Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Idol's End

Here we are... the last night of Idol. And it's time for the running diary...

702pm... Out comes a dashing Carrie Underwood, followed by Taylor and My Girl Mcphee, then all the rest of the ousted Idols, all dressed in white. They are singing some crap that would be perfect to go with last night's crap, "My Destiny" and "Proud of Me"

703pm... Random Heather Locklear and Ben Stiller cameo. At least its not David Spade... how did that all happen?

705pm... A compilation of Randy Jackson's vocabulary, consisting of these words: "Dude", "yo" and "We got a hot one tonight" (not to be confused with "America! We got a hot one tonight!"). Paula's compilation is next, filled with kittens and cleavage. Finally, its Simon's turn. And its funny.

707pm... Todd Bridges again? Where's Gary Coleman??

708pm... A report from the BJCC, featuring ousted semi-finalist Becky O'Donahuge (sp?) and her twin... why them? Oh yippee... they are bringing back all the finalists to sing (gotta fill two hours somehow), and first is Annoying Paris (complete with her Patti LaBelle hair). She's singing with Al Jarreau, all in pimp gear.

712pm... Okay, so the Fed Ex commercial with the cavemen is on. I love this commercial... if only because the couldn't-care-less boss caveman grunts "Not my problem" when he fires the other caveman. The other caveman walks out, and gets stomped on by a dinosaur--but not before he kicks a small dinosaur. Classic. Almost as funny as that silly Geico commercial where the guy says "Its so easy, a caveman could do it". Cut to the dinner table at the swanky restaurant, where he's apologizing to the two caveguys. One orders "roast duck with the mango salsa", while the other says "I don't have much of an appetite, thank you". Then smirks. Classic.

7:15pm... Ah, its Idols with their Idols... which is why Daughtry is now singing with Live. I can't believe Ed Kowalcyzk agreed to this. You gotta think at the next Bonneroo, Live's cred is pretty much shot.

719pm... a Video called "Puck & Pickler", featuring Wolfgang Puck, the famous chef, and Pickles, who has cut her hair. I'm a big fan of short hair (re: Stephanie Dollar), but I liked Pickles with long hair. Anyway, Puck is teaching Pickles about famous, expensive food, as a result of the "didn't know what Calamari incident earlier this year. He's making her eat es cargo--snails--which she's resisting. I liked es cargo.

722pm... My Girl McPhee is singing a Celine Dion song with... no, not Celine. Meatloaf. Yes, that one. I'm not sure I even have a joke here.

723pm... Okay, now that I've regained my thoughts after seeing Meat Loaf and My Girl McPhee onstage singing "Its All Coming Back to Me Now" by Celine Dion, plus My Girl McPhee's dress, let me address this. The words "When you touch me like this..." sung to Meat Loaf is just weird. And creepy. Meat Loaf's hit in 1993, "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)" has a video that is almost exactly like "It's All Coming Back to Me Now".

724pm... You CANNOT convince me that Meat Loaf is My Girl McPhee's idol. No way. Oh, and apparently, he's got "Bat Out of Hell III" coming out. This is after the 1970s album "Bat Out of Hell", which spawned hits like "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights" and "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad", and 1993's "Bat Out of Hell II: Back Into Hell", which gave us the aforementioned "I Would Do Anything For Love". I wonder where the Bat is going in III?

730pm... A little clip called "The Golden Idol Awards". Steph said "Talk about filler...". Of course, its a mocking video... the first award is "Best Female Vocal", and they just showed Cierra Johnson, who was AWFUL in the auditions. Then Kristen Pryzkyzyyzky, who had the rugged suntan. And for "Male Vocal", there's Derek Dupree with pit stains the size of my head... and thats a big head.

735pm... And there's "Dancin'" Dave Hoover, the guy who just jumped and screamed all during the audition, and somehow got a golden ticket to Hollywood. He's jumping all over the stage. Ryan says "Bring on the mace"

740pm... More "Puck N Pickler". I have a feeling this will be a running gag through the show.

742pm... Here's Chicken Little, Bucky... Bucky... Elliott Yahmean, Daughtry and Steph's Man Ace with the Ace Hair all singing BTO's "Taking Care of Business". They didn't. Thats why Taylor is in the finals. Ha! Speaking of, here he comes, on the harmonica. Now they transition into "Tobacco Road", which only Bucky, Daughtry and Taylor look remotely comfortable singing.

744pm... Fleetwood Mac? If you look in the back of the Kodak Theater, you'll see the words conveniently on the teleprompter. Those Fox guys are so helpful.

750pm... Ryan just matter-of-factly handed My Girl McPhee and Taylor hands to new Ford Mustangs. You'd think they'd be more excited. Now, more Golden Idol Awards, this time "Proudest Family Moment". Elliott Yahmean's old mom wins. This leads to Elliott performing with... no one. He's singing "One" by U2. Don't tell me Bono is coming out.

753pm... Oh, here comes Mary J. Blige. Okay, so Idols performing with their own Idols is now not true. Currently, she's singing more of the song, as well as better, than Elliott. She's got his hand, pumping the fist, and making him look like one awkward white boy.

801pm... Hey, its Carrie Underwood, fresh off of 2 country awards. One for best new artist, one for "Jesus Takes the Wheel". She looks hot. And she's a Christian. Which means she's a righteous babe. Ha!

806pm... Hilarious little clip featuring Ronetta Johnson, and her very, very foul mouth. You had to see the original show back in January.

807pm... Taylor Hicks is singing "In the Ghetto" with Toni Braxton. Did they just draw who is singing with who out of a hat?

812pm... Shania Twain song alert! Here are all the chicks... Lisa Turtle, My Girl McPhee, Mandisa, Annoying Paris, Pickles and of course, Melissa "Does Anyone Know who I Am?" McGhee.

817pm... So, if next year, Alabama, or Birmingham specifically, has no connections to anyone in the Idol top 12, will this area even care about American Idol? I mean, we've had Ruben, Bo, even Diana--whom it was a stretch, but she did live her for the first year of her 17 years--and now Taylor...

821pm... Clay Aiken. Right now, I'm losing it. Clay Aiken.... Clay Aiken!

822pm... So, they gave out the award for Best Impersonation, and the winner was Michael Sandecki, who did one heck of an awful Clay Aiken impersonation. So, Sandecki comes out, Ryan asks him to sing, and he starts into "Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me", and its AWFUL. And here comes Clay Aiken. So, Sandecki turns around, almost faints and freaks out. Clay is singing, and now he's got longer hair. Steph said "I like his hair, but its too long... he should trim it for his gay self." Then Steph looks at me and quietly says "Oh, he is gay, right?"

826pm... Ryan just said the words "Burt Bacharach", "Tribute" and "Here are your Idols". This might be where I go to the bathroom.

828pm... Ace Young. You can't convince me that Michael Bolton didn't look like that when he was 24.

828pm... Melissa McGhee had better make the most of this appearance... after this season, she goes the way of Julia DeMato, Vanessa Oliveraz and Charles Grigsby. Who, you ask? Exactly.

833pm... Chicken Little is singing "Whats New, Pussycat?", made famous by 60s sex god Tom Jones. I'm guessing the producers were laughing their heads off when they decided to do this to poor Kevin Covais. And now, two names I thought would never go together... "Chris Daughtry" and "Christopher Cross". Annoying Paris is now singing The Carpenters. Stephanie is very happy. And now.. its Dionne Warwick.

835pm... What kind of comedy would it be to have Dionne go "My psychic friends network told me the winner would be..."? I had an algebra teacher named Mrs. Maund, a little white woman. Dionne and Mrs. Maund look alike. I actually called her the White Warwick. I'm just sayin'.

837pm... I was hoping it wouldn't come to this (and I'll be the majority of the Idols were too), but she just busted out "What's What Friends are For". Daughtry better get back stage and beat the crap out of Chicken Little just to preserve his cred, otherwise Fuel is gong to retract their "be our lead singer" offer. I hate this song. Always have.

844pm... They are reshowing "Brokenote Mountains", featuring Cowboy Garet--a hilarious sooof with two hicks and a black dude that made it to the second round... but no further. And here they come, singing "Mommas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys". Funny, funny stuff.

848pm... In a bizarre twist, Prince just came out. And it looks like he got his jacket back from Taylor last night. I mean, talk about your filler...

850pm... I am wondering why they've never done a Prince night on Idol, but it occured to me that most of his songs are pretty dirty, and at least innuendous... "Little Red Corvette", "Raspberry Beret"... you don't want to know what those songs are about.

854pm... Just went to the blogcounter website to see why my blog counter wasn't working... it told me I've jumped about 40 hits in the last three hours. You guys rock. Its nice to know I've had some views. So, who are you?

856pm... Taylor is being forced to sing "I've Had the Time Of My Life" from Dirty Dancing. Now My Girl McPhee is joining in... okay, okay, I like this song. Leave me alone.

856pm... "Nobody puts Baby in the corner" (if you don't get that, Google it)

858pm... Okay, here we go... the winner is...

859pm... 63.4 million votes came in last night... thats like the number of hits on Scott Latta's Sporting News blogsite!

859pm... And the winner is... Taylor Hicks. Soul Patrol! Soul Patrol! Awww... Taylor is about to cry... that's good stuff. Heck, even David Hasselhoff is crying. Who knew they had some Hasselhizzle in the House?

900pm... Oh man... Taylor is ruining the night by singing that suck "Proud of Me" song. Perhaps I'll turn it off and relish his win happily.

902pm... Okay, thanks for indulging me tonight... and this season. Now I gotta find something else to write about.

1 comment:

  1. haha, David this is great. Yes, we call John Cubilic, Cube and Sammi is one of the coolest girls I know. The Vals and Sals were in class rankin order. Can you believe I'm a highschool graduate? Wow... I remember only like it was yesterday me beggin to be in WalkAbout because I was in 6th grade and I had to wait another year... time flys by, huh? -Kourtney


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