Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Thanks, Mario Kart

First... if you're on Facebook, and you aren't one of the 80 or so awesome people who have become fans of Clouds, then search Clouds in My Coffee on Facebook... and become a fan! And if you are on the regular page, on Blogspot, then consider becoming a follower... I mean, 51 million voted for He Who Must Not Be Re-Elected, and he's much more cult-like than I am! Ha!

Okay, okay, enough schilling about me... let's get to writing...

I don't do forwards. I've even told my kids at church that if they send me forwards after I warned them not to, they get cut from my address book. And I've cut a few out. That being said to, admittedly, there is some funny stuff out there that you want to share. In November 2006, I found a gem about what movies teach us, and had to share it with the world. Somewhere in the recesses of my laptop lies a document entitled "If I Were a Dark Overlord", which makes me roll everytime I read it.

But today, here's one I found on the Facebook page of my friend St. Francis. After doing a little Googling, I figured out its quite a list that has different variations and I'm not sure that anyone knows the source of it. Either way, its really, really funny. I cleaned it up for the audience, took out the ones that just weren't all that great, and here's what we have...

61 Thoughts That I Thought I Was the Only One Thinking...

1. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, tossing Q-tips into a bathroom trash can that’s right at their feet and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my anything that everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

2. It really hacks me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

3. I wonder if cops ever get mad at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

4. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

5. When I meet someone new, I’m terrified of mentioning something they haven’t already told me but that I have learned from some light Facebook stalking.

6. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

7. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

8. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

9. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

10. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. (I would like to think this isn't an issue... but just in case... Wookiee? Mikey? This means you)


11. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

12. How in the world are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

13. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

14. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

15. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

16. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option

17. Okay, okay… that’s enough, Nickelback.

18. I take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger

19. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do in fact know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

20. Do you remember when you were kids playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.


21. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

22. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the crap was going on when I first saw it. (This should be titled "The Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory Theory". Have you seen that movie recently? Holy crap, that movie is bizarre. I mean, really, its so weird, but when I was a kid, I didn't... wait...)

(where was I? Oh yeah..)

23. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.

24. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

25. Was learning cursive really necessary? (Does anyone else have this blend of cursive and print letters that they use in their handwriting? Like no one ever uses a cursive "s" or that weird "I", but I've been known to loop my "l" or have my "d" connect to the next letter in the word... anyone? Um...)

26. “LOL” has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say.”

27. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

28. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.


29. I think a cool name for a sports team, a good one at least, would be The Step-Dads. Even if none of the guys on the team are actual step-dads, when asked about it, you'd say, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.”

30. Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart” all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart.”

31. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

32. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

33. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies.”

34. If you told all of us 10 years ago that the word Google would not only become a mainstream word, but one that we would use as a proper noun AND a verb, would we have believed it, or called you an idiot? I think the latter.

35. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

36. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

37. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

38. Bad decisions make good stories. Even if your loving wife won't let you blog about them.

39. Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public, I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

40. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.


41. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from. This shouldn’t be a problem….

42. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

43. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

44. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

45. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this. Ever.

46. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. "I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?"

47. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? What the crap?!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

48. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

49. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

50. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…

51. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. (when I read this for the first time, I felt as if someone had been following me around making notes on my actions)

52. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.

53. Sheets. Sheets get dirty. Underwear. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

54. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

55. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

56. The other night I ordered takeout and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a big fat hog before dinner

57. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

58. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again

59. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

60. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

and finally... my favorite (and I think The Lovely Steph Leann's as well...)

61. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it. Thanks, Mario Kart.


  1. These are from Aaron Karo's Ruminations. He's a comedian who is really hilarious and sarcastic. Anyway - someone stole a bunch of them from a posting and they have been circulating email and facebook for weeks. He uses some pretty bad language and talks about random hook ups and alcohol, but his stuff is really funny. Check him out on Ruminations.com

  2. I just read this and giggled my way through it. You say what others are thinking about saying, but don't. Ha. Love it. I love your lists of randomness. Keep it up!


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