Idols: The Whole Country Went to Pot (plus results!)

**Just Added... Idol Results, at the bottom of posting**

Here we are, again, late Tuesday night... normally, I'd be in bed having to work early tomorrow, but I'm working tomorrow night instead due to some schedule changes... that means I can sit up and watch Idol, and review it for my four faithful readers.

Normally, I would have read some reviews at least about the show, but not this night. I know nothing about what's going to happen... I can only hope that My Girl McPhee, Pickles, T-Hicks and Daughtry do well, and Bucky craps himself onstage. Wouldn't that be funny?

First up--Ryan Seacrest is sporting a half-beard thing. Its like he stopped shaving after last Wednesday's results show, and this is all he got. Of course, he is 31... and reportedly dating a 41 year old, so I guess he's trying to look more manly.

Tonight's theme is Country (which is like giving Bucky, and maybe Pickles, an advanced copy of the test), so fittingly they have a country star helping out the Idols... tonight's B-list celebrity musician helper is Kenny Rogers, who just had a new album out--and it debuted in the top 20 on Billboard. Man, he's looking well preserved.

Taylor is up first, and he's singing "Take Me Home Country Roads". Mad props to John Denver. There's even a violinist. I like the original, and I like the spin T-Hicks is putting on it. I kinda miss the blue leisure suit, though... and I miss his bouncy trouncy pouncy founcy fun-fun-fun-fun-fun. Randy wasn't too impressed with the vocals, and Paula actually gave him a negative review. "But I still love you!" Simon was bored. "Safe, boring, lazy..." Truly the wonderful thing about Taylor is he's the only one. Heeeeeeee's the only one.

I recently downloaded Paula Abdul's video for the song "Vibeology" from her 1992 album Spellbound. Man, it took me back to the dances in the Samson High lunchroom... do they still do those? Anyway, if I ever figure out how to put videos onto my site, that will go up immediately. She may be a flake now, but she ruled in 1990-92.

Just saw the trailer for X-Men: The Last Stand... it is going to absolutely rock. That scene with Jean Grey in Wolverine's arms, pleading for him to kill her... I'm pumped.

Here comes Mandisa, singing "Any Man of Mine" by Shania Twain. She sounds fun, but her top is hideous... my mom made an afghan liked that once. Seriously... and I've refrained from saying this until now, because she never looked like this until now--she looks ginormous. The song was okay, though. Randy says "weird song choice." He liked the end, though (the last four bars). Paula says "you can sing the phone book..." but she (Paula) didn't like the song. Simon hated it all the way around. He said it was fun and cutesy, but not very good. I can see his point.

Simon just made a Desperate Housewives crack at Ryan, telling him to lose the beard.

Elliott Yahmean is singing "If Tomorrow Never Comes" by Garth Brooks. Great song I remember from high school. And if I had played this version on a date back then, I would have gotten even less play than I did already--which was none. Well, there was this chick named Julie Phillips from Geneva, and I... wait, where was I? Oh yeah, Elliott. Randy loved it. Paula adores Elliott. She used the words "reckless abandon". Somebody smack her. Simon says "just a safe choice."

I'm beginning to like Elliott, because he honestly seems like a guy who is constantly thinking "how the crap did I get here? this rocks!" He seems pretty humble. I'm not on the Elliott Yahmean bandwagon, but I'm standing in the queue for a ticket.

Here comes Little Annoying Paris. She's like Starbuck's new Blackberry Green Tea Frappuccino... I can't decide if I loved it, or its the absolute worst thing ever. Its one or the other--there is no in-between.. She's singing Leann Rimes "How Do I Live?"... or perhaps its Trisha Yearwood's version? I like Trisha's better, so I'll say that Paris is copying Leann, because Trisha is a billion times better than Paris. Plus, Trisha's version is from "Con Air", one of my top five Nicolas Cage movies. Randy says he could tell that it was tough for Paris. Paula compliments before she gives criticism. And she actually gets booed. Simon smiles, says "I disagree with Paula" (and the crowd goes wild). He liked it alot. "Excellent choice of song, like early Dionne Warrick."

My algrebra teacher was Mrs. Maund, and she always looked like a little old white Dionne Warrick. In between all her cosines and theorems, I expected her to write 1-900-FUTURE NOW for the psychic hotline on the board.

Now, its time for Steph's Man with the Ace Hair, doing some song called "I Want to Cry", to which Kenny Rogers said "Ace matched with his song better than anyone else in the bunch." He's on a stool in the middle of the stage, with the Ron Burgundy "Hey Everyone, Come See How Good I Look!" Look on his face. This guy would have fit perfectly in N*Sync, as anyone but Timberlake. Randy said he was bored. Paula loved him (I would bet anything she's already left him her room key at least once). Simon liked it, finally. Ryan just revealed that Ace is single.

Oh, dear Pickles. Ryan is addressing with Pickles the whole "people are saying that the whole naive thing is just an act" and she's saying its not. So, either she's a very good actress and very deceptive, or completely stupid. Kenny is saying "she is what you see." Either way, two things I hate about most people, yet somehow I like Pickles. Maybe its her need for double sided tape tonight.

Anyway, she's doing "Fancy", as done by Reba. Remember, folks, this is an extremely loud, hard twangin' country song. She's starting from the middle of the audience tonight... good touch. And the song is great, in my opinion. To me, this was perfect for her. Randy says "Great". Paula loved it. Simon hates the song, but liked the performance. He said what we were all thinking... "It would be a shocker if you didn't do good tonight, wouldn't it?" This performance was what made me a Pickles fan to begin with.

I'd bet she would go nuts on "Sin Wagon", a song in my Top 10 All Time Best Thumping the Dashboard and Driving Fast Songs. (other songs in this catagory include "Everything Zen" by Bush, "Jesus Freak" by dcTalk and "Basic Instructions" by Burlap to Cashmere)

Daughtry is up next, singing keith Urban's "Making Memories of Us". His performance is like the Idol equivilent of Lloyd Dobler's boombox held high, blaring "In Your Eyes"... hard to resist. One thing about Daughtry is that he listens to the judges... Simon told him last week that although he was good at being a rocker, he needed to do something different, lest his rockerdom get old. And tonight, he did, and it rocked. Randy loved it. I think Paula just left Steph's Man Ace with the Ace Hair a note that says "Pass this key to Chris". Simon said it was boring.

Sidebar: I knew this frumpy, dopey looking guy in college named Matt Andress that would have girls fawning and throwing themselves at his feet simply by picking "Wonderful Tonight", one string at a time, on his mandolin. I only say this because it is a theory I have that for guys, it doesn't really matter what you look like, as long as you have style and attitude. Heck, Mike Dunn in 320-A of Alumni Hall was one of the goofiest, ugliest guys I've ever seen--and he scored alot. Alot. Even with Katharine Gates, while I was dating her. Of course, looking back, that was okay, because she was a really weird chick with a llama and... remind me to tell you this story later. (you only think I'm making up the part about the llama...)

Is it bad that, after last week's bottom three appearance, I'm actually nervous for My Girl McPhee? Don't they have therapists for this kind of stuff?

My Girl McPhee is singing "The Elvis in Me". Because my beautiful, wonderful, incredible, loyal, fantastic wife Stephanie reads this blog, I'll say only this: McPhee did well. Randy liked it. Paula loved it. Simon says "I don't know what to say..." to which My Girl McPhee says "you don't like country music... its okay. just say it." And Simon replies "You're right, I hate it." I think what makes me like McPhee over Pickles, besides the hotness factor, is that McPhee looks like she's always having fun... Pickles looks like she's trying to just do well.

I just saw a commercial for Cingular, where you can get ringtones for songs that Idols have sung... I'm not to that point. Yet.

And here comes Bucky. Bucky. When the theme is TV Themes, he's all about singing "Bad Boys" from Cops. And I have no clue what this dude is singing--for that matter, what he's even saying. Unlike Elliott, who is growing on me, I'm totally against Bucky. The costume department of Young Guns II called... they want their coat back. Randy says "aight". Paula loved it. Simon says "eh, okay."

I will say this... Kenny Rogers was great tonight. The Gambler actually had criticism for the Idols, telling them what not to do, how to fix things and such. Good times.

My prediction for the bottom three this week: Steph's Man Ace with the Ace Hair, Bucky... and either Elliott Yahmean, or (gulp) My Girl McPhee.

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Read Entertainment Weekly's review of tonight's show right here. The first paragraph is priceless.

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Its early Thursday morning, and its time to watch the results from American Idol. I worked last night, so I had to put the show on tape once again... but I'm here with my handy VCR remote and TV to give you the play by play.

They just brought out Kenny Rogers... he's had so many facelifts, he almost looks Oriental. Ryan is asking him about the group and such, but what I want to know is, "What the *&^% happened to Kenny Rogers Roasters???? here is the chicken?!?!?! Darn you Kenny!!!!"

While he's singing, I'll just tell you they used to have "All You Can Eat Chicken Bashes" on Mondays at Kenny Rogers Roasters, which was located where the McAllisters is now on Highway 31 (across from Ellis Piano). Michael, Tom, Shawn and I used to go over, plunk down the $6.95, and absolutely gorge ourselves on as much chicken, mac n cheese, mashin' taters, glazed apples and other stuff. Good times, very very good times. Then they closed. I felt like Kramer in the Kenny episode... I had a piece of chicken in one hand, other hand outstretched, and in a soft whimpering voice, whispered "...kenny...? ...kenny...?"

And back to the show we go. They showed the new Idol Ford commercial, a take off of the Hollies "Just One Look". And then Ryan took a potshot at Pickles. Bad Ryan, bad Ryan. Just announced that next week will be a show on the music of Queen. Wow.

Here comes the results...with 9 Idols left, its that time in the year when they stop doing the usual elimination process (go one by one, announcing the bottom three along the way...) This time they are splitting the groups in the groups of 3, with one of the groups actually being the bottom 3.

Taylor goes to Group 1. Mandisa goes to Group 2. Elliott Yahmean joins Mandisa in Group 2. Paris becomes the third-and final-person in Group 2. Steph's Man Ace with the Ace Hair starts Group 3. Pickles joins Taylor in Group 1, almost assuring that Group 1 is the safe one to be in. All they need is Daughtry to seal that deal.

And Daughtry joins Taylor and Pickles in Group 1. So that's gotta be the safe group. That leaves this year's Scott Savol, Bucky, and My Girl McPhee in Group 3 with Steph's Man Ace with the Ace Hair. Sigh. This could really go either way... Bucky is the liability in one group (with Ace) while Elliott Yahmean is the liability in the other, though having Mandisa and Paris there doesn't hurt.

As good looking as I think My Girl McPhee is, she needs to kick her clothing stylist in the teeth. Why is it out of all American Idol's resources, she can't come up with better clothes than what she does? Surely she doesn't think the mini skirt and the boots go well together?

Ryan announces that Group 1, with Pickles, Taylor and Daughtry, is safe. Duh. Perhaps one of thoes would be in the bottom three (My Girl McPhee was last week), but surely not ALL three at the same time. Now Ryan announces that My Girl McPhee, Bucky (Bucky?) and Steph's Man Ace with the Ace Hair are safe.

Leaving Paris, Mandisa and Elliott are in the bottom three. Really? Paris has a smile that says "You have to be $*&%@*^# kidding me". He does send Paris back to the couch, though.

With Elliott and Mandisa, this could really be a toss-up. Simon reminds us that America votes, and predicts that Elliott will stay. And Mandisa is going home.

Ever seen Ocean's 12, when Benedict blows up Rusty's old car... Rusty looks on, simply saying "...huh...". Thats kind of what this moment does for me. Huh.

She's holding back her tears, and the audience has this "Mandisa and not Bucky???" aura about them... as does some of the Idols, I think. And she name-drops Jesus again... I love it!

Okay, two funny things about this: Paris, who bawls every week when people get dropped, especially when Chicken Little and Lisa Turtle got punted, is not shedding a single tear. "Yes, I have the full black vote!! Go me! Go me!".

The funniest thing is they show the Idols when Mandisa's name is announced, and Taylor has his hands up like he's about to clap... he realizes suddenly that no one else is clapping, so he freezes, hands stopping in mid clap, with a "...uhhh..." mouth open look. Only his eyes dart around, like he's looking for someone else to clap... either he just knew it was going to be Elliott going, and he was clapping, or he heard "Mandisa" and figured everyone would clap, only they didn't. Funny stuff.

Alright, well, my top four--My Girl McPhee, Daughtry, Taylor and Pickles--are all safe. If we can just chunk Bucky, I think we'll have ourselves a real competition. And as I stopped the tape, I am watching a Shakira video... not sure that there is any woman that the world says I should be attracted to that I find least attrative. Excpet maybe Pam Anderson. And Anna Nicole Smith. Its always good when the last two sentences of your long posting include the words "Pam Anderson" and "Anna Nicole Smith".