid in Question!"  Of course, rather than fighting the fact that invisible jets that just came into existence actually existed, he then contested the point that I shouldn't have blown him up, and that wasn't fair.

Of course, I didn't take any lasers. Bobbing and weaving in and out of enemy fire, I discovered the great thing about an invisible jet, especially one that is made up, is that you can kind of also make up your own rules.

Sometimes you can't just make up the rules to solve your problem.  But sometimes you can.  And perhaps the reason you are told that you can't make up the rules is because the person telling you is someone who never tried, or perhaps were beaten because they didn't try to solve their own problem.

I could have cried.  I could have complained, and for a few days, I did.  But when I got tired of complaining, got tired of crying, I figured I could keep doing that, or I could make it work.  And I made it work.

Sure, there is a big difference in problems of a 5th grader and problems of a 25 year old... 35 year old... 45 year old... and beyond.  But at its root, many times the problem is just that you dont have a solution. 

Have you tried making one up?

Try that before you declare its impossible.

Make your own invisible jet and finally fly above those things you can't seem to get past.  Your jet might be hard to make, it might take more work that wrapping two fingers around a lame GI Joe character, but you won't know until you try.

(6940 words written in #15KWordsInFeb, 13060 to go)
 

Friday, February 07, 2014

the slimy book of disappointment

Being a big audiobook fan... dirty little secret, I listen to audiobooks just about all the time (when I'm not listening to podcasts)... I constantly check on the "coming soon" section of Audible, to find out hwen Stephen King's new book is coming out, or when one of my favorite actresses, Judy Greer's memoir is coming, or Adam Carolla's new book, or his podcast co-host Bald Bryan's cancer memoir (these are all four books I'm excited to read), and I usually add any books upcoming of particular interest to my wish list...

SIDEBAR... my wishlist on audio is absolutely ridiculous.  You'd think I'd have a major wishlist on Amazon or something, movie fan that I am, but no, not a single thing on Amazon.  On Audible I currently have 27 titles that I'd like to one day read... biographies on Jim Henson, and Anthony Rapp (from Rent and Adventures in Babysitting)... one of my favorite sports nonfiction books, "Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer" by Warren St. John... Bob Goff's "Love Does"... "Double Down", the sequel to 2008's brilliant, election centered "GameChange" (which is also on my list to reread)... I need like, 30 credits right now. 

...anyway, that all is to say that, when I saw a book entitled "Slimed", I thought, "Hmm, that sounds like an interesting title."  Then, when I clicked on it, my interest turned to sheer joy when I saw the full, official title:  "SLIMED: An Oral History of Nickelodeon's Golden Age"

Matthew Klickstein, shame on you for taking such an awesome idea and
making it so poorly executed.
What?!

WHAT THE...?!

WHAT THE WHAT???!!!!

Immediately, I ordered it, and a few days later, it was released and I got it and jumped in immediately.  This was going to be awesome... I mean, I grew up in Nickelodeon's "Golden Age"... when shows like "You Can't Do That On Television" were all the rage--Mom didn't really like me watching it, my friends moms didn't like them watching it, so naturally, it was all we talked about at Ridgetop Elementary School.  It had adults smoking!  SMOKING!  On a kids show!  A sketch show, YCDTOT was from Canada, and featured many of the same characters from episode to episode, and when anyone uttered the phrase "I don't know", they got slimed--green slime dropped from the ceiling and poured all over the actor.  When they said "Water", it was then h2o that doused them.

And I loved it.  Other shows like "Hey Dude!" featuring a teenage, and so gorgeous to my 12 year old eyes, Christine Taylor... and "What Would You Do?" and kids game shows and dramas and a block of shows on Saturday night called "SNICK", featuring "Who's Afraid of the Dark", a horror anthology--for KIDS... and "Double Dare", hello! every kid's dream to run that obsticle course and get slimy by looking for a flag in a giant nose... and of course, "Ren & Stimpy", a show that my 15 year old silly self found so funny that I would cry sometimes from laughing so hard.

I was alone in my room, unpopular, not invited out, watching SNICK and then later listening to Open House Party with John Garabedian. 

Sigh.

I digress.

This was going to be fabulous... not only the history of Nick, but tales from behind the scenes, perhaps the fights, the Nick-sized scandals, how certain shows made it, how certain shows failed, and, of course, the infamous tale of how the creator of "Ren & Stimpy", far and away the most popular show in Nick's history at that time, was fired from his own show.

This was going to be a walk down my childhood, into adolescence.  And it was going to be wonderful, right?

The other part about this book that excited me were the words "oral history", as in, "oral narrative".  I first experienced this type of story telling when I read the excellent "Those Guys Have All the Fun: Inside the World of ESPN", the story of ESPN.  The authors didn't just tell the stories, they let those who were there tell the story... anecdotes from the likes of Chris Berman, Rich Eisen, Robin Roberts, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, and so on and so on, all compiled together to make the narrative, telling the story of ESPN's beginnings, its history, its early years into its modern day.

Last year, I read "I Want My MTV", another oral narrative, with everyone from MTV VJ Alan Hunter to Jon Bon Jovi to Simon Le Bon from Duran Duran giving their take on MTV's history (more about this in my next post, my Top Ten faves of the year)

So, naturally, to not only hear Nickelodeon's story, if not complete, then at least its "golden age", from its beginning to maybe the mid-90s, told from the people there--Christine Taylor from "Hey Dude!" and maybe that kid from "Don't Just Sit There" and Marc Summers (who did the forward of the book, another selling point) and Alasdair and Lisa and Christine from "You Can't Do That On Television"--was going to be awesome.

So I dove in. 

And it sucked.

I mean, just completely sucked.

It breaks my heart to tell you this, but its a terrible book.  I mean, atrocious... it would be one thing if the book had Fabio on the cover, you would know going in that this likely would be, well, not good.  But this?   This entire idea, this entire concept was genius... there were millions of people like me who grew up on Nickelodeon, who would be excited to read the stories of their favorite childhood network... but no. No no no.

Two reason:

1) WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?? 
When reading books like "Those Guys Have All the Fun", you see a constant pattern... before you read the anecdote, it will tell you not only who they are, but WHO they are.  "Chris Berman, Anchor".  "Kenny Mayne, Anchor".  "Bill Simmons, writer, Grantland.com".  You get the idea.  In "I Want My MTV", there were things like "Joe Elliot, Def Lepperd" and "Downtown Julie Brown, MTV VJ" and so on... again, you get the idea.

Imagine my surprise when the first chapter, "The Tween: What It was Like Growing Up Nick" had the first name of "Christine Taylor".  No "Hey Dude", no "Actress", not even a "Ben Stiller's Wife" or "The Hot Chick in Dodgeball"... just her name.  Well, that's okay, I knew who she is.  But then?  "Danny Tamberelli".  Then "Elizabeth Hess".  Followed by "Judy Grafe".  Who?  Who?  And Who? 

No identifications.  No names.  No sources.  "Heidi Lucas" and then "Justin Cammy" and then "Trevor Eyster"... who are these people?  Not even a comment on what role they play--no "actor" or "producer" or "writer" or "best boy" or "gaffer" or "caterer to Harvey on Double Dare". 

Immediately, I was lost.  There is a huge reference in the back, with a few hundred names listed, who they were and where they are now... but to keep going back to it four times just to read a page is so tiring.

2) ITS ALL OVER THE PLACE
That Tween chapter I mentioned, the first one?  Not only do you not know who these people are, you don't even know who the 'tweens were.  Some were people who played adults on the shows, others were the kids, but you had no idea what their frame of reference was when they spoke. 

Secondly, it goes everywhere, from some drug use to filming to lines to school to crushes, then veers off in a completely different direction, before coming back again.  Other chapters are just like this... the one I was looking forward to, the split between Nick and the creator of "Ren & Stimpy" spent half the chapter on this, then part of the chapter somewhere else, not coming to any satisfying conclusion.

Halfway through it, I was beginning to question whether I should even stick it out... I did, begrudgingly.  And I'll never do it again.

The idea itself was brilliant.  The concept was exciting and fun, and stuck into that nostalgia that people like me have for the days when you came home from school and watched programs as they came on, because otherwise you'd miss them--no DVR or TiVo or at my house, no VCR to record it... you watched it then, because you couldn't watch it online or get the season from NetFlix or Best Buy... not in 1983. 

The disappointment.  The potential, and the huge letdown from the very beginning.  This is why "Slimed: An Oral History of Nickelodeon's Golden Age" was the worst book I read in 2013.  Matthew Klickstein--do another version, update it, and I guarantee I'll buy it again. 

(5484 words written for #15KWordsinFeb, 9516 words to go)

Monday, September 19, 2011

The Silliness of Star Wars

Friday, one of the most beloved--and criticized, perhaps even overhyped--franchises in the history of movie was released on Blu-Ray for the first time. And I though I didn't purchase it (oh, believe me, I wanted to, but I decided to make grown up decisions about my money), it still flew off of the shelves at Best Buy, Target and Wal-Mart, as I was greeted by empty spaces amongst those poorly constructed Empire or Jedi cardboard stands.

But to celebrate the Star Wars release date, I wanted to post the following... I took this from
Entertainment Weekly's Darrin Franich, about a love of Star Wars, yet a yearning to see all the hype about vitriol about George Lucas go away--not to defend the man, but to simply say, "Seriously guys... it wasn't that great of a movie..." Hurricane Rhett, this is for you... Franich writes:

When I say that it’s time for us to stop caring so much about Star Wars, I want you to understand: When I was a kid, my obsession with Star Warswas all-encompassing. I had the original trilogy memorized — not just the lines, but the sound effects. I had a massive collection of Star Wars action figures: the Ewok village, the Y-Wing fighters, the Empire Strikes Back-era rendition of Han Solo, when he was wearing that awesome blue jacket. I collected Star Wars comics, Star Wars fan magazines, Star Wars T-shirts. I lost track of how many times I played through Shadows of the Empire on my Nintendo 64. In fifth grade, I had only one real goal in life: To write a series of books for the Star WarsExpanded Universe. The books were going to star Davin Felth, the stormtrooper who says “Look sir, droids!” in the first movie. (I can’t tell you why, exactly, I was so fascinated by such a minor character. Maybe it was his initials.)

What I’m trying to say is that Star Wars simply was my childhood. I didn’t have many friends, and I couldn’t play sports, so my obsession was splashed with a massive dollop of yearning. I wanted so badly to live in the Star Wars universe. Which meant that, for a young me, George Lucas was more than just my idol: He was a walking representation of transcendence.

And, as it happened, I wasn’t the only one who felt that way: When I was an adolescent, the God-Cult of George Lucas was a massive cultural force. There was a Star Wars exhibit at the National Air and Space Museum. You couldn’t walk through a philosophy section of a bookstore without seeing at least five books describing how Star Wars was a modern myth, how George Lucas was heavily influenced by Joseph Campbell, how Carl Jung was all overThe Empire Strikes Back. Since the ’90s were a miserable time for sci-fi/fantasy movies —Lost in Space, Dragonheart, Wing Commander — the promise of more Star Wars films just over the horizon made Lucas seem (to my young, naive eyes) like the anointed savior of the cinema.

Like every other science-fiction-loving movie fan from my generation and earlier, I can pinpoint the specific day that I lost my innocence: May 19, 1999, the day Star Wars: Episode I — The Phantom Menace opened in theaters.

There was already an anti-George Lucas movement growing in the dark corners of the Internet after the 1997 Special Editions: You know, Greedo shooting first, that ridiculous Wampa costume, the bizarre choice to make the Sarlacc Pit look like a refugee from Little Shop of Horrors. But Episode I cemented a whole Star Wars counter-myth, best expressed in the eternal cry of the betrayed Star Wars fanboy: “George Lucas raped my childhood.” That’s a sentiment that returns to the spotlight every couple years, usually when a new version of Star Wars hits DVD with additional “corrections.” Certainly, it’s the most common response to the news — reported yesterday by EW — that the new Blu-ray version of Return of the Jedi will feature Darth Vader melodramatically screaming “Nooooo!”

Believe me, there is a big part of me that wants to join the chorus of betrayed fans. But why? Why am I so angry at the man who was responsible for some of the major formative moments in my existence? Studying various Star Wars encyclopedias was a gateway drug for enjoying actual genuine history books. Watching the films on repeat taught me basic film grammar. Star Wars made me love science-fiction, so I have to thank George Lucas for indirectly pointing me onwards to Philip K. Dick, to Iain M. Banks, to Robert Heinlein and Orson Scott Card and every other great S.F. author. George Lucas can’t ruin my childhood, because my childhood already happened.

And that, I think, is why all the George Lucas hatred is fundamentally misplaced — and, in fact, why my initial gut-reaction (“Screw you, George!”) reflects much worse on me. The reason why our first response is to hate George Lucas is not because Lucas is ruining our childhoods. Far from it. Lucas is, perhaps accidentally, forcing us to admit two things: First, that our childhoods are over; and second, that the things we enjoy when we are children tend to be silly.

Because make no mistake: Star Wars is extremely, extremely silly.

I want to stress: Silliness is not a bad thing. Silly things can be important, and even profound. The first Star Wars film is a near-perfect work of propulsive silliness: funny robots and ninja-priests who speak from beyond the grave and big scary space-weapons that can blow up planets. The second Star Warsfilm is a genuinely perfect Hollywood entertainment, a work of narrative schadenfreude that merrily chops our beloved heroes down to size. And then there’s Return of the Jedi, which is basically an extended episode of The Muppets.

I’m not insulting any of these movies, but you have to understand that Star Wars is the rare long-running science-fiction series that doesn’t really have any Big Ideas at its core. The whole Light Side/Dark Side dichotomy is so vague that it could essentially apply to anything: The Cold War, the American political system, Pong. Lucas famously attempted to sprinkle a Big Idea into the Star Wars prequels — the rise of reactionary fascism in a republican democracy — but the metaphor was simultaneously too on the nose and too cluttered by narrative doggerel. The early movies don’t need Big Ideas. They are fun, and fun can never be overrated. (I guess you could argue that the “Idea” of Star Wars is just very elemental: “You should be a good person, because good is more powerful than evil.” But that’s not an idea; it’s a Sunday School lesson plan.)

But we have to stop confusing the fun of Star Wars with the abstract notion of cinematic perfection. Unfortunately, we live in an era of nostalgia, and nostalgia makes everything look profound, especially the stupid things you enjoyed when you were a kid. Take Return of the Jedi. Jedi is a bad movie by every measure, but I loved it when I was a kid, because when I was a kid I was much stupider than I am now, because kids are stupid. When I saw the Special Editions in theaters, the only tweak that bothered me was the deletion of “Yub-Nub”from the film’s finale. “Yub-Nub” is a terrible song. Kids are stupid. I purchased every issue of Kevin J. Anderson’s “Tales of the Jedi” cycle, even though the characters were all lame and the plot was pretty dull. Kids are stupid. Once, I put my finger on a lit stove just to see what it would feel like. Kids are stupid.

I’m reminded of an incredible section in Sir Alec Guinness’ memoir, My Name Escapes Me: The Diary of a Retiring Actor, in which he describes his feelings on the Star Wars franchise:

A refurbished Star Wars is on somewhere or everywhere. I have no intention of revisiting any galaxy. I shrivel inside each time it is mentioned. Twenty years ago, when the film was first shown, it had a freshness, also a sense of moral good and fun. Then I began to be uneasy at the influence it might be having. The first bad penny dropped in San Francisco when a sweet-faced boy of twelve told me proudly that he had seen Star Wars over a hundred times. His elegant mother nodded with approval. Looking into the boy’s eyes I thought I detected little star-shells of madness beginning to form and I guessed that one day they would explode.

Guinness was a real actor. He was in freaking Bridge on the River Kwai, a thrilling entertainment that is also a bitter, fascinating meditation on war. So we Star Wars fans should, perhaps, pay more attention to him than we typically do. Guinness begged the little fanboy to never see Star Wars ever again; when he wrote the memoir, he expressed his hope that the little boy, “now in his thirties, is not living in a fantasy world of secondhand, childish banalities.”

But in a way, that’s exactly what happened to popular culture. We’ve all become so obsessed with the notion that the original Star Wars films were perfect and wonderful and original, and mean old George Lucas just keeps on changing them. In turn, we all believe that the next great action-adventure franchise is just around the corner. When franchises disappoint us — when X-Men and Spider-Man and The Matrix and Pirates of the Caribbean all descend into big-budgeted inanity — we might be angry at the filmmakers, but we never stop to question our basic presumption: That big, dumb action trilogies can be anything more than big, dumb action trilogies.

I think that it is time to put away childish things. Time to admit that Star Wars — like fruit snacks and Nickelodeon — should perhaps be left behind in our adolescence. There is no shame in changing your mind about something, and come on, can you really trust someone who hasn’t evolved beyond a first-grade level? The reason why we hate George Lucas is because we are George Lucas: Eternally obsessed with putting a spit-shine on films from long ago, insisting that Star Wars is the modern myth, and so it can never stop evolving.

There will always be generations of children who love Return of the Jedi, but there should also be generations of adults who admit that Return of the Jedi is awful — yes, even without the added “Nooooo!” Star Wars was never perfect, and will never be perfect. That dream is already behind us. We will never be kids again, so maybe it’s time to just grow the hell up.

And that's Darren French. Enjoy.

Thursday, June 03, 2010

The Curse of Sikes & Kohns Country Mall

Here's a few little stories to share...

HAVE A SIX FLAGS DAY
I recently purchased a Six Flags season pass.  I haven't been to Six Flags in many years, since Goliath was brand spanking new, and I remember two things about that middle school trip I went on... first, Goliath was awesome.  Second, the park was just dirty.  I mean, really dirty.

In addition to the trash that lined the curbs, the "I don't give a rip" attitudes of many of the workers there, and the scenery and ride queues that seemed worn, faded and old, I always recall the gum spots on the Batman wall, and on the floor of the Superman ride as you are coming back to the station.  As you are harnessed in, facing down, many people will spit gum out of their mouth onto the platform... and its gross.

I called up my buddy Shawn and told him I had my season pass and a free ticket that came with it, and as long as he could cover his own lunch, I'd take him.  He was in full agreement, and we met up the next day around 9 and took off.  A few hours later, we are pulling up into the Daffy Duck Row 7 line in the parking lot, and walking in.  We immediately go on the Georgia Scorcher, waiting about 20 minutes to get on.  I figure this is good, because 20 minutes is a decent, short wait for a ride, and if we can wait this long for all of them, then we'll be in the good shape.

I was wrong.  We walked onto the Georgia Cyclone, Thunder River (he got soaked, I got my feet wet), the Ninja, The Great American Scream Machine and The Dahlonega Mine Train, and the only reason it took 15 minutes to get on Superman, Batman and Goliath is because we waited for the front of the line.  After Batman, Shawn needed a coaster break, so I took on The Mind Bender alone... front car, no wait.  I even closed my eyes during the ride, which I love doing on roller coasters.

The Ninja sucks.  Always has.  Its jerky, its rough and its not entertaining.  And I'm not alone in this assessment, as its Wiki page says, "it is the least popular U.S. major roller coaster as voted by people on ThemeParkInsider, ThemeParkCritic, and other review sites."  But, I ride it anyway.

I know much of the park was flooded last year, so I'm sure that helped spur along renovations and improvements, but I was impressed by everything.  The workers (team members?  associates?  Six Flaggers?) all wear bright green shirts so they can easily be spotted, and most that I encountered had smiles and friendly attitudes, and cheered you on with "Have a Six Flags day!". 

Some of the rides now have sponsors... Axe Body Spray is logo'd over The Ninja, which strikes me as kinda funny.  The Mind Bender sports the green color again on the tracks, and the new cars (a little too sleek--I kinda miss the boxy cars) have question mark decorations down the side.  No, not for the Riddler, like it was fifteen years ago, but because Stride sponsors this ride now.  The Scorcher has brand new cars, with the flames on it now blue--Georgia Gas is the sponsor. 

Over the six hours we were there, we rode everything we wanted, with minimal lines.  They have deals for drinks now, like a bottle of water is $3, but you can get 2 for $5 (which is what we did), and the ice cream sandwich I had was pretty good too.  Monster Plantation, which was in such dire need of an overhaul, got one.  The music is crisp and loud, the boats are comfy enough and remodeled, and the animatronics, silly as they are, are full of fur and worked perfectly.  The song is annoying as ever, but at least its understandable.

Overall, I was pleased with the day.  The temperature wasn't too bad, the lines were short, and I was hanging with a good friend, which is the best way to enjoy a good roller coaster.  While we were in the front row of Goliath, as it was cresting the first big hill (by the way, that coaster is terrifying, which is awesome) I could see the parking lot that was only a third full. 

We ended the day by stopping at Texas Roadhouse, where I dined on a delmonica steak and cheese fries.  Good times, good times indeed. 

THE CURSE OF SIKES & KOHN'S
If you travel down Highway 231, either from Montgomery headed to Troy, or headed to Monkeytown from Troy, you'll travel through, or at least near, a tiny little town called Pine Level.  I know very little about Pine Level, except that there is a South Alabama icon there.

The place is called Sikes and Kohn's Country Mall, or Sikes and Kohn's (pronounced "kahn's") for short.  And I hate this place.

Even before you get anywhere close to Sikes and Kohns, you'll see the billboards... oh, will you see the billboards.  Large, painted signs telling you that you'll find shoes like Allen Edmunds, Cole Haan and Saucony, jeans like Levi's, Lee and Wranglers, clothes from Lauren, Tommy and Jordache all at Sikes and Kohns Country Mall.

Oh, I have nothing against Mr/Mrs Sikes or Mr/Mrs Kohn's, nor do I take any offense at the nature of the store.  Its a bit overpriced for my tastes, but there are a few good deals to be had in there, if you look hard enough.  They sell everything from camo to cowboy hats, boots to bolo ties, and there is an entire wall devoted to men's and women's belts.

No, the reason I dislike this place is because everytime I go there, my car breaks down.  The first time I went, while in college, I stopped for some unknown reason--I'm sure it wasn't to shop.  This was when I had my green Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme.  I went inside, and when I came back out, nothing.  No turnover, no sound, nothing.  Had to call a tow truck, and it was terribly overpriced.

Another time, I had driven down to visit Allysong and Shelby and Jenn Mullterp and Rad a Tad, and was on my way back when I had to stop and use the facilities.  So, without thinking about it, I pulled into Sikes & Kohns Country Mall.  Parked on the gravel lot, ran inside, use the powder room, came back out, started up, and was pulling out of the lot when my car started making a really, really funny noise. 

Instead of going left, I went right, back down 231 to a small gas station/repair shop that I had passed.  They spent about three hours fixing it.  And as I crossed the median on 231 to take that left to head back to Birmingham, the car started... jumping.  And surging.  And stalling.   So, back to the gas station.  Then, it was towed to Troy.  Allysong drove out and picked me up.  Tow trucks on Sunday?  Expensive.

So, skip ahead like, 12 years or something, to this past April.  With a four day break between the ending of The Happiest Place in the Mall and the beginning of Starbucks full time, I decided I would take a few days to visit Mom in Samson.  And on the way down, I started seeing the signs for Sikes and Kohns.  I tensed.

It was time.  It had been too long.  The curse had warded over me for over a decade, so much so that I drove past it, never wanting to stop.  But not this day.  Not this time.  If I was ever going to beat Sikes and Kohns, it was time to do so.  With Toni Rocki Honda, no less, a 15 year old car that, if any car was going to break down, would be it. 

Finally, I saw the big arrow sign, and Sikes and Kohns was here.  I slowed down, pulled into the turning lane, and turned into the lot.  I found a spot close to the front--it was a Tuesday late morning, so it wasn't crowded--parked and turn Toni Rocki Honda off.  I got out, and went inside the building.  I figured any stay had to be at least five minutes, otherwise it wouldn't count... I wanted this Curse of Sikes and Kohns dispelled once and for all. 

I walked around inside, browsing the shirts and jeans, and observed the Wall O'Belts near the front.  Nodded that "hi, how ya doing, no I don't need help, but I want to acknowledge your standing there" head nod to the cashier, and finally, went outside.  Keys in hand, I unlocked the door and slid behind the wheel.  Took a deep breath, turned they key...

...Toni Rocki Honda started to life.  I exhaled.  Put 'er in D, drove down the driveway and out onto 231... and drove away . The curse was done.  It was over.  I would now no longer be afraid to stop at Sikes and Kohns Country Mall.  I don't know that I'll have any reason to stop there anyway, but now it won't be a purposeful not-stopping-there.

And just to add some drizzle to the cake, the gas station that I had my car serviced, and further broken, at is now just an abandoned building. 

I win.

MORNING TIME
While I'm at Starbucks now, working, I'll wear a drive thru headset... even if I'm not on the window, I'll have it on to assist those who are in the window by getting sandwiches, or pastries, or restocking cups or whatever.  In the morning, its usually pretty busy, so I hear one beep after another, as one car after another comes to the speaker to order, but every now and again, there's a break.  And in that break, I can hear... well, I can hear birds.  Birds chirping.  And singing.  And as I listen to those birds chirping, even for a brief few seconds, it makes me think I'm 8 years old again.

When I was a kid, my mom and I would take a trip down to Florida for part of the summer.  My aunt-then, sister-now (there's a story there, I promise, but for later), lived in Winter Garden, and I'd get to hang out with my cousin April, and it was awesome.   We were young enough to sleep in the same room, as boys and girls do at that age, and I remember waking up early in the morning to those birds.

There would be a box fan in the window, and the peaceful hum of that fan would keep me drifting in and out of consciousness for most of the morning.  I would open my eyes just enough to see that it was early, the light in the room dim, I could barely make out the features in the room.  Sometimes, even with the box fan in the window, we'd still leave the window open and the morning's cool air would be in the room.  It was Florida, mind you, and it would get hot... but not yet.

And, the cool outside air circulating with the box fan's air, the dim light in the room getting a little bit brighter every few minutes, me on my little bed with the blanket pulled up to my neck, April the next bed over... and I hear the birds sing.

Just like at Starbucks this morning.

Speaking of fans...

A FAN OF THE FAN
There is very little better than a good fan.  The Lovely Steph Leann has always had issues allergies and sinuses, so a ceiling fan whirring all night long might keep her cool at night, but there is a wheezy, stuffy price to pay in the morning.

During the summer, we try to be conscience of the thermostat, because we'd rather spend money at Disney World than pay a $250 power bill every month... so it can get a little toasty in our room.  But on those days when she is gone, when I sleep alone, I turn that fan on high.  I crawl into bed, and pull up my favorite mom-handsewn butterfly quilt and let the cool breeze rush around me.

But my favorite?  When I was a kid at home, my parents let me used a small, oscillating fan (there is never use of the word "oscillating" unless the word "fan" is after it) that I would set on a metal folding chair.  I'd use books to set it on to get just the right height, then hit that button in the back to make it turn.

That breeze from the fan going back and forth over the length of your body is awesome.  You feel it on your face for about two seconds, then its gone, as the air moves down your body laying there under the sheet.  Then, if you set it up just right, it would hit your feet for about two seconds, then head back towards your head again.  That was a glorious feeling. 

Movie reviews for about a dozen movies coming this weekend

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

A Hometown Darkened

Wow.

Wookiee shot me a text this morning, saying "Sorry 2 hear about Samson". My first thought was that the women's basketball team had been defeated... they won the state championship two years in a row, but I figured they lost a few seniors and... wait... basketball is over. This was my brain function at 715am this morning. I texted back "What happened?" and Wookiee replied, "Check net. Some nut went on shooting spree in Kinston, Geneva and Samson."

None of these words registered in my barely awake brain. "Shooting spree" and those town names didn't click. The Lovely Steph Leann appeared from her three-times-per-week 6am workout at Curves Chick Workout Center, hearing Wookiee's text. She asked who was texting me so early, and I said, "Wookiee. He's saying something about Samson." She sighed, and said, "Yeah, I heard that there was a shooting in Samson."

I moved to Samson in 1984, from Austin, TX. My parents didn't want me to grow up in the big city, and since Samson was my mother's hometown, they thought it was a quiet place to live. And it was. It is, really.

We moved to 320 Johnson Street, on the corner of Johnson and Farmer. A year or so later, we moved across Farmer Street into a bigger house (with a huge yard that was ideal for football). Another year or so later, we moved across Johnson Street into a new home, and there my father lived until he passed in 2000, and my mom still lives.

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Troops from Fort Rucker, 20 miles away, stand guarding Samson's downtown area. Looks like they are standing in the Ripley Street & Main Street intersection. I think its funny that they keep referring to "Downtown", when its just two blocks of half empty stores.

Johnson Street is also known as Highway 87, running from Troy, straight through Elba, straight through Samson, goes 9 miles to the Florida border, becomes Highway 81 and then heads straight to Panama City Beach, with a turn or two. It intersects with Highway 52, which runs through several counties, including the ones in question. For perspective, Andalusia, Alabama sits in the central/western part of the state, with Opp about 20 miles away, Kinston about 5 miles after that, Samson 8 miles after that, then 10 miles to Geneva. Keep going, and you'll run through Hartford, Slocumb and eventually, the big city of Dothan.

Let's walk down the sidewalk in 1984 Samson, shall we? The Piggly Wiggly sat on the corner of Highway 87 and Highway 52. Walk down the block a bit, you would have come to People's Drugstore, which made amazing real cherry cokes. There were a few hardware stores and feed stores on your left, and as you cross Ripley Street, you'll see the spot where a bank went in. A few more small shops, then you come to The Hobo Pantry (back then, it was The Hoco), then cross another small street and you'll be at The Big/Little Store, selling gas and fried chicken, of which in my life, I partook of both in immense quantities. On up the road just a bit more is Flower and Gift World, though we'll cross here.

We'll now cross Highway 52, or Main Street, and we'll be at Samson Banking Company, the main bank in town. Here on your left now is Clark Furniture, Merchant's Clothing Store, then Bill's Dollar Store (no jokes please). Then we come to Faulk's, an old antique store, there's The Western Auto and on the corner is an appliance store who's name escapes me.

Twenty five years later, not a ton has changed. People's is now gone. The Pig is a discount grocery store, or a tobacco store or something else. The Western Auto has become Bradley's True Value Hardware. Many of the feed shops are gone, Faulk's became a flower and gift shop owned by Forrest and Charlotte Wright, who also owned The Wright Place, a restaurant I have discussed here before and worked in for a long time. A video store or two popped up, first dealing in VCR videos, now DVDs and I can only assume Blu-Rays too.

My first movie ever on a VCR? "Batman". My first movie ever rented? "Coming to America".

Clark's is also gone, as is the appliance store, mostly remaining empty. I think a pool hall opened up at one point, where Merchant's used to be, it might be open, it might not, who knows. Sandy Wright, daughter of, has a salon there somewhere. When the Subway opened up down the road toward's Geneva, it was a big, big deal. Somewhere along the way, we even lost a red light, going from three to two, with the light at Ripley and Main Street being replaced by a caution light.

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If this were any other topic, THIS would be a brilliant photograph. Well, it is a great picture in itself... but what it represents is horrifying. This is the glass at the True Value, that used to be the Western Auto hardware. My mom bought her washer and dryer from there, paying about $40 per month for a billion years until she got it paid off. They kept pencil-written ledger books. I got my first radio from here, a boom box in 1985, where I listened to Wham!'s "Make It Big" and Starship's "Knee Deep in the Hoopla", and stayed up late nights with my finger on the record button, hoping to catch the full version of "Born in the USA" by Bruce Springsteen.

The first time I ever remember our town making the national news? The pipe plant east of Samson, about two miles out of the city limits, caught fire once, spewing deadly chemical smoke into the air. CNN's Headline News covered it, so me and all my friends were excited that for a minute and thirty seconds, our town was shown on a national news network.

This is how small our town is, and not just because its 3 miles from the east to west city limits. The population runs around 2,000, maybe a bit more, maybe a bit less. It always makes me smile thinking about people who graduated from Birmingham area schools like Hoover and Spain Park and Vestavia, with classes running anywhere from 250 to 600. I had what, 42? I knew all of them personally, had had conversations with every one of them personally, knew about families and backgrounds, crushed on a few of the chicks, hung out with lots of the guys... I cannot fathom a Junior/Senior Prom where I didn't know at least one person in each of the couples, because I just knew everyone. And they knew me.

I know underclassman. I was good friends with Jason Howell, an 8th grader and fellow sax man in the band. I was good friends with Rona Mock, a freshman, and was excited, like everyone else in the school, when she ended up with Ryan Hutchison, a junior. If you gave me an hour, I'll bet I could come up with the names of at least 75% of our yearbook, names like Rachel Thorton and Wade Rials and Curtis Cantrell and Paula Baxley and Julie Dunn and Amanda Adams and JT Thomas and Tracey Carter and Jason Lambert and... Michael McClendon.

I didn't really know this kid very well, he was in 6th grade when I was a senior, but I knew of him. I knew some of his classmates better, fellow 6th graders like Casey Glisson and Kelly Spivey and David Stephenson and Jessica Caldwell.

To the average reader, folks like KT and Mindy D'A and McQ and others, these names mean very little... just like names would sound to me if they began to recite people they knew from their childhood and growing up. But to people from Samson, from the area, all these names resonate with a face, with a memory, with a conversation, with a first kiss or a beer or an argument or driving down Main Street, turning around in the Samson Banking Company parking lot and driving back down Main Street.

I grew up here. I lived in that little yellow house, three houses down from the libary with its (no exaggeration) about 10 bookcases of books. I rode my bike to Samson Elementary in 1984, the first year it opened. I played "A-Team" and "V" at school, and in my yard, sometimes with people, sometimes by myself. I grew older, and Star Wars action figures gave way to writing and drawing and seeing movies with Greg, or Chris McCall, or Tonya Windham (three BFF lifers for me).

This was life in Samson. Until yesterday.

When people ask me where I'm from, I say "Samson, Alabama" and am often responded to by, "Where is that?" My answer is, "Its a little town about fifty miles south of Troy, maybe 9 miles above the Florida line. Do you know where Enterprise and Dothan are? You do? Well, we're about 18 miles southwest of Enterprise and 43 miles west of Dothan."

Now, I feel like its going to be like Paducah, Kentucky or Columbine, Colorado. People will identify the town with lots of people being shot at the hands of someone who didn't have a value of human life.

After The Lovely Steph Leann said she'd heard the news that Wookiee had texted me about, I got out of bed, brushed my teeth, used the restroom and slowly made my way down to the computer and television to see what this was all about. And I was floored.

I said a few days ago that nothing really surprises me. I stand corrected. Yesterday, a job turn-of-events surprised me. And this news today floored me.

Michael McLendon, 27, shot the dogs. Then he shot his mom, Lisa, 52, three or four times, laid her on the couch, put towels on top of her, then doused her, the towels and the house with lighter fluid, then setting it on fire. He then drove to Samson, down Highway 52, where he pulled up onto West Pullum Street, a street I'd ridden my bike on many times, or had gone through on the way to Chris McCall's house, and opened fire on some relatives of his that were sitting on the porch.

Why were they sitting on the porch? Because that's what people in Samson do on pretty late winter, almost Spring days. They sit on the porch. McLendon riddled the porch with bullets, killing five people... including Tracy White, 34, who I know. Knew.

Tracy White and I were in the same grade together, though I do believe she dropped out to get married somewhere around our junior year. She married Murray Wise, and I remember kidding her about her name going from White to Wise, and how it wasn't much of a jump. I didn't know her all that well, I just remember she had this thick head of bushy black hair and a quiet disposition about her. And she made the unfortunate decision to sit on the porch yesterday afternoon. You don't have to send me your kind regards, I only grieve over Tracy's death in the same manner that I feel for all the people who were killed, and a town that has now lost its "boring" status in the worst way possible. Perhaps Tracy only slightly more because I knew who she was.

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The big guy in the middle... someone correct me, but is this Murray, Tracy's husband? This was taken outside of the home where the front porch became a bad place to be.

On that porch, Dean Wise, 15, James White, 55, and Virginia White, 74 and nearby, also were shot and killed.

Somehow, he opened fire at Andrea Myers, killing her and her 18 month old baby daughter Corinne. Someone nearby ran up, grabbed 4 month old Ella and snatched her out of harms way, though the baby suffered injuries either due to shrapnel or an actual bullet.

Then, McLendon drove through Samson, pulling up at The Big Little Store, shooting at random. Killed Sonja Smith, 43, walking out of the gas station. Injured Greg McCollough, who used to order hamburger steaks at The Wright Place when I waited on him, his extremely good looking wife and their two cute kids.

Then he shot James Starling, 24, as he tried to run away, and Bruce Malloy, 51, who was driving past him, before screaming down Highway 52 into Geneva, shooting at a Wal-Mart where he injured a few people, before the police caught up to him, stopping him by a PIT manuever--this cool trick where to stop a perpretrator, you ram their car with yours... a cool trick until it was used to stop a guy who killed a whole bunch of people in my hometown.

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I think this is the Big/Little Store, where I used to get fried chicken on weekend lunch. Chris McCall used to work there a long, long time ago. They've remodeled, and its lost some of its charm, but still...

There was apparently a shoot-out at or near Reliant Metal, where McLendon used to work, and involved in the final battle was Josh Myers, a sheriff's deputy. He was the husband of Andrea, and father of Corinne and Ella, though he had no idea that while he was firing at McLendon, his wife and one daughter was dead, and another gravely injured.

I listed the names because I want to be able to remember their names... I have been watching the news all day, hopping around from Fox News to CNN to MSNBC both online and on television. The news is all over, discussing "What caused this guy to snap?" and "How did it happen?" and "Let's show you the timeline and the trail of carnage", all fine questions when they are talking about another town, another event.

I gotta say, as a kid, we often joked about Samson's Police Force. Maybe it was because it has been such a slow, dying town for so long, there wasn't much for the SPD to do. But from what I gather, they, along with Kinston's and Geneva's and a few other departments went above and beyond, probably preventing more bloodshed. There were police car windows that were blasted out, and officers injured, some of them saying, "I'm not stopping until we get this guy!". I tip my hat to you.

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Not sure which is worse... the orange numbers, which from watching "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" I assume means bullet casings or other points of interest... or the Tonka Truck and scooter sitting amongst the shooting spree evidence.

So, from here... the news will move on. This will be a story that will dominate for another few hours, and another more pressing story that you haven't heard will take center stage for a day or so, followed by another and another. You'll probably get updates here and there, buried in between President B. Hussein Obama's love fest and the upcoming Madoff trial and more kids for Brangelina... you, Coffee Drinkers, will slowly forget it, maybe remembering it not so much as what happened, but more of "It's d$'s hometown." Honestly, if this were any other town, I'd forget it too.

But its not any other town, not to me. It's Samson. I wanted to get out of that town so badly in May of 1993, but I love my town right now more than ever.

I apologize for the jumbling words, run on sentences and random thoughts here and there, I just thought it would be good for to jot some thoughts down before they do become mixed, blurred and memories.

See, three hours away, in the big city, life is unaffected. The "Worst Shootings In Alabama's History" are but a blip on the news ticker to most people by I take it to heart. My town just suffered a blow that most cities would easily survive.

This afternoon, I plan on watching American Idol from last night, maybe make some shortened notes, then do the results show later. I'll call my mom in a little while, see how she's doing and then grab some lunch. Maybe I won't watch any news at all... I'm sure I will see it later.

This is why I blog. To help me, and you fellow Drinker, figure out what the heck just happened, and to help accept that we probably will never know.

(Steve Crews, you probably know more than I do, running the newspapers in that area, so you can let me know where I get the facts wrong... good job on the news.)

(Oh, and one more thing... thanks to Pa & Ma Cartwright, The Big Wazyluka, Katyboo, Jess, Shelby and several more people who sent their well-wishes and hopes that I and my family were doing well after all the news broke. Yes, I am great, and my family is just fine. Mom is probably sitting on her porch right now)