Its hard sometimes, being in my job. Not only that, its hard sometimes to know what to say about my job. Normally, I could journal in a book to my hearts content, discussing issues and problems and various other things that no one would ever see. Here, however, its the open media. Say the wrong thing, type the wrong words, post it and the world is your audience.
Now, on "Clouds On My Coffee", here, I'm not so arrogant to assume that anything I say will be picked up by the wrong person, but the same blog is posted onto MySpace and onto Facebook. So, I'll spend the next few minutes typing just my thoughts and frustrations, and then at 7pm, start a new post for the American Idol finale.
I got a call today from our District Manager. I'm not the manager at Cahaba Heights, and won't become so when the current manager leaves in June. Was I angling for it? Yes. Would I like the store? Most definately. Does it destroy me that I didn't get it? Not necessarily... what is killing me, though, is that I'm not sure what to do now.
The job of ASM traditionally is about a year or less, really just to train to become a manager. I've been an ASM for 13 months now. I was told earlier who the new manager for the store will be, and it almost made me laugh... I was over her a year ago, as an ASM, and now she becomes my boss. And this makes the second time I've been "passed over" for a store.
Part of me feels like I've been given a raw deal on a few instances, but truly, I can blame everyone and no one at the same time. Its my fault, but then it isn't.
It's a heckuva thing, huh?
Starbucks is all I know. At this point in my life, its almost all I know to do. If I left the company, I don't even know where I would go. And I dont mean that I would start applying for other positions, I mean that I don't even know where I would apply.
Bottom line is, its a pride thing as much as it is job insecurity. I'll be 32 this summer, and here I am vying for a job I know I can do but not been given the opportunity to do it. I know of managers that fix the numbers a wee bit to look good, I know of managers that no one in the store likes, I know of managers that... well, make me think "How the heck did you get this job?". And I'm not given the chance to try at it. A little maddening, really.
Now, in addition to the question "When you gonna get a store?", I've now got to answer the question "Why didn't you get Cahaba Heights?". (If you see me, please don't ask me those questions. I grow tired of those questions, and am just too nice to not answer... truth is, I don't want to lie to you, and I don't want to answer them.)
Of course, I'm sure there are things that I'm just not doing right. My guess is there are a few red flags that have popped up that given the decision making gurus pause when thinking of me running a Starbucks.
Anyway, I spent the afternoon feeling sorry for myself, feeling worthless, feeling like I have no talent whatsoever... so, I've got my sorry-time in, I'll pack up and move on. I was watching "Follow That Bird", the 1985 Sesame Street magnum opus featuring Big Bird getting shipped to Illinois and walking back to his home (which is in New York--did you know that?) and the subsequent search for said Bird by all of his friends, including Bert, Ernie, Super Grover, The Grouch and his human buddies.
Anyway, Waylon Jennings appeared in a cameo as a turkey truck driver, and they ended up singing a great little ditty about moving on, and following your beak. Had to laugh. It was as if God Himself had given me that little song at that moment.
So, God... tell me what to do. You have a plan for me. You promised me, in Jeremiah, that You do. Is Starbucks what You want from me? If so, I'm gonna need some help here. If it's not, then... well, I'm gonna need some help here too. I praise You, because I know all things are done for the good of those who love You (like me and Steph) and for Your Glory. Thank you for being awesome.
Still... it's a heckuva thing, huh?