Jermaine's Big Toss

We lost Big Daddy Jermaine on the previous episode.  But we will lose one more tonight.  And tonight is a pivotal episode because the survivors of the cuts go on The American Idol Summer Tour. 

THIS IS

AMERICAN

IDOL'S TOP TEN

Seacrusty shows us the Top 11, all seated on the Couch of Anxiety, in which the survivors will go the Silver Stools of Safety. 

We see a video of Tommy Hilfiger, who will be the "image designer of Idol". 

Fast forward through Tommy Hilfiger.

Fast forward through commercial break.

Fast forward through the Ford Music Video

And we are back!  Seacrusty calls up Phillip2, Elise Testosterone, Joshua Ledet and Little Skylar Laine.  I feel like you just don't want to be in a group with Joshua Ledet or Little Sky... and maybe Phillip2.  I think this is bad for E-Test.

Dim the lights... here we go.  After the nationwide vote... Joshua Ledet heads to the summer tour and the Silver Stools of Safety.  After the vote... Phillip2 is also safe.  Which means that E-Test will be in the Bottom Three, because we know it ain't Little Skylar Laine.  After the vote... yes, its Elise Testosterone, going to the Silver Stools of Suck.

Fast forward through commercial break.

Fast forward through Demi Lovato's song.

And we are back!  Colton... Shannon Magrane... J-Sanch... and D'Kenny G are up.  I would imagine that Colton Dixon would be safe, and that J-Sanch will have enough Idol cred after last week to get to the Summer Tour.  One can only hope that D'Kenny G will just get shot in a drive-by.  Poor Shannon Magrane.

Dim the lights... here we go.  First, its Colton, and he gets a pass to The Silver Stools of Safety, after Seacrusty tries to fake us out.  You faker!  D'Kenny G gets call, then Seacrusty goes to J-Sanch to the Stools of Safety.  Then, we have Shannon Magrane, and back to D'Kenny G.  After the nationwide vote, D'Kenny G is safe.  Suck it.  Shannon Magrane goes to The Silver Stools of Suck.

The Lovely Steph Leann grumbles, "Stupid people vote for losers."

Fast foward through commercial break.

Fast forward through Daughtry

Fast forward though another commerical break.

Dim the lights... here we go.  Now, its EVP, Hee Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better), and Hollie Cav.  I can't imagine Hollie Cav going to the Silver Stools of Suck, so it will be between Shannon Magrane and Hee Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better).  After the nationwide vote... Hollie Cav is SAFE!  After the nationwide vote... EVP is in the Bottom Three, and heads to the Silver Stools of Suck.  Hee Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better) gets a spot on the Summer Tour, and will go to the Silver Stools of Safety.

J-Lo says that the Bottom Three isn't good this week, because Elise Testosterone nailed it last night.  Creepy Uncle Steven Tyler says the same.   Lucky for all of us, Seacrusty sends E-Test back to the Silver Stools of Safety.

The Lovely Steph Leann is saying things like "darn it!" and "stupid teenagers voting for spaghetti head!"

Fast forward through commerical break

And we're back!  Now, we've got EVP and Shannon Magrane, one will go to the Silver Stools of Safety and the Summer Tour, and the other will go home.  Dim the lights... here we go.  After the nationwide vote... the person going on tour is... Erika Van Pelt.

Shannon Magrane will sing for her life, and apparently there is The Judges Save that has been reinstated, maybe because the loss of Big Daddy Jermaine gave the show an extra week.  Perhaps we'll call this the Jessica Sanchez Memorial Save.

And even with her singing, there is no way in Hades and back that the judges will use their save up this early in the season.  No stinkin' way. 

Randy the Dawg confirms it quickly.  Shannon Magrane goes home. 

And I'm going to bed.

A Night of Whitney Wonders

So here we are... its early March, and what we've been waiting for has finally arrived... its the Idol Finals... the Live Shows... The Top Thirteen.  The Lucky Thirteen, as they say.

Tonight, the guys take on a monumental task... songs of the legendary Stevie Wonder, perhaps the greatest living blind guy right now.  (Sorry Mickey Gilley and Ronnie Milsap).  The girls?  Even harder now... the music of the Late Whitney Houston.  I look forward to this night, as it will allow me to dish on Whitney a little. 

Anyone who has read me enough knows that I love Pre-Crack Whitney, an era defined from her beginnings in 1985-86 to time around 1996 when "The Preacher's Wife" was released, both movie and soundtrack.  Truly, she was probably Mid-Crack then, as her relationship with Bobby Brown was in its 5th or 6th year, but it was what I consider her last great, solid work.  Well, okay, I consider "The Bodyguard" in 1992 to be her last great work, but "The Preacher's Wife" was pretty good music too.

And so now, we begin the 12 week trek to find either the next Carrie Underwood, the next Lee DeWyze, or the next Somewhere in Between. 

THIS IS

AMERICAN

IDOL

Tonight, Ryan Seacrusty tells us that this marks American Idol's FOUR HUNDREDTH EPISODE... which is pretty good, I must say.  Does it make me a dork to say that I know WWE Raw is on episode 957?  Just wondering.

Seacrusty tells us about the Stevie/Whitney dynamic, then tells us, "Because of this, we will reveal the Bottom Guy and the Bottom Girl, and the judges will decide who stays and who goes."  Interesting...

Joshua Lidet bats lead-off, with "I Wish" for the City", and helping out is not only Jimmy Iovine (Eye-veen), but also R&B Supa-Dupa Stah Mary J. Blige.  Note:  One of my Top 50 songs of all time is Mary J.'s "Real Love" from 1992ish.  Would go on my Samson High School Soundtrack if I had one.  Maybe I should make one. 

Back to Joshua... he's bringing it.  I can dig it.  Randy the Dawg says, "You just blew it out!  Yo!  Dawg!  Yo!"  And what the heck is that broach on Randy the Dawg's lapel?  J-Lo loved it.  Creepy Uncle Steven Tyler loved it.

Elise Testosterone wants to sing "The Greatest Love of All", but Jimmy Iovine and Mary J. tells her NO.  She can't be singing that song.  They then push "I'm Your Baby Tonight", which is my favorite Whitney song of all time.  Of course, it doesn't help that she says she'd never heard to song before.  Wait... what?  Are they trying to get rid of my dear E-Test off the bat? 

She sounds good, but she really doesn't sound like she really loves that song.  I do love her voice, though.  J-Lo says what I just said, that being she didn't feel a connection to the song.  Of course not, J-Lo... this isn't even what she wanted!  Creepy Uncle Steven and Randy the Dawg says the same.

This guy made a 91 after spending 6 weeks in the bathroom

Big Daddy Jermaine is up next, and going to sing "Knocks Me Off My Feet", a Stevie song that I really don't know very well.  I almost feel that Jermaine should just sing Luther songs all the time, every week.  No matter the theme.  50's songs?  Luther.  70's songs?  Luther.  Songs on the Pop Charts right now? Luther.  Have you seen this guy?  Are you going to tell him no? 

He kind of reminds me of the big dude in "Summer School" who went to the bathroom and spent six weeks there ("my zipper got stuck", he tells Mr. Shoop, played by Mark Harmon) and still scored the highest on the placement test.  I have to think about stuff like this to keep me from falling asleep because it ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Creepy Uncle Stevie loved it.  J-Lo loved it.  Randy the Dawg loved it. 

Along the lines of songs I'm not familiar with, its Erika Van Pelt doing "I Believe In You and Me", a Whitney song I don't know much about.  I dig me some EVP, truly.  She's funny and she's fun, and she's just cute enough to be cute, but not overly cute that she's not cute.  You follow me?  Good.

Mary J. tells EVP her tone is like a "steak and potatoes dinner, not celery".  They advise her to NOT try and sing like Whitney, but use her rasp and do her own style.   As she starts singing, I do recognize this song... its from "The Preacher's Wife".  This quite possibly was Whitney's last good song ever. 

EVP hits the big part of the song, and does it with wonderful restraint.  You down with EVP?  Yeah, you know me!

Randy the Dawg loved her "unbelievable tone".  J-Lo gushes.  Creepy Uncle Steven Tyler says, "it was perfect!"  We all be down with EVP.

By the way, Seacrusty says, "You have a new nickname... EVP!"  I look at The Lovely Steph Leann and say, "Ha!  I started that!  They read the blog!" and she quickly lets me know, "No, they didn't."  Thanks dear.  Frowny face.

Yup.  I own this.  Kids, this is called a "Cah-Set Tape"

Here comes Colton Dixon, doing one of my favorites, "Lately".  Full disclosure, though... I strongly prefer Jodeci's version from circa 1992, though Stevie's is pretty good too.  I even own the cassette single! 

I would have been interested in hearing Daughtry do this song a few years back too, as Colton is the most Daughtry-esque Idol we have this year.  Colton is really doing well, too... and for those of you who watched the show, his background video is distracting.  I have a new laptop, and it looks like a new-age screen saver that I have the option to download (but refused) from Microsoft's website.

Creepy Uncle Stevie says, "Outstanding!"... J-Lo says, "Great!"... Randy the Dawg says, "Yo!" and then says "wasn't pitch perfect" and then says, "the end, flawless."  I agree. 

Its Shannon Magrane!  And she says, "I'll be singing 'I Have Nothing'", and my reaction immediately is "Oooh..."  I almost feel like singing Whitney songs is hard enough... but there are a few "untouchables" from her that you just don't even try unless you know beyond a shadow of a doubt you can blow it out... not just try your best, but own that sum-gun... "I Will Always Love You" and this one come to mind immediately.

And I'll tell you first, I really like Shannon Magrane... I think she's cute, she's bubbly, and she's got a great voice.  But she just proved my point above.  She didn't blow it out, she barely made it through. 

J-Lo tells her that "you're capable of doing it... but you need to relax".  Creepy Uncle Steven says, "Your nerves got the best of you."  Randy the Dawg concurs.  I don't agree.  I just think that song is way, way, waaaay too big for her.  Its an Untouchable. 

Leave it to my least favorite Idol, D'Kenny G, to sing one of my least favorite Stevie songs, "Master Blaster".  And he's doing a version in one of my least favorite styles of music, reggae.  I just threw up in my mouth.  The Lovely Steph Leann says, "its bad all around." 

No joke.  Or, hopefully this is a joke.  This is terrible.  I want this kid to go home so, so badly. 

I'm also a little iffy on the whole "judges pick a wild-card to join the contest" thing... I mean, its up to the voters by the semis, right?  So why put in Idols the people didn't want, as judged by their votes?  And what if one of these cats win the whole thing?  An Idol that people didn't want who goes on to win it?  Its like that season of Survivor where they had an Outcast Tribe, made up of Lil and Eric Bana, and others that were voted out... and Lil almost won the whole thing!? 

And of course, all the judges dug the fool out of it.  Suck.

Country girl Skylar Laine is doing something smart with her Whitney song, "Where Do Broken Hearts Go", a song that is known, but not one that people immediately think of when they think of Whitney music.   And this works perfectly.

She's doing a version that I quite literally could imagine hearing on 104.7 WZZK right now.   She's not my #1 favorite, and this isn't necessarily my favorite performance of the night, but this is the best sung song of the night so far. 

J-Lo should be gushing over her, and does.  "Biggest moment of the night."  Creepy Uncle Steven says, "That was a thing of beauty."  Randy the Dawg says, "What I love is you are a country girl, but you just proved that you can sing any song." 

And here comes Hee Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better).  I just see this guy and he makes me laugh.  He's doing another more obscure Stevie song, "All is Fair in Love".  Mary J. says, "He caught me off guard--I didn't expect Hee Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better) to sound like that!"  He then wins over Jimmy Iovene and Mary J. by handing them autographed pictures of himself.  Jimmy's says, "Jimmy Ivene, I love you!' and Mary J's says, "Mary J, I love you more than Jimmy!" This guy cracks me up.

And that helps, because while sung well, the song is sorta boring.  And the judges loved the poop outtat this kid.  Rightly so.  Randy the Dawg even said, "It wasn't perfect... but it was really good."

Tiny little Hollie Cav is doing a borderline Untouchable, that being Whitney's "All the Man That I Need", one of my Top Ten favorite Whitney songs ever.   And I feel like, we are obliged to like Hollie Cav, cause she's so darn nice.  She's also a prime example of how good professional hair and make-up people can make you look, cause she's just cutesy patootsy in her mentoring with Mary J. and Jimmy Iovine, but onstage, she's almost hot.  Almost.  She's not Bayley Brown! mind you... oh, Bayley Brown!, you coulda been a contenda.

I'm a little scared of that ring she's got on, though--it's like, her Planet Krypton High School class ring.  The judges just loved her, and rightly so.

Long live Baylie Brown!

So, Jeremy Risotto is called "Jer-Bear" by J-Lo?  Gag me with a dirty spoon.  Now, unlike D'Kenny G, I like Jeremy Risotto.  I do.  Seems like a good kid.  However, like D'Kenny G, I'm not a fan.  Its not that Jeremy is bad, he's got some talent, he's just not as good as some of the others that could have been picked... Reed Grimm?  Hallie Day?  Baylie Brown!? 

Jeremy is doing "Ribbon in the Sky" and for the second time tonight, I'm borZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

(yawn... stretch... smack lips to get rid of sleepy breath...)

Who's next?

So, I'm hearing a ton about Jessica Sanchez... and she's doing an Untouchable.  When it comes to Whitney, perhaps THE Untouchable, "I Will Always Love You."  This has to be perfect, because every. single. note. will be compared to the immortal original.

Remember what I said earlier?  You don't pick a song without knowing you can blow it out? 

Holy crap.

That might have been one of the greatest Whitney cover songs ever on American Idol.  That also might have been one of the top ten greatest Idol songs ever. 

Holy flippin' crap. 

She just made that song her... well, she owned it. 

J-Lo is openly weeping, though that might be because she just saw her horrid "Got the Music In Me" commercial.  Randy the Dawg just exploded.  Creepy Uncle Steven is in awe. 

And finally, here's the guy who has to follow this... Phillip2.  He's going to attempt a much-attempted Stevie song, "Superstition", probably one of my top five Stevie songs.  Phillip Phillips, or Davematthews Davematthews Jr as EW calls him, is one of those that is going to make this song all his own.

And he does that very thing... its a rocking, raspy, eat the mic, jazzy, guitar fueled version, and it really is different enough to successfully follow J-Sanch's perfection just a few moments before.  If Shannon Magrane had followed J-Sanch with her "I Have Nothing", I'm afraid the judges would have just asked her to leave right then and there.

And the judges harp on the whole "you are so different" and "you have your own style" kind of thing. 

Best to worst:  There is J-Sanch's "I Will Always Love You"

Then there is everyone else... EVP's "I Believe In You and Me"... Skylar Laine's "Where Do Broken Hearts Go"... Hollie Cav's "All The Man That I Need"... Colton Dixon's "Lately"... Joshua Lidet's "I Wish"... Phillip2's "Superstition"... Hee Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better)'s "All is Fair in Love"...  Elise Testosterone's "I'm Your Baby Tonight"... Big Daddy Jermaine's "Knocks Me Off My Feet"... Shannon Magrane, "I Have Nothing"... Jeremy Risotto's "Ribbon in the Sky"... and finally, that crap from D'Kenny G

Who goes home?  Either Shannon Magrane or Jeremy Risotto, and they save Jeremy.  Unfortunately.  That's my opinion, anyway.

And the results?  Well, keep reading...

The Whitney Wonder Results

Well, four minutes ago, we finished the Idol performance show.  And now, we an hour to give us three minutes worth of results. 

The Lovely Steph Leann has her finger on the "right arrow" button, ready to fast forward through all the crap.  We get a quick video flash of what we just saw, and teased us on who might go home.

One guy... one girl... one night... the judges decide.

THIS IS

THE FIRST

AMERICAN

IDOL

ELIMINATION SHOW

EPISODE

OF THE

SEASON

NOT COUNTING THE SEMIS

SHOW

Seacrusty tells us that America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina is here to sing, as with Supa Dupa Stah Mary J. Blige, which I'm sure we'll fast forward through both.

The group song... fast forward

Commercial break.. fast forward

Ford Music Video... fast forward

I'm very proud that I haven't actually seen a Ford Music Video in about four seasons.   Let's see if we can keep that streak up this season. 

And let's do the results... J-Sanch... Hollie Cav... and Elise Testosterone are up first.  And from this group, its pretty easy to predict that Elise Testosterone is in the Bottom Three.   And Jimmy Iovine, via video clip, says about Elise, "This wasn't her song tonight..."  Uh, how about you and Mary J. forced that song on her?  Is that even fair?  Wouldn't it be better for her to pick the song and then crash and burn, rather than crashing and burning on a song you don't even know? 

Dim the lights!  Here we go!  America has decided that J-Sanch is safe, and heads to the Couch of Comfort.  After the nationwide vote, Elise Testosterone heads to the Silver Stools of Failure, the first chick in the Bottom Three Girls.

Now, its Big Daddy Jermaine, Colton and Hee Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better).  My prediction?  Big Daddy Jermaine is in the Bottom Three. 

Dim the lights!  Here we go!  America has decided that Colton is safe, and he heads to the Couch of Comfort.  After the nationwide vote, Big Daddy Jermaine heads to the Silver Stools of Failure, the first dude in the Bottom Three Guys. 

Commercial break... fast forward

America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina sings... The Lovely Steph Leann wants to see it. 

But finally... fast forward

Commercial break... fast forward

Now we are back... Shannon Magrane is up, with Skylar Laine and EVP.  From this group, I'm predicting two of these in the Bottom Three Chicks, and I'm guessing Shannon Magrane and EVP.

Dim the lights!  Here we go!  America has decided that Skylar Laine is safe, and she heads to the Couch of Comfort.  After the nationwide vote, Shannon Magrane and EVP head to the Silver Stools of Failure, the next two in the Bottom Three Girls.   (by the way, I just typed the last two paragraphs before Seacrusty gave the results--and I was spot on.)

The guys again... D'Kenny G... Joshua.. Phillip2 and Jeremy Risotto are the guys left.  Two in the Bottom Three.  My predictions?  Joshua and Phillip2 are safe.

Dim the lights!  Here we go!  America has decided that Phillip2 and D'Kenny G are safe, and they head to the Couch of Comfort.  After the nationwide vote, Jeremy Risotto and Joshua Lidet go to the Silver Stools of Failure. 

Then Seacrusty fulls a fast one, telling Joshua and EVP quickly they are safe.  Oh, that Seacrusty!

Commercial Break... fast forward

Mary J. Blige sings... fast forward

Commercial Break... fast forward

Its been a while... so, for no other reason than its my blog,
and I can... its Pickles!!!

And now, here we are, with Big Daddy Jermiane, Elise Testosterone, Shannon Magrane and Jeremy Risotto, with one of these four going home.  Seacrusty asks Creepy Uncle Steven if any one of these deserve to go home, and he quickly says, "Jeremy".  I like the honesty.

Dim the lights!  Here we go!  Seacrusty walks to Big Daddy Jermaine and says he's safe.  Then he tells Shannon Magrane she's safe for another week.

So now, Elise Testosterone and Jeremy Risotto, the bottom girl and bottom guy... Randy the Dawg says that America kinda got it right, probably.

Commerical break... fast forward

The judges have conferred, and J-Lo has to give the decision.  They have decided to save Elise Testosterone, and we say goodbye to Jeremy Risotto, J-Lo's "wild card" pick.  And Seacrusty has already said this was the only time any Idol will be saved from elimination, so there it is.

Once again, I feel like Jeremy shouldn't be there.  Maybe it was better than The Welfare Justin Timberlake, who knows. 

Bring back Baylie Brown!

Just Another Sad Love Song Part Two

You can read Part One right here

Holy cow... I was flipping through the blog page, and realized I never finished this list, did I?  As my friend Dixon Brock would say, "I just want you to finish a (mild expletive deleted) list!"  So, here's Part Two of the Ten Saddest Songs, Like Ever Ever.

(10)... "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart" by Al Green
"How can you mend this broken man... how can a loser ever win?  Somebody please help me mend my broken heart, and let me live again..."

Such an easy song, really.  Right from the intro, with its slow, melodic piano, you know you are in for a world of hurt.  The Rev'rn Al Green begins and just rips your heart out, asking the hard questions, like "How exactly can you heal after being dropped like a bad habit?"  Questions like, "How in the world do you get over being played like a 50s record?"  Or even, "How many euphemisms can I use to prove my already proven point?"

Originally recorded by The Bee Gees in 1971, Rev'rn Green's version was done a year later, and much better.  I actually discovered this song from the excellent, yet much sadness abounding, soundtrack to one of my top 20 films of all time, "Notting Hill".

(9)... "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt
"I cant make you love me if you don't.  You can't make your heart feel something it won't.  Here in the dark, in these final hours, I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power, but you won't.  No, you won't..."

From the amazing album "Luck of the Draw", this song is probably Raitt's signature song.  Essentially, its a lament about finally admitting, "Hey, I love you.  But I know now you don't love me, and I can't make it happen."  Such true words, eh?

Written in 1991 by a couple of dudes named Mike Reid and Allen Shamblin, the inspiration derived from a newspaper article that Reid stumbled across, concerning a court case where a guy got drunk and shot up the car of the chick who dumped him.  The man stood before the judge, who simply asked him if he'd learned anything, and the man replied, "Yeah, you can't make a girl love you if she don't."  Rolling Stone listed this at #331 on their 500 Greatest Songs of All Time, while Mojo Magazine ranked it as high at #8.

Full disclosure, this isn't one of my favorite songs.  I appreciate it enough to probably rank it among the 500 songs that I would consider "The Best Songs Ever", and I like it well enough, but if I did a list of 500 songs that I considered not necessarily the best, but actually my favorites, I'm not sure it would rank on the list.  However, this countdown is a list of the Saddest Songs Ever, not d$'s Favorite Songs Ever, and it does deserve this high of a ranking here.

Bonnie, if its any consolation, your tune "Not the Only One" has ranked as my fourth favorite song of all time for a decade--and "Nick of Time" is in the Top 50.  So there.

(8)... "One Last Cry" by Brian McKnight
"My shattered dreams and broken hearts, still mending on the shelf.  I saw you, holding hands, standing close to someone else.  Now I sit all alone, wishing all my feelings were gone... gotta get over you, nothing for me to do.. but have one last cry..."

What?  In love with a chick, but not only does she not love you (anymore?), but you have to stand there and watch her hold hands with another dude?  Watch her get cozy with some loser who ain't you?  Holy crap, stick a sharpened bamboo rod between my fingers and burn me with bad whiskey.  No joke.  I do like the fact that the singer is essentially saying, "Enough... I've cried enough.  So I'm giving this chick on more cry, one LAST cry before I move on."  But you kinda get the sense that tomorrow with be another last cry.  And the next day is one more last cry.  And so it goes.

Brian McKnight went on to have some bigger success, most notably with his signature song "Back At One", which my buddy Mikey liked to call "1-2-3-4", though I corrected him by telling him that "1-2-3-4" is a song by Feist, while "1-2-3" is actually by Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine, but "Back at One" is McKnight.  He had no clue.

Here's what I wrote on the original list in 2006:   Maybe this is just here because as I sat all alone, I saw Allison Hodnett standing very close to John Glasscock, holding hands at the Troy weekly movie, one day after she asked ME to the movie, then promptly stood me up. Hey, it was in 1994, but it still sucked. okay, I wasn't all alone, I think I went with Michelle Dudley, but still. 

(7)... "Here We Are" by Gloria Estefan
"And no one knows whats going on inside, and all the love I feel for you is something I should hide... when I have you close to me, the feeling's so sublime... but there's nothing I can do... to keep from loving you."

Featured on "Cuts Both Ways" and sans the Sound Machine, Estefan belts out one of the true love songs of the ages.  A little underrated, and underlistenedto (is that a word?  it is now...), its by far and away my favorite of her many great tunes.  Its a little reminscent of the #12th saddest song ever, "I'll Be Okay", in that this chick is in love with her best friend, but in this case, I think he likes her too.

So, its a happy song about two people who dig each other right? Oh nay!  Nay nay!


Maybe they were making it work, but for some reason, it ain't working now.  "Here we are once again, but this time we're only friends.  Funny words, sometimes lies, become the game when loves the prize..."  So is it better to have never known what it was like to be loved by the one you want, or to have loved and now you are without, knowing what you missed?  A question that perhaps deserves an answer, but will likely never have one.  Sad.

(6)... "King of Pain" by The Police, as performed unplugged by Alanis Morissette
"I have stood here before inside the pouring rain, with the world turning circles running round my brain, I guess I'll always hope that you'll end this reign, but its my destiny to be the king of pain..."

Dark, complicated, sad... three words to describe this song.  Using random terms like "salmon frozen in a waterfall" and "blind men looking for a shadow of doubt", the only real lyric you need is "I'll always hope that you'll end this reign, but its my destiny to be the king of pain."  Meaning "I'm hopeful that you'll love me too, but its fairly apparent I'm going to be in pain because of you.  Such pain, I am the King of all those in pain.  That much pain.  Darn you, woman."

Yes, yes, The Police are usually solid, and typical reinterpretations of their music aren't as good (see: Daddy, Puff with "I'll Be Missing You"--good song, not as good as "Every Breath You Take"), but when Alanis Morissette tackled this on her live unplugged concert for MTV, it was awesome.

I'll be honest... Sting likes to write songs that are complicated.  Instead of just saying what he means, he likes to use metaphors and alliteration and other fancy Englishy terms to get his point across.  For what end?  He said himself, "I conjured up symbols of pain and related them to my soul.  A black spot on the sun struck me as being a very painful image."

In fact, Sting--or Gordon Sumner--was an English teacher in a former life, which might explain his expressions and use of such language in his songs.  Matter of fact, I randomly looked up the phrase "a skeleton choking on a crust of bread", and discovered:  In medieval England, when an individual was accused of a crime, he or she was given a piece of cheese and consecrated bread to eat to prove guilt or innocence. If the individual was guilty, he would choke on the bread when the Angel Gabriel came down from Heaven to stop his or her throat.  Thus the oath many would utter was, "May I choke if this is not true." 

And the line "There's a king on a throne with his eyes torn out..." -- could that be an Oedipus reference?  And the line, "There's a rich man sleeping on a golden bed..." -- a King Midas reference?  And did I spend way too much time thinking about this?  Yes.  Yes I did.

Don't even get me started on "Fortress of Your Heart"... "and if I built this fortress around your heart, encircled it with trenches and barbed wire... let me build a bridge, for I cannot fill this chasm, let me set the battlements on fire..."  What?  Who uses the word "chasm" in a song?  What the...?

Where was I?  Oh yeah... well, I'll finish this soon enough.  Then, I'll knock out that list of the 100 Coolest Things of 2011, hopefully by November.  I promise.  Keep checking back.

The Idol Top Thirteen Revealed

I always say, concerning me and my proclivity to be long winded when I talk and write, "Why use 1000 words when 5000 words will do?"  For Idol, I always feel like, "Why take 30 minutes when 120 minutes will do?" 

They are giving us a two hour spectacular to reveal The Top Five Chicks and Top Five Guys, in terms of votes, and the three Wild Card Picks, with one per judge. 

Now, to refresh, I picked Elise Testosterone, J-Sanch, Hollie Cav, Jen Hirsh and Skylar Laine to make the chicks side, and for the boys, Phillip2, Colton Dixon, Joshua Lidet, Hey Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better) and Reed Grimm... my three wild card selections are: The Welfare Justin Timberlake... Brielle Von Hugel and EVP.

Chicks on one side, dudes on the other, small stage, Seacrusty in the middle, telling us that 33.4 billion votes, just in Rhode Island, were cast.  Let's do this...

THIS IS THE

AMERICAN IDOL

SELECTIONS SHOW

First, Chase Likens, Jeremy Risotto and Phillip2 come up together.  We now see a video recap of their performances from the other night, plus a word from mega-producer Jimmy Iovine.  And Jimmy says that Chase isn't fresh, and Jeremy doesn't have what it takes to cut it, but for Phillip2, he says, "We need originality, and Phillip2 has that!"

DIM THE LIGHTS!!  Here we go!!!

After the nationwide vote, Jeremy Risotto has not made the Top Ten.  After the nationwide vote, Chase is also not in the Top Ten... Phillip2 goes over and becomes the first to sit in the Silver Stools of Security this Season.

And its time for the ladies!  J-Sanch, Hallie Day, Brielle Von Hugel and Hollie Cav now come on up.  Jimmy says, "Little girl, big voice, especially with the right material" about Hollie Cav.  For Brielle Von Hugel, he says she's got real charisma, but her old song selection will hurt her.  Jimmy then speaks on Hallie Day, saying this was her best performance.  And finally, for Jessica Sanchez, Jimmy tells us that J-Sanch has talent from A to Z, and has the pole position in this show right now.

DIM THE LIGHTS!! Here we go!!

Perhaps its unfair that I don't like Brielle Von Hugel, because its really that I don't like her mom, but there it is.  After the nationwide vote, Brielle Von Hugel is NOT in the Top Ten.  After the nationwide vote, Hallie Day did NOT make the Top Ten (boo!) and that makes Hollie Cav and J-Sanch the newest seat takers in the Silver Stools of Security.

More results.

White Chocolate... Hey Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better)... Joshua Lidet are now asked to come forward.  Now, we look back at their performances... Jimmy says about Joshua Lidet that he's the real deal... about White Chocolate, Jimmy says the whole "black woman in his body" thing that its a little confusing, and they aren't connecting... and about Hey Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better), Jimmy says, "This guy completely confuses me..."

DIM THE LIGHTS!! Here we go!!

After the nationwide vote... Joshua Lidet is IN the Top Ten!  And one of the remaining two is in the Top Ten... Hey Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better) makes it!  White Chocolate nods and goes back to the couch.  He's done, by the way--he won't be a Wild Card pick.

Bayley Brown!... Chelsea Sorrell... Skylar Laine... Shannon Magrane... they are called to the front.  We watch the videos from the performances, seeing Skylar Laine first.  Jimmy Iovine tells us that she blends soul and country, and it was great... next, we see Bayley Brown!, who let me down, and gave me a frown.  Jimmy says that Bayley Brown! has all the pieces, but didn't put them together on this night.  "Out of tune, out of here."  Sigh.  Now, Chelsea Sorrell, to which Jimmy says she has a nice voice, but not original enough.  Finally, Shannon Magrane, one of my favorites, but hard for me to read on how America will feel.  Jimmy tells us that she's got a great voice, and great poise, but needs help in her look. 

DIM THE LIGHTS!! Here we go!!

After the nationwide vote... Shannon Magrane makes it!  YIPPEE!!  That makes me really, really happy, and I mean that in all seriousness.  While I think Bayley Brown! is just hot, I think Shannon Magrane is just a great chick.  Skylar Laine also makes the Top Ten

Next, Aaron Marcellus Wallace... The Welfare Justin Timberlake... Reed Grimm.  Now, Jimmy Iovine says he's real talented, but way too cabaret... for Aaron Marcellus Wallace, Jimmy says he was a bit cheesy... and for The Welfare Justin Timberlake, Jimmy says he was screechy and he didn't care for his voice.  Agreed. 

DIM THE LIGHTS!! Here we go!!

After the nationwide vote... Aaron Marcellus Wallace did NOT make it.  Now, after the nationwide vote... The Welfare Justin Timberlake did NOT make it... and Reed Grimm is also NOT in the Top Ten. 

Oh, Seacrusty, you faker!

Back to the ladies... Elise Testosterone... Erika Van Pelt... Haley Johnson and Jen Hirsh all come up, hoping for that final spot in the Chicks side.  Jimmy Iovine says Jen has a great voice, but she should stay away from Adele.  For EVP, Jimmy likes her quite a bit, and that she has great restraint, "Something this show needs more of, not less..."  For Haley's horrid Eurythmics destruction, Jimmy says it was very robotic.  And for Elise Testosterone, Jimmy tells us that he liked her, and would love to see her do original material. 

DIM THE LIGHTS!! Here we go!!

After the nationwide vote, Haley Johnson did not make the Top Ten.  We knew this.  Next, EVP, who also did not make the Top Ten.  And that leaves Jen Hirsh and Elise Testosterone... and after the nationwide vote, the final spot goes to Elise Testosterone! 

Back to the guys, with D'Kenny G... Eben Beiber... Big Jermaine... and Colton Dixon... and two spots left.  We go to break, then come back, and see the videos, plus Jimmy Iovine's take on them.  For the Gentle Giant, Big Jermaine, Jimmy is so glad the judges brought him back and could listen to his voice all night.  For D'Kenny G (I can't help it, this kid annoys the crap out of me), Jimmy says that he's got a lot of potential, but needs a coach.  For Eben Beiber, Jimmy says he's got potential, but is not ready, and he sang a song that was way to mature for him.  Jimmy then tells us about Colton that he's really talented, one of the most talented on this show, but needs to pace himself.

DIM THE LIGHTS!! Here we go!!

After the nationwide vote, Seacrusty tells us that D'Kenny G is OUT!  YIPPEE!!  Now two of the three are in... which two will it be?  Colton Dixon is IN the Top Ten!  Now, one Silver Stool of Security, with Eben Beiber and Big Jermaine left.  Who makes it?  After the nationwide vote, its Big Jermaine! 

So this is where we stand now...

Top Ten Guys:  Hey Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better)... Phillip2... Joshua Lidet... Colton Dixon... Big Jermaine

Top Ten Chicks:  Shannon Magrane... Hollie Cav... J-Sanch... Skylar Laine... Elise Testosterone

Now, the judges will reveal the SIX contestants they want to hear again... meaning eight are done already, they just don't know it yet.

First, its Jen Hirsh.  She, along with the other five, will get to "Sing for her her life".  She'll sing, and the judges will pick three of the six chosen--one per judge--to advance to the American Idol Finals. 

She sings a bluesy song, maybe called "Oh Darling", and it sounded great.  She stands in the middle, with the winners on the right, the losers on the left. 

Next, they choose Jeremy Risotto to come in and sing.  He kind of reminds me of Italiano whatshisname last year, chosen as a wild card pick due to this kind of "last chance" last chance.  He does another ballad.  I like Jen Hirsh better.  J-Lo is tearing up, and I really think this guy is her Wild Card Pick, regardless of how the others do.  I think he's kind of boring.  J-Lo is freakin' sobbing. 

The third Idol to get one final chance is Brielle Von Hugel.  The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up, "Oh no... seriously?  Why do they keep giving her chances? I just don't like her!"  Maybe its because this, music, is Brielle Von Hugel's life, this means so much to her, this is all she wants to do.  Give her points for originality, Bob.

Even down to her original song choice, by... yep, you guessed it, this year's Go-To, the wonderful Adele.  BVH is singing "Someone Like You".  And I think she sucks.  And Mom Von Hugel is cheering in the audience... and I wonder if the Idol producers are telling the judges they have to pick BVH because Mom Von Hugel makes for great TV.   Oy.

And the judges just flat out tell her that it just wasn't that great, and even Randy the Dawg says, "You might be in some trouble."

I just threw up in my mouth when Randy the Dawg says, "We've chosen D'Kenny G to sing again."  I grunt loudly, and The Lovely Steph Leann, while doing a burp-inducing pat on Camp's back, says, "Are you really surprised?"

He's actually singing "Georgia on My Mind", a song that I didn't like when Michael Bolton did it, and I definitely don't like D'Kenny G doing it.  Blah.  And the judges all three frakkin' love this kid.  No joke.

J-Lo tells us that fifth on deck, EVP gets a final shot at the glory.  And when I typed "final shot at the glory", that was about 20 seconds before she revealed the song she was going to sing... "Edge of Glory" by Lady GaGa.  Is it GaGa or Gaga?  Who knows.  Point is, I'm telepathic.  Telepathetic.

I really like EVP, though I don't know if her song is good enough to get her in the Finals. 

Okay, so one more Idol gets a shot at Singing for Their Life.  And that one more Idol is Reed Grimm... I hand it to The Lovely Steph Leann, who just said, "I'll bet its Reed Grimm", and I said, "Him, or The Welfare Justin Timberlake..." and then Seacrusty says, "Reed Grimm!"  She's telepathetic too.

Before Reed Grimm can sing, we say goodbye to the other 8 who didn't get that final shot, including Bayley Brown! and Aaron Marcellus Wallace, and Hallie and Haley and Eben Beiber, and with the rules in place, none of them can try out again.  When you make it this far, if you don't go any further, your Idol career is over. 

Reed's final song is "Use Me" by Bill Withers... and he writhes and wiggles all over the stage, doing his Reed thang. 

J-Lo says, "We thought America deserved to see you one more time..." which means first, that Reed, and Brielle, who also got that, won't make it, they just felt worthy enough to perform once more...and this also means that their selections were pretty much made, they just had to fill SIX spots.

D'Kenny G... EVP... Brielle Von Hugel... Reed Grimm... Jeremy Risotto... and Jen Hirsh... three will advance, three will go home.

Randy the Dawg picks EVP as his Wild Card Pick.  J-Lo picks--duh--Jeremy Risotto, who falls to his knees, cries, then runs around and hugs J-Lo uncomfortably so.  And now, Creepy Uncle Steven picks as his Wild Card none other than.... D'Kenny G.  Crap it all. 

My thought is that America is annoyed with this kid too, and he won't make the real Top Ten--as in, he'll be voted out in the next three weeks.  Done and done.

The Lovely Steph Leann says, "I think that we have a great group here, except for that Kenny G guy."  Well said.

The Idol Semi Finals: The Chicks

Note... when I say "Coming tomorrow...", consider that might mean "coming in a few days or so, due to the fact I have a three month old".  So there ya go.

Anyway, we saw the guys compete already... and now, its the chicks turn...  Chelsea Sorrell... EVP... Jen Hirsh... Brielle Von Hugel... Hallie Day... Skylar Laine... Bayley Brown!... Haley Johnson... Holly Cav... J-Sanch... Elise Testosterone... Twelve chicks, the five most popular will go into the Idols Top Ten, plus the judges Wild Card Picks.

By the way, we wanted to watch Idol last night, but after an anniversary dinner two days late, plus a movie (Denzel, who is always solid, in "Safe House"), we got in too late... so I've managed to avoid all media that might pertain to who won the Finals Spots on Idol on Thursdays results show, as did The Lovely Steph Leann.  So here we are.  And what is this?  Well, this...

THIS IS

THE AMERICAN

IDOL CHICKS

The judges--Creepy Uncle Steven in a pimp hat... Randy "The Dawg" Jackson... and J-Lo come out to much fanfare and applause, followed closely by Ryan Seacrusty. 

Up first, its Chelsea Sorrell, who hails from a teeny tiny town in North Carolina... singing a Carrie Underwood power twang tune.  She kinda sounds like good karaoke.  And that's all.  Carrie Underwood?  More like Karaokewood!  See what I did there? I kill me.

The judges say that they thought the song choice should have been better.  They didn't love it.

Next up, its wedding singer/DJ Erika Van Pelt... I said, "Aw, EVP", and The Lovely Steph Leann looked at me funny, saying "Uh... executive vice president?"  "No!  Erika!" "Ah."

And she's going to try to do a very hard task... Heart.  "What About Love" is her song, and her outfit doesn't fool me... she's a disco legging away from being a Wilson sister.  Its not a bad song, but a little baritoney for my tastes.

The judges say they liked it, but she could have gone stronger.  They didn't love it.

(worth noting... I'm blogging for the first time from the new laptop... still figuring out the settings and such)

Jen Hirsh, who I think I kinda like.  Her family video shows her hometown in California, and her family's wine vinyard.  Wait... what?  Tonight, she'll be singing "One and Only" from Adele.  Poor Jen Hirsh--she looks like she took a bath in Fake Tan.  She reminds me of Ross Geller, who ended up in the fake tan booth in that episode of Friends way back in the day.  Or "Going the Distance", with Justin Long, a movie that like, nobody saw except for me and The Lovely Steph Leann.  Not a bad movie, though based solely on the premise of random sex leading to love, then a relationship, not the other way around. 

Oh, Jen Hirsh is pretty doggone good.

The judges say they liked the fact she let loose.  They did love it.

(worth noting... don't know if its the slow songs, or just the fact she's tired, but The Lovely Steph Leann keeps drifting off, while Camp sits comfortably, gazing at Randy the Dawg)

And speaking of Randy the Dawg, he admits to Seacrusty that the previous night's show had the judges being a little too lenient on some of the dudes.  Gee, ya think?  I wonder if he saw all the message boards and columns about how it was a love-fest.

Brielle Von Hugel, the 17 year old from Staten Island who has the obsessive, smothering mom, and we are lucky enough to have Mom Von Hugel here in the audience!  Yay.  Singing "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay", she sits surrounded by the Idol guys on the edge of the stage. 

I shook my head, and said, "I think this is terrible"
The Lovely Steph Leann, without looking at me, just deadpans, "Yep."

Creepy Uncle Steven says, "Bee-you-tee-ful!"  J-Lo says, "True performer."  Randy the Dawg says, "Yo!"

The Lovely Steph Leann says, "Campbell's pooping."
I reply, "Guess he didn't like her either."

And we are back, with Hallie Day, 24, from Baltimore, Maryland.  We like her--she was the one who was strung out and an addict, but her husband brought her back from the edge and saved her.  Saved her in every way a woman can be saved.

Doing one of my Top 50 favorite songs of all time, "Feelin' Good", originally done by the immortal Nina Simone, Hallie Day starts... and I like it already.  Love it, actually. 

Me: Holy crap, she's got perfect teeth
Her: Sure.  Probably capped.

Amazing what one song that you love done well will do for your thoughts on an Idol can make.  Did that sentence make any sense?  Well, I know what I mean.  Anyway, Hallie Day is my favorite of all performances--guys or chicks--so far in this semi-final round.  Loved it.

J-Lo loved it.  Creepy Uncle Steven loved it.  Randy the Dawg loved it.

Speaking of poopy, Camp has finished.  Time to change.  Be back in mere moments.

...

...

...

aaaaand we're back.  Now that was some jacked up crap.  Wow.

Okay, so Idol chicks... five down, seven to go.  Now, its Skylar Laine, the most countrified country girl we have on this years show, and that's saying something as we have several country chicks this year.

Kicking it country style, Skylar throws down with some country ditty that I'm not familiar with, but one can only assume its called "Stay With Me", as she sings that line about 40 times.  She looks like she could be related closely to Amy Poehler. 

And, as expected, the judges loved it.  Randy the Dawg says, "its like Reba mixed with Kelly Clarkson!" and J-Lo chimes in "mixed with Tina Turner!" 

Finally, its one of my faves, Bayley Brown!  Now, Bayley Brown!, I've been rooting for you for a while, so don't let me down Bayley Brown!  That rhymed.  On purpose. 

Here's... sigh... here's "Amazed".  Seriously, Bayley Brown!, you have this once in a lifetime chance to show America what you can do, and you use this to sing "Amazed"?  This isn't good.  I'm wearing a frown, Bayley Brown!, though I do like that gown.

Now, when I rank Bayley Brown! at the end of this post, if I were being honest, I'd probably rank her fairly low.  But since I really dig Bayley Brown!, and I'm hoping that my ranking of her will influence the votes that happened two days ago, I'll probably rank her higher. 

The judges didn't love it.  Nor should they.  Sigh.

So now, it's Hollie Cav doing some Christina Aguilera.  I'm predicting that she'll sing "Reflection", which is a very teenage chick thing to do... But The Lovely Steph Leann is predicting "Beautiful", a song that she just deplores. 

"Reflection", from Disney's "Mulan", isn't one of my favorites, but its not bad.  And Hollie Cav is doing a fine job with it.   I guess her reflection is showing who she is inside.  But, I'm puzzled by the lack of lips on this chick's face.  Very, very thin lips.

And the judges just sop her up with a biscuit. 

So, here comes Haley Johnson, and it just occurred to me that we've got a Hallie, a Hollie and a Haley in this season.  Haley is a former barista, from Oregon.  She didn't work at Starbucks, though, so that's one strike, but she does seem like a nice lady.

"Sweet Dreams"?  Really?  The Eurythmics?  I hate this song, that being the original version.  And I'm not a fan of the cover version by Haley Johnson here.  I look over and The Lovely Steph Leann has a very pained look on her face.  "Its a weird song anyway, and I feel like she's took all the melody... she wasn't flat, but I kept feeling like she was going there, and I kept thinking 'oh, please stay on key, stay on key!'"  There ya go.

Personally, I feel like this was a terrible song for this audition... this is something you do in 80s week in Week Nine, after you have proven yourself in other songs.  Not something you do when you have ONE chance to make the finals. 

J-Lo loved it, and all the special things she did in her song.   Creepy Uncle Steven said he loved it.  And Randy the Dawg?  "Sort of like a nightmare, not a dream..." And while I agree with RtD, we both feel bad for her because she's the first person in the whole Semis to get a bad review... when many deserve the negative reviews, even more so than Haley Johnson.  Just sayin'.

Coming in at 6 foot tall or so, its 16 year old Shannon Magrane!  Holy crap!  She's singing "Go Light Your World" by Kathy Triccoli!?!?  That's AWESOME!!!  Back in 1995, Kathy T was the stuff in Contemporary Christian Music, and this song was used in countless drama to music human videos in various churchy type retreaty things.  I was in several in my years.  This song is all about carrying the light of Christ to those who are hopeless and lost. 

I love this chick.  She might be my new Bayley Brown! because after tonight, Bayley Brown! won't be around much longer. 

Randy the Dawg loved it.  J-Lo loved it.  Creepy Uncle Steven used the term "my reality check bounced...", but he loved it. 

In the 11th spot, its Jessica Sanchez, a girl who's been dreaming of this chance since she was five years old... so it feels like she has been dreaming of this for about three or four years. 

Not sure if I like J-Sanch's song, but she sounds like she's got vocal chops to spare.  I'm not even sure of what song this is, but she just belted out something that will almost ensure her a spot in the Top 13, if not by votes, then by a Wild Card Pick. 

Randy the Dawg gives the, "Yo!  That girl can sing!" to J-Sanch.  J-Lo loved it.  Creepy Uncle Steven ogles her and gives her affection.

See, Bayley Brown! and Haley Johnson should take notes--THAT is the kind of performance you give to get into a Top 13. 

Finally... Elise Testosterone, 28, and lives in Charleston, South Carolina, and she will end our show tonight.  Sitting at the piano, apparently singing another Adele song, Elise kicks off the song with this raspy voice that I think I really, really like. 

Dude.  I dig this.  I dig this all around, and back again.  Rock on. 

And the judges love the whole thing. 

So rather than waxing poetic about the performances, let's just go straight to the Idol Top 13...

My best to worst... Hallie Day... Elise Testosterone... J-Sanch... Shannon Magrane... Hollie Cav... Bayley Brown! (where I wanted her to be)... Jen Hirsh... EVP... Skylar Laine... Bayley Brown! (where she probably should be)... Chelsea Sorrell... Haley Johnson... Brielle Von Hugel

My predictions for the Top Five... Elise Testosterone... J-Sanch... Hollie Cav... Jen Hirsh... Skylar Laine... Hallie Day... my picks for possible Wild Card:  Brielle Von Hugel... EVP... maybe Shannon Magrane... Unfortunately, no Bayley Brown! selection predicted.

The Semi Finals Begin: Guys Night

According to the stats that Seacrusty and Fox likes to toss up, there are less grains of sand on this world's beaches than people who auditioned this year.  There are fewer stars in the sky than the average amount of hopefuls who showed up to try and make it.  There are less screw-ups in ObamaCare than the number of people who tried out... well, there are a lot of screw-ups in ObamaCare... maybe the number might be equal.

Needless to say, right here on this here Coffee blog here we have chronicled, night by night, the auditions, who to watch for, who sounded good, who sounded great, who is overrated and who is underrated.  And, of course, Bayley Brown! came back.  We've whittled it down to only 24 people, 12 dudes and 12 chicks... and tonight, the dudes start the show...

THIS IS 

AMERICAN

IDOL GUYS NIGHT

Some weird announcer voice comes up, and invites us to welcome the judges... Creepy Uncle Steven Tyler... Jennifer Lo... and Randy Jackson, the Dawg... and here comes Ryan Seacrusty himself, telling us its The Big Time!

On Thursday, we find out who joins the Idol Finals, as the Top Five Guys and Top Five Chick vote getters will advance, and each judge gets a Wild Card Pick, rounding out a Top 13 Finals.

And remember, Seacrusty informed us that one of the previously cut dudes was coming back--Big Jermaine.. Jerkweed Cowboy... Lil Pimp... or Johnny Keyser will come back tonight, through some magic of "we are Fox and we'll do it how we want to..."  And who is that?  We'll find out later...

The Idol dudes could pick any song they want (though I'm sure it had to be approved due to rights), and tonight, Reed Grimm gets the pole position, going first.  Singing "Moves Like Jagger," Reed kicks off the semi-final round.  His version is very bluesy, and he does a bit on a small drum set on stage.  And he flails so much, his mic pops off at the end.

Randy the Dawg thought it was a great kick-off to the show, as did J-Lo, and Creepy Uncle Steven loved his little fancy footwork shuffley thing.

In the 2nd spot, here comes 27 year old, Pittsburgh native White Chocolate!  And strangely enough, he goes right after the "didn't expect you to sing that song" vote, as he takes on Aretha's "Think".  Though he might have a large black woman trapped in his body, sorta like Tyler Perry, to me, its just not coming out tonight.  This is kind of a boring performance.  Sad.

However, the judges feel differently.  They loved it.

And now is a guy that we saw very little of until like, last week.  That's right, its D'Kenny G.  Sorry, this kid just bores me.  Not interested.  Campbell is crying a bit in the background of the room, and his swingy chair is playing some music... I'm only guessing it is enhancing D'Kenny G's song.  He's got some chops, but I'm just not impressed.

However, the judges feel differently.  They loved it.

Now, here comes one of the guys that The Lovely Steph Leann is rooting for... Colton Dixon.  The dude who's sister auditioned, had the judges coerce him into auditioning (again) and he ends up making it, after his sister gets cut.  Singing some Paramore, he sits at a piano... and in addition to The Lovely Steph Leann, I genuinely like this guy.

However the judges feel, they loved it.

And now, Jeremy Risotto is doing some Sara Bareillis, the song being "Gravity".  I'm a little torn, as I don't know that I would have picked this song, but I'd feel bad if Jeremy messed up one that I really like, like "Love Song", probably my favorite song of the last ten years.

However, the judges feel differently.  They loved it.

Good to get some color in here!  And now its Aaron Marcellus Wallace!  He's a regular dude with a big dream, because this means everything to him.  He's singing The Jackson 5's "Never Can Say Goodbye", and he's got an advantage over most of the other guys, being black and all.  Personally, out of five auditions that were just pretty good, this one feels like my favorite thusfar.

However the judges feel, differently.  They loved it.

This season's country crooner, as Seacrusty called him, is Chase Likens... singing "Storm Warning", he's got a voice made for country radio, flat out.  And the name, "Chase Likens", sounds like a country name.  He's not blowing me away, but I can see him being successful at some point.

However the judges feel, they loved it.

The stage now belongs to The Welfare Justin Timberlake, aka, Creighton Fraker.  He wins the award for Most Likely To Come Out During the Run of Idol This Season... and Welfare Timberlake is keeping the ballad trend going by doing one of my least favorite Cyndi Lauper song, "True Colors".   And it kinda put me to sleep. No joke, I just nodded off three times.

However, the judges feel differently.  They loved it.

Phillip Phillips, the pawn shop worker, has joined us now.  Phillip2 is doing Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight", and I dig it.  Its dirty, its raw, its bluesy and I can dig it.  Best so far tonight, I thought.

However, the judges... sensing a pattern here?

The little girls go crazy as Eben Beiber is up next!  He sat next to Lil Pimp and was chosen over said Lil Pimp on the last Hollywood show.  Eben Beiber is doing "Set Fire to the Rain" from Adele.  Can you imagine how a 15 year old would sing a grown up song like "Set Fire to the Rain"?  That's how Eben Beiber is doing right now.  But I'm guessing he'll make it through, due to the legions of little girls who will follow him incessantly.  Eh, it was okay.  Seems like he's taking it just one step at a time.

However, the judges feel differently.  They loved it.

I think the producers are split on Hey Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better) because on one hand, he's funny, and fun, and cutie patootie and you never know what he'll say and talented and on and one... but on the other hand, do they want THIS GUY to be their American Idol?   Seriously?   So, Hey Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better) is doing "Angels", as she shows off his sensitive side.  Good vocals, but I'm bored, again.

The judges felt like it might be the wrong song.

However, the judges loved it.

And the Pimp Spot, the final spot of the night, here's Joshua Lidet doing some Jennifer Hudson, as in, "Pull Me Through."  Geez!  I'm freakin' bored!  I mean, great voice, sounds good, but the song is a ballady type song, crossed with an inspiration song, and it equals I'm sleepy.

However, the judges feel differently.  They loved it.

Just like they loved every other song sung tonight.  Every.  Single.  Tune.  Could we get Simon to just phone in for a few minutes?

And finally... who comes back?  Well, its not other than Big Jermaine... which makes me very, very happy.  I love this dude.  He's doing Luther's ballad "Dance with My Father", and its not perfect, but I want this guy to go on to the next round.

Of course, the judges loved it.

My favorites of the night... Phillip2... Aaron Marcellus Wallace... Colton Dixon... Joshua Lidet... Big Jermaine... Hey Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better)... Reed Grimm... Chase Likens.... White Chocolate...Eben Beiber... Jeremy Risotto... The Welfare Justin Timerlake... D'Kenny G


My predictions on who will advance:  Phillip2... Colton Dixon... Joshua Lidet... Hey Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better)... Reed Grimm.  Possible wild card selections might be Big Jermaine... The Welfare Justin Timberlake... D'Kenny G.  

TOMORROW NIGHT... THE CHICKS TAKE OVER

The 2012 Oscar Live Blog Running Diary Thing Post Column

Before we get started, you must note two things... (1) I got a new laptop.  I'm not typing on that laptop at this second, I'm still on my old one, but for reasons I'll explain later, I got a new laptop.  (2) My Internet connection worked fine at 550pm.  Because I had a simple problem with a forgotten password on my router, meaning to connect to the interweb on the new laptop I had to get it reset, it seemed like a simple fix.  However, combine that problem with an idiot from AT&T named Chris McBride (yeah, you) telling me to do something stupid which shut my entire wireless system down...

...90 minutes later, two router resets, a page scribbled with random multi-letter and number passwords and about 982 visits to "control panel", I finally got connected.  My old laptop and the new one.  However, The Lovely Steph Leann's laptop is not connecting at all, no matter what we do.

So now, there was over an hour on the phone with some chick named Angel, then the dinner dash I made that was supposed to be made around 6pm, not at 748p, and here it is, 820p, and we are 50 minutes behind the program's starting time...

SO... that being said, lets get the Oscar Blog On!

821p... From the Hollywood Center, formerly the Kodak Theater though Kodak got its name off of it due to its bankruptcy, its the 84th Academy Awards.

833p... Now we finally get to start it.  And due to the DVR limitations of recording a certain amount of time, plus a hollerin' three month old, we are finally starting.  Plus, we have missed part of the opening of Billy Crystal's Oscar hosting.  That dude Chris McBride?  He sucks. 

836p...  Billy comes out and calls the arena the "chapter 11 theater..." Wonderful!   We missed Billy.

840p... Its his 9th time hosting, and he refers to himself as a "war horse", and I'm glad he's back.  He does his traditional all-best-pic-nom-inclusive opening musical number, and with camera pans to Clooney, Pitt and many others, they are glad he's back too.

841p... The first award of the night!  Tom Hanks comes out to Cinematography... what is cinematography?  I dunno.  I think landscapes, but who knows.  I picked "Hugo" and I won!   Hanks is now giving out Art Direction, and I can tell this is a night where the Oscar producers are like, "Hey, lets go go go... get this thing moving now."  I picked "The Artist", and it looks like "Hugo" wins again. 

847p...  Billy says, "At the 'Your name here' theater..."  Another funny shot at Kodak. 

849p... Being a movie fan, I love love looooove these movie clip montages, because I know I've seen most of them--this one has everything from "Jaws" to "Cape Fear" to "There's Something About Mary".  Its gotta be cool as an actor to watch other movies too, to truly understand the craft and the effort. 

851p... Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez come out, both in white, willowy dresses.  J-Lo and Cam-D give a nod to 8 time Oscar winner Edith Head, and are here to give Costume Design... I chose "The Artist" in this.  And the winner is... "The Artist"!  That's 2-1 for me tonight...

853p... J-Lo and Cam-D are racing through this category, now for "Best Makeup".  I went with "Albert Nobbs", a movie that I can almost certainly guarantee by 103% that I will never, ever, never, never, ever see.  Nothing about that movie interests me at all.  Just sayin'.

855p... And the Oscar goes to "The Iron Lady", the Margaret Thatcher movie that again, I will be very unlikely to ever see.  Not that I'm anti-Thatch... just doesn't interest me.  Sorry if you are a M-Thatch fan.   So I'm 2-2 thus far.

I guess its time to tell you about our Oscar Challenge... myself, my buddy Mikey, my buddy Drewski and Hurricane Rhett have this little thing going, as described on the latest episode of The Deucecast.  We all picked our winners, and whoever comes out first wins.  And the winner will require the other three to watch whatever movie the winner chooses... which means I could easily make Hurricane Rhett watch the Amanda Bynes' classic "Sydney White", and make Drewski watch the immortal "First Daughter" with Katie Holmes, and of course, Mikey would get to see Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen shine in "It Takes Two".  I hope I win.

857p... Various celebrities are telling us their first movies they've ever seen.  I can tell you the few that I remember first... "Every Which Way But Loose", with Clint Eastwood and Clyde the orangutan... "The Muppet Movie"... and "The Shining".   Yep.  At 5 years old, I'm sitting at a drive-in watching an evil hotel possess Jack Nicholson. 

The Lovely Steph Leann says she remembers "ET" and "Annie" first.  "ET" is fabulous.  "Annie"... not so much.

859p... Sandra Bullock is out to give the Best Foreign Film award, and she gives it in Mandarin Chinese.  Sorta funny.  I picked "A Separation" from Iran, though that's a crapshoot.  And I win!  Rule!

903p... Christian Bale, who won last year's Supporting Actor Award for "The Fighter" and deservedly so, is here for Best Supporting Actress.

The Lovely Steph Leann:  Its so weird hearing him talk in his native British. 

I feel like former divas Chyna, Lita and
Melina are thinking "why not me?!"

906p... And in one of the first least-suspenseful moments of the night, Octavia Spencer wins for "The Help".  We knew this would happen.  She gets a part standing ovation, and Octavia actually seems surprised.  Really?  Really?  Come on, Octavia... you knew this was coming.  And the rest of the audience stands up, including big smiles from George Clooney, and his boo, the former WCW Nitro Girl and WWE Diva Stacy Keibler.  Dig it!

The Lovely Steph Leann:  I love Melissa McCartney.

907p... Octavia spits out a charming speech as fast as she can, as she says, "I know the screen says to wrap up, I'm trying!"

909p... Billy: "I loved 'The Help'... when I saw it, I wanted to hug the first black woman I saw.  Which in Beverly Hills, was about a 45 minute drive..."   And now we see a big on "focus groups", starring the Christopher Guest troupe with Eugene Levy, Fred Willard, Catherine O'Hara and Guest himself.   Oh, and Stifler's mom.

913p... Tina Fey and Bradley Cooper come out is out for Film Editing, to which I picked "Hugo". And the Oscar goes to... "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo".  Crap.   And for Sound Editing, I went with "Drive".  And the winner?  "Hugo". 

I feel like, when this night is all over, "Hugo" will have won more Oscars than any other movie tonight... maybe nothing big, but all the smaller ones will add up to like, 7 Oscars.  Should I see this movie?

918p... Tina and Bradley keep going, this time with Sound Mixing, to which I picked "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo".  I feel like this award should be called Best Sound, and one movie should win all three of these.  And "Hugo" gets two of the three.  Stupid "Hugo".  I'm 3-4 right now.

920p... Pause to fix a baby bottle

924p... Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy!   And Cirque de Soleil!  Two members of the troupe were sitting in the audience in between Sandy Bullock and Meryl Streep, who were both grinning big to be there.  Its a performance that shows us "what its like to go to the movies", and its kinda fun.  And it gets a standing O.

929p... Billy:  "I pulled a hamstring just watching that... we got puppets, acrobats, we are one pony away from being a bar mitzvah!"

930p... Robert Downey Jr and Gwyneth Paltrow are out now, with RDJ doing some sort of funny walk out from backstage.  He says, "I'm filming a documentary called 'The Presenter'".  The category is Documentary... I had to go with "Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory", mostly because the story is incredible, but also because of Hollywood's fascination with the story.

933p... So naturally, "Undefeated" wins, a film about high school football. 

933p... Wait... what?

934p... The "Undefeated" guys become the first ones of the night to get played off stage for taking too long.

934p... Chris Rock comes out for Animation, and I'm digging his afro.  He then does a great schpeel about how easy it is to do animated film... hilarious.  My pick for this category is "Rango", though I'm intrigued by "Chico & Rita".  And the Oscar goes to... "Rango"!  Finally!  I get another one! 

937p... I don't know if "Rango" is worthy of the best animated film of the year, though there wasn't a ton of competition this year (Pixar's usual contender wasn't contending this year, not with Cars 2)... but "Rango" is drawn really, really well. 

939p... I know my buddy Mikey is excited... there's a bit with Melissa McCartney, who he loves. 

Just as cute as a bucket of puppies... though I can't
say that bow did her much good.

939p... Emma Stone and Ben Stiller come out now to present Best Visual Effects... can I say I just love me some Emma Stone?  Like, in practically everything she has done I've been happy about.  I used to say that Emma Stone is who Lindsay Lohan should have been... now its almost like Lindsay Lohan is the bad version of Emma Stone. 

942p... I selected "Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows Part 2" to win this.   But I'm afraid "Hugo" will take this one too.  I think that Hurricane Rhett will wet himself if "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" wins, though, just because he will be able to say, "I love that Oscar winning movie, 'Transformers: Dark of the Moon'"...

943p... "Hugo".

The Lovely Steph Leann:  Really?  Is this going to win everything?  Why can't Harry Potter win something? 

I agree.

945p... Billy:  Harry Potter made 7.7 billion dollars.  Yet, he only paid 14% income tax...

945p... Melissa Leo, who won Supporting Actress for "The Fighter", is out to give the Best Supporting Actor award.  Christopher Plummer will win this for one main reason... he plays an old man who comes out of the closet.  Hollywood frikkin' love this kind of crap.  Last year, the "gay" movie was "The Kids are Alright", which sucked.  This year, its "Beginners".  Plus, throw in the fact that Chris Plummer, a Hollywood icon and legend, has never won an Oscar, AND he's playing an elderly gay man--for the win.

948p... And in the second "Foregone Conclusion" of the night, Christopher Plummer wins an Oscar at the age of 84, becoming the oldest actor to ever win one.  And he gets the standing O, as per usual.

950p... I imagine this exchange:
Tech guy:  Plummer's been talking for several minutes... should I cut him off?
Producer:  Crap no... don't you dare cut off Plummer.  If Jonah Hill wins, you give him 30 seconds... but when Plummer starts talking, you let him talk.

950p... How the heck does Milla Jovavich end up sitting in the first few rows of the freakin' Academy Awards? 

953p... Billy Crystal is about to do his "what is the audience thinking" segment... the camera flashed to a celebrity, and Billy says what they are thinking... they show Brad Pitt, and Billy says, "I hope this doesn't run to late, I have six parent teacher conferences tomorrow..."  Brad doesn't seem amused, but the audience cracks up.

955p... Does anyone else hear some random beeping or musical tones?  Its like, their mics are jacked or something... I know its not my tv, because when I pause it, I don't hear it...

957p... And here comes Owen Wilson and Penelope Cruz, out for Best Score.  I'm thinking "The Artist" in this is probably a foregone conclusion moment, since the entire movie is just music.  And, as per usual, I'm right!  I'm dead even at 6-6... not a good record thusfar.

1001p... Will Ferrel and Zach Galifianakis are out, rising from the orchestra pit, both clanging cymbals.  Zach says, "One of these Song nominees will join such winners like 'The Way We Were' and 'Over the Rainbow' and 'Its Hard Out Here for a Pimp'".   Of course, I chose "Man or Muppet"... and the Oscar goes to... "Man or Muppet" from "The Muppets". 

1004p... Pan to Jason Segel, who is as pleased as punch.  Part of the reason I like him is that he is such a genuine Muppet fan.  And he was the best, perhaps only good part, of "Bad Teacher".

1006p... Billy:  Looking at all of you here, why don't we all just chip in and buy the Dodgers?

1006p... Angelina Jolie comes out to give the award for Adapted Screenplay.  I think I'm supposed to find her really attractive, and I actually find her mildly cute.  Maybe.  Give me Kate Winslet, The Goddess, Reese Witherspoon or Amy Adams (whom I'm in love with) any day.

1008p... I picked "Moneyball" in this category, thinking it would be the one award that it would win.  But I'm afraid "Hugo" will pick this one up too.  The winner is... "The Descendants".  In fairness, I'm okay with it, because I really, really want to see that film.

1010p... Original Screenplay?  I picked "Midnight in Paris", which is coming tomorrow via Netflix, and I'm kind of excited.  "Bridesmaids" would be a fun winner, but I think Woody Allen's "Paris" is the sentimental choice.  The winner? "Midnight in Paris"!  And Woody never comes to the Oscars, so Angelina accepts it for him and walks away.

1012p... A montage of actors and directors answering the question, "What makes a great movie?" and The Lovely Steph Leann is thrilled when Reese Witherspoon says, "When I don't feel good I love watching Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell in 'Overboard'... its my favorite movie.  No kidding."

1014p... How the heck does Milla Jovavich get to be a presenter at the Oscars?  Have you seen anything she's done?  Holy crap?  Milla presents the montage for the Techie Awards that aren't important enough to be broadcast. 

1016p... Billy:  "This has been a strong year for female characters... some wore high heels, like The Iron Lady or J. Edgar...."

1016p... All of the Bridesmaids come out together, with Kristen, Maya, Melissa and the other three.  Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph tosses out a bunch of innuendos for Live Action Short... I picked "Time Freak".  And in seeing the clip of "Time Freak", I knew I had lost.  "The Shore" wins. 

1019p... Best Documentary Short... I went with "The Barber of Birmingham: Foot Soldier of the Civil Rights Movenent" for two reasons... (1) the word "Civil" and (2) the word "Rights"... and who wins?  "Saving Face".  Really?  I guess Hollywood figures it is getting its white guilt reparations on giving awards to "the Help".  Dang it.

1022p... Because I like long titles since they seem more impressive, I picked "The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore" for Best Animated Short.  The Oscar goes to?  "The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore"!  Long titles win! 

1025p... Here comes Michael Douglas to give out Best Director, telling an anecdote about a guy named Leo who tried to finance a movie.  And then he calls out the nominees... I went out on a limb and picked Woody Allen  for "Midnight in Paris", but I feel like Michel Hazanavicius for "The Artist" will pick this up.  Unless "Hugo" wins it, though I think "Hugo" is done for the night.

1027p... The Oscar goes to... Michel Hazanavicius for "The Artist".

1029p... The Lovely Steph Leann:  Great.  Campbell waits all day, and now... he poops.  He's pooping right now. 

1030p... Another Hollywood icon, Meryl Streep, comes out, and tells us about The Governors Awards, celebrating the special contributions of three very special members of The Academy... Oprah!  James Earl Jones!  And a guy named Dick, who did makeup for a long, long time.

1032p... Oprah won a Humanitarian award, though right now she's Skinny O.  Good thing.. it would have been awkward to give Fat O two awards, one for each of her.  Oh! 

1034p... In Memorium.  I don't think we'll see Jack-A** star Ryan Dunn, who died in a drunk driving accident caused by himself.

1035p... Whoever is singing "What a Wonderful World", this chick has a huge afro... like, huge.  Huge.  Love it.

The image you didn't see in the Oscars dead people montage.  Rest in
peace, Ryan... even though you were an idiot, and your own drinking
and driving while doing 80 got yourself and another dude killed. 

1036p... We do see Whitney Houston, though.  And some of them, like Sidney Lumet and Steve Jobs, get sound bites and/or film clips... and Elizabeth Taylor predictably gets the last shot.  Well, other than Big 'fro Lady.

1039p... Three awards left... but first, we have a poopy diaper to change.  Back in a sec...

1046p... The Lovely Steph Leann:  You know, I don't really know all the ingredients in baby formula... but I just don't understand how his poopy can actually be flourescent green.

1049p... Actors answer the question "What do you see in movies?" Ed Norton, Julia Roberts, Phil S. Hoffman, RDJ, Jonah Hill, Bobby DeNiro, Tom Cruise and Patton Oswalt, who I'm a big fan of. 

1051p... While I kid when I say my buddy Mikey loves Melissa McCarthy (he doesn't), I am not kidding when I say he loves loves loooooves Natalie Portman (he does).  I mean, like, restraining order kinda love.

1057p... Oh yeah, Best Actor... I picked, correctly as we find out, Jean Dujardin for "The Artist" takes the Oscar home. 

11p... The Lovely Steph Leann almost drops Campbell as her main squeeze and namesake of The Colin Firth Club comes out to give the Best Actress award. 

1102p... I'm not trying to be mean...but Viola Davis looks terrible.  Thats not a race thing, thats a she-looks-awful thing.  Her hair is just bad. 

1105p... The only SHOCKER of the night... Meryl Streep wins the Academy Award for Best Actress, and Viola Davis loses.  Well, its not so much a shocker as a mild surprise, because I think Viola was the odds on favorite, maybe heavy favorite...

1108p... This is happening...
Techie:  Okay, do I start the music?
Producer:  If Chris Plummer can keep talking, you'd better dang straight let Meryl Streep talk until Tuesday if she wants to...

1109p... Tom Cruise comes out to give away Best Picture... and I already know the answer.  See, stupid MSNBC keeps popping up "alerts" on my phone, even though I have turned them off 1000 times--and it just dinged, and as I looked over, I saw MSNBC say "The Artist" wins Best Picture.  Stupid MSNBC

1111p... And for one of the only times, MSNBC doesn't tell a story or manipulate the truth--"The Artist" wins Best Picture. 

1115p... So, I'm counting the awards and picks and such... and I'll have to count again, and get a second opinion... but I think I won the Oscar Challenge.  Its a poor showing, with only 12 of the 24 awards picked correctly, but I might be enough...

1124p... Final score.. Hurricane Rhett - 12... d$ - 12... Mike - 11... Drewski - 6. 
Looks like Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen will get their Oscar moment after all.  At Mikey's house.

There's Only 24 Idols in a Day

So here we are, the final night of the Idol preliminary rounds.   We jumped ahead a second or two to find out that White Chocolate had made the cut...

In addition to the just added White Chocolate, we've Jen Hirsh... The Welfare Justin Timberlake... Joshua Lidet... Haley Johnson... Elise Testosterone... Reed Grimm... EVP... Chelsea Somethingorother... Bayley Brown!... Hey Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better)... Phillip2... Jessica Sanchez... Colton Dixon... and Brielle Von Hugel...

Now, let's fill those other 9 spots.  Again, here's the bullet points...

First up, here's Jeremy Rosado... he's been hanging out with Young Pimp David Leathers... Eben Beiber... and Ariel Spray (?)... and his final performance brought us a smooth version of something I have no clue what it is.  We notice his tongue is yellow.  I speculate it from the smokes.  The Lovely Steph Leann thinks it might be from a lozenge.

J-Lo brags on him and says, "There's no way we don't want you in the Top 24 this year."  Sort of a double negative, but her smile says he makes it.

Eight Spots Remain.

Shannon Magrane, 16, the object of Creepy Uncle Steven's "hot and happening" remark from way back a few weeks ago.  She sings "Love is a Many Splendored Thing" and sings it quite well as her solo song.  And Shannon Magrane makes it.

Seven Spots Remain.

Scott Dangerfield, one of those guys we've seen very little of this entire season, is up next. They show his solo performance as a hip, cool rendition of "Folsom Prison Blues", though his little clip was very brief, making me think they didn't spend much time on him for a reason.  As in, he won't matter after this episode.  As in, he won't make it past this spot.  As in, I was right.  He's gone.

Said earlier this episode by me... "I'll be Eben Beiber and Young Pimp David Leathers face off at the end with one spot left, for dramatic effect..." and The Lovely Steph Leann says, "Oh no way!  That would be horrible!"  Just now, as a clip of Eben and Pimp (sounds like the world's worst law firm) sitting together as Seacrusty says, "Our two youngest contestants face off for one spot remaining..."  Told ya.

Now, its Skylar Laine, a country chick who did "Fancy" on solo performance sing-for-your-life-day.   Of course, I hate that song, so I'm not a good judge of how she did.  Either way, SkyLaine makes it.

Six Spots Remain

Hallie Day makes it.  Chase Likens makes it.  Aaron Marcellus Wallace makes it.  Its like Idol decided to get through this quickly.

One chick spot remains.  Two guy spots remain.  

Last year, Deandre Kenny G made it all the way to the Final Judgement round.  This year, Deandre Kenny G has made it again to the Final Judgment round.  He sounds alot like the 90s R&B star D'Angelo that was in that video naked.  Just sayin'.   Anyway, this year, Deandre Kenny G takes another spot.

One chick spot, one guy spot left.

We see Jermiane Jones now, but this is anti-climactic, because we know this final spot will go to either Lil Pimp or Eben Beiber, so now its just to hear how they let him down.  We see the video of his solo performance, of which I could not pay attention to as I was staring at his hideous vest.  If Randy the Dawg says, "Dude, that vest was terrible", I'd understand it.  And we see a clip of him finally breaking down in the waiting room, barely able to handle the pressure.  Vest notwithstanding, Randy the Dawg gives him the bad news.

One chick spot, one guy spot left.

Shelby Twitter... Aerosol Spray... Hollie Cavanagh... three young chicks left, all making the walk to their final judgement, all to see which one will advance, and which two will go home.   The winner is Hollie, while Shelby and Aerosol go home with nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  Losers.

All chick spots filled.  One guy spot left.

Back to The Final Judgement.  Two guys left.  Eben Beiber... Lil' Pimp... two young dudes, one final spot.  This is it.  Frankly, I'm surprised that Hey Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better) wasn't saved for last, because Idol kept doing that to him, but here we are.

In the final solo performance, Lil Pimp did some old school Michael Jackson, while Eben Beiber went with an alto Joe Cocker... they both want this more than anything.  This means everything.  This is all they want to do.

And the results?  Lil Pimp doesn't make it... Eben Beiber does.  Hugs all around, and I think Eben Beiber has the tears, and not Lil Pimp. The Lovely Steph Leann groans and makes, for the 927th time this episode, a comment about how hard this is, and how tough this must be, and sounds like "wow" and "humph..."

Seacrusty has been telling us that there was some news to hear, something that will shake up the whole thing... apparently, the judges felt that there was a need to reinstate one of the guys to make a Top 13.  Either Johnny Keyser, Jermaine Jones, Jerkweek Cowboy or Lil Pimp will be joining the show.  We'll find out who, live on Tuesday!