So this of course is on the interwebs now, for all to see. meaning anyone can share it.... so here's a weird thing - I'm going to ask that you don't copy the link and send it to anyone, or pop it on FB or anything like that... Just let it be. If people find it, great. If not, that's okay too. Just let it live on my page, and I'll let God decide who finds it - I'm not trying to hide anything... its more of my blog site being my own word vomit release... of course, that's assuming that anyone still has this website bookmarked or even checks this page, but still...........
I started seeing a therapist.
Not kidding.
I'm 50 now. And I've had 3 therapy sessions in the last six days... that's not to say I've needed 3 hours of talking to someone (though don't we all) but I had to go find someone - and no one really tells you how to do it.
And why now, you ask? Maybe we all could use a little conversation with a professional.. but me? I had... a thing. Something dumb. Something goofy. Something traumatic. No need to inquire, I won't talk about it, just know that my family is just fine and better than ever, but something was thrust upon me in a way that felt like I was driving through an intersection with a green light and was T-boned by a random 2003 Hyundai Sonata... one day everything is swimmingly happy and content.
Minutes later it's... it's not. I did nothing wrong and yet, here we are.
And isn't that life sometimes? You are fine and then... you aren't. Sometimes its your own making, sometimes it's nothing you expected.
And I couldn't process it. I still can't.
I've always been able to. Process I mean. I don't even know what "process" means but I could do it. I could work through things mentally, emotionally... then again, maybe I never could.
But we all get there sometimes, to a point where we can't figure it out. Where what has been dropped in our lap... loss... betrayal... grief... unexpected non-closure of things you want closure on so desperately. Things we just have to... process.
I actually met with someone last week, had a great conversation, talked through some things that had been heavy on my shoulders and when I walked out, I thought "That was a great conversation". Yet, I had one more person in my list, and decided to go ahead and set it up.
So I did. The following day, I met with the 2nd person - and there was the click. You know, the "click" that comes mentally when you know you are in the right spot. I walked out of the session with the 2nd therapist and thought "Yeah, this was the one."
Good thing too... when I got in the car, the office of the first therapist messaged me to tell me they thought I'd be better served by another person. Literally, my therapist broke up with me.
Basically, like high school - I was dumped by my therapist. before I could dump my therapist. Of course, I didn't really do much "dumping" in high school because that would have required me to be with someone to be dumped by, and in high school that was rare for me, but nonetheless...
So here I am. Unpacking.
The 2nd therapist I met with I've now met with twice, and they are pretty great so far. I told them the anecdote about the first person I met with, they laughed and said "Well, I promise you if I didn't think I could help you work through all of this, I'd tell you". I believe it.
Beyond the random difficult 2 or 3 months I've had, there is more to unpack. Early childhood abuse. Growing up in a loving home, albeit lower middle class. Mistakes made in college. Figuring out why I think what I think and why I think it. My chaotic OCD, or maybe my OCD of chaos? And overthinking... gosh, golly, the overthinking.
Why write it down? Because I want to remember why I decided to do it. And to tell you that if you have more than you can handle... its okay to talk to someone. Its okay to call up someone and say 'hey, you get paid to listen... so will you listen?' Most insurance covers it, and even ones that don't will give you an itemized "superbill" to give to insurance.
It's okay. If you can't process... its okay to find help in doing so.
