Things I Think I Think

Here are my thoughts while putting up ornaments and listening to "The Social Network" on Starz West, playing in the background...

Okay, well, "The Social Network" was about nine hours ago... now I'm watching "Cedar Rapids", with a B-List cast of Ed Helms, John C. Reilly, Anne Heche and Milton from Office Space.

Honestly, I really thought this movie would be funny... it was billed as an independent comedy, with Ed Helms playing a naive, nerdy insurance agent being sent to Cedar Rapids, Iowa, for a conference, where he meets other agents, some good and bad, who influence him in good and bad ways... the movie has been on for about 50 minutes, and I honestly haven't laughed one single time.  Ed Helms is so dorky in this movie its almost unbearable, John C. Reilly, normally someone who delivers, is way over the top as the crude, raunchy Dean Z, and Anne Heche is the only likable person in this entire movie.  And though I have nothing against Anne Heche, when Anne Heche is the only likable person in your movie, its not a good time.  Bad times.

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Wanna make a billion dollars?  Invest in a McDonald's or Chick-fila franchise.  Then make breakfast available all day.  Or even until 1032am, because that seems to be the time I arrive there wanting my McGriddle combo, or a 4 count chicken mini pack... I've even heard a chick at Chick-fila tell a customer who asked about breakfast--at 1032 no less--"We cut it off right at 1030".   Seriously?  Can you not just sell me the biscuit you are about to throw out like, right now?

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So now its 2012.  According to the Mayan calendar, or at least what everyone tells me the Mayan calendar says, the world will end in December.  Right now its not so bad... but come October, the amount of times you'll hear something about "the end of the world" and/or Mayan calendar is going to be close to 1,397 times per day.

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Saw a Facebook picture that said this, and its glorious:

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Okay, enough with the rich people suck deal.  When EVERYONE who should be paying taxes is paying taxes, then we can discuss whether the "rich" should pay more than they are paying right now.  So get the other 49% of non-taxpayers on board doing their fair share, and we'll talk.

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Once socks come off my feet, they are done.  I can wear a pair for a 9 hours shift at Starbucks, have them spotted, maybe even wet with everything from mocha splatter to mop water, and when I get home, just change from my black work sneaks to my regular sneaks, same socks.  But when I take them off, I cannot put them back on.  However, if I toss on a pair of socks just to give me a padding between my bare feet and shoes just for the 10 minute trip to CVS and back, when they are off the feet... they are done.  I don't put on a pair of socks that I have worn previously, since the last wash.

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First world problem. My earbuds broke.  I don't use the iPod earbuds that came standard, I choose to use a pair of Sonys that I got hooked on some years back.  They just fit.  However, a quick dinner at Milo's proved to be fatal... with a fumble of the hands, my earbuds slipped, crashed onto the hard tile floor, and the left one came apart.  I managed to put it back together, but now the sound difference in the left and right is unbearable.  Went to Wal-Mart tonight, almost settled for a pair of JVCs as they were out of the Sonys, but I will hold strong.  Target is in my immediate future, at least tomorrow.  First world problem indeed.

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That awkward moment when standing in a Wal-Mart check-out line, your thirsty, you grab a drink from the nearby cooler, and before you even get to the cashier, you realize its not Mello Yello.... its, in fact, Mello Yello Zero.

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That new fad of describing awkward situations by using a sentence that doesn't have a subject, and only begins with the predicate, making it more of a clause than a sentence.

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I have yet to hear a Nicki Minaj song.  And I'm quite fine with that.

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I also had yet to hear "Friday" by Rebecca Black until about two hours ago, listening to The Adam Carolla Podcast, it was playing in the background as a humorous addition to a humorous bit.  So now I've heard at least part of "Friday".  Yup, its that bad.

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So have you seen the Alumi-Wallet?  Its simply a hard shell wallet, made of supposed aluminum, and supposedly indestructible.  I'm here to tell you--its a piece of crap.  Retailing for about $10, it does in fact have that hard shell, almost looking like a teeny tiny metal briefcase, you know, those ones that drug dealers put $1,000,000 in cash inside of before passing it off to the undercover agent who is wearing a wire... got me?  Good.  Anyway, you open it up with this little plastic clasp, and its like an accordion file, with maybe 10 pockets.  Each can hold a card or two, maybe a bill or two, but you dare not put too many cards (or too many bills, which is not a problem I have) in at one time--it wont close.

Plus, knock it over while its open and everything falls out... there's nothing to secure the wallets contents.  And the worst part is, the commercials show a car rolling over it and everything inside staying safe... well, I didn't roll Red Robin over it.  But I did drop it once, the clasp broke and now it won't close.   I don't recall my old wallet, a cheap leather job, failing to close or be secure when dropped.  Not a fan.

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And finally... when I take down this Christmas tree in our house, I find myself thinking over and over that this tree is more trouble than its worth, and that I don't ever want to put it up again... does anyone else feel this way?  Anyone?  Just me?  Okay.

Happy Meal Sadness

Okay, its been a week, and rather than post more movie reviews (seems all I've done is watch movies in the last two weeks...) I found this online and thought it entertaining.  Let's face it, anytime someone is funnier than me, I don't mind talking about it--hence referrals to Hurricane Rhett and President Obama's policies.  Of course, I want to keep you here, so that's why I chose to post the article on this page.

Its from a site called Topless Robot, which is full of pop culture and random lists of junk--making it, of course, right up my alley.  Its concerning one of the greatest institutions of American childhood, that being "The Happy Meal" at McDonald's... and more importantly, the toy that comes in the Happy Meal. 

I cleaned up the language, added the pictures and... The Top Ten Saddest Happy Meal Toys Ever.

The Happy Meal was introduced in 1979, the brainchild of an ad exec working for McDonalds and wanting to capitalize on the then-new success of the drive-through window. Early Happy Meals were pretty lame affairs, but they were only 99 cents too. And the toy wasn't actually that bad -- sure, they were just McDonaldland erasers: Ronald, Grimace, the Hamburglar, and the rest all done up sort of in M.U.S.C.L.E. style -- but that in itself is much more filled with awesomeness than the crap that Happy Meals would try to foist on kids later.

Over time, the idea grew into not just a kid-magnet, but a goldmine of cross-promotion--the first movie tie-in was with Star Trek: The Movie, and while the movie sort of tanked, the toys did pretty well. That led to a focus on more of the same, and once Disney bought in? Game over. The fact is that it's the tie-in stuff that mostly rocks -- when McDonalds was left to their own devices, the quality of the toys dipped dramatically, and so did the play value. (And as this list will show, even the tie-ins sometimes went wrong.) These, then, are the toys that kids complained about from the back seat.

10) THE PLASTIC GLOVE PUPPET

It sounds obscene, I know. And it sort of was, for those kids subjected to this early Happy Meal "prize," usually given out when a store had run out of their allotment of the real Happy Meal toy. Sure, it had Ronald McDonald printed on it, but is that supposed to make you feel better? Combine the baseline lameness of getting this thing as a "prize" with the apparently dark ages of graphic design, in which characters just look too scary for words.

9) McDONALDLAND AIRPORT

This is a good example of how Happy Meal toys sort of suck when they're about McDonalds. These things look like they belong in cereal boxes, and even then, they'd be a serious disappointment. Toy quality aside, did anyone ever know anyone who actually liked most of the McDonaldland characters as kids? They were there, and they were fine, and once in a while, you might feel sorry for Grimace or something, but that's more or less where the emotional tie ended. How many kids really wanted a Birdie in a Biplane?

8) CLONE WARS

This is a good example of how movie tie-ins can go wrong; by supporting semi-collectible pieces of crap that kids don't care about, and are too stupid-looking to really be popular with older fans. This Clone Wars line was just a stupid idea, with virtually no play value. Giant heads erupting from tiny vehicles -- these are not two great tastes that taste greater. Instead of peanut butter and chocolate, they ended up with something closer to peanut butter and gasoline. As a side note, this also marks the four-hundred and eighty-sixth time that Chewbacca has been completely screwed by the Star Wars franchise. He gets an Imperial Scout Walker? Seriously, give a Wookiee a break.

7) E.T. POSTERS, ROUND TWO

Posters aren't necessarily bad things for kids prizes -- kids like to decorate their room with ridiculous crap just like the rest of us. But a poster that comes in a Happy Meal? Yeah, that sounds like trouble. First, it's going to come all folded up, and second, it's going to sit next to the fries and soak up grease. But all in all, not the worst prize--at least the first time around. See, McDonalds did this promotion twice -- first when E.T. was actually in theaters, which makes sense. And then again three years later, in 1985. When it made no sense at all. Unless you consider that McDonalds probably had a ton of leftover posters in a warehouse someplace.

6) MADAME ALEXANDER "OZ" DOLLS

Okay, first, I have to officially lodge a protest that there are kids dolls that are produced by a company called "Madame Alexander," who frankly sounds like she's working at The Bunny Ranch in Nevada. That said, the 2008 marriage of Ronald McDonald and Madame Alexander just sounds like some sort of garishly colored fake-baby clown funeral. Most horrifying is that this wave was all based on The Wizard of Oz (exactly why is unclear -- it's not like Oz suddenly became at all relevant in 2008) -- and it hit its nadir in this evil winged monkey baby. First off, this is where cross-marketing goes completely off the rails. Second, this thing is just utterly terrifying. The flying monkeys from Oz have seriously creeped out kids for years; sticking a baby-version in a plastic baggie (looking for all the world like it suffocated and died in there) just ups the horror. Here, have a nightmare with your McNuggets, kid. When we get home, maybe I'll let you watch Saw while you play with the clown doll from "Poltergeist".

SIDEBAR... By the way, that stupid clown who drags that kid under the bed in "Poltergeist" is like a one-two punch when you are seven years old... not only made me frightened of creepy clowns (thats a redundant statement) but also wary of looking under my bed when its after midnight...

5) HALLOWEEN PAILS

While the Halloween-themed pails aren't so bad in and of themselves (they're cute, I guess, and actually serve a function, supposedly -- though any Trick-or-Treater worth his glow stick would fill this mother with blackmailed candy several times over). What made these suck was that they didn't include a price -- they were the prize. Kids opened these up, waiting to see what was inside, and they got... nothing. Now, it's important to note that these buckets actually hearken back to the early days of McDonalds, when the activities on the boxes were thought to be the major draws. But were ad-men astute, they would have noticed that this idea fell away in favor of toys in little baggies nestled next to a sack of six fries and a burger the size of a beer coaster. This happened for a reason. And that reason is: no matter how fun the packaging is, what's inside still counts for something.

4) PLAY-DOH MINI PACKS

This mid-'80s promotion must have seemed like a good idea at first. Little cardboard cylinders of Play-Doh -- and what kid doesn't like Play-Doh? Of course, it was a tiny amount of Play-Doh -- about the size of a McNugget. (And strangely enough, healthier to consume.) And you only got one color at a time, which sort of sucked too. But ultimately, what puts it on this list is that this prize ended up being more of an invitation to get yelled at, because you're getting these at a drive-through, opening them up in the back seat of your Dad's company car, and getting it all over the upholstery. Of course, the real idea was that this was an easy deal to make; Play-Doh has had a relationship with McDonalds from way back, selling Happy Meal playsets in the stores, and Play-Doh packs in Happy Meals. Corporate synergy -- (do do do do do!) I'm lovin' it.

3) RONALD MCDONALD SUNGLASSES

The beauty of these frames, of course, is not just that they allow you to show off the fact that you've recently dined at Mickey D's, and that you're doggone proud of it. More importantly, it creates a sort of symbiotic relationship with Ronald himself, as he springs from your head like Athena from the cranium of Zeus. In this, Ronald is sort of acting like your own personal walking-around valet, greeting everyone as you pass. He's like a forehead ambassador from McDonaldland (something you might think that Mayor McCheese would take on, since you know, he's already in politics). Sadly, what Ronald seems to be saying to everyone here is "please beat the crap out of whoever's wearing me." So you know, good with the bad, dark cloud, silver lining, all that.

2) STEPOMETERS

This idea completely shot the point out of the entire concept, and aimed Happy Meals at health-conscious adults. (Wait... what?) Yes, completely disregarding any demographic success the chain had ever had, they devised a brilliant strategy to put salads, water, and cheap, virtually non-functioning pedometers into Happy Meals. Aimed at people watching their weight. At McDonalds. With tons of extra packaging to boot, just in case these imaginary customers were also concerned for the environment, so that this would be a complete failure and the height of irony from any and all perspectives.

1) MARY-JUANA

Man, did this Happy Meal end up in the wrong hands. Had this not been discovered by an 8-year-old Chicago girl in 2007, and instead been purchased by a couple of college kids with the munchies, it might've found itself on the list of "Best Happy Meal Toys Ever." Alas, it was not to be. Instead, said pot (along with a lighter and a pipe, of course) led police to arrest the young man (and soon to be former McDonalds employee), who had needed a place to put his stash, and considered a stack of Happy Meal boxes kept right by the drive-through a good hiding place. (This is your brain on drugs, kids.) Of course, this inclusion to the McDonaldland mythoi does go a long way to explain the insatiable hunger of the Hamburglar, not to mention Grimace's very existence.

The original article can be found here.