Wednesday, May 26, 2010

...And Lee is None DeWyzer (Idol IX Finale 2)

So here's last night's recap show...

And here we are.  Seven hours of fluff to give us 12 seconds of news.  Rock on.




Sez Amarylis By Morning (up from san antone):  American Idol 10 (its Season 9-d$) is the biggest snoozer since Jordan Sparks won it. There is zero anticipation for me.

8p... Yes, this show started at 7pm tonight, and yes, its 8pm, and we just started.  The Lovely Steph Leann and I decided on dinner first, and we headed to The Purple Onion over here on 280.  The owner of our favorite location on Hwy 31 is apparently owning this one too, because he was sitting there in the cafe.  And it was awesome.  I love me some Purp'O, and I'm happy a great location has opened up less than 3 miles from The Cabana, instead of the 10+ mile trek we have to usually make.

The judges are introduced, and The Lovely Steph Leann's first question:  "What in the bejeebers is Randy Jackson wearing??"

8:04p... The finalists come down the steps, and we both notice that Lee and Crystal are all wearing Preparatory Outfits.  We are confused, until the Top 12 are introduced and I realize they are doing "School's Out" by Alice Cooper.  Glee this ain't.

About to fast forward through the group song when I notice none other than Alice Cooper himself, Christ Follower (no, seriously) and staunch Republican, come out.

Fast Forward through Commercials

8:08p... About to fast forward through Kris Allen and The Lovely Steph Leann tells me to put down the remote as he is about to sing his new single, "The Truth".  As Seacrest sends it to Kris, and Kris begins, we still hear Seacrest and some backstage chick talking.  Really, Fox?  Your the biggest show in the country for what, 7 years running?  Get this right.

8:11p... A montage of Simon Cowell clips, as this is his final Idol.  Many of these audition clips I actually remember.  A great appearance of Paula the Flake... I miss Paula. 

8:13p... Siobhan Magnus and Aaron Kelly.  Doing us the Bee Gees. 

8:13p... The Lovely Steph Leann tells me I can fast forward, but I'm intrigued by the fact that Siobhan and Aaron are singing "How Deep Is Your Love"... and then , the curtain rises, and out comes Barry Gibb, and another guy I can only assume is another Gee.   The last time Barry Gibb was on this show was really, really bad... a few seasons back, they did Bee Gees week, and Barry performed "To Love Somebody", and it was so bad, so terribly bad, that years later, I still randomly break out with a "there's a.light.  some kinda light." in mockery--and it still sounds better than that night.

8:16p... Barry Gibb sounds marginally better

8:16p... The camera pans to David Hasselhoff in the audience.  The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up, "There's The Hoff!  He's in every one of these finales!  The camera just finds him!"

Fast Forward through Commercials

8:18p... Big Mike comes out, singing a song that I cannot place... I don't know the lyrics, but I know the music... what is it... what is it....

8:19p... "Takin' It to the Streets"!  And here comes Michael McDonald!  The Lovely Steph Leann says, "I still have a hard time realizing this guy is white..."

8:20p... Michael McDonald is awesome.  "Sweet Freedom" from the '86 Billy Crystal/Gregory Hines piece of crap "Running Scared" was awesome.  "Keep Forgettin'" was awesome.  His lead on "What a Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers.  Awesome. 

8:22p... I have a hard time disliking Dane Cook.  I only say that because he's now onstage singing a comedic song dedicated to Simon.  Most people I know aren't Dane Cook fans, and certainly, if you've ever seen "Good Luck Chuck", you'll know why.  However, his movie "Employee of the Month", as terrible as it is, I'll watch it everytime its on, and laugh all the same.  Anyway, this Dane Cook bit tonight?  Pretty crappy.

Fast forward through commercials

8:25p... Lacey Brown singing Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful".  In the first five notes, we are reminded why she was kicked out in Week 12.  We fast forward through, til we see Xtina herself appear, leading the group in "Stronger"

8:26p... Christina Aguilera sings a new song.  We fast forward.

8:27p... Ricky Gervais appears via satellite to say goodbye to Simon the Cowell. 

Fast Forward through Commercials

8:29p... Lee DeWyze is on stage to sing Hall & Oates "I Can't Go For That (no can do)", which sounds really, really good.  It sounded great til Andrew Garcia joined him.  Casey James then leads us to "Maneater".  Now I'm wondering if Hall & Oates will make an appearance.  That would rule.

8:30p... Aaron Kelly singing this song is funny, because you know he has no concept of what this song even is, and who the artists are.  And he wouldn't even get the joke 'Ah, its Jeffrey Dahmer's theme song'. 

8:31p... HALL AND OATES!!!!!  I just told The Lovely Steph Leann that if they came anywhere near here, I'd totally go see them.  And they start singing "You Make My Dreams Come True".  About three lines in, The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up and says, "Dude.  Darryl Hall.  You are obviously too old for this."

8:32p... Law #8,878 I'm forcing through when I become president in 2028... John Oates is required to sport his 80s 'stache at all times.  At all times.  Shaving it is a punishable fine of $100,000 and/or up to ten years in maximum security prison.  Just sayin'.

8:34p... Crystal Bowersox comes out and sings "Ironic".   And then, as now expected, Alanis Morrisette herself comes out, starting out with "You Oughta Know".  How can I fast forward through this darn show when I actually want to watch the performances!?   Crystal changes a key line in the song, "Would she go down with you to the theater".  You know your old when you see that line, and immediately know what the original line is.  Hey, "Jagged Little Pill" was a college icon album for me, one of those "what CDs would you take with you to a deserted island" kind of albums.  Even The Lovely Steph Leann likes this CD, which is saying something, because a rocker chick she ain't.

8:36p... Alanis/Crystal duet.  AWESOME.  The Lovely Steph Leann is even singing along to "You Oughta Know".

Fast Forward through Commercials

8:42p... The Lovely Steph Leann and I have this quick, spirited discussion about whether "Jagged Little Pill" was a rock album or not.  I say yes, she says it was more alternative, to which I say, "Yes, alt rock."  I'm right.  Again

8:42p... Carrie Underwood comes out.  She's singing "Undo", a song I'm not a huge fan of.  I like Carrie, though, because she really shows how appreciative of Idol--she comes back all the time, and shows her gratitude frequently.  Unlike Kelly Clarkson, who seems like she wants to forget Idol is the reason she has a career.

8:44p... Typing that last paragraph, almost missed fast forwarding through the Ford Commercial.  Made it, though!

8:45p... Casey James introduced singing "Every Rose Has its Thorn", which makes me throw my hands up, saying "Bret Michaels is coming out!  Yeah!!"  How can you not like this guy, and this song?  Seriously.

8:47p... Okay, so Bret Michaels is having the best year ever.  I mean, "Rock of Love", "Rock of Love 2", "Skank of Love", "Rock of Love Bus", "Venereal Disease of Love 5" and all those shows, while it make him a punchline of sorts, made him relevant again.  And then, with the Celebrity Apprentice having such a great season this year (and it was awesome) and him doing so well, plus his medical issues--don't get me wrong, I don't wish ill on him at all, but everyone has felt for him, and learned to love him... he can do just about anything right now.

8:50p... Lee DeWyze is out now, joining the band Chicago for a medley of hits.  If I were to even think about fast forwarding, The Lovely Steph Leann would be on the phone with Brad J. Latta, Atty at Law, discussing divorce.  She loves loves loves her some Chicago.  Even the old crap. 

8:52p... Reality hits bigtime, as they start "If You Leave Me Now", and I say, "They sound unfortunate".  The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up, "Yeah, they sound a little like Hall & Oates.  Maybe Lee should sing the whole time..."

8:54p... Another Simon montage.  Then Seacrest says the magic words... "Pants On The Ground".  The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up, "Ohmigosh... they are actually doing this song on the stage?  Oh dear..."  They bring out the barely alive Bee Gees, then redeem themselves with Alanis, then a little off-key Hall & Oates, which I still love, and then they go all awesome with Michael McDonald and Bret Michaels.  And now?  The Pants guy... and William Hung.  No joke.

Fast Forward through Commercials

8:59p... Remember, we started this at 8pm, and we've got 30 minutes left to get through.  Another Simon montage... and here's Paula the Flake herself, looking absolutely gorgeous for the first time since, I dunno, 1994 and the "Rush Rush" video...

9:02... And now that she's talking, and I remember why I call her "Paula the Flake".  I'd like to think she's stumbling and bumbling because she's not reading from a prompter, but I can almost guarentee that she IS reading from a prompter... and she still sounds like this. 

9:05p... So, I guess the producers said, "Hey, Lee and Crystal can sing... but they have no personality... lucky for us we can concentrate on Simon's leaving and make the finale about that!   Hey, someone call Shady Oakes Retirement Village in Irvine and see if Barry Gibbs and John Oates and that singer from Chicago are available next week!"

9:07p... Here comes Kelly Clarkson!  And then Ruuuuuuben!  And Fantasia!  And then Carrie!  And then Taylor!  And now Jordin!  And now Kris!   Where's David Cook?? 

9:08p... They are doing a song that's something about "look what we've become..." or something.  I'm happy to see Kelly Clarkson here, though she looks like "I really don't want to do this..."  Anyway, the Idol winners are dressed in black, and out walks, in white, a ton of former Idol standouts, like Blake Lewis, David Archuleta, Ace Young, Mikaylah Gordon (okay, I said standout, but I guess anyone can come), Jason Castro, and.... PICKLES!!!  I love Pickles.

9:11p.... "Hey, fellow producer, let's remind America that this show CAN be great!  Let's get a whole bunch of former Idols up there to remind America what we've done!" 

9:12p... Simon gets up, says a few words, and gets misty eyed

Fast forward through commercials

9:13p... The Top 12 start out with "Again" by Janet Jackson, a lovely little ditty that I have on cassette singles.  And of course, here comes Janet... I do love this song.  My favorite Janet songs, starting with 5, is "Escapade"... 4) "Again"... 3) "The Best Things in Life Are Free", a duet with the late, great Luther Vandross from The Dave100 movie "Mo' Money"... 2) "Miss You Much"... and my favorite Janet song is "Love Will Never Do (without you)".  I love that tune.

9:15p... As Janet Jackson sings solo, we have this exchange:
Me: Ya know, she sounds a lot like Michael did towards his end there
The Lovely Steph Leann:  That's exactly what I was thinking!!!  I almost wonder if maybe she was doing his singing...

9:17p... I fast forward for just about 4 seconds before I stop it, realizing she's going to another song... and when I realize its "Nasty", I just set the remote down.  That's right.  Don't call me baby.  Its Janet, Jackson, if you're nasty.

9:20p... Seacrest:  Tonight... its about Lee and Crystal
Me:  No, no its not.  Its about Simon
The Lovely Steph Leann:  Lee who?  Who's Crystal?

9:22p... Lee and Crystal come out together to sing "A Little Help from My Friends", as made famous by The Beatles, but popularized by Joe Cocker on my #2 favorite tv show of all time, "The Wonder Years", recently supplanted from the top spot by "LOST".  And on cue, Joe Cocker comes out to sing a little.  And I think he just missed a line.  But man, he can still wail, even at the ripe old age of 104.

9:25p... After a brief debate on The Beatles version vs Joe Cocker's version, I go to the source.  Wikipedia.  Lennon and McCartney did it in 1967, but Cocker did a radically different version in '68, one that he performed at Woodstock, and it went on to be the version used by "The Wonder Years". 

Fast forward through commercials

Its 9:25p.  There is about 6 minutes left recorded on the show.  We are now concerned that we will miss the winner, unless Seacrest gets to it.

Its 9:27p... Dim the lights!  After the nationwide vote... the winner and new American Idol is...

...Lee DeWyze.

Okay, so there's that.

Lee is emotional, and its kinda sweet to see him almost speechless.  They pan to the judges and Simon looks bored, like he knows the wrong person won (and really... after last night, Crystal should have won this)  The Lovely Steph Leann says, "He should be bored and ready to leave.  Lee shouldn't have won... that should have been Crystal."

The Lovely Steph Leann is not upset at Lee's win because she doesn't think he's good enough, she's upset at Lee's win because "We needed a female to win.  Suck it." 

And what a fitting phrase to end a disappointing season of Idol.  Suck it.  Well said, The Lovely Steph Leann, well said.


  1. i'm not a big fan if idon but still waiting for the result... nice recap then!

  2. Well, thank you.. sometimes the show is awesome, other times its a chore. either way, i love writing!


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