The Expendables Are Coming

(because there is so many names and titles in this list, I decided not to link to many of them--just too much work.  carry on)

There is a movie coming out in August called "The Expendables".  This film stars Sylvester Stallone, Jet Li, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Randy Couture, Eric Roberts and Mickey Rourke,  with special cameos by The Governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis.

And I want to give you a short list of the craptastic films that you may have seen these actors in--this is by no means a list of all of their films, just a list of what I deem so-bad-they-are-awesome movies:
Cobra... Over the Top (the finest arm wrestling movie ever made)... Demolition Man... The Specialist... Tango & Cash... Rambo II, III and IV... Rocky III and IV... Judge Dredd... Crank... Crank: High Voltage... Death Race... Romeo Must Die... Cradle 2 the Grave... The One... Masters of the Universe... The Punisher... Universal Soldier... The Condemned... Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man...

Toss in Willis and Ahnald, you get some movies like Collateral Damage, Commando, Red Heat, The Running Man, End of Days, Armageddon, Mercury Rising and The Last Boy Scout...

Each of these films filled with explosions and F-bombs and guns and bombs and car chases and motorcycles and robots and fisticuffs and lots and lots and lots of dead people.  And arm wrestling. 

Anyway, I am so jazzed for "The Expendables" that I can hardly stand it... I mean, its going to be a terrible, horrible film and its going to be absolutely awesome.  I probably have higher hopes for this film than I've had for any movie in a long, long time.   And tonight, I found on Premiere.com's site, an article entitled "15 Things I Expect From The Expendables".  After the trailer, you'll see the column...



This better be awesome, Sly.

The upcoming action epic The Expendables doesn't look like an homage to 80's action porn or an ironic nod to a decades-old genre that prized patrio-sadism. Instead, the heavy metal trailer comes off like a museum exhibit of greasy, head-smashing he-men from yesteryear come to magical life. Think Toy Story 3 with compound fractures, explosions, and macho posturing.

This highly-anticipated opera of destruction is the brainchild of Sylvester Stallone, 64-years young and unnaturally ripped. Sly directs and leads a cast of actors renown for stern looks, and rippling pecks. Grizzled thespians classically weight trained. This includes relative newcomer Jason Statham, martial arts movie pioneer Jet Li, and Dolph Lundgren, a man who once had a Fulbright scholarship to MIT for engineering. No, seriously.

Also promised in the movie are cameos from Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger, both of whom purportedly enjoy a small scene with Stallone. This Holy Trinity of Righteous Fury on screen together for the first time will mark a truly historical pop cultural moment. Wrestler Steve Austin and Ultimate Fighter Andy Couture add an extra case of glistening abs to the testosterone party. The plot of The Expendables is simple: a group of battle-hardened mercenaries oh look a chirping birdie! Then, KA-BOOM!

Okay. So maybe "highly-anticipated" is a bit of a stretch. But entire generations of film fans love that specific Reagan-era flavor of movie where rough and ready men visit violence on really, really bad guys. These kind of action movies were the flip-side of 80's horror movies -- instead of our greatest fears stalking our dreams and our campsites, monosyllabic warriors the weak wish they could be stalked our greatest fears.

The word is this movie doesn't parody itself or collapse into camp. It's an honest attempt to recapture a more innocent time. A time when one man could give nightmares to America's nightmares. That said, this gun show had better deliver. It has to live up to it's storied past of movies with three action-oriented word titles. Here's what I expect from The Expendables. If I don't see all of the following essential elements in Stallone's opus, the ten-year old in me will become angry. Angry like a wolf made out of fire.

The Expendables opens August, 13th.

1. One bad guy must be dispatched via rocket launcher. The victorious hero must then say "I'm just getting fired up!" Or "Give pieces a chance." Or "Don't blow your stack. Let me."

2. At some point, one of our heroes has to endure horrendous torture at the hands of the bad guys. The means of torture can include water-boarding, electric shock, or some sort of wild, feral beast with gnashing teeth. The hero must suffer, bravely.When asked if he gives up, must respond "I'll see you in Hell." The torture scene should not be confused with a deathtrap scene. This isn't that kind of movie.

3. Heroes should scowl or smirk. Bad guys should scowl or smirk. When these expressions occur exactly is the difference between hero and bad guy.

4. Cigars must be chomped.

5. The body oil budget must be equal to the ordnance budget.

6. Knife fight!

7. There has to be a scene where our heroes reverently lock, load, and secure weapons to their bodies.

8. The main bad guy must A) have a beard and B) have an accent that faintly recalls Latin America, The Middle East, and Russia.

9. An ally of the action team, who provides a service but does not engage in combat, has to bark "Because you're the best of the best."

10. One of the heroes must outrun a fireball.

11. Wounded, one hero has to say "Go on without me!"

12. Stallone's veins must throb, as if magma courses through them.

13. One of the heroes has to yell "Get out of there, now!"

14. When a bad guy is shot, he shouldn't just fall down. His chest needs to explode into a mushroom cloud of wet, red confetti.

15. The plan must be crazy. So crazy, it just might work. Also: suicidal.