Idol: The Top 12 Take Stage

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It’s the Top 12 on American Idol! Thaaaat’s right, we’re about 34 weeks and 498 episodes away from finding out who will go on to not sell a bunch of records! A new set, a new opening, a new farewell song, a new point on Ryan’s haircut…

THIS. Is American Idol!

Reporting live from The Cabana, The Lovely Steph Leann is here with a blanket, Jason is on the couch with his arms crossed (this isn’t his favorite show, but he didn’t want to be alone, cause he doesn’t feel good) and of course, KT is in the house, ready to make sarcastic comments, and I’m here to record them all.

Tonight , the Top 12 are performing the Lennon/McCartney song book. This means much of this night will be singers singing songs they’d never heard before last Wednesday. This also means fluffing and puffing how great Paul McCartney and John Lennon were, deservedly so… or not.

Alright, let’s get to some music!

Syesha Mercado
The black Julia Stiles, whom I find extremely attractive whereas I don’t think the white Julie Stiles is all that good looking, is singing “Got to Get You Into My Life”, from the album “Revolver”.

All of her hair is put up and leaning on the right side of her head, which makes her look like she slept up against a wall. I’m not sure really how this song is supposed to sound, but I don’t know that Syesha is doing all that great. It’s very Big Bandy sounding. I really like this chick, but I’m not digging this one. Jason said he was bored.

Randy says aight, Paula blows sunshine, but Simon surprises… “I thought it was better than alright, though you look very, very nervous.”

I grab the remote to fast forward. Steph Leann watches me, then says, “Honey. You can’t fast forward through commercials. Not when its live tv.” Shows you how used to DVR I am.

CheezyDeezy
I’ve determined this guy looks like what Oscar winner Forest Whitaker looked like when he was about thirty years younger, and had two fully open eyes. Jason responds that he looks more like a friendly Ice Cube.

CheezyDeezy used to be an airline screener, saying, “I’m the guy who used to look through baggage, feel people up, tell you can’t take your water bottle on the plane and all.”

Up now, “She’s a Woman”, and CheezyDeezy is putting an old soul, almost bluegrass feel on it, with a fiddle, tambourine and banjo. Dude… I think I really like CheezyDeezy now… before this, I could take him or leave him, but seriously, he’s doing his thang tonight. And working it out. Dawg.

Randy says he was thoroughly entertained, dope, “you smashed it!!”. Jason replieds, “Good, he got the brotha vote.” Paula is incoherent. And apparently, her voice is going through puberty. Simon is really surprised that, “I actually agree with these two.” CheezyDeezy is thrilled.

Ryan is flaking out on stage, and Steph Leann pipes up, “Perhaps he’s had some of what Paula has had tonight. And… I don’t like Ryan’s hair.”

Ramiele Malubay
Lil’ Ramy works at a sushi place, pouring soy sauce, and according to the video, without gloves. She’s singing “In My Life”. She says it’s for a close friend who left the show already, which I can only assume was for Danny Noriega. She just can’t quit him.

The entire audience has their hands up, and are waving in sync. I’m expecting to see a candle or lighter. Lil’ Ramy is doing the song justice, and its actually not as boring as I thought it would be when it started out. Jason’s bored, though, as he just attempted to drink battery acid.

Randy says it was, “Kinda pretty, but kinda pretty boring…” while Paula tosses American Idol sized puppies and butterflies. Anytime she starts with “You look (insert positive visual adjective here) tonight,” it’s not a good thing. Simon says he was bored to tears.

Jason Castro
The Dreadlocked One is from Texas, and in his video, he has small gnats swirling around his dreads. Its rather funny. He looks like he walked straight out of “Dazed and Confused”.

“If I Fell” is the song for The Dreadlocked One, who is starting out with guitar. It’s a good song, but unlike “Hallelujahs” last week (which was also a slow song, but exceptional), this one is just so-so. And like last week, he flakes out on an ending note, which again, his face gives him away.

KT still says, “He’s mentally retarded.”

Randy liked it, but didn’t love it, he probably doesn’t want some more of it. Paula shovels sunshine across the face of The Dreadlocked One. Simon says, “It felt a little student-in-a-bedroom-at-midnight, if I’m being honest.” He says that The Dreadlocked One can’t keep doing this guitar ballad thing week after week, which I agree.

Jason: He has a striking resemblance to John Travolta

Carly Smithson
Jason, KT and myself all agree… Carly would be pretty, but the arm full of tats kill it. Of course, Jason adds, “What also kills it for me? Her face.”

Actually… I think she’s kinda pretty. In a Jennifer Herndon sort of way.

She’ll be singing, “Come Together”, one of her favorite songs. She’s doing it right, though, I’ll have to admit it. Dare I say, she’s making it kinda sexy… in a Jennifer Herndon sort of way. I can honestly say I’ve never ever said “sexy” and “Jennifer Herndon” in the same sentence. “Sexy” and “Beverly Day”, a mutual friend, maybe. Wait, where was I?

KT liked it. Steph Leann half smiles. Jason searches for something sarcastic to say. I liked it quite a bit. Randy loved it. Paula gives her deserved sunshine blows. Simon says, “Week after week, you’ve chosen the wrong song… until now. That was resembling what Kelly Clarkson did six years ago.”

David Cook
Okay, so my two favorite Beatles songs: “Eleanor Rigby” and “Penny Lane”, with the former being my very favorite, and the latter being close behind. And honestly, I’m not a huge Beatles fan. There. I said it. I appreciate what they did for music, and the footprint they left in music, but seriously, I’ve never been a big fan of all their stuff.

KT: I thought he was cute, until recently
Jason: Until I saw his fingernails.

David Rob Thomas Cook comes out, singing another song from “Revolver”, this one being “Eleanor Rigby”. As stated, my favorite Beatles song. So, DRTC, don’t screw it up.

He actually sounds like he could be Dave Grohl, or the lead singer of Collective Soul, or maybe Gavin Rossdale… and that’s a good thing. While the song didn’t blow me away, David Rob Thomas Cook has a great voice.

Randy says that DRTC can rock out, baby, can rock out. Paula hits on David Rob Thomas Cook, tossing her room keys. Simon thought it was brilliant.

Brooke White
My Next American Idol Brooke White is coming up now… and I’m really hoping she does well. The Lovely Steph Leann shrieks in joy when she finds out My Next American Idol Brooke White is singing “Let It Be”. While not a Bon Jovi song, it still thrills the Lovely Steph Leann nonetheless.

At the piano, My Next American Idol Brooke White is nailing it. And unlike The Dreadlocked One and Lil’ Ramy, My Next American Idol Brooke White is doing the ballad justice, and not making boring. Frankly, I love this chick.

The Lovely Steph Leann says, “Cool beans!”, while KT wipes tears. She hated it, but still. Jason sits silent, looking for something smarmy to say.

Randy liked it quite a bit. Paula uses words like “niche”, “heart”, “connection”, “kittens” and “happiness”. Simon says it was one of the best performances of the night. My Next American Idol Brooke White has tears in her eyes. Go My Next American Idol Brooke White! She’s not even wearing shoes! I love it!

David Hernandez
One of the least interesting personalities on the show turns out to be a former stripper at a gay club. Dave the Stripper is singing “I Saw Him Standing There”. He says he’s going to work the stage and have fun. Perhaps there would be a pole there. If I’m Dave the Stripper, I’d totally ask for one, and give Simon, Randy and Paula singles just to get me in the zone.

Dave the Stripper is not doing the song very well, and seriously, he’s boring now. I actually prefer the Tiffany version from like, 1989. That spent a few weeks atop my Dave’s Favorite Song Mental Chart, before I got bored with it.

Randy thought it was overdone. Too much going on. Paula is spluttering. I think she might ask for a dance, actually. She also says he overdid it, but then throws out sunshine. Simon says “no” three times, saying “corny, verging on desperate.” Dave the Stripper might actually be in danger… Ryan even says, “Dave the Stripper, I know you had a rough week this past week… “ and when Dave the Stripper answers, Ryan turns immediately to the camera, saying, “If you want to vote for Dave the Stripper…”, with a “Yeah, whatever, I don’t care”.

Amanda Overmyer
Finally, Simba cracks a smile! She might actually win me over, maybe. It’s possible. She talks about being a biker chick, in a biker family, and being a rough and tumble chick.

“You Can’t Do That” is the song choice tonight. She’s been singing for about 30 seconds, and the only words I’ve been able to make are “you” “do” “can’t” and “that”, not necessarily in that order. Simba screams a lot.

Randy loves Simba. “You brought it and rocked it like a Southern bar!”. Paula is exploding with clouds and cutesy bootsies. Simon didn’t think it was all that great, saying that he only understood about 30% of what Simba was saying.

Jason: All her songs sound alike. Like Gretchen Wilson.

I agree.

Michael Johns
Crocomichael Johndee is not only a singer, but a tennis coach. A teacher. A lover and a fighter. Aussie Michael says, “I first discovered Lennon McCartney when I was 10.” Jason replies, “I think he thinks that Lennon McCartney is one person.”

“Across the Universe” is the song tonight. Aussie Michael actually does kind of remind me of Michael Hutchens, though KT says Aussie Michael sounds like Eddie Vedder. Jason corrects her and says, “He is trying to sound like Eddie. Don’t ever think he sounds like Eddie.

By the way, to Jason and KT, Eddie Vedder is not the lead in a band that takes themselves way too seriously and peaked after two albums, but in actuality is the lead in Heaven’s rock band.

Randy says it was a little sleepy and was just aight. Paula disagrees, using words like “inner strength” and “confidence” and “connected”. Last week, we played an Idol drinking game. Every time Paula says “emotion” and “connected”, we took a shot. Jason relapsed into a coma, KT was arrested for DUI, The Lovely Steph Leann has liver disease and I’m still hungover.

Oh, and Simon didn’t like it, either.

Kristy Lee Cook
KLC is changing up “Eight Days A Week” into a country type song. She says that Simon challenged her to take risks, so we’ll see. Jason groans, saying this is something KT would do.

Ya know, honestly… its not as bad as I thought it would be. Its not great, but its not too bad. KT thinks its awesome, Jason thinks its miserable, and The Lovely Steph Leann sits amused. It kind of reminds me of Hayseed Dixie, a local bluegrass band who takes rock songs and turns them into bluegrass tunes. Only, they were better.

Randy is struggling for words, sorta liking it, sorta not. Paula is actually silent. And not even a “You look beautiful tonight” to lead it off! She says, “You can’t take what we say truly to heart,” meaning “Please don’t listen to what we say.”

Simon said it was “Dolly Parton on helium. Its good to take risks, but not that one.”

It might have worked a little better if it were slowed down. Maybe.

David Archuleta
Young David is about to sing, to which KT clapped out loud. Singing “We Can Work It Out”, he admits in his video he’s stressed out. Jason thinks he might work well on “Idol Pre-School’, and I…

Holy crap. Young David forgot the words. And then did it again.

The joy from his singing that is normally there is completely gone… he knows he flubbed on the biggest audition stage in America. Young David, the one loved by millions, forgot the words to the song.

Randy says this week was not his vibe. Of course its not Young David’s vibe… holy crap, these songs are twenty years old than him!! Paula loves him anyway. Simon says, “That was a mess. Twelve people, all wanting to win, and that was a total mess.”

Young David finally shows a weakness. I still contend he’s not going to win this thing, he’ll end up fourth. Perhaps third.

My top three tonight? 1) CheezyDeezy; 2) My Next American Idol Brooke White; and 3) David Rob Thomas Cook.

My bottom three? 10) KLC; 11) Dave the Stripper; and 12) Lil' Ramy. I think that KLC will last one more week, perhaps only one more week, and we'll see Lil' Ramy go home.