One of these three will be Your Next American Idol. One of these three will become the next in a list of names that you may or may not remember in a few years (Kelly! Carrie! Lee?). One of these three will be holding the Idol trophy high, the other two will become afterthoughts...
THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL
SEMI-FINALS!
Its a two hour show tonight, but I'm going to try to zip through it in an hour or so... tonight, the first song is Idols choice... the second song is Jimmy Iovine's choice... the third and final song is Judges choice.
The mentor tonight is Beyonce, who they tell us had hit after hit in Destiny's Child, though they mysteriously leave out the part where they randomly fired members, backstabbed each other and split almost to the point of not talking to each other.
Personally, I kinda think many of Beyonce's songs sorta kinda sound alike, though I do love her collaboration with hubby Jay-Z on "Crazy in Love"...
IDOL'S SONG CHOICE
Beyonce will be listening to the personal picks for each Idol, and first up, its Deep Voiced Scotty, who will be singing "Amazed" by Lone Star.
Its standard Scotty the Body, leaning on a piano, giving us the googly eyes, and singing well. Because its not only a total of six songs by three Idols, its also a TWO HOUR SHOW, which means they can sing like, four minutes of each song. Actually, total it up, and that's 20 minutes per song, with commercials. Seriously, FOX, can you make this a little shorter? Some of us have to pack for Disneyland.
Crazy Creepy Uncle Steven says it was beautiful. J-Lo loved it. Randy the Dawg, after self-congratulating himself on his own accomplishments and name dropping (Boyz II Men!), tells him its "money".
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| America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina |
J-Lo loved it. Uncle Steven Tyler said it was beautiful. Randy the Dawg name drops (Beyonce!) and then tells her she was fearless.
And now for something really different, Haley Hotness is doing a Led Zeppelin song, "What Is and What Should Never Be", a song I've never heard in my whole life, but as someone who doesn't care for Zeppelin or Robert Plant, I prefer Haley's version after the first few notes.
And she does awesome.. even after she FREAKIN' FELL DOWN!!! ("I just wanted to die for her" says The Lovely Steph Leann)... she even gets her dad onstage to help perform!
Randy the Dawg declares Haley is in it to win it. Uncle Steven Tyler says, "its not how many times you fall, its how many times you get back up!" He loved it. J-Lo loved it, too.
Randy the Dawg says that Round One to Haley Hotness... Steven Tyler said Haley "got her freak on", and took Round One. J-Lo shows love to Haley and gives Round One to her as well.
What can I say... they all FELL for Haley. HA!
JIMMY'S SONG
Producer Jimmy Iovine has picked Thompson Square's new single "Are You Going to Kiss Me" for Deep Voiced Scotty... and its another good choice for our country crooner. Strumming and plunking that gii-tar, he nails the song like you knew he would. If anything, he's been the most reliable of all Idols this year, if not in the last few years.
I'm fairly certain Scotty the Body is the favorite to win this whole shabang.
Steven Tyler thought it was beautiful. J-Lo loved it. Randy the Dawg says "Jennifer would kiss you!" and Deep Voice Scotty, who replies, "Well, hey"... then Randy the Dawg name drops (Garth!) and declares him "in it to win it!"
And as we see backstage, we see someone with a sucky job pasting "glimmer" onto America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina's legs, because "my panty hose ripped". We cut back to the audition days when America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina was simply Lauren Alaina, and her tears because she was headed to Hollywood, and then brings in her family.
Producer Extra-ordinaire Jimmy Iovine has chosen "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry. The panty-hose-less America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina takes the stage and I gotta say... she is finally wearing a skirt that flatters the junk in her trunk. Its not something I'd be too happy to see Lorelei Addison wear, but I guess I'll deal with that in 2027 or so.
Good song. Really good song. J-Lo loved it. Randy the Dawg thought it was great. Steven Tyler calls it beautiful. Seacrusty addresses America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina's Mom, asking her what it is like as a parent watching her kid sing... she says, "I feel like I've aged 20 years..." which pretty much says she feels like she's 31 years old.
Now, its My Next American Idol Haley Hotness, who did audition before--by the way, you can re-audition again and again until you make the Top 24, I believe, then you are done.
Jimmy Iovine picks a classic song for Haley Hotness, that being "Rhiannon" by Fleetwood Mac, led by vocals from Stevie Nicks. Haley Hotness slows it down a bit, and though its not a perfect arrangement, she makes it work. I love this kid!
Second verse, it becomes the song I recognize... and there's a wind machine and fog machine, both working in tandem... I'd vote for that alone, methinks.
Randy the Dawg pokes fun at her for "looking up", though it looked to me like she was doing that "staring into space, focused into the song". Steven Tyler thought it was beautiful. J-Lo loved it.
Who won Round Two? Steven Tyler picks America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina. J-Lo picks Deep Voiced Scotty, as does Randy the Dawg.
And I think they just showed Beyonce's new video, but I just fast forwarded right through it...
THE JUDGE'S SONGS
So they pick... Kenny Rogers? "She Believes in Me"? Really? That's a classic that my mama loves. Interesting.
Boring.
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| Deep Voiced Scotty the Body |
Steven Tyler says it was over the top. J-Lo loved it. Randy the Dawg says it was nice and tender. Pappa Daddy the Body is given a mic, and tells how proud they all are of their kid.
So, last night I was working on The Deucecast Ep VII: Curse of the Black Podcast (subscribe on iTunes!) at Deucecast One Studios during Idol's original airing, and around 845, I get a text from The Lovely Steph Leann that says: "LAUREN'S THIRD SONG... REALLY? SERIOUSLY? REALLY?" When I saw her some three hours later, I asked her, though I knew the answer to the question, "What song was it?"
It was "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack. Oh em gee does she hate this song. Like, if I played this at her funeral, she would likely get up out of the coffin, walk over, smack me for playing it, smack me again for making her get up from the most peaceful sleep she's had in a while, then lay back down again. T'would be a shocking, yet predictable moment.
J-Lo loved it, saying it gave her "goosies" (the song, not the idea of The Lovely Steph Leann rising from the dead, though that might promote "goosies" too). Randy the Dawg name drops (Lee Ann Womack, my friend!) and loved the song. Steven Tyler loved it and said it was beautiful.
EW said that her dress looks like America's Darlin Lauren Alaina is going to the Enchantement Under the Sea dance.
And finally, the judges choice for My Next American Idol Haley Hotness, and she'll be doing Alanis Morissette's legendary "You Oughta Know", though I'm curious what Idol will do with that activity in a theater as decribed by the song...
"...would you go out with you in a theater..."
And there's the answer.
She then sings about "scratching my nails down someone else's back" while looking at Randy the Dawg. I threw up in my mouth. But the song performance rulez. Fan-freakin'-tastic.
Randy the Dawg thought Haley Hotness was IN IT TO WIN IT! Steven Tyler said it was perfect. And beautiful. J-Lo loved it.
So, who won Round Three? Steven Tyler says it was My Next American Idol Haley Hotness... J-Lo says America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina... and Randy the Dawg also goes with America's Darlin.
My Next American Idol Haley Hotness' "What Is and What Should Never Be"... America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina's "If I Die Young"... My Next American Idol Haley Hotness' "You Oughta Know"... My Next American Idol Haley Hotness' "Rhiannon"... Deep Voiced Scotty's "Are You Going to Kiss Me"... America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina's "Wild One"... Deep Voiced Scotty's "Amazed"... Deep Voiced Scotty's "She Believes In Me".
THE RESULTS
Clips of last night, showing Scotty the Body... America's Darlin Lauren Alaina... and My Next American Idol Haley Hotness... its time to take it to two. Its time to send one more home. Its time to set up the Idol Championship. Lee DeWyze has the championship belt, but will be giving it over soon... who wants it? Who will take it? WHO IS IN IT TO WIN IT???
THIS IS AMERICAN
IDOL RESULTS
The judges come out, Seacrusty welcomes us, and we see former Idols like The Eliminated Casey A and Stefano Italiano in the audience. Seacrusty tells us that over 95 trillion votes came in last night, the largest total in a non-Idol final.
And I'm ready to fast forward through an awful lot... it took just over an hour to get through the two hour performance show... it should take about 15 minutes for the hour long results show.
Random video of JJ Abrams meeting the Top Four Idols, Blinky James included, as he shows off scenes from the upcoming movie called "Super 8", which looks kinda cool and fun.
We see the two minute trailer we've seen before... and The Lovely Steph Leann and I both agree that we hope the Idols were shown more than that... and JJ gives them all Super 8 cameras of their very own.
Elle Fanning talks to Seacrusty, and giggles and heaved, giving Deep Voiced Scotty some props.
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| In this photo, she's only Haley Cuteness. I'm not sure when she morphed into Haley Hotness... but doesn't matter now, does it? |
The Lovely Steph Leann notes that they are playing Lady Antebellum during the video, I note that there is a huge sweat ring around the pits of the principal in the Wheeling High School gym.
Commercial Break. Fast Forward.
Ford Music Video. Fast Forward.
Seacrusty has said the name of the band onstag four times and I still don't know it. El Pollo? El Paco? The Lovely Steph Leann says, "El Scaro? El Parko? El Fast Forwardo?" Hint taken.
Commercial Break. Fast Forward.
Deep Voiced Scotty is going home to North Carolina now, in the video.
Me: Did that chick just have on a shirt saying "Scotty's Hotties"?
The Lovely Steph Leann: Yep. Yep it did.
Deep Voiced Scotty was known for singing "Your Man", and the original artist, Josh Turner, surprises him onstage. Hilarious reaction.
Now, its Nicole Schmuartiaosozo and Fifty Cent doing their new song. Fast Forward.
The Lovely Steph Leann: Can you believe there are people who want this music? Seriously?
America's Darlin Lauren Alaina heads home in our next video, getting her own "America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina Day" on May 14th. She also acknowledges the tornado damage in the South, including what it did to her own hometown area. Cue sad Martina McBride song that actually says, "You can spend your whole life building something for nothing, and a storm can come and blow it all away..."
Massive crowd and parade for America's Darlin Lauren Alaina, and she gets onstage and performs a little too.
Seacrusty says, "We are both proud Georgians... so shout out to them, huh?"
Now! RESULTS! Dim the dadgum lights!
After the break. Fast Forward.
Now, the real results. Again... after 156 quadrillion votes, the first person in the finals is... Deep Voiced Scotty. I said it before Seacrusty could even get it out. He goes and sits in the Golden Stools of I Freakin' Rock.
The person who will
Join us next week for the finals of
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