FIRST... Blogger has taken a dive.. the formatting is horrible, there are triple spaces all of a sudden, and its a clusterpoop. Plus, pictures cannot be uploaded. Which sucks. So please bear with me as I do my thing...
Welcome to the 2014 Golden Globes! Every year, I like to "live blog" three events--The Golden Globes, the Super Bowl and the Academy Awards... time for jokes, time for recaps, predictions, and so on...
In tow are Campbell Isaiah, wreaking havoc throughout the homeland, be it pulling diapers out of a box and tossing them, or attempting to slap the tv over the Great Wall of Campbell fence we've put up around the room... and The Lovely Steph Leann, on the couch, ready to offer her wisdom, her wit, her incredible insight... like these gems, dished out during the red carpet show:
"Jennifer Lawerence's dress is not good. Its white, but its too dark."
"Paula Patton is not attractive."
"What is Julia Roberts wearing?! That's horrible!" (the interviewer compliments Julia on how great the dress is) "Its not great! It's hideous!"
That's right. All of this and more over the next few hours... if you want to keep up, I'll be putting new updates at the bottom, so you'll need to scroll.
655p... Amy Adams is here. Amy Adams, whom I'm in love with.
655p... I comment about how much taller Tracy Pollen is than her husband, Michael J. Fox. The Lovely Steph Leann says, "Its probably due to her heels and his condition."
Thanks for keeping it real. There goes the jokes.
7p... Its the 71st Annual Golden Globe Awards! Campbell Isaiah just pooped, and Tina Fey and Amy Poehler take the stage for hosting duties! Doody. Ha!!
7p... Tina: Tina & Amy's Lee Daniels' The Butler's Golden Globe Awards!
702p... And here comes the zingers to the stars... the part that people love...
702p... Matt Damon is here, from "Behind the Candelabra", a movie so gay, RuPaul watched it and said, "That's a bit much..."
704p... Tina: The original title of American Hustle was "Explosion at the Wig Factory"... if you have seen that movie, you'll laugh heartily.
705p... Julia Louis-Dreyfus, sucking on a Blu e-cig...
706p... The house just blew up at Tina saying: Gravity... a movie that shows you that George Clooney would rather float into space than spend one more minute than a woman his own age... (camera pans for George, who is obviously not there)
707p... Movies that used prosthetic genitals: Wolf of Wall Street... Saving Mr. Banks... (Tom Hanks laughs uncomfortably with a "what the...?" look on his face)
709... Just a side note, Tina Fey looks better than she ever has at this exact moment. Ravishing.
FIRST AWARD OF THE NIGHT
710P... Sandy Bullock and Tom Hanks come up to give out the first award of the night... Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture... the Golden Globe goes to Jennifer Lawrence in American Hustle!!
711p... Jen Lawrence is going to become our Meryl Streep of the next generation. I call it now
713p... Jen Lawrence gives a sweet, nerve filled speech... why is she so nervous? She knew this might happen. A 1 in 5 chance! And now..
713p... Mila Kunis and Channing Tatum for Best Supporting Actress for TV Movie/Series... which features a bunch of chicks in shows I've never seen...
714p... Jacqueline Bisset wins as the Globes go old school... for a movie I've never heard of.
716p... Bisset not only gets lost on stage, but takes several seconds to fight back tears to give her speech... The Lovely Steph Leann: She's gonna make me cry! (and she wipes her eyes)
717p... This is one of those speeches where the conductor says, "Hey... give her a few extra seconds before you play her off..." Especially when the audio goes out, while Bisset uses some choice words... standing ovation from the audience. Band moved beyond slow music, to commercial bumper music
722p... Glad Jennifer Lawrence didn't fall up the steps this year... that would seem somewhat staged
722p... Mark Ruffalo and Naomi Watts are out for Best TV Movie or Mini-Series. In Gay Hollywood, do you think Behind the Candelabra would NOT win?
724p... Its everything Hollywood loves. Two great actors portraying gay men daring to show gay sex on screen.
725p... Good thing is, this is the last award show that Behind will be nominated for... so now I never, ever have to see it. We can put it...behind us.
726p... Elisabeth Moss wins for Best Actress in a Movie or Mini Series in "Top of the Lake", whatever the heck that was... audio goes out as Liz Moss mouths "Oh s***"
728p... Can no one give a speech? Everybody is all nervous... I mean, If I was cast as "pool boy" in "Little Man 2", I would still practice my award speech, on the off chance, just in case...
728p... Matt Damon comes out to introduce "Captain Phillips", which I'm hearing is fantastic...
730p... Do we think the Somali actors will end up like the Mexican crewman at the end of "Bowfinger"?
734p... Its not a party unless the Hollywood Foreign Press President comes out and makes his speech...
736p... Jonah Hill and the hot chick from "The Wolf of Wall Street" come out to introduce their movie, but have a blank stare, because, as Jonah says, "No joke, the teleprompter says Aaron Eckhart and Paula Patton... this is not our stuff..."
737p... In other news, Hollywood producers are looking for a new teleprompter operator
738p... Here comes Aaron and Paula (The Lovely Steph Leann: Yep. Her dress is so terrible). Best Actor TV Drama award is up. "Breaking Bad" had a huge final episode that was much loved and watched... so how you could vote against Bryan Cranston
740p... So, I've worked a teleprompter, in loading, operation and scrolling... its not that hard.
741p... Best TV Series Drama...Breaking Bad.
747p... John C. Reilly is narrating a TurboTax commercial. If Morgan Freeman isn't available to narrate my funeral, consider JCR.
748p... Steve Coogan and Philomena Lee... spelling? She's the actual person that the Dame Judy Dench played in "Philomena". Another nominee for Best Picture, Drama.
749p... Usher! Kate Beckensale! Diddy! Best Score in a Motion Picture. "All Is Lost" wins the award, which might be its only trophy tonight...
751p... What you didn't hear: Diddy whispering to the winner "Hey, I'm sampling all your stuff, I refuse to write my own."
753p... Usher, Diddy and Kate for Best Song... can we just say we ALL want Let it Go to win?
754p... Bono is the only one who can beat Let It Go... and I'm still not even sure what movie this is from.
The Lovely Steph Leann: I saw The Edge. I knew they were up for something.
Hearing The Lovely Steph Leann just talking about The Edge makes me laugh.
755p... Mandela + Mandela's death + Bono = Hollywood has to vote for them.
WITHOUT PICTURES, ITS NOT THE SAME... BLOGGER YOU SUCK RIGHT NOW. THANK YOU. END RANT.
802p... Amber Heard, her 9 inch high hair, and two dudes... Best Supporting Actor MiniSeries/Movie/Series... And Jon Voight gets the award for his part in Ray Donovan.
804p... Ray Donovan makes about 4,988 shows mentioned tonight that I've never seen.
804p... Olivia Wilde comes out to present "Her", a nominee for Best Picture Comedy/Musical.
806p... Robert Downey Jr comes on stage.
806p... In unrelated news, The Lovely Steph Leann just started paying even more attention. Best Actress Comedy Musical... Winner?
I LOVE AMY ADAMS I LOVE AMY ADAMS I LOVE AMY ADAMS
Okay, I'm good.
807p... Amy Adams is my Hollywood Girlfriend. We're pretty serious. We double with The Lovely Steph Leann and Colin Firth sometimes.
814p... Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgewick! Kevin: We were wrangling for someone here we were connected to....
816p... Best Actress TV Drama goes to... Robin Wright, House of Cards!
818p... GASP from The Lovely Steph Leann. I look up. She says, "The tape on Robin's boob was showing!!" Then she gets up to peel Campbell Isaiah from scaling the vacuum cleaner and licking the brush. She's so multi-talented.
819p... Jim Carrey comes out now, probably not to present Kick A** 2. He was actually funnier here than his last four films combined. (his last 4 films: KA2... The Incredible Burt Wonderstone... Mr. Popper's Penguins... A Christmas Carol... I rest my case)
821p... Best Supporting Actor Motion Picture, presented by Christoph Waltz... and Gay Hollywood strikes again, giving it to Jared Leto, for his portrayal of a cross dressing transgender in Dallas Buyers Club.
823p... The Lovely Steph Leann: He was in My So Called Life. That's all I got.
826p... Applebees wants me to not only send pics of myself dancing to their food, but #BeeFamous. Um. No. You are not that cool, Applebees.
827p... Emma Thompson takes the stage... carrying her drink and her shoes... ha! Nominees for Best Screenplay... and the winner is... Spike Jonze for "Her"... and I'm happy about that... that's easily the most original story of the year.
830p... Spike Jonze, the new hubby on the couch in Moneyball, when Billy Beane (Brad Pitt) is visiting his ex (Robin Wright)
831p... Laura Dern is out now to present the film her dad, Bruce, is in, "Nebraska"... its in black and white, and I've heard its unbelievably good, with Will Forte just as good as Bruce Dern.
833p... Julie Bowen and Seth Myers out to give out Best Actor TV Series Comedy/Musical... and winner? I just said "It would be awesome to see Andy Samberg get a Golden Globe..." AND HE DOES
834p... This is Golden Globes way of saying "Suck it Oscar. Give your award to some old guy... Andy Samberg gets our award..."
837p... Muppets Most Wanted just showed one of the best, most timely trailers I've ever seen.
840p... Zoe Saldana and Orlando Bloom. Best Foreign Film. Some movie I've never heard of, will never see and will forget about as soon as this show is over just won.
843p... Banter between Tina Fey, Amy and Julia Louis-Dreyfus is very funny...
845p... Jimmy Fallon and Melissa McCarthy out, being funny... Best Actor in TV Movie/Mini Series.
846p... Michael Douglas, for Behind the Candelabra. Gay always wins.
852p... Chris Pine and Hermione Granger... Let's give this to Frozen and be done with it. The winner is? Frozen. As it should be.
854p... Colin Farrell comes out, and could be drunk. Actually, I'm shocked that he's not. Here's "Inside Llewyn Davis"
855p... Best Actress TV Series Comedy... They show Lena Dunham. She is dressed. I'm shocked again. Winner? Amy Poehler for Parks & Rec... and she makes out with Bono before she hits the stage.
858p... My friend Mikey would have done the same thing
902p... Emma Stone, who has a huge range of "Not so much" to "Ohmahgah she's beautiful"... thankfully, its the latter tonight.
903p... Woody Allen gets the Cecil B. DeMille Award for Being A Famous Guy. I've never been a Woody Allen fan. Time to give Campbell Isaiah a bath.
912p... If you are too pompous to show up for an award because you think they are silly or you are too good for them, then you don't get an award. Woody Allen is a wanker.
915p... Liam Neeson is out... "I have a special set of skills that allows me to present Gravity..."
916p... Ben Affleck is out now for Best Director... a tough year, too... winner is.... Alfonso Cuaron for Gravity... probably a make-do for not winning it for Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Azkaban
917p... Tina Fey digs on Michael Bay, then invites Uma Thurman and Chris Evans out for Best TV Series Comedy... Brooklyn Nine Nine, the Andy Samberg led series. Never seen it, but I like this award!
924p... Commercial now for "Chicago PD", a new show on ABC.... a character just uttered the line "we do things my way..." At least they are original.
926p... Jennifer Lawrence for Best Actor in Comedy/Musical... and the winner is Leonardo DiCaprio for The Wolf of Wall Street... wow. WOW. Did not see that coming... and now it makes me wonder what his Oscar chances will look like from here on out...
929p... Reese Witherspoon comes out to present "12 Years a Slave". I'm afraid to make any jokes here.
BLOGGER YOU STILL SUCK JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT BLOGGER MORE LIKE... SLOGGER HAHA END RANT
935p... Chris Hemworth, AKA, Thor, and an old guy who drove cars in races come out, obviously to introduce "Rush", which is strange to me, because the Hollywood Foreign Press might be the only people who actually liked "Rush"
936p... Or have actually seen more than a few minutes of "Brooklyn Nine Nine"
937p... Drew Barrymore, my first "favorite bad girl" from the early 90s... she's here to hand out Beset Musical/Comedy... If American Hustle or Her took this, I wouldn't be sad... though I vote for the former, as it would have a better shot at winning the Oscar...
938p... American Hustle! Hustle! HUSTLE!
938p... Is this the first Best Picture for Comedy or Musical winner that is neither a Comedy or a Musical?
944p... Why can't Tina Fey and Amy Poehler just give out all the awards... and the screen just went black? Did someone do something bad when Leo DiCaprio came out?
945p... Best Actress Movie Drama... the winner is... Cate Blanchett for "Blue Jasmine"... its a Woody Allen film, but I've heard its one of his best in decades...
946p... When Tina Fey made that joke about a supermodel's vajayjay, did it break NBC? Did anyone else see that?
948p... Jessica Chastain comes out... perhaps the most beautiful looking of the night (besides Amy Adams, natch)... Best Actor Movie Drama
949p... Matthew McConaughy gets the award for Dallas Buyers Club! Dave Wooderson got a Golden Globe!!
956p... The star of "Transcendence"! Johnny Depp! (not the star of The Lone Ranger, huh?) Best Motion Picture Drama... and the winner is... not Johnny Depp, who looks like he Does.not.want.to.be.there...
957p... 12 Years a Slave wins the award for Best Picture. Not seen it, but I do want to. It strikes me as the kind of movie that I'll see once and never again. Like Passion of the Christ, or Blackhawk Down or Friday After Next. Just too powerful to get through twice.
10p... Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Scarlett Johanssen as Samantha in Her should just be hosts for everything.
10p... And, that's all she wrote... thanks to everyone who paid attention, who checked back, and who kept reading... onto the Oscars!
(ps.. I will totally fix this formatting later...)
(11,335 words so far... 8,665 words left for #20KWordsinJan)