Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Wednesday Night in Idolotry (live updating)

Alright... at church earlier, but now I am here, VCR playing, woman watching with me... scroll down for the chicks...

8 guys left in American Idol, only 6 manly spots in the Finals, so its time to hear them again, and kick out the 2 that just don’t have it. Who will become the next Matt Rogers, the next Julia Damato, the next Amy Adams as the person who gets kicked off within the first few weeks of the finals?

Blake Lewis is first, revealing something about himself that America doesn’t know… apparently he’s a comedy fan, showing us a redneck character called Jimmy. It kinda sounds like Ace Ventura’s & Firemarshall Bill’s love child.

He’s singing a song that I vaguely remember, that sounds kinda familiar… hmm… it’s not bad, whatever it is. He tosses in his beatbox effortlessly, making it actually sound easy, and it blends really well into the song. Randy thought it was hot, and he didn’t recognize the song. Paula loved it, and didn’t know the song. Simon says, “I didn’t understand a word you said… but you stand out.” How can you not like Blake Lewis. The band is 311, the song is… I have no clue.

Ryan informs us that after the break, we’ve got John Mayer and Pearl Jam from Punjab and Sundance… I’m not sure if that’s respectively, and I’m not sure if I want it to be… or don’t want it to be… I’m confused.

Punjab's revelation? He can hula, like in Hawaii. Um... I'm not sure I have a joke here.

He's singing John Mayer' "Waiting for the World to Change." A few things... I think as time goes by, "No Such Thing" will be considered a brilliant song. Because... well, it just is. Much better than that "Daughter" crap. Another thing... John Mayer's hair is out of control. Finally, when he sings, he looks like he's going to eat the microphone.

I say all this to avoid looking at Punjab, who is like an Indian version of Pat from SNL. Randy didn't like it, wondering what happened to the Sanjaya who auditioned with a fantastic Stevie Wonder tune. Matter of fact, my pal Lauri at Starbucks and I were wondering the same thing. Simon didn't like it, and told him he had Paula hair. Ha!!

Big Sundance is up, telling us that he's thin in real life, wearing a fat suit for TV. Funny. He's taking on "Jeremy" from P...

...wait, wait, wait a minute... what did he just say? (rewinding tape twenty seconds)

...okay, phew. The line actually is "...clearly I rememer picking on the boy, seemed a harmless little f--k", and Sundance tossed in the wod "punk". Had me fooled. Anyway, it's Pearl Jam. Is this one word or two? PearlJam? Pearl Jam? Was the band really named for Eddie Vedder's grandmama Pearl's homemade jam? I need to know this stuff. Has there ever been a rock star who has taken himself more seriously than Vedder? Except for maybe Bono?

Camera pans to the band, they are jamming--and rightly so... this is a jamming song. The song actually sounded like a garage band. Randy liked the Southern rock feel to it. Paula enjoyed the "sundance groove", whatever the crap that is. Simon says he went from charming last week to bar singer this week.

Simon then adds, "Sounds like you were shouting the song," to which both myself and Randy, at the exact time, responds, "have you heard Pearl Jam?"

Is it just me, or is Will Ferrill planning on going through fifteen movie genres with the same schtick? News. Check. NASCAR. Check. Skating. Check.

Ryan just introduced us to Travis Tritt sitting in the audience. I mean, he hasn't had a hit in what, ten years, but "Country Club", "T-R-O-U-B-L-E" and "The Whiskey Ain't Workin" (with Marty Stuart) is fine, fine good country music. For my money, you can't get more guilty pleasure out of much than you can with "Anymore" (and its schlockly video with him in a wheelchair at a military vet hospital)... and for you young folk, Travis Tritt sang the song that coined the phrase "Here's a Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares".

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He's a member of a country club... country music is what he loves... he drives an old Ford pickup truck... does his drinking from a dixie cup...

Final Travis Tritt thought... I imagine Quincy Jones sitting at home with his biz-nitches, furious that some white punk fruit booty like Ryan Seacrest cut him off a few weeks ago when he was trying to promote "The Color Purple", and here he is giving screen time to redneck hillbilly Trittin' Travis, or whatever, to promote his album. "Hey ho! Gimme the number for Al Sharpton! I'll have that Ryan Seabass paying reparations faster than you can say 'George Bush hates black people'!"

And if you think all of that was just to use the phrase "fruit booty", well... you're right.

Chris Richardson played football in college. Um... so? What the heck with all the songs I don't know?

Okay, one minute in, and I'm bored. Close-ups make him look like a welfare state Justin Timberlake. Randy loved the song. Paula loved it. Simon? He thought it was good. Cutesy. Nasally.

Jared Cotter played Division II college basketball. All together now... So?

Still trying to place his song, but I am enjoying his Cosby sweater. Ah, it's a Stevie song... "If You Really Love Me"... Jared is thisclose to having a unibrow. Okay, so while Paula is actually criticizing Jared (after Randy liked him), Simon has that "will you just shut up" look on his face, kinda like Scott Latta gets when he's watching a Tommy Tuberville news conference or Michael Nipp gets when Ty starts talking about his Bob Riley parties.

However... Simon agrees with Paula, amazingly.

Ryan Seabass (don't you love it when bloggers revel in thier own jokes?) tells us either Phil Stacey or Brandon Rogers is going to sing Leann Rimes. Wow, I can't wait. Dripping with sarcasm. This means, of course, that Fro' Patro' is last, which is really the cherry spot in the whole show.

After commercial, Ryan is asking Phil and Brandon about the show, and Brandon is discussing not holding anything back (channeling Dan Fouts, a la the Bourbon Bowl, I believe).

Brandon reveals to us that he's a classical piano player. See, that's a good fact--not "I played college ball". I can totally see him as an Amos Lee or John Legend type entertainer. And from the fact he's busted up with "I Just Want to Celebrate", we can safely assume he's not covering Leann Rimes tonight.

Except for the ending, Randy liked it. Paula says "feeeeee-nominal". Simon says he's nervous for Brandon this week after that song.

Phil Stacey tells us that he wasn't always bald... in college, he had long hair, but had to cut it short for a band he was in... and ended up just shaving it. I only go into this much detail, because the college was Lee University, and Matt & Ginger Latta and Leslie Cordellsworth knows/knew him. Just thought it was worth a mention.

And yes, Phil is singing "I Need You" from Leann Rimes. Maybe its just me, but his outfit, his weird hat, the song, the spin he's putting on the song, and that deep voice he's putting on a song I'm used to hearing Leann sing... well, its strange.

Randy compared Phil to Steve Perry from Journey, but only in the sense he has good high range. Paula says, "Odd choice of song." Simon agrees with me... hat, outfit, voice.

And finally, Chris Sligh, who tells us that he had short hair once. And he's busting out with "We All Wanna Be Loved"... I only know the dcTalk version from the "Supernatural" album... was that a remake? Am I a musical moron? How did I miss this?

I think Chris is taking good care of the song, as in, doing quite well with it. He even does the Bo-Bice-Grabbing-The-Mic-Stand thing. Randy says, "Not a stellar night for the guys, but you get the vocal prize", while Paula says "middle of the road." She's almost kinda mean tonight. Simon didn't like the middle of the song.

Okay, so Chris just said that its not a well known song, so maybe he did just do dcTalk... I can't find my copy of "Supernatural" to check the credits. While you are looking up the Pearl Jam/PearlJam thing, let me know this too.

So that's your guys night.


Ryan Seabass is wearing a Kris Dekker turtleneck, and it seems Paula is missing. Check the mini-bar.

Ah, the tap has run out... Paula is sitting between Randy and Simon... and when Simon said "she was under the desk", Randy makes a bad sex joke...

Jordin Sparks up first, revealing she likes football. And she's taking on Pat Benatar! The thingI love about Pat Benatar is that she's one of those artists that you don't realize how many cool songs she had until you start hearing them... "Love is a Battlefield", "Heartbreaker", "HitM Me With Your Best Shot", and of course, "Invincible", the theme to the immortal movie "The Legend of Billie Jean"... then it dawns on you, she was freakin' awesome.

Jordin here was doing great until she hit rough note that made Steph's face scrunch. And she hit it again (my face just scrunched). Not bad... good rockin song. Dare I say pitchy?

Steph, doing her Randy impression, says "you're hot!". Randy said "pitchy" but was excited, as was Paula. Simon said "shreiky and manic", but he kinda liked it. Maybe its the heels, but she has at least two inches on Ryan.

Sabrina Sloan is up now, possibly my 2nd favorite. She tells America that she wanted to be Katie Couric... finally, something fun!

Uh oh... she's taking on En Vogue's "Hold On (don't let go)", a big comeback song for them back in 97 after they were so popular in the early 90s. The comeback didn't last, because this one song was it. I always liked the first line of the chorus, where it says "Whatcha gonna be, I can't pretend, oh...", cause I like to sing "whatcha gonna be, I play Nintendo..." It works, and its fun to say.

Randy uses "you did your thing" and "wrong song choice" phrases, while Paula tosses some sunshine her way. Simon agrees with Randy. He also suggests personality, saying her song sounded like a hotel resort performance.

Antonella is a violinist. And an internet soft core porn star. Ha! I can't place the song she's singing, Steph asks if it's from a commercial. I'm totally rooting for her to bomb, so American can kick her happy tail to the curb... ah, its Corinne Bailey Rae, and I'm afraid she's actually decent tonight. Crapola.

Randy liked the Corinne "joint". Randy tells her that she should have more confidence, thogh can you blame her with the beating these three have given her the last few weeks? Paula says "right song choice" but cautions her on range. Simon is speechless, finally saying "you've gone as far as you can go... your surrounded by better singers". He even commends her on handling herself with the media, but ends up saying "I wish you were better".

After Antonella, Simon and Ryan go back and forth, Paula wants us to all to get to a warmer place. Um... next singer?

With Stephanie, Jordin, Lakisha, Sabrina, Melinda, my love for Gina, the issues with Anhonella... I keep forgetting Haley Scarneto is in this show. She tells us she was a gymnast. She's singing... I have no clue.

Whatever it is, its getting her a plane ticket home tomorrow. "If My Heart Had Wings", maybe? She said that line, like, four times. Randy kinda liked it okay, but it was missing the "yo!" factor. Paula struggles to find sunshine to give her. Simon thought it was a horrible song, and then, channeling the brain of Yours Truly, he actually says "I don't think I know your name..." I feel ya.

Here comes Stephanie Edwards! My Steph and I were talking about who's going to make it, and I missed Steph-Ed' revealing of her "secret"... probably something stupid like "I like cheddar cheese".

My Steph asks what Steph-Ed is singing... I dunno. We're lamenting on the fact all these songs are foriegn to us. I liked the song... (its a Chaka Khan song)...

Randy says "just okay". Paula gives great sunny fluff. Simon agrees with Randy. I see her as a Latoya London-type singer. Randy says "Its good you like Chaka, but no one can do it like Chaka cause Chaka's already done it."

My Stephanie pipes up and says "But Whitney did it" (referring to "I'm Every Woman" from The Bodyguard), to which I replied "But that's Whitney" and she responds "Yeah, that's what I'm saying... you just have to do it better."

Which leads us to LaKisha (who is terrified of animals, apparently. All kinds. My Steph agrees... then adds "seriously, whoever heard of "I'm Every Woman" til Whitney did it. I mean, who's Chaka Khan?")

LaKisha is singing "I Have Nothing", again from The Bodyguard, one of the finest craptastic movies ever, and one of my favorite Whitney songs to sing in the car. She looks bigger in different outfits (Steph says "yeah, that's how that works"). Steph says "its alright... like Whitney". Randy says "another great performance." Paula loves her, saying "you don't have to run anywhere", and I think she just made a reference to the wrong Whitney Bodyguard song. Simon says "passion, talent, Yo..." Simon adds "... you look beautiful..." and Steph pipes in "gaw, what is she, a triple E or something?"

My homegirl Gina has lucky charms, including a stuffed animal name Pickle, a picture pillow and a troll charm. Sh's singi... no, she's rocking some Evanenaenanaence, or however you spell that band. Hey, I'm loving this... she's throwing down on "Wake Me When You're Sober". Halfway through it, though, she looks like she's out of breath... not good times.

Randy loved the rock, Paula agreed completely. This is who they thought she was. And Simon? He said she looked comfortable, finally, and really hopes she makes it through. And she gives a shout out to the band.

And finally, its Melinda Doolittle! She's partly OCD. I love her.

She's throwing down on the 70s soul classic "I'm A Woman", and I truly think she can win this competition. Loved the song, loved the peformance.

Randy says she was the hottest of the night. Paula pours a bucketful of sunshine on her head. Simon calls her a little tiger... she was fantastic...

I'm hoping we shed ourselves of An-ho-nella and Haley, but Stephanie figures Antonella will make it, pushing Gina, Jordin or Sabrina out (kinda like Ayla Brown was booted way too early for someone I don't even remember)

So, we're done here. Tomorrow... we talk American Idol... and the death of Captain America.

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