Me, just returning from The Happiest Place in the Mall: So, The Lovely Steph Leann, how was Idol?
The Lovely Steph Leann: Eh, it was alright
Me: So no superstars yet?
The Lovely Steph Leann: No, not really.
It's been quite a weekend... The Happiest Place in the Mall has been rockin' for weeks now, and this weekend was no different. Starbucks kept me busy on Friday, and early on Monday and Tuesday (today). And in all that work, in all that scurrying around, we won't discuss "The Bill". Yet, anyway.
I've been wanting to blog about my recent trip to The Most Magical Place on Earth, and some of the fun little stories that taking, among others, two special needs children can give you. But no time. Of course, there's always Happy Times stories to relate... and still, no chance to share 'em. And lest anyone forgets, I'm looking for a job in the next few months... so there's that.
And here we are, almost into April, and yet, I'm still 50 spots away from listing the Coolest Things of 2009. No, I haven't forgotten. And I"m just warming up for "The Summer of 35", and Clouds in My Coffee's 5th Anniversary. And still, so little time.
So I've got to discuss all that, and at some point, I need to really spill the guts on this travesty of legislation, that being the Health Care Bill that He Who Must and Will Not Be Re-Elected signed into law earlier today.
My intentions were to come home tonight, say goodnight to The Lovely Steph Leann, who already watched Idol, then come downstairs and watch that same show, and do my little report on it. That was at 11pm. Well, here it is at 12:21 in the morning, and what am I watching? The end of WWE: Raw, where Batista and John Cena have one final face off before WrestleManie XXVI this Sunday!
Alrighty, Batista talked trash, Cena finally called him on it, they scuffled, "security" came out, Cena and Batista got a few blows in, then while Cena stood in the ring, Batista stormed off to the locker room. So its 12:27am.
Let's see how far we can get in thirty minutes, shall we?
IS AMERICAN IDOL
Tonight, they take on Billboard #1 songs... and guest "mentor" tonight, none other than Hannah Montana herself, Miley Cyrus. Okay, let's get this admission out of the way first and foremost. I like Miley Cyrus. I used to not. I used to think she was kind of annoying, and yeah, I kinda still do. Her show is amusing at best, only in certain parts, and straight up, I'm more of a Emily Osment (Haley Joel's sister) fan--downloaded her EP off of iTunes, and its great. Back to Miley.
"Party in the USA"? I'm addicted to that song. I think that song is an absolute hoot, hitting every guilty pleasure nerve unlike anything since "Fergalicious". Personally, and I don't say this because Miley is 17, I just don't think she's all that good looking. Well, unless you count the "Party in the USA" video, something that conflicts me, because I kinda think that there, and only there, she's kinda hot, but at the same time I almost can't help but think ahead to Lorelei Addison's teenage years, and how if I ever saw her with shorts that short and a top cut that like that--or writhing around a stripper pole atop an ice cream truck (and hopefully, she'll be raised to never actually be in any situation involving a stripper pole AND an ice cream truck, even if it is on a kid's award show), I'd wring her neck--and I'd expect all of you to do the same.
I will now go call Chris Hansen, admit my guilt, and then smash my face on the nearby halogen lamp.
Lee D is pulling out "The Letter" by the Box Tops, an old, old classic... "give me a ticket for an aero-plane...". Its that song. Miley says its a great song, and I'm guessing the first time she's ever heard this song was when Lee D practiced it for the first time.
As I'm listening to this song, I can't help but think that this song is not a doo-wop song, and not really a jazzy kind of number, but that's what Lee D is doing to it. The Lovely Steph Leann told me earlier she enjoyed it.
Randy the Dawg loved it. America's Favorite Lesbian Ellen DeGeneres... well, she kinda rambles a little like Paula. Kara the New Hotness, a "of-age" Hotness thank you, raves about Lee D. Simon the Cowell is like the other judges, surprised by the choice of the song. He enjoyed the sound, but said the song wasn't a good choice.
Its almost 1am.. I'm exhausted... let's continue this tomorrow. Who did you like, by the way?
Aaaaaaaaaaand we're back. Its now Wednesday night, its almost 8p, we fired up the DVR and is now ready to watch....
She's going to try to take on "Against All Odds" by Phil Collins, but I'm guessing she's shooting for the Mariah Carey version from a few years back. Did you know that "Against All Odds" was nominated for an Oscar for the 1984 movie of the same name? Its notable, not just because its a great song, but its a terrible movie (so sayeth The Lovely Steph Leann"), and also because the Academy didn't ask Phil Collins to perform the song at the show. Therefore, he sat in the audience as someone else sang it, and gave a frowny face. Wouldn't you?
Another great... and I use that term loosely... song from a bad movie is "I Just Called To Say I Love You" by Stevie Wonder, from the Gene Wilder film "Woman in Red", also starring a soon-to-be Kelly LeBrock. Its notable because not only is it Rated PG, but as a PG movie, it features not a topless scene, but an actual bottomless scene. Not good times if you are 9 watching HBO at 4 in the afternoon and this comes on.
I'm talking about these things to avoid discussing Paige Miles, because she was absolutely terrible. TERR-IH-BULL. So bad that America's Favorite Lesbian Ellen DeGeneres told her that she looked great, and then said, "And I'll let Kara the New Hotness and Simon the Cowell critique the music..."
The Lovely Steph Leann warned me this was terrible, and Hurricane Rhett earlier tonight told me to watch out for her. They were right.
TIM "NOT NEARLY AS TALENTED AS KEITH" URBAN
Tim-may is being coached by Miley Cyrus, who tells him that he rocks.
He's doing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Queen, another Idol standard. They should do a theme night called "Songs That Ain't Never Been Done On American Idol", which would eliminate the entire Aretha, Whitney (pre-crack), Mariah (pre- and post-skank) and Kelly Clarkson catalogs.
This song has been done to death alot as well... but I gotta say, Tim-may isn't doing too badly. I mean, I'm not downloading his song on iTunes tonight, but its survivable. After Paige Miles, the bar is set pretty low.
Randy the Dawg called it boring. Ellen DeG said it was an audition for "High School Musical 6" and corny. Kara the New Hotness called it Zac Efron & "Hairsprayey". Let me tell ya, that's not a bad thing, because Zac Efron is not only loaded, he gets lots of dates. Simon the Cowell didn't like it either. I dug it a little. Not a lot, but a little.
LIL' AARON KELLY
The Kid has is crushin' on Miley... its kinda funny. Of course, he is younger than Miley, which makes me feel really old. And you know what else makes me old? That most kids now know Billy Ray Cyrus as Miley's Dad, not Achy Breaky Billy Ray. Go figure.
Seriously? Is he doing "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing"? Sigh. My stomach, which is already a little quakey from this weekend's almost-illness, just turned a little when he tried for that high note. Sad to say, but I like Tim-may better.
Randy the Dawg said "Thank God you started singing tonight!". Ellen DeG said the song choice was perfect. Its to be known that Aaron Kelly is sick, with tonsilitis, and Kara the New Hotness just raves about how brave he is to sing with his sickness. Simon the Cowell says the same.
They cut to Miley in the audience, who is sitting by... her mom? Is that her mom? Wow, that woman has some choppers. Reminds me of when Ross got his teeth whitened, combined as when Matt Dillion had the teeth added to impress Mary.
She's doing "Me & Bobby McGee" tonight. Miley says she loves that song, and I'd be willing to be the only time she's ever heard that song is when Billy Ray plays it on an old record on a random Sunday afternoon at home.
C'Bosox stands, guitar in hand, and if I may interject my own opinion here, Janis Joplin is perfect for her. Randy the Dawg yells about her being a star. Ellen DeG shows lots of love. Kara the New Hotness tells her to let go, and how awesome she is. Simon the Cowell gushes, making fun of other people as he does.
As the big man comes in, he gives Big Mike a big bear hug, and Miley just fell in love. He's singing Percy Sledge's "When a Man Loves a Woman"... or maybe he's doing Michael Bolton's version? We shall see.
Channeling his inner Ruben Studdard, Big Mike comes out and pours velvet all over the microphone. Its not a huge risk, really, but Big Mike is singing his kind of song. Soul. Smooth. And I can dig it.
Randy the Dawg said it wasn't perfect, but he liked it lots. Ellen DeG said it was a safe choice, but she loved it. Kara the New Hotness said technically it was good, but kinda boring. Simon the Cowell said the same thing.
ANDREW "I'M GETTING TOO MUCH MILEAGE FROM A PAULA SONG" GARCIA
Here comes Andy Garcia, trying to work on "Heard It Through the Grapevine" by Marvin Gaye. Miley is suggesting that he put the guitar down, and sing straight up. No, not that "Straight Up", he already did that. And that goose has just about laid its final egg.
He sings it, it sounds 'eh', and Randy, Ellen and Kara the New Hotness didn't like it, and Simon the Cowell actually says "Maybe we overrated that Paula version you did, in hindsight..." Wow.
So, one 17 year old mentors another, and the 17 year old in question, Miley Cyrus, is helping the other, Katie Stevens, with "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie. Thats the song that says, "I'm gonna miss you like a child misses his blanket...", one of the silliest lines in musical history.
Katie asks Miley how she deals with the negativity out there, and Miley says, "Well first, make sure you don't pole dance on the Kids Choice Awards show, secondly, don't get naked for a 'tasteful' Vanity Fair shoot when you are like, 15, and third, make sure all risque photos of you don't end up on MySpace." She didn't say that, but she could have. Should have.
Fergie is at home with her hubby, and yes, after hearing this, big girls do cry. Fergie is doing it now because of what Katie did to her song. And yes, Cindy Jo is weeping. Not that she's a big girl, I meant "big girl" as in "grown up" and... what I meant was... oh, never mind.
Randy the Dawg liked it, while Ellen DeG called her the "dakota fanning" of Americal Idol. Really? Kara the New Hotness tells her pop with R&B leanings is her home. Simon the Cowell, the voice of reason, then speaks unreasonably.
Seacrest is calling numbers faster, so it must be a time constraint.
And rockin' on is what CJ just did. Awesome. For me, I think this might be the best, for me, performance from CJ so far, I mean, for me.
Randy the Dawg liked it, Ellen DeG loved it, Kara the New Hotness loved it and Simon the Cowell hated it. Somewhere, Cindy Jo is drooling.
Miley talks to Didi, who is singing "You're No Good" by Linda Rodstant... Ronstant... Ronstadt? Who cares. Have'nt liked her in 20 years. Seacrest just called Didi Banimi... which is a great name. Go with it, Didi!
Personally, I thought she was great. I can dig me some Didi.
Randy the Dawg called it pitchy. Ellen DeG didn't like the song choice. Kara the New Hotness said it was over dramatic. Simon the Cowell said "you singing 'you're no good' was ironic..." Boo!
So, what is the problem with the judges? If the names don't include "Magnus" or "Bowersox", its almost as if they are pre-inclined to not like it.
The Quirky One is singing "Superstitious" by Stevie. Add him to the list of artists that the catalog has practically been wiped out, for better or for worse.
In the pimp spot, closing out the show, here comes Siobhan Magnus. I will admit, however, I do like her... she's very likable, very fun, and very, very talented. Whether I'd buy a CD from her, or download a song she's done remains to be seen.
She does screech a lot, though.
Randy the Dawg says she's fearless. Ellen DeG wants more. Kara the New Hotness loves the expression by her. Simon the Cowell says the audience might be split, and cautions her about the screeching.
Here's where I rank 'em... CJ... Big Mike... Didi Benami... Siobhan Magnus... C'Bosox... Lee Dewyze... Tim-may Urban... Katie Stevens...Andy Garcia... Lil Aaron Kelly... Paige Miles
And now to the results show...
The Top Eleven will get cut to The Top Ten, and this is a big deal, because the Top Eleven do not go on tour. The Top Ten do. The Top Eleven do not get paid for endorsement deals and touring and such. The Top Ten do. The Top Ten will make a heckuva lot more jack than the Top Eleven.
Seacrest reminds us of The Siobhan Bowersox Memorial Save card, which they may play to save and overturn any elimination as voted on by the American people.
And the group song tonight? "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" by Wham! is what we get. The Lovely Steph Leann says, "I thought they were giving up group songs. Dang."
Fast forward through commercials
Fast forward through the Ford Music Video
Siobhan's followers are in the audience, dressed up with fake blood on their faces, and calls themselves "Siozombies".
Because Miley is the only one performing tonight, Seacrest is killing time like crazy by talking to the Idols on the couch.
The Silver Stools of Shame are presented, and now we are up the results. Siobhan stands up. She really is like the Chick Adam Lambert (repetitive statement?). Well, after the vote, she is staying on the show, heading on tour.
Lee Dewyze and CJ stand together. This usually is bad, though it also usually comes at the end of the row, after four other people are told to sit. After the nationwide vote? Not yet.
Tim Urban and Paige Miles stand up together now, before we find out what happened with Lee and CJ... I like this change up on revealing results. Paige is in the bottom three. Tim is also in the bottom three. CJ and Lee are still standing.
Fast forward through commercials
Next week? Usher comes to Idol, during the R&B Soul Theme Week.
Fast forward through Miley singing
Fast forward through Miley talking
Fast forward through Miley still talking
Fast forward through commercials
Seacrest pimping Idol's charity site
Back to the business at hand. CJ and Lee are safe... apparently, after we went to an earlier commercial, they were told to sit. Botch. Epic fail.
Aaron Kelly stands. The Lovely Steph Leann kinda likes him, I find him kind of annoying. He's safe.
Didi Benami stands up. This is good, which means she probably will be staying. Seacrest points out that some contestants take a risk and gets praise, and others take a risk and get killed, and Didi agrees, saying, "I don't know what the judges want..." Seacrest tells her to sit.
Big Mike stands up. Next to him is C'Bosox, and on the end is Katie Stevens and Andy Garcia. My guess is that Katie and Andy will stand together, and Katie goes to the Silver Stools of Shame. Big Mike is safe. C'Bosox is safe. And now, Katie and Andy Garcia stand together. And to the Bottom Three goes Katie Stevens... ha! The Lovely Steph Leann says, "Oh, he's safe and can go on the tour. I'm glad we don't go to those concerts."
And going back to the Couch of Comfort is Katie Stevens... The Lovely Steph Leann deadpans, "Yay."
Fast forward through commercials
Did you know that Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato are dating? They are here to sing a song from the Disney Green movement album, "Friends for Change." This was called "Make a Wave." Joe has cut his hair, Demi is wearing a chandelier on her finger.
Fast forward through Joe and Demi singing
Seacrest: So, Joe, you were in Dallas, and you saw Tim Urban audition! How do you think things are going?
Joe Jonas: Well, I guess not so good
Fast forward through commercials
We're back. Who's going home? Paige Miles. That was a foregone conclusion. The audience is groaning, but probably not because she's been eliminated, or because she is about to sing. Simon the Cowell just flat out tells her she is going home, even before she performs, as they won't be using the save at all.