...I turn on ABC's "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve, featuring Ryan Seacrest". Ryan is looking his American Idol bestiest, and he is standing with some of today's hottest young acts... there's the wonderful Taylor Swift. Her new album is fantastic, her first album is also fantastic, she's going to be great. Behind Ryan there stands Demi Lovato. You'll know her soon enough, if not already, most notably from "Camp Rock", and she's even got her own Disney show coming up.
And then, with Demi and Taylor, to the right of Ryan, are three of the biggest guys in the world, the Jonas Brothers. They are all laughing, and having a great time, as they should with standing on platform in Times Square, minutes before the ball drops.
But who is doing most of the talking? Not Taylor, she's not saying a word, she's just smiling. Not Demi, she's just behind the Jonas Brothers, as if she knows her place right now. Not the Jonas Brothers, though they are jumping in here and there. No, not even Ryan is doing most of the talking.
No, instead, its... Lionel Richie.
When booking talent, deciding who would be great to appear on the show, figuring out who should be with Ryan at what point in the show, and who should perform (Ne-Yo just did), who in the world wrote:
"Demi Lovato, Nick, Joe and Kevin Jonas and Taylor Swift to be with Ryan Seacrest, flanked by Lionel Richie"
Not sure if that guy should be flogged or promoted.
If I'm Lionel Richie, I'm keeping the 'fro. When this album came out, Taylor, Demi, Nick, Joe or Kevin weren't even around. Seriously.
So, down in the street, its Pickles! In much the way you like stuff that makes you smile embarrassingly and say, "I can't help it, I just do!", I love me some Pickles. She's so... well, so Pickley. Kellie Pickley.
She's down in the crowd, talking to different people, with this weird boofy haircut, and very odd eyelashes... and yet... she still looks gorgeous! Its Pickles!
Let's talk about Dick Clark. The guy is coming up on his 142nd birthday, and we all know that he had a stroke a few years ago. Now... if I am doing a job and that job requires me to perform a task that an illness or disaster or tragedy has rendered me unable to perform in a solid, satisfactory manner, I will perhaps step back from that duty.
Not Dick. He keeps on trucking, perhaps uncomfortably. Okay, let's be clear, I am in no way making fun of his speech, or his mannerisms or his condition--he's a solid Hollywood Legend, and I grew up watching TV Bloopers & Practical Jokes, and American Bandstand (sadly, past its heyday even in my childhood) and $25,000 Pyramid (which really seems like nothing compared to the millions given out by Deal or No Deal and other shows. I digress)...
...but Dick Clark is a little scary. Really. When I see him talking, he's got this tooth that you can see, and it looks pointed. The stroke keeps him from moving part of his face, so he's got this pointy tooth, freakly facial look.
Oh, stop fussing at me, you think it too.
Over on Fox, they are overachieving as always. There are about five different reporters, none of which I've ever heard of, reporting from around the country, but notably from:
1) Vegas, where Robbie Knievel is attempting to jump something with a motorcycle.
2) And somewhere where we get a behind the scenes preview of Cirque de Soleil.
Or... I can go back to ABC and see Pickles!
I choose Pickles! She' so Kellie Pickley!!!
It's 1134... in New York, the ball has already dropped, so now we are treated to performances from Natasha Bedingfield (I gotta pocket gotta pocket fulla sunshine...) and Jesse McCartney, who apparently had a big year with his hit "Leavin"--do I need to stop reading so much and listening to Talk Radio and start turning on The Q, Birmingham's Hit Radio Station, so I can keep up with this stuff?
We also were treated to The Pussycat Dolls. There are jokes here. None of them are proper for a family blog, and most, if not all, are a result of very little sleep in the last 36 hours added to the fact that I'm a boy and edgy humor makes me giggle.
And another who had a big hit in 2008... Robin Thicke? What the?
Over on Fox, they have this joke segment where cameramen are running up to various strangers who bear a resemblance to actual celebrities, and taking their pictures. And now, we send it back to Chrissy Russo, with Spanky Spangler, the stunt coordinator for Robbie's jump!
(note to you, coffee drinkers, I made neither one of those names up)
I think it was a few years ago--The Lovely Steph Leann says last year, I don't remember--that KT and J Rob and The Hawbakers and The Croyles and whoever came over and we watched some sort of jump on ESPN (well, actually I know it was last year they came over, I just can't remember when the jump was), taking place at midnight, forsaking all ball droppings and Times Square coverage, pinning our entertainment quota on whether the stuntman makes it or doesn't... he made it.
Jess Hawbaker lamented that she felt bad for kinda wishing he would crash, but wow would it be fun to watch.
DNC-TV, also known as MSNBC, has Rachel Maddow leading up to midnight, which is in about 16 minutes.
I think I'm going to start my own liberal newspaper, and call it "America Sucks".
Fox News has a show called "U Party 2009", and there is someone singing that I can't identify. It's probably a country song, because its one of those emotional message family songs.
I waited for the song to end, which couldn't come fast enough, and the guy said "Thank you!' and they cut to commercial. That's terrible.
Back to ABC's "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve" and I'm looking at who I can only guess is Solange Knowles, Beyonce's little sister. That's So-Lahn-Jay, by the way.
And Solange, for lack of a better term, has a yellow unibrow. A real, yellow unibrow. The Lovely Steph Leann just walked in, carrying a glass of something and a box of Raisinettes. She stopped, looked at the would-be-pretty-chick-on-the-screen-save-for-the-yellow-unibrow and just said, "Oh."
As the show went to commercial, the announcer said, "Coming up, performances from Jesse McCartney, we'll go to Times Square with Ryan and check in on the West Coast with Fergie!"
The Lovely Steph Leann then said, "Uh-uh. No."
So, its 7 minutes til. I ask The Lovely Steph Leann if she has any thoughts for the new year. I think she sees me typing, and simply says, "Happy new year."
And we're back on with more Jesse McCartney.
Seriously, I do want to say best wishes and prayers to those guys and gals overseas, and even here in the military. Thanks to you guys for all you are doing. And a special thanks to Jodie in Enterprise and Erin Formerly Coates Now Whitehead and all the others out there who are here while their significant other spends tons of time away, protecting me and my freedom to write this blog.
Back from commercial on Fox, we've got 2:05 left in the year of 2008, and The Lovely Steph Leann perks up when she sees Robbie Knievel on his motorcycle. She gasps, "Oh my gosh... we're doing this again?"
Another nameless reporter down at Times Square (Pickles is much better) is telling us its 17 degrees, but the wind chill is 2 degrees. If it feels like 2 degrees, then... its 2 degrees, right?
And... 10 seconds.... 9 seconds...
3 seconds! 2 seconds! A single second left in 2008!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
Big Willie Clinton and his wife Hillary were the official "Ball Droppin' Button Pushers", or whatever. That means they push the button that made the ball drop. Is it bad that I wanted Hillary to break the knob or something, because I had about fourteen "ball busting" jokes lined up. Alas.
American Idol is coming back to Fox in a few weeks. And I'll be blogging every second of it, like an obsessed fan. Maybe I am, or maybe its fun to talk about. Who knows.
Back on Fox, another nameless reporter is talking to the Cirque de Soleil people... apparently, this version is an adult version, including "naughty bits" (their words, not mine) and transvestites. That might be the first, and hopefully the only, time we use the word "transvestites" on Clouds in My Coffee.
That might have been the most uncomfortable two minutes I've ever seen on my television.
The other nameless reporter is covering Robbie Knievel, discussing the upcoming stunt. He just said, "We'll give you some scenarios in which tonight might not be so happy."
Why I want to call Jess Hawbaker and tell her to turn on the television right now? They are in Denver, but this would be worth the viewing.
Robbie Knievel is going down a ramp, down the street, up a ramp and jumping a manmade "volcano" fulled of pyrotechnics and such, in the front yard of the Mirage Casino.
And in case you have a volcano in your backyard, or any pyro, don't try this at home.
And here we go... Robbie is off... he jumps... he lands... and for the second year in a row, its totally anti-climactic.
Flipped back over to ABC, to "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve" and whaddya know, we got Corbin Bleu singing on the air, in front of Cinderella's castle. As Brad Latta could easily tell you, Corbin plays Chad in High School Musical 3: Senior Year.
What an hour we've had... Ryan Seacrest, Dick Clark, Robbie Knievel, The Lovely Steph Leann, Pickles!, Fergie, Solange, Solange's Yellow Unibrow...
Don't forget, starting in the next couple of days, I'll be counting down the 100 Coolest Things of 2008, my annual list (the 4th year!) of the best things of the year that has just been completed.
But for now, I bid you goodnight, and Happy New Year!