Sunday, March 05, 2006

The 2006 Academy Award Online Diary

Well, here we are... the 2006 Academy Awards are here. So, for the next four hours, I'll be keeping up with who wins, who loses and who gets the $25 gift card to the Rave Movie Theater, which goes to the person in the room who gets the most right. Right now, we've got Stephanie, Shawn, Mikey, Ashley and Ken Nipp.

6:50pm... Sybil,Dan and Drew just arrived.

6:52pm… Tommy & Amy just arrived.

7:03pm… Jon Stewart is the host. They are saying he’s not going to be too political… but we’ll see.

7:04pm… They are doing a hilarious montage of previous hosts… if you’ve watched the show in years past, you’ll find this really, really funny.

7:05pm… His monologue has started. Lets hear the jokes… “Glad to see all the celebrities here… first time you’ve voted for a winner, huh?” Democratic joke. Very funny.

7:08pm… Great Clooney joke. He’s doing pretty well right now…

7:09pm… Stewart to Steven Spielberg: “Schindler’s List… now Munich. Speaking as a Jew, I can’t wait to see what happens to us next.”

7:10pm… “Raise your hand if you were not in Crash…”

7:11pm… “Walk the Line. Its just Ray with white people.”

7:13pm… “There’s nothing remotely gay about Cowboy movies…” and then they proceed to show a montage of classic cowboy themes that can be taken quite wrong in the gay sense. Its very wrong… but really funny.

7:15pm… Nicole Kidman—who looks RAVISHING—is giving away the first award, the best Supporting actor Award. I picked Matt Dillon in “Crash”, though I think the popular consensus is George Clooney in “Syriana”.

7:16pm… George Clooney wins it. I’m 0-1.

7:25pm… Tom Hanks in his semi-mullet hair, for “The Da Vinci Code”. I am really excited about seeing that movie… and maybe one day reading the book. Now, lets welcome… Ben Stiller. And he comes out in a green screen suit, the award for Visual Effects.

7:26pm… Stiller is cracking me up. I went for Narnia. And I missed it. I’m 0-2. Crapola.

7:30pm… Here comes Reese Witherspoon. Oh, I love me some Reese. And she looks fabulous! She’s doing Animated Feature… I’ve chosen Wallace & Gromit: Curse of the WereRabbit, and I can’t imagine this not winning… however, Howl’s Moving Castle is getting lots of buzz.

7:31pm… And the winner is… Wallace & Gromit! I got one! I’m 1-2!

7:33pm… Naomi Watts is wearing an entire box of Kleenex. And now Dolly is singing one of the nominated songs, “Travelin’ Thru” from Transamerica. All the girls in the room have just had a discussion on the fakeness or realness of Dolly’s boobs, and how they are staying so perky. Their words, not mine.

7:42pm… We’re back. Stewart is bringing out Luke & Owen Wilson to present Live Action Short. I picked “Last Farm”, which most people did. None of us know anything about any of these, so it’s a crap shoot. And the winner is… Six Shooter. None of us got it right.

7:43pm…. And now Chicken Little (no, the real one, not the guy from American Idol) and Abby Mallard doing the Animated Short Film. And the winner is… The Moon & the Sun. Crap. I’m 1-4.

7:45pm… The still pretty good lookin’ Jennifer Aniston giving away the Costume Award. Memoirs of a Geisha just won. And the joke is… she could have dressed herself a little better. She does look a little ruddy.

7:51pm… Here comes Russell Crowe. No phones. He’s doing a montage on biopics… Selena, Jim Morrison, Howard Hughes… what, no Confessions of a Dangerous Mind?

7:57pm… Will Ferrell & Steve Carrell… dressed in total freak face paint. Doing the Make-Up Award. Will Ferrell looks like a tomato, and Steve has on fake eyelashes. I picked Narnia… and the winner is… Narnia!! Yes, I got 2!

8:03pm… Rachel McAdams. Nice. Oh, and we just had our first political joke of the night.

8:04pm… Morgan Freeman is giving away the Supporting Actress Award. I picked Rachel Weisz (pronounced Vise) for “The Constant Gardner”, though it would be cool to see Catherine Keener pick one up. The buzz is Michelle Williams for Brokeback Mounting. Mountain. Whatever. She’s always Dawson’s Creek to me.

8:06pm… And the winner is… Rachel Weisz. I got four, actually.

8:12pm… Here comes Lauren Bacall. She’s like, 153 years old. None of us know what she’s talking about. Not sure she does, really. Something about film noir… she’s having trouble reading the prompter (Ashley says “she can barely breathe”). An interesting montage of Noir, though I only knew a few of the films.

8:13pm… Great parody of how actresses look crappy to win Best Actress (ie, Charlize Theron). Next up is Terrance Howard, who played a pimp in “Hustle & Flow”. He played a pimp, which is an agent with a better hat.

8:14pm… Documentary Short. I picked God Sleeps on Rwanda. I mean, its Rwanda. The Academy loves Rwanda, right? Right? Maybe? Right? Wrong. Some other crap won.

8:21pm… Charlize Theron comes out. She’s here to give the award to March of the Penguins. I mean, other films were nominated, but come on, everyone loves the Penguins.

8:22pm… And we were right—The March of the Penguins. French guys who can barely speak English, some crap about some treaty that expires in 2021. And here comes Jennifer Lopez. Don’t you have to be an actress to be here? She hasn’t been an actress since Out of Sight. And here is some chick singing some song from “Crash”. This is the song I picked… however, the fun part will be seeing “Hard to Be a Pimp”.

8:23pm… There is fire on stage. People are emerging. Wait… there actually is a burning car onstage. I feel more racially equal just watching this. Or sleepy, one or the other. Its leading to this discussion:
Ashley: I hate Tom Cruise
Nikki: Really?
Me: The best part about War of the Worlds is Dakota Fanning.
Shawn: I hated Crash
Me: Better than Munich
Michael: I liked Munich.
Which lead to a discussion about Michael Jackson in Iraq
Amy: He was wearing a burque
Ashley: His nose probably fell off.
Nikki: I like the monkeys on tv.

8:31pm… ABC just showed a commercial for the Miracles Something or Other new show, where they do miracles for handicapped kids or something. Here comes Sandra & Keanu, coming out to Speed music.

8:32pm… Art Direction Award… Shawn & I picked Memoirs of a Geisha, Nikki went with Harry Potter, while everyone else went with King Kong. Memoirs of a Gay Shawn. And the Oscar goes to… Geisha! Rock on!

8:35pm… Did you know that Sammy L. Jackson is in a movie this summer called “Snakes on a Plane”? I kid you not. I’m pumped for it. Sam Jackson is one of the baddest mothers in the world. He’s doing a little montage on groundbreaking films. Erin Brockovich, To Kill a Mockingbird, The Sting, Easy Rider, The Insider… all solid, great films. Why is Day After Tomorrow included?

8:40pm… Jon Stewart just introduced the president of the Motion Picture Association of America. And I think made fun of him. Kind of funny. As this dude is talking, I think some of the audience is going to sleep. I know I might be. Nikki: What’s he talking about? Ashley: I’m bored.

8:43pm… One question. What is Salma Hayek on stage? She’s introducing the guy who is directing the orchestra, for the 18th time. And she’s got on Prozak Vulvan, doing the score for each nominated film. Ashley: “Uh… Original Bore.”

8:45pm… The popular choice is Geisha, because John Williams is doing it. I’m voting for Brokeback Mounting. Williams has won, like 40 Oscars, and been nominated about 184 times. Shawn Sharp should win Best Score.

8:46pm… Brokeback wins it. I knew it.

8:47pm… Score right now… Shawn has 8, Mikey & I have 7, Steph & Dan have 6, Nikki, Sybil, Tommy and Ashley have 5… and Drew has 4. So does Amy.

9pm… Jake Gyllenhaal doing his bit—montage on “epic” films. Ben Hur… actually, for Jake right now, it might be Ben-Him. Was that mean? =)

9:02pm… Jon Stewart: “I can’t wait to see Oscars Salute to Montages. We are actually now out of clips. Send yours in, even if they are on beta.”

9:03pm… Jessica Alba and Burton from Survivor are coming out to do Sound Mixing. She’s kinda cute. I picked Narnia to win… Shawn and Mikey picked Walk the Line. I can catch up for this one. And King Kong takes it.

9:05pm… Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep. Michael: “Let’s find two out of work actresses and try to make them look good.” Now’s the time for the ten minute break while they give an “honorary” Oscar to someone who could never win one on his own. Its going to Robert Altman… what happens it, when someone stays in Hollywood forever, and the Academy says “hey, we should give this guy something before he croaks”, they do this honorary stuff. Lily and Meryl are just rambling and going on and on.

9:07pm… Robert Altman did Gosford Park, Nashville, The Player, M*A*S*H, Short Cuts and many others. However, most of my readers (all three of you) under 20 (two of you) won’t know hardly any of these films. Very sad.

9:10pm… He also directed “Dr T & the Women”, which Stephanie says “is the worst two hours of my life”. Nikki adds “give him the stupid award and lets move”. Michael adds “Robert Altman might die onstage.” Nikki then adds “He’s very broad shoulders.

9:11pm… He’s directing currently “A Prairie Home Companion” with Meryl Streep and Lindsay Lohan. No, I’m not making that up. Princess Shrinking Boobs herself.

9:12pm… Altman is talking, the crowd is laughing. Amy and Steph are discussing makeup, Drew and Mikey are talking about Dance Dance Revolution. So, in other words, we can’t hear a thing he’s saying. Altman is pointing to his family, which I guess includes David Crosby.

9:14pm… A commercial featuring M. Night Shamalama. I love this guy. He’s the director of Sixth Sense and The Village and Unbreakable and Signs, which were all fabulous movies. It’s a very, very long American Express commercial.

9:18pm… Ludacris is coming onstage. As a rapper turned actor, he’s probably doing the best of all the rappers turned actors. He’s making sexual innuendo jokes. But he’s introducing “Hard Out to Be a Pimp”… which is a great song. This is awesome…. Its like a bad live video. Someone on stage is named “Crunchy Black”. Don’t ask.

9:19pm… They are strategically using the word “witches” for a few select words.

9:20pm… There is a white guy. Again, don’t ask.

Drew: What’s Kirk Cameron doing up there?
Nikki: I feel like I’m watching Rent.

9:22pm… Queen Latifah is coming onstage. Drew: “Its Queen Ursula”

9:23pm… So here’s the award… I picked “In the Deep” from Crash. The Pimp song, and Dolly’s “Travelin’ Thru”. Shawn noted that DJ Qualls was on stage, which makes me think that’s the only way he’ll ever get there.

9:25pm… Yes, Hard Out Here for a Pimp just won Best Song. Its notable that only the black people in the audience are clapping. Jon Stewart just said “You know… it just got easier for a pimp.” Then he made a good point… “How come they (the Three-6 Mafia) are the only excited ones here tonight?” And yes, Three-6 Mafia just went nuts.

9:27pm… Jennifer Garner, who almost fell, just had a baby. Even if she still hasn’t lost the weight, she still looks great. She’s giving out Sound Editing. I went King Kong. And the award goes to King Kong!

9:30pm… And here’s George Clooney. Politics aside, he’s really a funny guy. And you can still here Three-6 Mafia. Here comes the death bed montage, for all the people that passed away last year. In Memoriam is what they call him.

9:31pm… Mr. Miyagi… Sandra Dee… Chris Penn… Shelley Winters… Anne Bancroft… Eddie Albert… a bunch of guys and gals I’ve never heard of… Richard Pryor… Steph made a point that she hates the fact that not everyone gets equal clapping.

9:37pm… Will Smith is up in the hizzy for the Foreign Language Film. I went with Tsotsi… and like short films, it’s a crap shoot. The Oscar goes to… Tsotsi… I’m in the running for this!

9:39pm… The winner is speaking some other language, and giving props to the kids who were in his film, Tsotsi.

9:40pm… Jon Stewart: “Just so you know… Martin Scorcese, 0 Oscars. Three-6 Mafia, 1”. Best line of the night so far.

9:41pm… Zing Zhang Zungxiixi is doing Film Editing. She can barely speak English. And the winner is “Crash”, which gives me my 10th right award of the night. Other than “Pimp”, nothing so far tonight too shocking.

9:42pm… I went with “Capote” for Adapted Screenplay… the other leaders in the group went with “Brokeback Mountain”. Truman Capote can win it or lose it for me.

9:44pm… Hilary Swank is here to give Best Actor. I find Hilary strangely attractive—I even liked Another Karate Kid.

9:45pm… PS Hoffman as Capote, Heath Ledger as the gay cowboy, Terrance Howard as a pimp, WahKeen Phoenix as Johnny Cash, and David Straithern as Edward R. Murray in Good Night & Good Luck. I picked Hoffman.

9:46pm… Philip Seymour Hoffman got it… he was robbed in Twister and Boogie Nights. I really like PS Hoffman… he’s officially made The Leap from Hall of Famer That Guy to a real actor.

9:47pm… As they showed the clip for Brokeback Mountain, Shawn said “Save a horse, ride a cowboy.” I replied “Which one is Big, which one is rich?”

9:54pm… And here comes Two Time Academy Award Nominee (which means he’ll win an honorary award in about twenty five years) John Travolta. He’s giving out Cinematography. We all picked Brokeback Mount-me. And the winner is? Memoirs of a Geisha? What? What?

9:55pm… How in the heck did Geisha win Cinematography? Its just a bunch of Asian chicks dancing in a club? Michael, responding to the camera scanning to an Asian in the crowd: “Did they just find a token Asian and point to them because Geisha won?”

9:57pm… Jamie Foxx comes out for the Best Actress Award—just know, last year’s winner for Actor gives out Actress the next year, and vice versa (hence, PS Hoffman will give out Best Actress next year). Drew picked Judi Dench, Amy picked Felicity Huffman, the rest picked Reese in Walk the Line. Felicity can steal this thing, though.

9:59pm… Please let Reese win this. Please let Reese win this. And the winner is… Reese Witherspoon. Elle just won an Oscar. Man, she looks just great. WahKeen is trying to smile… he’s trying, God love him. That was such a good movie, though… I LOVED Walk the Line.

10:02pm… She was also in Election, which was just a great movie. A definite guy movie, though.

10:05pm… Another commercial for Extreme Makeover: The Medical Edition, or something like that.

10:07pm… Here comes Dustin Hoffman, bringing out Adapted Screenplay. I picked Capote. Steph, Shawn & Mikey picked Brokeback Mounting. This is the award that will determine the winner of the Oscar Game.

10:08pm… And the award goes to… Larry McMurty for Brokeback. What sucks is, he’s the same guy who wrote Lonesome Dove, a very manly movie. And now, Steph and Shawn are the only people who can win this thing.

10:10pm… Stephanie picked Good Night, Good Luck for Original Screenplay, Shawn, Mikey & I picked Crash. Barring a crazy upset, Shawn & Steph will tie.

10:11pm… Uma Thurman, who looks like the crypt keeper, is giving out Original Screenplay now. Crash picks it up. Shawn & Steph tie. I think that Steph is going to give Shawn money for part of the $25 dollars in Rave money.

10:13pm… Now, all we can do is wait for Brokeback to win director and picture. I’m out of gay jokes. Well, that’s not true. I’ve got more, but many of them aren’t appropriate for my readers (all three of them)

10:17pm… Exchange:
Me: Everyone picked Brokeback to win.
Mikey: That’s because it will win.

10:18pm… Jon Stewart: “As I watched Brokeback win Screenplay, I thought to myself ‘I didn’t know we could wear jeans’”. (the award recipients wore jeans… you had to be there)

10:20pm… Exchange:
Steph: Don’t you just love Sense & Sensibility?
Nikki: Oh, I do
Me: I really could have married either one of you, and it wouldn’t have made much difference, I guess.

10:21pm… Ang Lee just won for Best Director for Brokeback… who taught us “aw abouw gay mens and gay womens”.

10:24pm… Here comes Jack Nicholson to give Brokeback the final award. Nikki says “He just coughed on the envelope.”

10:25pm… He’s ten years away from being Robert Altman. And for the most predictable…. HOLY CRAP….


10:27pm… Three-6 Mafia is celebrating.

10:28pm… I'd give anything to see the Brokeback guys come down the aisle, having already thought they'd won it, like Derek Zoolander coming down to the Slashie Award, even though Hansel (he’s so hot right now) won the trophy. Just turning around and seeing Lenny Kravitz shaking his head, pointing to the screen that says "Crash" on it. That would rock.

10:20pm... How the crap did Crash win Best Picture? Wow.

10:29pm… Wow.

10:31pm… Wow.

10:31pm… American Inventors? This is a new show? What?

10:31pm… And Crash just won Best Picture. Holy crap.

10:32pm… Wow. Okay… hope you enjoyed our Oscar blog for the night. I’ll be posting Tuesday about my Starbucks interview and such… Only a few surprise, but they were huge ones. I'd have to say Reese looked the best for the night (though Nicole was a close second). Good night and Good Luck.

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