So, Idol opens up with Ben Stiller, Jonah Hill, Bill Heder and Hank Azaria doing their own plug for "Night at the Museum: Battle for the Smithsonian", introducing Idol and Seacrest and such... The Lovely Steph Leann giggles for a second, then dryly says, "Yeah, that was kinda stupid..."
IS AMERICAN IDOL
We are actually watching it live this time around, and not on DVR. Which means that we cannot fast forward through the Ford Commercial or the group song. They introduce the remaining Idols, The Widower Danny Gokey, The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert and The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen--when his name is called, The Lovely Steph Leann cheers. He might actually be on the B-Team of The Colin Firth Club.
Alicia Keys comes up to promote a charity group, then introduces a Rwandan singer kid. Not to be mean, but this is the kinda stuff I would want to fast forward through.
I'm not sure, but I think the kid just said "Paul is dead" in Rwandese.
After the break, we journey to the hometowns, which makes sense, because last night they barely showed a clip of the hometown journey, when they usually show a full video montage of each one. I'm wondering if The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert's takes place in the Blue Oyster Bar. Wookiee, that one is for you.
Now, KT, dim the lights. Let's look at who might be going on next week. The Widower Danny Gokey comes out, per Seacrest's instructions, and I'm wondering if perhaps he goes home. Think about it... The Goke has been floating by on much of his music and reputation, while The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen is peaking at just the right time... hmm...
Dead Wife stands nervously, awaiting Seacrest to read the results. And without a word of results, Seacrest sends Dead Wife to the couch. The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen comes out (The Lovely Steph Leann shouts "Yeah! Yeah! Awesome!!"--she is more excited about this guy than she ever has been about me.. ha!)
Gotta say, The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen's video is pretty cool, mostly because the background song is Tears for Fears immortal "Everybody Wants to Rule the World." My favorite by them is "Head Over Heels", but the other is great, especially used in "Real Genius", a somewhat forgotten gem of an 80s movie starring Val Kilmer (also starring a very young Uncle Rico from "Napoleon Dynamite"). Hysterical flick.
Seacrest sends him to the Couch of Anxiety with The Goke.
And in another part that I'd like to fast forward through, Jordin Sparks comes out to sing her new song, "Battlefield". The Lovely Steph Leann is laying on the couch, watching and listening to Jordin sing. I am surfing the net, reading random trivia on IMDB. We sit in silence as Jordin sings, "Battlefield! Battlefield! Battlefield!"
Breaking the silence, The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up with this... "What? Do you like this song? [I say no, and that I've mostly tuned it out]. I mean... this is the stupidest song ever. [mocking Jordin] Battlefield! Battlefield! What is that line? 'Better go get your armor'? That's ridiculous. How... in... the... world... did she beat Melinda Doolittle to win Idol? Seriously."
And finally, The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert. Randy the Dawg runs onstage, licks his boots. Kara the New Hotness comes out and kisses his bum. Paula the Flake says, "I can make you straight." Simon the Cowell bends down and screams "We're not worthy! We're not worthy!". He's right, though. Really, who is?
By the way, do you notice that The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert's video is a wee bit longer than Dead Wife or The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen? Anyway, Seacrest sends him over to sit with the other guys.
First, though, before the results, Katy Perry comes out to sing for us. She is known for her song "I Kissed a Girl", which I'm not sure that The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert has ever experience. Anyway, Katy Perry's new song is called "Waking Up in Vegas." Her cape has Adam Lambert's name on it, which makes me think that its right out of his closet.
As Katy Perry sings, The Lovely Steph Leann says: "Maybe we're just old that we don't get into the kids music nowadays. I mean, is this what kids like? I like Daughtry, is he still popular? This song is stupid. That Lady GaGa song was stupid. That Flo-Rida song was stupid." What impresses me most about this mini-rant is that she pronounced "Flo Rida" correctly.
And finally... let's kick someone off. Who is the first of two to head to next week's finale? The Lovely Steph Leann screams loudly as The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen is announced. The judges clap, Simon the Cowell included, though he sits there wide-eyed with a "this is supposed to be a Goke-Gay final... is this happening?"
And I called it. The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert takes on The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen for the title.
That wailing sound you hear is Emmy Turnbow, April Adams, Cindy Jo, Stacy Mintz and 14 million other 30something Mamas crying in unison, as Robert Downey Jr Junior says goodbye.
Just a note... I work next Wednesday night, which means my Idol recap will be late. But I'll recap the show just the same, just later.
Its been weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks of updates and songs and votes and Seacrest and Randy the Dawg and The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert and Dead Wife and Kara and her New Hotness and Mindy D'A hating on Kara's New Hotness and Paula blubbering and blithering and The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen and late nights blogging because I had to work and lights and dim the lights and The Couch of Safety and the Silver Stools of Failure and finally... this is the 300th episode... no, not of this season, but over all...
THIS IS AMERICAN IIIIIIIDDDDDOOOOOLLLLL!!!!!!!
Two songs per Idol tonight, one chosen by the judges, the other a personal selection.
Also, this late in the season, its a "go home" kind of show. The crews followed the three Idols back to their home, and The Widower Danny Gokey is home at Milwaukee. He gets a text message from Paula the Meanderer that her choice for him to sing is "Dance Little Sister" from Terence Trent D'Arby, who had a huge hit back in the late 80s with "Wishing Well"... "
Let me get my Randy Jackson on when I say this song... nay, this JOINT IS DOPE! Yeah yeah!
Dead Wife is actually bringing it, his husky voice doing the song alright now. Randy the Dawg says, "Let the games begin! Dude, that was dope!" Kara the New Hotness loved the song, but not the gyrating dancing, Paula the Abdul drools on herself and Simon the Cowell didn't like the dancing, but thought the vocals were great.
Seacrest makes a gay joke towards Simon. The Ambiguously Gay Adam feels repressed.
Let's head to Ark-Kansas to see what Kara the New Hotness and Randy the Dawg has selected for The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen "Apologize" by OneRepublic. KT is loving this, wherever she is, because she LOVES this song. She walks around singing it randomly. I'm sure she's beboppin' wherever she is right now.
By the way, a big Clouds Yippee to KT, because to those who don't know, she's expecting a little KT in a few months.
The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen is behind the piano, doing his thing, his voice cracking a few times. Randy the Dawg says he loved it, and that it showed who he could be in the future. Kara the New Hotness wanted a home run, but only got a base hit. Paula discusses butterflies... she is saving rainbows for The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert. Simon the Cowell challenges Kara the New Hotness for selecting the song, and then criticizing him for not being more original on the song.
The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert gets a text from Simon the Cowell to sing "One" by U2. Simon the Cowell said he had to call Bono to get permission to have The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert sing it... for me, its not going to help The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert's cause that "One" is one of my least favorite U2 songs. I know, I know, its moving and powerful and means all this and that and so on and so on. Shut up. I don't like the song. Especially from this guy...
...and his screeching...
I can imagine The Edge calling Bono right now, saying, "What the (#&@ dude? You let The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert screech during our most beloved song???"
Randy the Dawg said the vocals were good, not great. Kara the New Hotness loved it. Paula the Flake talks about rainbows and Brokeback Mountain. Simon the Cowell heralds the song choice.
Seacrest introduces a video of Carrie Underwood going to Angola as part of the Idol Gives Back program, to show where the donated money goes to. I'm sure I would get a lot of the "I'm so blessed, they are so poor" stuff in my head if I watched this, but its late. And I'm tired. So fast forward. And that's difficult, cause Carrie Underwood is hot.
Now, The Goke has selected for his next song, "You Are So Beautiful" by Joe Cocker. The Goke Bandwagon is rolling along, and sitting shotgun is The Godly Mamas, headed by Emmy Turnbow, the 13th Disciple's Wife Stacy and Cindy Jo. I think Emmy Turnbow might be crying right now.
I think I was bored.
Randy the Dawg loved it. Kara the New Hotness calls it stunning. Paula stops hiding, just tossing her hotel room keys onto the stage, saying, "Seriously. Its been a few months. She's gone. I'm here." Simon the Cowell didn't like the arrangement, but calls the performance a "vocal masterclass".
I think I was bored.
The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen is singing Kanye West's "Heartless". This should be a hoot...
Now THIS... rocks. Strumming with the guitar, it reminds me of a John Mayer cover of a hip hop song... or when Derrick Harris covered "Baby One More Time" on guitar at A Very Deuce Christmas Party in 2000... I think Factor 7 performed too, but don't remember, but seriously... this is awesome.
Randy the Dawg actually liked it better than the original. Kara the New Hotness thought it was fearless, brave and bold. Paula the Flake is tossing her room key to him. "If you can beat The Goke there, so be it." Simon the Cowell said he has written him out, but "Heartless" changes everything.
And this will do what few songs will do... make me go to iTunes and download the song. And I might, tomorrow, do what I've NEVER done in all these years of Idol blogging... go and download the performance version. I didn't do that with Ruben, nor McPheever, nor Pickles (I love Pickles!) nor Carrie nor anyone else. But I just might with this one.
And now to spoil my good mood, here's The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert to do Aerosmith's "Cryin'". First "One" and now "Cryin'"... can we ruin any more of my high school memory songs tonight? With a screech, maybe? He looks like he's going to eat that microphone (and there's the screech, during the words "making love", which in itself is disturbing).
And double screech! Two in the same song! Three! Will he go for four? I mean, I would say this guy sucks, but there are too many jokes there. Seriously.
Randy the Dawg liked it better than "One". Kara the New Hotness loves the notes. Paula the Flake says, "If Steven Tyler was a mentor..." and I'll finish it by saying, "I hope he'd kick you in the jimmy for killing his song." Simon the Cowell pleads to the audience to vote for The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert.
My choices for the night... The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen's "Heartless"... The Widower Danny Gokey's "Dance Little Sister"... The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen's "Apologize"... The Widower Danny Gokey's "You Are So Beautiful"... The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert's "One"... The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert's "Cryin'"