Wednesday, January 16, 2008

The American Idol Audition Checklist, Part II

Its night two of the first week of 2008 American Idol! Remember our rules, right? And its back to Dallas, TX, home to Kelly Clarkson, the American Idol #1. So says White Fruit Booty Ryan Seacrest (thats a joke from last season, fyi. I just like typing 'white fruit booty').

There's actually a chick who went into labor while waiting in line. From the looks of that line, she might have carried the kid through a full third tri-mester, then went into labor.

Single, former meth addict Jessica, mother of two, and apparently a Pro-activ user, is up first with a backstory, complete with an anecdote of singing "Jesus Take the Wheel" (by American Idol Carrie Underwood) during a recovery group session. Holy crap, Idol, PLEASE let this chick be good.

Taking on the Pretenders, she... is... good. Whew. And we have the first "pitchy" of the year, from Randy Jackson.

Next up... White guy. Redneck. Fat. Dancing. Never a good sign. Bad, bad times. The Lovely Steph Leann is hiding her eyes and sighing. And the guy is talking. And both The Lovely Steph Leann and I are hiding our eyes. He's singing... no, wait, talking with a broken tone... "Waiting for You" by Elliott Yamin. And for the first time of the night, and certainly for not the last, we have a "Make it stop..." from The Lovely Steph Leann.

Beth Maddox is hoping to be the next Kelly Clarkson. She's a singing waitress at a fondue restaurant, and she says she's been compared to Kelly. I think the mirror in our guest bathroom just shattered, and I have no clue what she was singing. She's trying "Beautiful Disaster", though I don't know how beautiful it was. Not very.

After a montage of terrible auditions, including some classic Shai, here comes Alaina doing some Faith Hill. And 16 year old Alaina makes it look easy... but Simon says, "I don't think you are as good as you think you are". Alaina say, "Really? Shoot." But she makes it Hollywood, amidst the squeals of her loved ones outside, while the country music plays outside.

Gregory and Mia Tobias. I have no idea what they are doing. But Simon, Randy and The Lovely Steph Leann are wide eyed in amazement, perhaps because of how horrendous that was, perhaps because no one has shot these people yet.

Bruce, 19, is ready... he's in line. With his dad. He's never kissed a girl. He's never had "relations". He wears a key around his neck. Which matches a heart that his father is wearing... his father will give that heart necklace to this kid's future bride. Simon says, "Why?" He's trying one of my Top 20 Favorite Songs of All Time, "Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers, and almost does it, but not quite. He hits Rule C.

You knew this would end badly because "Right Here Waiting" by Richard Marx in the background.

Pia has a mohawk, and is trying to bust up some Gladys Knight... and wails. This chick has style, even with the mohawk. And she's through.

Brandon, 21 from Mississippi (your first clue), has a hobby. A collection, you might say. In a bag, he saves his clipped fingernails. Like, thousands of them. Clipped fingernails. He keeps them in a bag in his pocket. Ah... and we have the Rule I! He wants to be a positive voice for the world! And he's even singing Hall & Oates, and doing it decent justice. She's a rich girl, and its gone to far, cause you know it don't matter anyway... Simon says no, Paula says yes, Randy says yes too... so Brandon (finger)nailed it, and is headed to Cali! (Ryan just made the same joke, after I did)

I'm noticing lots and lots of young mothers in this city... Kayla Dawn Hatfield, 24 (who looks 45) has a heartwarming story about a car wreck, trapping her in the car, and ended up having to have reconstructive surgery on her face. So that's why she looks 45. I feel about 4.5 inches tall. And when Kayla Dawn Hatfield starts singing Janis Joplin, The Lovely Steph Leann not only sat up, she slapped me. She's just so darn happy and fun, and grateful to be alive... and Simon says... yes? What? And Paula says no? Simon is pleading Kayla Dawn's case... what the heck American Idol? Randy says yes, Kayla Dawn is going to Hollywood, The Lovely Steph Leann is perplexed and I'm going to go light myself on fire.

Another bad montage... and finally, we have a Celine butchering! By a white fat guy, no less! Then someone who tortures Aretha! That's Rule E!! This means, of course, we have a great voice coming up soon. And here comes Kady Malloy, 18, from Malloy, TX, who does vocal impressions, and is nailing Britney (the music, not the shaved head, panty-less freak out). I like the name "Kady". Kady Dollar. How about LaKady? D'Kady? Hmmm....

Anyway, she was really good. And Simon says "The best so far this year"

Train Wreck Alert. That would be Douglas, 28, from Austin. He read an article by Christina Aguilera about singing, then starts going into this rambling thing about his father hating him and... I don't even know. "Living On a Prayer" by Bon Jovi. I only mentioned that in case you wanted to know what that evil, terrible sound was. The Lovely Steph Leann's response? "Make it stop." She even just whispered it. And Rule J just happened.

(the low, pleading, whispering voice behind me) "...make it stop... please..."

Angela Riley just got married. But Riley isn't her new name, but she kept Riley to sing with. Chad's her hubby. Chad picks up "Baby Love" for Angela Riley to sing. The Lovely Steph Leann says, "She's like... show choir". I would have never picked that up, but that's why I keep her around.

Chad then picks "Hit Me With Your Best Shot", and Randy and Paula says "Fire away!". Angela does. There's a halogen lamp right behind our television. I'm thinking that Angela looks about as smart as that lamp. I would say bright, but the lamp is on, and I don't want you to get the wrong idea. And Chad holds her as she cries down the stairs.

Not only can Kyle sing, he has good character, and just busted out Rule I. Or so, he says. And he also says he wants to be the governor of Oklahoma. He's apparently a politician at heart... and he's got to be better than Hillary or Obama. There's a halogen lamp right behind our television. I'm thinking that lamp would be better than Hillary or Obama.

Kyle is trying out "Somebody to Love" by Queen. So... both The Lovely Steph Leann and myself are a little... shocked. We actually didn't expect this guy to be decent. And Simon says, "You weren't as bad as I thought you would be. Yes to Hollywood". Wha...? Randy says no, but Paula says yes, and I looked at Steph with a "what the heck just happened?"


...huh? what?....

....sorry, I just dozed off. This chick Tammy is on tv talking and... she's a contestant and... she's got the most monotone voice ever... she says she's singing "Power of Love" by Celine, but starts with "If You Asked Me To", and yes, as a guy, I knew that right off. Tammy's expressiveness extends to her arms moving about four inches to the left and right, and her hands moving in tiny circles. Tammy is... just so... blah. Like, a cure for insomnia, like CSPAN or something.

Colten Swon, a musician, busts up some Little Big Town, and heck, I like this guy. He sounds like the lead in a group like... well, Little Big Town. And his name is Colten. That's a great name, but only if you are in Texas. LaColten. D'Colten. Maybe not. And he goes to Hollywood.

There's a transvestite trying out. I'm not sure I have a joke here. And then a fat guy in a dress singing Bonnie Tyler.

Here's Drew from Satillo, Mississippi. And he's a farmer. "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy" is playing while Drew is haulin' the hay, and sangin'. I like this guy... I really hope he's good. He's like a manly Garrett from last year.

Here comes some George Strait. The Lovely Steph Leann just smacked me, saying "Wow, that's tone!" Simon says no, Randy says yes, and Paula... she says yes too. I think Drew might be one of my favorites so far.

Another Daughtry spawn, Kyle, who wears eyelin... I mean, guyliner, sounds like a gruff chick. He's a counselor from Illinois, and he has a poster with his counseled kids. This might be creepy, but I'm not sure. He's singing Kelly's "Never Again", which would be my answer if The Lovely Steph Leann asked me when I would want to hear Kyle sing. And here's Rule J, once again.

Yet another terrible montage, this one with a whole bunch of people that shouldn't be singing singing "Since U Been Gone". Simon says "I now officially hate that song."

Nina Shaw, from Burleson, TX, home of Kelly Clarkson, walks in. Finally, some Whitney! Nina is singing "Run to You", one of my top Whitney songs, and it wasn't bad. But it wasn't great. She then sings Nina Simone, and that gets a yes from Randy and Paula, but a no from Simon.

They've been showing the clips of this little Asian dude in a cape and a crazy white get up for the entire show (including the teaser for tonight on last night's show), and finally, here he comes. This is a producer's dream, really. "I wan audition bee caz this is preeve-ledge. I want American Idol to geeve hope to people in deesparr" I didn't make that up, KT, I promise.

The Lovely Steph Leann says "Freak in silver cape coming down the hall". This is Rule A, times 45 BILLION. He's singing an "Ar-iginal campo-zishun... we're brudders for aver". Renaldo is 44, and is more understandable when he's singing then when he's talking.

When Paula mocks you, its over. And when Simon joins in, its really over. William Hung 2.0. Randy actually goes to get Ryan from the hallway, then asks Renaldo to sing again. And he's singing--and has been--the same four lines over and over and over. What has more talent this Renaldo? I can't think of anything!!

Well, there is this halogen lamp behind our television...

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