Now? Songs from 1979 wouldn't qualify because it would put the Idol contestant at 31 or so, about 3 years over the age limit. Tonight? We have a song from 1995 make our auditions. Nineteen. Ninety. Five. That's a full two years after I graduated high school, and depending on exactly when the song was released, it would have found me as a sophomore or junior at Troy State University (Go Trojans!)
Because of a project I'm working on on Wednesday nights now--details coming soon--my Idol recap shows will mostly appear on Thursdays now, and I'll stick the results on the tail end of it. All that said...
IS AMERICAN IDOL
Ah, its a beautiful day here at The Cabana... the Plantation Shutters are opened, the door shutters are wide open, the sunlight is pouring in, and the television is adjusted just ever so slightly so the glare is minimal! Seacrusty reminds us that last week, ProActiv Spokeschick Ashthon Jones was given her walking papers, so Week Two of The Finals begins now.
Songs from your birth year, and this will give us people in our mid-30s a great indication of how old we exactly are...
And tonight, we begin in 1984, with Naboo Agrabahao, and videos of her parents show us that even they are wearing traditional African garb, complete with head wrap. Tonight, Naboo is taking on Tina Turner's "What's Love Got to Do With It", which at the time, when I was 9, I thought the song was kinda dumb. Years, decades later, my tastes a little more appreciative and refined, the song is quite a masterpiece.
Tell you what, though.. I wouldn't use the word "master" to describe the "piece" that Naboo's song is tonight. Its terrible, and I don't say that only because I'm not a fan... it sounds awful. Like, she would sound better if she were reading it with style.. awful.
Crazy Creepy Uncle Stevie calls it... beautiful? What? What? J-Lo builds her up first, but tells her that she's pitchy--even drawing some boos from the audience. Randy the Dawg says the same thing.
Thankfully, though, this might be what gets her kicked off the show. Unless the judges save her. A-freakin'-gin.
Next, back to 1984 again, Idol's version of Bradley Cooper, Pauly Mac, is singing Sir Elton John's "I Guess Thats Why They Call It the Blues", and this should be interesting. I love this guy's voice, but it just doesn't fit this song. Wasn't there a Rod Stewart song in 1984 that he could have taken on? Maybe "Some Guys Have All The Luck" or "Infatuation"? Just a thought. Truly, though, he does sound good, revealing that he does have a sinus thing going on.
J-Lo says, "I feel you... you sounded good!". Randy the Dawg doesn't give him a pass because Pauly Mac "because you have a cold, because singers have to deal with that.." but compares him to Ray LaMontigue, which is not bad. Cool Uncle Steven Tyler says, "Your a cool dude in a loose mood..."
And now, 1995... Thiamegia was born. Like, if I had started early, I could have been her dad. In 1995, I think I was with Julie Haynes. That's funny...
Where was I? Okay, she's singing another ballad? Really? "Colors of the Wind", from Pocohontas, the Vanessa Williams version... not only do I not like the original, I don't like that movie, and its my least favorite Vanessa Williams song by a mile. I dig Vanessa, but give me "Save the Best for Last" or the funky "Running Back to You", but not this one.
I just fast forwarded through it. I'm sure she was fine. Randy the Dawg said it was just "okay". And he says it was boring, and to stop singing ballads. Uncle Stevie says it was good, but wonders if that's who Thiamegia thinks she is. J-Lo says to work on her vibratto. Whatever. It was crap.
Let's take it back to the late 80s now with The Straight Adam Lambert. His birth year? 1989. I was in 9th grade, maybe 10th, and the biggest band dork ever. Ever. And watching his video interviews, I can see his Asberger's or Tourette's coming out--his eyes twitch repeatedly. Like he's squinting in the sun, but he's doing it over and over.
"I'll Be There For You" by Bon Jovi is the song, and I hate that I didn't get to see this with The Lovely Steph Leann, because she might have been a puddle on the floor. She LOVES her some Bon Jovi, and truly, this song was the favorite song of every chick I knew in 1989--from my classmate Tonya Windham to the hot senior Sandy Wright--Bon Jovi was the love of anyone and everyone who was the female gender. And even some male genders (I was going to toss a name in here, but I'll refrain, James Rodgers. Oh come on, we were all wondering.)
As for The Straight Adam Lambert, not bad. Not great, but not bad. The song itself is what, 34 minutes long, with 11 minutes of guitar intro, so I guess its hard to pick up a good 90 seconds to go with. Uncle Steven Tyler says, "What? 1989? I have sandwiches under my bed older than you! Don't get too poppy on me!" And The Straight Adam Lambert smiles back, "I'm saving Aerosmith for the Finale!" That's awesome.
1989 was a good year for Aerosmith too, with the album "Pump" still going strong, with "Janie's Got a Gun", "Love in an Elevator" (which I'd be shocked to hear on Idol, because that song is so not Emmy Turnbow safe) and the rock on, broken hearted balled "What It Takes", that I still know every word to by heart.
J-Lo thought he was great, as did Randy the Dawg. I concur.
Seacrusty asks a loaded question... "What Whitney song will Haley Reinhart perform?" Wow, Haley.. taking on 1990 Whitney Houston. She's singing one of my three favorite Whitney songs, "I'm Your Baby Tonight". I mean, this song is funky and cool and awesome and rockin and soulful and so on... so Haley, tread lightly. This is WHITNEY. Pre-crack Whitney, which means awesome Whitney.
Okay, so Haley isn't...
Well, she's not...
Okay, so she's singing okay, good enough I guess, but she's...
Fine. She's not black enough. There, I said it. This isn't a racial statement, but to sing this type of Whitney song, you have to have soul. Haley has a lot going for her, great smile and great voice, but soul? No. None.
J-Lo starts the feedback, and I know its going to be bad.. "Hey... you look beautiful tonight..." She beats around the bush in telling Haley that this was not the song for her. Seacrusty comes out and helps her wipe a little stray lipstick off of Haley's chick. How random is this?
So, I would love to continue the reviews and the witty banter, giving you the full report, but unfortunately, here's what just happened... I finished Idol and the post... I was working on links, pictures and a video, and while I was jamming to said video, I noticed it stopped halfway through. Lost connection. Now, sometimes this does happen... but here, at The Cabana, its happened more and more. I've been around and around with AT&T already, and they sent someone out here today to replace our cheap, piece of crap modem with a wireless one.. and it worked. While the computer was sitting by the modem, while the guy was here. Sort of like taking your car into the shop--the noises stop when Joe Goodyear is looking at it, right?
So, I get this page that says, "Your internet connection has been broken"... and then ten seconds later, it says "Hey, we fixed it! Just close your browser and you'll be up and running on the interweb, pancho!" So, naturally, because I'm an idiot who doesn't think--ask The Lovely Steph Leann, ask any of The Deuce Guys, ask Melanie--I just closed it and re-opened it, expecting to find what had been saved to be there.
Of course, it wasn't. So, you will not get to read my whole thoughts on Peepee Tuscany, Stefano Italiano, Deep Voiced Scotty, America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina, The Soulful Jacob Lusk, Casey A, K-Rod, nor will you get to read the lead-up to me saying, "If I were a lesbian, this would be my anthem." So, I'll just do what I did last week, give you the quick one line to those that my reporting didn't save.
Peepee Tuscany... Favorite of the night. Brilliant Whitney. Safe
Stefano Italiano... This kid is growing on me, and he sounded great. Safe
America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina... She did well, but nothing flashy. Safe.
The Soulful Jacob Lusk... Judges loved him, but I thought he was terrible. Safe tonight, though.
Casey A... I've heard him better, but his risky take on Nirvana was old. Safe.
K-Rod. Horrid. Horrid. In danger.
Deep Voiced Scotty... He did his thing, and he did it well. Safe.
Also safe is The Straight Adam Lambert... I think Pauly Mac and Thiamegia are borderline, and Neoxmia Agrahbah and, unfortunately Haley, are in danger.
Whatev! Results NOW!!!
The good thing about Idol Results shows is that I can fast forward, alot. Tonight, we won't hear musical performances from The Black Eyed Peas and Lee DeWyze, and we won't see a new Ford music video, and we won't see a group performance... we will see 12 people squirm in their seats until the Couch of Anxiety becomes the Couch of Safety, and we'll see 3 people head to the Silver Stools of Failure. And one goes home. And unless is Niagra Fallsagogo, the judges won't save 'em.
THIS IS AMERICAN
Seacrusty follows Randy the Dawg, Crazy Creepy Uncle Stevie and Jennifer Lopez out, and its another exciting show!
We do get an update on the American Red Cross drive from last night... if you text REDCROSS to 90999, it will send $10 for Japan relief. Say what you want about Idol, they do alot of compassionate work for our world. Go Idol.
Aaaaand.... I just cut out about 10 minutes of show by fast forwarding through the Group Song, the commercials and the Ford Video. I love the power of DVR. Seacrusty instructs everyone to look under their seats in the audience, and the audience each finds a copy of the 10th Anniversary Idol Compilation, the best from the last 10 years of Idol.
Cute little video montage of the Idols discussing their talents, their pets, their accents, their desires to learn foriegn languages, and Thiamegia takes a fun shot at America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina's twang.
Back to the stage, Seacrusty says, "Dim the lights", and an Irish song comes on, the stage goes green, and apparently, that wasn't supposed to happen, cause Seacrusty makes a joke about the stage director tossin' back the brew, and then calls for the "Tension... dim the lights please."
Up first, Casey A, The Soulful Jacob Lusk and America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina go to the center of the stage. I would imagine they will all be sitting on the Couch of Safety in a few seconds. Smart, though, go ahead and get the front runners out of the way. Seacrusty tells The Soulful Jacob Lusk he is safe.
Now, America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina, and Seacrusty sends her back to The Couch of Safety. And finally, Casey A... and predictably, Seacrusty sends him back to The Couch of Safety.
Seacrusty, you faker! But you didn't fool me this time! I'm on to your tomfoolery!
Now... Haley Reinhart and Pauly Mac... this will be a little harder. I can expect Haley to take a Silver Stool of Failure, though Seacrusty may pull a "you are both in the bottom three!" on us. You know that Seacrusty! Pauly Mac has the whitest teeth I think I've seen on this show, and this kid cannot stop smiling. Great thing, actually.
Seacrusty says one is safe, the other is in the bottom three... and its Haley, like I expected. Pauly Mac will be around next week, as he takes his place on The Couch of Safety, meanwhile Haley forces a grin from the Silver Stools of Failure.
Fast forwarded through two commercial breaks, sandwiched around an American Idol Winner Lee DeWyze performance that I didn't hear at all.
Next is Deep Voiced Scotty, Peepee Tuscany and The Straight Adam Lambert, and I'm guessing Seacrusty will do another all-three-are-safe trickeration.
Deep Voiced Scotty is safe. Peepee Tuscany is safe. And The Straight Adam Lambert, as long as he keeps performing at least decently, doesn't have to worry much until they get down to about 7 or 8. And... he's safe.
Told you! I'm on to your shenanigans, Ryan Seacrusty!
Now... Stefano Italiano and Naimey Aquafina are up. And I predict Stefano Italiano heads to The Couch of Safety, and Nameya heads to The Silver Stools of Failure. Am I right? Yup. (and I typed "yup" as Seacrusty said "After the nationwide vote..." and before he said "Stefano is safe")
Now, K-Rod and Thiamegia. K-Rod, bottom three easily. She was dreadful. And the judges are on crack if they said she was better than last week... she did that Selena song, but her cover of Taylor Dayne probably made Taylor Dayne want to kill herself. Wouldn't shock me if Thiamegia was in the Bottom Three, because her song "Color of the Wind" was sooooo boooorrinnnggg... one is safe, the other is not. After the nationwide vote... Thiamegia is safe.
Do I know this show or do I know this show? I'm wise to your strategery, Seacrusty. The Bottom Three, Haley, Neoxmea and K-Rod...
I fast forwarded through the commercials and was going to go through The Black Eyed Peas, but caught sight of Fergie in her white dress... okay, she fascinates me. She's sexy, yet borderline skanky.
Alright, enough of that. Fast forward through the song, and commercials.
Seacrusty is going to send one of the Bottom Three to the Couch of Safety... and that person is... Noxema. Curse it all! We can't get rid of her! She's like acne that just won't stinkin' go away! Well, let's get rid of K-Rod at least... Seacrusty says, "The person in danger of leaving us tonight is... K-Rod."
Now, Seacrusty might as well have said, "Since neither one of you are named Naimey or Casey A, the person who WILL leave us tonight, because the judges aren't going to save either of you, is..."
With tears in her eyes, she sings Mariah's "Hero" (which I fast forwarded through), and the judges deliberate to tell her no. Randy the Dawg tells her its not unanimous, but they aren't going to use the save on K-Rod.