Jennifer Garner & the McGriddle Effect (reviews on Wolverine and other selected films)

It's really late, and I'm kinda tired after pushing the magic all day long at The Happiest Place in the Mall. But... we have a house guest coming on Monday, and The Lovely Steph Leann is in full-clean mode, meaning I'll have lots to do tomorrow night when I get home from work. So, I figured it would be as good a night as any to discuss the recent flicks I've seen... starting with...

"X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE"
Personally, despite the mixed reviews from critics, I thought this film was pretty good. Was it as good as the first "X-Men"? No. Was it as good as "X2: X-Men United"? No. Was it as good as "X-Men: The Last Stand"? Better.

Essentially we see a young James Howlett and a young Victor Creed, half brothers in the film (though in the comics they are unrelated), growing up together. James, who would eventually be Wolverine, and Victor, who would eventually become Sabretooth, grow up together, fighting in both World Wars and Vietnam, before eventually being roped into a special team of ops with other mutants to do some dirty work for the military. While Victor loves the violence and the chance to bear his claws, James, who takes on the name "Logan", has enough and walks out.
So it comes to pass that... well, they end up fighting. There's a chick involved, the leader of the special ops force--General Stryker--is a bad guy, and there is lots and lots of cool comic book action.


This is one of the coolest movie posters of the summer, with (L-R) Deadpool, Gambit, Wolverine, Sabretooth & Kayla Silverfox. I will now go and adjust my pocket protector, watch C-SPAN and do long division for fun.

The Colin Firth Club Member in good standing, Hugh Jackman, reprises his X-movie role of Wolverine, and does a great job at it. I even think of Hugh when I read the comics now... a great part, though, is Liev Schreiber playing Victor Creed, aka Sabretooth, though I don't remember him actually being called Sabretooth in the movie. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed Ryan Reynolds as the mutant Deadpool, and of course, Gambit (Taylor Kitsch) was awesome. I had heard that Gambit was supposed to be in the 2nd X-Men film, but for budgetary reasons was left out.

You'll also see a young Scott Summers (Cyclops) and a cool appearance by Emma Frost, who was rumored to be played by Sigourney Weaver, had Bryan Singer remained to direct the last film.

If you aren't a comic person, or didn't like any of the aforementioned X-Films, then "Wolverine" is not your bag, baby... it truly does take a hold of the X-Lore and try to play it out onscreen.

"GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST"
Now, I like a fun chick flick as much as the next guy... well, I guess it depends on the guy, but seriously, in the top twenty of The Dave100, there are no less than five chick flicks there. I try to always mention that when I talk about a chick flick, as you might think that I would be biased against it just cause I am a guy...


Sandra and Connor spar over the fallen, broken wedding cake

...that being said, I kinda liked this film. I mean, its not going to end up on the 100 Coolest of 2009, I'm sure, but its one that if it came on cable, I may or may not stop to watch.
The premise is this... Connor Mead (played by Wooderson) is this guy who loves women, loves being with women and loved breaking up with women when he's done. As predicted, there is one girl who has always had his heart, and that would be Jennifer Perotti (played by Jennifer Garner)..

...by the way, I cannot figure out if I like Jennifer Garner or not. I mean, I liked "13 Going On 30" well enough, and though I thought "Elektra" was terrible, she at least was a shining point in a dismal film... but as for how she looks, she's either incredibly hot or incredibly unattractive. Its the McGriddle Effect. I'm either really attracted to her, or I'm really, really not. I don't think there's an in between. Where was I?

Well, Connor Mead shows up for his brother's wedding weekend (Breckin Meyer, who is the lead singer for the band LoveBurger and a pretty funny actor, plays the brother, and Lacey Chabert, who I have no problem admitting I think is incredibly hot) and of course, calamity ensues. Enter Uncle Wayne, played by a so-creepy-he's-hilarious Michael Douglas, who has been dead for years, but comes back to tell Connor that there will be three ghosts visiting him to help him change his ways... the ghosts of girlfriends past, present and future... and you see where this is going, I'm sure.

Anyway, there is no new ground being broken here, the take on "A Christmas Carol" has been done before and better, but all in all, its an enjoyable film for lighthearted, I-dont-wanna-think-too-hard kinds of afternoons. I say afternoon because this is recommended as a matinee, not a $9.25 evening show... or even better, wait for the dollar theater. And tell me what you think of Jennifer Garner. Cause I just don't know.


When I mentioned Jennifer Garner to someone as pretty, they said "Really? She's got a 'horse face'!" I thought that was really mean, then I thought, "But... I can see that..."

"SALEM'S LOT"
Just finished watching the 1979 mini-series on dvd. Read the book three times, it might be overtaking "It" as my favorite King book (though I'm reading "It" now for the first time in almost 20 years, so we'll see), and saw the pretty lackluster movie with Rob Lowe from a few years ago, so I figured I'd put the old one on Netflix. It came a few days ago, and I finally got around to watching it.

It sucked.

"17 AGAIN"
Anyone under 25 or so will probably enjoy this movie more than people over 25. People under 25 have no concept of Tom Hank's brilliant "Big", or perhaps they've only seen it on Comedy Central, or because they are dating someone over 25 who said, "Oh, you have to watch this film!". But those under 25 certainly won't remember "Vice Versa", or "18 Again" or "Like Father, Like Son" or "Dream a Little Dream", and its a good chance that those over 25 might have to strain to remember those classics starring... Fred Savage & Judge Reinhold ("Vice Versa")... George Burns & Charlie Schlatter ("18 Again")... Dudley Moore & Kirk Cameron ("Like Father, Like Son", which admittedly I had forgotten about until I started looking for movie links and found it)... and seriously, who could forget the Oscar nominated, Golden Globe winning efforts of not only Corey Haim but ALSO Corey Feldman in "Dream a Little Dream".

Of course, the granddaddy of all of these switch 'em up movies was "Freaky Friday", starring a young Jodie Foster, excellently remade in 2003 with a then-sane Lindsay Lohan and a pre-Activia Jamie Lee Curtis.

I mention all of this to remind you that this whole young-to-old-to-young plotline is not new. "17 Again" gives you what you've seen before, but in a slightly different way. The older guy this time is played by Chandler Bing, and to be taught how good is life is, he much transform into a younger guy, played by Colin Firth Club intern Zac Efron, and go back to high school. Now, sarcasm aside, I actually thought this movie was pretty funny... there are two reasons why I like this movie:

1) Thomas Lennon. He plays the nerdy, geeky, gawky Ned (who names their kid Ned? I mean, really?) who somehow is best friends with Zac's cool Mike (this would never happen, by the way), and grows up to be a rich software developer who lives in his geekdom apartment. For me, Lennon steals every scene he's in.
2) Leslie Mann. Its no secret that I'm in love with Amy Adams. However, I could easily remove "Amy Adams" from that sentence and easily slip in "Leslie Mann".


Every time she's in a movie, she's wonderful. And gorgeous.

To sum up, "17 Again" is worth a viewing, because even though you've been down this road before, its not a bad trip. Another film you could pay a buck for and not feel bad.

(pardon me while one of my favorite parts of The #1 film on The Dave100 plays on television right now... can't turn away...)

(...and I'm back)

"FAST & FURIOUS"
Oh. My. Gosh. Where do I even start?

This is perhaps the silliest, stupidest, most unintentionally funny movie this side of "An Inconvenient Truth"... from the very first moment of this movie, I was giggling.

When I was at Troy State, we knew this guy named Mike who was a TKE. Now, TKE's were kind of the joke frat at TSU (Can't go Greek? Go Teek. Can't go Teek? Go home!), and Mike was no exception. He wanted to be liked so badly, he wanted people to look at him, and chicks to love him and he wanted people to know how cool he was. In order to do this, he liked to walk around, come to lunch at SAGA and sometimes go to class... with his shirt off. The guy was pasty white, and though he definately was built (I would never say these things to his face), we all got a laugh out it, because he took himself sooooo seriously.

This movie is like Mike at TSU. It so desperately wants you to like it, it will do all the things it thinks you will think is cool, and yet, you will end up just laughing at it.

Vin Diesel cannot say more than two or three multi-syllabic words in a single sentence, and absolutely cannot speak above a low growl. Every single one of his lines is spoken in a low growl... "I'm going to make them pay for this..." Low growl. "You killed Letty. I'm going to kill you..." Low growl. "Mia, do you have any 2% milk..." Low growl.

Essentially, there is this crazy nutzoid gas stealing scene at the very beginning, where Dom and Letty and the gang try to swipe a few tanker trucks of oil as it drives down the highway--I mean, lets not pull the guy off of the road with a shotgun aimed at his head, nay, let's toss Michelle Rodriguez on a moving 18 wheeler to unhitch the trailers.


Vin and Paul, in all their cheesy glory

Anyway, she dies, Dom gets angry, he re-teams with Paul Walker to infultrate the bad guy gang and get the guy who killed her and so on and so on... whatever. The plot here is not important.

Look, this movie can be summed one in two lines of dialogue... so, Paul Walker and Vin Diesel are standing on a cliff, on the US side, overlooking the Mexican border. Paul Walker, the special agent, leaned up against his hot rod, looks at Vin Diesel and says, "This is where my jurisdiction ends." Vin, who never takes his eyes off the Mexican town below, says, in a low growl, "...This is where my jurisdiction begins."

I laughed so hard the people two rows in front of me turned their heads a little toward me.

AND FINALLY...
As you can probably guess, I'm pretty excited for "Up", and "Terminator Salvation" and "Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian" (which has Amy Adams, whom I'm in love with) and of course, the new Harry Potter flick... but here's a trailer for one that you may not know about, and I'm kinda anxious to see it... its got a sorely missed Nia Vardalos, my favorite Greek actress of all time in a brand new movie...

Star Trek: The Official Clouds Review

If the blog sounds really choppy and not very articulate, well... its my fault. I'm reeeeally tired and its reeeeally late, but I wanted to get this written before "Star Trek" opened fully this weekend... The Lovely Steph Leann and I caught one of a few sneak previews around town tonight...

Old joke I used to tell... "You know the difference in Star Wars fans and Star Trek fans, right? Star Wars fans get dates."

There are two kinds of Star people in this world... Trek people and Wars people. Well, three, if you count those who just don't give a rip, but those are people I don't associate with too much (I kid, I kid!)

I have always been a Wars person. The mythology of the space lore, the mystique of the Jedi (of course, George Lucas ruined that with the whole midi-chlorian deal in "The Phantom Menace", but that's a different column), the evil of the Empire, the coolness of Han Solo, the growling of Chewbacca, Princess Leia in a gold bikini... Star Wars probably also had an unfair advantage as it was new and huge as I was growing up. I saw "The Empire Strikes Back" first in 1982, at the age of 7, then not too long after that, watched "Star Wars" probably thirty times in a month when it premiered on HBO.

Star Trek, on the other hand, was already long gone by the time I was born, or even old enough to remember what I was watching. The first movie came out in 1979, and I honestly don't even remember anything about it. Did I even see it? I'm not sure. Now, 1982's "The Wrath of Khan" was a masterpiece, and the fourth film, 1985's "The Voyage Home" was pretty good... beyond that, most of the films were pretty terrible.



I do remember watching "Star Trek: The Next Generation" in the late 80s, with a new episode premiering every Saturday night on CBS at 1035... but after a while, I lost interest, just catching a few here and there (the battle with The Borg was fantastic). The later movies featuring TNG cast started with 1994's "Generations", which was decent, but everything after that wasn't all that great. I actually had to look up the name of the last Star Trek film ("Nemesis" in 2002) because I couldn't remember it, and am pretty sure I've never even seen it, nor wanted to.

This blog and the paragraphs that begin it isn't about the greatness of Star Wars (at least the original trilogy, which I liken to Mark McGwire before the steroids revelations... the second trilogy is McGwire after steroid revelations, as in, still just as awesome, but missing the luster and magic), its just about setting up my thoughts on the new film "Star Trek", directed by JJ Abrams, the Lost and Alias guy, so you'll know where I'm coming from.

Not being a huge Star Trek fan, but having seen enough of it to appreciate its cultural impact, know who the characters are and understanding the villains, I was excited about this new movie coming up... it was a "rebirth" of sorts, much like "Batman Begins" was a reboot and a retelling of the story that has been told before.

"Star Trek" goes back to the very beginning, from the heroic death of George Kirk, the birth of James T. Kirk and the introduction of Spock. We also see the brand new starship, the U.S.S. Enterprise, the young Bones, the young Uhura, a great Eric Bana as a Romulan bad guy, and all sorts of "Hey, I'm ---" and "I'm ---" as characters we've known forever meet for the first time.

There is a plot line here that involves black holes, time travel and a Vulcan planet, but I promise its not as convoluted as it sounds...

I loved this movie. I loved how it started, I loved the story, I loved the effects, I loved how it ended, I just thought this flick was absolutely worth the wait and just awesome. I really enjoyed how JJ Abrams didn't take the movie soooo seriously... there are a lot of Trek fans out there, so he had to walk a fine line between telling a story that people who aren't necessarily Trekkies will enjoy and want to see, and not angering or upsetting those very Trekkies who, despite the fact some of them have never kissed a girl (by the way, I looked for that Shatner SNL skit, and couldn't find it anywhere...), have basically kept the franchise alive for forty years.

Abrams does a great job at walking that line... I think anyone who isn't familiar with Star Trek will just enjoy a good science fiction story, and anyone who knows the story will recognize some of the little salutes to the original that have found its way into the film. The officer who goes with Sulu and Kirk down to the alien planet--you know he's not coming back. We know this because we've seen the show. Bones yelling, "Dammit, I'm a doctor!" and Scotty yelling, "We're giving it all she's got cap-pin!" were lines that I cracked up on, as did many other people in the theater. Even the Kobayashi Maru training scene is a throwback to the original cast, and there's a slight shout-out to the interracial barrier broken by the original series (when Kirk and Uhura kissed on television. Gasp.)

The casting was also superb... Chris Pine made for a great Capt. Kirk, but his surrounding players really made the movie shine. John Cho, an awesome That Guy character actor who criminally isn't given much to do beyond a great fight sequence that didn't last long enough, plays Sulu. John Cho is the guy in the trailer that looks all bad-A when he rips off his helmet, holding a sword around the 1:53 mark in the trailer video above. A hilarious Simon Pegg shows up later as Scotty, and has many one liners of his own. Kirk meets up with Bones McCoy early, and Bones, played by Karl Urban (Eomer in the 2nd and 3rd Lord of the Rings movies), proves to be a great comedic character, and the chick playing Uhura... well, she does a great job playing a pretty girl, let me just say that.

Of course, you have to notice Zack Quinto as Spock, in his feature film debut, though everyone knows him as Sylar from "Heroes". His Spock is amazing, and fits just about perfectly. Matter of fact, if I have to find a weakness in the entire casting process, it might be Leonard Nimoy himself, and maybe its because he's old, or maybe its because he was never that great to begin with, but all of his lines sound straight off of a cue card, and so wooden. Just sayin'.

Anyway, I can highly recommend this film to anyone who's ever had a remote interest in Star Trek, be it the Original Series, or the Next Generation, or Deep Space Nine or Voyager or Enterprise or Tribbletown or Space Babylon or Battleship Starlactica or whatever they've called the 87 spin off shoes... for any die-hard Trekkies, loosen up a little. JJ Abrams made his film in love. Its great.

Coming soon... reviews on "17 Again", "Fast & Furious", "Wolverine" and "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past"...

Idol Styx It to Rock (now with results!)

RESULTS...

Here's the opening... we see glimpses and flashes of the remaining Idol contestants, they each tell us how ready they are to rock, how ready they are to win this whole thing, we see the judges comment here and there on various things, and Seacrest comes out to tell us that around 87,980,000,003 people voted last night, right after asking, "Who will graduate from the school of rock... and who will just get schooled?"

This, of course, is American Idol.

Tonight, No Doubt performs, as does Daughtry, as does Paula the Flake, so there's a good chance we might see some or all of the performances, but definately not the group song, and no chance on the Ford Commercial.

Randy the Dawg, Kara the New Hotness, looking especially New Hotnessed, Paula the Flake and Simon the Cowell all wave to the audience.

While I was working at The Happiest Place in the Mall, somewhere around 7:12pm, I heard a scream and a hoot from somewhere in the distance. It makes sense now. I heard Drew Morris when Slash came on stage to perform for the group song, which I skip past.

It speaks to how big this show has become... do you think Slash comes on to Idol back in Season One or Season Two? Heck no. No credibility. But now... now that its watched by around 67 billion people worldwide, added to the fact that he has an album coming out, yeah, Slash is pretty quick to take up the invite to Idol.

Seacrest heads to the Idols sitting upon the Couch of Safety, killing time, bantering, discussing the first Zeppelin song ever to be sung on Idol, that by The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert, plus giving more excuses and passes to The Widower Danny Gokey after his crazy screaming note at the end of the song last night. The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen... "We didn't like what you did with the song, even though you sounded good, but you sounded pitchy and so on...." but to The Widower Danny Gokey, "It's okay, its alright, we know you can do better, shh, its going to be just fine..."

And now, here comes Paula the Flake...

Here is what I want to hear from Paula the Flake...
"You're the whisper of a summer breeze..." OR
"Lost.... in a dream... don't know which... way to go..." OR
"You're a cold hearted snake (look into his eyes) Oh oh, he's been telling lies..." OR
"I got that Vibeology, that V-I-B-E-ology..." OR
"Hey baby... you got to remember... I'm forever your girl..." OR even
"Eagles calling, calling your name..." but what I really don't want to hear is this.

She's dressed up in an outfit that would have been perfect for her in 1991, when she was brand spankin' new on the scene... but perhaps not now. Its also important to note, that Paula, now what, 45? is not moving nearly as fast as she did back in 1991.

For those of you kiddies who just don't understand, who only know Paula Abdul as a flake and a joke and the Idol judge, let me tell you a story... back in the early 90s, she and Janet Jackson were the two best chick dancers alive. Their videos were unbelievable demonstrations of movement and rhythm, their music was fun, their albums were great, and both--especially Paula--were beautiful. What you know now as the blithering, blubbering, drooling pain killer induced Paula Abdul is nothing compared to how... well, for lack of a better word, how cool she used to be.

I give you the title track to her most excellent first CD, "Forever Your Girl". This is how awesome she used to be. Oh, and disregard that "MTV" in the corner of the video. This is back when they actually played a music video. You know, ever.


This song, the one she's doing, "I'm Just Here For the Music" is annoying. And I'm going to go on a very short limb and say that the song I just saw was prerecorded, because before the song, she was in a cutesy little beige dress, then she came out in the aforementioned too-skimpy-for-her-age costume, and now that the commercials are over, she's back in the beige dress.

But now... here's someone I can watch. Gwen Stefani, with No Doubt, doing their first big hit, "Just a Girl". As she sings, though, two things occur to me. First, she's so goofy, and weird, and yet, she's still hot. I mean, not too many chicks can do what she does, dress like she dresses and appear like she appears many times and still can be considered hot, but she pulls it off. Secondly, dear goodness she sounds terrible... absolutely terrible... she hasn't held any single note for longer than two seconds... its almost like she can't. I can't handle it. I fast forward. This song is definately not B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

Old joke that I've told before, but will tell again because I have a new audience that may or may not have heard it... So, Gwen Stefani is married to Gavin Rossdale, lead of one of the hardest rockin' bands of the 90s, singer of such awesome rock classics like "Machinehead" and "Everything Zen"... obviously, he and his wife sing two different styles of music. Do you think he just sucks it up, and tells Gwen whatever she writes is good, even though he knows that he'd never, ever be associated with some of it otherwise? Like, I imagine this exchange...
Gwen: Hey, babe, come in here
Gavin: Yes, dear? Whats up?
Gwen: So I've written this awesome new song, and I want to read you the lyrics to this last part that I think is soooo awesome
Gavin: Sure babe, whats the title?
Gwen: Oh, its called "Hollaback Girl"
Gavin: (pausing) Holla... back... girl?
Gwen: Yeah, check this out... "Its bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This s&^% is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S". See, I say "bananas", then I spell it! Isnt that awesome!?
Gavin: (pausing, speaking slowly) Yeah, thats... thats great, Gwenie... I, uh... I love it. I mean, Bananas. Thats... thats wonderful. So, uh... so cool and all
Gwen: So I was thinking, I had written a song for your new Bush album and...
Gavin: Uh, gotta go. Game's on.

Back to the show. The four Idols are standing backstage, awaiting Seacrest to call their name. He points to The Silver Stools... not of failure, but of Safety. There are only three. The Idols come out, and Seacrest says he'll announce them in random order.

My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta is first. Then The Widower Danny Gokey. Then The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert. Finally, The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen. One goes to The Silver Stools of Safety... and The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen gets the nod... this is good. No, this is awesome. He almost collapses, looking speechless with a shocked grin on his face.

While I was at The Happiest Place in the Mall, I also heard a squeal of glee around 7:43, and that makes sense now. It was Erin the Marine Wife screaming as Daughtry comes onstage. Seriously, though... Chris Daughtry, perhaps the coolest Idol ever. He really is an awesome dude. They'll be singing their first single, "No Surprise", off of their sophomore album "Leave This Town", which drops in July. Why is it that music critics and newsmakers say "sophomore" album and not just "2nd" album? The former is six letters and four seconds longer than the latter... hmm.

Song sounds good. I'll ask Erin the Marine Wife how the CD is, because she'll get it the day it comes out, I'm sure. I like Daughtry, the guy and the band, cause it just seems like he recognizes how lucky he is, and he gives kudos to the fans and supporters all the time, remembering they are who makes him so famous... good guy.

Okay, back to the real stuff. Who will join The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen on the Silver Stools of Safety? The second person to head that way is... The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert.

Well, we know this is the end for My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta... how great would it have been to see her to go to the Silver Stools of Safety, leaving The Goke and The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert competing for one spot? Alas, its over for My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta... I take the title back from her, write her name under My Previous Next American Idol Brooke White, and put it aside, awaiting a titleholder in 2010.

As the "journey montage" for My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta plays, I wonder if they've even edited one yet for Dead Wife Gokey or The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert, figuring they have another two weeks to finish it.
_______________________________________________

PERFORMANCES...

I'm shocked. I'm stunned, and ashamed and taken aback in a way that I'm not sure I could have fathomed mere moments ago, before I sat down at the laptop in the recliner here at The Cabana Extended Suites and Resort Spa. I'm just... speechless. You could have told me Lance Bass was gay, you could have told me that MSNBC is pro-Obama, you could have told me that Miley Cyrus really was Hannah Montana... and I would have believed all of those things, those undeniably incomprehendable things that I've only recently discovered as true before I believed the following words...

Paula Abdul is addicted to painkillers.

Sigh. What hath God wrought upon this world?

THIS

IS AMERICAN

IDOL

Its rock week here at American Idol, with our guest mentor, Slash, from Velvet Revolver, but you know him really from... well, is it Guns'N Roses, or Guns N Roses, or Guns N'Roses? Where does the ' lie? These are the things I lay awake at night thinking about.

Seacrest is telling us, and showing us, the part of the stage tower, with the big neon "IDOL" on it that collapsed. This is all George Bush's fault. Its him and his stupid hurricane machine that has cost this country trillions of dollars, when he could have spent that money on our country's failing infrastructure! Seriously! What kind of third world country do we live in when American Idol's neon towers are falling down? What's next? The top level of Deal or No Deal's staircase bends and breaks? President B. Hussein Obama, I plea to you!

We see a montage of Slash, and somewhere, Drew Morris is drooling on himself, convulsing and french kissing his TV screen. Honestly, this has to be one of the coolest mentors ever... Slash, not Drew Morris, though I can imagine Drew Morris would be kind of fun too.

The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert is singing "Whole Lotta Love", and I imagine the number of screeches in a Led Zeppelin cover might be in the hundreds. Slash echoes The Lovely Steph Leann in saying that TAGAL is effortless and has such a range and so on and so forth.

Except for the fact he looks like a gay Hillary Swank from "Boys Don't Cry" (is that an oxymoron? or just redundant?) he sounds a whole lotta like Robert Plant. If I were Robert Plant, I'd call up Jimmy Page and ask him to kick me in the face for sounding like this.

Randy the Dawg loves him. Loves him. He might go gay for him. He tells The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert that he is in fact a rock star. He should be making a rock record. I can see Scott Weiland and Trent Reznor, in a heroin induced rage, beating the crap out of The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert backstage, actually. "Stupid alternative lifestyle guy bringing your alternative lifestyles into our rockin' party atmosphere!" or something like that.

Kara the New Hotness looks like she's stepped out of an Expose video. She tells him he should be making music with Nine Inch Nails. As Trent himself, watching--cause I'm sure he is--is probably saying, "Hailz to the No." Paula the Flake blubbers, and Simon the Cowell loves it too.

Can I be honest here? It sounded good. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I'm now going to put up a Nancy Pelosi poster and join the Sierra Club.

My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta is taking on "Crybaby" from Janis Joplin. Slash tells her to be more confident, and bring it all out when she sings.

Here's what I dig about My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta... I love the raspy voice thing. She reminds me kind of Sheryl Crow, and I loves me some Sheryl Crow. She's belting out the song, one that I'm not all that familiar with--honestly, my Joplin expertise begins and ends with "...freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..." and so "Crybaby" is one I don't know well. I've heard it, just don't know it.

Either way, I think My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta is awesome. Of course, she's not The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert, so the judges won't love her nearly as much. Randy the Dawg didn't love the song, wanting more of a melody in the song. Kara the New Hotness loved the Joplin bluesy rock, but said she should have taken on "Piece of My Heart" (oh yeah, she did that before Faith Hill, didn't she?).

Paula the Flake blubbers. Simon the Cowell reminds her that she is still 17. He chides her for not being original, even though he loved The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert for singing EXACTLY like Page and Plant. Who sang the lead on "Whole Lotta Love" anyway? Was it Page? Was it Plant?

And now, we have our first duet of the evening, nay, of the entire show. A new little twist, with The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen and The Widower Danny Gokey doing a song together. And they are doing Styx's "Renegade". This song is FREAKIN' AWESOME...

(putting down the keyboard while I pay attention to this...)

(picking up the keyboard)

This song cracks me up... not The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen and The Goke's version, I will get to that in a minute...

Back in the late 70s, early 80s, you had these soft pop rock bands... REO Speedwagon and Ambrosia and Firefall and Air Supply and the like, and they had one purpose and one purpose only... to sing songs that you related to your relationships. That was it.

Happy with the girl you have? "You Are the Woman" by Firefall, or "Still the One" by Orleans. Longing to tell someone how you felt about her? "Can't Fight This Feeling" by the Speedwagon. Need a completely overblown and silly, yet FREAKIN' AWESOME anthem song? "Makin' Love Out of Nothing At All" by Air Supply would do it. And Styx is in this catagory. Listen just once to "Lady" or "Babe" or "Come Sail Away" and you learn that Styx, in fact, does not rock. They soft rock.

So when I hear "Renegade", it makes me laugh. Its like when Lucas (a film in The Dave100, by the way) the band geek tries to play football and gets crushed... it is almost comical. And a song about a guy who has a bounty on his head and is about to be executed by hanging--"lawman is coming down from the gallows and I don't have very long"--is even better. Don't get me wrong, I love the song, its got several plays on my iPod, but its an unintentionally funny song.


Here's Daughtry doing his version of "Renegade"... Erin the Marine Wife might pass out.

And somehow, two guys who do not rock, who in fact, soft rock, like The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen and The Widower Danny Gokey singing this song somehow fits... Randy the Dawg liked it okay. He loved the harmonies, which were really good. Kara the New Hotness makes my point about these two guys singing this rock song. Paula the Flake blithers. Simon the Cowell has no idea what to say, telling them that The Goke was better than TLSLNAIK'Allen.

So now that The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen is winded from a duet with The Goke singing a crazy Styx power song, let's make him do his solo song! Meanwhile, The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert sings first, and is backstage, taking a rest before his duet at the end of the show. Hmmm...

The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen is doing The Beatles' "Come Together", a song either awesomely, or awfully, remade by Michael Jackson, I'm not sure which. It sounds great, not fanastic, but great.

Randy the Dawg appreciated the song, while Kara the New Hotness said he is the softer side of rock, and wasn't great tonight. Paula the Flake drools. Simon the Cowell didn't like it.

That scream I just heard from all parts of Birmingham was a collective squeal from Emmy Turnbow, Cindy Jo Warner, Stacy "Wife of the 13th Disciple" Mintz and a few other moms around town because The Widower Danny Gokey just appeared onscreen again.

The Goke is doing "Dream On", a classic from Aerosmith. Still sounding like Tommy Shaw from Styx, trying to rock out, The Goke does his thing. And not to let The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert have all the screechy fun, The Widower Danny Gokey does his own end-of-song screech. And the whole song is not all that great.

Randy the Dawg didn't like the song that much, but gives him an A for Effort. Kara the New Hotness tells him that he sounded too over the top. Paula the Flake quivers. Simon the Cowell hated that last note, admitting what everyone things... "With [The Ambiguously Gay] Adam Lambert, it worked. With you, Dead Wife, it didn't."

A crashing of two worlds occurs now, as The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert and My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta come together. Right now. Over me.

"Slow Ride" by Foghat is the song that will be rocked and screeched. When I hear this song, I automatically think of "Dazed and Confused", another The Dave100 movie. The song comes to an end, and now we'll hear the judges rant and rave and fall all over themselves for The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert, and just by being close, they might even give My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta a compliment.

Randy the Dawg loves it. Kara the New Hotness loves it. Paula the Flake blabbers. Simon the Cowell tells them they win the Duet Battle. The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert hugs My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta, and he thinks, "So this is what a woman feels like? Eew. I don't like it. As if."

Tonight... My Next American Idol Allison Ireaheta, The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert, The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen and The Widower Danny Gokey...

The Death of CCM Magazine

Did you know that CCM Magazine was gone?

Neither did I.

I used to get CCM way back in the day, and looked forward to reading it cover to cover... when I say "back in the day", I am referring to about a six year span between 1995 and 2001 where my subscription ran uninterrupted, and no magazine went unread.

It was the go to source for news of dcTalk's new album, or this new girl named Jennifer Knapp or Nichole Nordeman had new music out, or this amazing article on Gary Chapman--and his side of the Amy Grant/Gary Chapman divorce--that came out sometime in the late 90s. CCM was a gold mine of not just Christian music information, but Christian life as well. There were festivals to read about, new artists, old artists, and somewhere, I still have the tribute issue from when Rich Mullins died in a car wreck.

When I ran Sunday Night Power, a Christian music show, in 1997 and 1998 for WTBT at Troy, I would use CCM as question material when interviewing Jars of Clay or Cindy Morgan or Audio Adrenaline... remember, the internet was not only newly formed at this time, but the dearth of informaion wasn't nearly as dearthy as it is now.

I guess sometime after 2001, maybe 2002, I let my subscription lapse. I think I let a few issues go by before renewing it, but then let it lapse again and never got around to picking it back up. Sometime over the years, CCM Magazine changed. Following Rolling Stone's lead, it dropped the in-depthness of its articles and columns, and began a more "glossy" style, with less opinion and journalism, replaced with puff pieces on the wonders of Chris Tomlin, or the legendary status of Michael W. Smith. Unlike Rolling Stone, however, there weren't legions of fans that, if some left because of the unfortunate changes, there'd be enough to pick up the slack.

It was also about that time that I couldn't tell the difference in Matt Redman and David Crowder and The Barlow Girls sounded like Aurora who sounded like Joy Williams who just lost my interest... hence, d$ and CCM Magazine parted ways, after almost 10 years together.

And then, a few weeks ago, I was doing a Wiki search on someone... I don't remember who... maybe Jars, maybe Kevinmax, but I read something along the lines of "...before CCM Magazine folded in 2008..." What? What is this? So I googled up CCM Magazine, and found out that yes, in April 2008, what I knew as Contemporary Christian Magazine had indeed ceased their monthly publication on their 30th anniversary. Gone.


CCM Magazine's final issue

In my searching, I found an interesting article from the, ironically enough, online magazine Patrol, written by David Sessions...

Sessions writes...

"It is quite a curiosity how frequently some cultural phenomena are pronounced dead. Rock music, in particular, dies at least once a decade. And now it seems the question is echoing in the Christian music industry almost as loudly, as those who remember the great days of dcTalk and the Newsboys wonder: Is Christian rock dead?

Further fueling the speculation is CCM magazine’s announcement that it will discontinue its print edition in April, the press statement announced that CCM readers “want information faster than a print magazine can deliver,” and explains the folding of the print magazine as an intentional move to allow CCM to put its energy into online content. It is difficult to imagine that the Christian music industry would have been the same without the magazine. For most of my life, it set the trends and made the brand among Christian youth. But over the past few years, CCM has fought a losing battle for its audience as it continues covering a product its target demographic, young evangelicals, consumes at a gradually decreasing rate.

On its face, such a transformation from print to web is hardly remarkable; print magazines of all stripes are, after all, struggling to survive in the new media environment. But in addition to triggering the media evolution, technology has contributed to the disappearance of CCM’s prime readership. Thousands of artists now able to self-market their music to the world, including Christian musicians uncomfortable with the industry’s insistence on marketable formula. Believers seem to have realized there’s quite a bit of great music out there, and Christians aren’t the only ones making it. With such a selection available, including many popular choices that lack traditionally offensive content, there remains no justification for Christians to subject themselves to the generally substandard fare offered in Christian bookstores.

CCM belatedly caught on to these trends, announcing last May that the magazine would change its name from “Contemporary Christian Music” to “Christ. Community. Music.” and would broaden its focus to include “Christian worldview music,” music made by Christians but necessarily intended for an exclusively evangelical audience. The magazine had previously covered only music with explicit religious content, a perennial annoyance to Christian artists who believed music should incorporate all aspects of life and creation without forced utterances of Jesus’ name or cliched religious imagery.

The magazine’s new incarnation was a step in the right direction, but was too little too late,even “Christian worldview music” is a scope too narrow to make their content roundly relevant to the young evangelical music consumer.

The broader coverage allowed CCM to benefit from the success of artists like Sufjan Stevens, but it also instantly associated him with the “faith brand,” a characterization that Christian musicians like Stevens and The Fray persistently resist. Individually, they contend, they are followers of Christ. Professionally, they are serious musicians who strive to be appreciated because they make great music for all kinds of people. At CCM, even in its newer, more “relevant” incarnation, artists were still generally more appreciated for being popular, successful Christians than they were for being excellent musicians. Thus even the new CCM didn’t necessarily appeal to the best Christian artists, many of whom are trying to avoid exactly the sort of distinction that labels like “Christian worldview music” make, most of all, association with the disposable, imitative art of the evangelical subculture.

There is no doubt that these changes in theology and technology had a negative impact on Christian music publications. If you visit the places where people should be reading CCM, Christian colleges campuses and church youth groups, you’re more likely to find copies of Paste or overhear references to Pitchfork Media, the same places their secular counterparts go for music information. And with the obvious fact that the middle-aged listeners of the few still-popular Christian bands like Casting Crowns aren’t the biggest readers of hip music rags, CCM faced a double-whammy: Christian artists don’t want any part of a separate “Christian music” industry, and young Christian fans aren’t primarily interested in the music that used to be called Christian rock. With both content and readers disappearing simultaneously, it was only a matter of time until the magazine would be forced to either transform completely or fold.

CCM’s Christian music coverage will still be around, but it remains to be seen if the magazine can compete in the competitive, crowded world of internet music journalism. And while some of us can’t help feeling at least a small wave of nostalgia for the publication that accompanied us through adolescence, we should be encouraged by the fact that a positive change, a growing commitment by Christians to break out of their artistic bubble, has brought its relevance to a conclusion."

(d$ again) I only posted this article because really, he says it better than I could. Here is CCM Online

Did you know that Michael Tait is now the lead singer for Newsboys? CCM Magazine would have told me this. .

Everything That Glitters

"She says she hates to sleep alone, but she'll do it tonight. She wants to grab her telephone, but she knows it ain't right. So if he won't call, she'll survive, and if he don't care, she'll get by. Climb into bed, bury her head, and cry... She says she feels like she's addicted to a real bad thing, always sitting, waiting, wondering if the phone will ring, she knows she bounces like a yo-yo when he pulls her string... it hurts to feel like such a fool." -- "Addicted", my 5th favorite Dan Seals song

Dan Seals passed away March 25th, 2009, of mantle cell lymphoma. Apparently he'd been suffering from it for a while... and it makes me sad. I really liked Dan Seals. And I felt that you, the reader, should know him. Like the music, don't like the music, but his career and success is respectable.

The name might not be familiar, and if you are not a longtime country fan, its likely you would have never heard of Dan Seals. However, you are a 70s soft rock pop fan, you might be familiar with England Dan and John Ford Coley... same Dan.

Dan was born in 1948 close to Dallas, Texas, where he went to school. His brother, Jim Seals, played saxophone on The Champs' immortal "Tequila", and eventually teamed up with Dash Seals in the 60s to form the band Seals & Croft ("...summer breeze... makes me feel fine... blowin' through the jasmine in my mind..." or "darlin' if you want me to be... closer to you... get closer to me..."), his other brother Brady spent some time in Little Texas ("ooh... God blessed Texas..."), and then Dan joined with classmate and friend John Colley to form England Dan and John Ford Coley.


Here's a performance of my 4th favorite Dan Seals song, the classic made with John Ford Coley

Colley shortened his last name by a letter to Coley, then added the "Ford" as his middle name to help with the pronunciation flow. "England" was a childhood nickname born out of his love for the Beatles, so England Dan and John Ford Coley became a duo.

Their hits in the 70s were numerous, including "I'd Really Love to See You Tonight", "Nights are Forever Without You" and "We'll Never Have to Say Goodbye Again". All in all, they had 6 Top 40 hits between 1976 and 1979, before eventually parting ways. John Ford Coley actually became a Christ Follower in 1999, still performs with some 70s groups that won't go away (you know, groups like Ambrosia and Poco) probably at county fairs and small town festivals that like like say "Hey, come to our event... we have The Edgar Winter Group! Live in concert!"

Dan Seals tried his soft rock solo career in 1980, signing with Atlantic Records and releasing his first album, "Stones", as England Dan. He ended up in a struggle with the IRS, almost lost everything, then started over with his album "Harbinger". Like "Stones", this album was a commercial failure, charting no singles and selling few copies. Dan Seals rethought his approach, then began to adapt his style for the country side of things...

"I just had to call you babe, I got your letter and I understood almost every line. You said TLC is what you miss from me, you want back in my arms PDQ. Ooh, I love this game, them three letters by your name, LOA. What does that say? She said oh baby it's so simple, did not mean to make it hard to understand. I've been gone so long I want you to know I miss my man oh yes I do. And that message for you tells you what I'm gonna do when I get home oh..." -- "Love On Arrival", my 3rd favorite Dan Seals song

Country in the mid-80s was much different than what we know today. The country rockin' style of artists like Rascal Flatts, Kenny Chesney, The Dixie Chicks and even Carrie Underwood was unheard of, Garth Brooks had yet to transform the genre, and it was two sided.

First, there are the immortal artists, those that will never grow old, those that now perhaps their legendary status and reputation possibly surpass much of their music's quality itself... The Highwaymen (Cash, Jennings, Nelson, Kristofferson), Merle Haggard, Hank Jr..

Then you had the softer country side that were artists like Marie Osmond, the Judds, Don Williams, Eddie Rabbitt... these were artists that would likely never get much airtime nowadays aside from some sort of "classic country" hour at noon or on Saturday nights. Back then? They were the Chesney, Paisley, Urban, Swift of the day. And it was in this genre that Dan Seals found his niche.

Dan Seal's first album for Capitol Records, where he signed after leaving Atlantic, was called "Rebel Heart", and though it wasn't a blockbuster, it did much better than his first two pop albums. Next was "San Antone", in 1984, where he finally started seeing some chart success, first with "(You Bring Out) the Wild Side of Me" and "My Baby's Got Good Timing"--classic country song titles.

His biggest success came in 1985's "Won't Be Blue Anymore", and one of his biggest hits came when he teamed with Marie Osmond for "Meet Me In Montana", the first of 9 straight number one country hits. "Bop" came next, was a number one single, and won Single of the Year at 1986's CMA Awards.

The singles came, as did the success, classics like "You Still Move Me", "Addicted", "They Rage On", "One Friend" and a song perhaps written about Samson, "Big Wheels in the Moonlight"... "I came from a town that was so small, if you looked both ways you could see it all..."

Dan Seals released "On Arrival" in 1990, and it produced the number one singles "Love on Arrival" and "Good Times", a remake of the Sam Cooke R&B classic. This was his final success in an album, and these were his last Top 40 singles.

(Marie) "Well were stuck here in these hills that they call mountains. (Dan) Darlin' back home in your arms is right where I want to be. (Marie & Dan) Won't you meet me in Montana... I wanna see the mountains your eyes. I had all of this life I can handle, meet me underneath that big Montana sky... " -- "Meet Me In Montana" by Dan Seals & Marie Osmond, my 2nd favorite Dan Seals song

Dan Seals soft, guitar plucky style was suddenly out of favor by the early 90s, giving way to the Garth Brooks kind of country music... not that this was a bad thing, mind you, but country was changing. No one wanted to hear Don Williams, Juice Newton, Earl Thomas Conley, John Conlee... or Dan Seals.

He signed with Warner Brothers, released "Walking the Wire" and "Fired Up", did an acoustic album of his earlier hits on "In a Quiet Room" for Intersound, then released a few more albums for TDC Records.

Dan Seals suffered from mantle cell lymphoma (MCL), one of the rarer of non-Hodgkins lymphomas, rare enough that there are only about 15,000 patients presently in the U.S. He had radiation treatments in June of 2008 and even received a stem cell transplant in December of last year, but eventually, the MCL won out. On March 25th, 2009, Dan Seals lost his life, passing away quietly at his daughter's home. He was 61.

And here's my favorite Dan Seals song... its from the album "Won't Be Blue Anymore", and its all about a rodeo rider, trying to raise a daughter on his own after his wife has apparently left them for brighter lights and bigger arenas...


Ten albums in a duo, and seventeen solo albums, along with six different "best of" compilations, thats work on 33 different albums. That, my fellow music lovers, is a career. Thank you, Dan Seals, for making my country music childhood enjoyable with your music and your love of such, and though I'll be honest, I thought "Bop" was rather silly, so much of your music makes me sing along and makes me smile.



When it comes to Dan Seals, everything that glitters truly is gold.

Chris Isaak, Stacy Mintz and Popeye's Chicken & Biscuits.. with Idol Results!

As always, if you are reading this on Facebook, you'll have to go to the actual Clouds website to see the videos. Besides, its better reading over there anyway. Go ahead. Click here and take the plunge. Do it. Do it.

First... I just crossed 21,000 hits on Clouds in My Coffee. That's not one person clicking 'refresh' 21,000 times, that is someone actually going to my website and pulling it up 21,000 different times. SO THANK YOU, Coffee Drinker and Constant Reader. It makes me happy when I see the comments, whether I agree or not, and to hear the feedback to something I've written... keep coming back, and let's move to 50,000!

I'm trying to figure out what to do for my 500th post... a recap? A best of type blog with links to my favorite posts? Just make it something random? Any thoughts?

Secondly... at Valleydale Church (an sbc fellowship) I stood amongst a small group of Godly Mamas.... Stacy M (married to James, arguably the 13th disciple), Robyn Meredith (its hard to trust a woman with two first names...), Cindy Jo and a few select others, and in that conversation not only did we discuss "Rock of Love" and "Rock of Love Bus", but The Ambiguously Gay Adam, Cougars, the bandwagon for The Widower Danny Gokey driven by Emmy Turnbow, with fellow passengers like Stacy and Cindy Jo (though Cindy Jo has been caught with a wandering eye over at The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen)... and also in that conversation, we discussed "Wicked Game" by Chris Isaak. One of the sultriest, coolest, hottest songs ever. With the video to match.

Fun times in that Marky Mark (spouse of Cindy Jo) and myself actually got to sing the first verse of the song to spur memories... finally, Stacy and Robyn both go, "Oh yeah! I know that!" So here's the song in its true form...


I would feel utter conviction if I thought Stacy M would look at the actual video itself and it was my fault. That video is downright Cinemaxy, though with today's tv standards, most youngsters would probably be ho-hum about it. So here's Chris Isaak, doing a performance of the song on Letterman's show in 1991.

Third... I stopped by Popeye's Chicken & Biscuits tonight for dinner. I only mention this because I'm really disturbed by the fact that Popeye's, of all places, has followed the "let's have a fancier name so people will think more highly of us" trend that is sweeping our country. They are now called Popeye's Louisiana Grill. No, you are not a Louisiana Grill. Perhaps you do serve salads now. Maybe you do serve shrimp now. But I've never heard a single person say to me, "Ya know, I'm really excited about having Popeye's Shrimp tonight", or even "Ya know, I do love me a salad from Popeye's." Never.

Why? Because no one wants your salad, Popeye's. I want salad, I'll go to Jason's Deli. No one wants your shrimp. I want bad processed shrimp, I'll take in Captain D's, or Long John Silvers. There are two things that people, myself included, want from you, Popeye's. The first is chicken. The second is biscuits. That greasy chicken dripping off of that spork, combined with the soft, buttery fattening taste of that lukewarm biscuit... number one, baby, number one. Popeye's, YOU ARE CHICKEN & BISCUITS. That's all you'll ever be. So be proud of it.

So, Idol results are on tonight, aren't they? My friend MZ texted me a few minutes ago, saying "Oh my gosh! [The Ambiguously Gay] Adam Lambert is in the bottom two?!?!" I had to immediately reply to ask her not to tell me anything else. The Lovely Steph Leann is out in the garage, with our friend KT, sanding and staining shelves and a desk that will go in The Lovely Steph Leann's crop room. Why am I not helping? Neither one asked me to. Why didn't I offer? I can't do woodwork. And I'd rather watch Idol. If The Lovely Steph Leann popped her head in the backdoor and said, "Hey, can you help?" I'd be up in a heartbeat, and would go and assist. But she hasn't, so I won't. So there.

Anyway...

THIS IS AMERICAN

IDOL

Skipped past the Ford commercial, and as I typed the "THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL", I almost watched the group song! Don't worry, I hit the >> button quick enough, I only heard two beats of a guitar before it started forwarding. Whew, that was close, though.

Luckily, not only will we (not) see Taylor Hicks and Natalie Cole, but also Jamie Foxx, which means this will be a short show. Lots of forwarded tonight.

We do see a video montage of the Idols making cakes as My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta turned 9 this week, while The Widower Danny Gokey turned 48. Happy B'day you two! Tonight at KidStuf practice, there was this exchange:

Me: How much would you love it if The Goke's wife were actually alive?
"Hurricane" Rhett: Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.

Seacrest hands The Goke a "present", which turns out to be "a bill" from a maid service, used to clean up the mess made during the video montage of them baking a cake. Is it bad that I almost wanted it to be an eHarmony ad for a hot chick.

(Five minutes just passed between my bad eHarmony joke and typing this sentence, as The Lovely Steph Leann stuck her head in the backdoor and said, "Can you help me?" So I did. Cause I'm a good husband!)

(And because I am such a good husband, Seacrest just dimmed the lights, and the DVR is paused with the Idols walking across the stage... why frozen? KT has just left as they are done with the sanding/staining... The Lovely Steph Leann is fixing her a quick dinner, and I'm waiting for her to un-pause the DVR. MZ already texted me "Haven't you watched this yet??")

Here we go, America....

Matty G is first. After the nationwide vote... Matty G stands on the right side of the stage. The Widower Danny Gokey is next. He's wearing glasses that very few people could successfully wear. He heads to the left side of the stage. My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta is next. She steps up next to The Goke.

When The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen's name is mentioned, he gets hoots from the crowd. He is directed to stand next to Matty G. And finally, The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert. Paula the Flake compared him to Michael Phelps in the Olympics. With the bong, maybe?

Seacrest does the whole "The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert, which group do you think you belong to?" The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert actually goes to The Widower Danny Gokey and My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta... then Seacrest grabs The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert and drags him over to The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen and Matty G, and says, "This is your bottom three!"

Both My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta's jaw and The Widower Danny Gokey's jaw drops in blank amazement. Kara the New Hotness says, "When The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert is involved, my mouth just drops open." There are many jokes here, not many are for this blog.

There are five people here. Not 12. Not 10. Not eight. Five. Which means The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert might be 3rd in voting, not last. But... its enough to scare The Ambiguously Gay Adam Fans into voting for him, ensuring a showdown between he and The Widower Danny Gokey. Just sayin'.

Seacrest introduces Natalie Cole. I ask The Lovely Steph Leann if we can fast forward, she asks me to wait to hear what Natalie Cole is singing. She's singing, "Something's Gotta Give". Is this the theme song from that movie? Granted, Natalie Cole's voice is great. Her earrings, though, make her look like a dreamcatcher.

We go back to My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta and The Widower Danny Gokey sitting on the Couch of Safety. The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen, Matty G and The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert all stand backstage, awaiting the news. Next up, fast forwarding through Taylor Hicks! The Lovely Steph Leann and I both agree that he still sounds pretty good, though I'll admit, he was not my next American Idol, that belonged to My Previous Next American Idol Katharine McPhee. I've had McPheever for years.


She's no Pickles... but she's still awesome!

The three remaining Idols come out, and Seacrest sends someone back to safety... The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen gets the reprieve, and The Lovely Steph Leann shrieks!

Now, its important for me to mention this... when I stood in my circle of Godly Mamas (and Mark Warner, husband of Cindy Jo) I made this prediction...

"The Widower Danny Gokey OR The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert will be kicked off. One will make the finals, one will get booted in a shocking episode, a la Daughtry". Just making sure I mentioned this, before we see what might be a huge Bottom Two results...

I still think Matty G goes home. And over The Lovely Steph Leann's protests, as she's raising the roof and getting funk-nunky with her bad self (hellz yeah!), I forward through Jamie Foxx. (she says, "I have no idea what he's saying"). After his performance, Seacrest says, "No question this is the number one song in America!" and I can respond with, "Yeah, I'm sure I have lots of questions as to why this is the number one song in America."

And now, finally, the dramatic final moments of the results show. Seacrest stretches it out a little farther, talking to Simon the Cowell, Paula the Flake, Randy the Dawg and Kara the New Hotness.

Dim the lights! Here we go! Matty G goes home, The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert sashays back to The Couch of Safety. A little surprising at the make up of the bottom two, but no surprise as to who goes home.

Next week, we lose My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta, then The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert, and we see The Widower Danny Gokey beat out The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen for the Idol Title, and go on to make a subpar record that no one I know will buy.

The Complete Rat Package... Idol goes Standard

Tonight... another night... another night of music... another night of dreams... another night of dreams broken... another night of song... another night of The Ambiguously Gay Screeching... what is this, you say? Its a talent show. Its an entertainment show. Its a variety show. Its a competition. What is this?

THIS

IS

AMERICAN

IDOL

Two phone numbers for each contestant, now that they are down to only five. Our judges, Randy the Diggity Dawg, Kara the New Hotness, Paula the Flake and Simon the Cowell are sitting front and center, and Ryan the Seacrest introduces the theme... Standards from the Rat Pack era. Dean, Sammy, Tha Chairman... and those other guys that no one can remember... the mystery mentor this week? Kris Allen says, "The theme is Rat Pack... and all those people are... dead...?"

Jamie Foxx, an emblem of the 1960s standards and Rat Pack era music (I say this in all sarcasm), is the mentor. Personally, I think he was awesome in "Collateral".

Up first is The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen. She is bummed by the fact that our friend, KT, doesn't like him. KT didn't like My Last Next American Idol Brooke White either, so pooh on her.


I don't care what you say, KT... I loved My Last Next American Idol Brooke White. Her new single, "Hold Up My Heart", is pretty terrible, though.

He's taking on "The Way You Look Tonight", which I personally dig Frank's version of it. Tony Bennett's version is a little too slow for me, though I think Kris will emulate that version. Not that that is a bad thing.

Its a song from the film "Swing Time", and actually won the Academy Award for best song that year.

The Lovely Steph Leann is a currently a puddle on the couch. Jamie Foxx says that if things don't work out, "you and I can definately do something together, man." Not a bad compliment at all.

And the version kicks up a little in tempo... well done, The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen, well done.

Randy the Dawg says he is looking to see who's in it to win it... "Dude. I personally think this is your best performance to date." Kara the New Hotness says, "You have set the technical standard so high for this evening." I tell The Lovely Steph Leann that I thought it was good, and she just smiles. If that were Colin Firth singing the same song in the same way, I think The Lovely Steph Leann might have been kissing the screen, a la 1988 Kirk Cameron.

Paula the Flake babbles. Simon the Cowell says, "It was a little bit wet." What does that even mean? He says that he's not sure that The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen can even win this competition. The producers are wondering now... should they continue their course of The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert and The Gokenator... or should they throw in an underdog? Hmm...

Speaking of Next... here comes My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta, who has just turned 17! She's a year away from legality! I kid, I kid... if I was into jailbait, I'd be all about Emma Watson. Not that I am. Moving on.

Jamie Foxx is actually not a bad mentor... what he is telling the Idols makes pretty good sense. My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta is singing "Someone to Watch Over Me." It's a song from 1926, a Gershwin tune from the musical "Oh, Kay!". This song was done masterfully in Idol Season Five by My Girl McPhee, who went on to be Vice-Idol with Taylor Hicks. Not a great season of Idol, aside from McPheever... and Pickles!


Yay! I love Pickles!

By the way, My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta was awesome. Randy the Dawg says, "You look like Britney Murphy, looking dope, you sing like P!nk, only with 9,000 more octives!" Kara the New Hotness loves her too. Paula the Flake uses the words "Alluring" and "Tender". Simon the Cowell asks My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta if she thinks she can win. Simon the Cowell doesn't think she feels like she can win, and has a sinking feeling she might be in trouble.

Matty G says he's all stoked about this week, saying he loves the jazz part of it all. He's singing "My Funny Valentine". Jamie Foxx gives Matty G lots of love and props... something tells me he's going to drool over The Goke and The AGAL...

Did you know this song is from a 1937 musical called "Babes in Arms", and has appeared on over 1300 albums by over 600 artists?

I liked the song, though it wasn't as good as the first two. Randy the Dawg agrees. Kara the New Hotness agrees. Paula the Flake blubbers and drools on herself. Simon the Cowell disagrees with Randy the Dawg, and says it was "the only believable, authentic song I've heard tonight. I thought you were brilliant."

Up next is The Widower Danny Gokey (which, of course leaves The Pimp Slot for The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert) and he's singing "Come Rain or Come Shine". Its a song that was from the 1946 music "St. Louis Women", but like many of tonight's songs, the tune has long outlived the musical from which it came.

This song was also done by Kat McPhee back in Idol Season Five.

Trombone assisted, The Goke starts. Emmy Turnbow is sitting next to Cindy Jo Warner on the Goke-Wagon, and agrees with The Lovely Steph Leann that he looks much like Robert Downey Junior. Robert Downey Jr Junior, if you will.

And The Goke tosses out a pretty good song... The Lovely Steph Leann says, "For me, for him, that was the best I've ever heard him do. Ever." I would agree that it was pretty good...

Randy the Dawg says that The Goke could have an album with songs like this tonight... Kara the New Hotness commends "The Rat Pack Swagga..." and Paula the Flake says "Stellar." Simon the Cowell says it was great.

New show called "Glee" on Fox. The Lovely Steph Leann is so hyped about this show.


Mentioned Jamie Foxx earlier, being in the Michael Mann movie "Collateral." Excellent film. Tom Cruise as a bad guy, frickin' awesome. This video is probably Emmy Turnbow Safe, which means its NSFW, probably because of language... it is Rated R, but not for boobies (I don't remember any) but just for language and lots and lots of dead people.

And finally, its The Ambiguously Screechy Adam Lambert in the Pimp Slot. He's taking on "Feelin' Good", and he's already screeching in rehearsals with Jamie Foxx. Its actually from a 1965 musical called, "The Roar of the Greasepaint--the Smell of the Crowd", but its mostly known from Nina Simone's definitive version of the song. One of my 100 favorite songs of all time, just so you know.

Here comes the screech... wait for it... wait for it... and... bingo. We have screechage. This guy is a chump. The Gay Chris Isaak smiles, and the judges are speechless.

Randy the Dawg says it was a bit dramatic... but loved it anyway. Kara the New Hotness uses about 58 adjectives for him. Paula pees herself. Simon the Cowell loved it as well.

My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta... The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen... The Widower Danny Gokey... Matty G... The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert


Here's Nina's version, complete with the scatting at the end. Masterful. Turn it up. Enjoy.

The First 100 Days

Okay, so we are now past that mythical benchmark of success, "The First 100 Days" of the presidency of one B. Hussein Obama, leader of our country, the most powerful man in the free world. Many people like to look at this 100 days as a sign of things to come--after all, in those first 100 days, he can either accomplish many things, or nothing, and its sure to be an indicator of future successes?

And our leader, President B. Hussein Obama certainly has done alot in these first 100 days. Here's some highlights, in no particular order...

• Throw a couple of huge parties at the White House, serving Kobe Beef. Kobe Beef runs about 100 bucks a pound. Meanwhile, he's telling all to sacrifice and cutback in this, supposedly the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression.
• Bowing to the King of Saudi Arabia. Admittedly, I'm not sure how you greet officials in that culture... but if I'm the President, you'd better believe I'd find out before I went over there. Bowing is not acceptable.
• Sitting there, patiently, while Daniel Ortega, dictator of Nicaragua, goes on and on for almost an hour about the criminality and corruption of the United States. At no point during this "Summit of the Americas" does President B. Hussein Obama stand to defend his country, nor does he do such a thing when its his turn to speak. Instead, its just the last stop on...
• The Obama America Apology Tour of 2009. Running around the world, telling everyone how sorry we are for everything. How much we suck. How things are going to be different since The Great Unifier, President B. Hussein Obama is in power now, and that reckless fool of a cowboy, Dubya, is gone. (to be fair, at The Summit of the Americas, President B. Hussein Obama did say, "I'm grateful that President Ortega did not blame me for things that happened when I was three months old." All about him.)
• Being "set straight" by Fidel Castro, who tells President B. Hussein Obama that despite how he might have taken his conversations with Raul Castro as "productive" and "possibly leading to a lesser embargo", that in fact, there will be no such productivity. Castro chastizes us about handling of political prisoners. We were chastized by Fidel Castro.
• The nomination of at least five people who have tax issues and back taxes due, one of which now heads the IRS.
• Insulting the British Prime Minister by sending back a statue of Winston Churchill, one that was given to America right after 9/11 as a gift of hope. Britain said to keep it, or even put it in a different room of the White House. President B. Hussein Obama said no thank you, we don't want it.
• This time, though, we got some gifts from Britain... The first of which is a pen holder fashioned from the oak timber of HMS Gannet, a Navy vessel that served on anti-slavery missions off Africa. President B. Hussein Obama also received a framed commissioning paper for the HMS Resolute, a Royal Navy ship that came to symbolize British-American goodwill when it was rescued by the U.S. from icebergs and given to Queen Victoria. It is the sister ship of the HMS Gannet. Finally, he got a first edition of Martin Gilbert's seven-volume biography of Winston Churchill, whose World War II partnership with President Franklin Roosevelt symbolized the U.S.-Anglo alliance. For the First Daughters, Sasha and Malia, Sarah Brown, the Prime Minister's wife, gave each an outfit from Topshop, a British chain of clothing stores, and selected six children's books by British authors which have yet to be published in the U.S.
• The First Lady gave Prime Minister Brown's two sons toy helicopters modeled after Marine One. Then President B. Hussein Obama gave his own historical, meaningful gifts to Prime Minister Brown. You know, like an iPod filled with his own speeches, and a collection of 25 DVDs of great American movies. Could you not spring for Blue-Ray, there Prez man?
• Taking the Census from an independent agency and moving it over to his own (democractic) commerce department. Meaning? If there are people there that aren't as honest as some can be, they can mold and shape the census data however they choose too, possibly leading to restructuring of districts to advantages of certain parties.
• Openly lying that the construction company Caterpillar would re-hire laid off workers with the passage of his stimilus bill, calling the company leaders liars when they said they would not be able to re-hire regardless of passage, then blaming business owners for our economic status when Caterpillar then laid off more workers after the bill passed.
• Making his supporters happy, he pledges to close Guantanamo Bay, then to keep the other side happy, keeps it open with no plan to close it soon. (personally, I support President B. Hussein Obama in this latter part!)
• Tries to nationalize the banking system in our country to prevent banks and financial institutions from paying back Trouble Asset Relief Program (TARP) money they either didn't need or want.
• French President Sarkozy ridicules and humiliates President B. Hussein Obama by telling him he's got a "Messiah Complex" and invites him to come to Normandy Beach and "walk on water". Ouch.
• After thousands of Americans decide to peacefully protest and demonstrate at "Tea Parties", something we'd seen dozens of times during President Dubya's administration (though not all were peaceful, and some were downright hateful), President B. Hussein Obama's Homeland Security agency labels such protesters--including returning veterans--as security risks, likening them to terrorists. As someone who loves this country, disagrees with President B. Hussein Obama's policies, is against terrorist, believes in and loves Jesus and God, and supports our military, aka, as someone who is a "Right Wing Extremist", I find this one funny.
• Admiral Dennis Blair, an appointee of President B. Hussein Obama to be the Director of National Intelligence, comes out and says that the CIA has in fact received high value, lifesaving information through captured terrorists, only to have President B. Hussein Obama rebuke him and say that those interrogations are immoral and counterproductive.
• President B. Hussein Obama's rhetoric against torture is so ridiculous that "face slapping" is considered torture, as well as "putting an insect in a small room with a detainee who might be afraid of insects". No, I'm not making this up. Abu Zabayda had a fear of insects. They put him in a tiny cell and told him that the insect they were placing in the cell with him was "a stinging insect". It was a caterpiller. This is considered torture, according to President B. Hussein Obama.

All of this in 100 days? How did he have time to breathe?

(pausing a moment while my soapbox is put into place. stepping onto said soapbox.)

For many months, I wrestled with whether President B. Hussein Obama was a bumbling incompetent goober who didn't know what he was doing or whether he actually knew exactly what he was doing. I think I've decided its a mixture of the two.

All of these things in his first 100 days doesn't tell us who he is, its a result of who he is. He is a man who thinks this country should change in a huge turnaround. He feels that for too long, the rich have gotten richer and the poor have gotten poorer--now this is an often used cliche that you may or may not agree with, and both sides of that argument could present proof for their case, but that statement's validity is not what I'm trying to say. Instead of using his power, his popularity, his charm to help the poor get richer... education, self-worth, job training, etc... he has now made it his mission to use the power of the United States government to help the rich get poorer.

Its just not fair. Its not fair that all these people have all this money, be it earned, inherited or gotten in an ill-conceived way, its all just not fair. What is fair, however, is to make those people who've enjoyed the lap of luxury for so long pay. When they pay, then the poor people will get some of that money. And the poor people will love the government for it, and viola! You've got a nation of people, equally poor and miserable, all depending on the government.

THIS IS WHO OBAMA IS. He is a strategist who wants our government to be in control of as much as possible... banks, the auto industry, the private sector, the schools... he is someone who isn't concerned with making our country safer, but more concerned with setting up the Bush Adminstration as who will take the blame if the country gets attacked again during the current administration, even though these things that President B. Hussein Obama is doing right now is leaving us open for such things.

The Tea Parties were fun. It showed that there are alot of like minded people out there, people who don't want this country to go in the direction that President B. Hussein Obama is ready to take us to. Unfortunately, unless a candidate who inspires and excites our side the way Obama did with the liberal left steps up, it will all be for naught. If another McCain is presented as our only option in 2012, then it will continue. Perhaps not Sarah Palin, but someone like her.

(steps off the soapbox)

So, I'll sit back and await the next 100 days, then the next, then the next, all sure to be as fun and scary as the first. Sort of like Everest at Disney World. Up, down, up, down, and suddenly, when you think you've finally hit the point where you are going to go faster, make more progress... you go backwards. Backwards fast. Really fast.

Oh yeah...

YES WE CAN!!!

ps... anyone who decides to respond is not allowed to invoke Dubya's name. This isn't about what Bush did. This is about what President B. Hussein Obama is doing.

Troy State's Freshman Spring

Time for some new music on The Clouds, and this time around, I've decided to pull out the Troy State Freshman Spring playlist... these are all songs that were released, out and popular between December and June of 1994... my winter & spring quarters as a frosh at Troy State University...

"Cantaloop" by Us3... Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, we have something special down here at Bird Land this evening, a recording from Blue Note Records. I dare you not to get into this beat.

"Mary Jane's Last Dance" by Tom Petty... I don't think, even as an 18 year old, I recognized this song being about mary-ju-wanna at the time. This brings back memories of Erin Magonigal sitting with myself, Lisa Murphy, Allison Wiggins, Stephanie Massey, Wookiee, The Wench and Kate Gates, singing along during dinner at SAGA. The video, featuring a then-young-and-hot Kim Basinger? Awesome.

"Because the Night" by 10,000 Maniacs... There's a bridge at the end of the song that I, to this day, still have no clue what exactly she's saying. I actually made up an entire verse that had something to do with "I have no... idea... what to sing so I will go... and make... it up". I sang this to Lisa Murphy while driving to Subway around 1am one night. She loved it. Lisa Murphy rocked.

"...And Our Feelings" by Babyface... Ever had those songs that are like, forever old, and to this day, when they come on, you're still all about it? Babyface was awesome back in the day... this is one that I happily sing along to, loudly, while in the car... "AAAAnd our feeeelings! Just aren't feelings anymore... they're just words without emotions from people we don't know... No! No! No No No nonononono!!!!"

It also helps that the song title has at its beginning an ellipsis. You know my love of ellipses... much better than the use of ( ) in song titles (more on that below).

"You Mean the World to Me" by Toni Braxton... This song is part of the Toni Trifecta, also featuring "Another Sad Love Song" and "Breathe Again". Its rare for any artist to have three straight incredibly incredible songs, but she did it. I love me some Toni... she's who my car is name after.

"Mr. Jones" by Counting Crows... My main problem with Adam Duritz is how in the world he could be some homely looking and still get with all these hot celebrities? In his prime, he dated not only a in-her-prime Jennifer Aniston, but also a in-her-prime Courtney Cox, a still in-her-prime Monica Potter and even a relatively-cute-then Winona Ryder. This would be like dopey me dating Julie Wise and Sandy Wright, but then going on to date Tiffany Abbott, followed by Laura DeGarmo before finally ending up with The Lovely Steph Leann. Wait... come to think of it, I had a pretty good run myself. Scratch all that.

"Come to My Window" by Melissa Ethridge... For The Lovely Steph Leann's money, she'd take "I'm The Only One" over this song anytime. Not me. I love the slow kick off, followed by the great vocals and guitar. I mean, yeah, she's singing in the choir of the Lesbetarian Church, but still... just cause Elton John is Brokeback doesn't mean that "Your Song" is any less diminished. So be it with Melissa.

"All I Wanna Do" by Sheryl Crow... I feel sad that Sheryl Crow has slowly become a laughing stock liberal. She used to be so awesome! As a matter of fact, I'm actively working on a list of "d$'s Favorite Artists, Ever", and Sheryl has to be Top Five. "The Globe Sessions"? One of my favorite CDs, ever.


As lamented in a previous post, I miss this Sheryl Crow. Sassy, hot, talented, and not a left wing moron.

"Stay" by Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories... There are those songs that you know by heart, and can sing anytime, anywhere. Then there are those songs that you know by heart, but you can't start in the middle... you have to start at the beginning. If someone said to you, "Hey, what's that part in the song about living forever? How does it go, I would have to start at the beginning, singing really softly and quickly to myself, "yousayidonlyhearwhatiwantto... (mumble through the verse)... soiturntheradiooniturntheradioupandthiswomanwassingingmysong... (mumble some more)... someofushoverwhilewerewaitingfortheotherwhowasdying... (a big more mumbling)... and I thought I'd live forever, and now I'm not so sure!! That's it!"

"Shine" by Collective Soul... I think Collective Soul could have been bigger, had they not come on the heels of Pearl Jam and Nirvana. They were rock without being metal, and were still pretty cool. As it is, they were awesome for the next, I dunno, like 7 years or something... "Gel", "December", "The World I Know" and one of my favorite running/driving songs, "Heavy". This song started it all though. There was a rumor that dcTalk's "So Long My Friend", a song about someone who gave up their walk with Christ to be famous, was about Collective Soul.

"Loser" by Beck... Let's face it, I don't know what this song is about. No, you don't either. Don't try.

"Regulate" by Warren G feat. Nate Dogg. Had to listen to this song throughly to make sure the only questionable material in the song was just mentions of tricks and ho's. We're good.

Maybe this was the first, maybe it wasn't, but this song was at the beginning of the "Featuring" trend. Remember how Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson sang "Say Say Say"? It was "Say Say Say" by Paul McCartney AND Michael Jackson. The "And" represented the fact that both parties did equal amounts of work. But here? Its not Warren G and Nate Dogg... oh nay nay. Its Warren G "FEATURING" Nate Dogg... and its not even "featuring", its "feat.". Can you imagine "Islands in the Stream" by Dolly Parton feat. Kenny Rogers? Or "Endless Love" by Diana Ross feat. Lionel Richie? I'm more bitter about this than I am with the use of ( ) in songs.

I hate when a song uses parantheses in the title. Bryan Adams, are you listening? Either name your song "Everything I Do", or "I Do It For You", or even "Everything I Do I Do It For You", but don't throw ( ) in there. "Everything I Do (I do it for you)". Why? "Over My Head (cable car)" is stupid. Either call it "Over My Head", or "The Cable Car", or even throw a / in there... "Over My Head/Cable Car" would work, though still silly, just not as silly. There are no reasons to have subtitles in your songs. Unless your Meat Loaf, and in that instance, your songs are 24 minutes long, so you probably deserve a subtitle. Just my thoughts.

Anyway, everyone now... "REEEGGUUULLLAAATTOOOORRSSS!!!!!! Mount up."

"The Most Beautiful Girl in the World" by Prince... One of The Purpled One's lesser known tunes, I like it. I own the cassette single. It's fun. It's silky. It's Prince before he lost all of his talent.

"The Sign" by Ace of Base... Personally, I preferred "Don't Turn Around", but this one is the most popular.

"Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" by The Crash Test Dummies... In the archives of ridiculous songs, this has to be right up there. I daresay that when this song comes on the playlist, this will be the first time some of you have either ever heard this song, or have heard it in about, maybe 14 or 15 years.

There's my new playlist, courtesy of "In My Coffee (the clouds)", starring d$ feat. The Lovely Steph Leann.

Disco Here. Disco There. Dis Idol Go Everywhere. (with RESULTS!)

THE RESULTS...
Just got home from The Happiest Place in the Mall, celebrating Earth Day by collecting a few thousand plastic water bottles for recycling... and now I'm here to recycle the jokes and watch the recycled group song (or fast forward, like you know I will...)

Hopped on Facebook, and thankfully I didn't see any news of who may or may not be kicked off... tonight, we lose two... because

THIS IS AMERICAN

IDOL

Seacrest lets me know the theme of the medley that I'll be skipping tonight (disco, natch) and the performance that I'll be skipping (Young Archie) so hopefully, I can miss that dreaded Ford commercial as well. The judges. Randy the Dawg, Simon the Cowell, Paula the Blunderer and Kara the New Hotness, are here, and we now watch Paula the Flake do the choreography for this week's group song.

Paula Abdul.... I used to have the hottest poster of her on my wall. She was part of my early celebrity crush lineage.... Nancy McKeon to Alyssa Milano to Debbie Gibson to Mariah Carey to Paula Abdul. Back in day, like many of today's musical jokes, Paula was awesome diggity. Seriously.

By the way, after the group song, they award Paula with some flowers... she comes onstage to hug them in a dress so short that Seacrest tells her to be careful.

Anyway, her first CD was "Forever Your Girl", but to me, the crown jewel was "Vibeology", an immaculate album of cool dance beats, fun songs and Paula at her premier hotness... and of course, it spawned one of the greatest, most epic, most incredible, most unintentionally hysterical videos in the history of the known world. Forget "The Matrix", or "Speed" or even the Oscar winning "Hardball"... no, Keanu Reeves finest moment...


I've posted this video before, but as my audience grows, I must give more chances for more people to witness this vision of visionary visions. You'll see this again when I finally do my post on my ten favorite music videos of all time...

Seacrest kills some time while the chicks change clothes... the guys do it faster. Always. Alright, Mindy D'A, dim the lights... let's start with... Lil Rounds. Her time has passed, she's gotten too many chances. Alexis Grace should be here right now. She takes a walk to the far side of the stage to the Silver Stools of Failure, though Seacrest doesn't actually say she's in the Bottom Three.

He doesn't have too, actually... he drops the bomb on her like The Gap Band, and just flat out tells her "Get out, chick." And she grabs the mic to kick Chaka Khan in the face again with her "I'm Every Woman".


Here's how the song should be sung... from one of the most underrated movies of all time... "The Bodyguard".

We're back now with Seacrest, welcoming... someone. Who? Frieda Payne? Who? Was Donna Summer really not available? They did 4,288 of her songs last night, putting Donna back in the spotlight, and she seriously couldn't find the time to come to Idol? What else is she doing? Nothing, that's what!!

Ah... here's Thelma Houston. "aaaawwwwww bbbbaaaaayyyyybbbaaaaayyy.... my heart is full and desire for you! So come on now and do what you know you gots to do!" The cut to Paula the Flake, who is standing and dancing, and Simon the Cowell has a big, toothy grin on his face. I think I've decided I want Thelma Houston to play at my birthday party this summer. Oh, come on, you know YOU would totally come to d$'s 34th Annual Birthday Bash in August if Thelma Houston was going to be there! She could just sing this song about 9 times and I'd be alright. The Lovely Steph Leann, can you get on that?

KC, sans Sunshine Band, comes out singing, what else, "Get Down Tonight". Dude looks like a trucker straight off of "To Catch a Predator". In fact, Chris Hansen might be in the second row... maybe its the botox or whatever, but KC is hard pressed to show any emotion whatever. He has this "Joker" type grin going on, and I mean Jack's, not Heath's. He's struggling to get down tonight, too. And where is the Sunshine band? Are they hanging with Donna Summer?

And we're back... alright Cindy Jo, dim the lights. Its time to show some Bottom Three-ness. One of the Silver Stools of Failure has been taken away...

Kris Allen stands up. Last night? Best performance of the night. Maybe the coolest, anyway. America votes... and Kris is safe. The Ambiguously Gay Adam stands up, with very little worry of anything, really. He's kinda got a Gay Chris Isaak coif going on, just much darker. He sits in safety.

The Widower Danny Gokey stands up. How does he actually have exactly the same amount of stubble every week? Does he time this every week? He sits. Naturally.

This now leaves Matty G, Anoop the Eyebrowed One and My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta... with two Silver Stools of Failure still unseated. Anoop nods knowingly as he is in the Bottom Two. Matty G and My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta stand up together...

Matty G... Matty G... Matty G... Matty G... please please please please....

Seacrest stretches it out as long as possible before finally sending My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta to the Silver Stools of Failure. And extra set of stools have been brought out, one for each of Anoop's eyebrows.

Young David Archuleta does his thing, I skip it entirely, and let's do the final results. KT, dim the lights. Seacrest holds the card... and Anoop Dogg is gone now. And before he sings his final song, he declares jihad on the entire show. Not good times. Its better this way, though... now the terrorists don't win. Well... considering our president... oy!

_______________________

PERFORMANCES....
Just a quick note before we start... Jason Bateman. I did a review on "State of Play" a few days ago, and Mindy D'A reminded me that I didn't mention Jason Bateman... he steals the latter half of this movie, by the way, and I can only attribute the fact that it was late when I blogged about it as the reason I left Bateman out. He is brilliant in this, and you need to know this.

Now...

THIS

IS

AMERICAN

IDOL

DISCO NIGHT

This is going to be the train wreck of the season, as it usually is. Seriously. I mean, when they are sitting around the table, and the producers are trying to come up with the themes, you reckon someone says, "Okay, we got country week... we got birth-year week... we got movie night... all the weeks are taken but one... what do we fill that one with?"

"What about Billy Joel Week? The songs of Billy Joel?"
"No, that's too old."
"What about... maybe Past Idol Tunes week? Songs from Kelly and Ruben and Taylor and Carrie and such."
"Nope, that's not good either"
And some drunk guy in the back stands up and says, "I think we should do disco week. Again!"
"PERFECT! Cause Barry Gibb was amazing last year!"

Here's what he sang... "Theres a. Light. Some kind. Of light..." It was horrendous--so bad, that to this day, I still make fun of it.

But as it is, this is Disco Week. If Lil Rounds doesn't blow this out the water, then there IS NO HOPE for her. Without a video (they probably only have one for The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert and The Goke), they let her go straight into Chaka Khan's "I'm Every Woman."

And I notice that in the hotpants she's wearing, she's got back for days. Literally, I could take this Chipotle Mexican Grill cup of ice cold Co-cola and set it on the top of that thing. She's close the judges, but her bum is straight back, rubbing the video screen.

Randy the Dawg says, "You got the party started... but..." and its not good. He says that she didnt show what kind of artist she could be, and seriously, by now, there isn't any chance she will. Kara the New Hotness says, "We've been waiting for you to sing Chaka or someone and show us what you can do... and really, I don't think its worth the wait. You literally have been every woman up there this year." Paula the Flake goes through butterflies and puppy dog tails. Simon the Cowell says it was copycat and messy.

Kris Allen is holding a guitar for Disco Week. Is there really any guitar music ever actually in any disco song you know? And he picked out "She's Works Hard for the Money" by Donna Summer, and as he says, its a song about a woman who has a great work ethic. Yep, she works hard. For her money.

I look over at The Lovely Steph Leann, smiling and simply say, "I dig this guy." She chirps, "I LOVE KRIS ALLEN!!" Dude, this is awesome. He's got the band on the stage, pounding the bongos, playing guitar and really... and this is the first time I've said this so far this season... I might consider buying a Kris Allen CD. And for the first time this year, a performance that I might actually consider in the Top 100 Coolest Things of 2009, along with Chipotle, lunch with Stan McDuffie and Mindy D'A herself...

Kara the New Hotness sings his praises. Paula... oh, Paula Paula Paula. I cannot even describe what I just heard. "Some women shop in the men's department, but few men shop in the women's department", leading to all sorts of Kris Allen Buys Chick Undies jokes... Simon the Cowell says it was completely opposite of Lil Rounds, and that it was fantastic. Randy the Dawg says it was awesome.

The Lovely Steph Leann begins a real rant... "I mean, come on, I know it was mess up Idol's perfect little word to have Kris Allen in the top two and not The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert or The Widower Danny Gokey, but REALLY!!! HE'S AWESOME!!! WHAT DOES HE HAVE TO DO??!!"

So let's now give it to The Goke himself, The Widower Danny Gokey... he's doing "September" by Earth Wind & Fire. This is a hard song for a white boy to pull off, really. I'll be honest, I make fun of (with?) the guy, but he can sing. He's got a great voice. But he's done very little to impress me so far.

This used to be my ringtone on my first cell phone I ever got. I remember using it as a wake up alarm on missions in New York City in 2005.

Randy the Dawg said he wasn't sure about the song choice originally, but he really like the version that The Gokinator made happen. Kara the New Hotness--and really, she is pretty hot, and I think she gets finer as the season goes on--loved it. She loved the pitch. Paula the Blitherer blitherers. She says he's got a sexy voice. Cindy Jo agrees. Simon the Cowell likes The Widower Danny Gokey, but didn't like the song.



My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta must defend her My Next American Idol crown against challenger Kris Allen tonight. She's doing "Hot Stuff" by Donna Summer, and chick is laying on the stairs, slinking up across the stage and if she were a) older than 16 and b) prettier, then she'd be pretty hot right about now. But as she's neither, I can say she looks pretty cool.

I love me some Jailbait Ally... but I didn't like the song all that much. Randy the Dawg thought the arrangement was overindulgent, but says she's one of the best singers in the competition. I think we've heard "And you're only 16!!" or some variation of that has been said about 53,000 times this year. Kara the New Hotness agrees with Randy the Dawg. Paula the Blubberer blubberers. Simon the Cowell says it was a brilliant performance.

And now its time for The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert. He's doing... or will destroy... "If I Can't Have You" by Yvonne Elliman, one of my favorite disco songs from that era. Seriously, I love that song.

And he turns it into a ballad. I think he's actually a pretty smart guy... he'll do a rape of a certain classic, like last week, then come back the next week and play it safe, sing it pleasantly cool, and wait for the judges to heap praises onto him. And right at the end, he throws in his "WHHHAAAAAAAAYAYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAHHHHHHH" scream. Its a patented move now. Yes, yes, the song was good. But its The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert.

Randy the Dawg says it was awesome. Kara the New Hotness says this was the most memorable performance, and I completely disagree. Kris Allen has stolen this show. Paula the Blabberer blabberers, while Simon the Cowell laughs at her. Simon the Cowell was surprised is that it wasn't Donna Summer, but loved it and the immaculate vocals.

Personally, I think The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert should have done... "YMCA"? "Macho Man"? "In the Navy"? Ha! I tell The Lovely Steph Leann this joke, and she rolls her eyes.

My favorite disco songs ever... in no particular order...

• "Dancing Queen" by ABBA, though I can't truly rule this straight disco, and if ABBA is disco, then I can't say that "Dancing Queen" is my favorite ABBA song, because its a toss up between "Mamma Mia" and "S.O.S.".
• "If I Can't Have You" by Yvonne Elliman. The real version, not the one The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert just took an Ambiguously Gay dump on.
• "Last Dance" by Donna Summer. Its quick, its fun, its sing alongable.
• "When Will I See You" by The Three Degrees. Soft. Tender. Sensative. Like me.
• "Don't Leave Me This Way" by Thelma Houston. You'd know this if you heard it... it starts out slower, then kicks in "ooooohhhhhh baby! my heart is full o'love and desire for you!"
• "The Rubberband Man" by The Spinners. I don't have a single clue what this song is about, nor do I care. Its just cool, cool funk.
• "We Want the Funk" by George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic. Can you get a much cooler name than Parliament Funkadelic. I think not.

And yes, I'm thrilled by the fact that this album is called "Kung Fu Fighting and Other Love Songs". The unintentional comedy scale just broke.

• "Kung Fu Fighting" by Carl Douglas. Seriously, how does a black man in the 70s come up with the idea of writing a song--a racist song at that, with Chinamen and Lil Sammy Chong--about kung fu movies and such? I am sure wacky terbacky was involved. (more on this at the bottom of the blog...)
• "Best of My Love" by The Emotions. "Whoa oh, you get the best of my love, whoa oh... you get the best of my love!" Possibly my favorite disco classic.

I ask The Lovely Steph Leann her favorite disco songs, and she shrugs. "I like that Yvonne song I guess... I dunno... 'I Will Survive'... maybe? I don't even know what there is..."

Thats true with Disco. I had to pull up iTunes and actually look at my Disco genre.

Back to the show, where Seacrest alludes to Matty G doing "Stayin' Alive". Could this be true?

Without hearing the version, I call it--Lil Rounds and Matty G go home. If you are The Widower Danny Gokey or The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert, you can do "Stayin' Alive" and get away with it. If you are fighting for your life, you don't do "Stayin' Alive". You find something you can absolutely nail. Something you can blow out. This song? No.

He comes out, puts a little rock/soul spin on it, and it sounds pretty good. Heck, if you are doing to do something risky and crazy, go "Atomic Dog". Who wouldn't have wanted to hear Matty G go "Bow wow wow yippee yo yippee yay"?

Randy the Dawg didn't love the song, but still says that Matty G can really sing. Kara the New Hotness says she was glad that Matty G brought disco back to the night. Paula the Wanderer wanderers, making a bowling metaphor of some sort. Right up her alley. Simon the Cowell didn't like it.

Anoop the Eyebrowed One closes out the show, and I wonder what ballad he's going to do. And I say this right before the guitar starts with the ballad music. Its a song called "Dim the Lights", and hey... the song picks up. Its one I'm not familiar with, but its by, again, Donna Summer.

When I made my prediction about who's going home, I literally forgot that Anoop the Eyebrowed One was even in this show... Randy the Dawg liked it. Kara the New Hotness liked it. Paula the Wisdomer dispenses wisdom. Er. Simon the Cowell disagrees with everyone, not liking the song at all, and thought it was the worst Eyebrowed performance by a mile.

So here's how it goes down...
Kris Allen. My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta. Matty G. The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert. The Widower Danny Gokey. The Eyebrowed Anoop Doggy Dogg. Lil Rounds.

As they are showing the clips again, and reminding you of the numbers, The Lovely Steph Leann goes on another mini-rant about Kris Allen, and how he's getting no love from the judges, and she doesn't know what he can do to make them say "you can win this thing!"

And for me, Disco Week wasn't all that bad this year. Results tomorrow night!

So after the show was over, I was still curious about Carl Douglas writing and performing "Kung Fu Fighting". I mean, really. This is like me sitting down and writing a ballad about political espionage, cause I liked those kind of films. I ventured over to Carl's Wiki page, and here is what he lists as his three factors for writing this song...

1. He liked Kung Fu movies, and had seen them recently. Granted.
2. Went to a jazz concert featuring Oscar Peterson, a legendary jazz pianist, and was inspired by some of his music
and finally...
3. Was suffering from the side effects of pain killers.


Ladies and gentleman, I think we have a winner. Option #3. Yep, I noticed its not even in sync. Just like a great kung fu movie. Everyone now... "Wha ho ho hoooooooo.... Wha ho ho hooooo..... Wha ho ho hoooooo.... Wha ho ho hoooooo...."