Tuesday, August 15, 2006

The French Military History Lesson

So, I heard today that the cease fire between Israel and Lebenon, taking place soon, was being headed up by Kofi Annan, and that France was going to send troops to help keep peace in the regions. France. Yes, that France. After I stopped laughing so hard, I thought about it...

I don't know anyone of French descent, but I can't help making fun of them. Their leader, Jacques Chirac is a pud, plain and simple... not only did he condemn Israel for defending itself against attacks from Hezbollah, he consistantly condemns the US, and Dubya, for the war on terror, a war he is known to despise mostly because his oil contracts are in danger...

Someone came into Starbucks the other day and bought a pound of Frnehc Roast. I smiled and said "to truly enjoy the fullness of French Roast, you need to hold up your hands and surrender after every sip." He laughed.

The Official French Military Magazine
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With that, I decided to dig up a gem from the web, something I've loved glancing over for a while. So, without further delay, I give you The Official French Military History:

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Norse Invasions - Lost. King Charles the Simple buys peace with the Norsemen by giving them Normandy.

Moorish Invasions - Lost. Charlemagne scoots behind the Pyrennes.

Third Crusade - Philip Augustus gets mad at Richard the Lion Heart and goes home.

Seventh Crusade - Lost. St. Louis' crusade to Egypt resoundingly crushed.

Eighth Crusade - Lost. St. Louis goes to Tunis.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare, "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchmen."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians. Interestingly enough, I found a liberal site that refutes much of this, but this is what they had to say about the Italian Wars... “Dumb, dumb, dumb. Get your facts straight -- the French didn't lose the Italian Wars to the Italians, they lost to the Spanish (and, on a smaller scale, to the Swiss), with whom they were attempting to parcel out Italy. In the end (in 1559, sixty years after the wars' start in 1494), Spain controlled the country.”

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years' War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied; Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Due to 3 ties in a row, deluded Frogophiles the world over label the period as the height of French Military Power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlboro, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the
Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting".

French Revolution - Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French. France introduces the world to the guillotine and the Terror.

Chirac's Real Reason for Being Against the War
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Quasi-War - Tied. France, angry that the US normalized relations with the British, seizes US ships in the Caribbean and decrees war on American shipping worldwide. France conveniently ignores that the US and France have a treaty of alliance that effectively makes the US a subject state of France. American envoys in Paris are told that they must pay a $250,000 bribe to the French Foreign Minister and a $10,000,000 "loan" to France before the French will even consider negotiations (XYZ Affair). US refuses to pay, builds up a navy which promptly seizes 80 French ships, and continues to sue for peace. Delighted British offer aid to the US against the French. Ends when Napoleon seizes power in Paris and abandons North America. Napoleon also agrees to abrogate the unequal treaty of alliance, making the US truly independent for the first time. Produces the First Rule of American Diplomacy: You'll regret making any alliance with the French. The US makes no other treaties of alliance for nearly 150 years.

Haitian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a European army by African slaves, and produces the First Rule of African Warfare: We can always beat the French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

India - Lost, to the British.

Mexican Empire War - Lost. Napoleon III takes advantage of US Civil War to invade Mexico. Collapse of the Confederacy dashes plans to invade Louisiana. Saber-rattling by reunified US leads to hasty French withdrawal, leaving puppet Austrian "Emperor of Mexico" to face a Mexican firing squad.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

Panama Jungles - Lost to vegetation and mosquitos

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II (first act) - Lost to the Germans. Conquered French liberated, against their will, by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

World War II (second act) - Lost to the Italians. True, the Germans already had France on the ropes, but nevertheless France is the first and only country to ever lose three wars when fighting Italians!

World War II (third act) - Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French, which was its Jewish population. Vichy government consistently gives Germans more than the Germans ask when it comes to anti-Semitic policies.

World War II (fourth act) - Won, due to the fact that the opponent was a French woman. In what is perhaps the vilest act ever committed by any French government, the Vichy government guillotines Marie Latour for the having an abortion.

World War II (fifth act) - Lost, this time to the Americans in North Africa. Ostensibly independent collaborationist Vichy government immediately occupied by Hitler, putting to an end the myth of "unoccupied France." Vichy remains popular with the French people until it became clear that Germany was losing the war.

World War II (sixth act) - Reminiscent of the American Revolution, France claims a win even though the British and Americans did all the work (remember the Second Rule!) of liberating France, and the British, Americans, and especially the Russians did all the work of defeating Germany. France demands (and, amazingly, gets) a spot as one of the victorious Allies; and even more amazingly gets a permanent seat on the UN Security Council.

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War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with Dien Bien Flu. The US, forgetting the First Rule of American Diplomacy, steps into the mess and spends the next 20 years getting out.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkish Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare -"We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, Africa, Haiti and Eskimos.

Ivory Coast Conflict - On the way to losing (remember the First Rule of African Warfare!).

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.

Today - The French government raises its terror alert level from run to hide. The only two higher levels in France are surrender and collaborate. The raise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed one of France's white flag factories, disabling their military

So sayeth Donald Rumsfeld: Going to war with the French is like going deer hunting with an accordion. You’re forced to leave behind a lot of noisy baggage.

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