Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Idol: Who Makes the Finals?

This week on Idol! The guys sing the 80s! Simon wears a grey t-shirt! Paula has about 17 barrels of sunshine and she’s not afraid to use it!! Danny Noriega is spotted at a Hernandez show!!

By the way, have you seen the latest Idol scandals? The one where D-Hern was a stripper? And the video of Danny Noriega talking about Santa Claus raping your mom, and using choice language? Its hysterical… and disturbing… and creepy. You can see it here, but its NSFW, and not safe for sensitive ears...

We’ve got 8. We’ve got to get rid of 2 more guys before the Top 12, which starts next week.

Luke Menard is up first, and honestly, this guy has to be perfect to stay on the show. And… he’s singing Wham! for his song. Just so you know, when you see “!” when I say Wham!, its not that I’m excited about George Michael and Andrew Ridgley, nor Luke Menard’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go”, its actually because the “!” was part of the band name. Its not Wham, its Wham!. I’m just sayin’.

Somewhere, Andrew Ridgely, the forgotten member of Wham! is covering his face with a blanket. Terrible. Randy says a little corny, but aight. Paula name drops George Michael, and uses 10 minutes to say absolutely, positively nothing whatsoever. Simon didn’t like it, telling him not only can he not win, he won’t make it to the Top 12. I agree. I’m sure he’s a nice guy, but Luke Menard as an American Idol will have the success of Taylor Hicks as an American Idol, and Taylor is a thousand times better.

Young David Archuleta picks “Another Day in Paradise” by Phil Collins, which is a great, great song. From the album “…But Seriously” (like Wham!, the “…” at the beginning is part of the album title), its one of Phil’s best—and the live version, from "Serious Hits… Live!” is even better.

Young David is on the piano. Homeboy is killin’ it. Wow. The song is a thousand times beyond his maturity level, and little man is doing just awesome.

Now comes the inevitable Melinda Doolittle comparisons… both are obviously the best in the group, both are very sweet and humble, both are beloved by fans and the judges… I just hope Young David doesn’t peak too soon. And the “Aw shucks” routine might get old after a while, much like it did with Mindy Doo last year. Which means Young David will be out three weeks from the end.

Randy and Paula liked it, but Simon suggested that Young David needs to bring up the gloom some, and not be depressing week after week.

Danny Noriega sings next. He’s talking about being embarrassed by falling in front of one of his crushes. I guess if he falls, and he’s backside up, then its okay? I’ll move on…

He’s singing… butchering… Soft Cell’s “Tainted Love”. I’m not afraid to admit that Danny Noriega is a slightly prettier chick than some of the girls this season. Wouldn’t he have been better doing a George Michael song? Or even a Boy George song?

I'm not gay or anything, but Danny Noriega isn't bad looking, really. He kinda gives me the creeps, though.

Randy liked it, and Paula has plenty of gay rainbows to plunge onto Danny. Simon thought it was horrible. Useless. Bad arrangement. Bad vocals. Simon is right. I’m not sure that Ryan is even comfortable with him.

David Hernandez is trying out “Its All Coming Back to Me Now”, which obviously means the very well-known Celine version is a remake, though I can’t tell you the original. I do know, however comma that the video for “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” and the video for Meat Loaf’s immortal “I Would Do Anything For Love (but I won’t do that)” are almost identical. Random thought.

After working 9 hours at Starbucks, I’m tired. I’m sore from playing tennis last night with the Croyles and KT and the Lovely Steph Leann. I say all this to say that while Hernandez is singing, I’m having trouble staying awake.

Randy liked the song choice, Paula hurls bombs of puppies and flowers, and Simon says it was decent, but not as good as last week. It sounded good, but it was boring.

Aussie Michael Johns tells the story of being dressed as a kangaroo and getting beaten up. And he’s singing “Don’t You (forget about me)” by Simple Minds, from “The Breakfast Club”, the definitive teen movie of the 80s (followed closely by "Fast Times at Ridgemont High"). Aussie Michael is making it a rock tune, and it sounds good.

Funny thing, I was actually singing this tonight while I blended frappuccinos and steamed milk for the perfect latte. Randy compared him to Michael Hutchens of INXS (whom a girl at work called Eye-In-Ex-Ess). And by the way, Randy, this song IS by Simple Minds, not Eye-In-Ex-Ess. Just so's ya know. Paula is babbling. Like, a lot. Simon liked it, but says that like a girl in the competition, he hasn’t found that perfect song and had that perfect moment just yet.

Random sidenote... as much as I like "Don't You (forget about me)", if I had to pick one Simple Minds song, I'm taking "Alive and Kicking" every day of the week and twice on Sundays. I'm just sayin'.

David Rob Thomas Cook is actually going to take on Lionel Richie’s “Hello”, known mostly for its video where the blind girl makes a bust of Lionel out of clay, but it looks like cheese. (skip ahead to about 4:40, if you can't handle the whole video) Corny times, corny times.

David Rob Thomas Cook has his guitar, and he’s strumming the ballad along. This is weird. David Roby Thomas Cook just turned one of the deepest, softest ballads of the 80s—heck, of any decade—into a rock song on the level of Nickelback or matchbox twenty (in lowercase because that’s how they spell it). And you know what?

I like it. Awesomely done.

Randy says “you made an emo version of a Lionel Richie pop song!” and called it brilliant. Paula loves him. Like anyone else that she’s talking about. Simon says it was very brave and… “I… loved it”.

Dude, that was really good. Like, really, really good. Go David Rob Thomas Cook!

The Dreadlocked One, Jason Castro, is singing Jeff Buckley’s “Hallelujahs”. This time, he’s actually without the guitar and he sounds awesome. I actually stopped typing and watching him do the whole thing… and it was brilliant. Wow, two good ones in a row! Even the end kind of went sour (and he knew it, because he half-smiled as he changed his note) it still was awesome.

Randy acknowledged how difficult the song was, and he gave him props. Paula is still talking. Paula, stop talking. For the love of Andy Murry, stop talking. Simon loved the original, and says, “it was absolutely brilliant, what you just did.” Simon says that The Dreadlocked One is getting better every week, and I agree.

And finally, its CheezyDeezy!

Holy wow… is he really going to take on Whitney Houston? He’s singing “All the Man that I Need”, though that song would be perfect for Danny Noriega, but Cheezydeezy changes it to “All the Woman that I Need”. It’s not perfect, but it’s not bad.

Really, was the a better singer in the late 80s to early 90s than pre-crack Whitney Houston? I mean, she still held that title when Mariah came onto the scene, though Whitney’s reign stopped after the Bodyguard album finally faded out. That was right about the time Mariah issued “Music Box” and “Daydream”, two incredible, pre-slut albums.

Back to Cheezydeezy, Randy liked it okay, while Paula is blithering. You can see Simon mouth the words “shut up!” He says that Cheezydeezy shouldn’t have tried that song.

KT texts me that Luke and Cheezydeezy are going home. With any luck, the Idol gods will smile upon the fanbase, and send Danny Noriega home as soon as possible… because the longer he stays in, the more like last season’s Sanjaya disaster will this show become. Good singers knocked off in favor of the novelty of an untalented singer that has slight personality, but little else.

Watching the end of show recap, I saw Danny Noriega again. I am going to go upstairs and jam stir sticks in my toenails.


Again, we are here to fire up the DVR for the ladies… little Ramy, Brooke, Simba de Vil, Hoty Kady, Syesha and more are ready to take us back to the 80s!

Let’s start by saying hi to our judges… Randy Jackson! Paula, who looks a thousand times better than she did last night, and Simon, black shirt and all. In the room, KT and The Lovely Steph Leann, ready to comment.

Asia’h Epperson
She’s only cool with curly hair, and tonight she’s cool! Taking on Whitney’s “I Wanna Dance With Someone”, one of my favorite song from my 8th grade year. KT and Steph Leann both hate her pants. Asia’h is not doing too bad, though its nothing out of the ordinary. Paula is looking goofy, standing and waving her hands. KT, stuck on the pants, comments that the lack of pockets bothers her.

Randy does some name dropping about having recorded that song with Whitney back then. He says it was hot, and then they flash to Asia’h’s friend in the audience who had crunk teeth. Paula is fluttering with clouds in my sunshine, clouds in my sunshine. Simon says “Second rate Whitney Houston,” which I can kinda agree. Steph Leann responds, “NEVER do a Whitney song. They never say good things about a Whitney song.”

Kady Malloy
For the fourth week in a row, KT can’t get over the “incorrect pronunciation” of Kady’s name. She calls her Caddy. Hoty Kady is lamenting about she stayed, and The Gap went home. Hoty Kady is singing a soft ballad that I can’t place just yet.

Sounding a bit like Rita Coolidge’s “Calm the Light”, its not. I actually don’t know the name, but I do know that Hoty Kady is doing okay. “Live Forever”, I guess is the name. Hoty Kady sounds good, but I don’t like the song. And she looks fabulous… hence Hoty Kady.

Randy comments on the song choice, and confirms that it was a Queen song. Randy says it was just pretty good, while Paula calls it Hoty Kady’s best performance. She then continues to babble, to which KT pipes up, “Ya know, that should have been all she said.”

Simon says Hoty Kady has a massive lack of personality, with a great video but not a great song with emotion. He predicts she might be in trouble—I hope not. I need a hot chick on this show, a la McPhee or Julia Damato.

Amanda Overmyer
Simba comes out, and is singing Joan Jett’s “I Hate Myself (for loving you)”. Once again, her voice just rubs me the wrong way… come on people, is this your American Idol? This is more like American Next Rocker Chick that will end up on the Surreal Life with the white guy from CHiPS and Brad Garrett’s wife in “Everybody Loves Raymond”.

I’m really trying to like her, honestly… I just can’t. I’m not fans of chicks who can beat me up. KT likes her dancing. Randy says it was well done. Paula blows sunshine, kinda repeating Randy in four times as many words. Simon says it was fantastic. Perfect song choice, and even one his favorite chick performances of this season. I guess it was okay. But I still don’t like her.

Carly Smithson
Our favorite Irish chick is coming up now. The more I hear this chick, the more I like her. Her song choice tonight was “I Drove All Night” by Cyndi Lauper, to which the Lovely Steph Leann reveals her love for the Celine Dion commercial in the Cadillac commercial. Of course, KT and the Lovely Steph Leann don’t like her pants.

If I’m being honest, I really, really like Carly Smithson. She’s growing on me like kudzu. Steph Leann then tosses out not liking the tank top, while KT just dismisses the whole outfit.

Randy loves her, Paula says she’s like a dependable dog, and is just blithering. Simon didn’t like the song choice, also mentioning the Celine version. Unlike Simba, I thought it was pretty good… like, really good. She gets tossed into my Erin Formerly-Known-As-Coates Official YE S pile.

The Lovely Steph Leann: Did you see Amanda Overmyer’s fiancée? He was like, hot…

Kristy Lee Cook
KLC is up now with Journey (The Lovely Steph Leann replies, “No one has done Bon Jovi? What is this?) KLC is taking on “Faithfully”. This might be a good idea or a bad idea…

KT says she’s pretty, Steph Leann says she sounds nasally, no comments about the pants, and I think its kinda boring. Especially that note.

Randy says that two things are near to his heart, that being dawgs and Journey. He liked the spin that KLC tossed on it, though. Paula is leaning on Simon, reaching for something. We don’t know what just happened. She even thinks it might be a hit. Simon likes the country influence, but still thinks KLC is forgettable.

KT: You know, after last night, I decided I don’t think that Jason Castro is good looking.
The Lovely Steph Leann: Really, why?
KT: Because he looks like he could be mentally retarded

Ramiele Malubay
Ryan takes a crack at how short Lil’ Ramy is. She dares take on Phil Collins immortal “Against All Odds (take a look at me now)”, which is another song that the judges almost never gives good marks on. Brave Lil’ Ramy is trying.

The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up, “I love this song. I Looooooooove this song.”

I really love the puddin’ out of Lil’ Ramy’s voice. The Lovely Steph Leann says the song was okay. KT says it was okay. Randy says it was pretty good. Paula lobs baskets of sunshine, though it takes several tosses to hit Lil’ Ramy because she’s so small. She’s talking for about 10 minutes, and I have no idea what she just said. Neither does she. Simon says it was good, but kind of old fashioned.

The Lovely Steph Leann: That song just needs to come out of the songbook! That never gets rave reviews! AND WHY DOES NO ONE SING BON JOVI?????? (she then proceeds to sing and rock out in her own special Lovely Steph Leann way). They pan to Danny Noriega, who is wearing Lil’ Ramy’s glasses.

They come back to Randy, Paula and Simon, and Paula actually uses the words “moth” and “melonball”.

Brooke White
Sitting on the edge of the stage, she’s taking on Pat Benetar’s “Love is a Battlefield”, a slowed down, acoustic version of it. I like it. I’ll admit it… Brooke White is my favorite.

KT can’t get past the fact Brooke White is a beauty school dropout, because her hair is a little unkempt. It is not an exciting performance, but I like the toned down version. Its simple, but vocally sound. To me, anyway.

Randy liked it, and calls it interesting. Paula, who choreographed the video for the song, gives her sunshine. Flowers. Birds. Puppies. Feathers. Simon thought it was original, and loved it.

KT: By the way, her hair is pretty tonight, darn it.
The Lovely Steph Leann: They could have had just one Bon Jovi song.

My favorite chick on the show has another good week, and its very pleasing. On to the Top 12!

Syesha Mercado
Another chick that I think is very, very pretty… she tells an embarrassing story about a love note in 2nd grade that went awry.

The notes start for “Saving All My Love For You” by Whitney, to which The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up, “Oh no… may day…”

Personally, I LOVE this song. Again, this is pre-crack Whitney at her finest both vocally and physically. Syesha actually does it justice… its not Whitney, but its really not bad. Actually, its pretty good.

Randy says good. Paula pushes sunshine. Simon says good. My guess is they are running out of time, because the judges take about four seconds apiece.

Which means if Syesha misses the Top 12, it might be Paula’s fault for rambling about nothing and everything all at once for minutes at a time.

My picks for being tossed? With any luck, Simba and… unfortunately either KLC or Hoty Kady. I hope Brooke stays…

My favorite chicks... Brooke, Syesha, Carly, Asia'h

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