Monday, October 29, 2007

The Raw Diaries

Hey, I'm back! Its been over a week, and I was trying to figure out what to write about tonight, since the longer you go without blogging, the more likely you are to lose your regular readership, so...

Tonight... its The WWE Raw Running Diary! Thats right, the Monday Night Raw wrestling event, as it happens!

8:01... it just came on, as usually we're treated to an opening segment with big stars like Shawn Michaels & Randy Orton challenging each other, typically resulting in the main event being set... tonight?

8:03... the WWE Divas are coming out, one by one. Honestly, I'm not a fan of the Divas, cause they really aren't that good looking, and most are plenty fake. I'm a real guy. So, tonight, we have a Diva battle royal. The way a battle royal works is, you toss 'em over the top to eliminate them.

8:04... if I had a favorite, which I don't, but if I did, it would probably me Mickie James, only because she looks just dorky enough to be hot. No one will ever top Stacy Keibler. She's the Ashley Judd of the wrestling world, though Stacy retired years ago to pursue acting. How's she doing now? Well, have you heard of her, besides wrestling? Exactly.

8:07... this is stupid

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Stacy Keibler. Posted only for Michael's sake.

8:08... Kelly Kelly is the winner. And here comes the Women's Champion, Beth Phoenix, who is a flippin' horse. At least, with some of the Divas, I could consider them mildly attractive. With Beth Phoenix, there's nothing attractively redeeming about this chick. Dude. Whatever.

8:10... So, last night was CyberSunday, which was October's Pay-per-View.

For the uneducated, let me enlighten you. The WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) used to be WWF (World Wrestling Federation) until the enviromental group WWF ( World Wildlife Fund) sued to get the rights to the acronym WWF. They won, so the WWF I'm watching became the WWE.

Anyway, they used to do four pay-per-view events per year, which was SummerSlam (August), Survivor Series (November), Royal Rumble (January), and the big one, which is like WWE's Daytona 500 and Super Bowl and Paula Maddox's 42nd birthday party all rolled into one, WrestleMania.

Some years ago, they added more and more Pay-per-Views until there was one each month, with names like No Mercy, Vengeance, No Way Out, Great American Bash and so on. Think of a name that could have doubled for a Steven Seagal movie and chances are good that it is, or at least was at one time, a WWE monthly event.

Anyway, last night was CyberSunday, which is where the fans can go online and vote for the match participants.

8:16... and live, from Philadelphia, we're back! And here comes one of the all time greats, Shawn Michaels. He's in his early 40s by now, he made it big as half of The Rockers back in the early 90s with Marty Janetti, and he's been on his own for a decade or so. He recently came back from back surgery (his back as always been an issue with him), but the great thing about Michaels is, he's a Believer, and he even discusses it on the show sometimes. His language is always clean, he does nothing with the Divas (he has said he always wants to honor his wife), and his autobiography is pretty good.

8:19... Michaels signature move is "Sweet Chin Music", a roundhouse kick to the face, one that he's used on Randy Orton, the reigning WWE champion. Randy Orton is a bad guy, a "heel" as they call it in wrestling. Shawn Michaels is a "face", short for "babyface", which means a good guy. When Randy Orton turned to the bad side some odd years ago, he "turned heel".

8:20... Shawn Michaels is calling out Randy Orton, but here comes the theme music to Mr. McMahon, who is the chairman of the WWE. Vince McMahon, in his 60s, owns the WWE, inheriting it from his family back in the 80s, but inserted himself in the late 90s as a heel character, and has been awesome ever since.

8:22... I feel like I'm explaining Lost.

8:23... McMahon and Michaels actually don't really get along in real life, but McMahon knows how valuable Michaels is to the company, and so there's a respect there. Of course, in the ring right now, McMahon and Michaels are staring each other down, and McMahon is baiting him. Vince is tossing out Scripture, the "eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth" scripture to get Michaels to admit he wants revenge on Orton (who, in the WWE kicked him in the head and knocked him out of the league, but in real life, it was due to the back injury).

8:25pm... By the way, "eye for eye, tooth for tooth" isn't a "I'm doing what he did to me!" verse... it actually was written in the law to keep judges from being too leini...

8:26... Shawn Michaels just layed out Vince with Sweet Chin Music. Where was I? Yeah, to keep judges from being too light or to harsh on sentences. As in, don't execute someone for stealing some bread, but don't go easy on a murderer. Figured this out this weekend in Sunday Sch... er, Life Connection.

8:29... Just saw a commercial for "Just For Men Hair Color". Ya know, people have asked me before why I don't color my hair, since its about 1/4 to a 1/3 grey by now. First of all, I don't really care that much, since grey is not a bad thing. One some women it looks great too. One of my friends moms used to have a grey streak that looked really, really cool until she colored it. Anyway, if I colored my hair, there would be way too many people that would notice that my hair wasn't grey, then I'd have to answer for it. I just don't care that much.

8:31... The first real match, 30 minutes into the show, features Hardcore Holly tagging up with Cody Rhodes, son of the legendary American Dream Dusty Rhodes. Or, as Dusty would say it, Amewican Dweam Duthty Rhwodes. Anyway, Holly and Cody are teaming up against Charlie Haas & Shelton Benjamin.

More WWE/wrestling education. Haas and Benjamin are what they call "Jobbers". This means that they have names, they have characters, but they are really there now to win or lose matches based on whatever story line is going on. As in, they are supporting characters in the story line, but its not about them. Cody Rhodes is getting what they call "A Push", which means storylines are written in his favor to "push" him up the popularity chain for the fans. And, jobbers like Haas and Benjamin are "pushing him over", as in, agreeing to lose to him to make him seem better for fans. This make sense?

Like any other company, it gets real political... some jobbers don't like being jobbers, and some don't like pushing other wrestlers over. A great example of this was a few years ago when Hulk Hogan was at the end of his career in the WCW (World Championship Wrestling, a great faction that folded when the people who actually owned it didn't have a clue what they were doing). Hogan refused to "push over" anyone, which causes resentment and bitterness in the locker room. For anyone who thinks its ALL scripted, I give you the infamous Montreal Screwjob.

8:41... Yes, wrestling is fake. However, the injuries are real... like the injury to Candice Michelle last week, when she fell off the top rope, and pretty much landed on her neck. She actually broke her collar bone in two places. I think they're featuring the Divas more tonight, because tonight is the end of the "Diva Search", one of those fan vote things to determine... well, who the next Diva is. But, alas, no Stacy Keibler. Come back, Stacy.

8:45... An exchange between the tag team champs Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch. Unfortunately, there aren't any good tag teams now. Back in the day, we had The Rock & Roll Express, The Hart Foundation (Bret & Jim the Anvil), the British Bulldogs, Demolition (Ax and Smash. Crush didn't really exist), The Midnight Express, the Rockers, the Steiners, The Road Warriors (Hawk & Animal)... now? We have Cade and Murdoch. And thats it. No rivalries. Sad, really.

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The Hart Foundation, back when tag teams were really cool to root for

8:47... To describe a storyline, you'll hear the word "Angle". I say this only to tell you that I refuse to comment on the Hornswoggle angle, other than to say this is one of the worst angles ever. Ever. I can't write anymore.

8:53... Does anyone else think the burgers on those Hardees commercials look revolting?

8:54... For weeks, they've been showing this video clip with random bits of binary code, random numbers, a scripture from the book of Revelations and other fun stuff. The rumor is that Chris Jericho, also a Believer, is making his return. Jericho, or also called "Y2J", walked away two or three years ago to play music, act, appear in random "I Love the (fill in the decade)" Vh1 shows and so forth. It would be cool to see him come back.

8:55... Jonathan Coachmen is taking on Hornswoggle. Again, I refuse to comment.

8:56... however...

8:56... Mick Foley just came out as the "Special Guest Referee". Mick Foley, like Stone Cold Steve Austin, is a fan favorite, but due to serious injury, he's regulated to making appearances, doing well orchestrated, low impact wrestling moves and coming out as referees in matches I otherwise would not watch.

901... Hornswoggle wins, with the assistance of "Little Socko", courtesy of Special Guest Referee Mick Foley. Sigh. I won't say anything else about it.

902... Triple H is up now. This guy is so freakin' big... he's like, 320, 6'9... imagine Wookiee, but with long hair and nothing but muscles. He was one part of Degeneration X, along with Shawn Michaels, but he also was out since January (until August) with a knee injury. By the way, where to almost all the wrestlers comes for their orthoscopic surgeries and rehabs? Birmingham, Alabama, to Dr. James Andrews.

904... Triple H was originally called Hunter Hearst Helmsley, a character created to rival some other WCW...

...sidebar. To understand this statement, you have to know that from 1995 to 1999, there existed "The Monday Night Wars". It was WCW, which was on TBS and TNT cable channels, taking on WWE, on USA. For a while, WCW won the Monday Night Wars, with their premiere program, Monday Nitro, regularly beating WWF Monday Night Raw. But, as stated before, actual management, along with bad planning and terrible events and angles led to the utter demise of the WCW. I could go indepth in this, but won't for fear that right now, Alissa Kelly is yawning and about to go find something on Google. You can read about it here, which is actually a fascinating story of business, power and ego as much as it is wrestling.

...character that I don't remember. So, Hunter Hearst Helmsley was shortened to HHH, then to Triple H, and has been a dominate force since then. His theme music is Motorhead's "The Game", a kick guano song if there ever was one.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Here's some of the bigger stars of the WCW. On the left is Diamond Dallas Page, with Goldberg next to him. Goldberg was an animal, but again, was mismanaged. On the far right is then Booker T, one half of Harlem Heat, another great tag team, and the blond guy is Scott Steiner, or Big Poppa Pump, one half of the Steiner Brothers. He was also awesome... on steriods, but still. In the middle is the superstar of the WCW, Sting. Sting, also a Believer, refused to sign with the WWE after the WCW folded (even though everyone else in this picture did at one time or another). Sting said that he didn't like how raunchy WWE had become, and citing his beliefs and family, he walked away. WWE has since toned down their content in the last few years, which is why I started watching it again.

9:08... Paul London and some other guy that I can't remember are taking on Cade & Murdoch. I think they are trying to push London and the other guy... Brian Kendrick... but its not working because no one cares. Earlier, Cade and Murdoch were actually arguing, so its a possible "break up" angle, but again, no one cares.

912... And here comes The Highlanders, a face team when they first came in, and they were terrible... however, they turned heel over the summer, and they're actually a fun team to watch. They are still terrible, but a fun terrible.

916... Just saw the trailer for "The Mist", based on the Stephen King short story. An excellent story, by the way... the movie almost looks a little hokey, but its directed by Frank Darabont, who did both "The Green Mile" and "The Shawshank Redemption", which, along with "Misery" are the finest King movie adaptations. I'm intrigued.

918... Jeff Hardy, the current Intercontinental Champion, enters the ring. This guy is so all over the place... flying through the air, acrobatic, talented. He's being teamed with DH Smith, who is the son of the late Davey Boy Smith, one of my all time favorites, of the aforementioned British Bulldogs. So DH is getting a push too. They'll be taking on Carlito, who really had a chance to be big, but it didnt seem like he was angled very well. Carlito is joined by Mr. Kennedy, who I can't help but like. He usually does this microphone thing where he yells "Miiiiiiissttteeeerrrr Keeennnnaaaadddddeeeeeeeee!!!!" Its kinda cool.

922... Not having anything to do with Kennedy, Hardy, Carlito or DH Smith, but I'm wondering if they'll reunite Shawn Michaels and Triple H? Triple H is one the bad end of a 1-on-2 handicap match, taking on not only Randy Orton but also the Samoan Bulldozer, Umaga. Michaels and HHH, being the former Degeneration X before one, then the other got hurt, would be a great tag team again. Of course, they could feud, especially if one of them wins the championship.

930... The Lovely Steph Leann just came home from her Creative Memories meeting. Did you know its more than just pasting pictures in a book? There are dozens of ways to preserve your memories, including digital options, and digital scrapbooks! Makes great gifts for Christmas, and its a great hobby and lifestyle to dive into! Just click here for more information!

932... This is actually not a bad match. Lots of techinical wrestling, and by that, I mean actual moves and holds and such, not just flips and slams. Of course, Jeff Hardy just laid Carlito out using the Swanton Bomb, which has Hardy leaping from the top rope, flying through the air, doing a flip and landing with the upper back slamming into the head of the opponent.

938... Here comes one of the worst characters ever, Santino Morella. I liken this guy to Doink the Clown from the 90s. This guy is that bad, seriously. What's worse is that he's joined by Maria, supposedly good looking because she's a Diva, but she looks like she swallowed about six Atomic Fireball Sour Candies.

943... And its good that the Lovely Steph Leann is home... the winner of the Diva Search is next!

950... Eve wins it. Steph Leann was pulling for Brooke, I know, but Eve is the winner. Brooke actually looked better, I must admit.

951... Another mysterious code video.

952... Here comes the WWE champ Randy Orton.

sidebar... there are only a few belts in the WWE, the WWE Championship (Randy Orton), which is on Raw, the WWE World Championship (currently held by Batista) which is prominent on WWE"s other show, SmackDown! on Friday nights. The ECW on Tuesday night, also owned by WWE, has the ECW title belt. Each show, SmackDown!, Raw, and ECW, also called "Brands" has a title belt and a tag team belt.

One of the issues with WCW was the fact they had, from the best I remember, a WCW title, a World title, a World Tag Team title, a United States Tag Team title, a Cruiserweight title, a United States Title, a TV Title, a North American title... and this is on ONE show. And the belts changed hands in what seemed like every week, so no one knew who was what champion. One of the things I've liked about the WWE lately is that you keep a belt for a while. John Cena was the champion for the better part of three years, only giving up the belt due to a major shoulder injury that he ended up having surgery on (in Birmingham, by Dr James Andrews!) a few weeks ago.

Why the brands, and not just one big show? Well, its allows more superstars to be superstars, instead of all of them fighting on one show. They do interchange brands some times, as in, you'll see Rey Mysterio from SmackDown! take on someone from ECW on Monday Night Raw, but typically they are seperate. You do see all of them in the pay-per-views, though.

958... Its Umaga! His real name is Eddie Fatua, or something like that, but Umaga is this big, fat, face painted dude from "Samoa" who yells and screams alot, and has a finishing move called "The Samoan Spike", which causes him to ram his thumb into someones throat.

959... TIME TO PLAY THE GAME!!!!!! I am the game, you don't wanna play me, I am control, no way you can change me, I am your debts, no way you can pay me, I am the pain, and I know you can't take me... I am the Game and I want to play....

1001... Its The King of Kings... The Game... Triple H. Yeah, I kinda had an issue with "The King of Kings" too, but I figure if Christ Follower Shawn Michaels can deal with it, then I can too.

1002... HHH's signature move is called The Pedigree, and its slamming a guy's head, face down, between your knees, folding his arms behind his back, and picking him up and slamming him down back first. So, now, Umaga is taking it to HHH, while Orton circles and stomps. Of course, though, its the end of the show, so something will happen. This won't end just by a pin fall.

1003... SHAWN MICHAELS!! I KNEW IT!!! HBK is here!! (that's "The Heartbreak Kid", by the way). HHH and Michaels!!!! Michaels cleared the ring, Umaga tossed out, Orton tossed out....

1005... The parting shot has Mr. McMahon saying next Monday night, one night only, the return of Degeneration X.

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Triple HHH in back, Shawn Michaels in the front, its DX.

1008... Alright, thats enough for one night. Green Bay is leading Denver 13-10 in the 4th, I have to pee, and this blog has gone on long enough. Good night kids.

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