Wednesday, May 23, 2007

The Plausibly Live American Idol Finale Running Diary

Just like last year's blog, I've got a running diary for the finale of American Idol...

940pm... Alrighty, Steph and I had to go to church for a meeting earlier. Then we went to Taco Casa, and over to Breuster's Ice Cream for dessert. Somehow, we managed to not find out who the Idol winner is... we've had an American Idol winner now for 41 minutes, but I don't know who it is... so roll the tape!

941pm... Teri Hatcher's in the hizzy... she's hot. Not too far under Ashley Judd for "goddess" status. And there's Jeff Foxworthy. Definately much, much farther down the list.

942pm... Blake and Jordin singing "I Saw Him/Her Standin' There". The version done by Tiffany back in 1989 spent about four weeks at the #1 spot on Dave's Favorite Song list. Jordin dwarfs Blake. Oh, and by the way, I have to open the store in the morning, so there will be lots of fast forwarding tonight.

943pm... Gwen Stefani, via satellite, singing her new single "Four in the Morning". From the neck up, she looks fabulous. Her outfit? Steph: "Why would you want to wear that?". She whispers it, as if Gwen is in the next room and might be offended.

946pm... Well, heck, its The Hot Girl Parade tonight... Teri, Gwen, Steph's in the room here, and now Kelly Clarkson busting out with her new song "Never Again." I'm sensing that all of these artists agreed to come on earlier in the season to be able to perform in the season finale, watched by like, 160 million people.

948pm... Apparently, the Matrix is going on on the screen behind her. Binary codes dropping like crazy. Kelly seems bitter. This is her Now.

950pm... Here comes a great segment, when Ryan totally makes fun of the bad idols. Like Panther. And now they've added sound effects. None of which helps his singing.

950pm... Oh, its the fat chick cowboy who sounds like she's... well, enjoying herself. And there's the chick in yellow. The big chick from... you guessed it, Birmingham. Good times. Holy crap, she's in the audience. With the yellow outfit. And fur. And wig. And she just kissed Ryan Seacrest. I think I just threw up in my mouth. So did Ryan.

952pm... Random celebrity sightings: Michael Chiklis and Jerry Springer and David Alan Grier.

954pm... Here comes the Top 6 Guys, including... yes, Sanjaya. There's C-Rich, Sligh, Brandon Rogers, Phil Stacey, Blake and Sanjaya. And now introducing... Smokey Robinson. Looking (and moving) like he's 142 years old. He's singing "Be With You", which Steph likes (so I can't fast forward) but we agree on one thing... he beats Barry Gibb.

1001pm... Blake is now performing with one Doug E. Fresh, legendary rapper and beatboxer. Steph says "So, is the fresh guy a big deal now?" Yeah about 18 years ago. I forget the guy in the back doing the turntables. He used to be a big deal too.

1004pm... More "Golden Idol" recap moments. Oh, is Nicholas Zittsman... he did the Righteous Brothers, with the big eyes and weird teeth. And now its Sandy Chevez, singing something that we haven't a clue what it is. And Sholandric something... murdering Peabo Bryson. And for best vocal, its Sholandric something. I was rooting for The Zitts, man.

1007pm... Here come the Top 6 Chicks, including Jordin, my girl Gina, and Steph Edwards, Mindy Doo, LaKisha and Haley, with the shortest dress up there. And here comes Gladys Knight, sans Pips.

1009pm... I'm sure Mindy Doo and LaKisha, perhaps even Jordin is honored to be singing with Gladys Knight. Whatcha wanna bet Haley didn't even know who she was.

1012pm... Ah, its David Hasselhoff. He has a book out called "Don't Hassell the Hoff". No joke. I wonder if he's going to cry over McPhee tonight. And look, its Gollu... er, I mean, Constantine. Steph: "He probably doesn't have anything else to do"

1013pm... Fast forwarding through Tony Bennett. Yeah, legend, star, blah blah, its late. Fast forward. Oscar Winner Jennifer Hudson in the hizzy.

1015pm... "Best Buddies" in the Golden Idol Awards. There's big guy and the bush baby. And here's Amanda and Antonella. And more gay jokes from Simon and Ryan.

1018pm... Its not right to make fun of retarded people. Its not right to make fun of retarded people. Its not right to make fun of retarded people. Its not right to make fun of retarded people. Its not right to make fun of retarded people. Its not right to make fun of reta...

1019pm... Mindy Doo is now singing with B.B. and D.D. and R.R. and L.L. and S.S. Winans

1023pm... Ryan presents Jordin and Blake each with a brand new Mustang. And now its Carrie Underwood, whom I like very much, singing a great version of "I'll Stand By You", which was feature on Idols Give Back a few weeks ago and now has been released as a single. Steph: "So that's who that was singing that on the radio. I would have liked to have heard that other song [meaning "Before He Cheats"] She has a very bizarre top on."

1025pm... I've seen David Alan Grier three times already. He must have a new show coming up. And this corpse being wheeled onstage is Clive Davis, mentioning how Daughtry has dominated the charts over all the other Idols, and pretty much everyone else so far this year. He even mentions how McPhee and Taylor Hicks may do better, but Daughtry is killin' 'em all.

1029pm... Clive is giving special recognition to Carrie Underwood for selling 6 million copies of her very good CD. Factor 7 has almost sold that many. Steph: "That's just a totally whacked out outfit."

1033pm... A funny little segment about Sanjaya, leading up to him onstage with Aerosmith's Joe Perry. Some things shouldn't be allowed. So, here's what I envisioned a few weeks ago:

Nigel, AI Producer: Hey Joe, we'd like you to come and perform
Joe Perry: Really? That would be great. With who?
Nigel: Well we want to put you onstage to rock out, to jam, like you do in Aerosmith.
Joe Perry: Cool! (hangs up phone) Hey Steven! I'm going on American Idol. Maybe I can jam with Blake!

If only he knew.

1035pm... That song was terrible, and it even had the crying girl in the audience. Joe, walking back stage: "That sucked. I'm going to kill my agent for that.

1036pm... Its Green Day. They were totally overrated until they did that anti-Bush, anti-American stuff. Now the media loves them.

1038pm... Ah, Taylor Hicks comes out. Has there ever been anyone who became so relevant, and then so irrelevent so fast? Steph says "I would say that's more true about Bo Bice". Totally agree.

1040pm... We've covered 90 minutes of the show in an hour. Go us! Hey, its Ruuuuuben and Jordin busting out some Tammi Terrell & Marvin Gaye, with "You're All I Need (to get by)". Its getting shorter between commercials... you know we're closer to the end!

1044pm... Bette Midler. Singing "Wind Beneath My Wings". Horribly. Paula and Randy are dancing. Horribly. Already had a random Brad Garrett sighting. And Jerry Springer is pulling a Hasselhoff and crying, even before the ending.

1046pm... Joe Perry gets redeemed, jamming with Kelly Clarkson--who you can bet does NOT want to be here tonight. Whether its contract (which you would think have expired by now) or guilt, she's here. This is a "Sgt Pepper" tribute. Here's Taylor Hicks again. And Carrie Underwood in a much better looking dress. And Ruben Studdard, whom God did not design to sing Beatles songs. And here's Sligh and Gina and the rest.

1053pm... Ryan has the votes in his hand. Randy predicts Jordin. Paula tosses sunshine. Simon predicts Jordin. I pick Jordin. So does Steph. Here we go.

1054pm... and... the winner of American Idol is...

1055pm... the tape is only two hours long. It just stopped. No kidding.

1057pm... Jordin Sparks is your winner. Apparently, God watches out for us, because she sang "This is My Now" again, and we didnt have to hear it. Yay God!

Okay... the bed is my now.

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