Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Complete Rat Package... Idol goes Standard

Tonight... another night... another night of music... another night of dreams... another night of dreams broken... another night of song... another night of The Ambiguously Gay Screeching... what is this, you say? Its a talent show. Its an entertainment show. Its a variety show. Its a competition. What is this?





Two phone numbers for each contestant, now that they are down to only five. Our judges, Randy the Diggity Dawg, Kara the New Hotness, Paula the Flake and Simon the Cowell are sitting front and center, and Ryan the Seacrest introduces the theme... Standards from the Rat Pack era. Dean, Sammy, Tha Chairman... and those other guys that no one can remember... the mystery mentor this week? Kris Allen says, "The theme is Rat Pack... and all those people are... dead...?"

Jamie Foxx, an emblem of the 1960s standards and Rat Pack era music (I say this in all sarcasm), is the mentor. Personally, I think he was awesome in "Collateral".

Up first is The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen. She is bummed by the fact that our friend, KT, doesn't like him. KT didn't like My Last Next American Idol Brooke White either, so pooh on her.

I don't care what you say, KT... I loved My Last Next American Idol Brooke White. Her new single, "Hold Up My Heart", is pretty terrible, though.

He's taking on "The Way You Look Tonight", which I personally dig Frank's version of it. Tony Bennett's version is a little too slow for me, though I think Kris will emulate that version. Not that that is a bad thing.

Its a song from the film "Swing Time", and actually won the Academy Award for best song that year.

The Lovely Steph Leann is a currently a puddle on the couch. Jamie Foxx says that if things don't work out, "you and I can definately do something together, man." Not a bad compliment at all.

And the version kicks up a little in tempo... well done, The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen, well done.

Randy the Dawg says he is looking to see who's in it to win it... "Dude. I personally think this is your best performance to date." Kara the New Hotness says, "You have set the technical standard so high for this evening." I tell The Lovely Steph Leann that I thought it was good, and she just smiles. If that were Colin Firth singing the same song in the same way, I think The Lovely Steph Leann might have been kissing the screen, a la 1988 Kirk Cameron.

Paula the Flake babbles. Simon the Cowell says, "It was a little bit wet." What does that even mean? He says that he's not sure that The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen can even win this competition. The producers are wondering now... should they continue their course of The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert and The Gokenator... or should they throw in an underdog? Hmm...

Speaking of Next... here comes My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta, who has just turned 17! She's a year away from legality! I kid, I kid... if I was into jailbait, I'd be all about Emma Watson. Not that I am. Moving on.

Jamie Foxx is actually not a bad mentor... what he is telling the Idols makes pretty good sense. My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta is singing "Someone to Watch Over Me." It's a song from 1926, a Gershwin tune from the musical "Oh, Kay!". This song was done masterfully in Idol Season Five by My Girl McPhee, who went on to be Vice-Idol with Taylor Hicks. Not a great season of Idol, aside from McPheever... and Pickles!

Yay! I love Pickles!

By the way, My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta was awesome. Randy the Dawg says, "You look like Britney Murphy, looking dope, you sing like P!nk, only with 9,000 more octives!" Kara the New Hotness loves her too. Paula the Flake uses the words "Alluring" and "Tender". Simon the Cowell asks My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta if she thinks she can win. Simon the Cowell doesn't think she feels like she can win, and has a sinking feeling she might be in trouble.

Matty G says he's all stoked about this week, saying he loves the jazz part of it all. He's singing "My Funny Valentine". Jamie Foxx gives Matty G lots of love and props... something tells me he's going to drool over The Goke and The AGAL...

Did you know this song is from a 1937 musical called "Babes in Arms", and has appeared on over 1300 albums by over 600 artists?

I liked the song, though it wasn't as good as the first two. Randy the Dawg agrees. Kara the New Hotness agrees. Paula the Flake blubbers and drools on herself. Simon the Cowell disagrees with Randy the Dawg, and says it was "the only believable, authentic song I've heard tonight. I thought you were brilliant."

Up next is The Widower Danny Gokey (which, of course leaves The Pimp Slot for The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert) and he's singing "Come Rain or Come Shine". Its a song that was from the 1946 music "St. Louis Women", but like many of tonight's songs, the tune has long outlived the musical from which it came.

This song was also done by Kat McPhee back in Idol Season Five.

Trombone assisted, The Goke starts. Emmy Turnbow is sitting next to Cindy Jo Warner on the Goke-Wagon, and agrees with The Lovely Steph Leann that he looks much like Robert Downey Junior. Robert Downey Jr Junior, if you will.

And The Goke tosses out a pretty good song... The Lovely Steph Leann says, "For me, for him, that was the best I've ever heard him do. Ever." I would agree that it was pretty good...

Randy the Dawg says that The Goke could have an album with songs like this tonight... Kara the New Hotness commends "The Rat Pack Swagga..." and Paula the Flake says "Stellar." Simon the Cowell says it was great.

New show called "Glee" on Fox. The Lovely Steph Leann is so hyped about this show.

Mentioned Jamie Foxx earlier, being in the Michael Mann movie "Collateral." Excellent film. Tom Cruise as a bad guy, frickin' awesome. This video is probably Emmy Turnbow Safe, which means its NSFW, probably because of language... it is Rated R, but not for boobies (I don't remember any) but just for language and lots and lots of dead people.

And finally, its The Ambiguously Screechy Adam Lambert in the Pimp Slot. He's taking on "Feelin' Good", and he's already screeching in rehearsals with Jamie Foxx. Its actually from a 1965 musical called, "The Roar of the Greasepaint--the Smell of the Crowd", but its mostly known from Nina Simone's definitive version of the song. One of my 100 favorite songs of all time, just so you know.

Here comes the screech... wait for it... wait for it... and... bingo. We have screechage. This guy is a chump. The Gay Chris Isaak smiles, and the judges are speechless.

Randy the Dawg says it was a bit dramatic... but loved it anyway. Kara the New Hotness uses about 58 adjectives for him. Paula pees herself. Simon the Cowell loved it as well.

My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta... The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen... The Widower Danny Gokey... Matty G... The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert

Here's Nina's version, complete with the scatting at the end. Masterful. Turn it up. Enjoy.


  1. Hey, I used to kiss Kirk Cameron on the screen.

    Kris Allen is short. I never realized this before tonight with him standing there next to Seacrest whom everyone knows is maybe 5'8" on a good day. Good if kinda boring performance. He reminds me so much of Jason Castro. He does the same mouth thing - especially on the higher notes - and he often sounds very similar.

    I love "Someone to Watch Over Me" - one of my favorite songs ever. I hated the phrasing of this. It. Was. Unbearably. Chopped. Up. Ruined it for me.

    Matt is just channeling way too much JT for me. They look so much alike, sound so much alike ... he just needs that incredibly centered mole on his forehead removed and he can go be a back-up Timberlake.

    I love me some Gokey. He's just so ... genuine! And I don't think I've seen anyone who looks so different when he takes his glasses off. Strange. He tore up the ending to the song. Tore it up!

    After you posted the drag photo of AGAL, I realized what grates on me so bad with him. Every performance is a damn drag queen show. It's just slightly smaller hair, less colorful make-up, and a white satin suit instead of a white satin ball gown. I really detest him.

  2. "Hi, this is The Gokey Bandwagon, where our in-flight meal tonight will be nothing but lots and lots of Kool-Aid. Mrs Foley, would you like a refill?"

  3. I'm *so* cracking up at Lesley's comment about Matty G's mole. It's a serious irritant for me, but I thought I was alone. I think the only reason Simon gave him props tonight was to really confuse America. He threw down the gauntlet. Matty G sucked of all the performances tonight.
    I was all over Kris Allen tonight. Great. I also really liked Jamie Foxx as a mentor - great job. However, I wondered if he told Matty G to change the song to make it worse?! Conspiracy theory Mindy! :)
    Allison did well, as did the Goke, but Kris was my fave of the night.

  4. Hit me with the Kool-Aid!

  5. HEY!!! I like Kris...I just hate his mouth. It makes me want to vomit to see him sing. ICK!! It's like his mouth and his ear switch places when he sings! Get it right dear friend...and btw...Brooke White still sucks! haha


  6. What is the fascination with AI? I don't get it.


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