Idol's Final Results

Well, its 1034pm, I just came in the door after doling out magic for the better part of 8 hours and, thusfar, have made it successfully upstairs to talk to The Lovely Steph Leann before she goes to sleep, back downstairs to check my email and over to Clouds in My Coffee without finding out who won. MZ texted me and told me that the show was really good, and my reply was, "Don't tell me nothing! I can't watch it until at least 10 or 11!" Luckily she complied...

So... let's start, in real time...

BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL'S SEASON FINALE!!!

10:36p... Seacrest stands between The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert and The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen, both dressed in solid white. Sure to be lots of former Idols in the audience, lots of celebs in the audience, there's a Courtney Cox sighting...

10:38p... The judges are introduced, with Randy Jackson, Randy the Dawg, busting up with this big red bow tie. I want to wear a bow tie one day. Its like some accessories... it works for some people, for others, its a disaster... just like The Lovely Steph Leann can wear a hat in church. She knows how to wear it, she looks good, I've heard other people say, "No one can wear a hat like Stephanie Dollar". I wonder if I can do a bow tie.

10:40p... Next is Kara DioGuardi, Kara the New Hotness. There's been some speculation as to whether she's necessary, or needed, or anyone likes her. I thought she was great. And yes, I think she's quite attractive.

10:41p... Up next is Paula Abdul, aka, Paula the Flake. Paula the Blubberer. Paula the Blitherer. Paula the Droolin' Hoobernoogin. That would be our lovely Paula. I've been over how she was awesome back in the day, so I won't go into that, but I will say... she makes me laugh so much. Not just laugh, but look on in confusion and amazement.

10:45p... Simon Cowell, Simon the Cowell, appearing once again in a black jacket and a white shirt. My friend Kevin Spivey reminds me of Simon the Cowell.

10:46p... Those white outfits the Idols are wearing would be absolute nightmares when eating a Dairy Queen chili dog. They cut to Mikalah Gordon, in Conway, AR, hometown of The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen. Mikalah was one of the most annoying Idols ever. Over in San Diego, we see Carly Smithson, who I really like. She's like a better MJC.

There apparently are some mic problems, as The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert and The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen can barely be heard. See, I have a problem with this. This show, American Idol, is the number one show in the country for five months out of the year. Its generated what, enough to almost support President B. Hussein Obama's budget? (or Bush's war, depending on how you want to spin it... well, maybe not either). This is the show that now artists come to to try and promote their new stuff... my point is, when its time for the finale, the producers should have an all-star line up for everything. The best gaffer, the best best boy, the best associate director, the best anything and everything for this show. And, the best tech guys you can possibly put your hands on... all that is to say, there is NO EXCUSE for mics going out. None. None. None. No excuse for any kind of technical glitches short of . But I digress.

10:48p... Doing a P!nk song, "So What", here comes all 13 American Idol contestants from this year. At least I'll get to see Alexis Grace again and... wait, what am I doing? I've been watching the group song! Aaaah!!! Fast forward!!!

10:54p... David Cook doing his latest single, "Permanent". He lost his brother a few weeks ago, and is putting this performance on iTunes, and all the sales will go to a cancer research charity. Classy, classy guy, seriously. Also, a hot Carrie Underwood sighting. And Justin Giarini?

10:55p... The Annual Golden Idols, silly little awards to take hilarous potshots at this seasons who didn't quite make the show. Yes, yes, God loves them all. Yes, yes, we are directed to love them to. Yes, we should appreciate their talents. And yes, this video is hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. They even show the guy who makes Barry White sound like a soprano...

10:58p... And Nick Mitchell, aka, Norman Gentle. Part of me wishes he'd made the Top 13. The people over at Vote for the Worst would have collectively passed out at the same time, wondering if there were any better gifts. Norman Gentle wins the Golden Idol for "Best/Worst Male". And he comes up to give a speech... and then he strips. Seriously, I have yet to laugh a single time at this guy.

11p... No kidding, though, man's got some pipes. Seriously. Here's the first duet of the night... Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah with "Cue the Rain". Do any of you remember when Queen Latifah had a talk show? I used to love that show! It would come on Fox every day, and for those Coffee Drinkers not around here, you can hear our local Fox affliate on the radio on 87.7... so, everyday I'd go out and grab lunch, and at 2p, I'd turn it on 87.7 to hear The Queen Latifah Show. Loved me some Queenie L. I also dug The Ricki Lake Show, which was cancelled, giving the time slot to The Queen Latifah Show, which was cancelled, giving was to Maury Povich which, if you've never seen it, makes you feel great about your life...

...mostly because you realize how many people are out there that are more pathetic than you. Did someone say Jerry Springer? At least Jerry knows his guests are completel morons and the show is absolutely ridiculous. Maury Povich wants you to respect him as a serious journalist. Which is why Jazmine is there, waiting on the results of the lie detector test to tell her weather Jamal is actually the father of her cousin Muffy's baby (Jamal says it isn't him, he "ain't neva' been with that ho!") Is he? We'll find out next!

11:08p... Anoop Dogg is onstage now. I guess its another duet, joined by Alexis Grace (just in time, as I was reaching for the remote). And here comes Jason Mraz... I'll be honest... when he first came out with "The Remedy (I won't worry)" I thought he was a flash in the pan. I liked the song, but he kind of annoyed me... but... nowadays, I really like Mraz. "You and I Both" is one of my favorite tunes, pulling in over 20 plays on the iPod. And yes, I'll be interested in hearing Alexis Grace's first single.

11:10p... Here is a video of The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen's journey through Idol. And though you could have forseen The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert and possibly The Widower Danny Gokey making the final two by the beginning of the Top 12 shows, The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen kinda snuck up on some people. He was that guy that people usually complimented by saying, "You know who I have really started liking? Kris Allen..."

11:13p... That being said, I'm fast forwarding through his duet with keith urban.

11:14p... The girls are up now, singing "Glamorous", which I can only guess will have Fergie coming out soon enough. MJC sounds terrible. There's one chick that I can't even remember her name...

Between "F to the E, the R, G, the I, the E" and "G.. L... A... M... O... R... O U S", Fergie should have titled her CD "Spelling Bee".

She's singing "Big Girls Don't Cry". In the same vein of shame that makes me watch movies on The Lifetime Movie Network starring Judith Light and William Devane, I listen to Fergie. I think "Fergalicious" is both the most ridiculous and moronic, yet brilliant and awesome song. I'm now going to turn on the gas logs and stick my head in the fire.


This was one of the tamest Fergie photos I found online. She likes to dress skimpy. Just an FYI in case any of you guys decide to Google "Fergie"

11:16pm... So, all of a sudden, the Black Eyed Peas come out, Will.I.Am starts singing, Fergie jumps in, then everything goes silent, they show an Idol logo, then they cut back to the performance.

11:16p... Fergie. Freakin' hot. She wasn't before, but the break between "The Dutchess" and the new Peas album, plus marriage (to Josh Duhamel from Transformers) has done wonders. She looks amazing.

11.17p... Will.I.Am is pretty good in "X-Men Origins: Wolverine", by the way.

11:17p... "Boom Boom Pow" is a pretty cool name for a song, too.

11:17p... Should I start calling myself Da.V.Id?

(by the way, I was looking for the "Fergalicious" video online to post, and I found the greatest Fergalicious tribute EVER. I'll be posting that in a few days...)


Its a little low on video quality... no, I mean the presentation, not the actual video, though some might argue that point... anyway, I think someone put a camera up to their tv. Anyway, I've got the video on my iPod, and yes, I've watched/listened it more than 40 times. I hate myself.

11:19p... More Golden Idols, this time for Best Attitude... and of course, there's Bikini Girl, who, unlike Fergie, hasn't gotten better as time goes by. Then there's Alexis Cohen, the screaming, raging chick who scares everyone. Of course, Bikini Girl comes out, looking as homely as she did before, in her small bikini. Why couldn't Fergie wear that? Seacrest tosses out a great one... "I was going to ask you what's new, but I think I know..." as she throws back her hair off of her... well, her boobalies. She is now trying to butcher... well, not trying, she IS butchering "Vision of Love"... and who comes out, but Kara the New Hotness, as they sing the song together. Kara the New Hotness isn't perfect, but sounds pretty doggone good. Then she rips her dress open, revealing her own bikini. Don't get me wrong, she looks fine as all get out, but what is this, Cinemax Idol?

What happened to "fine"? Does anyone else remember when "hot" was "fine"? If a girl was pretty, we'd say "She is FINE!" and the chicks would discuss guys being "FINE"! Its only the last several years has "hot" surpassed "Fine" as the go-to adjective to describe the shallow, surface only appearance of the opposite sex. I miss "Fine". The Chiffons would have never had a lasting hit with "He's So Hot"... its "He's So Fine".

The Goddess? Fine. Ashley Tisdale? Fine. Amy Adams? Fine. See how it works? Maybe we should bring it back. Oh, and what about Pickles????


You all knew I couldn't end this season without my beloved Pickles!

11:25p... My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta is sitting with Cyndi Lauper, singing on of my favorite 100 songs of all time, "Time After Time". My favorite version of this, though, is by Nichole Nordeman, from her "Live at the Door" live CD, which is just remarkable. Back to the show, for being 86 years old, Cyndi Lauper looks fantastic.

11:30p... Seacrest talks to the Allen family and the Lambert family. Then we cut to The Widower Danny Gokey, singing "Hello" by Lionel Richie... oh, please please please let Lionel come out.. please please please Father in Heaven God please I pray let Lionel come out... why? Cause Lionel Richie is AWESOME and you know this.

Not only that, but this video's unintentional comedy rating is somewhere in the 100s.

And here comes Lionel Richie! Yeah! I am so seriously thinking of growing me a Lionel 'stache. Still reminds me of Chris Tucker in "Rush Hour"... "Lionel Richie ain't been black since the Commodores!" Dude, his Commodore mustache has to be one for the ages... no kidding.

He and Dead Wife sing a newer song, "Just Chill", and then kick it old school by tossing out some "All Night Long", which in retrospect, is just a fun song. We're going to party... caramba... fiesta... forever... all night long (all night, all night)... all night long (all night, all night)... everyone you meet, there's dancing in the street (all night)... everyone you meet, there's dancing in the street (all night).

When I worked at Cox Radio, I spent time on the Rob & Shannon Morning Show, and as a result, I got meet some fun celebrities, however B-List they might be. I met Fred Travelina, and Rodger from Survivor Outback and Harry Anderson, and honestly, I don't get starstruck. Just never do. However, when I met Kevin Pollak, I was star struck. I was like, "Wow, its Kevin Pollack, holy crap!" and my friends later said, "You get star struck over the oddest celebrities..."

I think if I ever met Lionel Richie, I would be star struck, in a way that I wouldn't be if I met Jon Bon Jovi or Bono or any of the Hootie guys.

11:40p... We now see The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert's journey through Idol. Let's be honest here... the guy has a great voice. I mean, really, you can't deny how good he can sing. For someone who doesn't have a trained voice, I can tell he can sing, but for those who have trained voices, they think he can sing even more so.

Its not the outfits... heck, I (I just had to pause the DVR, because The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert just appeared on stage, wearing the weirdest outfit ever, which I didn't understand until I heard him sing the words... "Beth I hear you calling..." which made me nod my head and say, "Yeah. Gene Simmons. That explains it.") loved 70s flambouyant crazy Elton John--his best music was from that day and age. Its not the Ambiguously Gay Gayness, cause no, I'm not a homophobe. We don't even know if he's gay. He's never told us he was. I mean look at Clay Ai... I mean... look at Lance Ba... um... I mean, look at... oh, forget it.

Its the screech. I hate it. I can't stand it. Perhaps in the same way that some Michael Jackson haters didn't like the "woo!' and the "shi-moh!" in his music, thereby causing them to not like Michael Jackson. For me and The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert, its the screech. Drives me nuts. Do I want to see him win or lose? I don't care. Seriously. I'd rather have The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen win, but I'm okay with The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert winning. Does bother me that his boots are consistantly covered in saliva from the judges licking his boots every single episode.

11:46p... YES! YES!! YESS!!!! I channel Beavis & Butthead as The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert finishes "Beth" and introduces KISS!!! The entire band, full makeup and everything...

You know, if I were The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen, I'd be hacked off. He got Keith Urban... and The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert gets KISS???? How is that remotely fair? Typical of this show. And there's a screech, sandwiched between Gene Simmons and Ace. And in case you had forgotten the screech sound, he gives you another. And one more. And another. Like, four in a row? I'm not sure my brain can handle his brilliance.

11:51p... Santana stands on stage, doing his guitar mastery. Matty G, who also is very, very lucky, sings the opening verse to the classic "Black Magic Woman" before Santana busts into "Smooth", which is a great song. I think I lost my taste for "Smooth" because during that year, it was played about 9,388 per day and I heard it almost that many times... I think radio stations were just playing only that song... "This is 99.3, Smooth FM, playing 'Smooth' over and over non stop. All 'Smooth', all the time. 99.3 Smooth FM".

11:53p... Was that Rachel McAdams in the audience? Fine.

11:54p... Ford Music video! Where's the remote! Featuring David Cook! Awarding them their own 2010 Ford Fusion! Wouldn't The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert rather drive a Scion?

11:55p... Megan G, Mike the Oil Welder (I can't remember which he does, oil or weld, so we'll go with both) and... Steve Martin. That's right, Steve Martin. MJC, who still cannot sing, has this look on her face that is cracking me up... while Mike the Oil Welder is seemingly really enjoying himself, knowing this is as good as its going to get for him, music wise, MJC has this "Okay, so The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert gets KISS... The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen gets Keith Urban... freakin' Lil Rounds, who didn't even make it to the Final Five gets Queen Latifah... and I... I get Steve Martin playing a banjo? This is what I get???"

11:58p... And now, the new trailer for "G-Force", another film in the long line of crappy talking animal films from Disney... when I saw on IMDB that "G-Force" was in the pipeline, I was really excited, because I thought it was a long overdue movie version of the classic 70s cartoon, "Gatchaman", also known as "Battle of the Planets"... "G-Force". I was mucho disappointedo when I found out it was about a covert group of secret government agent spies who happened to be guinea pigs. Sigh.

12:01a... More music! I keep waiting for Scott the Blind Vampire to do some stuff with someone.... Ronnie Milsap? Stevie Wonder? All the Idol guys are doing "If You Think I'm Sexy", which is a song that The Eyebrowed One should never be allowed to sing... cause he ain't.

12:03a... Here comes Rod Stewart. Those familiar chords that we all know and love lead to... "Wake up Maggie, I think I've got something to say to you..." When I'm at Starbucks and make a drink, and the name on the cup is "Maggie", I usually say "Wake up Maggie I think I've got a drink for you..." out loud. And I laugh at my brilliant wit and fantastic humor.

12:05a... Rod is old. And this is painful. I'm not sure his hair has changed since 1976. Fast forward.

12:06a... The Outstanding Female Golden Idol nominees... and we have a sighting of Tatiana the Annoying. Can you imagine a Final Two with Tatiana the Annoying and Norman Gentle? Fox would go bankrupt and Rupert Murdoch would kill himself. You know who gets this award... Tatiana the Annoying.

So... I'm not sure if its staged or not... but Tatiana the Annoying comes to the stage, Seacrest tells her they have to go to break, she runs onstage and grabs the mic and starts to sing, Seacrest and several security guards are chasing her around the stage, she is still singing...

Cut to Ruben Studdard in the audience, with a total "What the..." look on his face. I agree, Big Daddy, I agree.

12:10a... The new Transformers movie trailer makes me giddy. Absolutely nerdy giddy. That big robot looking like a bad-A unicycle? Awesome.

12:10a... Did anyone else notice that they haven't gone back to Mikalah Gordon or Carly Smithson for anything?

12:11a... The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert and The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen stand side by side, singing "We Are the Champions". And out comes Queen, sans Freddy. I totally think the The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert should do an album of Queen songs, because I can totally see him becoming a Freddy Mercury of the 2000s. Let's pray without the AIDS part.

12:14a... Drives me nuts when I hear radio stations play "We Will Rock You" and don't play this song immediately after it. They are two different songs, but MUST be played back to back. While "We Are the Champions" can stand on its own, though I don't think it should unless its the ending credits of "Revenge of the Nerds", "We Will Rock You" needs this song to follow it. This is the only acceptable way to hear "We Will Rock You". It's like playing "American Pie" or "Lyin' Eyes" and cutting off the last verse just to save time. Unacceptable. Let's move on.


NOT EMMY TURNBOW SAFE... three curse words line the dialogue. But this is one of the few acceptable usages of "We Are the Champions" without "We Will Rock You". And a classic ending from a cheesy, awesome 80s movie.

12:15a... I'm also excited for "Funny People", with Seth Rogan and Adam Sandler. And Leslie Mann. Leslie Mann? Fine.

12:18a... Alright, let's finally get to the end of this season and this episode, also entitled "Foregone Conclusion". Simon the Cowell gives them both a little encouragement, and Mr. Bean Counter comes out and hands Seacrest the results in a sealed envelope.

12:19a... Dim the lights.

12:19... And your winner is...

12:20... What?

12:20... What? What did... what?

12:21... (rewinding DVR, looking around for The Lovely Steph Leann's possible sabotage of the video to make the ending she wanted to happen actually happen...)

12:21... Kris Allen. Huh.

12:21... Didn't see that coming.

Postscript... Had more than one or two people comment to me today about how terrible that song "No Boundries" was. And right now, I have to believe that The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert is soooooo freakin' happy he doesn't have to sing that song again.

Where will The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen rank amongst Idol winners? No way he reaches Carrie Underwood or Kelly Clarkson. I think David Cook still surpasses him, but I think he'll have a better career than Jordin Sparks and certainly Taylor Hicks... Fantasia has done more outside of music, but strictly with music, he'll take her out too.

AND FINALLY... I hope that you've enjoyed my take on Idol, and I hope that you will continue to stop by Clouds in My Coffee even thought Idol is over this year. And if you like it, if you get a laugh out of what you read, or you enjoy my take on life and pop culture, or disagree too, then tell a friend.

Kris Allen, huh? Hm. The Lovely Steph Leann? Fine.