Idols Born Music (ie, the episode where I feel old)

Controversy.  Its no stranger to America's favorite show for years and years.  Remember Frenchie, the big black diva who had lude pics of her pop up on the interwebs?  And that dude who claimed he got a little freaky deaky with Paula the Flake?  And we've had numerous Idols who have been let go from the show directly because of legal violations and things such as that, especially when they hide things from producers.  Why these guys don't come clean to begin with, I'll never know... with the power of the interwebs, Google and even Wikipedia, you can find just about anything out about anyone else.

Enter Big Daddy Jermaine Jones.  He had a little brush up with the law last year, including outstanding warrants for stuff involving assault and such. AND he told producers that he was abandoned by his Daddy when he was 10, which didn't make sense to Daddy Jones, who says he talks to his son all the time.  When producers of Idol found this out, they became suspicious and did some digging, and viola!  Law problems. 

But that doesn't stop Seacrusty! 

THIS IS


AMERICAN IDOL!!!

Tonight's theme is "Songs from the Year You Were Born", which we are told will be from 1983 to 1994... The Lovely Steph Leann gasped.  "No more 70s!!"

Jimmy Iovine is back in the hizzy, and this time, talking to Will.I.Am to help mentor the Idols.

First up, in the lead-off spot, its Phillip2, who was born in 1990.  Phillip2 is telling Jimmy Iovine and Will.He.Is that he's got to head to the hospital to get surgery for kidney stones.  Wait... what?

But he pushes through!  He will be singing The Black Crowes "Hard to Handle"... thats from 1990?  Wow.  And another Wow is that he sounds pretty good... he isn't moving a lot, but he seems like he's recovering well. 

The judges rave about him and the fact he's back and sounded good. 

Last week, J-Sanch dominated the show by dominating "I Will Always Love You"... this week?  She's picking "Turn the Beat Around", the Gloria Estefan version from 1995.  I was a sophomore in college, heading into my junior year.  I was 9 days shy of 20 when J-Sanch was born.  It always makes me feel old to know I could be this kids dad. 

Jimmy Iovine and Will.I.Am have told her she is a "Swaggernaut".  No Will.I.Am, no Jimmy.  No, you dont'.  That's horrible.

After hearing this song several times in the last few seasons of Idol, I'm convinced that you cannot do a "blow the audience away" version of this song.  Plus, her pants look like a disco ball threw up on them.  Not good times.

That was terrible. How did she fall that fast in a week?!  Creepy Uncle Steven didn't like it, enough to garner boos.  J-Lo loved the pants, told her is was just so-so.  Randy the Dawg lifts her up by telling her she's one of the greatest in this season's Idol, but then bursts her bubble by saying "Eh."

J-Sanch then tells us that from 1995, she didn't have alot to choose from.  Which, I can totally believe that, actually.

Now, we have our resident class clown, Hee Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better), who is taking on some Richard Marx... "Right Here Waiting", probably the quinessential love song from 1989.

I think Richard Marx is somewhat underrated as an artist, because he truly had some memorable pop hits... I say this in all seriousness, I'm not joking here.

My favorite Richard Marx song is "Hazard", but I do enjoy "Endless Summer Nights", and I even have the 45 of it... I also like "Shoulda Known Better" and "Don't Mean Nothing". 

All that being said, I can imagine Will.I.Am's thoughts when an Asian, Hee Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better) takes on one of the whitest songs in the history of the world... "What kinda white fruit booty song this is?"

Now, I managed to type all of that during his performance because... well, its boring.  The best part about this entire thing is his gawd-awful bow tie thing he's going on.  And that's saying something.  

Randy the Dawg says it was the wrong song for Hee Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better)... J-Lo says she felt his heart... Creepy Uncle Steven says it was a bit breathy and outside of his circle. 

Back from the break, its Elise Testosterone!  She's coming back after a bad week in which she almost went home... thankfully, she didn't though, because I am rather fond of E-Test at this point.  I mean, she's not Baylie Brown! (long live Baylie Brown!) but she'll do.

Now, The Reverend Al Green did the immortal and amazing classic "Let's Stay Together" in the early 70s, and we've already deduced that no one was born before 1983--Elise Testosterone herself--but E-Test is actually covering Tina Turner's cover of Al Green's "Let's Stay Together".

Receiving last week's only save of the season, as she sat on the Bottom Two with Jeremy Risotto, I'm hope that E-Test will bring it.  In other words, Will.I.Am just said the word "inner Negro".  Then they do a split screen with E-Test and He Who Must Not Be ReElected.  Yes, that one.

And she is doing awesome... starting out slow atop a piano, she brings it, channeling her inner Negro and becomes my favorite of the night thusfar.

The judges just all loved it, as they should. 

And, in the low point of the night, its D'Kenny G, born in 1994.  And here's what Annie on EW had to say about D'Kenny G:

A woman had come up to DeAndre Brackensick's parents and predicted that he would someday be on American Idol when he was 4. Four!!! I just thought you might need another reminder of how young these kids are, and how old you are. Gosh are you old. DeAndre struggled with song choice this week, and I think he should have gone with his original idea, "Can You Feel the Love Tonight," instead of Mariah Carey and Luther Vandross' cover of Lionel Richie and Diana Ross' "Endless Love." No teenager has ever heard of that song. Trust me, I know all of the teenagers. Not really; I know less than 10, and sometimes I read their Facebook updates but only because we're related.

I think he should have gone with the Lion King song, if only for the Mufasa mane connection.  Get this kid off of the stage before I go through myself into a wildabeest stampede.

J-Lo says it was sung beautiful.  Blech.  She says that Jimmy Iovine steered him wrong.  Creepy Uncle Steven says it was the wrong song.  Randy the Dawg says it was wrong, and boring. 

Shannon Magrane was born in 1995.  Again, I'm old.

Jimmy Iovine gives her the song he suggests by using the fourteen word name of the phone he's holding up, while Will.He.Is looks on to the product placement.  No Doubt's "Don't Speak" is what they are pushing, but she vies for "One Sweet Day" by Boyz II Men and Mariah Carey. 

I worked at the Carmike 10 in Montgomery, Alabama during the fall of 1995, with Bobby Black and Lisa Turk, and when I would do a stint as a ticket taker, I'd hear this song during "Movie Tunes".  Understand that "Movie Tunes" was on a 30 minute loop.  So I'd hear this song about 10 to 16 times in a shift.  Maybe that's why its not one of my favorites by Boyz or Mariah.

J-Lo says that her (Shannon Magrane) singing Boyz and Mariah terrified her (J-Lo), and Randy the Dawg agree.  The he says, "America has fallen in love with you".  Why do I feel like that just signed her death warrant?  Creepy Uncle Steven Tyler says it was good too.

Let's hear from Colton Dixon now, who tells us about how awesome it was to meet one of his own Idols, Chris Daughtry.  Born in 1991, Colton Dixon is going to be singing a song by White Lion.  No, not "Wait", which would have frackin' ruled.  And not "When the Children Cries", which is probably good.  Will.He.Is says, That song, Broken Heart, no one knows... the band barely knew that song..."

Whatever this song is, Colton Dixon is owning it, and sounds like he stepped right out of 1991's radio airwaves.   I say this to The Lovely Steph Leann, and she replies, "Yeah (pause, then sigh).  Back when music was good."

J-Lo says she had never heard this song, but loved Colton's version.  Creepy Uncle Steven says, "I think it was the wrong song for your voice and your passion..."  Randy the Dawg says that Colton was dope. 

Catching up with the mid-80s, its Erika Van Pelt!  I do love me some EVP.  She's going to throw down on the rocker ballad "Heaven" from Bryan Adams in 1985.  As EVP starts sing, the video screen behind her as this weird staircase behind her, moving upward, and as she moves forward, it makes an odd dynamic.  I'm lost.

Now, she's singing the fool out of this song and sounds great, but I feel like she will not truly own the week until they do a Heart themed episode.  I'd love to hear her version of "Barracuda" or maybe "Crazy on You".

Creepy Uncle Steven tells her it was too busy, and a bad arrangement, but he loves her voice.  J-Lo says she didn't like the arrangement, but loved her. Randy the Dawg says basically the same. 

And Seacrusty busts up with the info about Big Daddy Jermaine Jones.  And in a ratings ploy a serious interview, they essentially blindside him on camera by the producers, who sit him down and run through his charges while sitting in front of him, and then say, "You didn't reveal this to us."   Big Daddy Jermaine says he was never in a fight, he just fell, but was charged over a disagreement. 

Lesson?  You get on Idol, you tell the producers EV-AH-REE-THING.  The Idol producers tell him that they are not allowed to have anyone on the show who have outstanding warrants and they let him go.  Then they show him throwing down on "Somewhere Out There" during rehearsal.  I hate to see this guy go.  Why couldn't freakin' DeAndre be busted for crack or something? 

Okay, back to the performances, here's Little Skylar Laine, who tells the judges "Y'all are being mean!"  They should all thank their stars that Simon Cowell is long gone, because he would eat some of these kids for breakfast.

Skylar Laine was born in 1994, and is doing Bonnie Raitt's "Love's Sneaking Up On You".  Jimmy Iovine and Will.I.Am suggest Coolio's "Fantastic Voyage", which although would be stinkin' awesome, it would also have the potential to be a flaming debacle of hippo poop.  Which would still be awesome.

Gotta tell ya, this is one of my least favorite Bonnie Raitt songs.  She does it well, just don't like the song.

Creepy Uncle Steven loved it.  J-Lo loved it.  Randy the Dawg loved it.

Seacrusty introduces Joshua Ledet, and mentions how Joshua Ledet misses crawfish from back home, and then they wheel out a huge bucket of crawfish.  Seacrusty is just being shellfish.

Joshua is from 1992, and is singing "When a Man Loves a Woman", the Michael Bolton version.  I'm not sure I like this whole "singing a version from a certain year that is a remake of a song that came out 20 years earlier."

The Lovely Steph Leann agrees with me.  See, Joshua Ledet is sounding more like Percy Sledge than Michael Bolton here. 

Joshua rips off his jacket and keeps rolling, and let me just tell ya, he just owned the stage and simply dominated.  What J-Sanch was to last week, Joshua was to this week. 

Randy the Dawg just dropped the "Oh my gawd!" like, then J-Lo says, "The best thing I've seen on American Idol".  Then Creepy Uncle Steven just gushes for a minute or so. 

I agree. He just brought it. 

And in the pimp spot tonight, its Hollie Cav, who was born July 5th, 1993.  I was headed towards Troy State's orientation that weekend, and met Lisa Turk and Cyndi Bledsoe that night.  Awesome.

What is she doing tonight?  Celine Dion's "The Power of Love", a song loved by most females 28 and up.  Hollie Cav almost looks stunning, but huge strips of fabric are missing from the part of the dress that cover her legs, thighs and bum. 

J-Lo says, "You and Joshua... saved the best for last, huh!?"  Creepy Uncle Steven invokes the name of God and Heaven for the 49th time this episode in describing Hollie Cav, and Randy the Dawg says she just blew this song outta the box.

Here's how I rank 'em...

Joshua Ledet's "When a Man Loves a Woman"... Colton Dixon's "Broken Heart"... Elise Testosterone's "Let's Stay Together"... Hollie Cav's "The Power of Love"... EVP's "Heaven"... Little Skylar Laine's "Love's Sneaking Up on You"... Phillip2's "Hard to Handle"... Shannon Magrane's "One Sweet Day"... Hee Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better)'s "Right Here Waiting"... J-Sanch's "Turn The Beat Around"... whatever crap D'Kenny G did tonight.

Who goes home?  Keep scrolling.