Now, its 9p, and we are starting late. I could go into detail about how we had a great dinner with Melanie and Family, or how when we got home I had to put sheets on the bed and we had to do this and that and the other... however, I'll just use five words that most of you will understand:
We've got a kid now.
That will explain everything.
So, let's get going... Ricky Gervais is hosting again--last year, he got acclaim and criticism for his harsh joking on the celebrities, and though yes, they are people too, its hard to feel too bad when they can dry their tears with their Benjamins and sob into their silk couch cushions. Give me a cool few million and make fun of me, I'm game.
9:07p... Yes, you say "it was 9p, why are you starting the DVR'd show at 9:07? We've got a kid now, that's why.
9:09p... Show has started. Ricky Gervais is out onstage, and I can tell half the stars in the audience are holding their breath, wondering if they are on target. And he's drinking right off the bat. "So, where was I...?" he begins.
909p... "The Golden Globes are just like the Oscars except without all that esteem. I'm Britain's #1 comedian on the 2nd biggest awards show on the America's 3rd biggest network. Fourth? Okay, 4th biggest network..."
909p... Ricky makes a man-parts joke, and the camera shows Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, who are unamused. Then makes a dirty little joke about the film "The Beaver" and Jodie Foster. You see where this is going.
914p... The opening monologue is short, and considerably--and I mean really, really--tamer that last year. Johnny Depp comes out as the first presenter. Ricky asks him, "Johnny... have you seen 'The Tourist' yet?" He's got a point... its a bad, bad movie.
915p... "Hugo" is the first of the nominated Best Drama movies shown. I'm completely on the fence about seeing it, though I've heard its great.
916p... Gerard Butler and Mila Kunis comes out... besides "300", I don't know that Gerard Butler has done anything worth watching. Mila Kunis has actually done some great work, though, "The Book of Eli" and "Friends with Benefits" are great examples.
917p... Best Supporting Actor in a Film. Right before we heard his name, I said aloud "Christopher Plummer gets this". Plummer is nominated for "Beginners", a movie where an old man (Plummer) comes out of the closet after a long, hetero life. He's a legendary actor, but I feel like this movie is this years "The Kids are Alright"... that is, this year's Gay Movie. I expect Plummer to be on the fast track to the Best Supporting Actor Oscar.
920p... Chris Plummer is still talking. No "get off the stage" music. I have a feeling that he is on the short list of people that the producers say, "Don't you dare play him off stage..."
How awesome would it be for him to work in how much he hates "The Sound of Music"... because in many interviews, he says just that very thing.
921p... Ashton Kutcher and Elle McPherson come out, doing the award for best actress in a Comedy or Musical. So far, we've got Enlightened, Parks and Rec, 30 Rock, The Big C and something else that I don't watch... Laura Dern gets it for Enlightened, an HBO show that I've never seen, but I'm sure is enjoyed by dozens of people every week. Expect HBO to rack the heck up tonight. Personally, I'd like to see Laura Linney get it, because I do like me some Laura Linney.
923p... "I like this dress she's got on. Not the belt". Thanks to The Lovely Steph Leann for the insight.
|Julianne Moore is on my short list of people, along with Amy Adams,|
DiCaprio, Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise that deserve an Oscar at some point.
925p... The nominees for Best TV Movie or Mini-Series. "Cinema Verte"... "Downton Abbey"... "The Hour"... "Mildred Pierce"... "Too Big to Fail"... I've only seen the last of those films, and it was pretty good, but not a major masterpiece to me. I kinda feel like "Too Big to Fail" was that movie "New Years Eve" except with a smarter cast. The winner? "Downton Abbey", some show on PBS about old school England, which can pretty much guarantee that I will NEVER watch the show.
927p... The producer from "Downton Abbey" is speaking, and he's saying that ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
928p... Rob and Julianne are back for Best Actress in TV Movie or Mini-Series. Who will win this? Kate Winslet for "Mildred Pierce". That's my guess... and? Kate Winslet. Anytime my dear Kate wins an award, I'm all for it. She deserves 293 Golden Globes and about 102 Oscars. Perhaps one of the top five most talented actresses alive today.
930... Christopher Plummer gets as long as he wants to talk. Apparently Kate Winslet hasn't gotten to that status yet... she is played off stage. Frieda Pinto comes out to introduce "Midnight in Paris". The only reason I haven't seen this movie is that Woody Allen directed it--and I am not a Woody Allen fan at all.
933p... Jeremy Irons escorts the Hollywood Foreign Press Prez Dr. Something Somethingsomething. The HFP is the group that does these awards every year, but I couldn't tell you anything else about them. The camera pans to Madonna, leading The Lovely Steph Leann to say, "Why is Madonna there? What the heck?"
934p... Jake Gyllenhaal. He's out to introduce "My Week With Marilyn", another nominated film in the Drama category. Another one I haven't seen.
|This picture doesn't do Paula Patton's dress justice, as here|
its muted. It looked like a highlighter machine threw up
all over her.
937p... Wait... does the Hollywood Foreign Press know that Kelsey Grammer is not playing "Frasier" anymore? Is this why he won?
939p... Now the nominees for Best TV Series Drama. Another set of shows I don't watch, though I think "Homeland" will be something we pick up... And "Homeland" wins! I'm going to stick that in our Netflix queue.
942p... Adam Levine ("The Voice" plug!!) and Jimmy Fallon come out now. The award for Best Song and Best Score is up. Levine and Fallon are doing a schtick, and the camera shows George Clooney, who isn't even cracking a slight smile. Best Score is first. All five movies I've never seen. My guess is "The Artist" and... I'll be right. The Lovely Steph Leann remarks, "I'm a little disappointed in all of those nominees..."
945p... The winner is a Frenchman, and he says in broken English, "I'm sorry... I'm French..." and then tries to make a joke in broken English. Doesn't work. Best Song award is next... Gnomeo and Juliet's song... Machine Gun Preacher's song... Albert Nobbs' song... The Help's song... W.E.'s song... which is from Madonna, which makes both of us go, "Ahh... thats why she's there."
947p... Madonna wins. Leads to this exchange:
Her: What is "W.E."? I haven't heard of half these movies! When did that happen!
Me: Uh... we have a kid now.
Her: And her dress? Its horrible.
950p... Who the heck is this chick? Upon seeing this foreign chick's dress, The Lovely Steph Leann doesn't say a word... she just slightly gasps.
951p... Debra Messing AND My Girl McPhee? Holy crap. Best Actor in TV Movie or Mini-Series. Winner? Idris Elba in... "Luther"? Is that the name of it? I know this guy as the Gatekeeper guy in "Thor".
953p... Brad Pitt walks out. Millions of women my age collapse in a tizzy. He introduces "The Ides of March", which was a great movie.
|Beckinsale's face is genuine--she had no idea Seth was going to say it|
955p... Seth Rogan's one inappropriate joke > Ricky Gervais' entire monologue thusfar.
958p... Piper Perabo and Sarah Michelle Geller come out for Best Supporting Actor in TV Series, Mini Series or TV Movie. Winner? Peter Dinklage for Game of Thrones, for which he also won the Emmy some months back. That's awesome... Short People Rule! Dinklage says, "My mom said to me 'Have you seen Mildred Pierce? Its so good! Guy Pierce is going to win!'"
1001p... Ricky comes back out, drink in hand, introducing George Clooney, who walks out with a cane. He introduces "Moneyball", another fantastic movie... like "The Ides of March", I think its a movie that gets better the more I think about it, and I'm looking forward to seeing both of them again.
1003p... Channing Tatum and Jessica Alba come out--I'm not sure putting both of their talents together would equal the right fingers of Kate Winslet or Colin Firth. But hey, Channing was awesome in "She's the Man", right? Right.
1003p... Best Animated Film, and honestly, I don't think there was a whole lot of strong animated movies. "Cars 2" is nominated, but without a strong Pixar movie to win, I don't know who takes it. "Rango", maybe? The winner? "The Adventures of Tintin", a movie that could care less about seeing.
1004p... I would imagine this award means as much to Steven Spielberg as his Blockbuster Entertainment Awards.
1006p... Ewen McGregor comes on the stage, introducing a wonderful movie as a best comedy nominee, "50/50". I think more people should see this movie. Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Seth Rogan and Anna Kendrick are awesome, and this movie appears on the first post of The Coolest 100 Things of 2011.
1008p... Clive Owen and Nicole Kidman for Screenplay. "Midnight in Paris"... "The Ides of March"... "The Artist"... "The Descendants"... "Moneyball". And the Golden Globe goes to... Woody Allen for "Midnight in Paris", who isn't there. Uncomfortable.
1009p... Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy, a real life couple, does a little song together that gets a huge applause. Very cute. Best Supporting Actress in a TV Series, Mini-Seires or TV Movie. The winner is... Jessica Lange for "American Horror Story", a show I've never seen, but I've heard its scary and weird and awesome.
The Lovely Steph Leann: Her dress is an American Horror Story on its own.
Another American Horror Story? The fact that Jessica Lange also won a Golden Globe for the 70s version of "King Kong". Wow, what a crappy film.
1013p... Back with Ricky, who introduces "The queen of pop... no, not you Elton John... she's 'like a virgin", then coughs loudly. Madonna comes out, saying "If I'm like a virgin, come over and do something about it--I haven't kissed a girl in a while." There is laughter, but not much. Foreign Film nominees. The winner? "A Separation" from Iran. I wonder if they checked the cast and producers for bombs as they came in. I also wonder if he publicly calls the US "The Great Satan", if Sean Penn would hop on stage and hug him.
1016p... Dustin Hoffman, Hollywood legend! This is Best Actress TV Series Drama. The Lovely Steph Leann and I both cheer when Callie Thorn is announced as a nominee for "Necessary Roughness"... what a great show. Claire Danes wins for "Homeland"! I like Claire Danes. What a lovely lady.
1022p... Emily Blunt comes out to introduce "Bridesmaids", one of my favorite films of 2011. Absolutely hysterical.
Dr. Drake Remore gets a Golden Globe. I love it.
1026p... People's "Sexiest Man Alive", Bradley Cooper is here to introduce the Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture. Octavia Spencer will win this... and the winner is... Octavia Spencer. She looks humble, but she had to know she was the front runner for this--and the Oscar now. She gets a partial standing ovation from the crowd, and is stopped by like, 9 people on the way to the stage.
Me: This is going to be a speech about black women everywhere.
The Lovely Steph Leann: Of course it is.
Yup. Four seconds in, and we get a Martin Luther King reference.
For anyone who has seen that movie, would you be a little apprehensive if she served chocolate pie at her award party?
1030p... Reese Witherspoon. Yeah! Let me tell you, I'm guessing she won't be doing the Bend & Snap in that dress.
She introduces "The Descendants", a movie that I really, really want to see, mostly because I know its one of maybe two leads for Best Picture for the Academy Awards. And with George Clooney at his table? Stacy Kiebler, former WCW and WWE Diva. Rock on!
1031p... Sidney Poitier comes out to award Morgan Freeman with the CC DeMille Award... Sidney is given a huge standing ovation. I know I'm getting old because no longer are these lifetime awards given to the 50s and 60s stars like Deborah Kerr or Spencer Tracy or Burt Lancaster... no, we are watching actors that we've grown up with get LIFETIME Achievement Awards. Wow.
And Morgan Freeman is so deserving of this very thing. What a phenomenal actor, and what an incredible narration voice. Helen Mirren comes out and says, "I have had a few glasses of wine, so excuse me when I complain that Morgan Freeman has been in over 50 films and I've only been in one."
|I wonder if they asked Morgan Freeman to narrate the Morgan Freeman|
tribute. I want him to narrate my funeral. Can anyone help with that?
10) Lucius Fox in "Batman Begins" & "The Dark Knight"
9) Azeem in "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves"
8) Hoke Colburn in "Driving Miss Daisy"
7-tie) Jim in "Hard Rain"
7-tie) Joe Matheson in "Red"
6) God in "Bruce Almighty"
4) Ned Logan in "Unforgiven"
3) Det. William Somerset in "Se7en"
2) Rawlins in "Glory"
1) Red in "The Shawshank Redemption"
He truly is one of the Greatest American Actors Ever. Hats off to you, Mr. Freeman.
The Lovely Steph Leann also points out that he does the voice of The Hall of Presidents--true. And despite the presence of He Who Must Not Be Re-Elected, that makes it great.
1046p... Robert Downey Jr is here to introduce "The Artist", a movie I think I want to see, but I'm not sure.
1048p... Angelina Jolie comes out, and hardens my resolve that I not find her attractive, ever. She looks ghastly. Best Director... Ides of March... Midnight in Paris... The Descendants... Hugo... The Artist... and the winner is... Martin Scorcese for Hugo. Very interesting...
The Lovely Steph Leann: Angelina's arms are so teeny. Like, the size of Campbell's arms.
1051p... Ricky again. "I can't wait to introduce Salma Hayek and Antonio Banderas! I think they are interesting, I'm not sure because I [NBC bleeps out what he says]". Salma and Antonio come out, and the entire bit by them is silenced. Even the nominees for Best TV Series Comedy or Musical is quiet. The picture goes haywire... and Modern Family wins the award. What the heck?
1054p... Michelle Pfieffer, a legendary Hollywood beauty, comes out to introduce "War Horse". With no desire to see this film, I think I've realized I'm not a fan of horse movies. I've never seen, nor do I care to see, "Secretariat", "Sea Biscuit", "Sand Biscuit Hidalgo", "Black Beauty" or any of those. "Hot to Trot" was kinda funny, though.
|I put Jessica Biel in the Angelina Jolie All Stars for me--that is,|
those chicks who the world tells me that I'm supposed to be
all hot for, but I don't see the appeal. Sorry.
The winner for Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical goes to Jean Dejlua?idh for "The Artist".
1058p... Queen Latifah is introduced, and she's introducing "The Help" as a nominee for Best Movie.
1101p... Ricky is out again, introducing Colin Firth. The Lovely Steph Leann swoons. Ricky Gervais then makes fun of the fact that Colin Firth is talented, acclaimed and loved by all. "But what you don't know is that he's very racist. Here's the evil Colin Firth!" Best Actress in a Drama Movie... the winner is... Meryl Streep of course. That's my prediction, anyway... so, the actual winner is: Meryl Streep. We knew this. She says, "I'm so glad that Ricky Gervais' deal fell through and they came to me to play Margaret Thatcher..." I think she curses again, because the sound cuts out. This is NBC, though.
1105p... Meryl is still talking. She gets that "extra long speech time", though the music just kicked in.
1106p... Jane Fonda follows suit onto the stage, now is giving the award for Best Musical or Comedy. 50/50... The Artist... Bridesmaids... Midnight in Paris... My Week with Marilyn... and we know this. The Artist picks up another win. I dunno if a dog has anything to do with the movie, but there is a puppy onstage that some of the cast is playing with.
1110p... Ricky Gervais now brings out Natalie Portman, who won last year for Black Swan, a movie I haven't seen and am on the fence about. Best Actor Movie Drama. George Clooney... Leo DiCaprio... Michael Fassbender... Brad Pitt... Ryan Gosling... the Golden Globe goes to... George Clooney for "The Descendants". Another predictable winner tonight.
1114p... This must be the final award of the night, because it brings out cranky Harrison Ford, and they are rushing through this list of Best Drama Movie... and the winner is... "The Descendants". Right here, right now, I call it--a two film race for Best Picture at the Academy Awards between this and The Artist, with The Descendants getting it.
And that is your 2012 Golden Globes! I know, I know, its a day late, its hurried, and I'm sure I missed some stuff... but hey...
We've got a kid now.