Idol's Final Stand

One plucks his guitar. One plucks his eyebrows. One sounds like David Cook, Jack Johnson, maybe a rock Kanya. One has crushes on David Cook, Jack Johnson and maybe Kanye. One is beloved by The Lovely Steph Leann. One is beloved by everyone with a rainbow sticker on the back of their car. One is the guy next door. One is dating the guy next door.

One is The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen.

One is The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert.

Both are performing tonight... why? Well, because...

THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL

Randy the Dawg, Kara the New Hotness, Paula the Green and Simon the Cowell are all ready to heap lavish praise, adoration and love for The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert, and ready to resist any urge to possibly compliment The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen, no matter how good he does.

Each guy has three songs to sing. The first is a rehash of a favorite performance from this year, one is a song chosen by Simon Fuller, the show's creator, and one is a song co-written by Kara the New Hotness.

And The Lovely Steph Leann's heart is all a twitter from "Glee", a show about high school show choir, a show that The Lovely Steph Leann has been gushing about for weeks.

The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert's parents look normal... heck, his mom even kinda looks cute. And we have this guy now. He's doing his version of "Mad World", one he got raves on weeks ago during "Music During Your Birth Year" Week. I think The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert should have been in Tears for Fears. He would have fit. Or perhaps The Pet Shop Boys.

When I was in high school, I had a friend named Victor who's favorite band was R.E.M. Another guy, Joey, used to tease him and tell him R.E.M. stood for Rear End Men. Don't know why I thought about that while watching The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert. Hmm.

Randy the Dawg gushes. Kara the New Hotness gushes. Paula the Green gushes. The camera cuts to the fallen Idols, including Anoop Dogg, Matty G and The Gokanator. Simon the Cowell gushes, though said he thought it was a little over theatrical. Really, Simon? When has this guy not been?

The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen's parents look normal, discussing when he would give them "music coupons" for him to sing. It sucks that they pick their best of the season, as he did "Heartless" last week, a song in which, for the first time ever during Idol, I went and downloaded the performance from iTunes.

He's doing "Ain't No Sunshine", from Bill Withers, and out of the corner of my eye, I can see The Lovely Steph Leann nodding her head. The Lovely Steph Leann loves her some The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen. She claps when its over. There are 25 "I know"s in this song, though he only sings 16 of them.

Randy the Dawg laughs uncomfortably, which makes me and The Lovely Steph Leann both go "uh-oh". However, he loved it. Kara the New Hotness gushes, surprisingly. Paula the Green gushes incoherently. Simon the Cowell admits that last week he wasn't sure if American made the right choice, picking him over Dead Wife... "but after that performance, I take all that back now."

Alright its Round Two...

The shows producers have picked Sam Cooke's "A Change is Going To Come" for The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert. Funny how he's dressing normal, toning down the freak-o-the-week style, almost leaning conservative to be the middle of the road. So he'll get more votes.

That's right... this is quite possibly your next American Idol. Live it. Love it.

And here's our first screech of the night, followed by a mini-screech, then another mini-screech, and here's the big finish. And boom... there it is. Four screeches in one song... that's a huge mark to beat.

Randy the Dawg feels liberated from the white man. Kara the New Hotness feels white guilt. Paula the Green stands up and pays reparations. Simon the Cowell feels no guilt, as he's British.

The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen sits onstage, guitar in hand, singing Simon Fuller's choice for him, "What's Going On", made famous by... Marvin Gaye?

I note that, "...he is singing his ever lovin' heart out". Without looking away from the screen, The Lovely Steph Leann just replies, "Mmm hmm."

Randy the Dawg thought it was a bit light for the room and the competition. Kara the New Hotness gushes. Paula the Green gushes. Simon the Cowell didn't care for it, wondering why he didn't make it his own version. Simon, really? Have you ever heard Marvin Gaye's version? Seriously...?

So, the crappy song that always comes out of Idol is called "No Boundaries", though the subtitle is "(for a moment like this) Flying Without Heavenly Wings... Now". And like all the rest, its pretty crappy. Its always inspirational, its always a bomb on the radio (because no one wants to hear it) and its always much maligned by everyone I know.

Oh, The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert just sang it. Randy the Dawg actually said it was pitchy. Kara the New Hotness gushes about him singing a song that she co-wrote. Paula the Green says, "Adjectives cannot express what you've brought to this show..." then follows it up with, "...whats an adjective?" Simon the Cowell laughs about the song, saying, "Its the mountains and the hurricanes again..." (he pronounces it "hurri-kins")

And finally... The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen takes on "No Boundaries". Can you imagine he and The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert discussing this song backstage... "Dude, [The Ambiguously Gay] Adam... this song sucks. Seriously."
"No kidding [The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol] Kris. No kidding. I'm going to have to majorly suck up to Kara the New Hotness."

And unfortunately, The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen... doesn't do that song all that well. Actually, it wasn't good. Randy the Dawg thought it was pretty good. Kara the New Hotness doesn't want The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen to be judged over the whole season, not just that song. Paula the Green, who, by the way is wearing this shocking lime green blouse that can be seen from space, blubbers. Simon the Cowell doesn't judge the song, just tells him that he should be very proud.

Honestly? I think The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen should be happier in 2nd than 1st. Less restrictions. By this time, he, The Ambiguously Gay Adam, Dead Wife and My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta are going to have the careers that they'll have anyway. Only The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert will have a guaranteed record deal.

The Lovely Steph Leann is texting her votes to Idol for her next American Idol. That's Kris Allen, by the way.

"Ain't No Sunshine"... "What's Going On"... "A Change is Gonna Come"... "Mad World"... The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert's "No Boundaries". The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen's "No Boundaries".

By the way, they are showing a Idol Season montage filled with all the contestants that did and didn't make it, and singing Motley Crue's "Home Sweet Home" is none other than Carrie Underwood, who has continually gotten hotter and hotter as the years have gone by. No joke.


To counter-act the possibilities of tossing my lunch due to the first picture...