Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Idol '08... Week 2 (Updated!!)

Scroll down for new American Idol recaps, this of Week 2!!

Coming to you live, from the Casa de Pesos (the old home of the Dollars) for one of the last times... soon, we'll be at The Cabana (the new home of the Dollars).

Tonight, The Lovely Steph Leann is curled up in the big, fluffy chair with a blanket, ready to cover her face in terror, and beside me sits my own little sister Ashley... here's the show from San Diego.

Tetiana sings "Someone to Watch Over Me", and she's not bad. She looks like a Russian model. Simon says, "I don't think you are as good as you think you are... you're good, but you'll never be great." Doesn't matter, she's on to Hollywood.

Perry, a 27 year old father from Arizona, looks like he's one of my people. Mexico Rules! He's on tv with his son... both Ashley and I thought he was a girl. Perry sings "I'll Make Love to You" by Boyz II Men... I've often wondered if Mexican Idol has an extreme amount of people singing La Bamba and Marc Anthony like people sing Kelly Clarkson and Celine here. Perry makes it to heaven... "Look at Paula, she wants him," says Ashley.

Michael Johns (never trust anyone with two first names) is singing an unfamiliar Otis Redding song... both Steph Leann and Ashley says, "what is that song?" When Simon says, "You're like a white soul singer..." Ashley pipes up and says, "Like Rick Astley!!"

Its worth noting that Little Sister just picked up Rick Astley's greatest hits for her birthday.... which includes all three of his hits, and 14 more songs that no one has ever heard of.

Oh boy... here comes one who says people compare her to Mariah Carey. She's obsessed with Mariah... which in 1995 was understandable, but now is like idolizing a crack whore. Valerie says she likes to sit at home and laugh at people who can't sing on the show... so of course... do I even need to say it? We have our first Steph Leann face covering of the night...

There's a guy in a sombrero and a mime on tv. Umm...

Here's another duo, one in the "elfth care bidness" (he said it, not me) and another who's a nurse... anyway, this is going to end badly. And we have a Whitney! The first of the year!! Steph Leann and Ashley just look at each other with blank stares. And, she sings Mariah next, unprompted!

Her buddy, Christopher, also kills some Whitney, and drags her home. And keeps going, unprompted... what a pair! "MAKE IT STOP!!!" The Lovely Steph Leann screams into her blanket, which is covering her face. And he goes on to sing Shai! So, in our two freaks of nature, we've covered A, B, E and J out of our American Idol rules!

We see a montage of those who love Paula, Randy, even Ryan, and finally, Samantha, who thinks Simon is totally hot. With her sister sitting in Simon's lap (you really just have to watch it, I guess), Samantha takes on some Aretha, and gets it going on. It helps she's kinda hot too, actually.

And here we find Blake, who has auditioned in 10 cities since season 3... because he has a mom who is obsessed with Blake making American Idol's Hollywood round. Actually, I think he has a mom who is obsessed with Blake making it as an American Idol so she can get rich too. He didn't make it. I'm sure he'll be back again.

The montage of people who can't sing... and are crying...

Alberto, who looks like Hurley from LOST, is a big, fat flower child, with daisies behind his ears, fingernails that are long and have never been cut, and as Ashley has just said, "...is an effeminate hippy." He's singing his own song called "Live"... I'm expecting him to say "this is my now." For anyone who didn't get that joke, you'd have to go back to last season, which isn't recommended. He's crying into his mothers arms. What a pansy... Steph Leann says, "I don't think he had a daddy..." to which I responded, "Or kissed a girl."

Oh boy... the show's heartwarming story, this one named David, 16, who previously suffered from vocal paralysis. He could have surgery, but it would not allow him to sing, ever. So he's let himself recover over time. But he's all better now... singing John Mayer's "Waiting for the World to Change", he fumbles the lyrics. He's not bad, and Randy even tosses in some harmony. Paula is just delighted, by the way, and stops just shy of saying "I'm in room 244, the door will be unlocked, sweetie." Let's hope she doesn't have a Mary Kay Letourneau bone about her...

And finally... here's Carly, who auditioned in 2005 and was picked to go to Hollywood. She was disqualified because being from Ireland, she was waiting for her visa. Two seasons later, she's back with full papers. And she's taking on Whitney... "I'm Every Woman", specifically. Actually, she's not bad, though Simon wasn't impressed. And she's going back to Hollywood!

That's the first night of American Idol... night two of week two, coming atcha tomorrow!

Here we are, The Lovely Steph Leann and her blue blanket, curled up on the couch, I in my snowman pajama pants and blogging, ready to let you know whats going on...

We got one guy who's wife just had her water break... its good that he sees his baby is more important than Idol.

Now we got Rashard, who calls himself the Black Clay Aiken... he says he "ree-sides" in Charleston, to which Steph Leann has quoted about nine times, laughing each time. It might be the big 'fro that Rashard has going on... Steph Leann and Randy both said, "Its a little over the top..." and then Steph Leann adds, "He ree-sides."

Deanna, a waitress from Albemarle, NC, is here... she's trying to follow in the footsteps of Kellie Pickler, who is also from Albemarle, but is nowhere near as hot as Pickles. Let's face it... like McPhee, Pickles is freakin' hot. Perhaps a little stupid, but hot. Deanna is country, with a potty mouth She's singing.... wait, yelling... "Fancy". "My nayme is De Anna, and thats why I spayl my nayme with a cap-tul A, so people don't call me Deanna, its De Anna."

By the way, Pickles in the video "Red High Heels"? Hot. DeAnna auditioning just now? Not hot.

And there's two people who met on the American Idol message board. He gives auditioning tips to people on the board, she was smitten with him immediately, and they met by a trashcan outside the hall where the auditions are held. Randy and Crystal. Randy is singing an Andy Griggs song. And the guy giving audition tips on the message board is terrible... and it gets worse when Crystal jumps in. The Lovely Steph Leann and I look at each other with wide eyes.

Here comes Big Poppa, Jeffery, and his little sister Michelle. And Big Poppa is pretty big ("Is he gay?" Steph Leann asks after watching him dance around). Michelle ain't little either. They are doing in a weird Donny & Marie duet, this one to Celine & R. Kelly's "I Like 'Em Young and Fourteen"... wait, that's just R. Kelly's song... Celine and R sing "I'm Your Angel". And they both get to go to Hollywood, the first people of the show.

The obligatory montage of bad singers, all singing "Before He Cheats", including one guy who says "this pretty little four piece four piece drive" and another who says "I'm gonna skip this verse but go to the next verse where it says..."

Next up is Amy Catherine ("Amy... Amy Catherine... AC... what-ev..." she says), who is in STARS, Students Teaching and Respecting Sexuality, a group that promotes abstinance. This sounds good on paper... but they let her talk. And she sounds like a goober. Unfortunately, cause its a good message. Anyway, here comes some Xtina! "Reflections", of course. That's the one they all do. AC is cute as a button... buuuuuuttttt... Steph Leann and I are both on the fence. Paula says yes. Randy says yes. And even Simon says yes. I didn't expect that. Randy tells AC to give Ryan the abstinance speech.

Heartwarming story alert! London spent much of her time taking care of her ill father... cancer took Daddy, so now she's pursuing her dreams. London... I like that. London Dollar. How come everytime you comin' round my London, London Dollar going down like London, London, London... maybe LaLondon? D'London? I'll work on Steph Leann.

Oh, she's singing, and its not bad. Its a Billie Holliday song. And she's through to Hollywood!

Lindsay is in the Air Force, and she flies C17 planes, which are longer than a football field. That's awesome... she might be my favorite, if she's any good. She's got great eyes, but her teeth are all weird. Here comes "Black Velvet" by Alannah Myles, who's own real contribution to the music world is that she has a mainstay audition song on American Idol. Seriously, when was the last time you heard "Black Velvet" in its entirety? Alannah Myles song "Love Is" is ten times better. And Lindsay gets a no.

And here comes a chick named Aretha, who's Steph Leann's first comment about was, "Oh my gaww.... her boobs are huge..." to which I responded, "Well, yeah, her boobs were on time, but she was five minutes late." She's singing "I Have Nothing" by Whitney--and stumbles over the lyrics. And truly, the phrase "I Have Nothing" is ironic from this chick. Simon says, "You murdered that song," to which Aretha contests that "I have a beautiful voice, I can sing!" And here comes the argument "I heard the people you gave a ticket to and I'm better than that!!" Her boobs just left, but she's still walking out.

Here comes another dude completely butchering Jennifer Hudson's version of "And I Am Telling You I Am Not Going" (the one that goes "...you're gonna looooovveee.... meeeeee!!!"). Our judges say no, and Joshua says, "This show is fake and rigged, cause I can sing!" then he walks out and tells Ryan "They done said that ary-one in South Carolina sucks and cain't sing, and since they cut me, they ain't gonna have the best artisses..."

I was going to make a funny joke comparing Joshua's artisses with the chick who wanted to go into actressing, but I couldn't remember her name... I asked Steph Leann, and she looked up and said, "Oh, I dunno... I blocked that." (her name is Alexis... I had to look it up)

One girl walks out crying, "Randy said I sounded like a Disney character," to which Steph Leann says, "I wouldnt have said that... Disney characters sound much better than that."

Here comes Oliver, who's wife just had a baby! He's singing "Get Here" by Oleta Adams, a fantastic song, and not doing too badly--mind you, thats a hard freakin' song to sing. He's a little warbly and got a falsetto going on, but he's not bad. He's not great. And he didn't get to Hollywood, but he still has his wife and little Emma Grace in tow.

And that's American Idol... I think we have another week or two for auditions, then the round of 24. And of course, we'll be there!

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