Here we are on Tuesday night, ready to watch us some American Idol! Of course, your blogging host Dave is here, with my sidekick, The Lovely Steph Leann, water bottle in hand, shoes off and she's prepared to grab the blanket. The Covering Face Blanket.
Today, its the metropolis of... Omaha. Nebraska. Where we see a big chick wearing a shirt that says "I Beat Anorexia". Wow that was strange. And funny.
Paula's plane is delayed, so tonight, for now, we only have Randy and Simon, and up first is a young dude, Chris, singing "Cold Hearted Snake". He sthort of havth a lispth too. Stephanie is mumbling under her breath about how miserable this guy is.
This Chris guy is giving all of them gifts, including a photo album of himself with Kelly Clarkson. He's tearing up about how much he's been waiting for this opportunity... so, Steph Leann didnt even have the blanket on, but she immediately, instinctively grabbed it... not only do we have a blanket on the face, we also get a "Make it stop!!" from under the blanket! Now that's the double!
This might be the most annoying contestant I've ever seen. Ever.
Simon tells him--after Chris decides to audition for the "red carpet spot" at the finale--to call the local Fox affiliate and tell them that Simon said he wants Chris reporting for the finale. Some producer is on the phone right now, freaking out... "That effing Cowell! You tell him that he doesn't call the shots!"
Jason from Stout, Iowa, is here to audition. Unlike Chris, this guy seems like a nice guy. And with the teaser before commerical, it showed this guy saying "oh, gosh, I blew it" and Simon saying, "You blew it". And here he is, nice guy, blowing his shot. Singing Keith Whitley, he can't remember the words. Finally... he gets "try as they may, they can never explain" which gets him to the chorus. And it gets him a chance to go to Hollywood!
Hey... Paula is here! And here's a "forgotten lyrics" montage, with karaoke lines of what they forget... its important to note that most of the montages are actually filmed in front of the early round judges, and not Simon, Randy & Paula, but they do show shots of dazed looks by Simon, Randy and Paula.
Rachel comes out, who brags about wrestling with her brothers. "Is she a guy?" Steph Leann asks. When Rachel and Ryan arm wrestle, Steph Leann pipes up, "Look at Ryan's guns!!"
But lo, and behold, Rachel can sing! She's tossing out some Lee Ann Womack, and I loves me some Lee Ann Womack. And she gets on to Hollywood!
Sidebar: Lee Ann Womack's "I May Hate Myself in the Morning" is one of the greatest country ballads ever. Ever ever.
Gothic Sarah, who was a professional wrestler at one time, is ready to audition. And she's freakin' scary. And she sings about as well as I thought she might... and I was right.
Samantha, 22, is ready to audition. She's as cute as a button, so I hope she does well... "Don't Know Why" by Norah Jones is her song. Yay! She's going to Hollywood!!
Here's a montage of people who not only can sing, but made it to Hollywood! Including one girl who says "I am America's Next Top Model.. um (laughter)"
Heartwarming story alert! Angelica is from Wisconsin, coming here with family strife. A father and a daughter's relationship is helped by American Idol.... awwwwww...
She's tackling Celine's "Power of Love", and Angelica has a decent voice. Like her or not, Celine's got some pipes and can blow some notes. The judges are telling her that she's mimicking Celine, and not giving her own performance. And yet, she gets Hollywood!
They are showing clips of Daughtry (good album, by the way), so now here comes the flurry of mohawked, bearded, mulleted, gothic, jean ripped, long haired, soul patched, goteed, multi-color haired rockers. First up is David, a bartender musician (of course), and he's taking on Bon Jovi. Dangerous, because Steph Leann loves her some Bon Jovi. He pulls it off, and gets to Hollywood.
Up next is the next James Brown, or so he says. The west Asian James Brown named Johnny and...
...Paula just hiccuped...
...Johnny is singing... or shouting... or butchering "Shout" (as in, "you know it makes me wanna..." not "shake it up baby now, twist and..."). And it was freakin' terrible. Sorry KT, "freakin'" is the only word I can use.
Bad montage! Strangely, singing Stealer's Wheel's "Stuck in the Middle With You"... including some chick with a freaky tattoo between her boobsies.
And finally... Leo Marlowe. From Charla, Iowa, and he's singing "A Song for You". Steph Leann perks up, as she does anytime a Carpenters connection is made, and he sings it nicely. All three yesses, and he cries.
Tomorrow night... we hear the line "Skinny boys are so sexy", straight from Miami Florida...
AAAAAANDDDD We're Back!!
Plausibly, not even close to being, live from Miami! Its even got a quaint Miami Vice opening theme... 10,000 people wait in a long line, one that resembles DeuceFest Tre in 2002 (when Edgar's Crust was headlining)...
With the opening theme of "Rhythm's Gonna Get You" from one of the best singers EVER, Glorida Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine, we see the people standing in the hot, scorching sun, shaking their jelly, clapping along and dancing around.
Paula shows up in a very short dress, to which Simon says "Very slutty". In 1992, I would been all about it... now? Not so much.
Shannon is first, and she's from Okeechobee, FL! I love Okeechobee! I'm originally from Orlando, FL, so I got love for the state. Shannon's secret talent? She belches. On command.
"Crybaby" from Janis Joplin is what she's attempting to screech out... Steph Leann is laying on the couch, and she actually looks frightened. Like, seriously. Or sad. I'm not sure which. Maybe both. Needless to say, Shannon gets no ticket to Hollywood, and even jumps in with another song unprompted.
Robby is a long haired former boy band guy, who has taken the rocker road. We don't recognize the song, but he's not too bad on it. He's going to Hollywood, and being doused with Silly String as soon as he walks out the door.
Zamfir the Pan Flutest came in... as a part of a bad-singing-males montage, complete with a "they &#^&ed up by not picking me!"
Here comes Latin Lover Ghaleb in the door... he kind of reminds me of Roberto the Guatelmalan Love Machine, a guy I knew in college who earned his reputation--no, KT, I didn't make that up.
Latin Lover Ghaleb busts out some warbely Marc Antony, and I think Paula is trying to figure out how to give Ghaleb her room key. She walks up and gives him a hug, and he kisses her like, four times. Oooh she wants you, I dont know if she needs you, but oooh she's dying to find out....
Britany and Corliss, two big chicks, who love to sing... they are walking around, flirting with all the guys, and Corliss is now singing to Randy... I'm totally weirded out. Despite that... I like this chick. She's singing some classic Etta, Billie or something. Actually, I loved that. Wow...
Brittany is singing Mary Wells' "My Guy" and she's good too... though I liked Corliss better. They both get trips to Hollywood... and one mobs Simon and the other mobs Randy. And they are about to bust out and rob Fruit Booty Ryan... which is exactly what just happened.
Heartwarming story alert!! Suzanne, 21, lives in Clearwater, FL, and is a single mom. She took voice training, so she has to be good, right? Right? She's got greeeeeat hair, no matter the outcome. "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt is her audition song, one of those "so sad, why don't you just kick me in the crotch, darn it" kind of songs.
And she gets a ticket to Hollwood... I like it when Heartwarming Story Alerts get the golden ticket. Makes me heart.... warmed.
Ryan does a throwback to Jasmine Trias, from Season Three, who apparently had an album go platinum in the Philippines. Ramiele is a short girl from Malibu, Asian, and attempting some Aretha. She's like, four feet tall, and blew it away. Of course, realize that to go platinum in the United States, you have to sell 1 million copies. In the Philippines, you have to sell 30,000 copies.
We're onto the next day, with Syesha (Sigh-ee-shah) up first today. She's pretty, and got some cool afro hair. Oh... and another Heartwarming Story Alert, this one involving a father who had a drug problem. Singing Aretha's "Think", she's got a huge voice. I call it... Syesha will be in the final 24, and probably to the finals.
Natashia sings "At Last" and does it well... and off to Hollywood. Ilsy sings some song I've never heard, and does it well... and off to Hollywood. I like Ilsy, and the name Ilsy... Ilsy Dollar. Hmm... what about LaIlsy? D'Ilsy? Hmmm...
And here's another crap montage... a dude should never, ever sing Whitney. And anyone named Fabienne Hyppolite should never sing. Hyppolite? Possibly 1/3 less calories than the regular hyypo?
Richard is singing "God Bless the Broken Road"... and Steph Leann loves her some Rascal Flatts, and not only do we get blanket on the face, not only do we get a "Make it stop!!", we get a hand on the face too... the triple threat. That's how bad Richard is.
So, back in 2003, Fox put out a show called American Junior, a "junior" version of American Idol. So, there's a chick who was 12 on that show... Julie is back, four years later, taking on Idol. Julie looks... well, cocky. Arrogant, really. I don't think I'd like to hang out with her, and she really doesn't look 16.
Julie is trying out "Me & Bobby McGee"... and I don't think its very good... she's over-rehearsed, over-acting, possibly over-singing... and she gets a no from everyone. And... she starts singing unprompted. Then argues with the judges. Paula actually gets it right... "no one ever said no to her." And to dump a bucket of salt onto the papercut, they have audio of her at 12 singing "Rainy Days and Mondays" from American Junior while showing her being all upset, mad, frustrated and talkin' some smack.
I didn't wanna say nothing, but that ain't right...
Here comes the obligatory "we've been showing you the teasers the whole night, so stick around for this!" contestant. And its Brandon, running through the room, making a fool of himself, singing "I'll Make Love To You." He actually snaps and points to God. And then starts singing. And his jacket comes of. And he thrusts. And I dry heaved just now. And he sings a song he made up. This is his Now.
Simon says, "Can I put a stop to this?" to which Steph Leann pipes up quickly, "Please do!!"
Finally, a montage of the 17 who get the ticket, out of 10,000... and then the ones who have the tears flowing from being rejected.
Next week? A girl who says "I just said doo doo American Idol!" then giggles silly. And thats why we watch...