Wednesday, January 20, 2010

American Chi-Dol

There are a select group of women on this Earth, and this group includes Angelina Jolie, Scarlett Johanssen, Samson High School's Jennifer Lambert and Troy State grad and Alpha Gam Mandy Stewart, a group of beautiful women, a group of chicks that guys look at and just swoon.  This group is what I call the Jolie Group... women that I'm sure I should find extremely attractive and/or I should be totally attracted to, but for whatever reason, just aren't.  Now, I can't speak for Jolie or ScarJo, but I knew Jennifer Lambert to be extremely nice and yeah, she was quite pretty, and Mandy the Gam was gorgeous... but I never had a thing for 'em.  Most guys I know did.  Why do I even say all this? 

Because tonight's guest host, Shania Twain, is a card carrying Jolie Girl member.  She's pretty, I'll admit, but I have never was into her.  I knew guys in college, back in her major heyday of the early to mid-90s, that was just in absolute love (lust?) with Shania, but never me.  I was a Patty Loveless guy back then, and I'm more of a Dixie Chick, Lee Ann Womack & Pickles kinda guy now.  Yay Pickles!

Alrighty, Shania and Pickles aside...




Coming from Chicago, the opening shows several people walking out, using all sorts of fun words like "fudge" and "bassbowl" and "meaniehead" and "dorkyface" and such to describe the show and its judges. 

The obligatory shout out to He Who Must Not Be Re-Elected, something about how since he's the first African American President and he's from Chicago.  Whatever.  Hey, voters, how's that hope & change workin' out for you?

Gotta admit, she's getting better looking as she gets older... plus, I never said her music wasn't good.  Her songs are tchotsky, chinzy and cheesy... "Man, I Feel Like a Woman" and "Who's Bed Have Your Boots Been Under" and "(Don't Be Stupid) You Know I Love You" are all cheesypoof songs... but they are addicting.  Man, I feel like a woman!  Okay... I was singing there online, don't take it literal, okay?  Okay?  Okay.

Let's move on to Frizzy Haired Katelyn Epperly with a backstory.  Her parents are dealing with a divorce, and she's got it rough... she's singing "Syrup and Honey" by Duffy, an artist that I felt like should have been bigger based on the amount of acclaim and love she got from critics over the last few years... but wasn't. 

Frizzy Haired Katelyn Epperly did well, and she gets four yes votes.

Big Chick Amy Lang is a Broadway Girl, and she seems a little too perky to be successful on this show.  By that I mean, she's annoying.  She tells Ryan she had a dream about him, and said it ended "Good!"  Ryan seems a little freaked. 

And she's doing Aretha's "Dr. Feelgood".  She does this mock "pass out", leaving the judges shocked, and then leaps up and starts into murdering Aretha.   Then she does this "boob thing".   I don't even want to go into this... Simon says no.  Shania the Jolie Girl says no.  Randy the Dawg says no.  Kara the Hotness says no.  And somehow, I feel violated.

Here comes 16 year old Charity Vance, who lives in a house that also has a salon in it.  Her mom says, "We've been watching American Idol since she was 8 years old", which makes me feel really old, because I've been watching American Idol since I was 26.  She starts out with "Summertime", and though I'm not huge on the song, her voice is great! 

Simon really liked it, as did the other judges... and four yes votes sends her to Hollywood Week!  She goes on my "ones to watch" list.

Our first montage of terrible auditions comes up, with everything from accordian playing butch chicks to terrible costumes to screaming to a high pitched Hawaiian guy.   And outside, people are crying, discussing how much of a joke this show is, how the judges don't know talent and how we'll see all of them soon enough.

Mama:  Simon, how could you say such things to my daughter?
Simon: You didn't like what I said?
Mama:  Oh, hayl to tha' no!

Here's a backstory of a girl who auditioned in Season 7 and Season 8, having her father die in 7, and then having a traffic violation/court date in Season 8.  Wouldn't know anything about that. 

Angela Martin is doing "Just Fine" by Mary J. Blige, and at 28, this is her final shot.  You'll see this girl in the Semi-Finals.  Simon says, "you're really talented, you need a break, and your just good."  Kara the Hotness says she likes how Angela listens to the criticism and follows it.  Shania the Diva and Randy the Dawg agree.

Several others end up going to Hollywood as well, a total of 7 get the golden ticket.

In Day Two, a montage of people that have no shot of being the next American Idol screaming "I'm going to be the next American Idol".  Curley Newbern is singing something by Maxwell in such a high voice that there are dogs outside The Cabana that just keeled over, passed out.  I have no idea what the lyrics even were... imagine singing the line "fraahahhy hayd ajj ayd ahhay llao ahhda haaaaa".... yet, at a high pitched volume.  That would be Curley.

Alannah Halbert is torturing Whitney Houston's version of "I Will Always Love You".  The judges even try to give her the key to sing, and nothing happens, except Alannah keeps going, causing great pain and agony.  And she's not sure why they said no.

More contestants go in and come out without a golden ticket. 

Here's Brian Krause, a 27 year old guy who was in the military--he used to sing for the troops.  This is going to be bad.  Really bad.  He starts out singing Tiny Tim, again, butchering "Tiptoe Through the Tulips", his eyes rolling up in this head, his teeth bared, and everything was all wrong.  Everyone says no...

He's going to go relax his thoughts in a bubble bath--his words, not mine.

Harold Davis, from Chicago, shows up, sunshades, white fedora, he's gonna hold that perfect note, fight for the glory of being on the Idol... he's gonna shoot off like a rocket.  He also holds a note for at least 20 seconds.  "Nice and Slow" by Usher is the song he chooses to smack around.  He's also got a hip move thing going, staring at Kara the Hotness and Shania the Twain.  Harold says, "I just got some allergies, its my allergies and..." they cut him off and tell him no.  He hangs his head and starts crying.

Really?  Harold?  Seriously, be a man.  You're standing in front of Hot Kara and Shania Twain who every guy in the world, except me, thinks is one of the most beautiful chicks around... and you cry?  You need to turn in you Straight Card, poncho.

Chantelle Gransomethingorother tryies a Shania song... and its terrible.  "That Don't Impress Me Much" is played as they show contestants singing her music. 

John Park, an Asian fella, comes in, saying that he wants music to express who he is inside.  No matter how he expresses himself, he sounds great.  Shania says that John Park has a great body and a nice lips, and a nice tone.  Uh...

...and a nice voice.  She giggles like a little girl.  Kara, Randy and Simon all say yes as well.  

By the way... despite my lack of wunderlust at Ms. Twain, there is still no excuse for 1) Being Mutt Lange, her not-as-attractive-husband who Shania fell in love with and then all these years later, cheating on Shania and 2) Cheating on Shania with the lady he cheated on her with.  Put it this way... in the picture, one of these women is Shania Twain, an artist who sold over 70 million records, had a dozen number one hits, is loaded to the gills and is very, very beautiful  The other is Marie-Anne Thiebaud, who Mutt cheated with.

Oh, don't feel too bad for Shania... she hooked up with Frederic.  That's Frederic Thiebaud.  As in, was married to Marie-Anne before she cheated on him.   I'm going to spot you a buck and let you bet on who got the better end of this deal... Shania or Mutt.

Anyway... Paige Dechausse is coming up... and the words "...they said she had a 30 percent chance of surviving..." come into play.   She's 21, and she's got great, great hair.  Just sayin'.

As a kid she's had asthma, and almost died when she was 15 after an attack while singing.   The doctors said she might have brain damage... but here she is!  Cindy Jo is openly weeping right now.  "A Change is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke is her song of choice... and whether the judges do or not, I really like her.  Simon says no.  Kara and Shania say yes.  Its up to Randy the Dawg, and the chicks are begging him to say yes... and... and... and... and... Randy says yes. 

The Black Chris Sligh, also known as Justin Ray (listed as unemployed) and Bryan Adams imitator Bryan Semple and Marcus Jones doin' Edwin McCain all come up to try out... Bryan Adams 2 makes it.   Marcus makes it.  The Black Chris Sligh makes it too. 

Thirteen made it this time, from Chi-Town... here's who I'm going to watch for... Paige Dechausse, Angela Martin and Charity Vance

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