Sunday, February 26, 2012

The 2012 Oscar Live Blog Running Diary Thing Post Column

Before we get started, you must note two things... (1) I got a new laptop.  I'm not typing on that laptop at this second, I'm still on my old one, but for reasons I'll explain later, I got a new laptop.  (2) My Internet connection worked fine at 550pm.  Because I had a simple problem with a forgotten password on my router, meaning to connect to the interweb on the new laptop I had to get it reset, it seemed like a simple fix.  However, combine that problem with an idiot from AT&T named Chris McBride (yeah, you) telling me to do something stupid which shut my entire wireless system down...

...90 minutes later, two router resets, a page scribbled with random multi-letter and number passwords and about 982 visits to "control panel", I finally got connected.  My old laptop and the new one.  However, The Lovely Steph Leann's laptop is not connecting at all, no matter what we do.

So now, there was over an hour on the phone with some chick named Angel, then the dinner dash I made that was supposed to be made around 6pm, not at 748p, and here it is, 820p, and we are 50 minutes behind the program's starting time...

SO... that being said, lets get the Oscar Blog On!

821p... From the Hollywood Center, formerly the Kodak Theater though Kodak got its name off of it due to its bankruptcy, its the 84th Academy Awards.

833p... Now we finally get to start it.  And due to the DVR limitations of recording a certain amount of time, plus a hollerin' three month old, we are finally starting.  Plus, we have missed part of the opening of Billy Crystal's Oscar hosting.  That dude Chris McBride?  He sucks. 

836p...  Billy comes out and calls the arena the "chapter 11 theater..." Wonderful!   We missed Billy.

840p... Its his 9th time hosting, and he refers to himself as a "war horse", and I'm glad he's back.  He does his traditional all-best-pic-nom-inclusive opening musical number, and with camera pans to Clooney, Pitt and many others, they are glad he's back too.

841p... The first award of the night!  Tom Hanks comes out to Cinematography... what is cinematography?  I dunno.  I think landscapes, but who knows.  I picked "Hugo" and I won!   Hanks is now giving out Art Direction, and I can tell this is a night where the Oscar producers are like, "Hey, lets go go go... get this thing moving now."  I picked "The Artist", and it looks like "Hugo" wins again. 

847p...  Billy says, "At the 'Your name here' theater..."  Another funny shot at Kodak. 

849p... Being a movie fan, I love love looooove these movie clip montages, because I know I've seen most of them--this one has everything from "Jaws" to "Cape Fear" to "There's Something About Mary".  Its gotta be cool as an actor to watch other movies too, to truly understand the craft and the effort. 

851p... Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez come out, both in white, willowy dresses.  J-Lo and Cam-D give a nod to 8 time Oscar winner Edith Head, and are here to give Costume Design... I chose "The Artist" in this.  And the winner is... "The Artist"!  That's 2-1 for me tonight...

853p... J-Lo and Cam-D are racing through this category, now for "Best Makeup".  I went with "Albert Nobbs", a movie that I can almost certainly guarantee by 103% that I will never, ever, never, never, ever see.  Nothing about that movie interests me at all.  Just sayin'.

855p... And the Oscar goes to "The Iron Lady", the Margaret Thatcher movie that again, I will be very unlikely to ever see.  Not that I'm anti-Thatch... just doesn't interest me.  Sorry if you are a M-Thatch fan.   So I'm 2-2 thus far.

I guess its time to tell you about our Oscar Challenge... myself, my buddy Mikey, my buddy Drewski and Hurricane Rhett have this little thing going, as described on the latest episode of The Deucecast.  We all picked our winners, and whoever comes out first wins.  And the winner will require the other three to watch whatever movie the winner chooses... which means I could easily make Hurricane Rhett watch the Amanda Bynes' classic "Sydney White", and make Drewski watch the immortal "First Daughter" with Katie Holmes, and of course, Mikey would get to see Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen shine in "It Takes Two".  I hope I win.

857p... Various celebrities are telling us their first movies they've ever seen.  I can tell you the few that I remember first... "Every Which Way But Loose", with Clint Eastwood and Clyde the orangutan... "The Muppet Movie"... and "The Shining".   Yep.  At 5 years old, I'm sitting at a drive-in watching an evil hotel possess Jack Nicholson. 

The Lovely Steph Leann says she remembers "ET" and "Annie" first.  "ET" is fabulous.  "Annie"... not so much.

859p... Sandra Bullock is out to give the Best Foreign Film award, and she gives it in Mandarin Chinese.  Sorta funny.  I picked "A Separation" from Iran, though that's a crapshoot.  And I win!  Rule!

903p... Christian Bale, who won last year's Supporting Actor Award for "The Fighter" and deservedly so, is here for Best Supporting Actress.

The Lovely Steph Leann:  Its so weird hearing him talk in his native British. 

I feel like former divas Chyna, Lita and
Melina are thinking "why not me?!"
906p... And in one of the first least-suspenseful moments of the night, Octavia Spencer wins for "The Help".  We knew this would happen.  She gets a part standing ovation, and Octavia actually seems surprised.  Really?  Really?  Come on, Octavia... you knew this was coming.  And the rest of the audience stands up, including big smiles from George Clooney, and his boo, the former WCW Nitro Girl and WWE Diva Stacy Keibler.  Dig it!

The Lovely Steph Leann:  I love Melissa McCartney.

907p... Octavia spits out a charming speech as fast as she can, as she says, "I know the screen says to wrap up, I'm trying!"

909p... Billy: "I loved 'The Help'... when I saw it, I wanted to hug the first black woman I saw.  Which in Beverly Hills, was about a 45 minute drive..."   And now we see a big on "focus groups", starring the Christopher Guest troupe with Eugene Levy, Fred Willard, Catherine O'Hara and Guest himself.   Oh, and Stifler's mom.

913p... Tina Fey and Bradley Cooper come out is out for Film Editing, to which I picked "Hugo". And the Oscar goes to... "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo".  Crap.   And for Sound Editing, I went with "Drive".  And the winner?  "Hugo". 

I feel like, when this night is all over, "Hugo" will have won more Oscars than any other movie tonight... maybe nothing big, but all the smaller ones will add up to like, 7 Oscars.  Should I see this movie?

918p... Tina and Bradley keep going, this time with Sound Mixing, to which I picked "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo".  I feel like this award should be called Best Sound, and one movie should win all three of these.  And "Hugo" gets two of the three.  Stupid "Hugo".  I'm 3-4 right now.

920p... Pause to fix a baby bottle

924p... Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy!   And Cirque de Soleil!  Two members of the troupe were sitting in the audience in between Sandy Bullock and Meryl Streep, who were both grinning big to be there.  Its a performance that shows us "what its like to go to the movies", and its kinda fun.  And it gets a standing O.

929p... Billy:  "I pulled a hamstring just watching that... we got puppets, acrobats, we are one pony away from being a bar mitzvah!"

930p... Robert Downey Jr and Gwyneth Paltrow are out now, with RDJ doing some sort of funny walk out from backstage.  He says, "I'm filming a documentary called 'The Presenter'".  The category is Documentary... I had to go with "Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory", mostly because the story is incredible, but also because of Hollywood's fascination with the story.

933p... So naturally, "Undefeated" wins, a film about high school football. 

933p... Wait... what?

934p... The "Undefeated" guys become the first ones of the night to get played off stage for taking too long.

934p... Chris Rock comes out for Animation, and I'm digging his afro.  He then does a great schpeel about how easy it is to do animated film... hilarious.  My pick for this category is "Rango", though I'm intrigued by "Chico & Rita".  And the Oscar goes to... "Rango"!  Finally!  I get another one! 

937p... I don't know if "Rango" is worthy of the best animated film of the year, though there wasn't a ton of competition this year (Pixar's usual contender wasn't contending this year, not with Cars 2)... but "Rango" is drawn really, really well. 

939p... I know my buddy Mikey is excited... there's a bit with Melissa McCartney, who he loves. 

Just as cute as a bucket of puppies... though I can't
say that bow did her much good.
939p... Emma Stone and Ben Stiller come out now to present Best Visual Effects... can I say I just love me some Emma Stone?  Like, in practically everything she has done I've been happy about.  I used to say that Emma Stone is who Lindsay Lohan should have been... now its almost like Lindsay Lohan is the bad version of Emma Stone. 

942p... I selected "Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows Part 2" to win this.   But I'm afraid "Hugo" will take this one too.  I think that Hurricane Rhett will wet himself if "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" wins, though, just because he will be able to say, "I love that Oscar winning movie, 'Transformers: Dark of the Moon'"...

943p... "Hugo".

The Lovely Steph Leann:  Really?  Is this going to win everything?  Why can't Harry Potter win something? 

I agree.

945p... Billy:  Harry Potter made 7.7 billion dollars.  Yet, he only paid 14% income tax...

945p... Melissa Leo, who won Supporting Actress for "The Fighter", is out to give the Best Supporting Actor award.  Christopher Plummer will win this for one main reason... he plays an old man who comes out of the closet.  Hollywood frikkin' love this kind of crap.  Last year, the "gay" movie was "The Kids are Alright", which sucked.  This year, its "Beginners".  Plus, throw in the fact that Chris Plummer, a Hollywood icon and legend, has never won an Oscar, AND he's playing an elderly gay man--for the win.

948p... And in the second "Foregone Conclusion" of the night, Christopher Plummer wins an Oscar at the age of 84, becoming the oldest actor to ever win one.  And he gets the standing O, as per usual.

950p... I imagine this exchange:
Tech guy:  Plummer's been talking for several minutes... should I cut him off?
Producer:  Crap no... don't you dare cut off Plummer.  If Jonah Hill wins, you give him 30 seconds... but when Plummer starts talking, you let him talk.

950p... How the heck does Milla Jovavich end up sitting in the first few rows of the freakin' Academy Awards? 

953p... Billy Crystal is about to do his "what is the audience thinking" segment... the camera flashed to a celebrity, and Billy says what they are thinking... they show Brad Pitt, and Billy says, "I hope this doesn't run to late, I have six parent teacher conferences tomorrow..."  Brad doesn't seem amused, but the audience cracks up.

955p... Does anyone else hear some random beeping or musical tones?  Its like, their mics are jacked or something... I know its not my tv, because when I pause it, I don't hear it...

957p... And here comes Owen Wilson and Penelope Cruz, out for Best Score.  I'm thinking "The Artist" in this is probably a foregone conclusion moment, since the entire movie is just music.  And, as per usual, I'm right!  I'm dead even at 6-6... not a good record thusfar.

1001p... Will Ferrel and Zach Galifianakis are out, rising from the orchestra pit, both clanging cymbals.  Zach says, "One of these Song nominees will join such winners like 'The Way We Were' and 'Over the Rainbow' and 'Its Hard Out Here for a Pimp'".   Of course, I chose "Man or Muppet"... and the Oscar goes to... "Man or Muppet" from "The Muppets". 

1004p... Pan to Jason Segel, who is as pleased as punch.  Part of the reason I like him is that he is such a genuine Muppet fan.  And he was the best, perhaps only good part, of "Bad Teacher".

1006p... Billy:  Looking at all of you here, why don't we all just chip in and buy the Dodgers?

1006p... Angelina Jolie comes out to give the award for Adapted Screenplay.  I think I'm supposed to find her really attractive, and I actually find her mildly cute.  Maybe.  Give me Kate Winslet, The Goddess, Reese Witherspoon or Amy Adams (whom I'm in love with) any day.

1008p... I picked "Moneyball" in this category, thinking it would be the one award that it would win.  But I'm afraid "Hugo" will pick this one up too.  The winner is... "The Descendants".  In fairness, I'm okay with it, because I really, really want to see that film.

1010p... Original Screenplay?  I picked "Midnight in Paris", which is coming tomorrow via Netflix, and I'm kind of excited.  "Bridesmaids" would be a fun winner, but I think Woody Allen's "Paris" is the sentimental choice.  The winner? "Midnight in Paris"!  And Woody never comes to the Oscars, so Angelina accepts it for him and walks away.

1012p... A montage of actors and directors answering the question, "What makes a great movie?" and The Lovely Steph Leann is thrilled when Reese Witherspoon says, "When I don't feel good I love watching Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell in 'Overboard'... its my favorite movie.  No kidding."

1014p... How the heck does Milla Jovavich get to be a presenter at the Oscars?  Have you seen anything she's done?  Holy crap?  Milla presents the montage for the Techie Awards that aren't important enough to be broadcast. 

1016p... Billy:  "This has been a strong year for female characters... some wore high heels, like The Iron Lady or J. Edgar...."

1016p... All of the Bridesmaids come out together, with Kristen, Maya, Melissa and the other three.  Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph tosses out a bunch of innuendos for Live Action Short... I picked "Time Freak".  And in seeing the clip of "Time Freak", I knew I had lost.  "The Shore" wins. 

1019p... Best Documentary Short... I went with "The Barber of Birmingham: Foot Soldier of the Civil Rights Movenent" for two reasons... (1) the word "Civil" and (2) the word "Rights"... and who wins?  "Saving Face".  Really?  I guess Hollywood figures it is getting its white guilt reparations on giving awards to "the Help".  Dang it.

1022p... Because I like long titles since they seem more impressive, I picked "The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore" for Best Animated Short.  The Oscar goes to?  "The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore"!  Long titles win! 

1025p... Here comes Michael Douglas to give out Best Director, telling an anecdote about a guy named Leo who tried to finance a movie.  And then he calls out the nominees... I went out on a limb and picked Woody Allen  for "Midnight in Paris", but I feel like Michel Hazanavicius for "The Artist" will pick this up.  Unless "Hugo" wins it, though I think "Hugo" is done for the night.

1027p... The Oscar goes to... Michel Hazanavicius for "The Artist".

1029p... The Lovely Steph Leann:  Great.  Campbell waits all day, and now... he poops.  He's pooping right now. 

1030p... Another Hollywood icon, Meryl Streep, comes out, and tells us about The Governors Awards, celebrating the special contributions of three very special members of The Academy... Oprah!  James Earl Jones!  And a guy named Dick, who did makeup for a long, long time.

1032p... Oprah won a Humanitarian award, though right now she's Skinny O.  Good thing.. it would have been awkward to give Fat O two awards, one for each of her.  Oh! 

1034p... In Memorium.  I don't think we'll see Jack-A** star Ryan Dunn, who died in a drunk driving accident caused by himself.

1035p... Whoever is singing "What a Wonderful World", this chick has a huge afro... like, huge.  Huge.  Love it.

The image you didn't see in the Oscars dead people montage.  Rest in
peace, Ryan... even though you were an idiot, and your own drinking
and driving while doing 80 got yourself and another dude killed. 
1036p... We do see Whitney Houston, though.  And some of them, like Sidney Lumet and Steve Jobs, get sound bites and/or film clips... and Elizabeth Taylor predictably gets the last shot.  Well, other than Big 'fro Lady.

1039p... Three awards left... but first, we have a poopy diaper to change.  Back in a sec...

1046p... The Lovely Steph Leann:  You know, I don't really know all the ingredients in baby formula... but I just don't understand how his poopy can actually be flourescent green.

1049p... Actors answer the question "What do you see in movies?" Ed Norton, Julia Roberts, Phil S. Hoffman, RDJ, Jonah Hill, Bobby DeNiro, Tom Cruise and Patton Oswalt, who I'm a big fan of. 

1051p... While I kid when I say my buddy Mikey loves Melissa McCarthy (he doesn't), I am not kidding when I say he loves loves loooooves Natalie Portman (he does).  I mean, like, restraining order kinda love.

1057p... Oh yeah, Best Actor... I picked, correctly as we find out, Jean Dujardin for "The Artist" takes the Oscar home. 

11p... The Lovely Steph Leann almost drops Campbell as her main squeeze and namesake of The Colin Firth Club comes out to give the Best Actress award. 

1102p... I'm not trying to be mean...but Viola Davis looks terrible.  Thats not a race thing, thats a she-looks-awful thing.  Her hair is just bad. 

1105p... The only SHOCKER of the night... Meryl Streep wins the Academy Award for Best Actress, and Viola Davis loses.  Well, its not so much a shocker as a mild surprise, because I think Viola was the odds on favorite, maybe heavy favorite...

1108p... This is happening...
Techie:  Okay, do I start the music?
Producer:  If Chris Plummer can keep talking, you'd better dang straight let Meryl Streep talk until Tuesday if she wants to...

1109p... Tom Cruise comes out to give away Best Picture... and I already know the answer.  See, stupid MSNBC keeps popping up "alerts" on my phone, even though I have turned them off 1000 times--and it just dinged, and as I looked over, I saw MSNBC say "The Artist" wins Best Picture.  Stupid MSNBC

1111p... And for one of the only times, MSNBC doesn't tell a story or manipulate the truth--"The Artist" wins Best Picture. 

1115p... So, I'm counting the awards and picks and such... and I'll have to count again, and get a second opinion... but I think I won the Oscar Challenge.  Its a poor showing, with only 12 of the 24 awards picked correctly, but I might be enough...

1124p... Final score.. Hurricane Rhett - 12... d$ - 12... Mike - 11... Drewski - 6. 
Looks like Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen will get their Oscar moment after all.  At Mikey's house.

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