Saturday, December 11, 2010

A Toontown Potty Party

So dig this vibe... I'm in Toontown, in the Magic Kingdom.  Well, more specifically, in the Toontown bathroom.  I know, I know, you don't want to hear a bathroom story, but to set up this little nugget of potty humor, I have to pull a TMI on you, coffee drinker, and tell you I'm sitting in a bathroom in Toontown.

The toilet paper holder on the stall wall holds two rolls, side by side, with metal casing on each, save for an opening about three inches wide on the bottom of each roll of which to pull said clean up materials out.  But this time, one of them is empty.  The other is a brand spankin' new roll, which normally is a good thing, because everyone likes a roll of toilet paper that no one else has used.   The problem is, when you get a new roll, you have to find the seam to pull open the first few squares. 

And I can't find that seam.  My hand is spinning this large roll of toilet paper, slowly at first, my fingers skimming the surface of the paper, trying to find how to unroll this paper.  Nothing.  It just spins over and over.  I've been in here for a few minutes, The Lovely Steph Leann is on a bench outside, our other friends with us are walking around, also waiting on us.  Time is of the essence, but I'm having a real problem here--the toilet paper is right there on the wall, I just can't get to it.

My brilliant mind snaps into action--I'll cut it open!  Of course, I don't have a box cutter with me, I like I do much of the time... usually its a habit to stick it in my back pocket, as I almost always have it at Starbucks when I'm on the floor.  That box cutter was sitting on a table in The Cabana about 431 miles away.

But!  But!  I have my keys with me, for some odd reason!  So I flick open Red Robin's key, and start hacking away at the toilet paper roll.  Using the edge of the key, I start slicing away at the toilet paper roll in that little open gap on the bottom, trying to tear away something that will lead to the unraveling of the one thing that will set me free from this otherwise comfy and pleasantly clean Toontown lavatory.

Nothing happened.  Well, nothing happened except for several small shreds of TP drifted down and littered the floor below the stall.  Now, getting desperate, I began to inspect the entire apparatus of the toilet paper holder, and spotted a little lock opening that released the front of the holder.  Using my key, I stuck the edge into the lock and wiggled it a bit using one hand, pulling on the door a bit with the other.

Suddenly, the front of the toilet paper door came unlocked, and as I let it go, it swung down with a loud metal crunch, and the large roll of bathroom tissue slid out into my hands.  I turned it over a few times, looking for the way to get it... well, "open", if you will... and had to move through the shreds I had caused with my key.

Finally, I waded through the shreds of paper that continued to fall around my feet, the paper gave way.  I pulled out a length that satisfied my own needs, and replaced the large roll back on the spindle.  I slammed the TP holder door shut, and heard the lock click. 

"You okay?" The Lovely Steph Leann asks me as I stroll to her bench.
"Oh, I'm good," I smile. "Now."  I relay my adventure that kept me away so long.  She rolled her eyes. 

Ah, marriage.

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