Wednesday, January 08, 2014

movies of 2103... the worst

TEASER... Sunday night, join me online on Twitter @davedollar and here on the blog for the Golden Globe Running Diary

TEASER... American Idol starts next week... we skipped last year #BecauseMinaj and #BecauseMariah, but with Harry Connick, Jr, the returning J-Lo and the returning keith urban (and no Randy the Dawg), I'll be back giving you an episode-by-episode recap!

Bookmark this site so you dont miss anything I have to say, cause let's face it, while what I have to say really isn't that important, its mildly entertaining somewhat.  And sort of.  Maybe?  Yeah!

Ok... onto The Movies!!

And due to blogger being stupid, no pictures for you, unfortunately...

My goal for 2013 was to watch 100 films that I had never seen before. Theatrical releases, with very little exception (otherwise I could plant myself in front of Lifetime Movie Channel and watch 6 movies in a row about women empowerment all starring Judith Light or Valerie Harper, sometimes both...)

Now, not all of these movies were released in 2013... in fact, most of them weren't, but I wanted to give you my list of movies for my own archival purposes, but also for that "here's what I thought, in case you wanted to know if it was good or not" purposes...

So over the next few days, I'm going to give you the entire list... later this week, you'll get the best films I watched in 2013, both movies from 2013 and movies released pre-2013... and also, the movies "in the middle", not the best, nor the worst, but some that deserve attention.

But today, let's kick off our 2013 Movie Watching Recap with the ten worst films I watched in 2013:


Beasts of the Southern Wild (2012)... This isn't a bad movie, not all. In fact, its quirky, its decent, its amusing here and there... so why is it here? Because this movie got a boat load of attention in late 2011, for the '12 Oscar season, on how great it was, and how great the lead, young Quvenzhane Wallis was, and on and on. This films is decent, but nowhere near worth the hype. I have my theories that most people didn't love it as much as they say they did, they felt compelled to sing its praises for political reasons... you get me.  Review here.

Madea's Witness Protection (2012)... Yes. This is as bad as you think it would be. Worse, even. My first Tyler Perry movie, and it might be my last. We can only hope.

And here is THE BOTTOM TEN...

10... Blitz (2011)... Jason Statham in a mess of a film about a tough cop (is there any other kind when its Statham in the role?) chasing a serial killer who targets police officers and it doesn't matter. Hard to understand because of the thick British accents, hard to care because of the loose plot.

9... Red Dawn (2012)... Being a fan of the guilty pleasure that is the original Red Dawn, this one doesn't even come close. Trade the Russians with the North Koreans as your enemies, that's fair enough, but Chris Hemsworth, Isabel Lucas, Josh Hutcherson and Adrianne Palicki are poor imitations of Patrick Swayze, C. Thomas Howell, Lea Thompson and Jennifer Grey.

8... Spring Breakers (2013)... This movie is terrible. The best thing about it is James Franco, who dives into his role as a sleazeball pimp-type dude named Alien. The only other sorta good thing about is Selena Gomez, who disappears halfway through the film. Oh, and wrestler Jeff Jarrett makes an appearance as a youth pastor. 

7... Meatballs Part II (1984)... What a travesty... one of the characters is an alien, and not the character Alien from the above "Spring Breakers". No, an actual alien, with eyes that glow. Which is a dude in a clunky costume. Don't even ask me why I saw this... I was probably holding a sleeping baby with a remote across the room.

6.. Piranha 3DD (2012)... So the fun in the first film, "Piranha 3D" was that it was so random, so ridiculous and such a great bad film (Elisabeth Shue helps) Its like, everything they did to make the first one fun they purposely made sure not to do in this one. The cast--Ving Rhames, Hasselhoff, David Koechner, Chris Lloyd--is totally wasted in this piece of crap.  Here's all I could say about it in my online review:  Run. Run from this movie. If someone holds a gun to your head, then take the bullet and hope for the best. Just sayin'.

5... Hansel & Gretel: Vampire Hunters (2013)... I enjoy Jeremy Renner, especially in The Avengers and most recently, in American Hustle, and I like Gemma Arterton, former Bond girl. I also am a fan of Famke Janssen, cause she's a looker, and played Jean Grey in the X-Men films. Toss them together in this, and you get a pile of poop. Its awful. Big budgeted, bloated, stupid and awful.

4... The Paperboy (2012)... The most wasted cast of the year... and I dont mean high on weed (though with Matthew McConaughey here, it might be), but rather great talents making a terrible, weird film... John Cusack is horrendous, Zac Efron should hate himself for this, and Nicole Kidman--who's performance is strangely amazing, yet you hate her too in this... Kidman's character, Charlotte, pees on Efron's character Jack. That's all you need. 

3... 2012: Ice Age (2011)... On The Deucecast, we challenged each other to watch certain films... and after giving my co-host, Mikey, some great films to experience (like this one!  and this one!), he saddled me with this utter piece sadness. 

2... Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2011)... Ya know, the first "Ghost Rider" wasn't all bad. It was cheesy and silly, but had its moments. But Nic Cage is just off the rails lately, as this one equals the pile of dog snot that is "Drive Angry". Might've been the same movie.  For the full review, click here.

1... LOL (2012)... In 2002, right as Britney Spears was doing that "not a girl, not yet a woman, BritBrit released "Crossroads". A young Justin Long and a young Zoe Saldana starred along a popular, still with Timberlake, sweet, quasi-innocent Britney, and the movie was... well, it wasn't good. It had its moments, and I can see this being a guilty pleasure...

...I sort of expected this to movie to be Miley Cyrus' version of "Crossroads". Oh nay. Oh nay nay. A long haired Miley plays "Lola"... Lola... LOL... get it? Eh? Eh! and Demi Moore is her mom... and everything is bad about this movie. The plot is terrible. The acting is terrible. The characters are stupid, and you want everyone to get set on fire by Ghost Rider (which might've made both of these films a little better). Stay away. There is not even a slightly amusing second of this movie. Worst movie I saw all year long. 

At least the makers of Piranha 3DD knew they were making a steaming pile of ostrich stool.  The people who made LOL actually tried, which makes it worse because they failed so miserably.

So there's the worst of the lot, the worst movies I saw in all of 2013... but we still have 100+ more movies to mention... up next, the "middle movies", the ones that fall somewhere between the best and the worst... and then, the Top Ten Movies Released in 2013, and the Top Ten Movies Released Before 2013.... so keep checking back this week! 

(6094 words written... 13,906 words until the goal of 20,000 in January... #500Words #20KinJan)

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