Arrested Developments (#500)

(Authors note... while this post was written in 2009, this particular paragraph is written on 10/3/14... I'm working on the blog itself, weeding through posts, deleting some things that don't make any sense, and so on.  At this point, I've gotten rid of about 35 posts--I was at 996 before today.  That means that even though this is declared at Post 500... if you do the math, it's actually somewhere around 460 or so.  But at the time, it was 500... so just go along with it =)

Not too long ago, I found a website that would print your blog. You can upload it, and within a few seconds, you'd get your blog in a book form that you can print! For a small fee, of course.

Anyway, I did the necessary steps to see what it would look like. And I waited. And I waited. And I waited. And I waited some more. I flew to NYC, saw a Broadway play, flew back, drove to Gadsden, had a nice Waffle House breakfast with NYCJenni, on the way back, stopped and played some gin rummy with KT, found Hurricane Rhett broken down on the side of the road, so I gave him a lift to Tupelo, Mississippi, came back, had dinner with The Lovely Steph Leann while conferencing Erin the Marine Wife on her new book, "Semper Wife", played tennis with Mikey and Jim Courier, then had a six movie marathon starring Amy Adams, whom I'm in love with. And I waited some more.

FINALLY, it came up. And for the low, low price of only $606.45, YOU can order your own copy of Clouds in My Coffee's Blog Book, and enjoy all 1709 pages of it. None of that was a typo.

Whether I'm any good or not is subjective--I'm sure there are some that would never visit this page other than to mock me, and there are others that visit every day... I know that at least 130 people have this page bookmarked in their browser, and many of you have this site linked on your own webpage (though Amy Mc, you don't. And we're going to have to change that somehow). None of that is trying to be all braggadocious, its just a pride of after four years of work, this page has some legs, and keeps growing.

I thought long and hard about what to do for this particular posting... I mean, you don't do your 500th blog every day, and it will be another 3 to 4 years before I get to 1,000, so I wanted to mark the occasion with something a little extra special. I went back and forth on ideas, thinking about actually introducting a website, then thinking I'd do a page of my favorite columns or maybe your favorite columns and then I thought of doing pictures, or music or something... but a few days ago, when The Lovely Steph Leann and I were driving through Vestavia Hills, it hit me. I'd tell a story.

I'd tell a story that hasn't been told online. I'd tell a story that several people know, but perhaps had forgotten... or had heard in second or third hand. I'd tell a story that The Lovely Steph Leann has told me her parents don't even know. Yet, anyway.

Its April 2003. I started at Starbucks on February 1 of that same year, and had been at the brand new Vestavia store for two months. The reasons for working at Starbucks were two fold... first, I had a girlfriend that I really liked a whole heckuva lot. So much so that I wanted to buy this chick a ring. Second, I had debt. I mean, we've covered this in previous blogs here and here, but anyone who knows me knows that in my younger day, I didn't do so very good with money.

Starbucks, at the time, was paying me a nice $6.55 per hour to hustle lattes, sling coffee, grind some beans and truly have a good time. And Starbucks is a good time, don't let anyone ever tell you differently.

Part of my debt was credit cards, part of my debt was personal loans, the majority was student loans, another big chunk was the car payment, and another chunk was the car insurance that I had gotten, finally. (June 2000 was when they mandated that all Alabama drivers have car insurance... guess who just got some?). But, at Starbucks, I was starting to make some headway. I was close to having my first card paid off, my AT&T Universal, and was saving some money up for this ring idea that I had.

The Deuce Guys were happier, especially Mikey, cause suddenly, instead of getting my rent and utility checks up last, or a few days late, I was plopping my power bill check on the bulletin board a good ten days before it was due. I mean, I was pulling at least $300 extra per month, after taxes and it was glorious.

So, its a Friday night. I pull out of The Deuce Parking Lot and onto Southland Drive. Its probably around 515ish or so, I have to be at work at 530ish, and I'm wearing my red Starbucks shirt, apron in my front seat. I leave behind Wookiee on the couch, Mikey on the other couch, Tom in his room and Shawn-Fu on the computer.

Being a Friday, traffic seems a little heavier that normal, and I pull to a stop behind another car at a red light. For those of you unfamiliar with the area, or have been gone so long from it that you barely remember this, Southland Drive is a little road that spills into Highway 31.

Highway 31 is one of the major highways in Birmingham, and if you turn right onto 31, you'll head towards the main Hoover area of the Galleria Mall and towards the towns of Pelham and Alabaster. If you turn left, which I was going to do, you'll pass turn lanes to Interstate 65, you'll go under the 65 overpass, and head into Vestavia Hills.

As I sit on Southland Drive, to my right is a small shopping center that contains Ellis Piano, the Purple Onion (to this day still a fave eatery of myself and The Lovely Steph Leann), David's Bridal (which in the years has since moved down 31) and a few other shops. To my left is a hotel that has gone through several name changes, only being a "brand name" you'd recognize just once, a long time ago. There's a restaurant there called... something or other, but Mikey and I went there once and I remembered it being terrible. The Where We Eatin' Blog would take it down, I'm sure. In the years since, the hotel has been torn down and... well, I'm trying to remember what is even there now.

So, to my right is the shopping center, to my left is the motel... and behind me at this very moment? A police officer. In a police car. And it is at this very moment that I remember... my tag is expired. Its April. I'm a "D", so that means I renew in January. Do the math.

The officer did the math, and before I could utter any sort of profanity that only I and God would hear that I might feel bad about later, the lights came on. The red light changed to green, and I wheeled over into the parking lot of the motel and turned the car off. Another ticket. This will suck. And my girlfriend, the Dating Steph Leann, who has been reminding me of getting this taken care of, will not be happy. However, my thought is to pay it off quickly, and just not mention it. That would be easier, right? Right.

Sighing, I pull my wallet out, or my dayplanner, or whatever it was that I was carrying at the time and set it on the passenger seat, and put both hands on the steering wheel. The big, black, behemoth of an officer came to my window and smiled. He looked like Eddie George, the then-Tennessee Titan running back.

"License and registration, please," he said. Then added, "Proof of insurance."
"Yes sir," I replied, friendly enough. I pulled out my license and my Geico insurance information.
"Do you know why I pulled you over, d$?"
"I am guessing it has something to do with my tag being a couple of months overdue, right?"
"Yep," he nodded, writing on his little tablet. Not looking up, he said, "Normally, if its a month late, I don't worry about it, but yours is three months past. I just couldn't let it slip." He looked up, nodded again and turned to his car. "Just sit right there for me, I'll be right back."

Eddie George got back in his police car, and I looked down at the clock. It was 5:42. I was going to be late, and I hated being late. And even worse, Eddie George was taking forever... finally, he got out of his vehicle, and walked back to the car.

"I'm going to ask you to step out of the car, d$," Eddie George said, suddenly sounding very official. Uh... okay...

I unbuckled my seatbelt, opened the door and stepped out. "Can I ask what the problem is, officer?" That is always such a cheesy movie line, until you are forced to ask it for real.

"Are you aware that you have a speeding ticket that is outstanding from 2000?"
"Uh... no. But I have a feeling I'm aware of it now."
"Please turn around, sir. I'm going to have to take you into custody."
"Seriously? Like, you are seriously going to arrest me?"
"I'm afraid so."

I turned around, and like something out a comedy, Eddie George grabbed my wrists and I felt the metal around my arms snap into place and the handcuffs were squeezed tightly. Eddie George led me to his car and opened the backseat. He nodded toward the backseat, and I climbed in.

"Well," I asked, looking up at Eddie George. "Now what happens?"
"I am a Hoover Police Officer. I've called Vestavia, someone's going to come and take you to their police station."
"Okay, officer, seriously... are these handcuffs necessary? I mean, I'm in a Starbucks shirt. You have my keys. Where am I going to go?"
"Sorry, man. Its policy. I gotta keep you there."

I then glanced over and looked at my car. Where would it go?

"Can I ask what will happen to my vehicle?"
"It's going to be impounded."
"Impounded? Like, I live right there," I nodded my head toward a clump of trees. "See those trees? I live on the other side of them. We could walk there in six minutes. Can I not leave the car here?"
"Sorry about that... its the rules. This is a private business, so it can't stay here."
"What about if... I dunno... you let me drive it, and you follow me back to my apartment. Take me in there. If I try to drive away, you know where I live, or you can just shoot my tires or something."
This got a chuckle out of Eddie George, who had had a half-smile on his face already. He seemed as if he knew I was just a guy who made a mistake, was no real harm, but he was just following the rules he had to follow. Didn't fault him for that.

"Man, if you did that and something happened, do you know how much trouble I'd be in? Gotta leave it here."
"Oh, I got it... my roommate Tom can just get the keys. I can leave them in the floorboard, he will just drive it back. Seriously, man, if you impound the car, its going to cost me like, a hundred bucks when I could stand on my hood of where my car is right now and throw a baseball through my bedroom window." Now this was a lie, because my arm strength has never been very good, but you get the point.

Again, he chuckled, but shook his head. "No can do, my man. No can do."

Finally, it was time to bring up the elephant in the room, so to speak. Say the awkward thing that was there... let's just say it.... "Did you know you look like Eddie George?"

Eddie George smiled again, "Yeah, I've been told that a few times."
"They won 11 last year. Think they'll pick up what they need in the draft?"
"Dunno, man. They need some offensive help, McNair can't do it all by himself."
"They'll be fine. They got a big year ahead."
"Oh, I agree. I see at least 10, 12 wins next season." He pushed a button on his walkie-talkie and took a few steps back.

I sat back as much as I could, though it was harder when your hands are behind your back, pressed against the plastic seat. It was a bonafide plastic bench. I looked around, traffic whizzing by, knowing that I was going to be all kinds of late, or not show up, and I glanced over toward Southland Drive. I couldn't help but grin as I saw a red Ford Explorer, with four faces glued to the window, almost like a scene in a comedy.

In the front, Wookiee, while driving, was staring out the window. Next to him I saw the face of Shawn-Fu, and behind them, I saw the face of Tom Johnson and Mikey. The Explorer was going about seven miles per hour, all faces glued on the red car that they knew was mine parked in the parking lot, and probably the shape in the backseat of the police cruiser that they knew was me.

Mikey called The Rev'rn Ty, and said only, "Ty. The (fecal matter) has hit the fan."

Coming Thursday... Arrested Development's Conclusion...

The 100 Coolest Things of 2007... 100 to 91

Here's the Intro...

#100... Michelle Carr. She's a lifelong missionary, and leads a blessed, faith filled life that most--including myself--could only dream of. My friend Michelle has one of those kind of lives that, when God calls her home, Jesus will say, simply, "Well done, my good and faithful servant. Well done." And that makes her cool in any year.

#99. "The Myth of You and Me" by Leah Stewart. Yeah, its kind of a chick book, or at least, a book about friendship. But its sweet. Its the story of a lifelong friendship, one involving Cameron and Sonia, and its a friendship that has its ups and downs... notably a devastating betrayal by one and a refusal to forgive by the other. I found myself enthralled in the book, a short one that was knocked out in two days, and was happy after I finished it. Then I went and set something on fire just to feel manly.

#98. Tony Dungy. He's the coach of the Indianapolis Colts, who won the Super Bowl. It was his players in Tampa Bay that Chucky won the Super Bowl with back several years ago (2002?) and finally, Dungy took Peyton & the Colts to this years championship. However, its not what he did, it's how he observed it. The hype was all about how Dungy, and Lovie Smith, coach of the Chicago Bears and the Colt's opponent, were the first two black coaches to face off in a Super Bowl... and after the game was over, here's what Dungy had to say about that:

“I’m proud to be representing African-American coaches… to be the first African-American to win this…But again, more than anything, Lovie Smith and I are not only the first two African-Americans, but Christian coaches, showing that you can win doing it the Lord’s way, we’re more proud of that.”


You can read more, and see videos too, at this website I found.

#97. The Air Supply Infomercial. Flipping channels late at night, I stumbled upon the guys from Air Supply. Yeah, that one, the crooners of what I think is the pinnacle of Soft Rock Cheese, "Making Love Out of Nothing At All". Anyway, there they are, hocking the greatest soft rock in history, 11 CDs, 168 songs, and a low examination fee of only $9.95! (You can order here, if I just sold you... personally, I don't know how they got into Paula Maddox's LP collection, but hey...). But its so bad, its so corny, its so filled with cliche and bad music, you can't turn away. Its like... a wreck on tv. You're glued. Its the only infomercial I think I've ever (conscience) watched twice. Wanna see it? I know you do... here is a sample on You Tube, complete with a Gino Vannelli sighting.

#96. Katharine McPhee. That's right. I've still got McPheever. And after a lame season of American Idol, and the flop that is Taylor Hicks national career & autobiography, Katharine still shines. Her album is actually pretty good, with some catchy pop tunes (I mean, don't expect to hear "Singer-Songwriter" used often, this isn't Carole King) and her videos are fun too. Plus, she's in my Top 10 Hottest Chicks of 2007 Not Named Steph Leann or Ashley Judd.

You give me McPheever... McPheever when you hold me tight... McPheever! McPheever in the morning, McPheever all through the night

#95. "Surf's Up". I didn't expect to like this movie, and to be honest with you, the only reason I even saw it was the fact it was the free movie attached to the double feature at the Argo Drive In, when we went to see "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer". And you know what? "Surf's Up" was better than FF:RofSS. It was fun. And funny. And well done. Perhaps its just the Year of the LaBeouf, as the great voices included Shia, Jeff Bridges, Zooey Deschanel and a hysterical turn from Jon Heder as Chicken Joe. Some of it is filmed in "documentary style", which is fun since its an animated film about the Penguin Surfing Championships. Check it out. You'll notice that "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer", though fun, didn't make the 100 Coolest Things of 2007 list, while "Surf's Up" did.

#94. NYCJenni. She was #31 last year, and still makes the list, albeit at #94. Why did she slip? We just haven't talked that much in the latter half of the year, but I still had to include her because we did talk. NYCJenni, one of my favorite blog characters, still has a great shot of making it back in the Top 50 in 2008.


#93. Amy Adams. I didn't rank her higher only because, though I noticed her in "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby", I didn't really pay attention to her until "Enchanted". Now, I've got "Junebug" and "Cruel Intentions 2" on my Blockbuster queue to check out her other works. I look forward to being fascinated with her for about two more months before I move on.


#92. "Love Song" by Sara Bareilles. Clever pop song by newcomer Bareilles, all about a girl who's trying to write a song about her man, but since she's been wronged, she's not going to write him a love song... and ends up writing him a long song. Isn't it ironic... don't you think? Fun song, good beat, snappy little tune. I dig it.

#91. "Knocked Up". Its raw and raunchy, much like the new Hollywood Gang of Seth Rogan, Judd Apatow, Paul Rudd, Leslie Mann and the like are making their movies. And somehow, it works. Starring Rogan and Katherine Heigl (who was in the Top Ten Hottest Chicks of 2007 Not Named Steph Leann or Ashley Judd until I found out she was a smoker, and that ruined it for me), its a family friendly comedy about two people who get way wasted and have a one night stand--for a dork like Ben Stone (Rogan), it would take alcohol to get someone like Alison (Heigl) to sleep with him. And lo and behold, she ends up pregnant.

I'll be honest with you.... this movie was hysterical. Even the Lovely Steph Leann liked it, though she gave her famous "...but I don't want that movie in my house". (see also: Superbad, American Pie 1 thru 3, The Phantom Menace--no one blames her on the last one)

I really like the fact she doesn't consider abortion, and what really makes this movie is the entire ensemble cast, including Leslie Mann, Jonah Hill (who went on to star in "Superbad") and the funny, funny, FUNNY Paul Rudd.

Coming up... The singer of that 1-2-3-4 Apple song... a canceled Fox show... the hottest travel host ever... and K-Dub

Heard It From a Friend Who...

You know the feeling.

It's late, or maybe early. You haven't slept much, or perhaps you just woke up. Either way, your eyelids are heavy, your head feels like a one-ton weight, and at any moment, you get the sense you could just lay over and fall right asleep where you are.

But you can't. Because inches in front of you is the steering wheel. Your hands are on it. Your feet are on the pedals, or close to them if you have the cruise control. You are tired, you are sleepy and you are driving.

Its time for the driving anthems. Lean over, grab that CD, or maybe that iPod, or even that cassette tape you bought at Wal-Mart for $3.99 in the big wire rack. You know, the tape that says R-E-O on it.

The guitar strums, then...

"...heard it from a friend who... heard it from a friend who... heard it from another you been messin' around..."

Some of you are smiling right now, because know exactly what I'm talking about. Its not just the wagon, its the Speedwagon. The REO Speedwagon (and for those of you 20 and under, its not "Oreo" or "Rio", its pronounced like its spelled.. Are-Eee-Oh)

"Take it on the run baby, if thats' the way you want it baby, then I don't want you around. I don't believe it... not for a minute... your under the gun so you take it on the run..."

Some music isn't about whether its good or not... some music is just fun. Some music is made to be sung loudly, off key, and to have the entire room--or car--singing with you.

I had to make several trips last week on the road (hence no posts until today). I drove from my apartment to the Birmingham International Airport and Dance Club, picked up family, drove three hours to Dothan Alabama, stayed 45 minutes, then drove back to my apartment. All in one night. Left our door around 620pm. Got back around 3am. Yawn.

On the way back, I could tell The Lovely Steph Leann was dying to go to sleep. She wanted to lay her head back and just doze soooo badly, but she didn't. She stayed awake, talking to me, making sure I was okay as I drove. I had actually opened the store that morning, so I had been up since 4:30 that morning, so for me, it was a 23 hour day. "23 hours? Please. I stay up that late". Well, try running a Starbucks for nine hours, getting home, eating, cleaning up the apartment, then spending 7 of the next 9 hours driving.

To stay awake, I put the iPod on the dock in the car, and turned on "Steph's Playlist", which is a list that I created that includes all the stuff that we both like, including some Broadway, some country, mostly soft rock, pop and Christian... no hip hop (which I like) and no Barbra (which she likes). And REO Speedwagon's "Take It On the Run" came on. Within the first verse, we were both singing along, and by the second verse, we were both singing loudly. How can you not?

Some of you--Paula, NYC Jenni, perhaps Wendi Miller--are humming the tune to yourself right now, I'll bet.

That got me to thinking... anthem songs. Songs that make you sing them loudly. I think there are some, like "Take It On the Run" that are universal. There are probably some that are individual. What makes an anthem song for me is this:

1) You know all the words. You have to be able to sing along to it. This pretty much takes out "Pour Some Sugar On Me" by Def Leppard... most people only know a few phrases... "you got the peaches, I got the cream... um... take sugar, one lump or two?" This also excludes "Hip Hop Hooray", because lets face it, the only words anyone besides Treach knows to that song are "hip", "hooray" and "hop".

2) Has to be a fun song. Nothing too serious. This takes out everything Seal, Sting or The Police.

3) "Anthem" does not mean your own personal soundtrack... "anthem" means it loud, its stadium worthy. This eliminates most Christian music

4) When caught singing it, most people won't make fun of you, they'll probably sing along. This cuts out most boy bands from recent years, though "Hangin' Tough" might get you some people singing... the words are obscure on that one, though (see Rule 1)

5) Has to be family friendly, at least to a point. At some parties I'm sure busting up with "Pop That Cootchie" from 2 Live Crew might make some people dance, but this isn't something you'll want to be singing at a church outing. So, this does cut out most hip-hop and rap, though "Baby Got Back" might be an exception. This might exclude Prince, though you have to determine if "Little Red Corvette" is appropriate for your audience, or if you are Paula Maddox.

Besides "Take It On the Run", here's what I came up with, for me at least...

"Keep On Loving You" by REO Speedwagon
Kinda the same sound, but different. "And I meant every word I said, when I said that I loved you, I meant that I'll love you forever... I'm gonna keep on loving you... cause its the only thing I wanna do... I don't wanna sleep... I just wanna keep on lovin' you" If Steph ever said that to me, I'll know she's hard core faithful, because she loves to sleep. No joke.

"Makin' Love Out of Nothing at All" by Air Supply
This song is really stupid, when you really pay attention to it. Its 4 minutes and 51 secondsof the pansiest, wussiest love song you'll ever hear... and its great. He's singing all these things he knows how to do, like whisper, cry, find the answers, lie, fake it, scheme, face the truth, dream, where to touch you, when to pull you closer and when to let you loose. He's never gonna tell you everything he's gotta tell you but he knows he's gotta give it a try. BUT... but... he don't know how you do it, making love out of nothing at all.
When the first verse is over, that's when the singalong begins. Then, when the instrumental is over, oh boy, let's go crazy... "I can make the runner stumble, I can make the flying block, I can make every tackle at the sound of the whistle, I can make all the stadiums rock!" Yes, this is a love song, not a cheerleading choir.

"Separate Ways" by Journey
Conventional wisdom will tell you that "Don't Stop Believin" is the way to go here, but for my money, there are few song openings better than the keyboards that start "Separate Ways". Steve Perry is in all his "I'm trying to be bada** gangsta, but we all know I'm not" glory. For the longest time, though, when he sings "Here we stand, worlds apart, hearts are broken in two", I thought he said "Here we stand, Rosa Parks broken in two", and I could never figure out why the civil rights pioneer was mentioned in a Journey song. "Someday love will find you, break those chains that bind you, one night will remind you, howe touched and went our separate ways... if he ever hurts you, true love won't desert you, you know I still love you, though we touched and went our separate ways!"

"I'll Be There For You" by Bon Jovi
A charter member in the "Stephanie Firth Club", Jon Bon Jovi sings this anthem and I immediately go back to 8th grade when the most beautiful girls in the world were Claudia Sorrells and Nicki Vann, and my biggest problems were that I ran for student council and lost. Again. (never fear, I won 4 years running starting in 9th grade)
"Baby you know my hands are dirty (woman, you know my hands are dirty), but I wanted to be your valentine, I'll be the water when you get thirsty baby, when you get drunk I'll be the wine..."

"Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler
How can you go wrong with this one? I mean, its one of those songs that if someone asked you how the second verse started, you'd have to go through the whole song to get to it... if its the regular boring radio version, its "every now and then I know you'll never be the boy you always wanted to be ". If its the true, full version, its "every now and then I get a little bit restless and I dream of something wild"
We did a drama to music to this a few years ago. It was interesting... not sure I'll ever do it again, but I thought it was awesome. I love how Bonnie screams "WE'RE LIVING IN A POWDER KEG AND GIVING OFF SPARKS!!!" and two lines later, she's lightly singing "...nothing I can say, a total eclipse of the heart". And the big bass drums in the instrumental... just cool.

"Fergilicious" by Fergie
Just kidding, just kidding. Wanted to see if you were still with me.

"End of the Road" by Boyz II Men
Unfortunately, we just don't hear the Boyz anymore. Obviously, they aren't on mainstream pop radio now, but even on our soft rock stations that play classic Bryan Adams and Phil Collins and old Sheryl Crow, no Boyz. Its a shame, really, because they had a good thing going for a while.
My favorite B2M is "Motownphilly", which is probably the same for most, but 90% of you don't know the words to "Motownphilly"... but you do know the words to "End of the Road". It was the class song for the Samson High Class of 94 (mine was "Its So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday" in 93... a B2M song about death, followed up by a B2M song about a broken heart. Go Tigers!)
What's interesting about the Boyz is they started the deep voiceover trend... you konw, instead of a bridge, its Nate, Mike, Shawn or Wanya, whichever has the deep voice, talking, saying "baby, I love you baby, come back to me, I'm sorry baby, etc". They did this on most of their stuff, including "Water Runs Dry" and "On Bended Knee", and the trend carried onto Boyz II Men wannabes like 4P.M. and All-4-One.

Other Anthems That Probably Only Me Appreciate:
"Say Say Say" by Michael Jackson & Paul McCartney
"Sweet Child O'Mine" by Guns N Roses
"Blaze of Glory" by Jon Bon Jovi
"The Longest Time" by Billy Joel
"When Doves Cry" by Prince & the Revolution
"Sin Wagon" by The Dixie Chicks

I am leaving out a bunch of stuff. Later today, perhaps five minutes after I post this, I'll think of four songs that should have made this list... and hopefully, you'll comment and tell me what either keeps you awake or just makes you happy to sing loudly and shamelessly.

Until then, just one command... Turn around bright eyes. Turn around.

ps... as I was posting this, I randomly turned on Oasis and started belting out "how many special people change, how many lives are living strange, where were you while we were getting high?" at the top of my lungs. Sigh. I love music.