Saturday, July 28, 2007

Nick Saban's Schedule

So I got this from my friend Ericka... seems she has a connection to the sports department at the U of A, and was able to get her hands on a great piece of information... Nick Saban's daily schedule. I will warn you, this is PG-13, and I had to clean it up, but who am I to censor the workings of a genius?

So, here it is from about two weeks ago... and you wonder why they say its the year 2000 & Saban.

4:00 AM - Wake up.

4:01 AM - Fire secretary for mispelling 'ITINERARY.' Get security to go to her house, step in her garden, wake her fat butt up, get her to fix them breakfast. .... Then fire her.

4:02 AM - Watch the movie 'Gladiator' in 16X fast forward.

4:20 AM - Think about how much of a pansy Maximus is and how I could dominate him.

4:21 AM - Call Major. Tell him if he isn't at my house in 5 minutes I will hire Chris Simms to do his f*$&%ng job.

4:25 AM - Tell Major who he is recruiting today. Send him on the road with a cooler and a case of Red Bull. Tell him not to come back until he has a commitment. From a 5-star.

4:26 AM - Call Kevin Steele. Ask him where the f#$% are my 5-star D-line commits? Call him names. Hang up.

4:27 AM - Power nap.

4:28 AM - 3-mile jog.

4:29 AM - Play game of NCAA 07. Beat LSU 63-0.

With Valdosta State .

5:00 AM - Think about how even EA sports makes Les Miles looks like a walking bobblehead doll.

5:01 AM - Call Mal. Ask him where the f#$% is my bagel.

5:02 AM - Get bagel from Mal. Complain that it isn't toasted enough. Slam door.

5:03 AM - Toast bagel with laser eyes, then eat it.

5:05 AM - Do whatever the f#$% I want for two-and-a-half hours.

7:36 AM - Wake up the daughter, tell her how much I love her, fix her breakfast, ask her how her school is going, pat her on the head, buy her a pony, kiss her on the forehead, telepathically threaten her boyfriend, and give her a ride to school.

7:39 AM: Wake up the wife.

7:39 - 10:39 AM - None of your business.

10:40 AM - Take 15-minute hot shower.

10:45 AM - Head to office.

10:50 AM - Prank-call Don Shula. Tell him that Nick Saban is looking to hire a new secretary and that if he's interested to email his resume to . Do not disguise voice.

11:00 AM - Go to Mobile . Recruit my butt off.

11:50 AM - Go to Daphne. Recruit my butt off.

12:25 PM - Go to Louisiana . Take huge slam…... inside the LSU Football Complex. Use the bathroom in Miles' office. Do not close door.

12:26 P.M. - Use bottled skunk scent to create the illusion that my crap actually stinks.

12:27 P.M. – Leave toilet un-flushed. Not to be rude. Just to remind everyone at LSU that it's Nick Saban's job to get crap done, and Les Miles' job to take care of whatever Nick Saban leaves behind.

12:29 P.M. – Enter Auburn city limits. Inhale, then hold breath.

12:30 P.M. – Meet Tommy Tuberville for lunch. When waiter takes order, say "I'll have what he's having." Wait for Tuberville to order something healthy. Then call him a pansy and order a double cheeseburger. With onion rings.

12:31 P.M. – Think of a better way to screw with Tuberville. Adjust time.

12:30 P.M. – Meet Tommy Tuberville for lunch. When waitress takes order, say 'I'll have what he's having.' Wait for Tuberville to order. When the waitress brings out my food, send it back. When the waitress brings out Tuberville's food, eat it. All of it. Silently, and without using silverware. Stare Tuberville in the face the whole time. Do not talk. If waitress tries to approach table again, stare at her until she cries.

1:00 P.M. – Get up from table. Ask valet for Tuberville's car keys. Do not tip.

1:01 P.M. – Get in car. Scroll trough Tuberville's iPod. Laugh at all the pansy music he has on it.

1:02 P.M. – Morph iPod into 1987 cassette tape of "Appetite for Destruction." Blare it. Then hit the pedal.

1:03 – 1:29 P.M. – Hit as many Auburn fans' mailboxes as possible. Swerve if necessary.

Screw swerving. Mailboxes come to Nick Saban, waiting to be hit.

1:30 P.M. – Arrive at Auburn City Sheriff's Office.

1:31 P.M. – Beat the crap out of Auburn City Sheriff.Do not tell him there is a new sheriff in town. That would be too expected.Instead, merely imply it by punching him repeatedly in the face and kidney.

1:32 – 1:54 P.M. – Hit as many Auburn fans' pets as possible. Swerve if necessary.

Screw swerving. Auburn fans should come to Nick Saban, holding their mailboxes, waiting the honor of being hit.

1:55 P.M. – Drive to Bobby Lowder's house. Park Tuberville's car right next to Lowder's wife's car. Leave it there all night. But not before taking pictures.

1:56 P.M. – Slash both front tires. With index finger.

1:57 P.M. – Swallow keys. Hail cab.

1:58 P.M. – Exit Auburn city limits. Wait five minutes, THEN exhale.

1:59 P.M. – Arrive at gas station. Put on Armani suit. Smile. Ask attendant for bag of Redman chew. Do not pay for it.

2:00 P.M. – Go to SEC baseball tourney.

2:01 P.M. – Walk into batter's box. Grab crotch. Hit pinch-hit HR. But not for Alabama. For whoever's playing LSU.

2:02 P.M. – Point to scorekeeper. Tell him to just add the run, because Nick Saban doesn't have time to run the f%^$ing bases.

2:03 P.M. – On way out of ballpark, spit chew in LSU batboy's face. Make sure his eyes are open first.

2:04 P.M. - Get out cell phone. Make recruiting call to Julio Jones. Tell him that Nick Saban just hit a pinch-hit HR. In an Armani suit. Without rounding the bases. Hang up.

2:05 P.M. – Purchase phone-voice disguiser from the movie 'Scream.'

2:06 P.M. – Call Major. Ask him how he is doing.Then ask him if Alabama recruited a 5-star QB this week.Then ask him if Alabama got a commitment from a 5-star QB this week. Then ask him if he enjoys the use of his thumbs.

2:07 P.M. – Fax letter to Dan Le Batard and the Miami-Herald Sports department.

(Coach's correction)
Screw that. Nick Saban does not fax.

2:07 P.M. – Have Secretary Shula fax letter to Dan Le Batard and the Miami-Herald Sports Dept.

Letter to read as follows:

"ATTN: Staff,Guys, I don't know how else I can say this. I am going to beat the ever-living crap out of Dan Le Batard and the entire Miami-Herald Sports Department.-


2:08 P.M. – Catch the 3:15 flight to Miami .

3:00 P.M. – Beat the ever-living crap out of Dan Le Batard and the entire Miami Herald Sports Department.

Not to show them that Nick Saban only gets violent when he feels like it. To show them that Nick Saban only keeps his word when he feels like it.

4:00 P.M. – Arrive back in Alabama . Call Real Estate Agent.

4:01 P.M. – 5:00 P.M. – Work with Real Estate agent. Buy every single movie theater, restaurant, shopping mall, outdoor park, fishing lake, and entertainment venue in the entire city of Auburn .

Close them all down immediately. If real estate agent advises against the move, threaten his life. Then tell him it is not about making money. It is about making sure people in Auburn have nothing to take their minds off the fact that Nick Saban was just hired as the Head Coach of Alabama .

5:01 P.M. – 9:01 P.M. – Go into office. Work. Recruit. Dominate. Make up for otherwise slow day.

9:02 P.M. – Go home. Hug the wife. Wink. Smile. Spit mad game.

9:03 P.M. – 12:02 A.M. – None of your business.

12:03 A.M. – Call Mal. Ask him where the is my cigarette.

12:04 A.M. – Get cigarette from Mal. Complain that it isn't lit. Slam door.

12:05 A.M. – Light cigarette with laser eyes. Then smoke it. Without filter.

12:06 A.M. – 1,000 sit-ups.

12:07 A.M. – 1,000 push-ups.

12:08 A.M. – 1,000 crunches.

12:09 A.M. – End warm-up period and begin hour-long evening workout.

12:39 A.M. – Complete hour-long evening workout.

12:40 A.M. – 1:00 A.M. – Watch 4 consecutive new episodes of '24' using the DVR I stole from Lowder's house.

1:01 A.M. – Think about how lucky Jack Bauer is for being fictional. Because if he weren't, I would beat the crap out of him for copy-catting my personality.

1:02 A.M. – 1:12 A.M. – Watch entire replay of "De La Hoya-Mayweather" fight.

1:13 A.M. – Think about how much more one-sided the fight would have been if it were called "De La Hoya-Saban."

1:14 A.M. – Put cell phone on silent. Not to go to sleep. To dodge repeated late-night desperation booty calls from Jessica Alba and Eva Longoria.

3:14 A.M. – After booty calls cease, send text message to both reminding them that Nick Saban only cheats at Monopoly.

3:15 A.M. – 3:29 A.M. – Practice future National Championship Game post-game speeches. All three of them.

3:30 A.M. – 4:00 A.M. – Catch good night's sleep. Replace the counting of sheep with the kicking of puppies

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