Monday, January 23, 2012

Cruising the USS Idol

We were going to watch this last night, but after the game featuring the 49ers of San Francisco and the New York Football Giants went into overtime (with the Giants winning 20-17) and not ending until almost 10, I declared that Idol was a Monday viewing appointment.

So, here we are!  Its Monday afternoon, and here I am, in front of the laptop... The Lovely Steph Leann is on the couch, blankie in hand... however comma a new edition to the party.  Its Campbell Isaiah, in the house.  Not sure he'll have much input in the whole show, but if he throws up during a certain contestant, I'll let you know what he thinks.

10,000 hopefuls arrive... with a dream to change their lives... what they don't know is... this audition is unlike any other... cause tonight, the audition takes place on the deck of the USS Midway, docked in San Diego Harbor.  (and yes, Top Gun theme music is playing, and no, I'm not kidding)




Randy the Dawg comes in, flanked by J-Lo and Crazy Creepy Uncle Steven... they are sitting at a table, and behind them is a wide open area, with a jet airline.

First up?  Chick in a bikini top and shorty shorts.  Seacrusty actually makes her take the stairs twice... to get a glance at the posterior side of our first contestant.  Creepy Uncle Steven loves her already.  Jennifer Diley, 19, is doing some Jessica Simpson, and finally... finally... a bad audition.

The Lovely Steph Leann whispers, "Uh uh" and says nothing more.

Randy the Dawg and J-Lo both say no, and Jennifer Diley wants to sing "Hero" by Mariah Carey... and it gets worse.  And Idol plays "Take My Breath Away" by Berlin.  San Diego starts with a bust, as Seacrusty tells us as the camera gets a torso shot of our failed brunette.

Single mom Ashley Robles, 26, is a DJ and a admin chick and works like, four jobs and such... that's admirable.  She's singing "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney... and she's not bad.  I feel like this song should be banned from Idol forever.  She gets to the "IIIIIIIIIIII will always love youuuuuuuuuuu" part and nails it.  The fact that the judges let her go the entire first verse, entire chorus and the ending fade is huge...

She gets a big fat YES from all three.  Word.

Songwriter Jayrah Gibson, 26, says, "I was literally told 'you can't write, you can't sing, you can only sing..." Wait... what?  He offers the judges his own song called "Shake Yo' Moneymakah" for J-Lo.  Wait... what?  He's singing "Just Friends" by someone, I think... he's a little annoying, but his voice has that young Usher, Shai kind of sound.   Randy the Dawg is all about him.  Creepy Uncle Steven loved him.  J-Lo looks forward to his music in Hollywood.  Three YES votes.

"They enjoyed my presence, they just just just... just just they just just just j-j-just loved me..."  Wait... what?

Aubree Dieckmayer, 20, has her family here with her to encourage her to become a singer and America's Next Top Model... whaaaaaaa?   The producer says, "Top Model?" and she giggles, tries to recoup and has a hard time spitting out "America's next American Idol".

She's singing "Feeling Good" by... well, she says "Michael Buble", but this is a Nina Simone song, one of my top 20 songs of all time.  Yes, Buble does it well, but Nina Simone's version is right, tight and outta sight.   This chick does well, really good even, but I don't like her because she's stupid.  You can just tell she's an idiot.  She's someone who voted for Obama because he seemed cool, and thinks free healthcare is free.  She goes to Hollywood, but I'm rooting for her to flame out, because she's a moron.

Nina Simone, Feeling Good.  Sounding awesome.

Ali Shields, 19, got on the America's Favorite Lesbian Ellen DeG Show recently, after writing her a song that told her how big of a fan she was.  So America's Favorite Lesbian Ellen DeG sent her as part of a correspondent team to some awards show, then got a smacky kiss from Usher and Mike Posner.  She is in love with Creepy Uncle Steven Tyler.

And for her audition, she raps.  And ghetto booty shakes.  Randy the Dawg laughs, and asks her to sing.  So finally, Booty Ali busts out with a little tune, and isn't that bad.  So far, no one has truly impressed me, though no one has asked me my thoughts.  Randy the Dawg says YES, J-Lo says she loves her, and we know that Creepy Uncle Steven loves her.

They show her with her Golden Ticket after the audition.  Holy crap she's obnoxious.

Day 2 arrives in San Diego, as do the judges, with J-Lo missing parts of her dress.  Creepy Uncle Steven says, "I can't wait to hear 40 people sing the same Adele song for 40 #(*$* hours!"

Kyle Crews is a Kappa Alpha at UC-Berkley and admittedly has a habit of serenading the chicks that come over to the frat house.  He's going to sing Monica's "Angel of Mine".  I kinda wanted him to be bad, and thought he's got this weird vibrato thing, he's pretty good.  He kinda looks like Casio Kid from The Rick & Bubba Show.

A prime example of great lenses, bad frames... great voice, bad voice container.  The judges send him to Hollywood.  Maybe a Clay Aiken in the makin'.... good one, d$!!

Joanne Childers, 26, is in the middle of her version of Ingrid Michelson's "The Way I Am", a song I really dig, when the ships horn starts blaring.  We then see a montage of Idol hopefuls interrupted by various ship sounds, horns and the like.

BACKSTORY ALERT!!  Here comes a waitress mom who seems very toothy.  And why?  Because her dad is Jim Carrey.  Her name is Jane Carrey, and she's ready to make her own name.  She totally has the same mouth, and The Lovely Steph Leann says, "Her eyes too".

J-Lo says, "I was one of the fly girls!  Remember me!  I know your dad!" referring to In Living Color from back in the day.  Jane Carrey sings, "Something to Talk About"... its not over the top, but its got potential.  She gets a YES from everyone and she's off to Hollywood.

Why the frak-a-lak is this chick waiting tables as a single mom?  Her dad is Jim Carrey!

A montage of chicks who get Golden Tickets, while "California Gurls" plays in the background...

As the sun sets over the Pacific, more and more contestants leave empty handed... and one remains.  Jason "Wolf" Hamlin. He's a golf course mechanic, repairing everything from carts to sprinkler systems.  His dad gave him a handmade guitar, so Wolf started playing and singing.

Wolf is doing "Midnight Special" by Creedence, and despite his gruff exterior, Wolf isn't bad.  Creepy Uncle Steven wants to hear something else.  So Wolf pulls out his git-fiddle, and starts in on "Folsom Prison Blues", always a winner.  I kinda like this guy.  He seems just humble enough to like, yet he's got some talent.  Personally, my favorite audition of the night.  Three YES votes sends Wolf on to Hollywood!

In the post-audition interview, he runs his hand over the Idol backdrop and says, "This is why you send a mechanic to Hollywood... to fix the seam!"

And wrapping up San Diego, there are 53 contestants headed to the next round... once again, little bad auditions shown... so, Wednesday, we head to Aspen, Colorado!

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