Monday, April 23, 2007

Sheryl Crow, My Favorite Mistaken Liberal


I'm tired of all my favorite singers and celebrities turning Team Bats*** on me. I mean, Natalie Maines is already a team member when, last year, I lost my beloved Dixie Chicks to the extreme far left wacko side... and now Sheryl Crow?

My beloved Sheryl? Singer of some of my favorite tunes like "A Change Will Do You Good" and "Steve McQueen" and one of the greatest hits of the 90s, "My Favorite Mistake"? Yes, its true. Sheryl has been sucked into the Global Warming Political Machine.

She's declared one of the best ways that Earth killing you and Earth killing me can help save the planet is by using...
one square of toilet paper each time you visit. Now, let me be very careful here... for guys, half the time its not a big deal. For girls, I'm guessing that it... well, could be possible to use only one square.

But its very obvious Sheryl has never visited
Top China Buffet. Using one square of toilet paper after visiting Top China Buffet would as ridiculous as hacking your arm off and then putting a band aid on it to stop the blood. Or as ridiculous as Sheryl Crow's concert demands, commonly known as a rider (different hard liquor each day of the week? and several trucks?). Or as ridiculous as The Algore Global Warming Diet. You know, the one that says "you must stop driving that SUV and wasting that paper and cut down on your emissions... and I'll keep doing what I'm doing."

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Sheryl Crow, singer of one of my favorite albums here, says we should use one square. I'd like to see her try that.. okay, no I wouldn't. Eeew.


Speaking of Algore, I'm
70,594th on the petition to have Algore run for president again. I think its a GREAT idea. Seriously. I mean, just about any Republican can run against him and win... Algore is a quack, a jerk, a scam artist and a hypocrite. Okay, okay, I always try to be careful of name calling, so I take back "quack" and "jerk". Scam artist I can see, and I totally stand behind hypocrite.

Homeslice lives in a 10K foot, 20 room, 8 bathroom home in Nashville, has a 4K foot home in Virginia, and a third home in Carthage, TN. Both Washington DC and Nashville offer an alternative energy--wind energy can be yours for only a few pennies extra per kilowatt hour. Bush has even signed up some of the federal government offices to use such energy. Algore doesn't do any of it.

He condemns the use of fossil fuels in America, and our carbon-emissions, yet embraces and excuses China for usage that within two years will exceed our own, saying that they are a communist nation and should not held to the same standards as we have.

He thrives in carbon-credits, where you pay some company money to plant trees to neutral out your energy use, but none of these CC companies have any kind of accountability, nor responsibility to do anything. No oversight, but the guilt is gone. Heck, Chris Martin paid a CC company a bundle of cash to plant a certan kind of tree in India to, you know, even out Coldplay's usage on their latest tour. The trees were planted in an area of India that they could not grow... so they all died.

I mean, its one thing to live excessively. If you do so, do so at your own risk. You got the money, do what you want with it... but don't tell me I can't buy and SUV because I am contributing to the destruction of the world, a logic that is based on a consensus of some scientists with no regard to the thousands of meteorologists and scientists who claim its all bunk, which means its a theory with no current proof, and full of holes.

Okay, fine. Algore is in fact a quack, a jerk, a scam artist and a hypocrite. I know this to be fact? Why? Because I know a bunch of people that think the same thing. And if we all have a consensus that he is those things, well, then, hidey-ho, it must be true. Right? Right?

(by the way, to everyone on that petition site who uses the phrases "stole the White House" and "fraudulent election", get over it. It was 7 years ago. Algore lost legally, he lost fairly and he lost because of the electoral college. That's how it works. Don't get mad at Dubya... be mad at the Supreme Court who made the decision, be mad at our founding fathers for putting the electoral college in place as a system where all states are fairly represented, not just the most populated cties, and be mad at the DEMOCRATS who were running the voting locations in the counties in question. Suck it up. You lost. Its over. Move on.)

I love the Amazing Race All Stars. I really do. I think its because I'm rooting so hard for Dustin & Kandice to win, not because I'm all about D&K (I still can't tell which is which) but because I don't want Team Bats***, Eric & the Boob or Gay Miserable to pull out a victory. D&K seems to be the only one who doesn't complain about getting undercut, and they actually admit defeat.

The "Yield" is part of the game. When you reach it, you can make another team wait an hour before continuing. Its a strategy tool. Its not like you took a bat to the kneecaps of another team (though with Mirna, how enjoyable would that be?), or lied to their faces or whatever... so all the calls of "playing dirty and underhanded" and so on are just... well, whining. Shut up. Run the race.

As for Phil, the host... how can you not laugh at EW's review and their take on Phil's routine:

I wonder if every time he stands at a pit stop, he ponders a detour of his own, each with its own pros and cons: Paycheck...or rain check: ''With paycheck, I stand on this godforsaken mat for four hours making awkward conversation with some local in a serape whom we're paying $10 an hour, then play the old 'I'm pretending that you're last, but you're actually still in it!' game with the teams, and then when they clap and hug each other, I resist the urge to hit them over the head with a Travelocity gnome so hard they'll be picking white beard out of their hair for a week. With rain check, I tell [the producer] Bertram van Munster there's a roadblock only one of my boots can perform, and it's going right into his bum, and then I'll walk away from this endless semester abroad, go home, try to shake my six-year-old case of jet lag, and audition for Bob Barker's job.'' Then he sighs, picks paycheck, and steps onto yet another mat, trying to muster enough enthusiasm to raise one eyebrow.

So both of The Fray's songs, "Cable Car" and "How To Save a Life" sound almost alike. And I'm addicted to both. Is this bad?

Remember TBS' "Dinner & a Movie"? (do they still do this?) It came on Friday night, and they usually showed a chick flick, or some movie you only saw once and would never watch again, and in between commercial breaks, you have this chick and this guy cooking a meal. They show how to do it, step by step, and typically, it related to the movie. Example: "Firestorm", the movie that won Howie Long an Oscar, would be playing, and since its a thrilling character study of wildlife firefighters, they might be doing some sort of hot & spicy bar-b-que meal. You get the point.

Anyway, Annabelle Gurwitch was the chick, and I always thought she was just fun. Seems that one day, she was hired on to do a Woody Allen play, one of her dreams. And then, just like that, Big Woody tells her, basically, she sucks, and that she's fired. Hence, the documentary "Fired!", which I saw just the other day. The firing by Woody open the movie, and is so gut-wretching its funny.

And she ends up talking to fellow B-list comedians who were also fired at one time or another, including people I can't think of, but have seen at one time or another on Vh1's various series where they show a clip of something and people try to be funny and say quirky and witty things about it. Once, I saw Jason Mraz doing one of these shows. Why? Has he earned that much street cred from like, two songs? I was tossing popcorn at the screen, begging for Mo Rocca.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, its a great little movie, and I might just go get the book this afternoon... the
website for this movie is fantastic... except for when I read that Annabelle's next documentary is a global warming kind of movie. (Curse you, Global Warming! The Chicks! Sheryl! Now you come after Annabelle? Have you no limit to your web of deceit?!)

if you think back to when you were fired, and 99% of us were at some point, its true that you can look back and laugh now, but then? Yeesh. My buddy Mikey was fired from Blockbuster for stea... borrowing a Coke. Me? I got let go from WKMX because my friend AmyAlex came to visit me once at midnight, and there was a no-visitors policy in the studio. And until now, I've never admitted that. I feel a burden has been lifted.

I saw "Employee of the Month" as well. Surprisingly, I thought it was kinda funny. I mean, the chances of this movie being remembered in five years beyond hard core Dane Cook fans are about as remote as my statement of Howie Long's Oscar ever coming true, but still...

Its a dumb story of a group of guys working at a big discount store, like Costco or Sam's Club. Vince is the superstar check out guy who has won Employee of the Month for 17 straight months, and winning it 18 months in a row gives him a big bonus and a car and so on and so forth... Dane Cook is Zack, who just doesn't care... until Amy (Jessica Simpson) shows up, and there's a rumor going around that she's got a thing for guys who are employees of the month... rivalry between Vince and Zack. Throw in Harland Williams, Andy Dick and Pedro. Hilarity ensues.

Yes, it was predictable, and yes it was silly. But it was fun. And sometimes you need that. The best thing about it? Well, Jessica Simpson, but not in the way you think (I, for one, have always lumped Jessica in with Angelina Jolie in the "I don't know why everyone thinks they are so hot, cause... well, they just ain't" catagory. Also see "Roberts, Julia", "Zeta-Jones, Catherine" and "Clinton, Hillary")

All of Jessica's lines are very short. I mean, like, ten words or less. Its as if she learned her lines per scene... said a line, ran over to the script, learned the next one, came back, said it for the camera, and then ran back for the next line. Funny.

As for Dax Shepard, who plays Vince, who is this guy? If you were standing in line at the welfare office to get your cheese and butter, when you asked for your Zach Braff, the gov'nment would give you Dax Shepard. Bizarre.

Speaking of Shepard, that brings us to Grey's Anatomy. Steph and I have been watching this show on DVD like crazy, trying to catch up. We just finished the 18th episode of Season Two, where the last scene is when George admits to Meredith his love for her, and she responds by taking his shirt off... uh, you know, because that's how she likes guy to pray with her, right? Right.

Anyway, I'm trying to see the appeal of Meredith Grey. I mean, let's be honest... the more I watch Kate Walsh, the hotter I think she is. I've always thought Katherine Heigl was just gorgeous, and my favorite Asian not named Michelle Malkin has always been Sandra Oh... but Ellen Pompeo is just not that good looking to me. I've tried to find her attractive, but my efforts are not working.

McSteamy (Eric Dane) has just been introduced, and though I haven't asked her, I'm sure Stephanie likes what she sees... though chalk her up under "I Love McDreamy".

Its not a very moral show, though, is it? Meredith slept with some guy who had issues the next day, Meredith slept with George and with McDreamy, McDreamy slept with Addison, we know Addison slept with McSteamy, Burke slept with Yang, Webber slept with Meredith's mom (albeit a long time ago), Olivia slept with George, Olivia slept with Alex, Alex slept with Izzie, we know that Izzie will sleep with Denny... I guess that's why it's called Grey's Anatomy, not Grey's Abstinance.

Here's my thought on Sanjaya... and yes, this time, he's Sanjaya, not Punjab. To called him Punjab would be an insult to all the Punjabs of the world. Seriously, who would name their son Punjab? That's such a stereotypical name... its like a Mexican kid named Juan or a black kid named Shenanay.

Anyway, I imagined a phone call between Nigel Lythgoe, the American Idol producer, and the guy who is in charge of the phone voting system...

Guy in Charge, picking up the phone: Hey, this is Chuck
Nygel: Chuck, this is Nigel Lythgoe
Chuck: He, Mr. Lythgoe... you know, that Sanjaya, he's pesky. He got the 3rd highest vote totals again! Poor LaKisha's luck finally...
Nigel (cutting him off): Chuck, listen to me very carefully. Sanjaya doesn't win.
Chuck: I'm sorry?
Nigel: Sanjaya doesn't win. Do you understand me?
Chuck: Mr. Lythgoe... are you saying you want me to fix the...
Nigel: What I'm saying to you Chuck is... Sanjaya doesn't win. You figure it out (slam the phone down)

And Martina, formerly hot, looked really old on Wednesday. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

And finally, congrats again to Wookiee and Gina, who's boy Austin is healthy and fat, after only a few weeks from being out of the hospital. And a big congrats to Ryan and Melissa Sherman, who have one on the way in about seven more months...

I'll do my best to have a comprehensive Idol update, along with Survivor, and as The Amazing Race All Stars draws nearer to its end, I'll have the update on Team Bats***... only a few more weeks can I say that.

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