Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Mormon Idol!

The final night of audition episodes... next week starts Hollywood Week, one of the most exciting weeks in television--or at least the most exciting weeks in Idol, anyway. But first... we have to get through Salt Lake City, home of Young Archuleta...



I'm going to the Dollar Theater (it costs a buck to go in, not an actually theater here at The Cabana...) to see "Role Models" again with Mikey at 10pm, which means I leave here around 930, so we'll try to knock this episode out quick enough.

A bajillion people surround the arena hoping to make the Hollywood Round. No doubt many are married. Multiple times. Ha! Bigamy jokes never get old.

Once again, The Lovely Steph Leann miss Idol, as she's in Atlanta again, coming back tomorrow.

David Osmond is the son of Allen Osmond, the oldest of the Osmond Brothers group, from the old school days. And yes, Donny Osmond is in there somewhere. I think I used to have a crush on Marie Osmond for like, a day or something. Anyhow, toss an Osmond on the screen, and you have a backstory, this one being about how David has multiple sclerosis, and used to be in a wheelchair. Dad is on screen, almost in tears about how proud he is of his boy. Yikes. This is a heart breaker completely.

"Something Within Me" by Take 6 is his song. He sounds pretty good--I can't imagine him not making it, after all that kind of backstory. Paula gets onto him for not picking a song that he could sing solo, instead of the group song he picked.

Holy crap... they are actually leading us to believe he may not make it.

And he comes out with a golden ticket. Whew.

Time for the next audition, and we have Tara Mathews, who proclaims herself as Salt Lake's only goth chick. She's one of those people who should not be wearing what she's wearing. Look, some of us are blessed with figures that great clothes flatter, some of us don't. Just accept who you are. And dress like it.

She says she as ESP. She's singing "One Day I'll Fly Away" from the Moulin Rouge soundtrack. Simon says, "Does it tell you you're going to win?" and she says, "I don't know, but I think so." And then she starts singing. Or howling. Or screeching. "One day I'll flyyyyy awaaayyy..." and Simon says, "I hope pretty soon."

All around the venue, contestants are practicing, and some sound terrible. Like the one trying to destroy "Last Night" by Carrie Underwood, or the chick yelling, "I'm gorgeous" or the welfare Kenny G singing something Motown. He's cross eyed and he licks his lips. I just threw up in my mouth.

So this guy is handing out with a friend in a pink bunny suit. A guy. In a bunny suit. The guy, Chris, comes in wearing a Simon shirt, holding a Simon sign/fan. Greg the Pink Rabbit comes in. Chris Kirkham does, "Roll to Me" by Del Amitri, and really, its not that bad. The judges stop him and make Greg the Bunny leave the stage. He starts two notes of "Ain't No Mountain High Enough", and the judges stop him and tell him no.

I think that it might have actually worked if not for the Greg the Bunny thing going on.

Alrighty... that last line was written at 903pm. In between then and now, which is 1214am, I ended up in a conversation with a friend of mine, then I realized it was 930, so I had to race out the door and down the road to the dollar theater to meet up with Mikey for the movie that I mentioned earlier... sheesh...

Well, now, I'm back. And...




I figure its a show from Salt Lake City, so why not have 2 parts to it, instead of just 1? Hah! Bigamy! Its all the rage in the comedian circles!

Here's the montage of "No" and "No way" and "terrible" for our viewers. Lots of people who graciously bow out with a "thank you", and exit. Very nice. Because its going so "nice" for people who aren't making it, Seacrest encourages the crowd to not take no for an answer. Oh, Seacrest, you pot stirrer.

Single mom Frankie who was "definitely born to do this". Aren't they all? She's been "visualizing it, and am pretty sure I'm going to go through". Of course, she's been singing all her life. There is nothing else she'd rather do. And... Very, very good. Very sultry, very crisp. I don't know "crisp" even means, but it sounds good, just like her. I have no idea what she's singing, cause she mumbled through the song title... it might be Amy Winehouse? Yes, I just googled the lyrics, its "You Know I'm No Good" by Winehouse. Only Frankie doesn't have the disgusting beehive, eye shadow and drug issues. Frankie goes to Hollywood, relax.

Megan has a backstory, an arm full of Carly Smithson tattoos, a 2 year old named Ryder (?!) and now an ex-husband. She even gets a "World I Know" Collective Soul tune over her video. She looks like her arm fell into an ink blot. She's going to take on "Can't Help Lovin' that Man of Mine", whoever sings that.

I think I like Megan better than Frankie. Two in a row, go Idol! Randy kinda likes her, Paula likes, borderline loves her, Simon says she's original and loved her. Kara says she glows, and is all about some Megan.

There's a hot streak now, where one contestant after another heads to Hollywood... that ends with Andrew Gibson's bad bass and terrible high note. He's got a soul vibe and a bad acne issue. It's a big no.

Austin Sisneros is the Riverton (Utah) High School senior class president. He's planning for homecoming. He's auditioning to inspire people. Aw, the problems of the young. We even see a video of him walking the halls with his four wives-to-be (its good he didn't marry them, cause they are in high school... he's just dating them) "When I Look to the Sky" by Train is his song. He does so-so, and offers up to sing Raffi's "It Takes a Village". I thought Hillary Clinton wrote that song.

Randy likes the voice, but doesn't like the song choices... but says yes. Kara says yes. Paula believes in him. Simon just says, "You're going to Hollywood with four yes'".

Seacrest is standing on a ridge, pointing out the filming site of High School Musical, full of joy and happiness... and then we see the Montage of Tears. The Montage of "I Should Be the American Idol". The Montage of "They Don't Know What They are Talking About".

Jarrett Burns takes on Corinne Bailey Rae's "Put Your Record On", which is a billion times better than the next three or four people they quickly show.

Next we have a chick who's 5'11 flat footed, over 6 feet in heels. She's an Amazon! A Glamazon if you will... her name is Taylor, and she's from Utah, and Randy says she reminds him of Jordin Sparks. She takes on "Joyful Joyful" and hey, not too bad. Reminds me of Lauren Hill's version in "Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit", in one of the greatest musical scenes ever.

Great musical number...

They love her. Welcome to Hollywood. She's actually tall enough to be two wives for some Utah guy.

And the end of the show backstory (there always is one, usually a hardship story involving tears) belongs to Rose Flack, 17, from Rathdrum, Idaho. Rose is living with her friend's family, because her dad died years ago. She holds a pic of her dad up, and... tears. You knew it was coming. A few years later, Mom dies in a car wreck... holy crap, Idol, what are you doing here? Geez...

She's really pretty, in a Gwen Stefani sort of way, like funky hippychick cool. I'm hoping she's good... she, of course, says this audition is the "determination of the rest of her life". That's lots of pressure.

"I Feel the Earth Move" by Carole King is her song. And she's good... thank you! She smiles like Keira Knightly, but ten times better because I don't think Keira is all that good looking--Rose is very cute.

Paula says to work on the vocals, but yes. Randy says she has a cool vibe, so yes. Simon says it wasn't the best audition, but she was memorable. Kara says yes too, so Young Rose is off to Hollywood. I hope they build you a strong ship, Young Rose.

A dozen people are headed to Hollywood from Salt Lake City, and as far as we know, none are married to each other.

Wait, what? What? Tomorrow night? New York and San Juan, Puerto Rico in another Idol show? What the...? Holy crap... I have to blog another night about Idol this week? Well, Mindy D'A demands it, so I guess that's a yes.

I love the previews for Hollywood week... its always the "most tense week ever", and "some will fight, some will fall, others will rise" and "but to survive Hollywood Week, they'll have to survive each other!"

And we end with Simon looking at some notes and simply saying, "Didn't like you then, don't like you now..."


  1. Two things (I think):
    1) Thanks for the recap. Whether it came before your trip to see the movie that you probably shouldn't have paid to see the first time (or the second time, but at least it was cheap the second time), or after, I appreciate the effort.
    2) You've gotta be kidding about a 5'10" woman being a Glamazon, right? I mean, 6'5" or 6'6" and now we're talking some height, but she's no Shaq! And besides, tall is good. :)

  2. One more thing (that's 3 if you're counting):
    I'll be missing Idol tomorrow night too due to volunteer activities, so thanks in advance for covering yet another night of this nonsense.

  3. I almost made mention of the fact that despite the fact that this chick was tall, she was pretty, and then commented on how my friend Mindy was also tall and pretty... but then I couldn't remember exactly how tall you were, so I left it off. I think I remember you being tall, but I could be making that up.


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